Trabia.

She could not pretend to have forgotten it. Nor could she claim not to see the parallels between Yuffie's sudden disappearance and the ... sudden disappearance of T-Garden. Now everything around her now seemed to reflect it, no matter how strained the comparison. Like last night, they'd tried an innocent game of Monopoly to distract themselves. But when Zell drew a Get Out of Jail Free card, she'd just wanted to curl up and cry again.

And it came to her over and over in dreams, like a train chasing her that she could not hope to return. She saw the dorms collapsing, her peers dying, like she'd actually been there. Saw them chasing them, berating her for letting it all happen again. She'd failed Sun Hye; she'd failed Yuffie...

Waking up from those nightmares never seemed to offer much comfort. The angry spirits were gone, but their words lived on in her head. Her eyes might only show her a room, but her memory was consumed with questions to which there were no answers.

The missiles. Oh, Hyne, it was always the missiles. She had seen them spiral into the sky, all shiny and polished like they were some great product of human creation rather than pure death. Entropy. The shredding of all she had built of her life, the futility of trying to create any permanent order in the universe.

Over thirty casualties. Pieces of rubble. Everything that had stood proud out of the chaos gone. And she had seen the missiles flying. She could have saved them but she hadn't; she wasn't good enough and it was all happening again. Sun Hye had been taken away from her and now it was Yuffie. And what could she do but deny? When she had seen the missiles, she had told herself that they wouldn't do damage. When they had killed Ultimecia, she had told herself that evil was gone and nothing like it would ever happen again. When Yuffie had been taken away, she had told herself that Rinoa could get her back...

But could she?

Selphie's bed was becoming a clammy hell. She was sweating horribly and the wounded fetal position she was locked in hurt her muscles. But she did not want to move, only hover on the border on existence and try to talk herself out of this prison of guilt. She clutched her beloved plush chocobo, Gracie, to her chest. Gracie would get her out of this somehow. There would still be a way.

But she only saw the missiles. The graves. Yuffie's empty bed. A great, empty existence expanding before her.

She finally regained enough control and clarity of thought out of bed. Hyne. This couldn't go on like this. She needed to find some salvation from this five minutes ago. Every second seemed too late; the world was already too horrible to comprehend. Like someone had already been due to save it and dropped the ball. But she had never, ever been one to give up. It was too early to say there was no hope, only none that she could see. She could keep looking. But for now, there was little she could do but take a long drink of water and stumble downstairs to see Zell.

* * *

Salvation - temporary salvation, at least - came in the form of what had now been christened the Free Kisaragi Foundation after Selphie's new bumper sticker. Working to free Yuffie not only distracted her, it kept alive the hope that something could be done to stop history repeating from itself. But her mental state remained was like a balloon being held over a pit of spikes by a couple upward-pointing fans. As long as the fans stayed on, as long as the world barraged with her distractions, she was okay. But should that shut off for even moment, it didn't take her long to spiral down and pop.

They met again in Rinoa's house to discuss more concrete plans. Though Selphie had been initially skeptical of Rinoa's ability to effect any meaningful change, she had now become grateful for the chance to actually do some work. As long as she forced herself to fight as hard as she could can, everything would work out. She still had faith.

"Chu-Chu made a poster with a catchy slogan!" Chu-Chu held up her work for proud display. "Look, it says 'Make Bukkake, Not War!'"

"Uh, what does that have to with Yuffie?"

Chu-Chu paused to consider this. Maybe she hadn't done such a good job after all and had let them down. "Well ... maybe if Chu-Chu gets some, that will make me happy, and then I'll be more enthused about saving Yuffie? I guess that's not a very good plan."

"It's a start," Rinoa said. "And put a hooded pitohui on everything you do. I decided that's going to be our official symbol."

"What's a hooded pitohui?"

"It's the world's most poisonous bird! See, it's just like how The Man may think we're innocent and harmless, but we will strike with ferocity and destroy them from inside!"

"Uh, okay."

Rinoa coughed. "Anyway ... you're going to Quistis' housewarming party tonight, aren't you?" Selphie nodded. "Good, that's going to be a perfect opportunity to start hitting people up for donations."

Selphie frowned. "Um... I don't know; that's not really fair to Quistis and Xu. I know this is a big occasion for them and I don't want to spoil it by hijacking the whole thing with politics."

"Politics?" Rinoa howled, and Selphie cringed. So much for trying to compromise. "Don't try to write off human suffering by labeling it as 'politics.' This is Yuffie's life; it's everything to her! What are you going to tell her - that you couldn't save her because you wanted to party? This is life. The world's problems won't go on hold just because some preppy white girls want to party."

Irvine shrugged. "Eh, I can't see how one day will make much of a difference."

"One day is one day more that Yuffie unjustly rots in a prison," Rinoa grumbled. "No one is free while others are oppressed. We're relatively priviledged and we have a moral obligation to ensure that everyone else is, too. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem."

Selphie liked to think that everyone was always part of the solution. "Rinoa, we're not going to win anyone's favor by spoiling their parties or yelling in their faces," she said. "Who'd want to listen to us?"

"The idea isn't to make people want to listen us - they never will! But if we become a big enough of nuisance, we will get heard. And you can say whatever the hell you want about love and peace and understanding, but power still calls all the shots. You're a fool if you think protesting and fighting against the system is ever going to make you popular, Selphie; no one wants to be told they're wrong. The only way to change anything is to force that change."

She frowned. Rinoa was probably right, but Selphie liked to keep a more optimistic view of the world. But what if life was really this ugly? What if it really was nothing but a never-ending war, like Rinoa suggested? If kindness and charity and love were all helpless before this brutish struggle? "That's just going to hurt more people..." she said. She didn't want Rinoa to be right and she had to put up every counterargument she could.

Rinoa shrugged. "Well, then they get what coming to them. Look at this way, Selphie: anything we do to The Man is nothing compared to what he's done to innocent people over the centuries. They created this problem; they refused to solve it. It's their fault for not paying attention. If everyone acted with our strength and courage, these problems wouldn't exist. We can't back out. We can only fight and wait for others to fall in line behind us. Think of it as a chess game, Selphie. Everyone wants to be the winner in the end. But if you want to get the ultimate victory, you have to be willing to give up some of your pieces. Who cares if you lose a couple of pawns along the way? Maybe we will make a few enemies, but so it goes. But this is about saving innocent people. You're either on the white side or the black side, and you have to be willing to give up some of your pieces to win the game. We're not going to win this game if we only 'play nice.' Capice?"

If Selphie was upset, Chu-Chu was even moreso. Yuffie was her best friend and she had been prepared to do anything to free her from unjust imprisonment, but ... Rinoa seemed to be asking her to hurt other innocent people. That was wrong! It went against every moral that she had! Yes, these people were humans; they didn't have her great big pink furry guardian god looking over them. But Chu-Chu knew that the Wondrous Mambo God loved everyone (yes, "that way" :>) and wouldn't approve of any kind of violence or politicking. The ends never justified that means.

Rinoa could sense their continued reluctance. "I'm doing this for you, remember?" she snapped. "I thought you wanted your friend back. And let me tell you, Yuffie is like Tinkerbell. She ain't coming back unless we all clap all our hands, together, at the right time. And tonight is the right time. I'll see you there."

Selphie sighed. She was torn between frustration with her inability to talk some rationality into Rinoa and a growing, gnawing fear that Rinoa was actually right. What if her objections to Rinoa's ideas weren't because Rinoa was actually wrong, but because she was afraid of having to give up her own luxuries for the greater good and didn't want to hear the truth?

* * *

Despite Rinoa's objections, Selphie and Zell arrived at Quistis' party with nary a brochure in their possession. Zell was no fan of parties, especially ones where people might be bonding with alcohol to form stupidity, but he figured he could tolerate for Selphie and Quistis' sake. Besides, at least it was something to do that didn't involve dwelling on Yuffie's absence.

When he got there, however he saw it might not be too bad. Rinoa hadn't shown up yet, so he didn't have to worry about whether to join her in his campaigning. And Seifer seemed to be the only one intent on getting himself intoxicated and acting like an idiot - not that Zell found him much better sober. Hyne, what the hell was it with people and drinking, anyway? Not only could his straight-edge brain not make sense of the appeal, the whole thing pissed him off! Oh, their drunken obnoxiousness in and of itself he could tolerate; it was the fact that they were acting like idiots that bothered him. See, he liked most of the people he knew. He thought they were cool. So he hated it when they did dumb, stupid stuff that left him no choice but to lose respect for them! He didn't want to have to be cynical; why shouldn't he be mad at people that left him feeling less happy about the world?

But, fortunately, he didn't have any respect for Seifer left to lose.

So as parties went, this was pretty tolerable. He still didn't know what the heck he was supposed to do at a party, though. "Party," he supposed, but what did that entail? Showing up at a party? Well, he was sure partying all right. Woo yeah.

"Hey, anyone up for Twister?" Irvine asked.

Seifer eyed him suspiciously. "I'm not playing Twister with you, Kinneas."

"I was drunk. What's your excuse?"

Rinoa banged on the door and pushed it open before anyone had a chance to admit her. She had changed into her Che Guevara shirt - to prove just how "down with the revolution" she was, Zell supposed with a roll of his mind’s eye. And he thought he could see pictures of Yuffie crammed into her pockets. "Hi, everyone," she said. "Sorry I'm late. I've printed out a bunch of fliers for a new cause I'm organizing; I think it's something that you'll all find very relevant..."

Oh, please stop right now, Selphie thought as if mental begging could really stop it. She suddenly felt embarrassed to be associated with the cause, and that wasn't right. She wanted to be able to discuss what was important to her without becoming a party to other people's bad behavior. (That must be how Zell felt a lot of the time, she realized.) And Yuffie was her friend, dammit. She should be the one orchestrating the image of the Free Kisaragi Foundation. How had Rinoa taken it over so quickly?

The first response Seifer's mocking laughter. "Let me guess, saving the whales again? Or are you 'taking back the day' for female bats?"

! Squall spotted Seifer's crude remark and pounced it on like a hungry wolf. This was just what he needed! A chance to jump in and prove to Rinoa that he wasn't like all those other jerks! He would support her even though she had dumped him and prove how truly devoted he was. Whatever made her happy! "Hey, Seifer, can it. Why don't you at least to what Rinoa's going to say?" he said.

"Shut up, Squall; you don't even know what you're talking about," Rinoa snapped.

"Yeah, Leonhart, the whore dumped you like the Exxon Valdez and you're still defending her same ol' hippie feminazi bullshit? How utterly pathetic."

"So, um... Twister? Anyone?"

Zell, like Selphie, was seething. He hated the way stomaching Seifer's behavior seemed to consitute an implicit acceptance of it. Zell wasn't doing anything to stop Seifer from being an ass - that was almost as bad as being an ass, right? He felt so embarrassed. If someone who didn't know him - hell, even someone who knew him - walked in here right now and saw him listening to Seifer's boorishness, they'd think he was a part of it. And they were right - he was a part of it. He wasn't stopping it so he was a part of it. What was he supposed to do? Starting a fight probably couldn't change anything, but not speaking him made him an asshole like Seifer.

Seifer snatched one of Rinoa's pamphlets away as soon as she offered it. "Ooh, look," he teased. "'Free Yuffie.' Who's that, another feminazi dyke who got locked up for talking too much?"

Quistis quietly excused herself and went upstairs to the bedroom.

That really sent Zell off. It wasn't fair that good, caring people like Quistis (and Yuffie) wound up the victims of self-centered assholes. Seifer was the problem here; he should be exiled upstairs instead of the people who cared. Every time something like this happened, he felt he had to somehow right the wrongs and protect the good people so they wouldn't get kicked around like this. It wasn't fair, it wasn't fair, it wasn't fair...

"SHUT THE HELL UP, SEIFER!!" he bellowed.

All the conversation in the room stopped dead. An uncomfortable silence immediately rose from its ashes. He could tell from their faces that most of them weren't entirely unsympathetic to his irritation with Seifer, they would really have preferred that he not make things even awkward by yelling like that.

And now that his anger had been purged from his system, he felt like a complete dodo. Dammit, he'd let it get the better of him again. What was his problem? He could stop having to apologize all the time if he only stopped doing the things he had to apologize for. Wasn't making up his mind all he had to do? But, dangit, things never seemed that easy.

He sighed. "Dammit, I screwed up again. Sorry guys." He quickly excused himself through the back door to cool off.

There was no fighting out here in the yard, just a cool winter breeze that gently caressed the flowers. And soft moonlight that felt a lot less harsh than the artificial electric lights indoor. Out here, the world all seemed to flow together into one harmonious whole. It was hard for Zell to imagine that this was all the same universe that could produce such violent, stressful divisions as the one going on indoors. But there was no peace to be found here anyway. He had dragged his stupid, petty world out with him. Guilt had affixed his stupidity to him like a piece of gum on the bottom of his shoe. Everywhere he stepped, he left annoying little bits of it that other people would have to clean up. The damn thing would follow him relentlessly, slowing him down, keeping him back, pulling him inexorably back towards the world he was trying to escape.

Hyne, what was wrong with him? He was digging himself a bigger hole by the day. Every time he exploded, every time he broke his friends' trust in him and acted like a complete dick, he was sent packing back to square one and had to re-establish everything - trust, respect, dignity, a place in the world - he had fought for. That wouldn't be so bad except that every time, it got a little harder. A little harder to face everyone else and ask them with a straight face to tolerate him. A little harder to believe he was worth tolerating.

The door creaked open and Irvine stepped out. He closed it behind himself, asking, "Hey, Zell, you okay? Sefie said not to worry, but..."

"I'm fine. I'm just a jackass, that's all. Don't mind me; you don't want to talk to me anyway."

His eyes tinged with genuine concern, Irvine walked up beside Zell and put his hand on Zell's shoulder. "Hey, look, don't be so hard on yourself, okay?" he said. "We all make mistakes. It's not a death warrant. I mean ... I've been there. You know I always choke up when I'm needed the most. Remember Deling City?" Zell looked up for the first time, as Irvine was now saying something new and worth considering. "You guys got imprisoned because I couldn't shoot when I was supposed to. But I'm still here, right? No one's holding it against me. You just can't let it get to you, Zell. Life's too short to go around beating yourself up over every mistake you make."

"Yeah, but I don't want to be a burden on people," Zell sighed. "I mean ... Selphie, you, everyone ... puts up with so much crap from me, I know."

"Look, man, they've caused you trouble too sometimes, right?" Irvine said. "But you don't think the less of them for that, do you? That's because they're your friends. And you're our friend too."

Zell nodded. He agreed with that much - and he knew that in spite of how much of a jerk he felt like sometimes, his friends still considered him their friend, too, and that they were still happy that he was in their lives. But that didn't mean he couldn't try harder to do more of brightening their lives and less of causing them trouble.

Irvine sensed that Zell was not completely placated and continued. "Look, you know about chaos theory?"

"Um, not really. I've heard of it..."

"Anything can affect anything else in the universe. That's why it's impossible to predict what will happen in the future for sure. Y'know, 'cause to know with 100% certainty, we'd have to be able to track every single thing going on in the universe. Even a butterfly flapping its wings can change the weather in Esthar. Think about it! My fucking up a sniper mission saved Matron's life, helped you guys remember your childhoods, reunited Squall with his dad ... who ever would have predicted that? You can never know for sure how anything that happened in the past has brought about the present we know. Even a chance occurrence can completely change who you are. I mean, what if Selphie had never caught you looking at her diary? What if someone else had been assigned to help the Timber Owls? What if I had shot Matron in Deling City? We'd be in completely different places. Perhaps they'd be better, perhaps they'd be worse, but there's no way to know. That's what I'm saying. You're the sum of everything that's happened in your life to this point. And if you cut any part of that out, even the dumb stuff you wish you could take back sometimes, you change who you are. It'd make you someone else, and you don't even know who 'cause you never know what might have been. So don't beat yourself up over what's already said and done, 'cause even the bad things that happen mean something too. You can't go around second-guessing your entire life story. What seems like a total fuck-up at one point may end up bringing about a miracle down the road. At the very least, you learn from your mistakes."

Zell grinned. That argument was so beautifully airtight. Maybe it didn't excuse his temper, but it certainly gave him good reason not to beat himself up. "...thanks. That's a good explanation. I'll keep that one in mind."

"No problem," Irvine said. "I hope it helps." He paused for a moment, then added, "You know, you have nice eyes."

"Huh?" Zell said before he even time to process the comment. "Um, thanks."

"Oh, did I just say that? I must be drunk again. Sorry. Forgive my intoxication."

Zell wasn't sure whether Irvine was making fun of him, making fun of himself, or actually flirting with him. But subtlety and Irvine rarely went together, so Zell had to conclude that he was sincere. "Irvine, it's okay, I'm not offended or anything," he quickly protested. "It was nice, thanks."

"Look, I said I was drunk, Zell, I didn't mean it." Now Irvine seemed to be regretting what he said.

"Suuure you are."

"Would I lie to you?"

"Probably. "

"Okay, we'll make a deal. If you can prove I'm lying, I'll give you four ears of corn, how about that?"

Selphie stepped outside. "Hi, I just wanted to see what was going out here..."

"Zell thinks I think his eyes are ugly," Irvine explained. "I'm hurt."

"No, I don't," Zell cut in. He had little patience for teasing at the moment - most of his tolerance was still lost to the previous argument. He really didn't care whether or not Irvine was drunk or thought his eyes were pretty, and he was feeling too misanthropic right now to play along with the conversation. He sighed. "Sorry I got so pissed off."

Selphie shrugged. "It's not the end of the world. If any of us were that sensitive, we would have stopped talking to you a long time ago. And I'm sorry I dragged you here; I know you didn't want to come."

"Well, neither did you."

Selphie chuckled. Yep. She hadn't said it that explicitly, but he knew her well enough to read it all. That made her forget half the argument right there. Her heart desired to be part of the world; finding people who understood warmed it. And if someone else could figure her out, she always knew she couldn't be too crazy. Or maybe she and Zell were just nutty in the same way, but, hey, then they could be crazy together. "True, but Quistis is still my friend and I'll put up with some unpleasantness for her. I know this is a big occasion for her and Xu."

Irvine shrugged. "Hey, Zell, if you want to go home, you can take my car."

"Uh, you're not going to use it?"

"No, I'm drunk, remember?"

* * *

Whether Zell had started the arguing didn't really matter. By the time Irvine returned indoors, Rinoa had resumed her campaigning full-scale and was currently directingly her wrath at Xu and Quistis - the latter of whom had come back downstairs to defend the former. Xu was, after all, the one who had ultimately made the decision to kick Yuffie out of Garden. "I can't believe you backed down because you were afraid of getting sued! Is that your price tag on her life? Maybe she's just another student to you -- losing one won't hurt you!" Rinoa screamed each sentence; each one to her represented a vicious condemnation to which Quistis could not possibly have an answer. "But this is everything to her! This is her entire life that you've thrown away! Can you sincerely condemn another human being to this? If it happened to you, I know you want your friends to do everything they could to save you? What if this was your friend; would you be supporting me them? Her freedom isn't expendable; your fucking system is!"

Quistis sighed. She had known from this beginning that this was going to be an ugly situation, and it was only getting uglier. She couldn't write Rinoa's arguments off that easily. Hell, she was quite sympathetic to Rinoa's cause. She didn't want to see Yuffie go; she'd been the first to voice opposition to Niccolo, in fact. So she hardly cared as little as Rinoa claimed - but as long as Rinoa had made up her mind to hate her, what could she do? She couldn't control Rinoa's thoughts; there was only so much she could do to reason with her.

And she also knew that Rinoa's words hit Xu's guilty conscience right where it hurt. Xu felt bad enough about herself without Rinoa's assault on her. Quistis wanted to protect Xu from that, and she could not help being a little angry with Rinoa for hurting the woman she loved. And if she had a choice ... well, she didn't like to think of her friends as conflicting choices, but she'd choose her girlfriend's sanity over continued friendship with someone who only wanted to insult her.

"I know it seems terribly unfair," Quistis said gently. "But we didn't have much choice. Niccolo has the money and probably the law on his side. He can push us around, and that's just the way the world works sometimes. You have to learn to accept it."

"Bullshit!" The angry words tore in staccato bursts from Rinoa's lips like machine gun fire. "The world only works that way because you let it! There's nothing about the world that we can't change! If everyone stood up like me, like Selphie, then Kisaragi would be free! You're the problem, Quistis! What kind of person are you, to turn away from others' misery, to not fight with every ounce of your soul to fix the world?"

"Guys, please stop fighting..." Selphie tried to intercede.

Dangit, I will not let her make me feel bad, Quistis told herself. Guilt trip or no guilt trip, she knew she had done all she can. Rinoa's words hurt her, tugged at the strings that made her conscience dance, but they could not be true.

But Rinoa was right, Xu realized with a horrible sinking feeling. She - Xu - had failed them all. She was being a greedy, self-centered leech again. Her own selfish desire to make her job and life less complicated had taken away one girl's entire future. Hyne, what was wrong with her? She was a monster; she really was.

"A person who knows how to get by," Quistis said sadly. "A person who knows that our lives will never be perfect and that we can't devote our entire hearts to every problem that exists if we want to stay sane." For that was the sad truth.

"Come on, we're here to have fun. Look, it's Mr. Socky the sock puppet! Everyone say hi to Mr. Socky!"

"That's easy for you to say! You don't have to face the consequences of what you do to other people! You don't have to look Yuffie in the eye and tell her that her life isn't as important as Garden's bank account! You can hide between your fan club and only listen to people who agree with you!"

Whatever sympathy Rinoa had with Xu immediately vanished in a rush of anger. How could Rinoa make such specious accusations against someone who was trying so hard to be kind? It was so untrue! Anyone who knew Quistis at all knew that the Trepies made her uncomfortable! Rinoa was just ... just wrong! Xu simply couldn't understand how anyone could get into a state of mind that justified say such things. Oh, it was one thing to insult Xu herself; she could take it. And she probably deserved all the abuse she got and then some. But to tear apart a person as wonderful as her beloved Quisty? Xu could hardly stand by and let Quistis' endless kindness towards Rinoa be returned so harshly.

"Now, listen, that's not true!" she jumped into the conversation. "Quistis isn't hiding behind her fan club any more than you're hiding behind Squall! If she didn't care about other people, she wouldn't be trying to reason with you! She doesn't even want all those fans!"

"Look, look, Mr. Socky's biting my nose! Ow! Stop it, Mr. Socky!"

Rinoa rolled her eyes. "Yeah, that's what they all say."

"...you're not looking."

Grrr! She should be able to to rewrite Rinoa's brain and remove the untruths. And she was furious that she could not. "No, it's not true!" she shouted. Unable to restrain her frustrations, she grabbed Rinoa by the shoulders and shoved her backwards.

"Mengshi, please, I can take care of myself..."

But it was too late to stop things now. Rinoa was infuriated. This was where it all counted, she was telling herself. This was where she had to prove her courage. She could not allow herself to think that Xu was the one employing her. Not if she wanted to change the world. She had to abandon her worldly fears and let her pure, unadulterated rage against the world's suffering carry her to justice and into the history books. Anger was a gift, was it not?

Howling a scream of rage, Rinoa rushed Xu. Xu's fist instinctively flew out and smacked Rinoa in the head with all strength. And then before Xu could think straight, Rinoa was lying unconscious on the floor and Xu was staring at her in horror.

Shit! She hadn't meant for that to happen. "Rinoa?" she called urgently. Oh please, oh please, let her be okay. Then it wouldn't matter that she had done something stupid. "Rinoa! Rinoa!" Hyne, she didn't want to cause any trouble, not like this.

"RINOA!" Squall tore through the room and knelt beside her. "Are you okay? Speak to me!"

Her eyes finally opened. "Fuck," she uttered her favorite word.

He began his desperate plea while she still was at her weakest. "Rinoa, you know you're my angel; you mean the world to me. Let me be your knight again so I can protect you from these horrible bad people!"

The palm of her hand thrust against his face and pushed it away. "I don't need anyone to protect me," she said. "Now get the hell away from me; I told you not to talk to me." To prove her point, she stood up and walked away - stumbling a little, but otherwise okay.

Rinoa chalked up a mental victory. She'd raised plenty of hell at this party - she knew the others would be thinking about her cause tonight. Hell, the looks of mute horror they were giving her right now were satisfying horror. As she walked out the door, she turned and thrust her middle finger at Xu and Quistis. "Don't expect any sympathy out of me," she declared. "When the revolution comes, corporate tools like you will be the first against the wall."

Selphie broke the silence. "Uh... love and peace?"

* * *

Anger never solved anything, but that didn't stop it from existing. And Quistis could not really help it from building in her as she cleaned up after the disastrous party. All alone in the house, of course. Again.

So they had a couple massive arguments, a fight, Rinoa getting stunned ... and what was the first response she got from Xu once everyone had left? Oh, she was terribly sorry about everything that happened, but she was still putting on her coat and "had go to back into work."

It was easy to accuse Mengshi of valuing work more than her. Yes, a casual observer might actually think that Mengshi truly enjoyed filling out forms more than spending time with her (supposed) girlfriend. But Quistis knew Mengshi's problems ran deeper than that. She knew that Mengshi wanted to spend all day with her, forget all obligations to the material world and revel in everything that love offered.

But Mengshi could never fulfill those dreams. She was too afraid. Too afraid to even do something as simple as asking the Kramers for a vacation. Not because she was afraid of rejection, but of the very opposite. If they said yes, if Mengshi actually stepped away from her job and recognized her limits... well, that would be showing a weakness. And Mengshi's fragile ego depended on trying to maintain an illusion of infallibility, of pretending to fit her round peg into the square hole of her job.

She wanted to be perfect. She wanted to feel like she was as "good as" the overachieving Quistis. Mengshi never talked about it, of course, but it was obvious. But, dammit, nobody actually expected her to be perfect! She was the only one who had set these ridiculous standards for herself. But she had gotten her self-worth so wrapped up in them that she would never admit she was wrong. And so things would go on as they always had. Mengshi would blame herself for everything, because in her mind everyone else, especially Quistis, was better. And if there were conflict between them, it must be Mengshi's fault for failing to live up to this imaginary barometer.

Sigh. If she had wanted someone who thought she was perfect, she'd be dating a Trepie. Hyne knew there were more than enough of them. But she didn't a fan club; she wanted a friend. And she knew that Mengshi could be that and so much more - and already was, at the times when everything was going well. She could see the personality that Mengshi often kept hidden away; it was the one she was in love with. But every time her life got rough, Mengshi forget all about that personality, threw away her self-worth, erased all the reasons to love her for who she was.

Well, too bad. Quistis could only take so much. And this was absurd. She had feelings too. She had as much right as Mengshi to feel trapped, to be angry and to have her own needs and to demand that her life not go unrecognized. So what if Mengshi was a good person at heart? If she was going to completely disregard her heart, all Quistis had to deal with was the robot Mengshi had turned herself into. And this was one shoopuf who had had a few too many straws stacked on its back.

Disgust welled up in her as she thought of all she had endured for Xu's sake. And what had that faith ever gotten her? Nothing. She turned off her vacuum cleaner and threw the handle down on the floor. Well, nothing to you too, Mengshi. You can clean up this mess yourself.

It was time for Xu to learn she could only push Quistis' endurance so far. Quistis was not a limitless well of understanding, sympathy, and support; she was a human being that had her own needs. Needs and feelings that she had been suppressing for too long. Well, maybe a metaphorical slap in the face would wake Mengshi up to how much she was already been given. And how little she was appreciating it, how poorly she was repaying it.

Quistis jotted off a quick note to explain her whereabouts, taped it to the door for Mengshi to find, and jumped into her car. Her foot channeled her anger into the gas pedal and with the hum of an engine, Quistis disappeared into the freedom of the night.

* * *

Selphie was surprised to find Zell not his room or in the training room, but in her own room. She didn't really mind, but it also seemed terribly off-putting; there was just no logical reason for him to be there. "Er, hi..."

"Hi."

"You left at the right time, I can assure you." She sat down on the corner of bed and exhaled deeply. She hadn't done anything physically tiring, but emotional exhaustion was just as draining as physical exercise. Probably moreso.

"Um... dare I ask what happened?"

Selphie shrugged. Better to not think (and care) too much about it, or she'd get upset again. "Everyone arguing with each other about Yuffie. Rinoa yelling at Quistis, mostly. And then Xu hit Rinoa, hard enough to knock her out."

"Yikes, is she going to be okay?"

"Oh, yeah, she walked away from it," Selphie said. "But ... you know Rinoa; she's going to be mad about that for a long time. And it's sure not going to help our cause, either."

"Yeah." He nodded his agreement. An ugly situation, indeed. So he sat down beside her and hugged her to his side. She smiled in appreciation. At least she was not completely alone in this yet. "But ... we can't throw towel in that quickly. It's not over until we give up."

"I know, but I can't help but feel like what happened tonight is my fault. I mean, I'm the one who recruited Rinoa into this. I guess I should have thought about Quistis and Xu too before I did; it's not fair to punish them, isn't it? 'Cause they're my friends ... but so is Yuffie, and..." She sighed. "I don't want fighting. I don't want to make the problem worse. I just want my friend back."

Hyne, she truly wanted to believe that there was an easy solution. But there seemed no way out of this mess that didn't require hurting someone who didn't deserve to hurt. Good times were going to be over for a long, long while. "It's all falling apart, Zell," she whispered, unconsciously avoiding making the subject any more oppressive by voicing it loudly. "First Yuffie gets sent away, and now Quistis and Xu and Rinoa and Squall and Seifer are all fighting each other..."

It was comforting to think that things would always turn out in the right; once, she had even had plenty of evidence to believe that. But now she had to confront the fact that it might not. Yuffie seemed so far away. Even peace between her friends still at Garden now seemed a fanciful impossibility. Who would the next victim be?

She sighed. "Am I the only one who isn't completely cynical and resigned to not getting along? It's so lonely being an optimist, and it shouldn't be that way! I mean ... I'm friends with them all. I can see good in them all, so obviously it must exist, and I just don't understand why they have such a hard time recognizing it in each other." She sighed, all too aware of her own futility. "There's so many times I want to grab them and scream in their faces, 'How can be you blind? How can you really think that some people are worthless because they like different music, or because they look different from you, or because they had some feud with you long ago in the past? It's so obvious that we're all good people; how can you possibly not recognize it?' But ... I know that wouldn't do anything." She chuckled, but her laugh was tinged with self-mocking. "I need a big red button that I can push to make everyone love each other."

And if everyone had loved each other, Trabia never would have happened. Yeah, it never took her long to start thinking of that again. But this time, she would attempt some resolution. "Zell, can I talk to you about something?"

"Of course."

She nodded towards the door the balcony. "Let's go out there." Her little balcony seemed more comforting; it was smaller than her room and wasn't packed with any uncomfortable reminders of her past. And fresh air. That was nice too, and right now she needed all the comforts she could get.

All too aware of all the clouds hanging over Selphie, Zell silently followed her out there. Hyne, he wished he could clap his hands and make all her problems vanish like that. He'd do anything in a flash to help her if he really could solve her problems. But, alas, all he could do was listen. Which was better than nothing, of course, but not as much as he wanted.

Selphie sighed and looked up at the sky. The universe was vast and infinite and yet none of it seemed to be able to help her. Still, staring at it all helped keep some hope alive for her. Something out there must be waiting to bestow upon her the deliverance she'd been waiting for.

"Reminds me of when Chu-Chu and Yuffie and I used to go out and look at stars..." Dangit, that thought alone was almost enough to make her cry. But her desire to let all her secrets out of her heart keep her speaking. "Zell, you remember Sun Hye, right?"

He nodded. "Of course." Selphie's best friend, the one who had wanted to start a band and gotten Selphie into music, who had been killed by Galbadia's attack against Trabia.

"I didn't ... really tell you enough, I think." She sighed. The memories were painful enough to think about. It was even worse having to concentrate on and analyze them enough to arrange them into a coherent order. "I don't know how or where to start, but she was always my best friend as long as I was at T-Garden. And ... I've certainly made a lot of good friends since then, but when you know someone that long and from such an early age, they have this way of really getting deep in your soul. Every time I play guitar or sing, there's a part of me that thinks of her. And I think we only got closer as we got older. I mean, Emma was really good friends with the both of us, but at the same time ... she was just a little bit different down in her soul."

He nodded. Perfectly understandable.

But Selphie's monologue had ended. She wasn't sure what to say because she didn't even know what she felt. Any words she used seemed to misrepresent her feelings in one way or another. "And ... I don't know. What am I supposed to say? That I miss her? That there's a huge gaping hole in my heart? It's just ... I don't know how to let go. Everything wonderful new thing that happens to me, I wish she could be sharing it. Every pit of misery I sink to, I wish she could be there to lift me out of it. And how can I stop wanting that? How can I stop wishing for her to be here? I suppose it's the fact that I'll never know that's killing me. I'll never know what she could have done in life, what she might be doing right now, how we could have supported each other, what we could have meant to each other." She sighed. "I suppose that's why they say life is what happens to you when you're making other plans, isn't it? But I can't help but wonder ... can't help but fear that I'm going to spend the rest of my life searching and never find what I'm really looking for. I mean ... when we thwarted Ultimecia and everything a few years ago, I told myself that everything was okay, that we had saved the world. And it would never bring Sun Hye back, never heal me completely, but at least we had gotten out of the darkness and were safe now. It would never happen again. But ... it did, Zell. It did and now Yuffie's gone too. It's the same thing all over again. Heck, Sun Hye and Yuffie are totally alike in quite a few ways; that's probably why Yuffie and I got to be friends so quickly..."

He wrapped his arm over her shoulders and pulled her closer. "Don't give up yet. Yuffie isn't dead. We'll find a way to get her back. We've barely even started."

"And then what?" she wailed. "We can't save the world. There's just going to be suffering that leads to more suffering. And I can't do anything about it. I'm trying, so hard, but I guess that'll never be good enough, is it?"

Zell hugged her some more. "You're trying very hard and you know that," he repeated. He knew from his experience that these messages needed repeating many times to get hammered into one's heart. "It's only been a few days and we still have a lot of chances to help Yuffie. Everyone banded together to fight Ultimecia before; I'm sure they'll find a way to make sure everything works out. Hang in there."

She sighed and smiled, trying to build up a resolution to go along. For all the despair she saw around her, she still knew she'd be far worse off if she didn't have him to prop her up. Yes, she certainly had some blessings in her life. But they were not enough to console her bleeding heart. "Zell?"

"Mmm?"

"Do you think it's possible to love too much?"

He didn't know what to say that. Obviously the answer should be "no," but how could he prove that? And he knew Selphie wouldn't ask a question like that unless she really wasn't sure of the answer. And if she was hurt that bad, what could he hope to do? If the eternal optimist no longer believed, how could he?

"I mean, if we didn't care about Yuffie enough to want to fight to bring her back to Garden, then none of this fighting would be happening, right? Maybe we'd be better off if we didn't care about each other so much."

"But then we'd just be machines."

"Sometimes I think we'd be a lot better off that way." She sighed. "It's not that I don't believe anymore. It's that I'm not sure I want to believe."

"Then you'd be just like Mikoto," he said. He knew no true answers to her problems, so the best he could do was offer whatever was in his head at the moment. "A talking head that does nothing but insult people and talk about Radiohead. You don't want to be Mikoto, do you?"

She chuckled. Okay, some things were still funny, that was good...

"But, I mean, seriously ... you can't claim all those glorious ups without exposing yourself to downs too. You know, nothing ventured, nothing gained. If we didn't care, if we were total robots, we'd never have any positive feelings either. I know that doesn't make all the bad stuff hurt any less, but ... I guess we do love for a reason, you know? I know this is a stupid analogy, but it's like how having a sense of taste and being able to appreciate good food also means we don't eat as healthily. And think about it. Pretty much everyone loves something. It's not really something we have much choice over. So even if we'd be better off with it, there's not much use in trying to fight it."

She sighed. "I know. Still, I feel like I feel like if stopped caring so much, I'd fit into this world better."

"But you don't really feel that way in your heart?" He prodded.

She chuckled somewhat self-mockingly. "Yeah, you know me better than that." Then she looked back to the stars and sighed. "For better or for worse, inside me there's still the girl who believes in love and happiness and faith and friends. And I still always try to smile, I always try to be the one to cheer others up, because I really do like to see them happy and I know just whining about my problems isn't going to change anything. But I'm scared. Scared that I'm damaged for life, scared that I'll do nothing but drag others down with me because I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to change the past." She knew she was close to crying and tried to spit out the next sentence before the tears started. "After having over ten years of my life and the greatest friend I've ever known vaporized before my eyes, I don't know if I'll ever feel whole again." But then all the defenses she had constructed reappeared to keep her going. "I guess I've gotten kind of resigned to it. Life isn't all that bad; it's tolerable until we all die."

"It doesn't have to be that way, you know that."

She shook her head. "I wanted to believe, I really did. But ... what evidence is there left of it? What is there left to suggest that I'll ever find a happy ending? And yet still..." Her eyes started to tear up; she took a deep breath and plunged on with her confession. "Still, Zell, still there's a little girl inside me that wants to be happy, I mean really happy, not just getting by, life is too precious and I don't want to waste it and I..." A deep sob finally won out over her words.

Zell held her until she had calmed down a little. "I don't know if I'll ever feel whole again," Selphie murmured. "I'm scared that I'm damaged for life, and I don't want to drag you down with me..."

"I know you don't," Zell said. "And I know I'll never totally understand, because something's been taken from you in a way it hasn't been taken from me. But... I can't stop caring. It's all I know how to do. You're the one I love..."

"Yeah, too bad all the people who care about me seem to end up dead or in prison," she grumbled. But that was enough bitterness. Sarcasm would change nothing. She sighed and tried to get her thoughts focused back on her real concerns. "You know, a lot of people talk about karma, but I can't believe in it. I can't believe that I get only what I give. Because all the love I give seems to end up in suffering and broken hearts. And I ... I guess when it was just Sun Hye, I could understand it as a horrible problem that's finally been solved. But it's than that. It's never going to end. And I'm not so sure this world will ever be safe to love in. What if you vanished tomorrow? What if I vanished tomorrow; what would you do? I don't know. I really don't."

And that was as far as mere words could carry her, so she stepped away from his arms and started to sing.

"Well, I'm glad I could help. You certainly do plenty for me." He fumbled for something else to say. "So, um, speaking of Irvine, do you want me to explain why he owes me four ears of corn?"

Next chapter: It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Tea Party