Dream
cast |
Super
NES |
Saturn |
Game
Cube |
Nintendo
64 |
Jaguar |
Odyssey2 |
32X |
|
NES |
PS2 |
Neo
Geo |
X-BOX |
Atari
7800 |
Sega
CD |
Philips
CD-I |
game
.com |
|
Play
station |
Gameboy
Advance |
NeoGeo
Pocket |
5200 &
Vectrex |
3DO |
Gameboy |
Micro
Vision |
Emerson
Arcadia |
|
2600 |
Genesis |
Coleco
Vision |
GameGear
& Lynx |
Master
System |
Virtual
Boy |
Gameboy
Color |
Channel
F |
Since consoles have a habit of vanishing
from my top and bottom ten lists, I've decided to create a
more comprehensive guide to the game systems I like most...
and least. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the
Jessboard. Let me explain how it works... the systems on
the left hand side of the board, marked in green, are in my
opinion among the best ever created. Their selection was
based on several factors, including their impact on the video
game industry, how much time I spent playing their games, and
how much I enjoyed the experience. I've chosen the NES
as the best game system of all time due to its massive
software selection, including dozens of classics like Super
Mario Bros., Castlevania, Mega Man, and Kirby's
Adventure. Next to it is the Playstation, a similarly
supported and important console that, frankly, is a lot more
impressive than its 8-bit counterpart. Flanking them is
the 2600, the console that made all the others possible, and
the Dreamcast, a terrific system with an ironclad software
library that deserved more support than it actually received
from both Sega and the game playing public.
Just outside this winner's circle of
systems are the Gameboy Advance, Playstation 2, Genesis, and
Super NES. The Gameboy Advance is, without question, the
most impressive handheld I've ever owned, and if it weren't
for the frustratingly tough to see screen it would be more or
less perfect. The Playstation 2 deserves praise for
being so versatile... in addition to having a pretty good
software library, it's a great DVD player that also enhances
original Playstation games. Despite the Achille's Heels
that negatively affect their performance, the Super NES and
Genesis are both superb consoles that are well worth
owning. One advantage the Genesis has over its main
competitor is that its games can be played on the go with a
Nomad, which until the release of the Gameboy Advance could
very easily have been considered the best portable game system
ever made.
Hanging on the edge of greatness are the
Saturn, Neo-Geo, its little brother the Neo-Geo Pocket, and
the ColecoVision, sort of the early 80's equivalent of the
Playstation. I like to compare the ColecoVision to the
Playstation because they were both created by companies with
limited industry experience, who were nevertheless able to
make their consoles successful with popular licenses.
Sega's Saturn would be considered a pretty lousy system if you
judged it by its American software library, but things were
much better for Japanese players, who could choose from
hundreds of quality games that demonstrated the Saturn's
potential. The Neo-Geo combined the strengths of both
the Genesis and Super NES, and would have scored much higher
on my list if it had been a practical home system (it's much
too expensive for this to be the case). Its handheld
counterpart, the Neo-Geo Pocket Color, had underwhelming
hardware by comparison, but it was also a lot cheaper, and had
incredible third party support its big brother could only
dream about.
OK, on we go to the middle of the board,
which showcases systems that haven't quite proven their
greatness but were fun to play nevertheless. So far, the
X-Box rates a bit higher than its competitor the
GameCube. They share some of the same problems (the
lousy controllers come to mind) but Microsoft's system is more
powerful and flexible than Nintendo's. Speaking of
system rivalries, the Atari 5200 has smoother, more colorful
graphics than the ColecoVision, but fewer games and some
really nasty controllers. If you've found one that
works, don't expect it to stay that way for long. The
Game Gear and Lynx share a spot on this board... as far as I'm
concerned, they fare about equally. Sure, the Lynx has
scaling and rotation, but its limited color palette and
resolution tend to add a bitter aftertaste to this
eyecandy. Meanwhile, the Game Gear has a large selection
of titles with popular Sega licenses, but many of these games
don't compare favorably to their Genesis
counterparts.
We've entered more dangerous territory
now. The systems in the orange column are
disappointments, at least as far as I'm concerned. It
may have had its fans back when Mario 64 was released, but
these days, nobody wants to touch the Nintendo 64... not game
players, not used game stores... not even Nintendo itself,
which normally supports their consoles well after they've been
obsoleted but will have nothing to do with this one. I
had high hopes for the 3DO, but it performed below my
expectations with a HUGE price and a software library that was
anything but. The Atari 7800 and Master System both have
their fans, but I'm not one of them. The Master System's
games are generally much less polished than their NES
counterparts, with poor level design and washed out
graphics. As for the 7800, well, all I can offer in its
defense is that it looks more stylish than the 2600, and can
play most of its games.
The next four systems weren't just
disappointments... they were full-fledged mistakes. I
can't believe the Jaguar has such an underground following,
because from what I remember of it there was absolutely no
reason to show such devotion to this system. Its 3D
games were slow and choppy. Its 2D games were bland and
uninspired. If previous Atari systems offered something
for everybody, the Jaguar had nothing for anybody. The
Sega CD was a little more promising... everyone (but me)
seemed to love Lunar, but the technology was clunky and there
were more full-motion video games available for the system
than any man should ever have to play in his entire
lifetime. Trust me, these used to be impressive ten
years ago, but they have not aged well AT ALL. Sewer
Shark in particular looks like the inside of a cataract, and a
particularly ugly one at that. Speaking of severe eye
trauma, we have the vicious tag-team combo of the original
Gameboy and the Virtual Boy. It's hard to find a
handheld game system more primitive than the Gameboy (although
sadly, there were a few). As for the Virtual Boy...
well, I loaned mine to a friend fairly recently and he
couldn't give it BACK to me quickly enough. As good as
it is, even Wario Land is not adequate restitution for the
massive headaches the Virtual Boy's stark red and black
display gave most players.
I don't even know where to begin with the
next handful of systems. The Odyssey2 was much too
specialized for its own good... because its graphics were
already programmed into the unit, nearly every one of its
games featured square-headed robots. Yes, that's
right... it didn't matter whether you put in Alien Invaders
Plus!, or Pachinko!, or Quest for the Rings! (an early
precursor to Gauntlet)... those square-headed robots would be
right there waiting for you. Frankly, I'm amazed that
they didn't replace the ghosts in the Pac-Man clone KC
Munchkin. The robots thankfully weren't in Philips' next
system, the CD-i, but you COULD find popular Nintendo
characters like Link and Mario doing everything within their
power to humiliate themselves. I imagine that these
games were created while Hiroshi Yamauchi was high on ether
fumes, like in that episode of The Simpsons. Mark my
words... if you work for Philips and look like the Pillsbury
Dough Boy, your days are numbered.
The Gameboy Color was little more than a
compost heap for misguided translations of Playstation hits
and awful adaptations of equally rotten films. It
started out strong, but six months later, there was absolutely
nothing of value on the system for adult players. If
they were the ones driving the portable game market rather
than young children, the Neo-Geo Pocket would have absolutely
DESTROYED the Gameboy Color rather than the other way
around. It's a crime that this piece of garbage was able
to not only survive, but thrive on the success of one damned
game (and you know which one I'm talking about). Oh
well, at least it's better than the Microvision...
I've put the systems I utterly hate on the
far right hand side of the board. The absolute worst of
any of the consoles listed here is the game.com, Tiger's
foolish attempt to extend themselves beyond dedicated
handhelds. Smooth gameplay is very important to me, and
the game.com is very obviously incapable of delivering it...
nearly every game on the system is choppy with a capital C, H,
O, double P, and Y. I can't help but wonder if they got
the processor for the system from discarded toasters or
something, because it couldn't possibly have been designed to
handle graphics. Fairchild's Channel F? Man,
that's just too easy. If you can't find a joke in the
name, try looking at the phallic joysticks for a
while.
The Eversuck Asscadia- er, Emerson
Arcadia- and 32X are locked in eternal battle, both hoping to
be officially recognized as the gaming industry's biggest
insult to its customers. There was no thought of the
greater good when Emerson released the Arcadia... the only
thing they considered were the dollar signs dancing in front
of their eyes when they released this sub-2600 quality console
at a time when the 5200, Vectrex, and ColecoVision made their
respective debuts. Much later, the 32X drove yet another
wedge into the user base of the Sega Genesis, offering a dozen
near-Genesis quality games for $200. Gee, what a
deal! Best of all, the 32X was tough to set up (just try
to insert those electro-popamatic plates!) and never wanted to
work properly. If the game you put in actually DID
start, there's no guarantee it would be presented in the
correct colors. There's nothing quite like playing
Virtua Fighter with a clear green sky and ocean in the
background.
