The rest of my gang caught up with me on the way out of the City of the Ancients. "Hey... Tortellini," Hart shouted. I stopped. "Wait for us!"
The group caught up to me. "You weren't thinking about leaving without us, were you?" Mukki said. "We're your friends! No matter what that stupid AVALANCHE does, we're still on your side."
I was silent for a moment. "Thanks, guys," I said. "Let's go."
Butch looked up the steep canyon walls that surrounded us. "Where did you plan on going?"
"Uh... er... how did we get here anyway?"
"Sephiroth teleported us here," Hart said.
"It was a trick!" I said suddenly. "It was a trick all along! He did that just to get us trapped here! I should have known better than to trust him!"
"Hey, someone's coming," Johnny said, pointing towards two figures approaching from the south end of the canyon. "And it's not AVALANCHE."
It was Zangan and Holzoff. "Zangan! Holzoff! How did you guys get all the way up here?"
"I'm afraid to say you're no longer the mayor of Midgar," Zangan said. Although I knew it would happen eventually, it was still disappointing. "Shinra wasn't too thrilled with the Cait Sith incident. They threw us in jail, but we escaped and came up here."
"You're going with us, then?" I said, quickly recovering from my disappointment.
"No, Domino," Holzoff said solemnly. "We're quitting."
"You're what?" I gasped.
"We're quitting," Holzoff said quietly. "We've had enough. We've been through a lot for you and it's been fun, but so far we haven't got jack squat out of it. AVALANCHE's gotten all the rewards, and even if they are a bit pig-headed at times, they're the only ones who have a chance. Sorry, Domino, we're leaving."
"TRAITORS!" I shouted at the pair as they walked off into the distance.
"Just let them go, Domino," Fred said.
"Besides, they must have used a Luna Harp to get here," Hart said. "If we hurry, the path will still be open."
We scrambled back to the Sleeping Forest. Sure enough, the road through was still accessible, and we passed through (just at the last minute, of course).
"This still doesn't solve the problem of how we're going to get up those mountains," Fred said.
"I've got a plan," Hart said. "Wait here." Hart hopped into the Tiny Bronco and took off. The next day, he returned in a bizarre new vehicle that he had somehow built out of the Tiny Bronco and AVALANCHE's Gold Saucer buggy (if you're wondering where they went in Disc 2, well, now you know). "Check this out," he said by way of greeting. "This thing should be able to get up the mountains."
We hopped in Hart's combo buggy-plane and he turned the ignition. "Jerky?" I said, offering Hart a piece of jerky.
"No, actually it drives pretty smooth," Hart said.
Our buggy-plane chugged on up over the mountains and on up to Icicle Inn. "Why is it called 'Icicle Inn' when it's a whole town?" I wondered as we disembarked.
"For that matter, why are we taller than the buildings?" Fred added.
When we entered the town / inn, we immediately shrunk down to normal size. This was unfortunate, because a number of Shinra MPs were blocking the roads into town.
"Halt!" an MP said. "This town is under occupation by the Shinra corporation!"
"We have a special permit to enter the town," I said.
"You do?" the MP said suspiciously. "Let's see it."
"Um, I think I forgot I said. But can you let me in anyway?"
"No," the MP said. "Now scram."
"But we have a permit!" I protested.
"I said get out of here," the MP repeated, waving his gun vaguely in my direction.
"You get out of here," I said.
"I'm on guard duty. You get out of here."
"Well, if that's the way you're going to be, you're just going to leave."
"All right, fine," the MP said, storming off. "Hey, wait a sec!" It was too late. We had already hurried into the town and split up.
As always, the townspeople were eager to dispense with useless information, but we did manage to pick up there was a glowing light in the snowfields to the north, and that a "man in a black cape" was headed in that direction.
"That's gotta be Sephiroth," Butch said. "If we hurry, we can stop him and get the Black Materia back."
I looked down the steep path to the Great Glacier. "There's no way we're walking down that," I said. "And we left the buggy on the other side of town."
"Don't worry, I have an idea," Mukki said. He disappeared into the pub and returned shortly with a snowboard. "When I was in there earlier, I ran into some guys I met in Costa Del Sol. They came up here to go snowboarding. AVALANCHE stole one of their snowboards, though."
"A snowboard," Hart observed clinically. "Are we all going to cram on it, or what?"
"Don't worry," Johnny said. "Nobody ever said the laws of physics were important in these games."
"It's called Icicle Inn but it's a whole town, the buildings look tiny when we're not in the town but they're normal size in the town, and we can all ride on one snowboard here. This is sure a weird place."
"And they like Jerry Lewis here too," Hart added.
"Do you think we need a map?" Mukki asked.
"Nah," Fred said. "Maps are for wimps."
I took the snowboard and carried it to the edge of the trail. "Do you know how to snowboard?" Fred asked me, surprised.
"I'll learn," I said. "I can ride a swivel chair, same difference. I mean, how hard it can it be?"
"640 k should be enough for anyone -- Bill Gates," Hart said.
"Shut up, Hart."
I sat the snowboard down and stood on it. "Uh, Tortellini, it's supposed to go the long way," Mukki said.
I looked down. "Oops," I said. "I knew that." I turned the snowboard around, got back and on, and pushed off.
I was in control at first. Really. For about the first three seconds, I was in control. Things rapidly detiorated from there. The snowboard, as if being controlled by some phantasmal remote control, jerked wildly to the side. I waved my hands wildly to recover my balance and tried to lean back and dig the snowboard into the snow and stop it. This only caused the snowboard (with a helpless me attached to it) to spin up into the air. I tried to jump off, but I had forgotten that I had locked my feet onto it. I flew through the air and landed on the side of the course. My snowboard actually ran along the side for a while before spinning upside down and sending me head-first into the snow. I blacked out.
When I regained consciousness, I was skidding on my face along the snow towards a mogul. While my only semi-conscious brain was trying to assimilate this information, I smashed into the mogul. The mogul collapsed, revealing a Moogle sitting at a small wooden table and sipping tea. Irritated at being exposed, the Moogle hurled his tea cup at me. It hit me on the head and knocked me unsconscious again.
I woke up lying in the snow in the middle of a mountain pass. The rest of my party -- minus Butch -- was surrounding me, staring anxiously at me.
I looked up at them. "You know, this is really turning out to be a bad day," I said.
"That was some snowboard run, I must say," Mukki said. "I've never seen somebody go down a course on their head before."
"When you smashed a hole right through that tree -- didn't that hurt?" Johnny asked. "Or were you unconscious?"
"Please, I don't want to hear about it," I said, getting to my feet. "So where are we?"
"We're somewhere out in the middle of this Planet-forsaken glacier," Hart said. "We've been wandering through what appears to be the same mountain pass for several hours."
"It's those wacky laws of physics again," I said. My battered brain finally made the connections necessary to realize that Butch was not here. "Where's Butch?" I asked.
Fred jerked a thumb over his shoulder. I looked behind him. Butch was patrolling the sides of the mountain pass with what looked to be a metal detector. "There's supposed to be a Materia around here somewhere," he explained. "Damned if I know where it is, though."
With Butch combing the walls of the pass with his Materia detector, we set off through the biting cold. Then Fred spotted something on the wall of the pass. "Hey... I think I see something different up there!"
We ran to it, only to discover it was just a Turtle's Paradise ad. "These things are everywhere, aren't they?" Mukki said before Fred tore it down and stomped on it.
After another twenty minutes of walking, we eventually made it of the pass and out onto the snowfields. The snowfields were even worse, because the lack of the rock walls made the wind blow even harder, and we quickly became disoriented.
"We're going to die, aren't we?" Johnny said. "We're gonna die out here on this stupid glacier because someone didn't want to bring a map."
"Okay, okay, it was a mistake," Fred said.
"Where was that Materia?"
"Look! A cave!" I shouted. Using our second (more like eighth) wind, we ran for the shelter of the cave and ducked inside.
"Who's there?" a female voice said inside. It was Elena.
"Elena?" Hart said. "How did you get all the way out here?"
"I fell down the snowboard course and got lost out on the snowfields," she admitted.
"Join the club!" I said bitterly.
We sat down on some rocks. They were a bit uncomfortable, but at this point we didn't care. Unknown to Hart, another one of his Summon Materia -- Alexander -- fell out of his pocket and landed on the cave floor.
"Hey, wanna play Tic-Tac-Toe?" Butch suggested in a display of false cheeriness.
"Shut up," Johnny snapped.
"Okay," Fred agreed.
There was a long silence. We sat on the rocks, staring moodily at the walls and/or ground. Butch and Fred scraped out countless Tic-Tac-Toe grids in the ice.
"You know, the President's headed up this way," Elena said. "We're looking for the Promised Land. They should be coming in on the Highwind. If we could signal them..." She left the sentence unfinished.
"It's our only chance," I said, getting to my feet.
"Yeah, but how did you plan to signal them?" Mukki said. "There's no way we can build a fire."
"Tied again," Butch sighed, and drew another grid.
"I've got an idea," Johnny said. "We could spell out 'HELP' by walking in the snow."
"All right, we'll do it," I said, desperate enough to try any idea at this point. "I'll do the H, Hart and Johnny will get the E, Elena, you take the L, and Mukki, you get the P."
"What about Butch and Fred?" Hart protested.
"They seem to be occupied," I observed.
"Dammit, we've got the exact same result in the last thirty games!" Fred said as he and Butch tied yet again.
The five of us -- excluding Fred and Butch -- headed out into the freezing winds again to complete our mission. I stomped around in the snow, spelling out a crude "H". To my right, the rest of the crew worked at their own letters.
"All right, I'm done with the L," Mukki reported, walking up to me.
"I thought you were doing the P," I said.
Mukki was silent for a moment. "Oops," he said.
I climbed up on top of the cave and looked down on our message. It said just what I thought it did. "Actually, it does describe this place pretty well," I said.
Since there was no real way to change the message and we weren't about to make another one, we headed back inside the cave. "Animal, plant, or mineral?" Fred was saying to Butch.
"So who won?" I asked.
"Nobody," Butch shrugged. "We gave up. Mineral."
"Is it a metal?"
We sat back down on the rather uncomfortable rocks, hoping that somebody would see our message and stop, for curiosity's sake if nothing else. About twenty minutes later, we heard the sounds of engines outside and rushed out to look.
The Highwind (originally the Hart) was descending to land near our cave. "We're saved!" Fred exulted. "Is it shiny?"
"No," Butch said.
Rufus walked up on deck and looked down at us. "Domino," he said. "I guess I should have expected you were behind this." He looked towards our work. "Why the, uh, hell have you done that out there?"
"We thought this place needed a label," I explained. "Well, to tell the truth, it was a mistake. We meant to write out 'HELP'."
"I figured as much," Rufus said. "Well, get on. We don't have all day."
"Thank you, Mr. President, sir," I said. It was always a good idea to suck up to Rufus.
We boarded the Highwind. Rufus nodded towards the rear of the massive vehicle. "You guys can sit in the back."
"I thought we agreed to cut the PaRappa references."
"All right, sit wherever you want," Rufus said, turning to go back down into the airship. "Oh... Elena," he said, noticing the Turk. "What happened to you?"
"It's a long story, Mr. President," Elena said. She walked by Rufus and descended the stairs.
"Has Elena filled you in on the mission?" Rufus asked me as the airship took back off and continued north.
"You're -- I mean, we're looking for the Promised Land," I said. I looked down at the glacier. "That description doesn't exactly apply to this place, though."
"Hojo is quite confident that the Promised Land is in this region," Rufus said.
"Hojo's here?" I said, surprised. "Is he still wearing that Hawaiian shirt? If he is, I might have to shoot him."
"No, he's not," Rufus said with a slight grin.
"Mr. President!" Scarlet said, walking up onto deck. "Mr. President, sir, we're finally picking up something." Rufus followed Scarlet down into the Highwind, leaving our party alone up on the deck.
"Is it tin?" Fred asked.
"Nope."
"Why do you suppose they let us on?" I asked Hart.
Hart considered this. "Maybe because Elena was with us?"
"But Rufus didn't even notice Elena until we were up on deck."
"Hmmmm..." Hart said. "You don't suppose they're up to no good, do you?"
"That's what I'm afraid of."
"Shinra's always up to no good." Johnny joined the conversation.
"Well, look at this way -- whatever they do to us couldn't be worse than being stranded on that awful glacier," I said.
"But, Tortellini, they might be planning to have us write The Family Circus," Johnny protested. "Or even worse, Mr. Boffo."
The airship started to rise. We were nearing the Gaea Cliffs at the end of the glacier. Inside the airship, we -- Rufus, Scarlet, Hojo, Elena, and my party -- were all anxiously watching the Mako reader. Reeve was conspiciously absent, but kept issuing a series of report on AVALANCHE's progress in the same direction.
"We've just defeated a dragon that spontaneously showed up in front of us for no apparent reason," Reeve said. "We're on the rim of the crater now. Y'all'd better hurry up!"
"All right, when we reach the crater," Rufus said, pacing the room, "Domino, I want you and your friends to parachute down into the crater."
"Into the crater, sir? Isn't that dangerous?" I asked.
"The glacier's still not far away," Rufus said. "We could take you back there, if you like."
"So this is what they wanted us for," Hart whispered to Johnny.
"Yes, sir!" I said, saluting.
"You want to go back to the glacier?"
"No, I meant we'll parachute in," I said. "Mr. President," I added.
"Good," Rufus said, running a hand through his air. I resisted the urge to comment on it. "Your mission, and you will accept it, is to stop AVALANCHE at all costs. They're on their way to the crater, too, and we don't want the Promised Land falling into their hands. Damn do-gooders. Honestly, you have to wonder how they expect big evil companies to make any money these days."
"All right, this'll be cool," I said to my friends. "We get to beat up AVALANCHE."
The airship passed over the top of the Gaea Cliffs. "Mr. President, look!" Scarlet said, staring out the window.
The Highwind was flying over a large circular white crater on the tableland above the Gaea Cliffs. Spewing out of the crater was a vast white fountain of pure Mako energy. "This is truly the Promised Land of Mako energy," Rufus said, staring out the window. "A perfect location for Midgar II... it's new! It's not necessarily improved! Now with less fat!"
"All right, Domino, do your thing," Scarlet said. "Kyaa haa haa!"
We fetched some parachutes and marched up onto the deck of the Highwind. "She did mean to jump now, right?" Fred said. "At least, that's what I hope she meant."
We jumped off the airship. "Domino," Hart said as we fell. He did not notice his last Summon Materia, Neo Bahamut, fall out of his pocket and spiral down into the crater. "I know you don't like AVALANCHE, but don't forget, Shinra's the real bad guys, not them."
Our jump landed us on a small green rocky cliff near the edge of the crater. There was only one way to go, so we set off towards the center of the crater. We soon noticed that the black-robed cultists we'd seen in Nibelheim were here as well. "It's those guys again", as Mukki put it.
We spent quite a while trying to navigate a series of windy passes. While battling a Wind Wing (we insulted them until they fled in tears), we saw AVALANCHE race by, but we were too busy with the battle to try to stop them.
After we finally got past the passes, the rocky path turned into a long spiral leading upwards, and it was swarming with cultists -- and AVALANCHE. One of the cultists shuffled towards Cid. "Hey, you," it rasped. "Want a smoke?"
"Sure," Cid took a cigarette from the tobacco executive and lit it. "Thanks, man."
"No problem," the cultist said. "Feel free to have as many as you'd like." It cackled evily and shuffled back to join the others.
"Generous fellow," Cid remarked, stuffing the pack of cigarettes the cultist had given him in his pocket. "Maybe these guys aren't so bad after all."
"Hey you!" Hart shouted, running past AVALANCHE and shaking his fist at the cultist. "You've caused billions of gil of health problems! I'm suing!"
The cultists started to throw themselves off the path and down into the swirling pools of Mako. "Wow..." Hart said. "Did I do that?"
At that point, Sephiroth dropped down from the sky. "What's happening?" he asked, seeing his servants throwing them into the Mako. "Stop!" The tobacco guys continued to dive off as Hart scribbled out a rudimentary lawsuit. "I command you, stop!" Sephiroth waved the Masamune around for emphasis.
"Quick, hide!" I said, pushing Hart behind a rock and ducking down there myself. The others followed my example.
We watched as Sephiroth summoned up Jenova yet again. AVALANCHE smashed her up, then Sephiroth flew off, dropping the Black Materia as he did.
"The Materia!" I cried, diving out from behind the rock and diving for the Materia. "I got it!" I collided with Yuffie, who was also running for it, and we both fell to the ground. "I don't got it!"
Cloud grabbed the Black Materia, but Mukki plowed into him and he dropped it. Barret made a dive for it, but realized too late he was trying to pick it up with his gun-arm. Butch ducked under Cid's legs, punched Cait Sith off his Moogle, and scooped up the Materia. He got back up to see Vincent pointing his (Vincent's) gun in his (Butch's) face.
"Fred! Go long!" Butch said. Fred raced up the spiraling path and Butch hurled the Materia to him. Just as he caught it, Red XIII leapt at him and knocked him down.
"Fumble," Red XIII said dryly, picking up the Materia in one paw and trotting back towards AVALANCHE.
"Hey! Pass interference! Fifteen yard penalty!" Fred shouted, lying on the ground. "Get back here!" Meanwhile, Cloud, Tifa, and Vincent took advantage of the confusion and sprinted up the path towards the center of the crater.
"Sorry," Sephiroth said, dropping back out of the sky and landing in the middle of AVALANCHE. "Quarter's over. Now for the halftime show." He raised his hands and Red XIII vanished into a black void. Sephiroth then himself vanished.
"What happened?" Johnny asked.
"I don't have a clue," I replied.
A loud roar signified the arrival of the Highwind. Rufus was standing on the deck. "Well, Domino," he said over the sound of the engines. "You seem to have failed your mission."
"What?" Barret said, staring at me. "You been workin' for the damn Shinra this whole time?"
"No, that's not it," I protested. "I -"
"President Rufus, Sephiroth's taken the Black Materia!" Cait Sith interrupted. "If we don't get it back from him, it could mean the end of the world as we know it! ...I always wanted to say that."
Rufus considered this. "All right," he said. "We'll worry about the Promised Land later. Get on the airship. We're going to the core."
"We?" Mukki said. "How many people you got in there?"
We boarded the Highwind. "Jes' whose side are you on, cat?" Barret asked Cait Sith as we headed to the core.
"Look, I got us a free ride, didn't I?"
"Good point."
"How did you guys get through that glacier, anyway?" I asked Cid.
"Some mountain climber guy named Holzoff helped us," Cid replied, in a rare quote free of swearing.
"Holzoff," I spat. "That traitor."
On the Highwind, it was a quick ride to the core, which was made entirely of crystallized Mako -- in other words, Materia. "You guys stay here," Rufus said to the four AVALANCHE members.
"I wonder if he means us too," I said.
"Let's presume he doesn't," Hart said. We jumped down onto the stone path and entered the core, where Rufus, Scarlet, and Hojo already were.
"This is it?" Hojo was asking, disappointed.
Rufus looked around the room. "It's that kind of dullness that makes you a second-rate scientist."
"If you're looking for a replacement, I do have my resume with me," Hart said eagerly.
"Shut up, Domino," Rufus said.
"I'm not Domino."
"Well, all of you. You're only long because it would be more of an effort not to take you. Don't expect anything from us."
"You mean we don't get any Frequent Flier miles?" Butch asked, aghast. The whole room started to shake. "I'll take that as a no."
"It's iron, isn't it?" Fred suddenly asked.
"Yup."
Scarlet pointed at the wall. "Something in there's moving!"
Hojo looked at Rufus and Scarlet and pushed his glasses up his nose. "I did tell you about Weapon, didn't I?"
"No," Rufus said bluntly.
"It's a monster created by the Planet to defend itself in times of crisis," Hojo said. "According to Professor Gast's report, that is."
"I never saw that report," Rufus said. "Where it is?"
Hojo reached into his lab coat and produced a sheaf of papers. "Here, right here."
"You keep a lot of things to yourself," Rufus said, taking the report and starting to examine it.
The room started shaking harder. "You know, I really don't think it's safe in here," Mukki said.
"Stop, drop, and roll!" I cried. "No, wait, that's for fires."
There was a loud sound like a woodchuck caught in a vaccuum cleaner and a dazed Cloud, Tifa, and Vincent appeared. "Hey!! Where did you come from?" Scarlet demanded.
"It's a long process," Vincent said. "First, the sperm fertilizes the egg, and then -"
"No, you idiot, how did you just get here?"
"This is where the Reunion is happening," Cloud said dreamily. "Where everything begins and ends."
Red XIII suddenly dashed into the room, carrying the Black Materia in his teeth. "Here's your Materia!" he said, throwing the Materia to Cloud with a jerk of his head. Cloud caught it.
"Gosh, everybody's here, aren't they?" Butch said. "We could have a real party here."
"I brought some Doritos, if anybody wants them," I offered, producing a battered bag from my pocket. "They got kind of beat up on that snowboard ride, though."
Sephiroth's voice suddenly resounded through the core. "Cloud! Give me the Materia!"
"Everyone... thanks for everything," Cloud said. "And... I'm sorry. I'd like to apologize to all of you." He turned to Red XIII. "I apologize." Next Cloud turned to Tifa. "I apologize." Cloud turned to Vincent. "I apologize." He then turned to Rufus. "I apologize."
"All right, all right, we get the idea!" Johnny shouted. "Get on with the show!"
"What is happening, anyway?" I asked.
"I don't have a clue," Hart replied. "I got lost about the time we got out of Midgar."
"Ha!" Hojo said. "This is just as I expected. You there, where's your tattoo? What's your ID number?"
"I... I don't have a number," Cloud said, hanging his head. "I do have a cool tattoo of a Chocobo with rabies on my left big toe, though."
"What?" Hojo said, shocked. "Only the failure survived?"
"Please!" Cloud said. "Give me a number, Professor! I want to have a number -" His voice trailed off when he suddenly flew up to the ceiling and stuck there.
"This has really not been a good day for the laws of physics," Mukki observed.
"Mother Nature must have called in sick," Butch shrugged.
"What was all that about?" Rufus asked.
"He was one of the clones of Sephiroth," Hojo said. "Or something like that. Hell, I'm behind it all, and even I don't understand the storyline! He was a failure, but he has proved my theory about Jenova's Reunion. You see, all the carriers of the cells of Jenova gravitate towards Jenova. I thought they would all head to Midgar, but even Jenova herself left. But being the genius that I am, I soon figured things out. Sephiroth was controlling the clones -- and Jenova."
"I just need somebody to play Parcheesi with!" Sephiroth's voice boomed in response.
"I never was chasing Sephiroth," Cloud, still stuck to the ceiling, said. "He was controlling me. Sephiroth... the Black Materia... here it is." Cloud reached into the translucent cocoon in the ceiling that held Sephiroth's body and handed him the Black Materia.
"Stop! STOP!" Tifa shouted.
"It's too late!" Rufus said. "We'd better leave, quick! Come with me!"
The core started to collapse. We fled just as the ceiling caved in and ran to the Highwind. "That's a misplaced modifier, you know," Hojo said.
"Shut up, Hojo," Rufus said.
The core continued to crumble as the Highwind's engines started. Nothing happened. "It's not working!" Rufus exclaimed.
"Mr. President!" Scarlet said, staring out the window. "The whole crater's collapsing. We've got to get out now."
Rufus's eyes fell on a sign on the wall. It read: "Maximum approved capacity for this airship is: 12 persons. Excessive weight may prevent airship from taking off."
There was silence.
"Domino, get off the airship," Rufus said.
"What kind of a word is 'persons?'" I demanded as Barret and Cid forced up the stairs and off the Highwind. "That's almost as bad as 'pre-order!'"
| Next chapter: In Which We Sit Around For a Long Time and Do Nothing |