Ants. Robots, drones, insects. Chemical imbalances with legs. That was what Mikoto would have called all the people walking beneath Selphie's window. Too many identical lives, too many people going through motions that meant nothing.
But Selphie
Zell knocked on the door. "Selphie, you there?"
"Sure, come in."
Zell entered the room and sat down at the small table Selphie kept near the window. "Good morning."
Selphie looked up from her bowl of Golden Sun Tidbits cereal. "'morning. You're certainly up early." She would have asked if something was wrong, but he looked more determined than distraught.
"Yeah," Zell said. "I didn't sleep much. I couldn't shut my brain off; I kept thinking about yesterday. All the stuff we did; everything we talked about."
She nodded. That was no surprise. She hoped some good would come from all this, though, not just guilt.
"I hope it doesn't sound too dumb, but I realized I can't keep being so petty. I mean, when I was only talking to myself ... well, I wasn't hurting anyone but myself. But now I don't have the leeway to go off on stupid tangents and mood swings. I have a lot of people that care about me and that I care about, and I know what I say and do is going to affect their lives. I don't want to be such a pain in the ass to people like Squall, to
She nodded. "Well, I'm glad that you see that..."
"So I thought a lot about while I feel so bad about what I am. I think maybe because I've always got in my head that's my responsibility to fix all the problems of the world. I mean, I always the goodie-goodie-two-shoes kid. The one who sucked up to the adults and always played by the rules to a fault. You probably remember that; you were at the orphanage with me." Selphie nodded. "But when the class misbehaved, it didn't matter that I was doing the right thing. I got punished just the same, along with everyone else! Why? Because it was a 'community,' we were all in this together, and we all had an obligation to help each other act right. I might not have misbehaved directly, but I was guilty of not stopping other people from misbehaving. The problem is that now that I'm out of school, I'm acting like everyone in the ,em>world's behavior is my responsibility. If there's a shooting in Timber, hey, I should have done something to promote world stability. As long as someone's out there suffering, I've got to work to do, or, boom, guilty as charged, no appeal, one-way ticket on the bullet train to hell for not being a good citizen. Guilt by association with the entire human race. I could be the best, most generous, most helpful guy possible but as long as someone in the world's suffering I'm guilty as charged. I guess there's a certain logic to that, but I gotta be realistic. I can't solve all the world's problems."
"No one can."
"Yeah, I just wish we could."
She nodded sadly. "Don't we all."
"You know, I have to thank you a lot for opening my eyes to how much I’m worth already,” Zell said. "The thing is ... I'm worried that I can't change. I'm worried that I got so screwed up as a kid that I'll never be able to truly overcome it. I know this is going to sound kind of weird, but ... you've shown me a world I never thought I could see, let alone understand. Time and time again. A world where ... where no one has to knock others down to advance. A world of love and happiness and contentment and tranquility. A wonderful world where the universe is most certainly good. A world that makes me happy just to think about, let alone live it. And I know I've been growing up, because a couple of years, I would have called that world ignorant and blind, I think like someone like Rinoa or Mikoto does now. I would have said that you were placing value in things that some sort of underground counter-culture resistance have revealed to be stupid -- like, I dunno, popular music and simple pleasures and faith in your friends and what have you. And that you were close-minded and sheltered, didn't really understand the world. That was a few years ago, when I too full of myself to know what was really going on. Now I know that you understand the world. I've been the sheltered one. Or maybe just immature. I mean, I've been gone through all my life assuming that I was part of some elite that knew better. I never even tried to see things from the perspective of someone in your world, never allowed you the chance that you might be right. But in this past year, in these past few months, I've been a glimpse of a world that is so much more. A world where everything fits together, not because it's perfect, but because people believe in themselves. And I know that's where I belong. But..." In his first pause for words, he finally realized how silly this speech must sound, and he halted. "I guess I'm afraid that this stupid old world I'm from has already made its permanent mark on me. And that I'll never be able to escape it. That we'll be in different, irreconcilable worlds forever..." He sighed. "Sorry, I'm sure you don't want to listen to me angst first thing in the morning."
Selphie bit her lip. Mmm. Tough subject. Could anyone really change? She certainly wanted to believe so, but given the scars that had been dogging her for years she could certainly see why he might worry. And she needed to change too. One-winged angels, she remind herself. They could help each other. "No, I see where you're coming from," she said as she dug up the last few soggy Golden Sun Tidbits from the bottom of cereal bowl. "But if you don't even try, how are you going to find out? I realize it's easy to only see how much more you'd have if you'd started earlier, but even if you only start now, that'll give you more in the future than you'd have if you never started. It's like one of Chu-Chu's Chu-chu Tribe proverbs that she told me once. 'The best day to plant a tree may be twenty years ago, but the next best day is today.' The only thing we can change is the future... but that's a lot."
He grinned. Awesome. Everything worked out as well as he dreamed. He needed no convincing to believe that axiom; it was what he already thought about himself. He just wanted to make sure Selphie agreed - that she'd understand and support this new leaf of his. And the huge relieved grin that crossed his face made her feel too that things were getting better.
"Thanks so much; that was just what I needed to hear. I'm going to try and I mean it," he said. "Now I need to confess something." He produced a CD from the hood of his sweatshirt and plopped it in on the table.
It was her missing Julia Heartilly's Greatest Hits CD. Clearly not a new one; it wasn't shrink-wrapped and the case looked a little chipped. This was definitely hers. Selphie stared at it, not sure what in the world to make of it.
"I, um, 'borrowed' it from your room," Zell explained. "See, I wanted to listen to it, but..."
Selphie smirked. "You were embarrassed?" Oh, Zell, what was she going to do with him? Tee hee.
"Well, yeah, and ... I didn't want to make you feel like you were making me change my tastes in music or something. But ... I really like it. Honest."
She shook her head in mock disgust, but her amused smirk proved she was not taking this whole bit of silliness too seriously. Why get upset about something that could be so entertaining? "You're such a dork, Zell," she said. "I don't know whether to punch you for taking my stuff without asking or hug you for being so adorable and sharing my tastes in music after all."
"Do I get to choose?"
That elicited another giggle. "No, but I bet I'll choose the same thing you would." She jumped up from her seat and hugged from behind. He quickly got up and embraced her. Not only for having a sense of humor about this, but for supporting him and believing in him and making him feel better.
"Thanks for believing in me," he said. "I love you."
"Love you too." Then she poked him in the side and asked, "So the times I couldn't find some of my other CDs, did you have anything to do with those?"
He grinned. Not only was a relief to get the secret out, laughing about it was fun. "Probably at least some of them," Zell said. "At least in the last three months."
"Oh, you're hopeless dear." Laughing, she picked up the case and stuffed it in her CD rack. "But I'm glad you're taking a greater interest in life. Trust me, it's pretty darn cool."
* * *
"Hi, I'm back!" Yuffie announced as she barged into her room.
Chu-Chu looked up from her iMac. "Yuffie!" She hopped out of her booster seat. "Where have chu been?"
"I told you! I was, like, saving the world 'n stuff. I went into the Dricas network or something and met <=¤m3g@=f£å®ê666=>; it was, like, really weird. And I ran into that dumb cat again. But, anyway, I need to find my Power Glove." She swung her closet door wide open, unleashing a Pandora's Box of junk all over the floor. "Oh, and I have a new hacker codename now. It's ~*Angel Princess Aeris Til Heartilly-chan-sama-domo-kun-hime*~."
Chu-Chu was not terribly interested in Yuffie's hacker codename; she was busy trying to scoop up the garbage. "Yuffie, Yuffie, stop!" she squeaked. "You can't just throw garbage all over the room; it's giving us bad karma!"
Yuffie rolled her eyes. "Oh, Gawd, Chu-Chu, stop being such a karma whore. I'm just looking for my Power Glove; I promise I'll put it all back. Oh, there it is." She slipped her fist into the glove and wiggled it around to accustom herself to the device. She hadn't used this in years. "Wooyeah."
Chu-Chu gestured towards her computer. "I've been taking a 'What Supreme Court Justice Are You?' test. I'm Ruth Bader Ginsburg, see?"
"What? No fair; I wanted to be Ruth Bader Ginsburg! I hope I'm not Antonin Scalia."
Someone pounded on the door. "Bumbling Recurring Minor Villains' Local #203, open up!" Raijin bellowed.
Chu-Chu raised a fuzzy eyebrow. "Dear me, what have chu done now, Yuffie?"
Yuffie hurried across the room and opened the door, revealing the entire union. "We're here to investigate some alleged network abuse," Dominia announced as she, Kelvena, Seraphita, Tolone, Fujin, Raijin, Rude, Reno, Elena, Jesse, James, Meowth, and Tron Bonne all filed into the dorm room.
Yuffie backed away. "Gawd, could you have, like, possibly fit more people into this room?"
Chu-Chu waved her hands towards the door. "Shoo! Shoo! You're disturbing our feng shui!" She pointed towards a certificate on the wall. "See, the maximum approved chupacity for this room is only 8 persons!"
"Yuffie, you've been charged with violating the Digital Millennium Copyright Act by transferring, helping to transfer, linking to someone who transfers, or being within a 20-mile radius of someone who transfers Niccolo Group's intellectual property across the Internet," Rude said.
Chu-Chu wrung her hands. "Chu-Chu wants you all chu leave! There's chu many people in here!"
Dominia reached for a chair. "No! Don't touchu -" Chu-Chu leapt towards Dominia in a vain attempt to prevent her from moving the piece of furniture closer to the computer. She stopped and sighed. "- that."
Dominia stared down at Chu-Chu. "What?"
"Chu just blocked the flow of chi through the room," Chu-Chu moped. "Now the white tiger won't be able to find my room. Chu-Chu's love life is ruined!" She sighed and looked up at her beloved posters. "I'll come for chu someday, Fei."
Dominia sat down. "Miss Kisaragi, you have to realize that these are very serious crimes," she began. "Hackers like you are costing the museum industry billions of dollars every year. Because of your actions, Shinra only made 5 trillion gil last year instead of 5.0001 trillion gil. If you don't hand over your computer and agree not to touch a computer for the next three years, we'll be forced to arrest you."
"Dude, you totally can't just, like, walk in here and arrest me!" Yuffie said.
Dominia rose. "You say we can't. Want to see if you're right?" She snapped her fingers.
"To pass the time in barren levels!" Elena began.
"To bring smiles with comic pratfalls!" Reno continued.
"To denounce the evil of turning good, ya know?"
"REACH, EXTEND."
"Earth!" Dominia shouted.
"Fire!"
"Wind!"
"Water!" Kelvena finished the sequence.
"Minor villains blast off in bickering teams!" Jesse cried.
"But we'll only appear in a couple scenes!" James echoed.
"That's right!" Tron yelled.
"...," Rude said.
As Chu-Chu dived for cover under her desk, the Minor Villains charged en masse towards Yuffie and ended up tripping over themselves in a matter of seconds. Tron was the first to fall, trampled from behind from the Turks. James tripped over him and fell down, bumping into Jesse as he fell. Soon the entire union -- save Dominia and Rude -- had collapsed into a heap on the ground.
"Wow!!" Seraphita exclaimed. "This is a lot of fun!!!!!"
Rude seized Yuffie's arm with one of his and put her in a headlock with his other. Yuffie wriggled about and tried to kick him; he tightened her grip until she abandoned that plan and gasped with pain. Meanwhile, Dominia unplugged Yuffie's computer, smashed the monitor with her sword, and carried the case out under her arm.
When the chaos had finally subsided, Chu-Chu crawled out from her desk. "Oh dear."
* * *
Selphie's yo-yo sagged lifelessly up and down, mirroring the pace of its owner's thoughts. "I can't believe she's gone," she repeated. "Just like that. It's one thing for her to not be around for a while ... but to be taken away like that. And to prison."
Chu-Chu paced the room in small circles. "Oh dear, oh dear," she mumbled for the sixth time in the past ten minutes.
"You're sure the Headmaster can't do anything?"
"I talked to him, Irvine; I really did. But his hands are tied. If he didn't expel Yuffie and release her to the police, he'd be held guilty too. It's some new law; I don't get it."
"But it's not his fault!" This explanation didn't sit at all with Zell. He hated the whole idea that people should be held responsible for others' responsible. That was what had screwed him up like this, after all, right? Zell craved moral rectitude more than anything. But how could he ever have any peace of conscience when his worth as a human being kept getting dragged down by things outside his control. "It's not fair, dammit! It's not fair; it's not right; it's stupid; it sucks!" He paused. "Whoa, I think I just wrote a Linkin Park song."
Selphie laughed. "Oh, Zell, you always find some way to crack me up no matter how dreary things get."
He cracked a thin smile and was immediately relieved. Finding bits of humor of horror, something refreshingly human about the new and unknown, made the frustration a lot more manageable. It was not so horrible as to consume his entire mind.
But heartache quickly returned to fill the gap that Yuffie had left. "Chu-Chu misses her already. Now I feel so bad for re-arranging our room and not asking her about it. I never even got to apologize. And chu know she didn't mean any harm! Why do they have to be so harsh on her?"
"Yeah, it doesn't seem right," Selphie said. "She didn't even hurt anyone. The worst that happens is some museum doesn't get as much money."
Zell's fist smashed through empty air. Frustrated, but nothing to take it out on. So much for the good times he had been envisaging. "Arrgh! Stuff like this shouldn't happen! There should be something we can do about it!"
Irvine nodded. "Yeah, you'd think she should have some recourse. Someone who can put up some case for her freedom."
"Yeah... I suppose there's all sort of legal action groups out there who we could try to get to take her case," Selphie pondered. "But who do we know that knows anything about political campaigning?"
They all looked at each other.
* * *
What a shitty life I have.
While Angelo scurried after a tennis ball, Rinoa sat on her doorstep and radiated hatred towards everything except her dog. The world, it seemed, sought only to let her down. What did she have to hold onto to give her any worth? Certainly not her crappy secretary job in the Garden office. Besides, she knew she'd only been given the position because of Squall. Yeah, everything seemed to come to back him. Dammit. She wanted to be important in her right, not only be tolerated because of him. Fat chance of that, though. They all hated her.
She knew she was already being blamed for everything that had gone wrong with their relationship. Squall's fangirls had always resented her for taking their precious boy away from them. And so rather than face the facts and admit that Squall wanted her, they resorted to painting her as some unreasonable monster who had manipulated Squall into something he didn't want. Bullshit. She was the one being kicked around here. She was the one who had tolerated all of Squall's wishy-washiness for two years and tried to keep the relationship going. She was the one who had been demonized and scorned. Few said anything to her face, of course, but she knew the words being bandied about behind her back. Whore. Slut. Manipulative bitch. How dare she make Squall happy? He was supposed to be getting it on with Seifer!
Well, fuck them all. Fame did not obligate either of them to anything, as far as she concerned, and she would have no more of this abuse. Maybe if Squall really made her happy, she could put up with it. But, she had finally, grudgingly conceded, he didn't.
Besides, she was furnisexual now.
Angelo sprinted back to her master with the baseball clenched firmly in her jaw. She deposited it on Rinoa's lap and looked up for approval. Rinoa beamed and gave her a great big hug, clinging tightly to the last thing that offered her any happiness. If only she could somehow draw enough joy and comfort of her to make up for all the other crap. Fuck people. Angelo loved her no matter what. She rubbed her dog's neck affectionately. "Good girl," she murmured, and was rewarding with a big sloppy lick. Thank goodness for the animals; they were the only ones who had any sense left.
A veritable raiding party of unwanted visitors came walking down the street. The sunlight behind them transformed them into shadowed, but as they stepped out of it, Rinoa identified them: Selphie, Zell, Irvine, and that dumb pink Ewok.
She jumped up. "Look, if you're here about Squall, you can turn yourself the fuck around, because I'm not talking about it."
"Uh..." Truth to be told, Selphie had completely forgotten about the break-up. Normally, she'd be leaping into action to support her friends. But between her long conversations with Zell and now Yuffie's abrupt departure from Garden, she had too many of her own problems to worry about. "I'm not, not at all. I came 'cause I knew you were really into politics and stuff."
"Oh?" Rinoa's interested perked, but she still sounded skeptical. She slipped Angelo into her leash and rose to speak to them.
"Um, we were wondering if you could ..." Selphie said. "You know Yuffie Kisaragi, right? My friend, from Wutai? Kinda short, dark hair, sits in front of the computer all day?"
"Yeah, I think so."
"She's been arrested for distributing 'museum warez' and kicked out of Garden. And I don't think it's fair, because she wasn't really hurting anyone. So I was wondering if we could, like ... organize some sort of campaign to get her released?"
Rinoa nodded. "Ha! Then you've definitely come to the right person!" She was clearly thrilled to have her relentless campaigning finally recognized and appreciated. Usually they laughed at her for it. Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise that Selphie had come when she did. At last someone cared about her life. "I'm glad you finally woke up. Come inside."
The gang followed Rinoa into the small townhouse she lived in and up the stairs to her bedroom. Zell realized that he'd never actually been inside Rinoa's place before; he'd only seen it from the outside. There was, however, no disputing that this was Rinoa's home. A "WHALES AND SPOTTED OWLS ARE NOT VEGANS -- KILL THEM ALL" poster hung beneath a "BLUEBIRD MATING RITUALS = GENDER APARTHEID" banner, among many other such decorations. And Rinoa's red Che Guevara T-shirt went very nicely with the identical red flag hanging like a canopy over her bed.
"Hey, does this have anything to do with that fat sack of lard from Niccolo Group?" Rinoa inquired. "I overheard him complaining to Cid yesterday about something..."
"Yeah!" Selphie said. The others had found seats for themselves, but she was too wound up to sit down. "That's the one!"
Rinoa rubbed her hands together. "Damn, I should have known something was going down." She paced the room while her mind ran through possible ways to free Yuffie - and all the obstacles that would be in the way. "Niccolo is a money-grubbing Wall Street bastard that only cares about his own profit line. Yuffie wasn't doing anything wrong - it's not his problem if his business model is outdated. Computer images aren't a commodity. They're just information that can be shared so that every computer can replicate the same sequence of pixels. It's not stealing when everyone wins. And besides, he only runs the museum; the artists who actually made the napkins probably weren't even paid for this. Niccolo's probably doing it all for the oil!"
That's right! Chu-Chu thought. Museum warez are a non-zero-sum game! I can copy one file an infinite number of times and never lose a thing! Gosh, that economics class really was paying off! She was just so clued-in now.
Selphie frowned. "Wait, how is oil connected at all to this?"
"I don't know yet, but their right-wing hegemonical government propaganda can't pull the wool over my eyes! Their sociopolitical media machine is de facto censorship, and anyone who advocates censorship belongs in prison." Her short evaluation had settled everything for Rinoa. Selphie and Yuffie were definitely in the right, and she would side with them. "No one's going to stand for this once we expose the truth!" she declared with an emphatic slam of her fist into her palm. She stopped pacing and turned to face her guests. "And you definitely came to the right person for that! I'm the president of the local anarchists' society. We struggle against all forms of hierarchy and institutionalized order. Here, here's a pamphlet explaining our views." Rinoa handed Selphie a small brochure. Beneath its blurry pictures of protests against Hyne-knows-what, the pamphlet listed "GOOD ISMS" and "BAD ISMS."
"Um, there's not much information on here."
Rinoa shrugged. "Don't worry about it. Just memorize what's on there and you'll be able to resist the corporate brainwashers. Oh, here's some Noam Chomsky books." She sweeped a stack out of her bookshelf and dumped them into Selphie's hands. "You don't have to worry about reading these, but if you're going anywhere, carry some of them. It makes you looks smart. Oh, and here's a Free Mumia bumper sticker; maybe you can cross out 'Mumia' and write 'Kisaragi.'"
"Okay." That seemed a little silly, but she wasn't about to comment on it. Selphie appreciated every bit of aid she was getting, especially given that Rinoa didn't even know Yuffie. And, besides, Rinoa was the expert on politics. Who was she to question any of this?
Irvine also found himself treading on uncertain ground. Rinoa's activism had always something that they shrugged off as a quirky feature - like eye color or a speech impediment. None of the SeeDs - except Squall, of course - had really paid any attention to it. Who'd have thought that it could impact their lives? "So you do a lot of this political campaigning stuff?" he asked.
"Oh yeah! I helped Fujin and Raijin organize a picket the other day. They finally unionized and got a better contract! I'm so happy."
"Hey!" Chu-Chu pointed an accusing finger at Rinoa. "Fujin and Raijin were the ones who took Yuffie away! Then this is all chu-or fault!"
"Oh, give me a break." Rinoa was clearly no stranger to this argument. "That was their decision. I only gave them more options and empowered them to change their lives. Whether they did it for good or bad has nothing to do with me. So don't blame me for their decisions, huh? That's the kind of thing Niccolo would do."
"Hmph." Chu-Chu did not sound very convinced, but the only counter-argument she could think of was, "Well, chu should be a little more careful with the ideas you put into peoples' heads; they do listen to them, chu know."
"Aaanyway, yeah, this kind of work is what I live for." Rinoa knew the question did not really need further elaboration, but she would waste no opportunity to talk about her work, "I've been on a real workers' right kick. Just one of those moods I get, sometime - maybe next month I'll be totally into gender roles. So I've been trying to get those worker bees to unionize, but it's turning out to be a tough fight."
"You're trying to unionize worker bees?" Selphie was incredulous.
"What, are you some kind of strike-breaking Wall Street bastard? Of course I am! They're being oppressed! They do all the work and the damn queen rakes all the profit! But wherever the bee proletariat is, I will be too. I am the voice of the voiceless!" She paused for a moment, then continued in a more conversational tone, "What's even worse than the bees, though, is the vultures. You'd think the obvious virtues of veganism would be easy to explain to them, but noooo, they have to keep eating carrion. It's 'nature's way'; that's what everyone claims. Well, screw you, Mother Nature! It's time to forge a better world! We need free, no-questions-asked birth control available for all armadillos! I mean, where can female armadillos go right now if they want an abortion? Huh? You tell me! Oh yeah, and ... save the whales! Except when they eat meat, or eat plants, or perpetrate strict gender roles, or oppress furnisexual whales. Then they deserve to die."
Zell idly noted that The Vegan Vultures would be a good name for a ska band.
Most of them were content to write all this off as part of Rinoa's quirky other life, but Chu-Chu had her sensibilities offended. She had no use for anyone who - quite literally - wore her politics as a fashion statement. She pointed an accusing finger at Rinoa. "Those bees are getting along just fine without chu! They don't need chu telling them what it do! It's like the Mambo Veda says, 'They who proclaim the world depends on them speak falsehoods, for Mambo is with us all, and none need depend on anything but faith.' Shevites 7:18-19."
"Look, don't pull any of that religious shit with me. Those bees are being oppressed!"
"Hey, guys, quit fighting!" Selphie interjected. "We're supposed to be on the same side, remember? Let's not start arguing before we've even done again."
"Sorry," Chu-Chu mumbled. Maybe Rinoa had a point - she didn't know if the Wondrous Mambo God protected bees and humans, too.
Rinoa folded her arms. "Politics makes strange bedfellows sometimes, can we leave it at that?"
Chu-Chu shrugged. "I'll be happy if politics makes Chu-Chu any bedfellows."
Rinoa's pacing had osmosed itself to Selphie. She fiddled with her blue bracelet as she walked up and down the room. That helped her think. And the conversation needed her to keep it on track; she wasn't allowed any more casual chatting. "So, um, what are going to do?" Selphie asked.
"Well, everyone likes you," Rinoa said with only the slightest hint of bitterness, "so I'll let you be the leader. You guys can be in charge of making sure people hear this situation and raising money. If we want to fight the almighty gil, we need plenty of it ourselves. So you guys start trying to drum up donations. In the mean time, I'll look for some other groups that might want to take the case. Fair enough?"
Selphie nodded. "Gotcha. Thanks so much for the help."
"It's what I live for," Rinoa said. "And we'll need a catchy slogan, so if you happen to think of any, let me know the next time we meet."
"Will do!"
They started for the door. "By the way," Rinoa grabbed their attention with a sudden stern seriousness, "you'd better not be thinking of this as a game. There's no magic switch we can pull to fix our problems and make the world better. You won't be able to secure Yuffie's freedom and happiness without risking your own. It's always a long road from law to justice, and in the mean time what happens is that the rich get richer and the poor get sued. If you're serious about this, you'd better stick with me and fight the system with every bit of fight you have in you."
"Of course," Selphie said with equal seriousness. "She's my friend; I'll do whatever I must to save her." She was no stranger to adversity and danger, after all - she was a SeeD! She'd helped save the world from a power-hungry sorceress! Fighting the legal system was only another new challenge. The surest way to fail was to start doubting herself; she did not let herself worry about things she could do nothing about.
"Good, because you'll need to."
With that last thought hanging in their minds, they left Rinoa's. Numerous questions still burdened them. Could Rinoa really save Yuffie? How much would they have to sacrifice to win her freedom? And was "hegemonical" a real word?
They found Mikoto lounging, arms folded, against the side of Rinoa's apartment. Her eyes were mostly closed, her posture was abyssmal, and it would have been hard for anyone to look more apathetic. "I knew you'd be here," she grumbled. "You're so predictable."
"Oh, hi, Mikoto!" Selphie said. She didn't know the monkey-tailed girl that well. They didn't have much reason to interact: Mikoto was a young student; Selphie was a mid-ranking SeeD. But she certainly heard plenty of Mikoto's opinions on anything -- it was hard not to. And the two of them had crossed paths during some other strange times at Gardens -- for all her supposed apathy, Mikoto always seemed to pop up whenever anything big was happening. "Did you hear what we were talking about? Are you going to help too?"
"No, I was just waiting here to insult you."
That comment was confusing enough to stop Selphie right where she stood. "Er, are you being sarcastic?"
"No, and you're an idiot. I hate it when people like you are emotional over what happens to other people. That's completely irrational."
"You just hate it when anyone's emotional about anything," Selphie pointed out.
"Well, of course," Mikoto said. "There's no reason to be emotional about anything. Don't you really how cosmically insignificant your lives are? None of your problems actually matter. And, Zell, quit whining about your webcomic; it isn't funny. In fact, nothing at all is funny. If you think anything is funny, you're dumb and don't recognize the cosmic insignificance of everything you 'care' about. Also, all music sucks. Except for the White Stripes, who are the saviors of rock'n'roll."
Selphie wasn't sure whether to laugh at the cartoonish absurdity of what Mikoto was proposing or be horrified that someone sincerely believed it. "Boy, do you ever need a hug," she said.
Mikoto rolled her eyes. "Yeah, that's the kind of childish response I'd expect from someone whose name anagrams into 'Hi, I'm little pest.' You know, sometime you'll realize that none of what you say and do actually manages and that the world goes on by itself regardless of what happens to people. Have a nice time failing to change the world in the mean time." Nose held high with scorn, tail twitching with irritation, she marched off. Ha. She was so much smarter and intellectual than those emotional peons.
Zell scratched his tattoo. "You know, for all her abrasiveness, at least she's unflaggingly honest about her complete disregard for human suffering."
"Yeah, I suppose there's something to be said for that," Selphie conceded. "I guess."
* * *
Xu had not been on an actual SeeD mission in ages, but by the time she staggered into the bedroom, she felt like she had been in a warzone. She was tired, so tired, and yearning to be free from the infernal machine that was her life. She had no alternatives as far as she was concerned; the only thing she wanted from the world to transcend it all, to go to sleep and never wake up. "I think that was the worst day of work ever," she said as she collapsed on the bed. "First I had to expel the student behind that whole museum fiasco. I know I had to; I know we didn't have any alternatives. But I can't stand passing judgment like that on anyone, because I know they're not any worse than me. I'd make the same mistakes if I were them, and it's not fair that I've been given the right to punish them. I'm in a position of power that I don't deserve to have in the least. Because I suck. I really do."
Xu didn't even believe all the accusations she leveled against herself. She knew she was not that good of a human being, but she liked to think she still had some redeeming qualities. But what if she didn't? Her self-depreciation was like a test - a test to reassure herself that she might not be a completely awful person. Insecurity gnawed away at her; she simply could not answer any possible criticism alone. She did not have the confidence for that. She had needed to hear each attack against herself answered by Quistis before she really believed that said attacks might not be completely valid. So she had to set up every possible complaint and let Quisty shoot them down before she could go on. The back of her mind nagged her that it probably wasn't right to drag Quistis through this - she had her own life to live, her own desires, after all - but, Hyne, what else could she have done? The desire to be a good person was at the very center of existence. It was only natural to try to quiet her guilt, and it was really the only one thing she didn't feel guilty about doing. Without it she would be truly nothing.
"No, you don't," Quistis soothed her. She didn't mind comforting Mengshi, really. She certainly understand the reasons for Mengshi's guilt, and today had been a bad day at work. And yet ... Mengshi's continual tirades against herself made Quistis feel like she didn't matter to Mengshi. She clearly thought Mengshi was a good person; she still wanted her just the way she was. And so when Mengshi insisted she wasn't good enough, it seemed like Quistis' word and opinions were simply not good enough for her. Like she could not settle for Quistis' love and had to aspire to something even better.
"Yes, I do," Xu moaned. "It's my job to keep Garden running properly and I'm doing a terrible job of it. Fujin and Raijin went on strike, and walked right of Garden, and ..." Then her suffering got too great to even put into a linear sentence. She could not even begin to describe the extent of her failure, of how much a failure and a terrible person she was. In a sudden surge of rage against her futility, she grabbed the corner of the quilt and squeezed it in her hand. "Fuck it."
Gah, poor Mengshi. Quistis was just getting more worried about her. She laid a comforting hand on Xu's arched back. "Did you talk to the Kramers about taking a vacation? You really do deserve one, dear."
Xu hesitated. The answer was "No," of course, but she didn't feel that did her justice. She wanted the answer to be "But..." There was to the more to the story, she had her reasons, she couldn't be at fault! No, there was nothing more she could do about this mess. She silenty shook her head, expecting to Quistis at understand.
Quistis sighed. Her bookmark went into her book and the book back on the shelf. So much for nice pleasant reading.
No "I understand." Not even one of Quistis' wonderful pursed-lip half-smiles? Why not? "You're not mad at me, are you?" That wouldn't be fair. It wasn't ,em>her fault; she couldn't do anything about it -- actually talking to the Kramers was certainly not an option. So how could Quistis be mad at her? She was doing the best good job she could, really she was...
"Well, yes, a little. I asked you to do something, you promised you'd do it, and then you didn't."
"I can't talk to them, Quistis; I just can't. I can't make someone else do my job; that's not fair. They've been kind enough to believe in me enough to get me where I am; I don't want to abuse their trust in me."
"Mengshi, you do plenty of work already, and you know you can't solve every problem. You're not God; you're not Superman."
No, and I'm not even you. How could Quistis tolerate her when she was like this? Xu was older than Quistis, outranked her, had more duties, and yet it was indisputable that Quistis was the better person. Quistis didn't even have to try. "I don't want to disappoint you," she murmured as she started to undress.
Quistis sighed. What more could she say? She didn't mind supporting Xu through her shortcomings if it actually made a difference, but it didn't seem like things were ever changing. Xu didn't seem to care enough to try to improve her life, not when she still wouldn't even just talk to the Kramers. And if Xu didn't care about herself, then what could Quistis do? She had said all this before; what good could come of repeating the same assurances one more time? "If you're not being true to yourself, you can hardly be true to me."
What is wrong with me? Everything she did, even when she was specifically trying to not disappoint anyone, only upset the people she cared about. Far too tired to do anything but sleep, she crawled across the bed and slipped under the covers. Quistis embraced her half-heartedly, her mind clearly elsewhere. Xu winced inwardly. The hole she was digging herself must really be getting big if Quistis was this distant.
But Quistis, noting Xu's lingering discomfort, tried yet again to break through. "Mengshi, you know I can't make you work less. I'm not your parents. I'm just worried to death over you - because I care about you, okay?"
That much Xu never disputed. Quistis did care about her, certainly wished that she would be happy. No, the problem was that ... that Quistis' happiness didn't have anything to do with her. Xu was worried that Quistis did not truly want her, would soon tire of endless follies and wake up to the fact that her Mengshi was nothing but a burden. And that ... well, that made Xu as good as a lifeless zombie. What did she care if others wanted her to be happy? They were only saying that. In truth, her happiness was at a complete right angle to theirs.
Doing admissions every year reminded Xu that average was no longer good enough. The world was like a game of musical chairs; there were not enough positions at Garden for everyone, not enough loving to go around to everyone who wanted to be loved. And now there were so many people that even being middle-of-the-road was not enough. When anything less than a perfect test on the SeeD test was a crushing defeat, when a movie judged 'average' - or even 'above average' was not worth seeing because there were so many better ones, how could she hope to find a place for herself? She couldn't just be herself, she had to excel, constantly and unrelentlessly. Being far above-average was the new standard.
"I know," Xu murmured. She reached to turn off the light. "I'll talk to the Kramers as soon as I can, I promise."
She still didn't really mean it.
| Next chapter: Things Fall Apart |