Xu was not the substance-abusing sort, but perhaps that was only because she had an even more effective alternative: Work. Burying herself in stacks of applications and other paperwork let her pretend that she was doing her job properly, that people would like what she did if only she filled out enough forms, wrote enough letters. She could forget, at least for the occasional blissful moment, the million doubts burrowing holes through the mind, telling her that she had already destroyed all she ever really wanted. Oh, what a fool she had been. She had taken Quistis for granted, refused to see the warning signs. How could she ever have done this? Her job was not as important as Quisty, not in a million years. She wished only that she could take back all those long nights at work and exchange them for time spent the right way, playing cards with Quistis or talking about books and history or just cuddling. Why had she had done all this? She was an idiot. A stupid idiot who had every chance imaginable and wasted them all.
In a fit of self-hatred she jabbed her pen into her palm, deep enough to leave a gash.
The stress released something buried in her. For a brief moment, when she thought she could not be any worse off, something white and feathery flickered over her shoulders. And then she calmed just a little and it was gone. It could have been there for more than half a second - by the time it registered with her, it was already gone.
But it was enough for her to know.
She tore down the train of thought at light speed and arrived at the conclusion before she knew she was going anywhere. That was a wing. An angel wing. A sorceress's angel wing. She was a sorceress. She had sorceress powers. She had pushed Rinoa into the gutter and knocked her out. Rinoa had acquired her sorceress powers when Edea was unconscious in Galbadia Garden. These were Rinoa's sorceress powers. Xu had taken them. Rinoa was not a sorceress because Xu had taken her powers. Xu was the sorceress now.
Panic swelled within her and claimed control of her body and mind. Rinoa already hated her; she would kill her for this. The poor girl's life revolved around being a sorceress. It was her identity; the sorceress cause was the only thing she seemed to really care about. And it wasn't just Rinoa; she had wronged all of Garden too. Because she was a sorceress now. She was a threat. With no knight, she was liable to crazy and kill them all. And now she could never, ever hope of patching things over with Quistis. Oh, no. Even without being a sorceress, she had not quite been good enough for her; now, she was even worse and far beyond any hope of reconciliation. She would be begging Quistis not just to forgive her mistakes and accept her for what she had been but to accept her as an inhuman monster.
She thought of calling Rinoa. But, no... no, she shouldn't do that. Couldn't bear to tell Rinoa that she had taken away her life's meaning, couldn't expect her to be understanding when she had already committed crimes beyond forgiveness. No, there was no hope for her now. She had sinned, out of her own inherent human failings, and now there was nothing left for her but to face her punishment.
Her head sagged against her desk.
Hyne, oh Hyne, what had she done?
* * *
To an outsider, the Trabia Garden cemetery no longer looked quite as lonely and bleak as used it to. The dust had been cleared, the dead trees had been taken away and young ones planted, and the new Garden, well on its way to completion, was visible not too far from where the old one had stood and where there was now a memorial. Life had begun again, speaking of a day in a future where the death and destruction would be remembered only as an historical event.
But to Selphie, this still was her life. This was still the most powerful place she knew. Time may have brought life back to the trees and the grass and the entity of T-Garden, but not to the friends she had lost on the day when she watched the missiles streak through the sky and could do nothing to stop them. No amount of planting new seeds would ever truly replace the ones that had been lost, for no two were ever completely alike. And the ones that were lost were the ones she knew as friends and mentors and associates and even rivals and enemies -- sure, to the world at large, they were just more names and more generic people, but they were the ones that mattered to.
Selphie stepped through the rows of tombstones, which were now at least surrounded by fresh grass rather than soot and ash. She knew all too many of the students and SeeDs, faculty and staff, that rested here. She wished had the time to visit them all, though she was admittedly not sure whether her heart could survive such an ordeal. Though as saddening, heart-wrenching even, as this place was, it not depressing. It did not sap her hope for the future, but rather made her all the more determined to make the best of the life she was blessed to have.
Selphie arrived at the grave she had been walking to, the one she had visited more than any other. She crouched before it, her eyes looking once again over again the epitaph that she had wrote.
PARK SUN HYE
Selphie dug into her pocket and produced something she had brought with her: a small plastic reproduction of the white half of the yin-yang SeeD emblem, with "BEST" written over it in pink lettering. She had not really seen it in a while; she kept locked away in a box in her room. To keep it special. It really should have just been a cheap trinket, a silly joke between young friends, and the fact that it had had to become something more said something about the world that was not so comforting.
She stared it at it for some time, then looked up again at Sun Hye's grave, where the counterpart still hung: the black half of the emblem, with the words "FRIENDS."
She did not cry, or even sigh or feel bad. She simply stared at the emblem on the grave, and then the one in her hand, and then at the other one again. She did not even think, not really. She just ... felt. Embraced the strength of the moment. It was not necessarily uplifting, nor depressing. It was simply something that had needed to be done.
"I won't let it happen again, Sun Hye," she vowed under her breath. "I promise."
And then was time to go. She gathered up Sun Hye's half of the emblem and placed it carefully in her pocket with the white half. She had not be able to save Sun Hye, had not been able to protect her Trabia. But she knew she still had the chance to change these cycles; to make sure that things did not happen this time as they did last time. And she pledged that the black half of the emblem would not leave Yuffie's room until her friend was home, or at least free.
That was the first half of her business here.
Feeling strengthened if not necessarily more helpful, Selphie crossed the fields and the memorials to the small small but growing complex of buildings that comprised the new Trabia Garden. She proceeded through the dormitories to a place just as familiar as Sun Hye's grave and knocked on the door.
Emma looked no different than Selphie remembered her: short dark hair, cheerful face, striped shirt, taller than she was. "Oh!" she squealed, immediately enfolding Selphie into a tight hug.
Despite scarcely seeing each other - indeed, not even talking nearly as much as either would have liked - they were as still as close as ever. What, really, had changed? Oh, a lot, really, but their bond hadn't. And Selphie knew that no matter how many friends she made at Balamb and no matter where she ended up, nothing would ever replace it.
There was too much they had shared, and it all instantly bubbled back to the top of Selphie's mind - not that she had ever forgotten them, but just that they were less relevant they were now. All those fond childhood memories of the Terrible Threesome: Selphie, Sun Hye, and Emma scurrying around secret passages in T-Garden's MD Level and pretending they were SeeDs, teasing Lank and Port for being such dorks (little did they know that Emma would wind up one day engaged to Lank), dressing up Mr. Bear in all manner of ridiculous clothes...
Poor Mr. Bear. She had always hoped against all reason and sense that he would be discovered unscathed - or even just partially wounded; Quisty could surely sew him back together - in the rubble. Until the whole mess had been cleared away and he never was found and she was forced to concede defeat to the missiles once again. Mr. Bear had been a strong bear, all right; he had survived a decade of torment at the hands of a rambunctious young Selphie, but it seemed not even he was strong enough to survive Galbadia's missiles. And Selphie had Gracie now, of course; she had bought her at that toy story on 12th Street as soon as she had made her decision to stay at B-Garden. But she still missed Mr. Bear.
And then there were the later years. All the afternoons spent in that little coffee shop with the scrumptious cheesecake, where they chatted about boys and school and, well, boys. Of course, their attempts to start a band - Selphie on vocals, Sun Hye on guitar, Emma on bass - that never got off the ground because they couldn't find a drummer. (At least she finally got to do that, although she had to admit she still envisioned her perfect band with four members, so she could just sing.) And her final goodbyes to them at the airport when she left for Balamb, which surely would have been quite different had she any inkling that would she see neither Sun Hye nor her beloved Garden ever again.
They finally let go out of each other. "So good to see you again." Emma backed into her room, allowing Selphie to follow her inside. "Er, you did just come to visit, or...?"
"Well..." Selphie said. She explained the whole Yuffie situation to Emma. How Yuffie was gone, how she could not shake the thought from her head that this was just like what had happened two years ago, and how she would not let it happen again. Emma and Yuffie had never met, though of course they knew of each other's existence through Selphie's stories.
"Oh dear," Emma said, trying to take this all in. She wanted to make sense of it as quickly as possible, so she could find the direction and help Selphie...
Selphie stared off to one side and tried to calm herself. "I don't want it to happen again," she said. "I'm sick of this happening to people. I'm tired of seeing good people have their lives claimed. I... I..."
And then the tears started. Emma hugged Selphie again and Selphie gratefully took her shoulder to sob on. "You're right, you do still have a chance, though," Emma consoled her. "Trabia would love to help you, you know. They all still remember you and we all know what it's like to lose loved ones. I think everyone here would be terribly sympathetic. If you send me some of your fliers, I can distribute them here, and Lank and Port could set up a website, and I'm sure I can raise some money..."
She rattled off some more plans, and once Selphie had finally calmed down, they managed to catch up on what they had been up to. Selphie was as delighted as she was frustrated to hear Emma gush about Lank -- still no date on the wedding yet, but they were terribly happy together -- and her new job. It was wonderful that all of her friend's dreams were coming true, yet Selphie could not help but wonder why life seemed to be passing her by. Why could she not she reproduce all this solace and success that everyone else was finding in her life? Oh, sure, she was better off than poor Sun Hye - she was grateful to be alive - and she was certainly relatively happy, but ... like she had sung the other night, there was still a hole within her soul.
Still, she felt this visit had done something to patch that hole. Despite Selphie's occasional jealously, Emma made Selphie feel better about herself more than she made her feel the opposite. And so it was with a heavy sigh and a great deal of reluctance that she eventually parted from Emma, promising to send her the requested information, keep her updating on the campaign, and to chat more often.
Selphie was actually skipping on the way back to the Ragnarok. She knew this trip had been very good for her - despite how helpless she often was, she knew she was never completely without the ability to help herself. She felt like she had her direction back. She knew what she needed to do. Keep up the campaign, reach out to the people she had drifted away from, never lose hope.
She blasted off into the air blissfully unaware of the horror that was waiting at home.
* * *
Xu staggered through the Garden training center, driven to go on only because she knew salvation was close at hand at last. She could very well have stopped halfway there, given in to despair and collapsed in a sobbing, pathetic heap. Because, really, that was all that was left of her. But she told herself she needed to be strong. She had to let her desire to protect Garden -- protect them from herself -- overcome her own weak desire to give up.
Because she was a monster.
Really was now. A sorceress, whose very presence at Garden was a threat. She could go insane (though she thought she might have already) or be possessed by Ultimecia. And she had taken those powers from someone who wanted them. If she had done it as a conscious decision based on poor judgment, that would be one thing. She could learn a lesson, then, and actually avoid repeating her mistake next time. But, no, she had done this all just by trying to be her. Which meant that she was rotten at core and she could nothing but go on damaging everyone.
She had at least done the right thing and written Rinoa a letter explaining that she had taken her powers. That was the least she could do: otherwise Rinoa might hurt herself relying on powers she didn't have. And Xu had already hurt Rinoa - and everyone else - plenty.
A part of her wanted to blame this on someone else. And if she wanted to, she could feign anger and bitterness at Quistis quite well. Perhaps there was even a grain of truth to it -- maybe Quisty had been too quick to abandon her. But, no, that was only a comforting lie. Quistis was closer to her than anyone else, and Quistis knew everything about her, knew the awful truth. That she was no good. That she would never overcome her faults. She was lucky to have come this far; it was only of their goodness, out of love she didn't deserve, that her faults have been forgiven thus far. And she loved Quistis, and loved Garden, and was determined to fulfill her debt of love to them by refusing to hurt them any further. Even if that meant destroying herself.
Xu stepped out onto the back of the training center -- the "secret" make-out spot alcove that any couple at Garden knew about. She and Quisty had certainly spent their fair share of time here. Everything had seemed so certain then; she had found the love of her life, she made Quistis happy, and Garden was prospering and there were no Yuffies or Rinoa to worry about. So how had they ended up here? Was it all a lie and, deep down inside, she was really this awful person all the time? Or had she somehow since then been transformed into the evil monster she was now? Either way, she could not reclaim those golden days. The only victory she could hope for in life now was to escape it before she tarnished herself further.
She climbed up on the railing and stood there for one brief, last moment before she threw herself forward.
NOVEMBER 9, 1982 - MAY 19, 1999
WE'RE A PART OF YOU, YOU'RE A PART OF US
Next chapter: Tears of a Broken World