"It's not over yet, you know," a voice behind us said.
We looked back. The Turks were standing across the street. "Oh, man," Mukki groaned. "Can't you just leave us guys alone?"
"We weren't planning on fighting you," Reno said. "What's left to fight for?"
"Then what is left?" Hart demanded.
"Sephiroth," Rude said simply.
"And Meteor," Elena added.
We had one last job left to do. "Guess it's time to insert Disc 3," Hart said.
"Oops," Palmer said. "I think I chucked that a while ago."
We spent the better part of the following day hunting for Disc 3. We eventually found it and we were ready to head off to the North Crater in one of the former Shinra Company's planes. Fred, however, insisted on a slight side trip to the Gold Saucer which will be revealed in due time.
We -- our party currently consisting of me, Hart, Johnny, Mukki, Butch, Fred, Palmer, and Zangan -- landed on the rim of the North Crater. "Don't tell me we have to hike all the way down that," Mukki groaned.
"I won't," I said. "I brought something along."
I opened up the plane's trunk and produced a bundle of bungee cords. "Bungee cords!"
Some maraca music started. Johnny jogged around to the other side of the crater and came back carrying some Moogles by the scruff of their necks. He nodded towards the crater. "Cut that music or in you go."
"Kupo," one of the Moogles said.
We attached our bungee cords to a large rock and stood ready to jump. "So how do we do this?" Butch asked.
"Just jump," I shrugged. "How hard can it be?"
"You said exactly the same thing about snowboarding and piloting a submarine," Hart pointed out.
"All right, all right, but this time it will be easy. Let's go." Taking the lead, I jumped down into the crater. The others soon followed me.
We plummeted past a dizzying series of ledges and pathways, eventually passing into a small hole and into the center of the Planet itself. Green Mako energy rushed around us. Our drop ceased abruptly and we moved downwards at a crawl.
"What's... going... on... ?" I asked.
"Major... slowdown..." Fred said.
At the very center of the center of the Planet we found a huge, purplish, mutated Sephiroth-thing. Surrounding him on some stone ledges was AVALANCHE, and they were doing a number on Bizarro Sephiroth. As we plummeted among the ledges, Red XIII cast Flare on Sephiroth's head.
"It's morphin' time!" Sephiroth declared. He started to transform, but at that moment our bungee jumps sent us spinning back up to the top of the crater.
"This could be a bit more difficult that I thought," I admitted.
We jumped back down in. When we arrived at the core of the Planet this time, Sephiroth was in the form of an angel-like being. Cloud, Tifa, and Red XIII were fighting him.
"Hey guys!" Hart shouted, waving, as we bounced upside-down into the middle of the fight.
"It's a-me, Domino!" I said.
"SUPER NOVA!" Sephiroth shouted. Luckily, we bounced back up in time to avoid the spell.
"You know, this could really be quite difficult," Johnny said.
We dived into the crater a third time. When we reached the bottom, Sephiroth's Super Nova spell was still going on. "Er... we'll be leaving now," Palmer said. We quickly bounced back up.
"All right, guys, this time, try to grab onto something," I said.
We jumped yet again. This time, Cloud was casting Knights of the Round. We fell down between the Knights, who were flying around and swinging their weapons. I felt my bungee cord go slack and looked up. One of the Knights had severed the cord with his mace. I frantically tried to climb up the segment of cord I was holding, which served no useful purpose.
I landed on the ground in front of AVALANCHE. The rest of my party bungeed back up out of the crater. Above us, King Arthur appeared and dealt Sephiroth a final blow with Excalibur. Sephiroth started to crumble.
"Hey, we did it," Cloud said nonchalantly. "No... wait! He's still alive!"
A gray tube opened up where Sephiroth had been moments earlier. Cloud was sucked in and vanished. "Cloud!" Tifa shouted.
"Leave this to me!" I said, jumping into the tunnel after Cloud. The tunnel wound around through a phantom black void and eventually dropped me out on a flat rock plain that seemed to extend infinitely in all directions. The sky was a black void.
Sephiroth was standing in human form on the plain, and Cloud was bashing Sephiroth with his sword. The blows bounced off Sephiroth with no effect, and Seph stood laughing at Cloud's attempts.
"Cloud... here!" I said, tossing Cloud the item we'd picked up in the Gold Saucer on the way to the crater -- the Omnislash Limit Break manual.
Cloud took the manual and started thumbing through it. "Just a minute here," he said to Sephiroth. "I've got to take a look at this."
"Take your time," Sephiroth said.
Cloud finished flipping through the manual. "Omnislash!" he yelled, leaping at Sephiroth with his sword raised. He sommersaulted around Sephiroth, sending out waves of energy. Sephiroth stumbled backwards, dropped to his knees, and then fell down.
Sephiroth's body began to dissolve. "Any last words, Sephiroth?" Cloud sneered.
"So long, and thanks for all the fish!"
"Huh? What do you mean?" It was too late. Sephiroth was gone.
"Hey, Domino, thanks for the - " Cloud started. Then the gray tube opened back up, and Cloud and I were sucked back through. We popped out in the bottom of the crater.
The crater was starting to collapse -- whole chunks of the ledges on the walls were breaking off and dissolving in the Mako. "We've got to get out of here!" Cloud said.
"Cloud!" Tifa said from above, trying to reach down.
A rope fell down beside Cloud and I. I immediately scrambled up it, to the ledge where the rest of AVALANCHE was waiting -- or most of them. Yuffie and Vincent were nowhere to be seen. Tifa was still trying to pull Cloud up. "Climb the rope, @#$#$!" Cid shouted down. Cloud scrambled up the rope to safety on the ledge.
I looked up. The rope had not been thrown by one of AVALANCHE, it had come from above them -- I assumed it was one of my crew. I scrambled on up it. Below, the crater continued to crumble. "These darn bad guy headquarters always fall apart," I muttered.
At the top of the crater, I climbed out to find my party waiting for me -- and Holzoff. At first, I barely even noticed him, as I was worn out from the frantic climb. "Sephiroth's dead," I reported to my party. Then I saw Holzoff and did a double take. "Holzoff! What are you up to?"
"I saw all the battles going on up here and dropped by to lend a hand," Holzoff explained. "Good thing I showed up when I did. And, uh, sorry about bailing out on you earlier."
AVALANCHE climbed up out of the crater, barely in front of a rising tide of liquid Mako. At Hart's urging, we climbed into our former Shinra Company plane and took off. AVALANCHE got in "their" Highwind (originally, of course, the Hart) and flew off just at the last minute as the crater collapsed. Of course, if they'd just taken the rope out, they wouldn't have to get out at the last minute, but they have to do stupid things for dramatic effect.
Butch looked up in the sky at Meteor. "Now let's just hope Holy can stop Meteor in time."
"Forget Meteor, we've got to find Yuffie," I said.
"What?" Mukki asked. "We're still not done?"
"Yuffie and Vincent vanished while Cloud was fighting Sephiroth," I said. "The Planet only knows what she's up to. We've got to find her."
"There's only one she could have gone," Hart said. "South."
We flew south, looking for any sign of Yuffie, which wasn't easy at our height. Above us, impressive pyrotechnics surged across the sky as Holy was unleashed on Meteor. Just as we reached the south end of the continent, we spotted something -- Hojo's seaplane, which we had left there en route to the Forgotten Capital, was taking off. "Hey-hey!" Palmer said. "The seaplane!"
Our plane didn't have any weapons, so we were reduced to tailing the seaplane and waiting for it to land. The plane touched down in the water near Nibelheim, and sure enough, Yuffie got out, dragging an unconscious Vincent. We landed a distance aways and followed Yuffie into town.
By the time we got to Nibelheim, Yuffie was nowhere to be seen. "Where do you suppose she's gone?" Fred asked.
"There's only one place she could have gone," Johnny said. "The Shinra Mansion."
We climbed back in through the broken window and fanned out to search the mansion. Butch and I figured she'd be in the basement, so we went there. And sure enough, we found Yuffie in Hojo's former lab, sorting through the various scary-looking devices in the room. Vincent was lying on an operating table.
"The game's up, Yuffie," Butch said. "Where's my Materia?"
"What?" Yuffie asked innocently. "I didn't -"
"You killed Tseng," I said. "And Aerith. You didn't think we'd fall for your stupid ruse, did you?"
"I reckon I got no reason to kill them, uh huh," Yuffie said. "Besides, you can't prove I did anything, uh huh."
Butch and I drew our Mako guns. Yuffie darted to the operating table, grabbed Vincent's body, and held him up in front of her. Since Vincent was taller than Yuffie, this made a rather effective shield. We lowered our guns. Yuffie backed towards the library, holding her boomerang in one hand and Vincent in the other.
Yuffie, however, had forgotten just who the previous inhabitants of the mansion were. I reached onto a shelf and grabbed a gatling gun loaded with cigarettes left by the cultists. One flick of a switch turned on the gun's minor-seeking mode, and I started firing. As cigarettes curved around Vincent towards her, Yuffie dropped the former Turk and fled. "You haven't seen the last of me, uh huh!" Yuffie shouted as she dived out the window. "I'll be back!"
For the time being, however, the world was saved. By the time we got back to Midgar, Lifestream had protected the Planet while Holy destroyed Meteor (or something like that), and it was over. AVALANCHE, of course, took the credit for even that.
At least Reeve remembered us. Although he was kind of jerk sometimes, and did hang out AVALANCHE, he was the only one who even cared about our exploits. And so, as the new president of Shinra, he reinstated me as mayor and returned my cardboard standup of Alhazad.
In other words, I was right back where I was started. I still had an office in the Shinra Building, still took orders from Shinra, and still didn't do anything. "But, hey, we saved the world," as I remarked to Hart one day as we hung out in our office. Hart was playing Solitaire on the computer, and I was going to get the door, because there was somebody waiting outside.
"The era of Mako power is over, Sephiroth is dead, Meteor is destroyed, and Yuffie won't trouble us for the time being." I reached for the door and opened it. "In fact, I'd say the only thing that could pose a threat to the world would be -- BERNIE STOLAR!!!"
"Ha ha ha! RPGs die!" Bernie laughed.
"Tortellini! Do something! Quick!" Hart shouted.
Bernie Stolar was holding a PlayStation in his hands, and he was reaching for the Power button. There was only one thing to do. I jumped on my swivel chair and sped towards Bernie. "You can't stop me!" Bernie said. "Our new console will -" I slammed into him and sent him sprawling backwards out of the office. Bernie was sucked into the portal from which he had entered our world. The portal closed up with a sucking sound, and I skidded harmlessly across the hall.
"A new Sega console? Is it Tuesday already?" Hart said.
And so it ended. We had overthrown Shinra, defeated Sephiroth, thwarted Yuffie's plans, and saved the world from Bernie Stolar's demographics. But the greatest evil had yet to be touched. AVALANCHE.
Five hundred years later...
Red XIII and two of his cubs bounded across a misty valley. They scampered up the valley wall and stopped on a high ledge. Below them lay a vast forest with a river running through it. Birds flew by overhead. And in the middle of the forest were the crumbling ruins of Midgar. Childlike laughter sounded. Standing on that cliff, staring at the forest, Red XIII and his cubs carried on a deep, philosophical conversation.
"What does this all mean, anyway?"
"Your guess is as good as mine."
"And how come the people in FF Tactics don't have any noses?"
"Son, some things in life just don't have answers."
There you have it. The true, the TRUE, story of the events of Final Fantasy 7. Hart, Palmer, and I -- and the rest of our gang -- were the true heroes. AVALANCHE did none of the work, as I'm sure you've gathered by now. But they conspired with the remnants of Shinra, the people of Cosmo Canyon, and the whole world to suppress our story. The true story of Final Fantasy 7.
And so my task now is to tirelessly fight AVALANCHE at every turn, asking only for credit where credit is due. Again and again, I am always ignored or portrayed as a villain (like that Christmas episode). But as any reader of my tragic tale knows, I am the true hero.
(cue starry background with "THE END")