The Highwind soared off out of the rapidly-collapsing crater. "We're in trouble," Fred observed.
Five huge monsters burst out of the core as it completely imploded on itself. It did not take me long to figure out it was Weapon. "Quick! We've got to jump one of those things!" Johnny shouted over the loud cries of the Weapons.
I hesitated, but Hart and Johnny quickly jumped on the back of the purple dragon-like one (which I later learned was the Ultima Weapon). Fred followed them on. Seeing no other alternative, I climbed on with Butch. Mukki struggled to get on and resorted to clinging to the Weapon's tail.
The thing flew out of the crater. Seeing the escaping Highwind, it shrieked and pursued it. It seemed capable of flying no faster than the Highwind, however, and the airship got away. The Ultima Weapon continued to pursue it with a mindless determination until the vehicle parked in Junon.
The Ultima Weapon stopped. We waited for it to fly off somewhere. It didn't. It merely sat, staring at the city. "Is this thing broken or something?" Mukki wondered.
After about fifteen minutes, Fred and Butch exchanged glances. "Animal, plant, or mineral?" Butch asked.
Eventually, the Ultima Weapon decided to stop staring at Junon and fly somewhere. At first, we were thrilled, but we quickly realized that it was not going anywhere in particular, and we were soon reduced to listening to Butch and Fred's 20 Questions games. At least the scenery was changing now.
"I think it's defective," Johnny said. "Let's take it back to the Planet and get a refund."
The Ultima Weapon turned its head, and I saw a brief flash of writing in the space between the back of its crested head and its body. I peered down in the crack and tried to make out the words. "The Planet is not liable for any damages, incidental or otherwise, to person or property caused by this Weapon. In other words, if you suck the life out of the Planet and get attacked, it's your own damn fault. The same applies for any morons who try to hitch a ride on its back. NOT INTENDED FOR USE AS A FLOTATION DEVICE."
"Well, I guess that settles that," Fred said.
"Is it a tree?" Butch asked.
There weren't any other alternatives to speak of, so we continued to ride the Ultima Weapon around on its aimless wandering. Eventually, when over Midgar, we spotted the Highwind flying by. "Hey!" Hart shouted, jumping up and down. "Over here! HELP!"
"Don't worry," Mukki said. "I think they're already seen us."
The Highwind was flying directly towards the Ultima Weapon. As it neared, we could see Shinra MPs and SOLDIERs lining its decks, armed with bazookas. The Highwind passed under the Ultima Weapon, the troops started firing. The shells exploded harmlessly on the Weapon's armored skin. We huddled down behind the dragon-like creature's head, praying that none of the shells would hit us.
"Hey! Down there! HELP!" Fred shouted.
Either the MPs didn't hear him (which seemed likely), or they were choosing to ignore us. "Let's jump," Butch suggested.
The Highwind was just about directly under the Ultima Weapon now. We climbing backwards down the side of the Ultima Weapon. One of the MPs gave us a puzzled glance and raised his bazooka to fire at us. We quickly dropped off the Ultima Weapon and onto the deck of the airship.
The troops looked quizically at us, wondering why a bunch of average-looking guys had just jumped off a huge dragon and onto the deck of an airship. I guess I would have too if I was in their situation.
"Hey, aren't you that Domino guy?" a SOLDIER said.
"Er... Domino? Who's that?"
The SOLDIER jerked a thumb towards the stairs. "Throw them in the Chocobo pen," he said to the MPs.
Several MPs seized us and hurried us to the Highwind's Chocobo holding room, where they rudely tossed us in and slammed the door in our face. We heard the sound of retreating footsteps.
I looked around the small square room. Much of the room was taken up by an obese yellow Chocobo, which sat on some straw bedding in the corner. Next to it were some cabinets containing Chocobo supplies. "WAAARK!" the Fat Chocobo bellowed.
"Man, that Chocobo stinks," Fred said, wrinkling his nose.
I opened up the cabinets. There were Chocobo greens, nuts, collars, saddles, and some anti-mite soap. Johnny pointed at the soap. "Soap!" he said. "Let's make a soap gun."
We quickly set off on making a soap gun. After several hours of work (and a whole lot of soap), we managed to fashion something that, with some imagination, could be called an AK-47. Now we just had to wait.
About twenty minutes after completing the soap gun, an MP dropped by to give us our lunch. We hadn't eaten in the last two days (being stuck on the back of the Ultima Weapon), so I was almost reluctant to threaten the guy, but Johnny insisted.
"Freeze!" Johnny shouted, reaching behind his back and whipping out the soap gun. "Don't move, I've got a loaded AK-47."
"Oh yeah, the rare albino model," the MP snorted. "Do you really think you'd fool me with that pathetic excuse for a soap gun? Please, don't waste my time." The MP slammed the door. There were no footsteps, so we assumed he was still outside the cell.
There wasn't anything else to do, so we had lunch. I was about to eat a carrot where I noticed Johnny staring at it. "What?" I asked.
"Don't eat that," Johnny said. "I'm coming up with another plan."
"Great, MacGyver," Hart said. "What is it?"
"A pencil! Some moldy cheese! We could make a motorcycle!" Fred said.
"I'm still working on it," Johnny admitted. "But I think it's gonna get us out of here. The only question is what to do when we escape."
"Parachute down?" Mukki suggested.
"We don't even know where we are," Butch said. "We could wind up in the middle of the ocean or on that stupid glacier."
"How about taking over the airship?" Hart said.
"With what? That soap gun?" I said, pointing at the pathetic-looking gun.
Fred had been listening at the door. "Sssh!" he cautioned from the door. "Someone's coming."
We quickly broke off our discussion as the door to the Chocobo pen opened. A Highwind crew member entered with a leash and collar. "I have to take the Chocobo for a walk," the crew member, fastening the leash on our obese cellmate.
"Hey... wait a sec!" Hart whispered as the crew member started to leave. "You don't work for the Shinra, do you?"
"Not really. I'm just one of the airship's crew members, but Shinra owns the airship."
"How'd you like to own it?" Hart said. "I'm Hart -- the one who built this baby. You did know it used to be called the Hart, didn't you?"
"No kidding! You're Hart? Really?" the crew member said.
"Yeah," Hart said. "So how about it? We're taking over this airship -- are you helping?"
The crew member looked around nervously. "All right," he said. "But I can't let you out of the cell. There's guards in the hall."
"I know," Hart said. "We've got a plan to take care of that. Is the meeting room going to be in use today?"
"No, I don't think so."
"Good. What I want you to do is leave two crew member uniforms in the meeting room. We're going to be breaking out shortly and we're going to need a disguise."
"All right, will do," the crew member said. He then left with the giant Chocobo.
When he was gone, I started to pace the room. "Okay, we've got a plan to escape -- or at least Johnny does -- and a disguise when we get out... but then what?"
There was no response. Nobody had any ideas. "We don't need to fight the Shinra guys," Mukki said after a while. "If we have some weapons or a bomb or something we can just force them to do what we want."
"A bomb," Fred said. "That would work. They've all got weapons to, but a bomb is going to scare them into doing what we say."
"Yeah, but how are we going to make a bomb?" I asked.
"It doesn't have to be a real bomb," Butch cut in. "As long as they think it's a bomb..."
At this point, the Highwind crew guy returned with the fat Chocobo. "I left two uniforms in the meeting room like you said," he whispered.
"Are Chocobo droppings explosive?" I asked.
The Highwind crew stared at me with an expression of shock. "I have no idea," he replied eventually.
"And that's the Chocobo expert," I said. "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Domino," Hart said. "But next time, you put the trousers on the chimp."
I took one of the bags that our lunches had come in and stuffed it full of all the Chocobo droppings I could find. Then I took the battery-powered clock from the top of the cabinet and put it -- quietly ticking -- in too. "There's our bomb," I said.
"Don't you think they're going to get kind of suspicious if we're carrying that around?" Mukki asked.
"I'll take care of that," I said. I took a marker and wrote "SUSPICIOUS PACKAGE" on the bag. "There. Now they'll think it's a joke, and when we get to the command room, we can just flip it over to the blank side."
"Great," Hart said. "All right, Johnny, do your thing."
Johnny nodded, walked to the door, and pounded on it. The Shinra MP guarding the hall opened it. "Yeah?"
"I need to go to the bathroom," Johnny said.
"Yeah, right," the MP said. "Do you think I'm gonna fall for that? First the soap gun and now this. You must be really desperate." The MP slammed the door shut again.
"That wasn't your plan, was it?" Butch asked tensely.
"Of course not," Johnny said. "That was just to get the guy off his guard. Tortellini, give me that carrot." I handed Johnny the carrot. Johnny took the water from his lunch and poured a trail of it on the floor from the Chocobo bedding to the door. He then held the carrot up to the Chocobo, making sure the bird recognized it.
"Fetch!" Johnny shouted, throwing the carrot at the door. "WARRRK!" the Chocobo cried, stumbling to its feet and running to catch the carrot. It slipped on the water, fell on its large rear, skidded across the room, and smashed through the door, completely demolishing it and taking a good chunk of the frame with it as well.
We watched in exultation as the Chocobo bowled down the hallway. The guard stared at the huge yellow mass rolling towards him and had time for a brief yelp before it crushed him. The Chocobo rolled into the far wall and bounced off, dazed.
Hart and I rushed out into the hallway and ducked into the control room. As promised, two crew uniforms were awaiting us. We put them over our normal clothes and ran to the control room, armed with our fake bomb.
"Whatcha got there?" an MP asked us. He cocked his head at an angle and tried to read what was on the bag.
I held it up with a grin. "Suspicious package," I said.
The MP chuckled and walked off. I set the bag down on top of the control panel and sauntered over to join the other crew members. Shortly thereafter, the SOLDIER in command strolled by. "Are you guys watching 60 Minutes or something?" he asked. The crew shook their heads. "'Cause I keep hearing some ticking sound."
One of the MPs -- not the one who had confronted us -- pointed at the bag on the control panel. "It's a bomb!" the MP shouted.
I whirled to face the SOLDIER. "That's right!" I said. "We've got a bomb and we're taking over this airship!" Hart and I threw off my crew uniform. "Domino to the rescue!" I cried.
"You!" the SOLDIER said. Then he stared at us. "How did you make a bomb? I bet that's no bomb, it's just a clock."
"It's made from Chocobo droppings," Hart explained. "Don't touch it; it'll go off."
The SOLDIER ignored him, opened the bag, and peered inside. "Ha!" he said triumphantly. "It is just a clock." He pulled the clock out, which by now was dripping with Chocobo dung. "Eeewww... what have you guys done to this?" The SOLDIER dropped the clock on the floor and stepped back.
"Looks like Chocobo dung," an MP said. "Smells like it too."
"We're in trouble," Hart whispered to me as the SOLDIER grabbed the dung-coated bag, wrinkled it up, and tossed it in the airship incinerator.
A huge explosion suddenly erupted from the incinerator, incinerating the SOLDIER and most of the MPs. Hart dived away from the explosion and tackled me, although it really wouldn't have done any good. Luckily, the crew members were unharmed, as they were far enough way from the blast. The floor was severely charred, though.
"Holy swords, Batman," Hart breathed. "That stuff really is explosive!"
The remaining MPs threw down their weapons and backed away from us in fear. "That was awesome!" one of the crew members said. "You guys rock! Who are you?"
"I'm Mayor Domino of Midgar," I said. "Or, I used to be."
"You changed your name?" a crew member asked.
"No, stupid, I'm not the mayor anymore," I said. "And this is Hart, the guy who built this airship."
"Hi," Hart said, waving to the crew.
"And I helped them," one of the crew -- the Chocobo guy -- said proudly. "Honestly, I had no idea that it would blow up like that."
"Neither did we," I said. I was still shaken by the sudden and violent explosion.
"I never liked those Shinra anyway," a crew member remarked.
"Neither do we," I said. "This airship now belongs to you guys. Use it well -- preferably to kick Shinra round."
"You're not staying around?" the Chocobo guy asked, disappointed. "Can I have your autograph?"
I immediately gave my autograph. This was great! At last we were the heroes. Unfortunately, our fame would be short lived.
"I was thinking we should move on to Fort Condor to rally the anti-Shinra forces there," I said. I had wanted to drop by Fort Condor since the beginning of our adventures, but I'd never had a chance. "You're in charge of aerial division."
"The rest of our crew is in Junon," one crew member mused. "We'll probably go on to there to pick them up. But we'll drop you off at Fort Condor first."
| Next chapter: In Which We Steal Some Huge Materia |