"'POTATOLUV' CULT BAFFLES POTATO FARMERS; MASSIVE LOSSEES EXPECTED."

Yuffie stared at the morning paper, trying to figure out what had attracted her attention. Sure, the photos of sexually violated potatoes were unsettling, but she saw stuff that was just as strange in the news all the time. Hell, she'd seen worse at Garden -- from her own roommate, in fact.

Then she realized it was not the artcle at all. Oh, Gawd! Today was April 5th! The day Mother Brain was going to attack. She was supposed to have already thwarted her by now - was she too late?

Indecision nagged her. Had she already blown it - should she just forget the whole dumb thing? Or maybe she should risk going back into Dricas - to try to account for herself, or maybe if she got there right away, it would be easier to fix things. What if Mother Brain hadn't actually attacked yet and she stilll had a last-minute chance to save the world?

She should probably go see what was going on. But, Gawd, more than dangerous, that could be terribly embarrasing. She had no excuses. They were all going to laugh at her for being so clueless. How could she have just forgotten to liberate humanity from its evil oppressor? Stupid, stupid, stupid! Tardiness was not acceptable when the survival of her species was at stake.

Yuffie yawned. Ugh, she was tired; she really didn't feel like she had the energy to go traipsing about battling evil and narrowly escaping certain death. A nice long nap, maybe until about five in the afternoon, sounded a lot more appealing. Was it really that much of a crime to sleep through the apocalypse? She struggled to rationalize giving herself this little break. She was in prison; that was a pretty sucky place to be, and she was entitled to treat herself nicely. Right? And she'd already done a lot of free work for Dunamis; she didn't want to overcommit herself! If she took a nice nap now, she could be all rested up for leading humanity out of the ashes of a dark, dystopian post-apocalytpic wasteland ruled by machines.

She stared at her bed as its worked its irresistible siren's song on her. She was fixated. Bed... sleep... mmm... such sweet surrender. She longed only to offer both body and soul to her exalted linen-covered master, curl up in its warm, comfy sheets and rule Nod as father and daughter.

No! What diablerie was this? She could not let the bed control her any longer! She would resist! In a fit of outraged rebellion, she kicked the bed in the headboard, tore the sheets off and threw them on the ground, and pummeled the pillow her fists. "Ha! Take that! And that!"

Yuffie left her bedclothes scattered across the floor and headed for the moomba hole.

* * *

Vibri poked his head into Big Joe's cave and was surprised to find his dealer nowhere in sight. "Joe?" When he received no response, Vibri wriggled into the cave. "Joe? Where are you?"

Alex Kidd and Psycho Fox, both brandishing clubs and length of ropes, leapt out from behind rocks. "Surprise!" Alex Kidd exclaimed.

"Alex Kidd and Psycho Fox!?" Vibri squeaked. "I haven't seen you guys since 1989! Wai!!!"

"Did you think Mother Brain wasn't watching you Dunamis scum?" Alex Kidd sneered. "SCEA's going to pay good money to be rid of you."

"Nani!? What have you done with Big Joe? I want my Vicks' vapor rub!"

Psycho Fox and Alex Kidd rushed Vibri from opposite directions and beat him senseless with their clubs. "Silly rabbit," Kidd said. "Vicks' is for kids!"

* * *

Yuffie pounded the hall of Lucca's cottage. "It's April 5th!" she shouted, bursting into the Seraphic Hall.

"We know," Lucca said solemnly. "But I'm glad you made it, Yuffie. I was starting to worry that I, I mean, we'd never see you again." She rose from the table and enfolded Yuffie in a hug that, unsurprisingly, was not reciprocated.

"Gawd, you're touching me."

"Is there something so wrong with that?"

"It's gross!" What was this grown woman still hanging onto her? Weirdness.

Lucca let go of her. "You're such a goofball, Yuffie," she chuckled, "but that's why we love you you." She sat back down at the head of the table. Yuffie remained standing, looking - as she so often did - awkward and out of place. "Anyway, yes, Mother Brain has already launched attacks against Balamb Garden and Sega's corporate headquarters."

"Ohmigawd!"

"However, Mother Brain's activity has enabled us, at great cost, to pinpoint her location: a castle to the southwest of here. Many Bothan spies died to bring us this information."

"We have Bothan spies?" Hanpan questioned.

"What is it with you pedants and your lack of respect for my artistic vision? This is my revolutionary cabal; don't you try to edit my masterpiece. If I say we have Bothan spies, we do."

"Hey, where's Vibri?"

"He was a Bothan spy."

"Ohmigawd, he's dead?"

"No, but he's been captured by Mother Brain and is scheduled for execution at her castle. He's in prison now, being punished: and the trial doesn't even begin till next Wednesday: and of course the crime comes last of all."

"Well, that hardly seems fair. He hasn't even done anything yet!"

"I know," Lucca said. "But it's given us one advantage: Now we know where where she's operating from. And now here's my brilliant plan to rescue him and overthrow Mother Brain before her campaign can continue. I call it ... Operation Nephilim."

"That name, like, sucks 'n stuff! Huhuhuh!" Kefka chortled.

Hanpan rolled his eyes. "Could you have possibly picked a more obtuse name? Why not Operation Enduring Asskicking?"

"Look, this is Important. It needs to be named after something related to angels! Besides, I think it's fitting. After all, this mission is about angels and hope for the future. As well as life and death and love and truth and justice and stuff like that. But mostly angels. And hope for the future." She paused, reflecting on what she had said, and added, "And angels."

"Why does everything we do have to involve angels?" Yuffie complained.

"Well, how else are we supposed to convince people we have something meaningful to say? Now can I explain my brilliant plan?" Lucca fished several packets of M&Ms out of her purse and tossed them on the table.

"Huh huh, do we get snacks?" Kefka asked, reaching for one of the bags.

Lucca pushed his hand away. "No, stupid; these are high-tech scientific demonstration devices." She tore open a bag and rolled the M&Ms out onto the table. "All right, here's the situation. This scrumptious-looking red M&M is Mother Brain. She's summoned an army, who we'll represent with these yellow M&Ms, to Balamb Garden in search of Yuffie, who is this green M&M here."

Hanpan sniffed dramatically. "Mmm, I love the smell of product placement in the morning."

"We've traced the Demon Summoning Program to the palace, over here." Lucca tore open two more bags of M&Ms and constructed a detailed scale model of the palace. "Now, this is the same place where our intelligence reports say that Vibri -- this tasty-looking brown M&M here -- is scheduled to be executed. This leads me to believe that Mother Brain is operating from somewhere inside the palace." She slid the red M&M through the second-story window of the M&M palace.

"Gawd, you're, like, making me all hungry 'n stuff," Yuffie complained.

Lucca dropped another handful of M&Ms on the table. "This is us. We're going to use a three-pronged attack."

"Huhuh, you said 'prong,' heh heh heh," Kefka chortled.

Lucca slid two of the M&Ms together. "Team A will consist of myself and Robo. Team B will consist of Hanpan and Kefka. Yuffie, you'll form Team C by herself." Yuffie raised her hand. "Yes, Yuffie?"

"Why is my team not named after an angel? I want to be Important."

"I've kind of run out of angel-related names," Lucca confessed.

"Well, yeah, but Team C sounds totally stupid. It would be really cool if we were, like, Team Golgotha or something. Gawd, how do you spell 'Golgotha,' anyway?"

"All right," Lucca said. "How about this? We're now Team Shadrach, Hanpan and Kefka are Team Meshach, and, Yuffie, you're Team Abednego. Will that suffice?"

"Sure."

"Okay. Team Meshach - that's these two M&Ms here - will create a distraction at the front gate of the palace. Meanwhile, Team Shadrach and Team Abednego will infiltrate the palace from the rear. We'll then split up. Team Shadrach will head to the execution ground and rescue Vibri." Lucca moved the M&Ms around the table to demonstrate her plan.

"Huh huh, infiltrate it from the rear," Kefka laughed. "I'd like to infiltrate Natalie Portman from the rear, if ya know what I mean."

"Don't make me violate the First Law of Robotics on you, Kefka," Robo threatened.

"Now, Yuffie, as Team Abednego, your goal is to find Mother Brain in the palace and terminate her. Remember, we don't know what avatar Mother Brain has chosen for herself in Dricas. You'll have to figure out who she is on your own."

"Oh, Gawd," Yuffie groaned.

"Are you ready to move out, Yuffie?" Lucca asked. "We don't have any time to waste, although I'm sure Mother Brain will postpone the execution for as long as you want to meander around on the world map."

"Um, not quite yet," Yuffie said. "I'm, like, confused about, like, how I'm supposed to find Mother Brain. And, like, I was told that Tron was the only one who could stop Mother Brain; what's that about?"

"Are you ready to move out, Yuffie?" Lucca asked. "We don't have any time to waste, although I'm sure Mother Brain will postpone the execution for as long as you want to meander around the world map."

"Gawd, you already told me that," Yuffie said to Lucca.

"Are you ready to move out, Yuffie?" Lucca asked. "We don't have any time to waste, although I'm sure Mother Brain will postpone the execution for as long as you want to meander around the world map."

"Are you just going to, like, keep repeating that until I say I'm ready?"

"Are you ready to move out, Yuffie?" Lucca asked. "We don't have any time to waste, although I'm sure Mother Brain will postpone the execution for as long as you want to meander around the world map."

"Okay, I'm ready. Gawd."

Next chapter: To Know the Difference