XV. IN WHICH RUFUS GETS WHAT HE DESERVES

We snuck out the back door of the command center, in case Barret and Vincent were hungering for another game of Simon Says. "Now what can we do?" I asked. "That rocket was our only chance of stopping Meteor. We're all dead. We might as well go home and wait for the end of the world."

"Hey-hey, look!" Palmer said, pointing up into the sky.

We stared up. The Shinra-26, now just a small speck in the sky, collided with Meteor. A violent blast of white light erupted across the entire planet. When it died down, and we could see again, we looked up. Meteor was still there.

"Bummer," as Hart put it.

"There's still one last chance," Butch said. "Remember the White Materia? That contains the ultimate white magic, Holy. If we can get our hands on that, we can use it to counteract Meteor."

"Yeah, but where is it now?" I asked.

"The last we saw of it, it fell in the water when Aerith died, remember?" Johnny said. "That was in the City of the Ancients, remember?"

"Ah, the old blue help text. Thanks, man."

We hitchhiked up to Bone Village, where we'd have to dig up a Luna Harp to get through the Sleeping Forest. While digging, however (those archaeologists wouldn't even help us out because we weren't AVALANCHE), we encounter something far cooler... a key to Midgar.

"Guys... look at this," I said. "This a key to one of the gates of Midgar."

"Great," Butch said. "That could be useful. Now we just gotta find that harp."

"Wait!" I said. "With this, we can get into Midgar and finally take on Shinra. They'll never know what hit them. And with all of Shinra's firepower, we won't have any problem stopping Meteor."

"Do you really think the seven of us have a chance against all of Shinra?" Hart asked.

"Doesn't matter," I said. "We're going to Midgar!" I'd waited a long, long, time for this chance, and I wasn't about to pass it up. It was time to wreak vengeance on Shinra at last. AVALANCHE would soon follow (or so I thought). Besides, I had a plan.

I eventually managed to convince the gang to go to Midgar. On the way, I made a stop by the Chocobo Farm to shoot a ferret and collect its corpse. We used the key to enter the Sector 5 slums and started into the underside of Midgar. I led the group to a familiar landmark, but not one that I had ever paid much attention to: the crashed rocket. "You think this thing will still work?" I asked.

"We could try," Palmer said.

We hauled the rocket out of the scrap pile. It was just a test rocket, much smaller than the Shinra-26 -- there wasn't any passenger space inside. Nevertheless, we might be able to ride on top of it.

"I used to build model rockets as a kid," Fred said.

We patched up the rocket and Fred set up a crude launching pad. Nervously, we sat on the rocket, then Johnny lit the fuse. I watched the fuse burn down and realized what we were doing was incredibly stupid -- but it was too late to get off now. The rocket took off, trailing smoke behind it.

My stomach lurched as the ground flew away beneath us. I clung tightly to the rocket and closed my eyes. "How do we stop this thing?" Johnny yelled. I did not open my eyes for fear of what I would see.

I heard the sound of breaking glass. "Bail out!" Palmer yelled. I felt the rocket shift as a number of my buddies jumped off. I did not move.

"Tortellini, get off!" Hart shouted from behind me. Still with my eyes closed, I dived off the rocket to the right. I fell a short distance and landed headfirst in something wet. Shortly thereafter, there was a fairly large explosion from the rocket.

I opened my eyes. I was staring into some water. I tried to get to my feet, but my head was wedged into something. "Hang on, we'll pull you out," Mukki said. I felt a tug at me, and then I popped backwards.

I was sitting on the floor of a bathroom, staring at the toilet that I had just been stuck in. Around Mukki, Johnny, and I were some smoking pieces of the rocket. "Why didn't you jump off earlier?" Mukki asked.

"I was scared," I admitted. The three of us -- me still a little dazed -- walked out of the bathroom and into the hallway, where the rest of the group was. I recognized the hallway instantly. It was the Shinra Building. "Hey! We made it!"

Some maraca music started playing.

I reached into my pocket and took out the dead ferret I'd collected on the way to the Shinra Building. "I learned a few things back at City Hall," I said. "One of them is that a dead ferret in the ventilation duct really stinks things up." Casually, I opened up the nearest duct and tossed the ferret in. "Takes about an hour for it to get really smelly, if I recall."

We hid in one of the bathroom stalls and waited. The maraca music continued to play. A very rancid smell started wafting out of the ventilation ducts and soon became unbearable. We continued to wait.

The building PA system came on. "We are currently unaware what is causing the smell in the building. In the mean time, please feel free to take a breather outside."

"Not like the air out there's any better," Fred said.

Footsteps criss-crossed the halls outside the bathroom. When they had ended, we exited the bathroom to the tune of, uh, maraca music. "All right," Butch said. "Now we can loot this place."

"Hey-hey, you sure everybody's left?"

"I'll go up to the security room and keep an eye on the building," Hart volunteered. "I'll let you know if anybody shows up."

While Hart was in the security room, the rest of us began to loot the Shinra Building. I was in ecstatic. Shinra had tortured me in various ways over all these years, and now we were ripping them off of weapons, items, food, even furniture -- I made a beeline for the swivel chairs in my former office and took them. Palmer found a Behemoth Horn in a storage room, and Butch picked up a Grow Lance. Johnny had the biggest prize of them all -- my cardboard standup of Alhazad, which we had found in Heidegger's office (I'd always wondered what happened to it).

We were in the process of leaving with our first haul when an alarm started to sound. Hart's voice came in on the PA system. "It's Weapon!" he shouted. "One of them, at least. It's coming out of the sea and it's headed straight towards Midgar!"

We rushed to the window and looked out. A huge white robot-like being -- the Diamond Weapon -- was emerging from the ocean to the north of Midgar in a huge spray of water. It sloshed through the water and then onto the land. In the city, people crowded the streets and fled randomly around in terror, screaming. Meanwhile, the maraca music kept playing.

"Of all the times this could happen, it had to happen now," I said. For some reason, I was now speaking in subtitles.

"Will somebody shut those maracas up?" Johnny snapped in a subtitle.

"Hey-hey, forget the loot, we've got to get out of here!" Palmer said, also in a subtitle. We dropped our goods and rushed down to the parking garage. Fred hotwired a jeep and we took off. It was not until we were already out of the building that we released we had forgotten Hart.

Trying to escape the building did not prove to be a good move, because the entire staff of the Shinra Building was still standing outside, waiting for the dead ferret smell to go away. I looked across the hordes of engineers, secretaries, lawyers, and MPs. "Whoops," I said.

We tried to drive right through the crowd. This worked for the engineers and secretaries, who fled from our path, but the MPs started firing on our jeep. A group of lawyers used their occult powers to drop lightning bolts on us. Johnny, who was driving, tried to swerve between them. Some of the lightning bolts blasted MPs or other Shinra workers.

We pointed our Mako guns out the window and started firing at the MPs. One of the MPs threw a stick of dynamite at our car. Mukki caught it and tossed it back, causing a large section of the crowd to flee in terror.

Meanwhile, the Diamond Weapon continued its inexorable, although somewhat stilted, march on the city. Shinra helicopter swarmed around it, firing on it to no avail, and the Weapon swatted many of them down with its huge arms. The whole city was packed with people running up and down the street for no reason and screaming their heads off, all in subtitles. They were also a lot of small and vaguely plastic-like cars.

And the maraca music kept playing.

We made it out of the bulk of the crowds, but the Turks spotted us and started firing on us with uzis. I ducked down in my seat as bullets peppered the side of the car. "We could be in trouble," I noted.

One of the bullets struck our fuel tank. There was a large explosion from the rear of the jeep and the vehicle flipped into the air, spun around several times, and crashed hood-first into the pavement. We tumbled out, remarkably uninjured.

"My peoples say your jeep is disabled," Elena said in a subtitle.

We were seized by Shinra troops, beaten unconscious, and taken to a prison. Now let's jump on over to Hart.

When I regained consciousness, we were sitting in a jail cell somewhere in Midgar. Our whole group (except Hart) was there -- me, Mukki, Johnny, Butch, Fred, and Palmer. And we had some company as well. Reeve.

"What are y'all doing here?" Reeve asked.

"We were trying to loot the Shinra Building, but we got caught," Butch explained. At least we weren't talking in subtitles anymore. "But how about you?"

"I was helping out AVALANCHE," Reeve said. "Heidegger finally figured what I was up to."

"Frankly, I think you deserve it," I said.

"Hey, wanna hear a joke?" Palmer asked. "Hey-hey, this kid is at school. Some kids are making fun of him, so he calls them blue bananas and they beat him up. He goes inside to tell his teacher. 'What are you doing here?' the teacher asks. 'I called a bunch of kids blue bananas and they beat me up,' the kid says. 'You called them blue bananas? That's very bad,' the teacher said. 'I'm afraid I'll have to send you the principal.' So the kid goes to the principal. 'What are you doing here?' the principal asks. 'I called a bunch of kids blue bananas and they beat me up. I went to tell my teacher and she sent me to you, and now I'm here.' 'You called them blue bananas? That's very bad,' the principal said. 'I'm sending you home to talk to your parents.' The kid goes home, and his dad is there. 'What are you doing here?' his dad asks. 'I called a bunch of kids blue bananas and they beat me up. I went to tell my teacher and she sent me to the principal, and the principal sent me home, and now I'm here.' 'You called them blue bananas? That's very bad,' the kid's dad says. 'Go outside and think about what you did.' The kid goes outside and sits down on the porch. A policeman comes by. 'What are you doing here?' the policeman asks. 'I called a bunch of kids blue bananas and they beat me up. I went to tell my teacher and she sent me to the principal, and the principal sent me home. My dad told me to sit outside, and now I'm here.' 'You called them blue bananas? That's very bad,' the policeman says. 'I'm going to have to arrest you.' So the kid winds up in juvenile court. 'What are you doing here?' the judge asks. 'I called a bunch of kids blue bananas and they beat me up. I went to tell my teacher and she sent me to the principal, and the principal sent me home. My dad told me to sit outside, and a policeman came by and arrested me. And now I'm here.' 'You called them blue bananas? That's very bad,' the judge says. 'I'm going to have sentence you to 15 years in jail.' So the kid gets sent to jail. 15 years later, he gets out of jail. As he's leaving the jail, he runs into a girl he used to know at school. 'What are you doing here?' she asks. 'I called a bunch of kids blue bananas and they beat me up. I went to tell my teacher and she sent me to the principal, and the principal sent me home. My dad told me to sit outside, and a policeman came by and arrested me. The judge sentenced me to 15 years in prison and now I'm here.' The friend starts laughing so hard she ends up rolling on the ground. She rolls out into the street, gets hit by a car, and dies. The moral of the story? Look both ways before you cross the street."

There was a numb silence -- well, there would have been, except the maraca music kept going.

"That's the dumbest joke I've ever heard," Fred said.

A guard passed by our cell in the hallway. "Hey, you! I demand that you release us!" Fred said, waving a piece of orange cardboard. "I have a Get Out of Jail Free card!"

The guard did not respond, because he was presently being propelled into the wall by a figure in a black cloak that had kicked him in the stomach. The figure approached our cell and pulled back its hood. It was Zangan.

"Zangan?" Mukki whispered.

"I'm baaaack!" Zangan said. "I saw what you guys were doing with the rocket. That was our only chance."

"You mean -?" I started.

"Yeah, yeah, AVALANCHE is stupid, you're not, I was wrong, you were right, yada yada yada. Now let's get out of here." Zangan picked the lock on the cell and we crept out. Reeve tagged along behind us.

On the way out of the prison, I spotted several Moogles in another cell frantically shaking maracas. "Zangan," Johnny said. "Can you open that cell?"

Zangan did so.

Johnny walked in and suddenly snatched the maracas out of the Moogles' hands. "Stop... playing... that... infernal... music..." he said to the Moogles.

"Kupo," a Moogle said sullenly.

Johnny handed them the maracas back. The Moogles took them, but did not start playing. Satisfied, Johnny closed the cell door and we left the prison. Just as we were leaving, I heard the Moogles tittering and the maraca music started back up again. Johnny ran back inside the prison and returned a few minutes later. There was no maraca music. "Okay, let's go," he said.

Zangan had parked his truck outside the prison. We all climbed in, with Zangan driving. "Now where do we go?" he asked.

I looked out across the skyline of the city. There was no sign of the Diamond Weapon. "Weapon's gone," I observed. "Let's get back to the Shinra Building. We gotta find Hart."

Zangan drove off towards the Shinra Building, but soon stopped the truck. "What's the matter?" Mukki asked. "Why have we stopped the car?"

"I forgot to close the door," Zangan said. He closed the door, then started the truck.

"A word of warning, Zangan," Fred said. "Don't do that when Hart's around."

The prison was on the fringes of the Sector 8 plate, so we had a ways to go to reach the Shinra Building. We were about halfway to the Shinra Building when things got interested. A huge red robot was lumbering down the street, directly towards us.

I looked up to the top of the robot. Two people were in the cockpit, although I couldn't tell who they were. "Gyaaa haa haa!" one of them said -- it was obviously Heidegger. He looked down at the car and spotted me in it. "Well, well, it's Domino," he said. "You sure did treat us like dogs up until now."

"This is our new Proud Clod," Scarlet, the other rider, said. "The ultimate in anti-Weapon artillery. Kyaa haa haa!"

"You think that thing has a chance against Weapon?" Butch blurted. "Give me a break!"

The Proud Clod stepped towards us. "Step on the gas!" I shouted.

"Step on the gas," Zangan repeated. He slammed the gas pedal down and the car shot between the Proud Clod's legs. The Proud Clod turned slowly around, and then lumbered after us.

Our truck zipped down the street with the Proud Clod chasing us. "Check and turn the signals to the right," I said.

"Check and turn the signals to the right," Zangan repeated.

"Now turn to the right."

"Now turn to the right." Zangan swerved down a narrow side street. The Proud Cloud tried to fit in, but couldn't. Instead, Heidegger merely flipped a switch and blasted the obstructing buildings into oblivion, then continued the chase.

We turned out into another street with a sizable lead over the Proud Clod. Suddenly, a manhole ahead of us flew open. The Chocobo Sage popped up out of it, holding a Chocobo in his arms. "Chocobos love trucks!" he said.

"Step on the brakes!" I shouted. I didn't want to run over the Chocobo Sage.

"Step on the brakes," Zangan repeated. He slammed the brakes and the truck stopped, but by that time the Chocobo Sage had disappeared back into the manhole. Zangan hit the gas and we accelerated again. The Proud Clod continued to chase us.

We neared the Shinra Building. By this time, most of the staff had returned to work inside the building -- either that, or they'd gone home. Hart, however, was standing in front of the building. As he saw our truck approaching, he started jumping up and down and waving his arms frantically.

We almost made it to the building. It was so close. We were halfway across the parking lot when the Turks struck. They were standing on top of a car, still armed with uzis. This time, they "only" managed to blow one of our tires.

Our car started bouncing around. "Woh ho ho huh! Stop the car!" I shouted at Zangan. "We got an emergency, can't you see?"

Zangan slammed on the brakes. We jumped out of the car and turned to face the Turks.

"Don't you guys ever go away?" Fred said. We all had our Mako Guns drawn, except for Reeve and Zangan.

"Our company may be in turmoil, but an order's an order," Elena said. "That's the will and spirit of the Turks. Believe it!"

"I know we have a weird relationship, but... we have to end this... like Turks!" Reno said.

"Besides, you have no idea how long we spent trying to find a save point in Persona," Elena added.

"That wasn't us, that was Tseng," I said.

"Tseng..." Elena paused for a moment and lowered her gun.

That was all the time we needed. "BUM RUSH!" Zangan shouted. He leaped into the air and spun around Elena several times, accompanied by bright flashes of light. Elena stumbled and fell to the ground.

Zangan whirled to face Reno, who was armed with nightstick, and Rude, who still had his uzi out. "Kick, punch, it's all in the mind," Zangan said.

"THAT'S IT!" Hart roared from across the parking lot. "NO MORE PARAPPA REFERENCES! NONE!!!" Enraged, he grabbed an entire ashtray and hurled it towards the car where Zangan, Reno, and Rude were standing. Zangan was facing towards Hart, saw it coming, and ducked, but Reno and Rude were not so lucky. The ashtray hit them in the backs, knocked them down, and rolled down off the car.

While we were fighting the Turks, the Proud Clod had been steadily approaching us. It was now standing in the parking lot. With a sweep of its left hand, it picked up Hart and lifted him into the air.

"Help!" Hart shouted.

"Kyaa haa haa!" Scarlet laughed.

The Proud Clod grabbed onto the side of the Shinra Building with its right hand and started climbing up. In its left hand it held a screaming Hart.

"Y'all've got to do something!" Reeve said.

"Yeah, but what?" Mukki said.

Butch pointed up into the air. I followed his hand upwards. A dark blue saucer-shaped vehicle was descending from the sky with flashing lights. As we stared in shock at it, the saucer touched down in the Shinra parking lot.

A ramp folded down from the side of the saucer, opening a doorway. A group of chimpanzees wearing light blue spacesuits trooped down. One of the chimpanzees was carrying a green flag, upon which was a chimpanzee head and a sickle.

"Greetings, human," the flag-carrying chimpanzee said. "We are the Space Chimps. I am our leader, Pongo La Ropa. Do you require our assistance?"

"As a matter of fact, we could," I said. I pointed to the Proud Clod. "That thing's got our buddy."

"Very well," Pongo La Ropa said. He turned to the other Space Chimps. "Any good bads here?"

"I'm the best good bad in this squad, General," a Space Chimp said, raising its hand.

"All right, Sergeant Chunky," Pongo said. He glanced up at the Proud Clod. "I think this situation calls for the Banana Bites, what do you think?"

"The same," Sgt. Chunky agreed.

Pongo unzipped a pouch on his space suit and removed a long rectangular yellow box. Text on the box read "BANANA BITES: Chocolate-covered banana bits". Pongo handed the box of Banana Bites to Chunky. "Careful with these."

Chunky nodded and unstrapped a grenade launcher from his back. He opened up the ammo case and the box of Banana Bites, then shook the box's contents -- three black roundish pieces of chocolates, presumably containing banana -- into the grenade launcher.

Pongo La Ropa pointed up towards the Proud Clod. "Through the window, off the computer, into the toilet, through the pipes, out the gutter, off the helicopter, through the cockpit window, into the fat guy's mouth."

Sgt. Chunky raised the grenade launcher and fired it. A Banana Bite arced across the night sky, and broke through a 64th-floor window of the Shinra Building. It disappeared inside the building, only to later shoot out of the gutter, bounce off a helicopter in the sky, break through the Proud Clod's cockpit, and lodge itself directly into Heidegger's mouth.

Heidegger started coughing and held his substantial stomach. "Heidegger?" Scarlet asked. "Heidegger?" Heidegger pitched forward and fell on the Proud Clod's controls. Whatever buttons he fell on caused the Proud Clod to leap off the Shinra Building and into the air. The Proud Clod sort of hung there for a moment and there plummeted to the ground. Hart dived out of the Proud Clod's hand as it neared the ground. The Clod struck the ground and exploded in a sphere of red flames.

Hart rolled across the ground away from the fire and came up at Fred's feet. "Thanks for the help," I said to the Space Chimps.

"No problem," Pongo La Ropa said. "Bailing people out of otherwise unsolvable situations is our job. If you ever need any more help, feel free to give me a call." The Space Chimp handed me a business card, which listed him as a "Registered deux au machina".

The Space Chimps climbed back inside their saucer and flew off, never to be seen again. "Who were those masked chimps?" Hart asked.

It was not until now that what had just happened sunk in for me. "We did it!" I suddenly shouted. "We finally beat Shinra!"

"Not quite," Reeve said. "Hojo's going to fire the Sister Ray again. The city can't handle it. We've got to stop him. Let's git!"

I looked up across the city skyline. A lone figure was standing on the Sister Ray platform, silhouetted against the rain. It was Hojo.

The Sister Ray started to glow. "We don't have time!" Zangan shouted. "That sucker's gonna fire any second!"

I looked around the parking lot. My eyes fell on some wood hanging out of a dumpster on the side of the building. I rushed over, grabbed a board, and set it up on a speed bump, carefully aiming it to point directly at Hojo. Finally, I picked up the head of the demolished Proud Cloud.

"Palmer... come over here," I said. Palmer did so, and I directed him to stand on one end of the board. I then stuffed the Proud Clod head down over Palmer's own.

"Hey-hey, what are you doing?" Palmer asked nervously.

"Okay, everybody, on the count of 3, jump on the board," I instructed.

"Hey-hey-hey-hey!" Palmer protestd.

"1... 2... 3!" We all jumped on the free end of the board. Palmer was catapulted into the air and arced across Sector 8.

We watched our rotund friend hurtle towards the Sister Ray platform. As Palmer approached the cannon, Fred said anxiously, "Back... back... back..." Palmer smacked into Hojo, knocking the scientist tumbling from the platform. "He's outta there!"

We rushed over to the Sister Ray. Palmer was kneeling on the ground in a dazed state, his head protected by the Proud Clod's head. Hojo, however, was lying flat on the ground.

"You okay?" I asked, kneeling down over Palmer. "How many fingers am I holding up?"

Palmer said something unintelligible.

"What?" I asked.

Palmer repeated it.

"I think he said, 'I can't get this helmet off!'" Hart translated.

We tugged on the Proud Clod's head and eventually managed to yank it off. "Well?" I asked.

Palmer looked at me. "You're not holding up any fingers anymore." I held up three fingers. "Three," Palmer said.

"How about Hojo?" Reeve asked.

Johnny took a look at him. "Dead," he reported. "Dead as a doorknob."

"Doornail," Mukki corrected.

"Sorry."

"Now we have done it," I said triumphantly. "We have beat Shinra. It took me ten years, two resistance organizations, a trip around the world, and cost me two jobs, but we've finally done it. We beat Shinra."

Next chapter: In Which We Save The World (Several Times)