THE TEN BEST SYSTEMS!
SONY'S PLAYSTATION... Sony may have
used low-brow advertising, rehashes of popular Sega games, and
big boobies to make the Playstation a success, but the system
itself has held onto its fans even after games like Toshinden
and Lara Croft (and the stars of both titles) started to
sag. Its versatile hardware is part of the reason why...
programmers who really know the Playstation can make it
perform at or near the level of its more specialized
competitors, the Saturn and the Nintendo 64. The
Playstation is also absurdly easy to program, which would
definitely explain why the system's software library is in the
high hundreds right now. Finally, there's a lot of
variety and innovation in that huge selection of games... you
get everything from your typical Super Mario Bros. and Sonic
rip-offs (*cough* Crash Bandicoot *cough*) to music games that
test your rhythm and even your composing skills (Um Jammer
Lammy and MTV Music Generator). It's for these reasons
that the Playstation is as likely to be perched on the average
person's television set as the NES was back in the late
1980's.
COLECO'S COLECOVISION... Powered by a high-octane
Z80A identical to the one used in the semi-successful TI 99/4A
computer, the ColecoVision introduced gamers to a whole new
level of play much like the Genesis and 3DO did years later,
with fully detailed backgrounds, a duo-tone music synthesizer,
and sprites, an important innovation that's still a
cornerstone of graphic presentation in the game systems of
today. Dozens of faithful coin-op translations make the
ColecoVision an ideal system for those of you who ache for the
games of the past but refuse to sacrifice good graphics and
sound to play them. An annoying knob controller (the likes of
which could be found on a multitude of systems- yikes!) sours
the fun a little, but break out a Sega 6-Button Arcade Pad and
presto! No problem (on SOME games, anyhow...). If you find one
at a pawn shop or garage sale, pick it up.
SEGA'S GENESIS... Out of the hands of one of the
world's most inept video game companies comes pure poetry in
motion, the Genesis. Who'd have thunk it? The first true
16-bit system didn't exactly strut its stuff in the 80's, but
that was to change once Sega picked up some decent third party
support (it's quite possible that the system would have died
as horrible a death as its ancestor, the Master System, had
Electronic Arts not lost interest in the NES and signed on as
a Genesis licensee). Polished, arcade quality visuals, a sleek
design, and a successful ad campaign all helped the Genesis
pick up momentum and eventually tail and overtake Nintendo,
even after their oft-rumored Super NES was released. It wasn't
until 1992 that Sega dropped the ball, relying more on saucy
ad campaigns and American game designers than actual substance
and allowing the still-powerful Nintendo to get their hands on
Street Fighter 2... and things haven't been the same for the
Genesis since. The prozines won't give it an iota of respect
these days, and even Sega's turned against it, driving a wedge
in Genesis sales by offering up a deluge of useless "upgrades"
that have only succeeded in making their set look less
capable. And yet it's in this column. Why? Because, as small
basement design firms and gigantic industry leaders alike have
proven countless times, the Genesis can still kick @$$ no
matter WHAT it's pitted up against. Witness Red Zone, a
military combat title by Zyrinx that offers players full
motion video compression, complete real-time parallax,
full-screen vector rotation and transparent imagery. Or
Gunstar Heroes, Treaure's Contra clone which pits you against
meticulously animated monstrocities which fill nearly 1/2 the
playfield. Or Tiny Toons: Acme All-Stars, Sparkster, and
Street Fighter 2: Special Championship Edition; all games that
benefit from terrific design and are just damned fun to play.
It just goes to show- no matter how hard certain idiots try,
there's just no way to kill good hardware. Kiss my butt, EGM!
Like it or not, the Genesis will live on!!!
ATARI'S 2600/VCS... Whatever you call it, Atari's
2600 is without a doubt one of the best systems in history,
although few people will accredit this fact to the machine's,
uh, technological muscle. Truth is, every classic on this most
primal of classic sets was hard-earned- the 2600's ancient
6507 processor was not by ANY means a lot of fun to program
due to its age and many quirks. But, hey, however the Cranes
and Robinettes of the day managed, they did, and it really
shows in some of the system's games. The cream of the crop,
titles by Activision, Sega and Atari themselves, had just the
right blend of simple, no-nonsense action and eye-pleasing
graphics to keep pre-crash gamers engrossed for hours at a
time. Hell, they're still a lot of fun NOW! Yes, for every
good 2600 game available, fly-by-nighters like Data Age and
Telesys would respond with a dud, and no, you're not going to
find a lot of 2600 games with knock-out graphics (there are
exceptions... Solaris, Midnight Magic, and Pitfall! are all
very attractive, even by early NES standards), but for the
price ($1-$2 a game typically), you can't go wrong with a
2600. SO GO BUY ONE!!! So much for subtlity...
NINTENDO'S SUPER NES... This was often the object of
my intense hatred in a good many issues of my previous
fanzine, Project:Ignition, but I must in all honesty admit
that, from a purely technological standpoint, the SNES
deserves to be here as well. I mean, for a humble 16-bitter
(HUMBLE 16-bitter? Geez, I'm acting as if it's already heading
for the can... what am I saying? Pretty much what Sega's been,
and THAT'S scary, to be sure...), this puppy can cook
audiovisually. Some recent releases have looked a tad grainy,
but considering what the system's been able to do in
delivering arcade-quality graphics, I won't complain much. One
BIG problem with the SNES, aside from the fact that the #$%*^!
thing horned in on the Genesis' success in the early 90's, is
its controller and the way that it literally hobbles the
characters in some games, like SF2, for instance. And even in
games that aren't handicapped by the controller, you'll notice
that they generally aren't as engrossing, intuitive, or as
enjoyable as similar Genesis titles. Still, some great things
are planned for the system in the coming months, so hold on to
it or pick a used one up soon.
NINTENDO'S GAME BOY ADVANCE... I've
been waiting a long time for this, but at last, there's a Game
Boy out there that I can be proud to own. Unlike the
Game Boy Color, which was arguably a step BACK for portable
technology, Nintendo spent a lot of time perfecting the Game
Boy Advance hardware. Now, instead of having to scale
back every aspect of their games, designers are free to
include everything from subtle shading to dynamic scaling and
rotation effects. Better yet, the Game Boy Advance has
brought more substance to portable gaming... Castlevania:
Circle of the Moon and Super Mario Advance feel like complete
games, unlike their counterparts on the original Game Boy,
which were stripped down to the very basics. The only
real strikes against the Game Boy Advance are its screen
(tough to see and not large enough for some games) and the
system's stiff, unresponsive D-pad. However, when it
comes to both quality hardware and software, the GBA hits it
out of the park and into the next state.
SEGA'S SATURN... Despite almost nil support from
Sega of America, which dropped the system in favor of the
equally unsuccessful Dreamcast, the Sega Saturn deserves
credit here anyways for its long list of excellent
arcade-quality 2D games. Titles like Street Fighter Alpha 2,
Bust-A-Move Arcade Edition, and NightWarriors have proved that
the Saturn is clearly the player's choice for sterling coin-op
translations, as these games contain more animation, better
control, and less access time than their Playstation
counterparts. Even 3D titles like Resident Evil (practically
identical to the Playstation version) and Virtua Fighter 2
(still hands down the best polygonal fighting game on the
market) shine on the Saturn, despite over- exaggerated claims
from the electronic gaming media that the system couldn't
handle these games. With its dim future, I don't recommend
buying a Saturn if you don't already have a Playstation, but
if you've got the money to burn and are interested in the best
and most solidly designed fighting and action games this side
of Aladdin's Castle, you'll find that the Saturn is (warning:
bad pun ahead) out of this world.
SNK'S NEO-GEO... I can't say much for the brand
spankin' new CD version of what's easily the most powerful of
the 16-bit machines, as I haven't played it, but believe me,
this one's more than enough for me. When you're talking 330
megabits of possible memory, CD-quality sound thanks to
FIFTEEN sound channels, and a graphics engine so
sophisticated, it has no actual concrete limitations (these
are programmed in depending on the requirements of each
individual game and may vary wildly), how CAN'T you get
excited about the Neo-Geo?! The design of the home system
itself is rather flimsy, and its library is glutted with
tourney fighting games thanks to the success of Street Fighter
2, but hey, it's got the most solid software line-up of any
system in history (the games HAVE to be good if they're
passing for arcade titles!), and you get a lot of power under
that poorly crafted hood. If SNK would figure out a way to
consolidate this "custom-made and highly expensive" hardware
and sell it for the same price as the "64-bit" Atari Jaguar,
they'd make a killing, but as good as it is, the Neo-Geo will
never sell at its current price.
SEGA'S DREAMCAST... Perhaps it's a little
early to put this one on the list, but the Dreamcast already
has a more impressive library of games than the four year old
Nintendo 64, which fired out of the starting gate with Super
Mario 64 but hasn't moved much since. And even though the
Dreamcast hardware is several years older than the Playstation
2's, it seems better balanced, with built-in anti-aliasing to
smooth out the graphics and more video RAM to handle
them. The only real bummer about the Dreamcast is its
controller, which isn't worth two squirts of freshly squeezed
ween juice if you're playing anything but Crazy Taxi.
Worse yet, the problem can only be partially remedied by
purchasing ASCII's (cheaply made) fighting game pad or a
controller convertor, since neither offer the full analog
control required by some Dreamcast titles. Still, the
Dreamcast offers a lot of power for a reasonable price... and
not just for the customers, either. Developers can port
computer games to the system in a matter of weeks rather than
having to start from scratch, and this should keep game
manufacturers interested in the Dreamcast even after the
Playstation 2 and its hype machine comes rolling into
town. Well, er, it WOULD have, if Sega had stuck with
the system rather than slithering away less a year after the
Playstation 2 was released. Oh well, the Dreamcast is
still worth picking up, and it'll be an absolute steal around
Christmas, when the price dips to $50.
NINTENDO'S NES... Much of what I'd said about the
2600 applies here, although where the 2600 invented the
concept of mainstream-oriented cartridge-based video gaming,
the NES resurrected it. And reinvented it, obviously- the
VCR-ish top loading deck, unique system design, ergonomic
joypads, and arcade-quality games that broke the 64K barrier
were all like nothing U.S. gamers had seen before, yet became
so popular that nobody would dare go back to the old way of
life. Well, maybe not the top-loading part... this was an
NES-exclusive feature that made the loading of cartridges such
a frustrating experience that Nintendo itself released a new
model to remedy this (tip- don't buy one. It WILL NOT WORK
with the Game Genie, and that's one device you'll want to hold
on to if you own an NES). But the software itself is fab.
There were plenty of big-name titles with great play and fine
audiovisuals available for the NES that simply blew away
similar games for the machine's competitors. And talk about
variety! You name it, the NES has got it- there are titles
dealing with everything from tarot (Taboo) to hackysack
(California Games) to Go (Othello) to party games
(Anticipation) to obscure game shows (Remote Control) to
porn/casino crossovers (Hot Slots). Whew! Of course, there
were also plenty of games released that NOBODY would want,
mostly by the likes of Pony Canyon, Acclaim, and T*HQ, but no
doubt about it, for sheer game quantity and quality, it's not
easy to top the NES.
HONORABLE MENTIONS... Sega's Game Gear, the Atari
5200, and the Neo-Geo Pocket. I was disappointed with
SNK's handheld system at first... after all, when you hear the
term "Neo-Geo" you expect vivid, incredibly detailed graphics
and terrific sound, and the Neo-Geo Pocket doesn't really
offer either. However, the system does have a lot
of fun games, usually with a staggering amount of
options. And just like its big brother, the Neo-Geo
Pocket really is the king of fighters... Match of the
Millennium is arguably better than the DREAMCAST version of
SNK vs. Capcom, and even the system's most mediocre fighting
games (Fatal Fury: First Contact and Last Blade come to mind)
are more than a match for Street Fighter Alpha on the GameBoy
Color, an obviously compromised translation of the arcade game
with almost as many memorable moments as CBS's Saturday night
crap-o-rama (thank you, Bart Simpson).
And now (you knew this part was coming up...), here are the
systems that we to this day wish would NOT have raised their
ugly heads. These are the scums of the Earth, the cream of the
crap, the worms in the Big Apple, the... um, gristle in your
grade-A T-Bone... the... the...
THE TEN WORST SYSTEMS OF ALL TIME!!!
ZIRCON'S FAIRCHILD CHANNEL F... Huh huh. Huh huh
huh. This sucks. And does it EVER... I mean, I realize that in
the early 80's, everyone wanted a piece of the video game
industry, and many tried to get in on the action by spending
as little money as possible, but even still, that was no
excuse for THIS. First released with a built-in one channel
buzzer and hardwired controllers, this torture device was
responsible for some of the most simplistic software known to
man or beast, including Dodge-It (where a dot must dodge
bouncing dots in a claustrophobic room) and in its final
hours, Checkers. I can almost see the Zircon board room now...
"Chairman! Our product's going down the drain and we're
losing revenue at a breakneck pace! WHAT DO WE DO!?!"
"Calm
down, Sinkowitz. There's only one game that can save us now,
and that's..."
"You mean that incredible full-screen 3-D
title where the guy runs around blowing up demons? Or the game
where you choose from 8 martial artists and toss fireballs at
each other?"
"No, you fool. That garbage doesn't have any
future and you damned well know it. I'm talking about the one
incredible game that will SAVE THIS COMPANY! You know, the
game of kings!"
"Chess?"
"No, you imbecile! CHECKERS!
CHECKERS!!! Only CHECKERS can save us now!!!"
Well, thankfully, it didn't. You might want one for trade
purposes (it's got a decent value in the "Digital Press Price
Guide", don'cha know), but aside from that, I wouldn't bother
toying with it.
SEGA'S MASTER SYSTEM... Am I ever going to get flack
for this! Oh well. It still blows. You may wonder why I gave
the Game Gear an honorable mention and put this here in
contrast, dispite the fact that both systems are more or less
identical in respects to hardware. And the answer to that, my
fine feathered fiend, is obvious: it's all in the games. For
some strange reason, the Master System never had 'em; or good
ones, anyhow, and the Game Gear does. But why? Well, one would
be led to believe that Tonka's irresponsible handling of Sega
of America at the beginning of the Master System's
not-so-illustrious career would be a primary factor, but
system limitations in respects to audio and Nintendo's success
in locking out juicier licenses definately play a part as
well. No matter. Whatever the reason, the fact remains- most
Master System titles are entirely devoid of competant level
design and consistant play engines, with graphics that
literally look as though a child had designed them and sound
as only a limited Z80A processor (already swamped with
innumerable other tasks) can offer. The saving graces to the
SMS were few and far between, although Sega's 3-D imager was
capable of incredibly realistic graphic effects when coupled
with titles like Space Harrier 3-D, and the company's Light
Phaser product generally outclassed Nintendo's Zapper with
better performance and classier looks. But everything else
about this ill-fated (thankfully) machine would lead any sane
and reasoning gamer to believe that its distant second place
in the 8-bit wars was well deserved. Save your bucks and buy a
Game Gear instead.
MILTON BRADLEY'S MICROVISION... If you gag at the
mere thought of the Game Boy, consider this frightening
prospect- there was a monochromatic portable game system back
in the early 80's that was inferior to the systems of the time
much like the Game Boy is to the NES. Yes, I'm talking about
none other than the fantabulous (!?) Milton Bradley
MicroVision, the failed experiment in cart-based on the fly
gaming that paved the way for the portable systems revolution.
Taking on the appearance of a very long ColecoVision
controller (and we all remember how FUN those were to use,
right?), the MicroVision used cartridges that doubled as
overlays, thus making them as long as the system itself (so
much for convenience...). The player was required to play all
of the MV games with a simple dial control and 6 membrane
keys, which wasn't really a problem since many of its titles
were so astoundingly simplistic, and viewed the action through
a tiny, low-resolution screen. Sound? Don't even bring it up.
Even for the time and at liquidation prices of $5 apiece just
years after the crash of 1984, the MicroVision just wasn't
worth bothering with, and still isn't to this day, unless
you've just gotta have every ancient game system ever released
or you're dying to play a Breakout clone (which is included
with the system, FYI) and Alleyway on the GameBoy is just too
darned complex for your tastes.
EMERSON'S ARCADIA 2001... In the early 80's, when
far superior sets like the 5200 and ColecoVision were already
making their debutes, Emerson had the oh-so-bright idea of
releasing a game system that wasn't even as good as the 2600
or Intellivision once they realized just what a cash cow the
industry was. After bullying Supercharger inventors Starpath
to change their names from Arcadia, they set out to perform
their evil deed and released the Arcadia 2001 to a VERY
unreceptive audience. After months of such deafening
uninterest, Emerson scrambled to come up with ways to give its
set more appeal, lowering the price to a dumbfounding $30 and
licensing coin-ops from the likes of Tehkan and Konami. But
even the mighty Konami, the company that later helped turn the
NES into a pop culture icon, couldn't bring the Arcadia to
life, and Emerson finally scrapped the whole idea and stepped
out of the electronic game business, never to return. Well,
enough of the history lesson. How was the system itself?
Terrible, frankly. Although it looks attractive on a shelf,
the Emerson Arcadia hardware is inept at best, typically
displaying microscopic, monocolor characters and playing
one-channel music that combined would drive less tolerant
players out of their minds. The games certainly made no
attempt to disguise the set's inadequacies, and were generally
downright strange variations of familiar coin-ops- and those
names! Space Vultures? Tanks A Lot?! And Funky Fish!? OK,
well, the latter's catchy, but still... Anyhow, suffice it to
say, you'd be much better off with a 2600 than with this, so
buy that instead.
TIGER'S GAME.COM... It sounded like Tiger's
fledgeling game system had a chance when the reports came in
from E3... Next Generation and Ultra Game Players trumpeted
its Internet capabilities, extensive use of speech, and an
impressive translation of Duke Nukem 3D, and the much-heralded
built-in user interface and touch-sensitive screen raised a
lot of eyebrows in the portable gaming community. Sadly, it
turns out that you can even tell from the commercials that all
the hype was totally unmerited. Games like Sonic (another
example of Sega's treasonous approach to customer service...
"Hey, we've got our own handheld game system... so why don't
we release a new Sonic game for a competitor's?" With all the
PC games they've been releasing, it's a wonder they even
remember that they MAKE their own game systems... but I
digress), Indy 500, and Mortal Kombat Trilogy look great on
paper but are astoundingly choppy, even in comparison to their
Game Boy counterparts. Plus, the touch sensitive screen is a
complete wash: it's admirable how the Game.Com operating
system uses it so extensively, but it's impossible to actually
draw with it as the screen isn't accurate to the pixel like a
true Personal Data Assistant. In short, Game.Com Game.Sucks.
Buy a Game Gear instead.
ATARI'S JAGUAR... Now HERE'S a next generation
game system with just the right price... at $160, the Jaguar
sounds like quite a steal. I'm sure people felt the same way
about the Turbografx way back in 1990, too, but I digress...
Judging from the Jaguar's rather inergonomic design, one would
assume that Atari hasn't learned a thing from the 1984 crash,
and... one would be right, because it doesn't stop there. Not
only is the Jaguar itself unsavory in appearance, its
controllers, which resemble frisbees on an eating binge, are a
complete and unadulterated pain in the ass to use, just like
the joysticks for the 5200 (yes, they even share the same
useless keypads), and the games available for it just reek of
Atari's painfully low budget (it doesn't take a genius to
figure out that each 'world' in Trevor McFur was in fact only
3 screens of art chained together, for instance), an ailment
brought on by the company's many past failures. I'm sure
people will tell me to lighten up in respects to the Jag, as
after all, Atari WAS the first to legitimize the EG industry,
and it's not sporting to kick a man when he's down... but then
again, I doubt any of these guys are exactly running out to
buy the system themselves. A BIG thumbs down for this one.
MAGNAVOX'S ODYSSEY2... There are a great many people
who take the flexibility of today's systems for granted, but I
highly doubt that anyone who's ever owned an Odyssey2 would be
amoung them. Strangely, this machine actually relies primarily
on preprogrammed characters for its graphics, and as one would
imagine, this puts serious constraints on the programmers'
ability to truly differentiate one title from the next
artistically. While one has to ask just what kind of twisted
logic would conclude that nobody would notice this, this
wasn't the Odyssey's only flaw; no sirree! It also had the
problems of pathetic third party support (frankly, they were
lucky to just get Imagic and Parker Bros. [overseas]!), a
finger-spraining membrane keyboard, incompatibility with
joysticks from other systems, North American Phillips'
insistance on giving all of the system's games science fiction
overtones, and some very strange and simplistic game themes
(War of Nerves! is an EXCELLENT example of this) to contend
with! While not a total flop and sometimes actually a tad
amusing at times (the Voice, Master Strategy, and Challenge
series of games are all pretty cool considering...), the
Odyssey2 was just too low on the pre-crash EG food chain and
has too many flaws to be of any real worth to all but the most
adventurous of game collectors.
SEGA'S 32X: Shoot me. I mean, really, wasn't
the Sega CD a big enough flop for these idiots!? Now we're
forced to witness the advent of an even less useful upgrade,
an extra 68000 processor that the host system barely uses for
games that could have (and SHOULD have) been done on the
Genesis! And when the Saturn inevitably sways R+D from the
Genny, Sega CD, AND 32X to the Saturn, what will 32X owners
have? An obsoleted piece of crap that was supported for about
six months, a much lighter wallet, and no possible way to
afford a REAL entrance into the world of 32-bit gaming. This
kind of garbage is EXACTLY why Sega will crumble when the
32-bit wars really heat up... after alienating their customers
a good three times in that many years with retarded upgrades
and systems designed solely for the acquisition of short-term
profits (hmm... I'm sure the Ferenghis would approve, but us
Hu-maans?...), all the cute ad spots in the world won't
hypnotize them back into the fold.
PHILLIPS' CD-i... Maybe this wasn't really meant to
play games at all, as its makers claim that it's a "multimedia
player" or something of the sort, but nevertheless, it does,
so it belongs here as well. From my experience with the set,
it's painfully obvious that its hardware wasn't designed with
truly interactive, free-form games in mind... anything that's
even remotely in this category for the system will more often
than not have breathtaking backgrounds but simplistic, choppy
play and crippling deficeincies in its general structure (i.e.
no parallax, poor level design, etc.). And of course, the
poorly acted, full-motion video titles like Burn:Cycle aren't
games in the truest sense of the word, so... chalk up another
failed entrance in the EG world by Magnavox and Phillips.
Maybe the third time'll be the charm, but I won't hold my
breath...
NINTENDO'S GAME BOY... And to think I actually LIKED
the thing once! Brr. Don't get me wrong; the big N's done a
wonderful job of supporting the Geeb with tons of software,
but what's the point when the system is inflexible with next
to no I/O slots, has a tiny grey and green screen that begs to
destroy your eyesight, and is inferior to even the NES, which
was created in Japan over a half decade before it? Ugh. I've
had a lot of fun with some of the GameBoy's games, as have
just about everyone else in the hobby (admit it, guys!), but
once you've steamed up the screen with your nostrils, went
through your 17th pack of double A batteries, and watched
whirligigs do the lambada for 3 hours straight AFTER putting
the system down, you really have to wonder if it's all worth
it. It's nice that Nintendo itself saw what GameBoy players
were going through and created the GB adaptor for the SNES to
remedy this, but that has problems, too... why isn't there a
two player mode available? Why won't the Game Boy Game Genie
WORK with the blasted thing? Why does the actual GB screen
take up only half the screen? And the most important question
of all- why didn't the Game Boy come with an RF jack in the
FIRST place?! But enough Andy Rooney-isms. If you're going to
play Game Boy games, check into the Super Game Boy if you'd
like to keep your sanity, or just forget about the whole
sordid ordeal and snag a Game Gear instead. It doesn't have
the same selection of titles, but its screen is a lot larger,
and its graphics completely blow away those on the Geeb. 'Nuff
said.
DISHONORABLE MENTIONS... Y'know, I really wanted to
put the Nintendo 64 on my bottom ten list of systems, but I
couldn't find one console on the list I felt it could honestly
replace. So I guess that means either Nintendo's latest
and most disappointing flagship system isn't really as
terrible as I'd like to think, or that it's so mediocre it
can't even steal an award from such monumental failures as the
Emerson Arcadia and game.com. In any case, I'm not fond
of the Nintendo 64 experience as a whole... I don't like the
controller, I don't like the smeared and vaguely choppy
graphics, I don't like Rare, and I don't like their turning
the squirrel from Diddy Kong Racing into a furry Sam
Kinison. This only further cements my opinion that N64
games are specifically designed for one of two
demographics: immature children and REALLY immature
teenagers. This low-brow appeal and the sturdy cartridge
format has made the Nintendo 64 popular with rental outlets,
but they carry a wide selection of Earnest movies as well, and
I'm in no hurry to get any of
those.
