A few days later...
Unable to face returning to her house, Quistis had gone back to residing to the room she had previously occupied at Garden. That was where she now sat, in the arms of the woman who had raised her. Knowing that any words or advice she could give right now would merely trivialize Quistis' suffering, Edea remained quiet, simply holding Quistis to give her a small degree of comfort.
"Quistis?" Rinoa called from outside the room.
Quistis briefly pondered getting mad at her. After all, if it wasn't for Selphie and Rinoa and their campaign, she wouldn't - but, no, just about anybody could tied to this. And while Rinoa and Selphie and she herself had certainly all molded the frame of mind that led to Xu's decision to end her life, in the end it was still Xu's own decision. To claim otherwise was to deny that Xu was a puppet, incapable of thinking herself, and Quistis would never make a claim as preposterous as that. Everyone could think. Xu certainly could.
No, as comforting it might be to release her sorrow in a ball of flaming blame at Rinoa, there was no justification for doing so.
"Come in." She turned around to face her visitor.
Rinoa stepped barely into the room and shut the door behind her. "I'm sorry."
Quistis sighed deeply. "It's not your fault."
"She's not totally dead, you know." Rinoa cut to right to the chase.
Quistis did not react, having no clue what Rinoa meant or where she was going with this.
"She, um... well, at your party, when she and I got into a fight... and, well, she knocked me out. And when a sorceress is wounded, her powers start to leak out. That's how I became one, you remember, and..."
"Xu took your powers," Edea concluded. Quistis was still numb.
Xu was a sorceress? Quistis didn't know what to think. It... was very hard to believe, but she certainly didn't doubt Rinoa's story. It just seems so far-fetched, so remote, so distant ... the way anything about Xu felt now. And it yet had just been less than forty-eight hours ago that they had still been lovers. And why was Rinoa telling her all this now? What did it matter? Although if Xu was a sorceress... knowing her, she would no doubt feel guilty about it. Could that have been the reason she killed herself? The sinking, sickening feel returned in Quistis' gut. Dammit, why hadn't Rinoa told her this earlier? Why had they all hidden this?
Edea stared at Rinoa, their eyes showing they had made a connection that only they two understood. "And because Xu died completely alone..."
"Right."
"What?" Quistis whimpered. "What are you talking about?"
"She really isn't dead, Quisty; not totally," Edea whispered. "You remember that Ultimecia traveled to the orphanage to give her powers to me before she died? Powers don't just leak out to others when a sorceress is near death. They have to be all purged for a sorceress to die fully. After all, the powers a contemporary sorceress has are pieces of Our Creator Hyne. They're integral to our world, and the world will not let those pieces pass from it. Since Mengshi died completely alone, before she could give those powers to anyone else, she's still strongly tied to this world."
"So..." Quistis prodded. She wanted to believe this was good news, but she wasn't totally sure. Did it mean that somehow Mengshi was still alive? Or only that her eternal rest was not even a peaceful one?
"So she's still alive somewhere," Rinoa concluded. "We can go look for her!"
"We found her body, Rinoa," Edea said gently. "She's already been buried. Mengshi's still attached to this world, yes, but unfortunately her soul is enduring a half-dead existence hell."
"Bullshit," Rinoa countered. "Hell doesn't exist; you can't prove any of that. If she's not dead, there's a way we can bring her back. Can't we just fix her body? Does Dr. Kadowaki know anything?"
"Rinoa," Edea said more sternly this time, "Don't you think I know what I'm talking about. The only way we could bring Mengshi back is to go down to the underworld and physically retrieve her soul."
"You can't just let her die!" Rinoa shrieked.
"You're not helping anything," Quistis cut in, directing her comment to the both of them.
Rinoa slammed her hands down on the sides of her legs. "This is fucking ridiculous. Xu needs us to save her and you're not even giving it a chance. I can't believe you. You're frittering away other peoples' lives with your non-scientific mumbo jumbo." She stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her. And one slam was not good enough, so she opened it again and slammed it a second time.
Any more words would only deepen the wounds. Edea held Quistis for a long time until this latest scar receded from present horror to a merely uncomfortable thought. "You believe me, don't you?" Edea whispered.
Quistis sighed deeply. "I don't know. I... I know you know what you're talking about. But I... I can't believe that she's gone. Not until every other option is exhausted. Is there anything I can do?"
"You would do anything, wouldn't you?" Edea was resigned to Quistis' determination, but she did not sound entirely unhappy about it. She did not want them to get ahead of themselves, but she was terribly glad her SeeDs had not lost the ability to dream.
"There is some way, isn't there?" Quistis pounced on Edea's hint. "Tell me, please; this is her life we're talking about. It's my mistake and I have to set it right."
"Yes," Edea said. "As I said, were you to travel through a nether portal to hell and find a way to physically bring Mengshi out of ... of course, I do need to let you know that you'd be putting your own life at risk, but..."
But they both knew that was only a formality. Quistis was a SeeD; she was used to danger. "I'll do it. But how do I find a nether portal?"
"Feng shui."
* * *
This is all my fault.
Selphie knew it wasn't true, but she couldn't shake the thought. Guilt was making more noise than her common sense. At least blaming herself for it all allowed her to make some sense of this mess. Because if she had not done anything wrong, then there must be something wrong with the rest of the world. And she could not bear the thought that the world was not a good game. No, it was much better that she took the fall. She hadn't been able to save Trabia. She hadn't been able to save Yuffie. And now it was her own stupid personal crusades that had killed Xu. She had done everything wrong. Not that she could really make herself believe that.
And yet she couldn't understand how the world could be like this. She did not believe in the least that the world was a bad place, or that things would really spiral down to complete entropy - though they certainly seemed to be doing just that. After all, if civilization was about to collapse, it would have done so centuries ago. But then why did it seem like they were on a one-way trip to hell? That was what confused her. There must be some hope, some sense to this, but where was it? Nothing felt true anymore. Was her problem that she hadn't been fighting enough, enough to save Yuffie? Or that she was fighting too much, inflicting herself on people who could not handle her (like poor Xu)? She longed for something real to cling to, one genuine truth that would give her a direction to which she could apply herself. But she saw none. All she could was suffering that bred more suffering, doubts and indecisions that choked her to death. So when would the sorrow end?
In times such as these, only music numbed her pain. Immersed in words and melodies and songs and chords and harmonies, she could still find a world where love was unquestionably real, where dreams always came true, where everything always worked out and everyone cared for each other - even if, as she sometimes feared, that was a world entirely unlikely her own. But if it was all a delusion, at least it was a delusion that kept her going. The gentle, rhythmic creaking of her favorite rocking chair was not enough, so she set Gracie down in her lap, picked up her guitar - the acoustic one - and started strumming.
And I ask you
The waves of time take me deeper into you
And I ask you
"Yeah." Her voice was as hollow as her eyes.
"I like the lyrics, and, um, it's a pretty melody?" he stammered. Dammit, he wanted to say something meaningful about it; he knew it was a lot more uplifting than empty hyperbole, but...
Selphie was still staring moodily away from him. He realized that this probably wasn't the best time to talk about music. "Did Rinoa tell you what's going on?"
"I don't think so, no."
"Well..." Not fully understanding this himself, Zell did not feel confident explaining it to Selphie. "I guess Xu isn't really dead ... I mean, like, not all the way. When she got into a fight with Rinoa, at the party? She hit Rinoa so hard that some of Rinoa's sorceress powers leaked out and so Xu is a sorceress now. And she couldn't pass those powers on before she died, so ... she's not totally dead. But she's in hell. That's what Matron and Quistis think. Rinoa thinks that it's just a medical problem."
"So...?" That was far too much to process at once. She wanted to know what it really lead to, how it had changed things.
"Well... Quistis and Edea are going to use feng shui to create a portal to hell so we can go down there and rescue Xu."
Then it clicked for her. "You mean there's a way we can bring her back to life?" she said, talking at twice the speed so she could get her answer twice as quickly.
He nodded.
"Ohmigosh!" She set down her guitar and jumped up in one continous motion. "I can't believe it!"
It was all too much for him to get as overjoyed as she was. His conventional standards of excitement had been rendered useless; as people are frequently numb during a great tragedy, he was equally numb during this great awakening of hope. But he grinned and said, "In the darkest hour, hope springs eternal."
Pretty. She gave him a thoughtful smile, impressed with his sudden display of poetry, though her delight was tempered when he added, "I stole that from a Three-Clown Pileup song."
* * *
Squall Leonhart was having a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.
First Rinoa was going on about how Xu had taken her sorceress powers. He had tried to be there for her, because she must have been hurting a lot on the inside, but she just slapped him and told him he had to overcome his fear of a furnisexual planet. Then Zell insulted his navy blue gas station jacket - didn't Zell realize how sensitive he was? - and when he had turned on the TV because he heard Weezer's new video was going to premiere, all he saw was kissing. He hated kissing on TV. It reminded him of how lonely he was. He might as well just die now.
In a situation as dire as this, only some new sad music could console him. So he had taken a trip to Ragna Rock, Balamb's local independent music store, where he now stood in line with Dashboard Confessional CD in hand.
Ensconced behind the cash register, Mikoto watched him with the twitching, blink-free glare of a predatory owl about to dive. At Balamb Garden, she could only take her crusade so far, but here she had the power. This store was her kingdom, her Buddyhead t-shirt her royal regalia, the Radiohead song playing over the store's speakers her national anthem, and the stupid punks, goths, and emo kids who shopped here the peasants whom she was obligated to lead out of darkness. Here, for once, they were completely at her mercy. She was an employee, while they were lowly customers - and during Mikoto's shifts at Ragna Rock, the customer was always wrong. "You're buying that? Oh my God, that's so pathetic."
"It's really deep," Squall insisted. His wounded voice wavered with each syllable, and it seemed that any moment he might break into tears. "It's emotional. It helps heal all the wounds I have inside."
"Well, that's unfortunate, because it sucks ass." Mikoto took the CD from him as she stared at it, still in a state of disbelief. "God, how can you even look at this with a straight face? I thought it had seen the worst when you came in here the other day to buy Something Corporate, but this takes the cake. You must be the biggest fucking idiot on the planet. How about you go put this back on the rack and get the Joy Division box set instead?"
Squall sniffled. "I don't you think you should tell me what kind of music to like," he whimpered.
"Yeah, well, I wasn't even supposed to be here today, so quit your whining." Mikoto punched some keys on the cash register. "Hmm, well, this comes up as 1200 gil, but no one should be buying it, so I'm going to charge you 3000."
"You can't do that!"
"Oh yeah? What are you going to do about it?"
Squall Leonhart was having a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.
* * *
Selphie poked her head into Quistis' room. "Quisty?"
Quistis had immersed her world in The Brothers Karamazov. Aside from a few other books, the room remained spartan; Quistis' possessions had all been moved into the house and she didn't have the will to retrieve them. The only thing she could do was bandage her bleeding soul by wrapping it in the the stories of other souls that were not hers.
"Quisty?" This time she caught Quistis' attention. "Zell told me the news..."
Quistis nodded. She was still struggling to make sense of this development herself - still struggling to make sense of Xu's death, for that matter. Reasoning what to do would be difficult. But heart, which still believed in a few things like love and life, had already made its decision. "It's been one shock after the another. I can't look a gift chocobo in the mouth, though."
"So you're going to try to break her out?"
"Well, of course. I can't leave anyone to die."
Selphie nodded, but she still had other concerns. She stepped into the room, drawing the door shut behind her, and sat down on the foot of bed. "Can we talk?" Quistis nodded, and Selphie continued, "I know things weren't going so well for you and her before all this happened..."
Quistis nodded. That was no offense, that was the truth. And she too recognized the cause for concern.
"If you go to hell to rescue her, you're going to have to decide what you say to her when you see her. What will happen to the two of you if she escapes from hell?"
"I know," Quistis said. "That's all I've been thinking about since I talked to Matron. I could arrange my life in so many ways and I don't know what the most fitting combination is. There's no more solutions, only alternatives. But as confusing as it is, I know I want her back. Yes, a lot of crap has happened, but I can't turn my back on her any more than you can turn your back on your friends."
"Well..." This is what had been troubling her. "Quistis, I know it sounds weird for me to be giving you advice on your love life, but I'm worried. I don't think you should obligated to take her back just because of what she did to herself, you know? None of us want to see her suffer, but I don't think it's right for your heart to be held hostage to her insecurities. It's abusive. If you can't leave her because she kills herself otherwise... I know you love her, I know you're forgiving her for hurting you, but that doesn't mean you have to be together." She sighed and shook her head. This was rather amusing, she had to admit. "Gosh, I must sound just like someone's parent."
"No, I understand," Quistis said. "But... first of all, she deserves life just like any other human being, and regardless of our relationship, I'm in a position to save her and I think I'm obligated to do so."
Selphie nodded. "Well, of course."
"And secondly, I haven't given up on piecing our relationship back together. This whole sorceress affair ... if I actually had a chance to talk to her about it, I'm sure we could resolve it in a more amenable way. I know what happened doesn't represent the true feelings of either one of us. I acted out of spite, and nothing good ever comes of spite. Hurting her back because she hurt me ... well, it's understandable; it made me feel better temporarily and I don't blame myself. But I know in the end that it doesn't improve the situation. It only creates more hurt." She sighed. "It was a rash thing to do. I don't hold against myself, because I was upset. But I'd like to think that it's possible for anger or guilt not to get the better of either of us."
Hyne, it was like talking to a mirror. And that tore apart. She could see both perspective so terribly cleary, and the only thing that told her was that there were no answers. "I know, I know, loving someone else is always so much easier. It's so easy to lose yourself." She frowned, realizing this was almost turning into an argument. "Don't get me wrong; I think it would be wonderful if you do pull this off. I'm just worried. I know Mengshi's habits..."
"Listen, Selphie. Everyone makes mistakes, but that doesn't make us worthless. If failing to be perfect rendered us black-marked for eternity ... well, there wouldn't be a soul left on this earth who wasn't being punished. And that's no way to live, not when there's an alternative. We could a hold a grudge against every person, every nation, every ethnic group that has ever wronged us, but where would that get us? A world full of continual strife and an endless cycle of hatred. An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind. If everyone just gave up after something bad happened, we wouldn't be here. We have to forgive, Selphie, or there's no hope for any of us. Without forgiveness, there's just ... death. Our past would condemn us all."
Selphie was quiet for a long while, then said, "That's pretty much what I said about Yuffie."
"I know."
The moment of tension was defused by the sad looks of acceptance in both their eyes. There was no use fighting. They had discovered in the aftermath of their conflict that they had never been opponents but mutual victims. Victims of a crappy broken world that prodded them into making mistakes, broke their hearts, and then taught them all its lessons too late just to spite them.
"I'm sorry," Selphie murmured. "I shouldn't have said anything."
"No, it's okay. I know you're looking out for me, and I appreciate it. And I understand. I deliberated about all that myself. But I thought of all the good times we have together, all we mean to each other, all we do for each other, and I just can't convince myself that all that is less than what she's done now. It is hard for me to forgive her. It's not easy to love her just the same despite all the pain and confusion she's caused. I know it takes strength and courage to be able to break out of a bad situation, but it takes least as strength and maturity to be able to look at something and see its flaws but love it anyway. And ... I've decided I do still love her. I won't deny that she did a lot of things to make that difficult, but ... so did I." Quistis shook her head. "I hate to say it, but even if I didn't want to, I'd still be dreaming of her. And I do want to. One-winged angels, remember? Mengshi and I both have our problems, but we can lift each other up higher than we could ever climb alone."
"Well, yeah..." Selphie looked away as her own pain caught up with her. "But all we have people we love whom we can't be with..."
Quistis sighed. She knew she was not the only one suffering here.
But Selphie's spirit regrouped and she again found a way to plow forward. "So let me come," she said with a grin. "I'd feel better if I could help save at least one person."
A smile finally broke through Quistis' despair. "Thanks," she said.
Selphie stood up. "Zell and Irvine will probably want to come on. And Chu-Chu. It'll be a little adventure." Safety in numbers, yes. She could pretend, wanted to convince herself, that this was just like two years ago. Things had more or less worked out then. Of course, they had been fighting a real enemy they could truly hope to defeat - not entropy. "Just like old times, huh?"
Quistis forced a smile. "I don't remember having a pink ball of fur trying to get into my pants two years ago."
Selphie chuckled.
"Oh, and other thing..."
"Yeah?"
Quistis sighed. "I... don't think I can bear to go back to our house yet, so if you could go get some things for me... I'd want to give them to Mengshi. There's my diary, and our Triple Triad decks, and her rapier. Can you get them for me, please?"
Selphie nodded. "Of course."
Might as well do that right now. But first, to complete some other outstanding business. Selphie set off for the student dorms and was halfway down the hall to Yuffie and Chu-Chu's room when something stopped her. She stopped, considering the idea for a moment, and then agreed it was for the best. The SeeD talisman remained in her pocket as she went on to the parking garage.
* * *
I think I'll move to Esthar; I bet they'd be nicer to me there. At least Sis wouldn't make fun of me, Squall thought as he left Ragna Rock. Dashboard Confessional really spoke to him, so he had had no choice but to fork over a 3000 gil. But at least he told Mikoto to go sit on a tack as he was leaving the store.
He needed new shoes, too, so he went to the shoe store a few blocks away. He chose a pair of Converse All Stars, but then the shoe man told him that they were all out. This hurt him on the inside so much that he had to break out his new Dashboard Confessional CD and play it over the store's loudspeaker so he could have a good cry right there. I bet in Esthar they have all the shoes I could ever want, he thought as they kicked him out of the store.
When he got back to the parking garage, he found he had been given a ticket because one of his back wheels was covering up part of spot sixteen. Who needed spot sixteen? He should probably be dead already, he mused as drove back to Garden. He just hurt more and more every day. How could he ever hope to be happy when the world was so mean? He couldn't even have the simple dignity of getting the shoes he wanted. His life must really suck.
He knew he his bad day was going to continue because he got stuck in a traffic jam and he was already late to his dentist's appointment. How ironic, Squall mused. And when he finally got back to Garden, Dr. Kadowaki chewed him out for being late. Then she stuck pointy things in his mouth, which hurt a lot (but not as much as he hurt inside), before telling him he had a cavity. "Come back next week and I'll fix it," said Dr. Kadowaki.
Next week, I'll be in Esthar, vowed Squall.
Squall Leonhart was having a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.
* * *
Chu-Chu carefully oriented herself on her bed until her gaze exactly matched the red arrow on her compass. She turned her eyes skyward and focused them on the North Star as she knelt and clasped her hands in prayer. "Wondrous Mambo God... I guess Chu-Chu is going chu be going on a trip to hell pretty soon. I pray that Chu will please look over me and guide my footsteps and protect me from the wicked ways of Chu-cthulchu. And ... and I know Colonel Xu is a human, but please bless her chu and protect her, and Instructor Trepe and Selphie, chu."
The door had creaked open behind her, but being in the middle of prayer, Chu-Chu paid it no attention until Rinoa started speaking. Rinoa was already quite angry about the current state of affairs, enough to come here to complain, and what she saw now only reaffirmed her outrage. "I am so fucking disgusted with all of you," she announced. "You won't even help save someone from dying because you're too busy chasing bullshit stupid faerie tales and putting all your trust in something that you have absolutely no proof of. Well, let me tell you something. God doesn't exist, and hokey religions and ancient legends are no match for real science like para-magic. Feng shui, my ass."
Try as she might to tune out Rinoa and focus on her prayers, Chu-Chu's heart flared with resentment. She could not exactly ignore the fact that Rinoa was outright insulting the most important thing she had. They had been over this so many times, Rinoa always blathering ridiculous strawman arguments about the second law of thermodynamics or whatever she wouldn't shut up about. And yet it never ceased to infuriate her. Now all she needed was Mikoto to come in and start blathering on about cosmic insignificance.
"What good has religion ever done us?" Rinoa continued. "Huh? When was the last time God actually intervened to stop suffering? Oh yeah, he hasn't. It's all a fraud, you little brainwashed twit. The only thing religion is good for is starting wars."
Chu-Chu had struggled to maintain her composure, but her rising temper got the better of even her faith. She looked over her shoulder and launched into an equally vitriolic response. "They used chu think people with left hands were evil, Rinoa. Do chu want us chu cut off all hands so there won't be any more conflicts about hands? Should we burn off our fur and skin so there won't be any more racism? Zell argues with everyone about music; does this mean we should all chu-ust stop listening to chusic? If chu want to get rid of anything that chu could fight about, we won't have anything left at all!"
"There's no proof that God exists."
Chu-Chu pointed a furry paw out the window at the North Star. "No, Rinoa, see that star? That's the Wondrous Mambo God. A big fireball killed Him when He lived on the ground with us many, many years ago, but he became a star in the sky so he could watchu over His people. He's been watching the Chu-chu Tribe for thousands of years now. Even though I'm on another world now, the Wondrous Mambo God is still up there, looking over me! He won't ever let anything bad to happen to the Chu-chu Tribe, and if anyone messes with us, they're going chu get punished!" She showed the little golden compass to Rinoa. "And then He showed the Prophet Chu-Chu, may she be blessed, how to make compasses, so that we would always be able to find Him in the sky. The compass always points directly chu Him! It's a reminder that the lives of the Chu-chu Tribe should all be orientated towards Mambo. And even when the compass is torn apart, both halves will find their way to point back to Mambo. Just like no matter whatever happens to me, the Wondrous Mambo God's light will guide me just as strongly. There's no situation so dire He can't protect us from it, no mistake we can make so bad that He won't help us correct it. His love is never-ending."
"It's magnetism, dumbshit. It's just pointing towards the magnetic pole."
"Well, I chu-ppose that's true, but the Wondrous Mambo God made magnetism, didn't he?"
"No, he didn't. And you know why he didn't? Because the 'Wondrous Mumbo Jumbo God' is a figment of your fucking imagination!" She thrust her arm towards the window. "The North Star isn't a god, it's a mass of incandescent gas. Just a big ball of burning atoms thousands of light years! There's nothing special or magic about it at all!"
"It's the Wondrous Mambo God!" Chu-Chu protested, fighting back tears. "And He does..." Then it all proved too much for her. The words stopped coming out of her still-open mouth and instead big wet tears rolled from her eyes. She lowered her gaze and wept at the cruelty of this world. Would nothing move her tormentors?
"Religion is a crutch for the weak," Rinoa declared, as if to conclude some great lesson she had just taught Chu-Chu.
Chu-Chu continued to sob piteously. "Chu know, the Kama Chutra says someday someone's going to try chu wipe out the Chu-chu Tribe for good, and then the Wondrous Mambo God Himself is going chu descend from heaven to rescue us, and all chu unbelievers are going chu see!" she vowed.
"Oh yeah? Then how come your stupid god doesn't come get me right now if I've pricked his oh-so-fragile ego?" She waved her fist at the sky. "Hey, you! I don't believe you exist! Gonna come prove me wrong?" There was, of course, no reply. "See? Nothing happened. Your religion is nothing but lies." Feeling that this was conclusive enough, she turned and marched out of the room.
Chu-Chu mustered up enough to dignity to get in the last word. "Well, that's because it's faith, not fascism," she snapped at Rinoa's departing back.
But then the argument was over, and she was left with a heavy heart and a severely wounded trust in her human companions. She didn't understand. Why did Rinoa insist on tormenting her like this? If it was real for her, did she have to explain it to anyone else? It wasn't fair. All she wanted was to be able to pray in peace. She didn't really care what Rinoa thought as long as she kept her mouth shut. But, try as she might, there was nothing she could do to make Rinoa leave her alone!
She rubbed the tears out of eyes enough to see the Wondrous Mambo God and bowed again in prayer. "Wondrous Mambo God, please grant me the serenity chu accept the things I cannot change, the courage chu change the things I can, and the wisdom chu know the diffchurence. Amen." She reluctantly drew her gaze away from the stars, laid her head down on the pillow, and drew the covers up around her.
The force of life goes on and on
The song remains like a haunting melody
Of angel music held in chains
Can we ease the pain of those who lost?
Can we know the cause of all this sorrow?
Can we catch the tears of a broken world?
Falling down upon the Earth, falling down
A haze as blue as summer sky
And turn to find the key will not unlock the door
This broken bird, away it flies
Can we ease the pain of those who lost?
Can we know the cause of all this sorrow?
Can we catch the tears of a broken world?
Falling down upon the Earth, falling down...
Next chapter: Something from Nothing