The party approached the coliseum at Dragon's Neck. Rufus, in the lead, opened a door. A bucket of water fell on his head. "I really shouldn't have gotten out of bed this morning," he muttered.
"G'fa ha ha," Ultros laughed from inside the coliseum. "Tricked you!"
"Hey, Ultros," Cait Sith said. "Remember me? I'm Cait Sith. I'm an Esper."
"Did you know that Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Slaghoopal?" Hanpan asked.
"Shut up, Hanpan," Cait Sith.
"I'm just trying to liven up the dialogue," Hanpan protested.
"I was designated head of comic relief, so beat it," Cait Sith said.
"What's with you, anyway?" Cecilia asked C.S. "Ever since Reeve lost control of you, you've gone completely insane."
"Call it a personality defect," Cait Sith said, pulling a set of moogle-shaped juggling cubes out from under his cape and beginning to juggle.
"Uh... did you want something?" Ultros asked.
"We're looking for one General Leo," Rudy said. "Do you know him?"
"Fuwa ha ha!" Ultros laughed. "Of course I do! He's... uh, wait a second. Why should I tell you this?"
"Because you're a kind, caring, altruistic person deeply concerned with our needs?" Hanpan asked hopefully.
"Nope," Ultros said. "Tell you what. If you bring me an item called the Cross, I'll help you out."
"Now where are we going to find this Cross?" Pesmerga said to the others.
"There's probably lots of adventurers around here," Red XIII suggested. "I wouldn't be surprised if one of them's heard about it."
"Sounds good," Rudy said. "Why don't you check it out?"
"All right," Red XIII said, padding across the coliseum to the pub. "Come on, Cait."
* * *
The bartender at the bar in the coliseum looked at the odd pair coming up the stairs. One was a red lion with long earrings, and the other was a small black-and-white cat riding on a giant stuffed moogle. The bartender rubbed his eyes. He didn't think he'd been drinking *that* much.
"Down here," Red XIII said from the floor. When the bartender didn't respond, Cait Sith banged him on the head with his megaphone.
"Hey, you, I want an espresso," Cait Sith said. The cat hopped from his moogle onto one of the stools at the bar
Red XIII reached up and put his front paws on the counter, then struggled to look over it. "I'll just have some Bugenhagen-Dazs ice cream."
As the innkeeper turned to get their orders, Cait Sith looked up at the big neon sign over the bar. "You really see these franchised 6th Heaven bars everywhere nowdays, don't you?"
"I thought Tifa's bar was called 7th Heaven," Red XIII said.
"We got downsized," the barkeeper explained.
"Hey, you there," Cait Sith said, grabbing a black-clothed man next to him by his shoulder and shaking him. "You ever heard of something called the Cross?"
The man turned. "What's it to you?"
"Hey, I remember you," Cait Sith said. "You're Shadow, right?"
"Yeah," Shadow grunted. "Who are you?"
"I'm Cait Sith, the Esper Formerly Known as Stray," C.S. explained. "Want my autograph?"
"I'll pass," Shadow said. Then he remembered something. "I thought all the Espers vanished from this world. Why are you still here?"
"I'm special," Cait Sith explained. "Actually, I happened to be out of the world at the time magic disappeared. Pretty lucky, actually. I don't think my insurance would have covered spontaneously vanishing due to a magic outage."
"The Cross, Cait," Red XIII reminded his friend. "The Cross."
"Oh yeah, the Cross," Cait Sith said, sipping his espresso. "Uh, do you know anything about it?"
Shadow turned to the person sitting to his right. It was Seigfried. "Hey, Seig, this cat wants to know about the Cross."
"I heard," Seigfried said. "But today I'm Sigfried, not Seigfried."
"He has a split personality," Shadow explained.
"Maybe he needs to find his true self in the Lifestream," Cait Sith said. He pointing at a puddle on the floor. "I think it's right there."
"That's a pool of spilled beer, Cait," Red XIII said.
"Oops, never mind. So, Mr. Seig-Sig-Zig-fried, what do you know about the Cross?"
"That's the thing Ultros is looking for, right?" Seigfried said. "Yeah, I know where it is. But I'm not going to just tell you. See, I'm looking for this sword called the Gamma Sword."
"Cute," Cait Sith said to Red. "If this storyline gets any more straightforward, I'm not sure I could take it."
"Cait," Red whispered urgently. He motioned for the cat to follow and walked across the room. Cait Sith jumped on his moogle and followed. When they were out of Seigfried's hearing range, Red XIII whispered to Cait, "The Gamma Sword... that was that sword Jack found when we first came here."
"Do we give it to him?" C.S. whispered back.
"I don't know," Red said. "We don't even know whether Seigfried really knows where the Cross is. Let's go talk with the others first."
"Hey, you two," Seigfried shouted to them as they turned to leave. "I almost forgot to tell you that somebody's pretending to be me. Don't be fooled."
"Yeah, someone's posing as me too," Shadow added. "If you see him, punch him out for me, okay?"
"Uh... sure," Red said.
* * *
Red XIII explained what they had learned to the rest of the group. "So you think this Seigfried guy might be lying?" Rufus asked.
"I don't know," Red XIII replied.
"Hey, look at this," Hanpan said, flying out from Jack's shoulder and grabbing a tabloid off a rack. "'TALKING GIBBON WRITES WILD ARMS FAQ... DETAILS INSIDE!'" With some difficulty the rat flipped through the pages of the magazine, which was bigger than he was. "General Leo Seen In Detroit 7-11... Exclusive Photos: Yuffie Seen With Edward the Bard... Baby Born With Ultima Spell... Terrible Dragon Attacks Thamasa... hey, what's that?" Hanpan skimmed over the article. "Hey, guys! It says here that a terrible dragon attacked Thamasa and made off with a number of magical artifacts, including the Cross... it was pursued by two mercenaries, Clyde Arrowny and Seig Hideann."
The group looked at each other. "He's telling the truth," Rudy nodded.
"Good, let's go give him the sword and get going," Jane said, heading for the bar.
"Not so fast," Rufus said, grabbing her arm and stopping her. "What's going to stop him from just taking the sword and leaving? I've got a better idea. Let's bet the sword in the coliseum. This Seigfried's guy bound to show up."
"Good idea," Jack said. He drew the Gamma Sword and his own sword. "Leave it to me."
* * *
Jack stepped into the arena, facing off against Seigfried. As soon as he drew his sword, however, he suddenly lost all control over his body. His intent was to use Trump Card, but instead he found himself casting Soul Breaker, which, of course, failed.
"Help!" Jack shouted as he used a Antidote on himself (despite the fact he wasn't poisoned). "I can't control myself!"
"Leave this to me, human," a voice behind him said as Boomerang and Luceid entered the arena. Jack quickly stepped out of the way. Boomerang raised his boomerangs to fight and Lucied crouched, ready to leap.
"YOU!" Shadow shouted, jumping from the stands into the arena. "You're the one who's copying me!" He turned to Seigfried. "Look at that, Baram. This guy's completely ripping me off... the dog, the ninja getup, everything... heck, even his theme song sounds like mine!" Shadow drew his knives and whistled for Interceptor, then turned to face Boomerang. "You're paying royalties to me, pal."
"Nobody tells me what to do," Boomerang said. "Come, Luceid."
Boomerang used Double Boomerang Dynamic, throwing his boomerangs at Shadow and then jumping after them. Shadow was knocked off balance, but retaliated with Shadow Fang. Luceid leaped towards Interceptor and bit into the dog's side. Interceptor fled, whimpering.
Shadow, armed with the Genji Glove and Offering, darted into and slashed at Boomerang eight times. Boomerang staggered dizzily backwards. "You're tougher than I expected," the Quarter Knight said. "I might need some help. ZEIK!!"
A shadow appeared on the ground and Zeikfried rose from it. The demon leader readied his Glumzamber spear to fight, surveying the arena in front of him.
"There are you!" Seigfried shouted. "I've been a waiting a long time for this, impostor!" Seigfried cast Hyper Drive, but Zeikfried teleported quickly out of the way.
Zeikfried and Boomerang looked at each other. The pair raised two Guardian runes, summoning Zephyr and Lucadia. Zephyr started to blast Seigfried and Shadow with a blast of fire when Bahamut appeared in front of the dragon.
"IMPOSTOR!" Bahamut roared. "HOW DARE YOU IMITATE THE DRAGON KING BAHAMUT!" Bahamut batted Zephyr out of the way with a huge claw. The small piece of ground on which Zephyr was lying started to rise from the earth.
"Uh-oh," Boomerang said. "Here comes another twelve-hour call spell."
As Neo Bahamut did his routine on Zephyr, Leviathan appeared in a ball of water and lunged for Lucadia. Lucadia sent a tidal wave crashing down on Leviathan, but Leviathan retaliated with an even bigger one that crushed Lucadia.
"Oh well," Zeikfried shrugged. "What did you expect from a pair of Guardians?"
"Hey, Zeik, look out," Boomerang said as Seigfried used another Hyper Drive on Zeikfried. Zeik was smashed against the wall of the arena.
"Uh... thanks," Zeik said. "You know, we could be in trouble."
"I hadn't noticed," Boomerang said sarcastically as Shadow launched into another 8-hit Genji Glove/Offering attack.
Suddenly, a white sphere appeared in the center of the arena and formed into the shape of Alhazad.
"Who are you?" Seigfried asked, turning from his assault on Zeikfried.
"I am Alhazad, of the Demon Race!" Alhazad boomed. "Bow before me, mortals!"
"Demons?" Seigfried asked. "There's no such thing as demons."
"Then what do I look like?" Alhazad said ominously.
"Uh.... a weather balloon?" Seigfried said. "Yeah. A very oddly-shaped weather balloon."
"I find your lack of faith disturbing," Alhazad said coolly, blasting Seigfried out of existence with a Super Transmitted Mega Crush.
"Uh... please, Mr. Alhazad," Shadow begged, falling to his knees. "Don't kill me!"
"Khhk khhk khhk!" Alhazad laughed. "Grovel at my feet, mortal! I'm sorry, all I can give you is -"
"Hold it, Alhazad," Jack said, drawing his sword. "This guy has some important information."
"You spoil all the fun," Alhazad said. "All right. I'll let this twerp go. And remember, kids... I'm your REAL favorite character, not that stupid Roughnight kid. Remember to vote for Alhazad!" With that, Alhazad vanished.
| Next chapter: You Spoony Bard! |