Golgorand Execution Site...
Two burly Temple Knights carried a struggling young man across the grassy field outside the execution site. They passed through the gate of the building and inside, where many prominent members of the Glabados Church were waiting. The traditional guillotine had been discarded, replaced with a sturdy pole and a bale of straw. The young man was to be burned at the stake.
"Orlan Durai, you are charged with the crimes of heresy and sedition," a fat balding man in a purple robe, seated on the wooden platform overlooking the execution site, said. "You will -" he abruptly stopped speaking when a cat materialized in front of him.
"Howdy, folks," Cait Sith said. "I'm Cait Sith. Want my autograph?"
High Priest Delbar froze for a moment as his brain tried to sort itself out. "Seize that thing!" he commanded.
A Temple Knight leapt for Cait Sith, who hopped nimbly aside and landed on the grass in the center of the grounds. The air shimmered briefly, then Sephiroth, Rufus, Cid, Vincent, and Barret appeared next to Cait Sith. "Rofel! Kletian! Get them!" Delbar yelled.
The two Temple Knights holding the executionee dropped him roughly on the ground. Rofel drew his sword and Kletian produced a staff from his cloak. Barret fired his arm cannon at Rofel, but the bullets ricocheted off an invisible barrier.
Rofel lunged at Sephiroth and was surprised to find his sword pass right through Seph's etheral body. "Missed me!" Sephiroth said tauntingly. Meanwhile, Kletian was preparing to cast a spell.
The air shimmered yet again and Cloud popped into the FF Tactics world. He sized up the situation quickly. "Kletian! Rofel! But... we killed you!"
"It's one of them!" Rofel shouted, waving his sword at Cloud. He dashed towards Cloud, his sword raised above his head. Cloud dodged to the side and prepared to use a Limit Break.
"Open the door to where power lives! Nanoflare!" Kletian shouted.
"Stop Galaxy!" the young man shouted back. Unnoticed in the commotion, he had been charging up an attack of his own.
The execution site started to spin around rapidly. The gang stumbled about, trying to maintain balance. "I'm... getting... dizzy," Rufus said, lost his balance, and fell onto the ground.
"Whee! This is fun!" Cait Sith chuckled.
The ground slowed down and eventually returned to normal. Cloud was still charging his Limit Break. Soon Rufus noticed that something had changed. The other people around them -- excluding the executionee -- had completely stopped moving.
"Hey, nice work, kid," Cid said. He lit a cigarette. "Always nice to have a cigarette in a brand spankin' new world like this."
Cloud continued to charge his Limit Break. He stared at the young man, tried to place him. "Oh, I remember you! You're Cid's adopted son, Olan."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Cid said.
"It's a different Cid," Cloud explained.
"@*&$%*($%! Another one of them? This one better not have a damn raincoat!"
"That's me," Olan said in response to Cloud's earlier comment. "Except I changed my name to avoid detection. I'm now Orlan."
"Wow, great disguise," Cait Sith said flippantly.
"You'll have to excuse Cait Sith," Vincent said to Olan/Orlan. "He's a bit lacking the self-restraint department."
"That's putting it mildly," Rufus sighed.
"Looks like we be showin' up at jes' the right time," Barret said. "Wha' were those guys doing to ya?"
"They were attempting to burn me at the stake," Olan chuckled. "Apparently they found my Durai Papers on the origins of the church a bit hard to stomach."
"Well, we managed to save you." Cloud stated the obvious once again. He was still charging his Limit Break.
"Yeah, but they seized the Germonik Scriptures," Olan said. "Those were the key to the whole thing, and now I've lost them. My dad's gonna bite me!"
Vincent silenty took a notepad out of his cloak, wrote Olan's name down, checked it, and then put it away again.
Off in the distance, a siren was sounding, but the group paid it no attention. "Where is your father, anyway?" Cloud asked.
"He's up in political exile in Romanda, with Ramza and the others. I'm going to have to get back up there and let him know what happened."
"What happened to the Zodiac Stones?"
The siren was growing louder. "The Zodiac Stones? I don't know. Ramza still has them, I think. He tried to destroy them, but nothing worked."
"That spell's not going to hold long," Olan said. "We'd better get out of here."
The group proceeded out of the still-frozen execution site, Cloud still charging his Limit Break. Olan paused briefly to take down a poster advertising the Glabados Church -- "The family that prays together, doesn't get executed."
The siren was now quite loud. Just as Cloud started out the door, five people in dark cloaks and hoods that concealed their faces rushed around the corner and blocked his path. "Excuse me, sir!" one of them shouted. "Could I talk to the fellow with the ponytail?"
Olan stepped up behind Cloud. "Yes?" he asked.
The cloaked man flashed an official-looking badge in his face. "You used a PaRappa reference a few minutes ago," he said. "Let's see your license for that."
"License?" Olan asked.
"No license?" the man said. "Hmmm... an unlicensed PaRappa refernce. That's a very serious offense."
"I recognize that voice!" Rufus said. He reached over and yanked the man's hood off his face.
Hart, Mayor Domino's assistant, stared guiltily at them. "Shoot," the man next to him said. "There goes our disguise." He threw back his own hood -- it was Domino himself. The others also removed their hoods, revealing them as Butch, Johnny, and Mukki.
The two groups looked at each other in uncomfortable silence. "Finishing Touch!" Cloud suddenly shouted as his Limit Break finished charging. He waved his sword in a circle, churning up a vast blue tornado. Domino's gang fled in all directions to escape it. The tornado chased them across the field and out of sight.
The execution site suddenly came alive again. Kletian and Rofel charged out side the wooden structure. Vincent shot Kletian in the arm with his pistol, causing him to stumble backwards.
More Temple Knights appeared behind Kletian and Rofel. "There's too many; we can't fight them!" Olan shouted as he dodged a Temple Knight's sword thrust.
The group backed up hesitantly, then broke and ran. "You idiots!" High Priest Delbar shouted. "How could you let them get away?"
Kletian and Rofel turned and looked at him. They considered the situation briefly, then Rofel ran Delbar through with his sword.
* * *
A few days later, Olan's party was passing through Goland Coal City, en route to Lesalia. Travel outside of the country was rare, and the trip would need clearance with King Delita. Olan wasn't sure what kind of help Delita would give them, but he was friends with Cloud, and certainly no friend of the church.
They stopped in Goland for the night, then continued onwards. The next day, another group of travellers arrived. It was Domino's band. Their first stop was the bar, where they inquired about Cloud and Olan's party. They had already left town, heading north for Lesalia.
"Damn, we missed them again," Johnny said.
"Animal, plant, or mineral?" Butch asked Mukki.
"Animal," Mukki said.
"Hey, guys look at this," Hart said. He was looking at a bulletin board on the wall labeled PROPOSITIONS. "There's a big reward posted if we capture the 'Phantom Thief Zero.'"
"So?" Johnny asked. "We don't have time for any fetch quests. We've got to catch up with Clod and his gang."
"Is it a reptile?"
"I think so."
"What do you think?" Hart asked Domino.
Domino looked in his wallet. "We could use a big reward right about now," he said. "Since no place here takes my travellers' checks."
"All right, let's go look for him then," Hart said.
Domino's group left the bar and proceeded to the slums of Goland, where Zero had been last spotted. The roads were frozen, and walking was difficult. "Is it slimy?" Butch asked.
"You bet it is," Mukki replied.
Some maraca music started playing. "Not that again," Johnny said. He opened up a trash can and pulled out a Moogle furiously shaking a pair of maracas. "Stop that," he told the Moogle. The Moogle sadly stopped shaking its maracas. "Now get out of here." He set the Moogle down and it waddled off down a side street.
Suddenly, a scream broke out. The group hurried -- or rather, slid -- down the street towards the dark alley where the scream had come from. A shadowy figure was standing over a body that was lying on the alley floor. "Stop right there!" Butch shouted.
The figure darted towards them. Domino and company backed out of the alley and into the street. The figure emerged from the alley. He was wearing a suit of metallic red-and-white armor that covered his entire body, except for his face. Long blonde hair hung out from behind his helmet. He looked almost robotic.
"You must be Zero," Mukki said.
"That's me," Zero said. He drew a green blade of energy. "Your money or your life!"
"Hmmm... tough call," Johnny said, striking a thoughtful pose.
While Zero waited impatiently, the guy he had been attacking in the alley hobbled out into the chilly street. It was Megaman. Megaman started charing up his arm cannon, then released a blast of plasma at Zero. Zero's body exploded, revealing a balding man in a lab coat inside. The helmet rolled across the ground, and the gem inset in it rolled out.
"Dr. Wily!" Megaman said. "Again! Man, you really had me fooled this time! I never would have guessed you were the bad guy."
"Oh, please, I'm very sorry," Wily said. "It'll never happen again. Won't you forgive me."
"No," Megaman said. "Now beat it."
Wily scrambled off. Megaman turned into a blue streak of light and teleported away. Butch slowly walked over to the gem and picked it up -- it was a piece of Materia. He jumped up into the air and hung there for a moment. "You got Knights of the Round." Butch took a practice shot with the Materia, and the Knights of the Round appeared and knocked down a nearby building.
Butch then turned to Mukki. "Is it poisonous?"
"Yup."
Johnny stared at the broken pieces of Wily's Zero outfit and scratched his head. "That was really weird."
"At least it wasn't a PaRappa reference."
* * *
Olan, Cloud, and the others strolled through the Lesalia Castle courtyard, awaiting their audience with King Delita. A brown-cloaked man walked out into the courtyard. He was wearing blue armor underneath the cloak and a white beard. Seeing Olan, he rushed over to him and gave him a big slap on the back. "Olan! You're safe!"
Olan turned. "Father! What are you doing here? I thought you were up in Romanda."
"I heard about the Church getting on your tail and I came down to rescue you," Orlandu said. "Looks like you managed to escape on your own."
"Thanks to these guys, yeah," Olan said, with a nod in Cloud's direction.
"Oh, Cloud," Orlandu said. "I didn't see you." He shook Cloud's hands. "Thanks for saving Olan."
Cloud indicated the other members of the group with a sweep of his hand. "Cid, these are my friends. And my enemies too."
"It was all Rufus's fault," Sephiroth said defensively.
"You the #$*%&$%in' Cid here?" Cid -- the other one -- said. "What's up with all these #*$% Cids? That cloak looks suspiciously like a raincoat, you know."
"Careful." Cloud put a cautionining hand on Cid's arm. "You don't want to pick a fight with him."
Rufus checked his watch. "It's about time for our audience. We'd better get moving."
"We don't need the audience anymore," Olan said. "We were trying to get up to Romanda to see Father, remember?"
"Actually, you'd better go anyway," Orlandu said. "Delita probably wouldn't be too thrilled if you didn't show up. You're supposed to give 24 hours notice if an appointment cannot be kept."
* * *
Cloud, Olan, Barret, Sephiroth, Rufus, Cid, Cait Sith, Vincent, and Orlandu walked into the throne room of Lesalia Castle. Delita sat on a jewel-embossed gold throne at the end of a long red carpet. A group of trumpeters sounded a fanfare, then proceeded to play Yankee Doodle.
"Cut that out," Delita said. The trumpeters fell silent.
Cloud, Olan, and the others fell to their knees -- except for Cait Sith, who remainded standing and was picking his nose. "Kneel!" Rufus hissed, pressing C.S. down to his knees.
"Well, well, well, Cidolfas Orlandu," Delita said. "This is a surprise. I thought you perished at Bethla Garrison."
"Reports of my demise were greatly exaggerated," Orlandu said calmly. "I won't mention any names."
Suddenly, the doors to the throne room were flung open and Domino's group charged in, wearing gas masks and carrying Mako guns. Behind them were two other people, also wearing gas masks. They fanned out into the throne room, pointing their Mako guns straight ahead. "Everybody down on the floor!" Mukki bellowed.
Delita looked at them in surprise. "Guards!" he shouted.
The throne room guards drew their swords. "Hey, what's going on here?" Hart said. "How come there's still people in here? You put the dead ferret in the ventilation duct, didn't you?"
"Of course I did," Domino said. "What went wrong?" He stared at the approaching guards and did a double-take. Then he started swearing.
The guards did not have noses. Neither did Delita.
"Why didn't you tell us anything about this?" Johnny yelled at the unknown people in the back. "You shouldn't have known they have no sense of smell!"
The guy took off his gas mask. It was Ramza. "I still don't know what this 'smell' thing you're talking about is," he said.
"We had it all planned out!" Johnny shouted.
The other of the two unknowns took off her gas mask as well. It was Alma. "Er... mistakes were made?" she said meekly.
"Ramza!" Delita shouted, seeing his face in the back of Domino's group.
"Never mind; we've still got this," Butch shouted, running forward. He held up the Knights of the Round Materia. There was a humming sound. A beam of yellow light surrounded the throne room, then they were out in space.
"@$#%^&!" Cid swore. "Knights of the Round!"
"Get back," Orlandu said. "I'll take care of this."
The others backed fearfully away. Orlandu stepped forward. "He's completely insane!" Barret said.
Cloud held up a hand. "Just watch."
As the first Knight appeared, Orlandu stepped forward with Excalibur ready to strike. "You!" the Knight shouted. "You're the one who stole Excalibur! DIE!" Before the Knight could attack, however, Orlandu lunged in and struck with the Night Sword technique, sapping the Knight's life energy. He vanished.
The next Knight came. Orlandu blasted him with a Holy Explosion, sending him spinning away into space. The Knight became confused and attacked the third Knight, giving Orlandu a chance to adjust the hood of his cloak. The fourth Knight came at Orlandu from behind, but Orlandu turned quickly and hit him with a Shellbust Stab. The Knight's armor crumbled into pieces, leaving him hovering in space holding a huge mace but wearing nothing but a helmet and Larry the Pus-Filled Boil boxer shorts. Embarassed, he flew away.
And so it continued. Each Knight of the Round tried valiantly to attack Orlandu, but Thunder God Cid defeated each one in turn. Eventually, all thirteen were driven away, and a sad chapter in the history of Camelot came to a close.
The room faded back to normal. Rufus's party was staring at Orlandu in awe (with the except of Cloud, who never displayed any emotion whatsoever).
Delita rose from his throne. "Why are you doing this?" he demanded of Ramza.
"You know I haven't forgiven you for killing Ovelia," Ramza declared.
"I already told you, I didn't kill Ovelia!" Delita said. "I was playing golf at the time, and, besides, the glove didn't fit. If you had any common sense, you'd join me in my search for the real killers."
Ramza snorted. "The real killers. Yeah, right. The real killer is standing right here in the room, and it sure ain't me."
"It's Rufus!" Cait Sith, pointing at the former Shinra president.
Delita started across the room, brushing aside Cloud and Orlandu. "If I did kill Ovelia, it was only for love," he said. "Besides, there is no controlling legal authority."
"Oh yeah?" Ramza countered. "I'm going to appoint an independent prosecutor, and just you try and stop me!"
"Don't blame me. Blame yourself or God."
The oncoming confrontation was averted when the emergency exit of the throne room opened. Kletian and Rofel entered, their weapons drawn. "There he is!" Kletian said, pointing at Olan. "Heretic!"
Delita turned towards Kletian and Rofel. "What has he done?" he asked, indicating Olan with a wave of his sword.
"He is a heretic!" Kletian said. "He has flagrantly violated church doctrine. He's gotta believe!" In the blink of an eye, Kletian was suddenly shot dead by Hart.
"Huh? What happened?" Rofel said, staring down at his partner.
"Anybody ELSE want to say it?" Hart demanded.
Vincent had his notepad out. "Should I bother putting him down?" he asked Cid. "Given that he was just killed?"
Cid shrugged. "I wouldn't."
Kletian's body shuddered, then he climbed back to his knees. He reached into his cloak and produced a glowing orange stone. "Let's see how you can handle this."
"Okay, guess I will," Vincent said, writing down Kletian's name and putting a check by it.
"Huh? A Zodiac Stone?" Ramza said, staring at it.
An orange vortex opened around Kletian. Lightning spewed out from it, and fireballs swirled around him. "Ooooh, nifty special effects," Cait Sith said.
When it was over, a huge minotaur stood in Kletian's place, armed with a spike-studded club. "Wedgerius! Vicksete!" Lucavi-Kletian commanded. Two beams of light struck the ground and formed into a pair of Ultima Demons.
Orlandu and Ramza rushed forward. Ramza Drew Out the Chirijiraden at one demon, and Orlandu Lightning Stabbed the other. Both demons exploded in a messy shower of demon parts.
"Oh my God, they killed Wedge and Vicks!" Kletian shouted.
"You bastards!" Rofel said.
"Is it some kind of snake?" Butch asked.
"No."
Barret nudged Cloud with his elbow. "Who are those guys?"
"They're from the Glabados Church," Cloud replied.
"The Church be doin' this?" Barret yelled. "Wha' the dilla yo? They're almost as bad as those damn Shinra!"
"I think they should make a talking Barret doll," Cait Sith said. "You pull a string in its back and it says 'Those damn Shinra!' or 'Shut yer hole, foo'!' or 'What about Marlene?'."
"Shut yer hole, foo'!" Barret snapped. Cait Sith collapsed in gleeful laughter on the floor.
Lucavi-Kletian swung its club at Ramza. There was a whistling sound from above. A comet smashed through the roof of the throne room, breaking a gaping hole, sending out trails of flame. It exploded near Ramza. Ramza was wounded by the blast and fell to his knees.
A huge humanoid robot jumped down through the newly-made sunroof. Its cockpit opened and the young pony-tailed pilot peered out. "Did I just hear you guys were from a church?" he asked Kletian.
"Er... that would be correct," Kletian said, caught off guard.
"Then DIE!" the pilot yelled. He slammed his cockpit back closed. The robot raised its arms and fired two huge laser beams at Lucavi-Kletian. The beams burned a large hole through the minotaur's chest. Rofel dived back into the emergency exit passage just in time to escape the attack.
The robot jumped back out of the throne room, leaving Kletian to explode in another calvacade of special effects. When it was over, all that was left was the Taurus Stone. It bounced a couple on the floor and twinkled softly.
"Hey, that's one of the Zodiac Stone," Cloud said. He reached for the stone, but Ramza had gotten there first and grabbed it.
"I don't know what you want it for, but I won't let you have it," Ramza said. "It's a power not to be abused." Then, aided by his sister, he hobbled towards the door. "Someday, Delita, the truth will be told, and the real heroes will be known."
"He took all the credit from you?" Domino said, outraged. "He's just as bad as AVALANCHE!"
"I taught him everything he knows," Cloud said proudly.
Ramza whirled on Cloud. "So that's what you were doing here! I should have known better than to trust you!" With that he, he turned and limped out of the throne room.
"Is it a frog?"
"Nope."
"I give up," Butch said. "It's a poisonous, slimy, reptile, but it's not a snake or a frog. What is it?"
"Yuffie."
Domino and Hart had already left with Ramza. The rest of his group followed them out, slamming the doors behind them. The throne room was silent. Rufus looked at Cloud. "Since you're the only one who doesn't seem to be totally confused, could you possibly tell us what the hell is going on?"
* * *
Cloud, with some aid from Rufus, concluded his tale an hour later in Delita's personal chambers. "And that's basically the whole story. The question is, where are the Zodiac Stones? And how did the church gets it hand on another one again?"
"No, the question is who the real killers are," Delita said. They all turned to look at him. "You believe me, don't you, Cloud?"
Cloud shrugged.
Rufus had a thoughtful look on his face. "If we can prove your innocence, will you help us look for the Zodiac Stones?"
"And how do you propose to do that?" Delita asked cautiously.
"DNA testing."
"Come again?"
"It's a spiffy futuristic thing," Cait Sith explained. "Just leave it to us."
"All right," Delita said. He got up and walked slowly out of the room.
When he was gone, Vincent turned to Rufus. "So, do you really know anything about DNA testing?"
"No," Rufus admitted. "But I bet we can slap something together."
* * *
"Just how much more of my blood do you need?" Delita asked as Cait Sith approached him yet again with a needle.
"Okay, okay, so we goofed a little," C.S. shrugged. "So sue us."
"Would this have anything to do with that burning smell in here?"
"As I said, we goofed a little."
"Oh, all right," Delita said, holding out his left arm. Cait Sith put the needle in around Delita's elbow and pushed the needle's top down, sucking in some of Delita's blood. He stood perched on the arm of the throne for a while, then rubbed his nose with his free hand. "Do you remember long I'm supposed to leave this in?"
"Me? How am I supposed to know. You're the alleged expert."
"Hey, Vincent!" Cait Sith shouted. "How long do I leave the needle in?"
"I dunno," Vincent shouted back from a nearby room. "Like just for a while."
"Thirty seconds? A minute? Ten minutes?"
"How long have you had it in so far?" Vincent shouted out.
"I haven't been keeping track," Cait Sith shouted his reply.
"Just 'till the needle fills up, then, I guess."
"All the way up?"
"I demand you stop this right now!" Delita said.
"He's telling me to stop, do I?" Cait Sith yelled.
"Yeah, sure," Vincent shouted. "Go ahead."
Cait Sith yanked the needle out. "Sorry about that," he apologized. There was no reply. "Uh, Vincent, I think Delita's passed out. Is that a problem?"
"Nah, he'll wake up eventually," Vincent said.
Cait Sith nodded and hopped off to the makeshift lab, leaving Delita out cold on the throne. "Okay, we'd better get it right this time," he said. "Delita's passed out, so it might be kinda hard to get more."
"Why don't we just make up a bunch o' stuff and say he passed the test?" Barret suggested. "Nobody here don't know jack squat 'bout DNA testin' anyway."
"Yeah, we're the sun gods," Cait Sith said. "We came out of the sky in our magic ship and we have the magic firesticks."
"Oh, that's a smart idea," Orlandu said. "Let's just mosey down to the Glabados Church and tell them you're the sun gods. They'd string us upside down from the steeple and use us as pinatas."
"Maybe we could get that guy in the big robot to come back," C.S. said hopefully.
There was a knock on the door. "Hope that's not Delita," Vincent muttered as Cid went to get it. It was a chimpanzee wearing a space suit.
"Looks you guys could use some help again," Pongo La Ropa said.
"You!" Rufus shouted. "You're the one who took that furball with us!"
"I find your comments highly offensive," Cait Sith said primly. "Please refrain from disrupting my learning environment."
"We'll take care of all the DNA testing," Pongo volunteered. He led a group of Space Chimps into the room, and they started setting up some complicated-looking equipment. "Remember, folks, if you can't write your way out of a situation.... use the Space Chimps!"
* * *
"And these are our results," Pongo La Ropa said, handing a sheaf of paper to Delita. "The DNA of the blood found on the knife that was used to kill Ovelia is in no way to similar to yours or Ovelia's. It would indicate that Ovelia was killed by a one-armed man. Do you want me to go into the details?"
"No, that's quite all right," Delita said. "Thank you." He then turned to Cloud's group, who was awaiting his reaction anxiously. "And thank you."
"So, uh, will you help us find the Zodiac Stones?" Olan said.
"The last I heard of them, Ramza gave them to Worker 8 for safekeeping," Orlandu said. "Since Worker 8 doesn't have any emotions, he wouln't try to misuse them."
"Seems like a good idea," Cloud said. "What went wrong?"
"I don't know," Orlandu said. "But Worker 8 is still in Romanda. We should probably be headed up there."
"Will you let us go?" Olan asked Delita. "To Romanda, I mean?"
Delita got up from his throne and paced the floor. "Very well," he said. "I'll arrange to have a ship pick us up."
"'Us?'" Cid repeated.
"I have a hunch that the real killers may be involved in this," Delita said. "And I will not rest until I bring them to justice."
| Next chapter: Unnaturally Born Killers |