The Protowing landed in the world of Chrono Trigger, circa 1000 A.D. Rudy parked the vehicle near a large fairground. "Uh... no offense or anything, but how we going to get to 12,000 B.C.?" he asked Emiko as they disembarked. The ever-expanding group now included Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, Hanpan, Jane, Emiko, Pesmerga, Rufus, Cait Sith, Red XIII, Cid VII, Mog, Sabin, Kefka, Wedge, Vicks, and Aerith.
"There's a time machine in this world," Emiko said. "We need to obtain it."
"I have to go to the bathroom," Jack complained.
"Oh, knock it off," Jane said. "Nobody ever has to go to the bathroom in video games."
"Something's wrong at the Fair," Wedge said suddenly. "Some Reptites just came out of the Telepod."
"What are Reptites?" Aerith asked.
"It sounds like a skin disease, kupo," Mog said.
"They're half human, half reptile," Hanpan said sagely. "They shouldn't be in this time period. Let's go check it out."
The party, led by Wedge and Vicks, crested the hill and hurried towards the Millenial Fair. "Our other selves are trying to hold them off in the center of the fair," Vicks said. "I'm not sure how long we can stop them, though."
They pushed through the gate to the fairgrounds. "This reminds of the Ruin Festival," Cecilia observed. "But this is so much bigger."
"@#@#!" Cid swore. "Don't you @#@! Wild Arms people have any @^$#$in' original ideas?"
The Chrono Trigger versions of Wedge and Vicks -- taller, and in purple uniforms -- rushed down from the upper level of the fair, with a horde of green Reptites chasing after them. "It's no good," both Wedges said. "We can't stop them."
Another human was standing on the bell, behind the Reptites, looking just like the Chrono Trigger Vicks and Wedge. "Piette!" Vickses said. "We should never have trusted him!"
"Mwah ha ha!" Piette gloated, holding up a silver key. "I swiped the Gate Key and let all the Reptites in from 65 million B.C. Agent Karsten will reward me handsomely!"
"Karsten again," Sabin muttered.
"I REALLY have to go the bathroom," Jack said.
"There's some Port-a-Potties over there," Pesmerga said helpfully, pointing to a row of six blue Port-a-Potties near Norstein Bekkler's place.
Jack ran towards them. Hanpan jumped off his shoulder and flew back to join the rest of the group. "Hey, I've got an idea," Hanpan said, hovering in front of Rudy. "Let's go hide in those other Port-a-Potties."
CT-Wedge and CT-Vicks stood their ground against the Reptites while the rest of the party ran for the Port-a-Potties. CT-Wedge cast Luminaire on the oncoming Reptites. A number of them were incinerated by the blazing dome, but the remaining Reptites trampled over CT-Wedge and CT-Vicks.
"We seem to have died again," FF6-Wedge observed.
"And just when I thought Chrono Trigger was a nice, safe, happy, place," Vicks muttered.
The party reached the Port-a-Potties and crowded inside them, slamming the doors shut. "Hey, watch the hair, kupo," Mog said.
There was a pause as they listened to the sounds on the Reptites wrecking havoc on the fair outside. "They'll go away eventually," Red XIII said. "Then we can leave."
"You mean we don't get to kill any of them?" Kefka asked.
In another Port-a-Potty, Cid was cramped up against the back wall by Pesmerga and Cait Sith. "Tight places give me the willies," he complained. "I think I'll have a smoke."
"No!" Pesmerga shouted as Cid reached for his lighter. "WAIT! Don't -!"
But it was too late. Cid flicked on the lighter. There was the brief, ominous, pause, that always occurs before chaos strikes, then the row of Port-a-Potties exploded brilliantly in a huge column of flame. The explosion blew wood and plastic twenty feet into the air, spewing it all over the fairgrounds, or what used to be the fairgrounds. The explosion had carved out a thirty-foot deep crater in the ground, all filled with blazing rubble.
Hanpan crawled out of the roll of toilet paper he had been hiding in. "I think I've sustained a debilitating head injury," he said.
Rufus's head poked out of a mound of styrofoam peanuts. He spit out a wad of peanuts, smoothed his hair, and looked around. "This is your fault, isn't it?" he snapped at Cait Sith, who had already emerged from the wreckage.
"No, it was Joe Camel over there," C.S. said, looking at Cid, who was puffing on his cigarette.
A mound of Spam rippled and Kefka crawled up through it. "Fire!! Fire!! That was cool!" he laughed. "Maybe you guys aren't so bad after all."
Three figures appeared at the top of the crater and descended its rim to the disarrayed party. It was Crono, Marle, and Lucca. "That was an interesting way of dealing with the situation," Lucca said. "I think it violates some sort of county ordinance, though."
"Hi, who are you?" Cecilia asked.
"I'm Lucca, and these are Marle and Crono," Lucca said, nodding to her companions.
"Hi," Marle said. Crono said nothing.
"Doesn't he talk?" Rudy blurted, pointing at Crono.
"No," Marle admitted.
"You should talk," Hanpan said to Rudy. "Did you ever say anything yourself?"
"I said something once... I know I did. Oh yeah, that's right! In the Volcannon Trap!"
A large red robot on a single wheel rolled up behind Crono, Marle, and Lucca. "Oh... Gato," Lucca said.
A circular panel on Gato's chest opened and a small metal platform with a microphone on it slid out. Gato took the microphone and began to sing in a metallic-sounding voice. "I've seen a flood and a supernova... but there's nothing else quite like Jenova..."
Rufus shrieked and burrowed back into the mound of rubble. "Hey, who put that song on?" Lucca wondered aloud. "That's not supposed to be there." She removed a screwdriver from under her green hat and unscrewed a square panel on Gato's back. She pushed a few buttons attached to the small monitor inside Gato.
"Karsten...?" she read. "Who's Karsten?"
"Agent Karsten," Aerith repeated. "Karsten's working for Angol Fred, the King of False Rumors. He's stolen the Guardian Amulet and we're trying to get it back from him."
"Angol Fred," Marle said aloud. "Angol Fred. I know I've heard that name somewhere before."
"He just said it, that's where," Cait Sith said.
"SHUT UP, Cait," Rufus repeated, having reemerged from the rubble.
There was a puff of white smoke and a furry white Kilwala appeared in the middle of the group. "Howdy, folks!" he announced. "I'm Spekkio, the Master of War!"
"Spekkio? What are you doing here?" Marle asked.
Crono still didn't say anything.
"I'm after some Angel Fred guy or somethin'," Spekkio muttered.
"You mean ANGOL Fred?" Jane asked.
"Yeah, whatever. He rushed into the Ends of Time and punched out Gaspar. Right in the middle of our Monopoly game, too. I even had two hotels on the Boardwalk and everythin'. Anyway, so Angus Fred -"
"Angol," Jane corrected.
"Right. Angol Fred. I tried to stop him with a little bit of my Spekkio magic -- you know, ipso factso, mipso dipso, that sort of thing -- but he took out a gun and shot out the bulb in the lamppost. Do you know how much those infinitely burning light bulbs cost to buy? Not to mention all the budget cuts we've been getting. I tell ya, those time-space continuum regulatory folks have less common sense put together than I have in my kneecap. Not that I have a kneecap, of course. Uh, where was I?"
"You were talking about Angol Fred," Red XIII prompted.
"Oh. Right. Anyway, so this Wrangle Fred -"
"It's Angol Fred," Jane interrupted.
"Yeah. So Angol Fred pushes by me and heads for the time gate to 12,000 B.C. Then he suddenly stops and asks me where Schala is. Of course I don't tell him because he just punched out Gaspar, tipped over our Monopoly game -- I was the dog, you know --, and shot out the lightbulb in the lamppost. So yells at me and then goes through the gate anyway. I came here to get some help. Uh, who are you people anyway?"
Rudy introduced them. "Spiffy," Spekkio said when they had finished. "So you're after this Airball Fred, too?"
"Angol," Jane said automatically.
"Sure. Angol Fred. So why don't we go look for this guy together?"
"The party expands yet again," Hanpan noted drily.
"I think we've got some cleaning up to do here," Marle said, looking around the rubble. "But you can take the Epoch."
* * *
After many trips back and forth in the Epoch, hauling three people at a time, the party finally assembled in the Commons in 12,000 B.C.
"So where IS Schala?" Rudy asked Spekkio.
"The last I checked, she's in the Undersea Palace," Spekkio said, pacing back and forth. "But that's way under the water."
"We do have that Underwater Breath Materia still," Rufus said.
"No good," Spekkio mused. "We won't be able to get down to the ocean floor without a submarine. Currents 'n all, y'know." The Kilwala continued to space. "I've got it! The Red Rock!"
"The what?" Aerith asked.
"The Red Rock," Spekkio said. "With the Red Rock, we can raise the Undersea Palace right out of the water. Ha! Mongol Fred won't be expecting to that!"
"Listen... to... me..." Jane said slowly, enunciating each word. "The... name... is... Angol... Fred... thank... you... very... much..."
"The only problem is finding the rock," Spekkio said. "It's somewhere in this time period. Can't remember for the life of me..."
"I want to kill something," Kefka said. "When do I get to kill something?"
"Why don't you take your anger out on a CAT or something," Rufus said suggestively.
"Hey, that's a good idea," Kefka said. Ignoring Cait Sith, he shot a blast of flame at a purple cat passing by. The cat jumped out of the way of the spell and hid behind a rock.
"Uh... that's not -" Rufus what started to say.
"That's it!" Spekkio exclaimed. "I need to get a little lightbulb to appear over my head," he muttered to himself. "Young Janus had the Red Rock! And that's his cat Alfador. Okay, here's my plan. You there, the red fellow."
"You mean me?" Red XIII asked.
"Yeah, you," Spekkio said. "Scare that cat."
Red XIII gave the Kilwala a questioning look, but padded silently towards the shaken cat. Red XIII crept up to the rock Alfador was still hiding behind, then suddenly jumped over it, snarling. Alfador darted up a nearby tree.
"Hey, thanks for getting rid of that cat, Mister," an Earthbound kid said, running up to Pesmerga. "Here, you can have this. I found it on the ground after Zeal blew up." The kid handed a jagged purple sword -- the Stingray Sword -- to Pesmerga.
Suddenly, a blue portal opened across the Commons and Janus stepped out. "Hey, you," he shouted at Red XIII. "Leave my cat alone!"
"Uh-oh," Cait Sith said. "Time for a fight. This is where I hit the road." The cat hopped out of the Commons on his moogle.
Pesmerga raised his new Stingray Sword. "Hey, you can't fight him," Vicks protested. "He's just some kid."
"Just some kid?" Janus said angrily. "For that, I'll give you a taste of my Moonlight Magic. Solar Inferno!"
A huge purple rift opened in the sky and flames began to pour out. Cecilia and Emiko together sent a ball of lightning spinning up into the rift. The lighting melded with the opening in the sky and sealed it.
Janus turned and fled from the party, racing out of the Commons in the same direction as Cait Sith. Janus collided with the large moogle. Cait Sith stared down at him. "Oh no!" he shouted to his moogle. "A fight! What are we gonna do?"
The stuffed moogle did not reply.
Janus kicked the moogle in its stomach. It doubled over, dropping Cait Sith headfirst out onto the snow behind Janus. The cat rolled to his feet. "Uh... Slot!" he shouted. A slot machine dropped out of the sky and landed next to Cait. The wheels started spinning.
Cait Sith and Janus both anxiously watched the slot machine. The first wheel stopped on a face. So did the second wheel. C.S. grinned and clenched his fists in anticipation.
The third wheel stopped on a bar.
"No!" Cait shouted. "Not Death Joker!"
Then Cid was there, holding out a magnet. The last wheel of the slot machine slowly turned and grinded to a halt on another face.
"Hey! Three faces! How often do you see that happen?" Cait Sith exclaimed excitedly.
"Not @#$in' frequently enough," Cid said. "Sorry, Cait, but you're only slightly less incompetent than Edward the Bard."
"Okay, okay, you win," Janus grumbled, sitting in the snow with his head down. "What do you want?"
"Do you have that Red Rock you used to have?" Spekkio asked, wandering up.
"Yeah, but you can't have it," Janus said.
"We're not asking you," Rufus said. "You ARE giving us the rock."
"Why should I give it to you?" Janus asked. "All you did was chase my cat around, call me a stupid kid, and cheat on a slot machine."
"Kid, don't make me do something I might later regret," Cid said through clenched teeth.
Jack approached Janus and Hanpan dropped from Jack's shoulder to the snow. "Hi, I'm Hanpan, the magic rat," Hanpan said, winking at Jack. "Would you like to see a magic trick? For the trick, I'm going to need a large rock. Do you happen to have one?"
"Hey, Mister, is this your pet?" Janus asked Jack. "Can I touch him?"
The forest fell deathly quiet. "What?" Janus asked, confused.
"You said the magic word," Jane explained.
Hanpan drew himself up to a full fourteen inches. "I'M NOT A PET!!!" he roared in Janus's face.
Janus burst into tears and fled from sight. "Now you've done it, Hanpan," Sabin said. "We'll never get that rock back now."
"Get over here," Jack snapped, using his Vacuum Fast Draw. Janus was sucked back into view and hurtled towards Jack about a foot off the ground, snapping branches off trees. He landed on his back at Jack's feet.
"All right, all right, take the rock," Janus sobbed. He reached into his tunic and dropped a small piece of Dreamstone on the ground. Then he fled.
"Hey! Kid! Wanna join the Pen 15 club?" Hanpan shouted after him. "Special free admittance for people who call me a pet!"
"Leave him alone, Hanpan," Jack said. "He didn't know."
Hanpan snorted, folded his arms, and retreated with disgust back into Jack's coat. "I wonder if that was the proper way to do things," Spekkio said aloud.
"The ends justify the means," Kefka said. "I kind of enjoyed it."
"You would," Rufus said.
Spekkio took the Red Rock and walked to the shore. "Ispo mipso, facto macto, MAGICO!" he shouted. There was a flash of bright red light. The entire ground began to shake and huge waves pummeled the shore. Far on the horizon, the Undersea Palace / Black Omen began to rise from the depths of the sea.
* * *
Rudy and Jack took the lead as the group explored the (formerly) Undersea Palace. Spekkio trotted along at their feet, giving directions. "Okay, we take a right here," he instructed.
The group turned through a door to another blue marble bridge over a pool of white liquid. "This place looks familiar," Cecilia said, examining with fascination her surroundings. "It almost looks like... Ka Dingel."
"When was the last time you losers had an original thought?" Kefka asked.
"Monsters!" Rudy cautioned. Several Flyclops hovered just beyond the door to the next room. He and Jack darted through the door to a wide room divided in the center by a blue marble pillar.
Rudy ran around the left side of the pillar, blasting at the Flyclops with the Prism Ray. Jack took the right side. A Flyclops swooped down towards him. Hanpan jumped from Jack's shoulder, landed on top of the Flyclops, and reached into its pocket.
"Uh-o -" Hanpan began. Small white symbols began to spew out of the Flyclops's pocket and landed all over the floor. They seemed to be mostly white wavy lines and what looked like a knight's helmet. "Glitch!"
Jack soon found himself buried under a coat of the symbols. "Hey, I got something!" Hanpan exclaimed, pulling a black sword out of the pocket. "This must be the WoLfLobe Sword! Looks like Angol Fred's been up to his usual tricks." Hanpan tossed the sword to Jack, who used it and the Gamma Sword to cut down the remaining Flyclops.
"What's all that noise out there?" a voice asked. The door opened and a mostly-bald head poked out. "Yikes! It's them!" The door slammed shut again. From behind it, there were sounds of breaking glass and metallic clanking.
"Hey, was that Palmer?" Rufus asked, racing past Rudy and Jack and holding his shotgun ready to fire. He threw open the doors and pointed the gun into the room beyond.
Palmer was gone. In the middle of the room sat what looked like a dentist's chair. A wide variety of tubes were connected to the chair and ran into the wall and out of the room. Some of the tubes ended with nasty-looking syringes. Strapped into the chair was none other than Schala.
Vicks ran to her and checked her pulse. "Alive," he reported. "Alive, but unconscious."
"This all seems vaguely familiar," Aerith said dreamily. "I know there's something I should be remembering..."
"Oooh! Look! A Vote Palmer phone card!" Cait Sith said eagerly. He grabbed a small plastic card off the floor. "I always wanted one of these!"
Red XIII looked at another card underneath the phone card. "It's Palmer's business card," he noted. "It's even got his phone number and everything."
"This could be useful," Rufus said, picking it up.
"Leave this to me," Cait Sith, grabbing the phone card and running out of the room. He quickly located a phone booth, ducked in, and, using the Vote Palmer phone card, dialed the number of Palmer's business card. "Gosh, these transdimensional phone lines are really something," he said aloud as he waited for a response.
"Hello? Palmer speaking, may I help you?" Palmer answered the phone on the third ring.
"Hi, I'm from Chocobo Bell, your local telephone company," Cait Sith said. "We're doing some work on the phone lines. Please do not answer the phone within the next half-hour or the person on the other end will be electrocuted. Thank you for your cooperation." He then hung up before Palmer could reply.
"Now we wait," Cait Sith told the others.
There was a pause. "While we're waiting, let's see what else is around here," Sabin said. He opened one of three doors leading out of the room and peered inside.
It was a bathroom. Sabin shut the door and opened the one next to it. He found himself staring at the face of a Chocobo. "Wark!" the Chocobo said.
"Chocobo stable," Sabin explained, slamming the door. A faint "wark!" was heard through the door.
"And behind door number 3...." Spekkio said dramatically, flinging open the third door. He looked inside. "The Mammon Machine!" he exclaimed.
"The what?" Aerith asked as they all crowded around inside the doorway.
"I've seen this before," Jane said, staring at the huge machine. "I think it was on some Discovery Channel special. But wasn't it destroyed?"
"It must be Angol Fred's work," Emiko said. "We'll have to destroy it."
"Not so fast," Spekkio said. "We'd need the Masamune to do that. Best leave it alone."
A faint voice was heard. "I've seen a flood and a supernova.... but there's nothing else quite like Jenova.... I've travelled the world from end to end..."
The group -- except for Rufus, who had passed out on the floor -- turned. Sephiroth was walking up through the halls of the Undersea Palace towards them. "..and Jenova World's the Seph-iest place in the land. Looks like you could use my help," he said, tossing and catching the Masamune.
"Sold," Cait Sith said.
"What?" Sephiroth asked.
"Junon," he explained. "It's yours."
"Great," Seph said nonchalantly. "All right, then." Sephiroth raised the Masamune over his head with one hand, then hurled it at the Mammon Machine. The blade slit into the top of the machine. A pyramid of greenish-yellow light formed around it.
The Mammon Machine began to emit thick clouds of an unhealthy-looking black smoke. "Doesn't this violate some sort of emissions standard?" Hanpan asked as they fled.
The Mammon Machine began to rock back and forth, and the top rattled up and down. Then it blew off completely in a shower of sparks. "That looks like my microwave the time I put a can of orange juice in it," Cait Sith said.
"Shut up, idiot," Hanpan snapped.
Rufus sat up. "What's all that noise?" he asked. "What's Sephiroth doing with us?"
"It's a long story," Cecilia said quickly. She turned to Red XIII, who happened to be standing next to her. "Should we tell him?" she whispered.
"Probably not," Red XIII advised. "He might really lose it."
Sephiroth went to retrieve the Masamune from the side of the Mammon Machine. As he slid out of the metal shell of the machine, he happened to look in the obliterated top. "Come take a look at this," he said.
Cait Sith hurried up and peered inside. Shifting inside the top of the machine was a semi-translucent rippling pool of green and blue. "Oooh, pretty," he said. "It looks like something from Earthbound."
"That's a transdimensional portal if I ever saw one," Emiko said from behind.
"Should we see where it leads?" Wedge asked.
"Hold on, I've got something to attend to," C.S. said. He ran back to the phone, hopped off his moogle in order to fit into the phone booth, and dialed Palmer again.
"Hello?" Palmer answered.
"Aieeeeeeeee!" Cait Sith screamed and dropped the receiver. He then collapsed in hysterics on the floor.
"Clever, but did that accomplish anything?" Red XIII asked him.
The phone rang. "I'll get it!" C.S. shouted, reaching for the phone.
"No, I will!" Red XIII, pouncing and knocking Cait down. He reached up with his front paws to try to get the phone.
Cait grabbed his megaphone and clobbered Red XIII on the head with it. "It's MINE!" he yelled, getting up and standing on Red XIII's head.
"No!" Red XIII grabbed C.S.'s feet, rolled, and threw him out of the phone booth. Red then climbed to all four feet and reached for the phone. Cait Sith dived back into the booth, grabbed Red XIII by his tail, and started dragging him backwards.
Red managed to grab the phone in his forepaws. "Hello? This is directory assistance," he asked politely as C.S. continued to drag him across the floor.
"Uh, I think I just electrocuted someone," a confused Palmer replied.
"Where are you calling from?" Red XIII asked.
"Malduke, in Filgaia," Palmer said.
"All right, thank you. We'll check out the situation." Red then hung up.
"That was mine," Cait pouted.
The pair returned to where the others were waiting at the Mammon Machine. Red gave them a thumbs-up. "Palmer's in Malduke, in Filgaia," he reported.
"Malduke?" Rudy, Jack, and Cecilia said in surprise.
"All right," Spekkio said. "Now we know where this Mango Fred's headquarters is. Let's go get him."
"It's ANGOL Fred," Jane said as they climbed through the portal.
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