"All right... just what do you want?" Shadow asked as he stood outside the coliseum with an ice pack held to his head. "This better be important."
"Oh, it is," Jack said. "We need to find out where the Cross is... now."
"Fine, I'll tell you," Shadow said. "Just don't bring that Alhazad guy back. He's too cool for me. The Cross used to be in Thamasa, but then a terrible dragon attacked and took it to the Veldt. So the last I've heard of it, it's on the Veldt."
"Are you sure?" Hanpan asked.
"Yes I am," Shadow said. "I saw all this in my fifth dream that I got when I slept in the coliseum."
"Allllrighty then," Rudy said. "The Veldt it is then."
* * *
The Protowing skimmed to a stop on the Veldt. The party emerged, weapons at the ready. Rufus scanned the horizon. "I don't see anything, do you?" he asked.
"Guess who!" Cait Sith shouted, reaching around Rufus from behind and covering Rufus's eyes.
"Moron," Rufus said, wriggiling away from the cat.
"Nope, it's Cait Sith!" Cait Sith exclaimed, clobbering Rufus on the head with his megaphone.
"Uwaoooooo~!" Gau cried as he suddenly emerged from the ground in front of the party. He spun around several times and then fell down. "Gau feel dizzy! Uwaoo!"
"Wow, that was quite a special effect," Cait Sith chimed in. "I bet that one really cost a lot to produce. Of course, I was rendered on a high-end workstation."
"You are really starting to me, did you know that?" Rufus said.
"No, I didn't know," Cait Sith said sweetly. "I'm so sorry. It won't happen again."
"Gau head hurt!" Gau said when he had gotten up. "Uwaoooo! Mr. Angol want take Gau to FF7 world! Mr. Angol want make Gau secret character! Mr. Angol want start rumor! Gau no want go!"
"Angol Fred, all right," Emiko said. "He couldn't have been in this world that long ago. We're catching up to him."
"Gau hide on Veldt!" Gau continued. "Gau try learn Siegfried and Chupon Rages! Gau no find them! Mr. Angol say give Gau Rages if Gau go to Mig-bar! But Gau no want to go to Mig-bar!"
"Where is this, uh, Mr. Angol now?" Pesmerga asked Gau.
"Mr. Angol kill big dragon! Mr. Angol take shiny thing. Gau want shiny thing. Gau chase Mr. Angol. Mr. Angol go uwaaaooo!"
"Well, that certainly narrows down the possibilities," Jane said.
"I think he means that Angol Fred vanished," Hanpan explained. "He probably went to another world, and he's got the Cross."
"Where did he go, uh, uwaaaooo?" Rudy asked.
"Gau know," Gau said. "Gau friends there! Follow Gau! Uwaoo~!" Gau scurried off across the Veldt. The rest others followed him to a small watering hole on the Veldt. Sabin, Relm, Cecil, Mog, and Cid were sitting around a fire, roasting marshmallows.
"Kupo!" Mog greeted them. He looked at Cait Sith. "Hey... you're that Esper guy, kuppopo!"
"You'll notice all the influence I have around here," Cait Sith whispered to Rufus.
"Shut UP," Rufus repeated.
"Mr. Esper want know where shiny door is!" Gau said, gesturing at Cait Sith.
"Shiny door?" Cid -- the one from FF6 -- asked. "What are you talking about, Gau?"
"I think he means the room in the Ancient Castle," Cecil said.
"Oh, that place," Sabin said. "Say, have you guys heard of anything called the Bright Blade?"
"I've heard about that," Cait Sith said. "But I thought it was just a rumor."
"Which means...." Red XIII began.
"Angol Fred," the whole party said in unison.
"I didn't understand that in the slightest, did you?" Relm asked Cecil.
"Not really, no," Cecil said.
"It's a long story, but I'll try to summarize," Emiko said. "There's Angol Fred, the King of False Rumors. He's stolen the three gems out of the Guardian Amulet, which controls the powers of the Guardians. We've recovered one of the gems, but the other two are in the possession of General Leo. We don't know where he is, but an octopus named Ultros will tell us where if we bring him an item called the Cross. We came here to get it, but Angol Fred's beaten us to it and taken it to another world. That's what we wanted to ask you about."
"That was a SUMMARY?" Mog asked, popping a marshmallow into his mouth.
"But General Leo's dead," Sabin protested.
"That's the power of Angol Fred," Emiko explained. "He can turn false rumors into reality. Leo is one of his top generals, and he's got two of the gems."
"You know, wasn't it Kappa the Imp's suggestion that led to the accident?" Cid said to Cecil. "And he was never real, was he?"
"What's this accident?" Cecilia asked.
"Kappa the Imp told me to equip the Paladin Shield, Paladin Ring, and the Paladin Helmet and then cast Pearl on myself," Cecil explained. "See, I used to be Edgar but that turned me into Cecil. Now I need the Bright Blade to return to normal. I thought something was a little odd, because there isn't a Paladin Helmet, but Kappa said I could get it by uncursing the Thornlet."
"You guys are lucky," Cait Sith said. "You get real honest-to-goodness armor. We've got to wear protective bracelets instead."
"You think Angol Fred's behind all of this?" Cid asked Cecil-Edgar.
"It could be," Cecil-Edgar said. "Would you people mind if we came with you? It looks like we've got a common goal here." He turned to Cecilia. "By the way, are you single?"
"That's Edgar, all right," Cait Sith said.
Cecil-Edgar bowed. "The King Formerly Known as Edgar," he introduced himself. "This is my brother Sabin Figaro; and these are Relm Arrowny, Mog, and Cid."
"What the @#!%?" FF7-Cid exploded. "Who the #$#$ do you think you are, you @$!$in' impostor? I'm the real Cid, @#%!"
"Hey, calm down," FF6-Cid said. "We just have the same name. Want a marshmallow?"
"I'll take all your @#!in' marshmallows and tell you where to stick each and every one of 'em!" Cid said. "You aren't a real Cid, @#$! You're just some loser in a raincoat. You didn't even build a #$#@in' airship. Even the #$%@in' 8-bit Cids could do that."
"Is he always like this?" FF4-Cid asked.
"Yes," Red XIII said. He nodded in introduction. "I'm Nanaki of Cosmo Canyon, son of Seto the Warrior, or you can call me Red XIII."
That gave Jane an idea. "Hey, maybe you guys should put numbers after your names... you know, Cid VII and Cid VI, that sort of thing."
"Uh... sure," the newly-named Cid VI said.
"You call that piece of @#! an idea?" Cid VII asked.
"This looks like the next Rufus and Cait Sith," Jack said.
"Shut your @#$in' mouth," Cid VII snapped. "Let's get goin'."
* * *
Zed was sitting on the floor of the closet, tears of panic running down his face. There was no way out of the closet. He was going to suffocate in here. Zed desperately tried to think of another way out of the closet, but he could come up with none.
* * *
The ever-expanding party, now consisting of Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, Hanpan, Jane, Emiko, Pesmerga, Rufus, Cait Sith, Red XIII, Cid VII, Cecil-Edgar, Relm, Sabin, Gau, Cid VI, and Mog, entered the underground Ancient Castle.
"Uwaooo~!" Gau said. "This where shiny door is! Mr. Angol want take Gau through shiny door!"
The party descended to the room with the petrified queen. "Now, if I remember right, we're supposed to move that statue to the side," Cecil-Edgar said, pointing at a statue of a sphinx.
Cait Sith's moogle and Sabin started pushing on the statue. There was a sudden flash of light and the statue's stone form melted into a living sphinx. "WHO ARE YOU?" the sphinx demanded. "HOW DARE YOU DISTURB MY SLUMBER? I SHALL CURSE YOUR MISERABLE SOULS FOREVER?"
"Why?" Relm asked.
"I'M NOT A MORNING PERSON," the sphinx explained.
"Shouldn't you ask a riddle or something?" Hanpan asked. The wind rat reached inside Jack's coat and took out a small pamphlet. "Let's see here... Mythological Beings Rules and Regulations, Section IX, Subsection 3, Paragraph 5: 'All sphinxes must ask riddles.'"
"Oh, all right," the sphinx said. It threw a lever on the wall. A huge piece of the stone floor slid to the side, dropping Jack and Hanpan into a shaft. They tumbled out on the set of a game show, where the sphinx was awaiting them.
"Welcome to another episode the game show craze sweeping the multiverse, YOU LOSE YOUR LIFE! Here's your host, Bob the Sphinx!" The sphinx walked on to tumultous applause.
"You must be our other contestants," Bob said. "Are you ready to win some fabulous prizes for me steal from you? Go up there in third booth."
"This is like some kind of bad dream or something," Jack muttered as he took his space in the third booth next to PaRappa the Rapper and Jean the frog from Breath of Fire 2.
Jack signed his name on the slate at his booth, and it appeared on the blue screen in front. Hanpan jumped down from Jack's shoulder and picked up the pen with both hands. Using his full body weight, he wiggled the pen tip back and forth to add "AND HANPAN".
"Don't worry," Hanpan said. "I know all the answers."
"First, let's meet our contestants," Bob said. "First, we have our current champion, PaRappa the Rapper, with five straight victories. PaRappa, what's your secret to succcess?"
"You gotta believe!" PaRappa explained.
"All right, thank you," Bob turned to Jean. "And here we have Jean, the prince of SimaFort. Jean, you say that you're a poet. Would like to give us a sample of your work?"
"Of course," Jean said. "Fog, fog, fog. This is Fog Valley's song."
"That was a poem?" Hanpan blurted. "I could write a better poem if I was in a coma."
"And finally, we have Jack Van Burace, a treasure hunter from Arctica," Bob the sphinx said. "Jack, tell us a little about your pet here."
There was a sudden dreadful pause. Bob blinked. Hanpan flew across the room to hover in front of the sphinx. "I'M NOT A PET!!!" he roared in Bob's face.
"Oh... I'm sorry," Bob said, recoiling. "Excuse me."
Hanpan snorted and flew back to Jack, his arms folded and a look of disdain on his face.
A loud buzzer rang. "Oh, it looks like we're almost out of time," Bob said. "We'll have skip straight to the final round. The answer is: MAN."
Jack tried to think over the loud Jeopardy music playing, wondering what solution the sphinx was looking for. "Uh... it's 'What walks on four legs on dawn, three legs at noon, and two legs in the evening?'" Hanpan whispered in Jack's here.
"What was that again?" Jack asked. Hanpan sighed and repeated the solution.
"All right," Bob the sphinx says. "Time's up. Jack, what did you get?"
"What walks on four legs on dawn, three legs at noon, and two legs in the evening?" Jack read the answer Hanpan had provided.
"That's correct!" Bob shouted. "Congratulations! You've won a brand new toaster oven!"
"Oh, joy," Hanpan said.
Suddenly, the trap door in the ceiling opened up again and Rudy and Cecilia dropped down, followed by Pesmerga and Jane. "What's going on here?" Rudy asked.
Bob the sphinx suddenly began to shift forms. Slowly his body morphed into a blue winged demon looking quite like Angol Moa, but this demon was wearing a small oval silver amulet on a chain around its neck.
"I've seen that before..." Cecilia said, staring at the demon. "Angol Fred!"
"Right!" Angol Fred laughed. "But your answer must be in the form of a question!" He pointed at the east wall of the set and it collapsed in a shower of rubble. The King of False Rumors started towards the newly made doorway, beyond which a bright white light was glowing.
Rudy leapt towards him, about to fire the Arch Smash. Angol Fred turned and held the Guardian Amulet out towards Rudy. The amulet glowed briefly and a beam of green light flew out towards Rudy, enveloping him. Rudy hovered in the air, held in stasis by the light.
As Angol Fred turned to leave, Jane fired her Hand Cannon ARM at the Guardian Amulet. The amulet was knocked out of Fred's large blue hand and skittered across the floor. Hanpan shot to pick it up, but Angol Fred stomped one huge foot down on it.
"I don't have time for this now," Angol Fred said. "I've got something important to attend to." The demon scooped up the Guardian Amulet and hurried out through the open doorway. Rudy dropped out of his stasis and landed on the floor.
"Thanks," Rudy said to Jane.
"Oh, uh, it was an accident," Jane said.
The rest of the party dropped down through the trap door. "He got away," Pesmerga said, his hand resting on his sword.
"Really?" Cait Sith asked. "What tipped you off?"
"That shiny door!" Gau said. "That lead to other world!"
"We're right on his tail," Emiko said. "Let's hurry."
The group rushed through the glowing door and found themselves standing on the deck of a yellow airship cutting through the sky.
The airship's crew stared at them. "Who are you?" one of them, who appeared to be the pilot, asked. "Hey... Cecil!"
"I'm not really Cecil," Edgar-Cecil explained. "I'm Edgar Figaro. I sort of got turned into Cecil on accident. I'm trying to find the Bright Blade to cure myself."
"Are you feeling all right, Cecil?" the man asked. "And who are all these people?"
"I'm Cait Sith," Cait said, bounding to the front of the group. "Want my autograph?"
"Nobody thinks you're funny, so shut up!" Rufus snapped.
"Yeah, but I'm cute, furry, and marketable, and you're not," C.S. said.
Suddenly, a huge fireball arced over the airship. Rudy looked down on the ground. A massive black Golem-like machine was stomping through the plains below, spewing out fire in all directions.
"That looks somewhat like the Diamond Weapon," Red XIII said.
"It's the Giant of Bab-il," the blue-helmeted crew member said helpfully. "Seems that Tellah came back from the dead, and now he's taken control of that thing. He's tearing up the world looking for Edward for the bard."
"Angol Fred," the entire party said simultaneously.
"Could you run that by me again?" the pilot asked.
"It's the work of the the King of False Rumors, Angol Fred," Cecil-Edgar asked.
"Look out!" another crew member shouted. "It's firing at us!"
The Giant of Bab-il fired a series of fireball at the Enterprise. "We've got to stop that thing!" Rufus said.
Cid VII rushed to the helm of the airship. "You youngsters just watch," he said, grabbing the steering wheel and diving towards the giant.
"What are you doing?" the pilot exclaimed. "Stop!"
"Too late now," Red XIII observed, staring off the rail of the deck. The airship was heading directly for the chest of the Giant of Bab-il.
"I guess we're stuck with this," the pilot said, picking up a hammer from the deck. "I'm Cid."
"Not another @#!$in' Cid?" Cid VII raged. "@#@#!, why can't you get a @##$in' original name!"
"He's Cid VII," Jane explained. "And that's Cid VI. And you must be Cid IV."
"Wow," Cid IV was saying. "You're lucky. Back in my day, if we so much as thought something like that, Nintendo would have tar and feathered us."
"Here we go!" Cid VII shouted. The Enterprise rammed into the chest of the Giant of Bab-il, smashing through the outer layer of metal. The airship skidded inside the huge robot and slammed into a mass of gears. Cid IV winced as the gears tore huge holes through the front of the Enterprise. The airship's front pitched forward, throwing the party off the front. They hurtled down between the gears and landed on in a large silvery chamber.
| Next chapter: Leo |