11/29/06

Some people complain that I'm much too negative.  Those people might want to turn off their computers for the rest of the day, pull up a newspaper, and read the latest heartwarming installment of Family Circus. 

I've got nothin' nice to say today, and it's all about Sega.  You know that next-generation Sonic the Hedgehog game that was supposed to save the franchise?  It's crap.  Nearly every professional game reviewer agrees, with the exception of Dave Halverson... and even the eternally "optimistic" editor of Play magazine was pressured to knock his score down from a 9.5 to an 8.5.  This has to be a historical moment!  Dave Halverson, the guy who just couldn't get enough of Cybermorph, has finally found a game that left a bad taste in his mouth after shamelessly kissing its ass.

Let me illustrate to you just how poorly received the game has been.  Remember Sneak King, the stealth action title sold at a fast food restaurant for a few dollars?  That game is getting better ratings than Sonic the Hedgehog

Wait, there's more!  Did you hear about the Game Boy Advance remake of the very first Sonic the Hedgehog game?  Well, it's been released, and it's completely terrible.  It's like someone took the Genesis title we all loved as kids and fed it through the rusty meat grinder of half-assed American game design (hey, just like Sega's other GBA "gems" Comix Zone and Revenge of Shinobi!).  Even Play couldn't give this one the thumbs up, although their review is predictably near the top of the heap of low ratings on MetaCritic.  Let's again put this into perspective... the latest Veggie Tales, NickToons, and Naruto games all received higher scores than this piece of crap.

This is the 21st century, Sega.  Your days as a big game developer are long gone; flushed down the crapper when you cancelled the Dreamcast and snuffed out what little love that gamers had left for you.  Maybe this isn't clear to you yet, but now that your most promising developers have vacated and your other flagship titles have been left rotting on the vine for years, Sonic is ALL YOU HAVE LEFT.  You don't have many more chances to get it right.

LOST PLANET EQUALS LOST EYESIGHT: Some people just never learn! In a recent demo version of Lost Planet, players were horrified to discover that Capcom brought back the microscopic text in the company's last Xbox 360 release, Dead Rising. Will this be fixed in the final release, or does Capcom just like to torture its fans? · · · THOSE ARE THE BREAKS!: Complaints are coming in from disgruntled Wii owners that the system's remote flies out of their hands and into their expensive television sets while playing Wii Sports Bowling. Nintendo offers a wrist strap as a precautionary measure, but the strap can (and will) break during strenuous gaming sessions. · · · STEP UP TO THE BAR: Unsatisfied with the wired sensor bar included with the Nintendo Wii, gamers have experimented with various replacements. One is a homemade wireless bar powered with AA batteries. The other is a pair of... wait, wax candles? Gaming blog Destructoid claims they work, but then again, Destructoid claims a lot of things. · · ·

11/25/06

If there's one wish I have for this generation of consoles, it's that it will spark renewed interest in the simple but endlessly fun games I remember from my youth.  Over the past ten years, video games have gotten longer and deeper, without actually going anywhere.  The Tony Hawk series is a perfect example... the developers keep stretching the stages and dumping dozens of new tricks into each new sequel, thinking that more random features will automatically result in an improved experience.  They're not only wrong, but are pushing away both newcomers who can't deal with the added complexity, and purists who'd rather skate than play what has become an RPG on wheels.

With luck, the industry will distance itself from this distressing trend over the next five years, instead of more tightly embracing it.  After all, what's the point of playing a video game for eighty hours when half that time will be spent hunting down slimes, or sailing around the globe for submerged Triforce pieces?  And why give players fourteen thousand different moves when they'd be just as happy- and certainly less confused- with a few dozen of them?

All I'm saying is that game developers need to recognize the difference between improving on a winning formula and burying it under a pile of extraneous features.  Nintendo claims that its Wii will do just that, bringing accessibility and fun back to an industry which has become obsessed with placating a small but vocal audience.  Let's hope they keep this promise, and that their competitors will be inspired to follow in their footsteps.

THE PRICE OF LOYALTY: When fanboys and eager eBay sellers riot over the chance to buy a PS3, someone has to clean up the mess. And in Thomas Menino's opinion, that someone should be Sony. The Boston mayor demanded that the electronics giant cough up big bucks for all the damage done to the city in the wake of the PS3 launch. · · · WII DISCONNECT: The Wii online service, called WiiConnect24, is now active, allowing players to purchase and download classic video games. Sadly, not much else is available at the moment. You can't surf the Internet, you can't check the news or weather, and you can't even play against other Wii owners online. Try harder, Nintendo. · · · WELL, EXCUUUUSE ME, NERDS!: At the Massachusettes Institute of Technology, the term "geek" is not an insult, but rather a badge of honor that must be earned through feats of extreme dorkiness. One example is the Triforce some daring dweeb planted on top of one of the buildings on campus. Now there's a man who's earned his pocket protector! · · ·

11/19/06

Well, it's finally out!  No, not the Wii... I'm talking about the third chapter of Systematix 2006.  I was more than a little verbose in my reviews of the worst game consoles to be released in the last thirty years, so I hope you'll bear with me.

Now on to the news!  Apparently Bill O'Reilly (the man responsible for such upstanding journalistic endeavors as A Current Affair and his own nightly blabfest) has an axe to grind with gamers.  In one of his recent rants, he blamed the violence that broke out in some lines for the Playstation 3 on the system itself, along with our society's dependence on machines.  Well, you know there Bill, there's one machine in our society that numbs more minds than any other.  It's called a television set, and I'll be sure to turn it off the next time your show airs.

Jerks like O'Reilly make me ashamed to call myself a Luddite.  At least I want people to make the most of the technology they already have, instead of throwing it all in the garbage!

RESERVE JUDGMENT: Bad news for anyone who reserved a Playstation 3 at GameStop. We're talking really, really terrible news. Only half the people who pre-ordered the system will get one, due to the even lower than expected supply of units. Gamers who get screwed out of their reserve get a free budget-priced game as a booby prize. Yay? · · · HEART-STOPPING ACTION: The Wii could be a killer system, and not just for fat guys who can't handle the exercise! Early reports suggest that the system's remote controller will interfere with pacemakers. If true, this might put a crimp in Nintendo's plans to sell the console to the rocker-jockey set. · · · LITTLE TRANSACTIONS, BIG COST: Electronic Arts is hooked on microtransactions, and they just can't admit they've got a problem. When asked about the decision to charge real walking around money for items in the Xbox 360 version of The Godfather, reps from EA responded that it's all about choice for the user. As opposed to big bucks for you? · · ·

11/14/06

Three days and counting until the Playstation 3 is released... and two days after that, we'll be treated to the Wii.  I haven't had any hands-on experience with the latter system, but I did give the PS3 a quick spin at Target last week (you know, the week I didn't update).  I gotta say that I wasn't impressed.  Motorstorm in particular is nothing special at all; it's just last-gen gaming with a shiny new luster.  The developers tried to find a halfway point between the down and dirty thrill of off-road racing and the visceral impact of Burnout, but in the end, you're just left with a lot of pretty explosions on the top of a jagged (sometimes not intentionally) mesa.  Hmm... come to think of it, the game isn't as lustrous as you'd think after all the hype.

As for the Wii, the news that Nintendo is already working on a DVD-enabled model has got me thinking that I'd better wait on a purchase.  Come on, guys, this was the system you were supposed to give us in the first place!  I was willing to buy minor upgrades like the Game Boy Advance SP, Game Boy Micro, and DS Lite, but my generosity only extends so far.  Sorry Nintendo, but this time, I'm holding onto my money until you do things right.

Before I go, there's a new chapter of the Pac-Man history page on the site.  Go read it, will 'ya?

BUSHNELL BUSHWHACKS PLAYSTATION 3: Atari founder Nolan Bushnell looked into his woodgrain-lined crystal ball and predicted doom for the Playstation 3 in a recent interview with Red Herring. Bushnell claims that a high price tag and user-hostile development tools will ultimately be the system's undoing. · · · SANTORUM CLEANED UP: When you attack video games, sometimes the games fight back. That's what Senator Rick Santorum discovered when he was defeated in a Pennsylvania election after airing an ad which tried to get political mileage out of vilifying the industry. Unfortunately, Conneticut's Joe Lieberman managed to retain his own Senate seat. · · · SEX AND VIOLENCE: Dead or Alive creator Tomunobu Itagaki may have picked a fight he just can't win. Itagaki was recently accused by a Tecmo employee of sexual harassment. The company turned a deaf ear to the woman's accusations at first, but could no longer ignore them once the Japanese press caught wind of the story. · · ·

11/07/06

The third chapter of Josh Lesnick's Pac-Man retrospective is comin' right at 'ya!  This time, the celebrated underground artist and former editor of Video Apocalypse chronicles Pac-Man's comeback in the late 1980's, reviewing everything from proto-platformer Pac-Land to the rather loose conversion of Ms. Pac-Man for the Sega Genesis.

0 TO 60 IN TEN MINUTES?: Arcade racing fans who want to get the best possible experience from Ridge Racer 7 will have to put it in park and wait ten minutes to install software on their Playstation 3 hard drives. Joystiq reports that the installation is optional, but recommended to keep load times at a minimum. · · · AND THE BEAT GOES ON: One very handy feature from the Xbox and Xbox 360 may be coming to a Nintendo Wii near you. Kotaku reports that the Wii may give players the option to choose their own soundtracks for games, using MP3s stored on SD cards. There's no news on whether or not this feature can be used with external hard drives. · · · CAPCOM CASH CRUNCH: In a recent interview, a representative from Capcom expressed frustration with the rising costs of software development in the 21st century. His solution, aside from closing Clover Studios? Cross-platform releases that let the company squeeze every ounce of profit from its properties. · · ·

11/03/06

Wow, I feel like I've stepped into Bizarro World!  GamePro (yes, the game magazine with almost as much street cred as Tickle Me Elmo) is taking over the Electronic Entertainment Expo, and Phil Collins is complaining that people aren't taking him seriously as a recording artist.  Hey Phil, that'll happen when you spend six years crooning about orphaned bears and gorillas who sound (and look... and smell!) just like Rosie O'Donnell.

There's good news, though.  Someone has finally recognized the brilliance of Solomon's Key, the best puzzle game not designed by shaggy Russian number crunchers.  It will be one of the first titles released for Nintendo's Virtual Console service, along with other unappreciated classics such as Ristar and Super Star Soldier. 

Oddly, no light gun games are included in the list of launch titles for the Virtual Console, but hopefully, Nintendo will rectify this gross oversight in time to satisfy the itchy trigger fingers of Wii owners by the end of the year.  And while you're at it, guys, give us the arcade version of Duck Hunt so we can finally shoot that blasted dog!