Mengshi stared with great intent at the toaster, as if doing so would somehow make her French toast come out faster. The moment burned itself directly into her consciousness, calling great attention to itself just like everything she did. They were the little slice-of-life moments that once she drifted by without a second thought but which she could no longer take for granted. Even fixing breakfast had a striking importance in her senses. She felt she was finally listening now, instead of just hearing.
She was lucky to be alive, that was terribly obvious. Well, heck, they were all blessed to be given a chance at a life, but what she meant was that the circumstances she faced could very well have claimed her for good. Many did not get the kind of second (and third and fourth) chances she always seemed to. And she was a little frustrated that in spite of all she had been given, she would always find ways her life could be improved. Some things would always annoy her, some things she would always wish for - shouldn't she be able to better put things in perspective? She should be continually happy and grateful that she wasn't still rotting in hell, right? But ... well, like Quisty had said, the world could keep getting better. No harm in wishing for even more beauty.
And in the end, she mused as she drenched her French toast in blackberry syrup, this experience had done more to bolster her faith than shake it. Oh, she had certainly been enveloped in despair, but the fact that everything had worked out in the end only went to show that even a terrible crisis could have a happy ending. It certainly made her feel wonderful about her relationship with Quisty. Once their love had felt more a more a happy coincidence than anything else. They had stumbled into it without having to cast their lots decisively in favor of each other. But after being tested by forces both internal and external and finding that they still wanted to be with each other ... well, now she knew they had commitment, not just mere compatibility.
Mengshi carried her breakfast out to the dining room, where Quistis awaited her. Quisty's usual morning paper had taken a leave of absence; instead, Quistis' attention was focused on Mengshi. Her spoon idly stirred her cereal as a genuine grin, devoid of Quistis' usual amused restraint, crossed her face. After all they had been through, being able to enjoy such simple joys as breakfast together seemed the greatest gift the world could give them. And perhaps it was.
Mengshi looked expectantly at Quistis, seeking an explanation for why Quistis was staring at her instead of reading the paper. "I want to talk to you," she said softly.
"About...?"
"Whatever you feel like talking about, dear."
What did she feel like talking about? Well, there was one thought that stood out to her more than anything else. "It feels so good to be back," she murmured. "I know I wasn't really gone all that long ... a couple of weeks in hell were more than enough for me." She frowned, and her eyes automatically shifted in the direction of the room where someone was still slumbering. "It's so hard to think about being there for years. It really makes it a lot easier to understand how Miang could have started feeling the way she did." She wondered if this was what Quistis wanted to hear ... but, really, Quistis just wanted to hear whatever she was thinking. "And how I did, I guess."
Quistis nodded. "Every cloud has a silver lining."
"Yeah... I know it sounds really silly to say, but I think dying and being sent to hell ended up being a pretty positive experience for me. I mean, it helped me to take it to heart that I don't have to be perfect, and it meant I was able to help Miang. And... I think she's going to be able to help other people in turn." She frowned. "Not that I wanted to hurt you, but..."
Quistis waved off her concern. "No, I understand. I do wish you would have told me the truth sooner, of course. You should know you can trust me..."
Mengshi nodded sadly, still feeling a little ashamed of herself for having caused so much trouble. "I guess ... well, because I felt that if I was really strong, really a great person, I could conquer all my problems on my own. You know, that my failings were only in my head and I was only letting them hinder me because I was weak-minded. I mean, it seems like people are always trumpeting the 'brave' achievements of those who refuse medical, physical assistance, and do everything on their own ... that they're the courageous ones, and I was only a coward."
"Well, those stories are dumb," Quistis said with a wink.
Mengshi laughed. "Yeah, I realized that. I'd really much rather be alive and weak than strong and dead. Pride didn't get me anything in the end." She found another random thought bubbling to her lips and started to fidget. She wasn't really used to talking about herself. And as self-effacing as she could be, she actually enjoyed it when she had the chance to share herself with life. It made her feel better about existence - the world seemed a much more inviting place when she was an important piece of it. "You know, this reminds me of the whole 'cave' metaphor, where I've escaped the darkness and now I came back into it to help others. Because I've been there; I've seen all the reasons to lose hope and now I know how to answer them. I mean ... I'm sorry. I'm completely babbling here."
Quistis smiled comfortingly. "I told you I just want to hear what you were thinking, dear," she said. "And, besides, I agree with you. I'm glad we're worth a lot more to each other than our pride."
Mengshi smiled back. This ... really was all Quisty wanted. She had no ulterior motives; she really did just want to know what Mengshi was thinking. Because she loved her. It felt so good.
Quistis, too, was relieved: Mengshi's insecurities were more or less conquered and Quistis no longer had to fear what they could bring. Of course, Quistis would always have done her best to try to stand by Mengshi in any case, but preferring to be happy instead of battered she needed no justification. "I finished my surprise for you yesterday," she said as she reached under the table. "I needed something to keep my busy while I was at the lighthouse, and..." What was now in Mengshi's hands was a needlepoint reproduction, somewhere between the size of a trading card and that of a piece of paper, of the Carbuncle Triple Triad card.
Mengshi stared it. Oh, Hyne, what an amazing present! It was adorable! Quistis was so wonderful. She hugged it to her chest. "Thanks; it's so perfect." Then she winked and added, "But I already have this card."
"Oh, but this one's a rare misprint. It's not regulation size."
They both started laughing. And as the warmth of the moment settled from joyful surprise to quiet contentment, Mengshi reflected on just how beautiful her life really was. How could she ever even hope to express in words, or even comprehend, the goodness of everything? "Hey, Quisty, do you remember the question I asked you about love?"
"Mm-hmm." Quistis nodded. She had to confess she'd kind of forgotten about it until now after failing to come up with a neat answer.
"Yeah, I ... well, I thought about when I was in hell, and I tried writing some answers, and I finally came up with one that I liked." It suddenly hit her how silly and ostentatious she must be sounding right now. Oh, how could she think she actually had anything meaningful to say? She started to blush. "Er, never mind... I'm being silly..."
Quistis just smiled. "Come on, you don't have to be embarrassed."
"No, it was dumb anyway. Forget about it."
This was the Mengshi that bothered Quistis. She placed her hands over Mengshi's and stared seriously into her eyes, hoping to cut off this problem. "Please?"
Okay. Mengshi tried to calm her flaming cheeks so that she could present her axiom with some modicum of dignity. She closed her eyes and concentrated to try to remember what she'd written exactly. Stumbling over her words would make it sound even stupider. "'An endless truth and an endless beauty that we are endlessly discovering,'" she recited.
She felt Quistis' lips pressing to hers. Okay, maybe she shouldn't have gotten so worried. Silly her. Mengshi leaned forward and kissed her back. Together at last. A gentle peace overcame her. She never had had anything to fear. She loved Quistis, Quistis loved her, and in these moments when they were together with nothing else hanging over them, the universe was filled with nothing but joy.
She did feel like something of an idiot for doubting Quistis' love and faith in her for so long, earlier. But things had worked out. So much heartache and things had still worked out. Her confidence in herself, in Quistis, in the world had certainly grown. But more than that, what had really exploded was her appreciation of the kindred soul whose spirit hers now mingled with. It was truly a blessing to have someone make her so happy. And to be worth just as much to Quistis simply for existing the way she was.
And this was the Mengshi that made Quistis so happy. Quistis reached up to caress Mengshi's face while they continued to kiss. She had been right when she commented how she'd always be dreaming of Mengshi. Mengshi was simply too much of ... too much of everything in Quistis' life for Quistis not to. And she was everything not as an idol of perfection, because Mengshi certainly wasn't perfect, but simply because she was so wonderfully, beautifully human. That was the Mengshi that Quistis adored. The smiling, chatting, laughing, happy, grinning, caring, reading, Triple Triad-playing, kissing, cuddling, talking, loving Mengshi she had endured so much for.
Mengshi drew closer to Quistis and plunged into one last hard kiss. Their lips pressed hungrily together, savoring every last moment that they spent only with each other, until Quistis finally broke the kiss and looked into Mengshi's beaming eyes.
"I think that's a very good answer."
* * *
"Do you have a big rhyming dictionary?"
Rikku pointed from behind the library counter. "They're over there, in the reference section."
"Er, I need a bigger one," Zell said. "See, I'm working on a poem for my girlfriend, but I got kind of stuck."
"We don't have anything bigger."
"Well, um... can you think of anything that rhymes with 'swath endogenous?'"
"...what kind of poem are you writing?"
"Never mind." No big deal. It wasn't like he needed to write this poem right now; he knew he certainly didn't need to prove anything to Selphie. Besides, he already had one cool surprise coming her way, assuming he didn't completely bungle it.
"Thanks anyway. And, um..." He felt like he had something to her, but he wasn't sure what. See, he knew that Seifer seemed to have made Rikku his latest toy. Surely he should do something about that. It had been a long, long time since he had a crush on her, but ... he still thought she must be a good person. And pretty much anyone deserved better than to jerked around by Seifer. "Seifer Almasy has been sending you stuff, right?"
She looked a little startled. How the heck would we know about this? "Yes, but..."
"Look, I know this isn't any of my business, but..." He's bad news. Don't let him push you around. What the hell are you thinking? You have to live life on your own terms, not his. Sound advice, perhaps, but ... if he knew this wasn't any of his business, why was he still talking about it? He had made it his self-imposed duty to protect the world from Seifer, had always assumed that he was doing good by minimizing Seifer's influence on anything. But, boy, if someone ever did that to him, he'd certainly be steamed. It was ... rather the sort of thing Seifer would do in fact.
Rikku was glaring at him over the tops of her emo glasses. She didn't want to hear his advice and frankly thought he had no place offering it. "Never mind," Zell concluded. "Hope you find your way." Sometimes people had to figure things out on their own. He had, after all.
He couldn't deny that he had been wrong, he admitted to himself on the way back to his room. He was still some time from really trying to make good out of this fiasco, but he could at least cut back on being a jackass. None of his badmouthing Seifer had ever accomplished anything except make him even more angry. What good could vilifying him do the world? That was the problem with being anti-anything: it made enemies by definition and he'd never really be able to help everyone. It wasn't inclusive; it only created more conflict. Besides, people got defensive when he attacked them or their ideas; of course they didn't want to listen to him when he was insulting them. That was why he figured he should only campaign for good things. Something positive that everyone can get behind.
He wasn't sure what had made the difference. Certainly all the soul-searching he had gone through during this Yuffie mess made a difference. His eyes had been opened to the true nature of many things in life he hadn't considered before. But it was more than that: he had made hating Seifer an institution in his life; it was something he didn't think about. He just found his interest in fighting to be gradually waning. Another one of those inexplicable changes he was starting to see in himself.
Well, I guess this is growing up, he mused. The best part was that he had never really made the conscious choice to do it. It just happened. Slowly he had started to see more goodness in the world and his pettiness fell away. Just from existing. That reassured him. It reminded him that things tended to work out. He didn't have to solve all of his quirks and problems overnight because experience would teach him sooner or later. Life was looking out for him.
He had been right when he suggested to Selphie that asking questions too loud prevented you from hearing the answers. But so too, did giving answers too loud keep you from hearing other people's questions. Because his dogma didn't necessarily - and, in fact, didn't by definition - solve every problem. "The best way to change the world is to change yourself." The good ol' Filth Brigade. That sure made a lot more sense than all this noble suffering, heroic, revolutionary nonsense. They didn't need a revolution - the world was already pretty good as it was - just an evolution.
Because, in the end, it was the Yuffies, not the Rinoas, who truly redefined the world. Not the people who fought for fighting's sake or for the benefit of people they didn't even know. But the people who honestly wanted a better life for themselves and stuck their neck to seize it. People, he had noted, tended to make the right decisions to take care of themselves when it came down to it.
He had this sort of theory. Sure, maybe it was a bit pretentious of him to start dreaming up these sort of things, but he liked thinking. If he didn't want to try to understand his world, what would he be? So his little theory went like this: People seemed to go through three phases of viewpoints on a lot of things, including life. First, they discovered it and embraced it completely and blindly. Like how young children were always happy to be alive and didn't really see all the ugliness out there. Then they realized whatever it was wasn't all that; they began to see the problems. So they felt betrayed, betrayed because they'd been believing it was perfect and it turned out to be. Hence, teenage angst. But in the last phase, people seemed to accept that life, or whatever, can have faults and still be worth it. They learned to appreciate it for what it is, love it in spite of its faults. He thought he might be finally getting to that third phase, and he was getting there purely by going on with life.
So he figured it was okay to cut some slack to the people still back in those earlier phases. It was time to lay off with his unrealistic expectations that everyone understand as much as he. Rikku, Kid, they were younger than him; it was silly of him to apply his standards of life to them. They were still growing up, were a little farther behind than him, but that was okay. Everyone had to start somewhere. And maybe that Quina Eat World nonsense maybe wasn't such nonsense after all, if it helped people climb up that ladder. Hyne only knew wouldn't be appropriate to make 4-year-olds watch Citizen Kane instead of The Lion King. Maybe he could even go down to Ragna Rock and check out one of those bands Mikoto kept blabbering on about.
He was reminded of some Chu-chu Tribe proverb that Chu-Chu had told him once. It was something like, "The first fool believes everything she is told is true. The second fool believes everything she is told is false. The wise Chu-chu discovers the truth for herself." Well, he was finally figuring out the truth for himself. He was sure that the others would sooner or later.
Zell was so wrapped up in his theories that he almost tripped over Chu-Chu. Well, speak of the devil.
"Hi, Captain Sexypants," Chu-Chu said with a leer. "Do you mind if I stay here between your legs?"
"Yes." He quickly lifted his leg and stepped out from over him. "So, uh... what's up? Happy to be home?"
"I'm not at home; I came back in time to visit chu."
"What?”
Chu-Chu puffed her chest, feeling very proud of herself. "I'm the Chu-Chu from tomorrow! I came back in time to seduce myself. See, 'cause yesterday, my future self tried to get it on with me, but we played spin the bottle, and my future self pointed it at herself instead of her past self, which is me. So I'm hoping I have better luck with myself this time."
"That's, uh, nice. Good luck, or something."
"Thanks," Chu-Chu said. "By the way, is that a crystal ball in your pants, because I can totally see you without them making sweet, passionate love to me?" She walked off whistling a jaunty tune.
I really don't want to know if she was being serious.
* * *
Seifer! Squall had been looking for a showdown with him all day and finally caught up with him in the quad. He sprinted to catch up with him, his Converse All-Stars a blur. "Seifer!"
Seifer stopped and looked over his shoulder. "Eh?"
"The advice you gave me was terrible! You nearly ruined my life! Rinoa was pissed when I told her to go make me some tea!"
"Yeah, well, she's a stupid whore that deserves whatever she gets; what does she know?"
"Hey, you leave my ex-girlfriend slash acquitance slash friend slash best friend slash best friend with benefits slash girlfriend out of this!"
"You brought her up, dumbass."
Squall placed his hands over his heart. "That hurts me on the inside, Seifer. And you remember two years ago when you slashed me in the face and gave me a scar? That hurt me on the inside too. You may be just another boorish frat boy, Seifer, but I'm a modern, intelligent, sophisticated man. I'm sensitive. I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"You sure don't seem to be doing much loving, either."
"Hey, Rinoa told me yesterday she doesn't totally hate me! Things might still work out! You just don't understand, Seifer, because you are a... a mental grasshopper! A intellectual kangaroo, a mind wallaby! One of these days I'm gonna send you air mail to the moon. Air mail to the moon! Just you wait."
Seifer placed his hands over his heart. "Oh no, I've been called a 'mind wallaby'; I'm so hurt. Because I'm sensitive and sophisticated."
"You may laugh at me, Seifer, but it's an indisputable fact that your crude, manipulative alpha-male ways make you completely repulsive and incapable of sustaining a lasting relationship!"
"Yeah, well, your new-age teary-eyed sensitive stalker shtick doesn't seem to be working so hot either."
"Maybe we should try being ourselves, huh?"
* * *
Waking was like touching down in a new world. The last time Selphie had risen, it was to campaign for Yuffie's freedom and feud with Rinoa. But now ... well, getting out of bed for a world where she had conquered these problems made her feel like a little girl on Christmas morning. And she could hardly wait to see what life had left under her tree.
Whoo HOO! "Booyaka! Mamimumemo!" She sprung out of bed with an energy that she had not felt in a long time. The world was okay; she did not have to doubt that now.
A look at the clock revealed that she had slept well into the afternoon. Well, she deserved to. She had played at an amusement park, battled with Rinoa, and danced to free Garden all without rest.
As she was getting read for the day, she saw Zell had left a message on her voicemail. She tapped the button to play it as she liberally doused her hair in gel and tweaked the ends up. "Hi, Selphie, this is Zell. I wanted to apologize for losing it yesterday. But I'm very happy you chose to live and I'm glad I could do whatever I have to help you do that. Especially with Yuffie coming home ... I feel like this darkness might finally behind us. And... um, I'm really looking forward to, uh, taking advantage of all the future offers. So... thanks for doing so much to secure that future, 'cause I know you've done a hell of a lot, more than any of us. And, um, give me a call when you wake up, 'kay? Thanks? I love you. Buh-bye."
Selphie was smiling warmly as the message came to a close. Well, that was nice to hear, and she agreed with everything he had to say. The drudgery did seem to be falling away before them at last. She had finally gotten off 'Survive' and back onto 'Live.' And I do have a lot to thank for him too ... he's done quite a bit to ensure our future too. She tapped her autodial to call him back.
"Hi, Selphie! Good afternoon; what's up?"
She chuckled. "I just got up. Thanks for the message; I appreciated it. And don't be too hard on yourself; I know you've always been trying to do good."
"Yeah," he said. "I just get frustrated sometimes." He sighed. "I know I've caused you an awful lot of headaches, but..."
"...you've also helped cure a lot of them."
"Yeah."
"Don't be too hard on yourself," she said. "It's been a stressful time for everyone. And I know that trying to hurt me would be the last thing you'd ever try to do. "You don't like hurting things, right?
"Right," he said, relieved. Self-doubt erected itself around him so easily, but she could always clear it with a simple reassurance. "Yeah. Have you eaten anything yet? We could go down to the old side of town again. That was fun; I liked it."
She grinned. Did he still think that he could never change? How silly. She knew he was becoming more of the person he wanted to be - he would not have made a suggestion like that a few months ago. But that was terrific; it was nice not to have to plan everything. Now they could work as a real team instead of a leader and follower. "Sounds great. I'll be right over."
* * *
Sitting at a streetside table with Mr. Bear nestled in her lap, eating cheesecake, Selphie could not help but think of Trabia. Okay, the cheesecake wasn't quite as scrumptious, but ... well, everything else seemed better. Sun Hye was gone and nothing would ever truly replace her, but she had even more friends now. Emma, still, and Zell and Quistis and Yuffie and Chu-Chu and Irvine and Rinoa and Squall. She could not wish any of them out of their life; each was an individual for whom there was no true replacement. And she was older and wiser, had a job, could play and sing a lot better, knew herself better than she had before. It reminded her that the past was not always better. The present and the future gave her their own blessings, and she was no longer so willing to trade them for a mended heart. That wouldn't be very gracious, would it?
She knew it was not a great epiphany to say that time healed all wounds, that life could blossom again even after tragedy. It was perhaps, in the Tribalian perspective of the world, even a cosmically insignificant occurrence. Countless others had already discovered the same thing. But it was a journey they all had to take. Every life started with zero awareness and had to learn and understand the world as it grew. Growing up was nothing new, but that did not make it bad. Some things everyone had to do. So why discriminate against herself? Her travels through life's discoveries was just as important as any other sentient being's.
"You know, I always told myself about everything that happened to Trabia, and Irvine too, that what people said was right and it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, but ... I think you know that I frequently doubted how true that really was. But I suppose coming so close to throwing my entire future away forced me to wake up to how lucky I am to have the opportunities I do. 'Cause so many people didn't. So many people would have given everything for just another few days of life for themselves or their loved ones, so they could even do a few more things in this world. And to have the chance to live and love and throw it all away I think would be the greatest disgrace to Sun Hye and ... everyone like her. You know, life is a gift, and I don't care how cliché; that might sound; it's said so much because it's true." And yet another truth that they all had to discover for themselves.
Her introspection trickled to a stop as she realized there was not much left to say. Everything had worked out, hadn't it? Her gaze drifted from empty space to the person chomping on a hot dog. How nice there was at least in the world she did not have to prove herself to in the slightest. Someone who would always understand. Oh, sure, they'd never agree on everything - and that would be boring anyway - but she knew that at his core there was someone who saw the world the same way as she. And if even one person truly loved her just the way she was... well, then, she shouldn't change anything about herself, should she?
She smiled. "Thanks for standing by me through all this."
He smiled back. "Thanks for standing by me. When I'm struggling so much to find myself, find an identity, it's such a relief to know that someone understands. And that you see enough in me to put up with my foibles."
"You know I'd do it again in an instant, dear."
"As I would for you."
These were the times when Selphie would normally be haunted by reservations floating through the back of her mind. Zell's platitudes would have failed to be enough, and she would have been depressed at how her grimy reality failed to live up to her beliefs. But, this time what he said didn't trigger anything except an acknowledgment. It was the truth, and that was that. For once, she could actually believe all the sappy slogans.
She smiled. "Thank you. I wish I could say that it's all better now ... of course it's not." She said it airily; it was no longer a worry but an untroublesome fact of life. "I know I'll always feel like I'm missing some part of me. But I guess it's the way love goes. Even Mikoto, for all her nihilism, couldn't help trying to save lives and make the world a better place. I know I could never outrun love if I tried to flee from it, so..." She shrugged. "I'll do the best I can do, huh? After all, I think the mistakes we make end up defining our character just as much as our successes. It's like this thing Irvine used to tell me, about a butterfly..."
Zell chuckled at the mention, and he quickly pulled his hot dog out of his mouth to reply. "Yeah, he told me that too. Actually a lot of good advice."
"I know."
"'You can't assess the future if you're living in the past,'" he quoted.
"Yours, or...?"
"Lavos Spawn, '...And Out Come the Shoopufs.' Before they started to suck."
She giggled and nodded. "Of course." The last bite of cheesecake went into her mouth, and she set down her fork and stretched. While she was waiting for him to finish, she took her Rubik's Cube out and started fiddling with it some more. "You know, if this were a movie, this would probably be when I finally solve this thing."
Zell hesitated, waiting to see if the mighty fist of irony would take command of the situation. But Selphie only shrugged and put the cube back in her pocket. "Oh well," she said. "I'll keep working on it. But right now ... I feel like doing something fun and crazy. We need to celebrate."
Totally. He grinned. Things were always the best when she was happy. While he stood by her whether she was lifting him up or dragging him down, no feeling compared to the times when everything was going her way. Seeing her happy always made him feel like everything was okay. If even one person was happy to be alive, if even one person wanted him around, then the world was definitely good for something. And he appreciated her happiness for her sake too: He cared for her and wanted her life to be good because he loved her.
But, really, the reason he enjoyed these moments of triumph wasn't because of him alone or because of her alone. It was because of them both. They played off each other, like ... well, like two one-winged angels. Lifting each other up to achievements they could not reach and bliss they could not discover alone. Of course they should keep reaching for those heights. Who besides Squall wanted to miserable? "We certainly do," he agreed with her sentiments. "Did you have something in mind?"
"Well, uh, this might sound kind of silly..." She turned and looked out to Balamb Garden, the top of which could be seen rising over the mountains separating it from town. "I've always wondered what it would be like to climb up to the very top of Garden. Have you ever imagined that, what it would be like to look down from way up there? I bet we'd get a fantastic view."
"Well... no, I haven't, but let's go."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah! We can watch the stars once it gets dark, or see what we can make out on the ground. I bet we could see into town ... maybe we could even find my house. Except, um, how are we supposed to get up there?'
Selphie laughed. "I'm rubbing off on you, dear."
"Do you hear me complaining?"
She laughed again, because it seemed so plain now that there was nothing but joy to be found in what they were and what made them human, and hugged him. "We can take the elevator. I can probably jimmy the lock."
"Okay... hey, can I bring a surprise along?" He felt a little nervous bringing it up even now, because it entailed committing himself to doing something he wasn't sure he could do. It was easy to want to do things when he didn't have to face the challenges, but the possibility of failure was so intimidating sometimes. But Selphie always understood.
"Um... what kind of a surprise is it?"
Zell grinned. "You'll see."
"...sure."
"Okay, it's in your room; I'll have to go get it."
"My room?"
"Yeah. It'll make sense once you see it, I promise. Really."
* * *
* * *
"How are you feeling?"
"Empty." Miang sat motionless on her plain, sterile bed staring around her plain, sterile room. "I'm glad I'm here, but I don't have anything to give me any meaning." Her distant gaze traveled slowly up to Mengshi's face. "I have to admit, that's probably one of the reasons I was so adamant in clinging to my notions about life's meaning. I mean ... believing that I was doing something good for the world by being hated seemed like the only way to justify my existence. When it comes right down to it, I spent ten thousand years working on nothing."
Mengshi smiled. "We all make mistakes."
Just a mistake. Ten thousand years of turmoil and it didn't have to be anything more than an innocent mistake. She liked thinking of it that way. Miang laughed gently and noted she didn't remember laughing like that ever before. "Now I'm not unhappy," she said, "but I'm not happy yet either."
"Well, I'm here to help. We'll find you something good, something positive to feel happy about." She looked around the featureless guest room. Aside from a few boxes of Xu and Quistis' stuff that was still unpacked, it was as empty and devoid of color as anything Miang was associated with. The poor girl really did need some features and decoration in her life. Mengshi imagined the room brimming with signs of a well-lived life. Someday the room would be filled with them: shelves stuffed with the books and music and movies that Miang enjoyed, the floor littered with the tools of her hobbies, perhaps a few souvenir T-shirts from various activities in the closet, a calendar on the wall denoting all the engagements she had planned, the address book listing all the people who appreciated her company, posters on the wall reminding her of what she adored, photos on the bedstand of the people she cared about, letters tucked away in her desk to read when she felt lost. And the smaller things too: the Sorceress Memorial snowglobe she had kept as a memento of the vacation in Esthar, the goofy-looking Pupu plushie she had won at the county fair, a couple of agates she had picked up on the ocean shore with her lover, the invitation to a party that she had forgotten to throw away. Oh, they seemed so silly to care about as items alone, but each one was the shadow of a story of something that Miang had done, someone she had cared about, some experience she would remember. And someday this room would hold a thousand stories.
Quistis stepped into the room behind Mengshi. "Hello, sleepyhead." She had been waiting for a chance to engage her new houseguest in conversation. That episode in the planning room was the only chance she'd had so far to talk to her, and that hardly counted.
"Good afternoon," Miang greeted her. "It still feels so strange to be here." It was amazing how despite her years of experience, these people could still know much more than her about some things - and casual conversation was one of them. She had carried on plenty of such dialogues as the women she occupied, but really talking about herself? She felt rather uncomfortable - invaded, even. She wasn't supposed to have any personal characteristics that could be spoken of! She hastened to add, "But I'm glad. I really appreciate what you've done for me."
Mengshi smiled. It felt just as good to know that she was looking out for others as it did to know they were looking out for her. "Well, thanks. I know I'll be happy to have you around."
Miang sighed and shook her head. It would be a long time for this new life stopped being a befuddling wonder to her. "You know, Mengshi, no one's ever wanted me before. Oh, I've heard plenty of compliments, plenty of favors and appreciation directed towards me. But they were always for the woman I was living the life of, never for me, so they meant nothing to me. I didn't exist. I don't have any traits outside of my base physical appearance; I don't have a job; I don't have any interests. I'm nothing."
"But we're working on that," Mengshi assured her.
"Right."
An amused smile crept over Quistis' face as a rather mischievous comment entered her head. "Don't worry, there's plenty of room for faceless, uninteresting people at Garden. Just look at Nida!"
Mengshi laughed. "Now, dear, that wasn't very nice," she teased.
Quistis looked around the room, thinking about just how devoid of life it was. "We should really pretty up this room, shouldn't we?" she said after reaching the same conclusion as Mengshi. "But I don't suppose you have anything in mind?"
"You suppose correctly."
"Well, what's your favorite color?"
Miang shrugged vaguely. Quistis continued to stare at her, awaiting an answer. Miang had to have some kind of preference. "I told you, I was someone else for ten thousand years and then I was dead," the new woman insisted. "I don't have any opinions."
Quistis nodded towards Miang's hair. "How about purple?"
"Sure."
Miang looked like she was about to say something more but was being held back by her customs. "Is there something else?" Mengshi asked her.
"Well, I'm not sure I can go so far as to say I enjoyed it, but... when I was serving Deus, I did occasionally find myself drawn to the game of chess. I suppose devoting my attentions to planning and foreseeing the actions of chessmen distracted me from the burden of having to manipulate the real world. And..." Guilt crept back over her. No, she shouldn't ask anything of them. They were already devoting entirely too much of their time and money to her.
"You can ask," Mengshi prodded her with a soft smile.
"Could you get me a chess set?"
"Of course." Mengshi grinned. She still felt a minor elation of victory every time Miang acknowledged herself. This recovery could happen. Little by little they were constructing a healthy, happy Miang. "You can come shopping with us, if you'd like."
"Sure." She didn't have anything else to do, and the chance to pick out some things for herself seemed strangely appealing. And yet ... she was still worried. Worried that she really wasn't important. Before she could always justify her existence as a tool for the betterment of humanity. But what she was now?
Mengshi recognized the troubled, thoughtful look on her friend's face and decided to intervene before she delved too deeply into Miangst. "Come on, Miang, you can't sit around the house all day. How about I give you a tour of Garden?"
Miang smiled again. "Sure. I'd like that."
* * *
"BOOYAKA! Whoo hoo!" Selphie sprung out of a trapdoor and and onto the roof. She turned and peered back down the ladder. "You're taking the surprise up?" She more or less assumed he was, since he dragged the thing all the way here. But what was he up to? She suppressed an eager giggle. Surprises - this kind of surprise, the good kind - were fun.
"Of course." Zell pushed out a tall cardboard box containing the yet to be revealed surprise. She caught it and quickly set it aside. The less she touched it, the better. She didn't want to spoil his fun - or hers.
"I hope this is going to be worth it."
"I hope so too." He climbed up onto the roof. Selphie was already seated, her legs thrust out ahead of her, so he sat down next to her.
Gosh, what an amazing view. The sun was starting to sink below the horizon, oozing great swaths of color into the sky. Purples and oranges and gold mingled like a child's mishmashed fingerpainting. The spectacle dwarfed the city, which looked like only a mundane remnant of the physical world compared to these magical colors. (And, no, he couldn't see his house - the water tower was about the only building he could make out.)
And, of course, he was there with Selphie; that made the arrow of aching perfection aimed into his heart so much more acute. Being with her amplified every moment of joy he had. Basking in what he had or discovering something new alone made him happy, but it was somehow never quite everything he wanted. His soul yearned to share each point of light in his life. It was like two mirrors pointed at each other. They kept reflecting the other's image back and forth, and so rather than experience happiness once he had it bounced into him five or six or seven times.
He wanted to sink into all this beauty and just live for living's sake for a moment. To appreciate the moment for the peace and joy it offered and not to try to concoct some greater significance for it. But giddy nervousness kept bouncing his brain away from that calm. Much as he wanted to embrace the moment, he was thinking of something even more important right now. Soon he'd been unveiling what he had labored so long to prepare, and he couldn't stop thinking about it.
Should I do it now? Should I do it now? he kept wondering. He didn't want to be too pushy or jumpy, though. The time would come.
Selphie pointed into the sky. "That cloud looks like a train."
"Yeah," his mouth churned out an automatic reply. Oh, this will be so awesome if you do it right. He kept picturing her reaction in his head over and over. That had been what pushed him to keep working on his surprise all this time. Imaging her squealing with delight, or gasping with romantic passion, or maybe just being struck dumb when she saw what he could do, when he finally surprised with something really nice...
"Everything looks so peaceful. "Beautiful sunset, warm breeze ... it feels almost like this was made for us." She let out a content sigh. "Everything finally seems to be right about the world again."
"Yeah..." Zell murmured. "And we made it together, too."
Selphie nodded. "Yes, it's just like that book that I showed you, right? With the two angels lifting each other up..."
"...so they could both do things they never could alone."
"'Cause neither of us could have made it through this by ourselves." They were chasing this idea in leapfrog fashion, each one pushing one step further than the other had just carried them. It wasn't even a conversation so much as two voices speaking one monologue. But wasn't the way their lives often were?
"Right."
Following this thought had finally distracted Zell from his jitters enough to render him able to think. "I think this was worth all the struggle we went through," he said. "I mean ... besides getting Yuffie home and rescuing B-Garden from all those mice ... I think I've gained a lot myself."
She nodded. "Yeah, I know I have." These times had tested her faith and her courage, but both had only emerged greater for it. Where once she knew only blind belief in the light, she now had a thousand responses to the darkness. That which did not kill her made her stronger, as the saying went.
Zell had been waiting for her continue. When she didn't, he went ahead and elaborated on his own gains. "I guess more than anything ... my views on life have changed a little. I always figured that history, our existence, was like a big road. That we kept building up our accomplishments, learning more and more about the universe, as we marched towards some final, big important destination at the end. Sure, we didn't know what that was now, but we'd get there and find out eventually. And I still do think the world keeps getting better and our accomplishments are piling up, but ... I think history isn't just an arrow but a cycle. You know, everyone has to grow up, get old, and ... I guess if I want to be happy and successful and sane, I can't have my head in the clouds, reaching for the future all the time. Sometimes I have to step back and appreciate the futures that have already been grabbed and relish what we have. I think those are both equally important, appreciating the good that already is and creating more good. You know ... seek happiness in tranquility; adventure, excitement, a Jedi craves not these things; that sort of thing." His mind was already racing far ahead of his tongue, dancing from one image in his soul to another, and the part that was translating it all into coherent, linear sentences was scrambling to keep up.
It was like his silly little theory. The people who saw life only as an unchanging cycle to be preserved - Niccolo, for example - were stuck in the first phase. They didn't see the problems that remained to be solved. But the people who saw only the problems, who saw life as an arrow pointing to the end of a cycle - like Rinoa - were stuck in the second phase. They were all fight, no love. Funny how both of them ended up perpetrating the same destructive dogmatism. After all, Security without progress was shallow self-centered hedonism. And progress without security was destructive fascism. But somewhere between them ... well, that was where happiness seemed to lie. In the middle. The gray area. Like always.
"I mean ... it's often the little pleasures like this that I like the most," he continued "Like the first rays of sunshine peeking in through the curtains to herald a beautiful new day, or when the CD that you ordered comes in the mail, or finding out someone you know loved the same Saturday morning cartoons you did, or spending a summer day sitting outside and reading. You know, they're just little things but because they're so small they can be moments of perfect rightness. Moments where all the truth and beauty and love and joy in the universe is packed into one smile or one laugh. You feel like you're bursting with the unimaginable beauty of being."
Now I know he's not getting this from any album liner notes, Selphie thought.
He sighed wistfully. "I like this world so much; I just wish I could put into words all that I feel."
She could have echoed agreement again, could have told him he was doing a fine job, but that was hardly necessary. She was content just to listen to him, especially when he was talking like this. She liked listening to him. It lifted her spirits, made me feel better about the both of them, made me her want to share herself with him. But mostly it made her happy.
"You know, back in the old days, before I was punk," he went on, "I didn't have any high aspirations of changing the world or being a gillionaire or anything. Not even when I was little kid. I mean, there was always Seifer dreaming of knights and castles and sorceresses, Irvine pretending he was a cowboy, Ellone playing doctor ... and Squall wanted to be a famous general when he wasn't moping around, and I think Quistis was going to be Prime Minister." He looked over at her and grinned. "And you wanted to be a firefighter."
Selphie laughed. "Or a pop star," she completed the mutual memory. "And Nida wanted a meaningless job in middle management."
Zell was halfway to processing this information as more nostalgia when he did a double take. "Wait, Nida was at the orphanage?"
"Yes, I remember him quite clearly." It wasn't too surprising that she had memories that Zell didn't - she hadn't used G.F.s as much as the others.
"Oh," Zell said. "I'd forgotten about him."
"That happens a lot."
They both giggled. Poor guy. But he made such wonderful comic fodder.
"But, anyway, yeah, I never really cared for fame and fortune, not even back then," Zell said. "I just wanted to be like the Kramers ... to belong somewhere, and know that I matter and that people are glad I exist. Hold on a second, I have a quote." Zell fumbled in his pocket for a wadded-up sheet of notebook paper on which he had written the passage. He smoothed it out and started reading from it. "'To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.'"
Zell lowered the paper and paused for a second in case she was going to say anything. Since she didn't, he continued. "So, yeah, that's pretty much I want." Still she said nothing - she was just lying there, smiling and staring at the stars - so he rambled on. "Maybe those aren't huge goals, but I think there's beauty and triumph enough in enjoying life. I don't have to save the world; and, heck, I guess we already did anyway. Being happy and enjoying what's out there and being able to make a difference to the people close to me ... I think that would be enough for me."
"Yeah," Selphie said. "Me too. I mean, sure I talked about being a firefighter when I was girl, but what I really wanted to do is help people, right? And... it's all too easy for me to forget it, but I've realized I already do a lot of that. Helping people, I mean. I don't have to aspire to some higher position to be good for the people I care about. And, Hyne, I still don't know how I really fit into this universe, or where I'm going to end up, how I'm going to live my life, but I think I get a little closer every day. And just like my Rubik's Cube, I'm having a good time trying to put it together even if my stars never do totally align."
"So I'm not crazy for feeling like I'm finally at home?"
"No," Selphie said quietly. "Definitely not crazy."
And if he had any fears or uncertainties left, he certainly couldn't feel them now. Every last potential misstep had been averted and he had been cleared for take-off into the future his heart had always wished for. He felt not only that it could all come true, but that it was, and that he was already partaking of that happiness. Success was a journey, not a destination, and he knew with every certainty in the world he was on that journey. Nothing could be more right than this.
He was now unbearably bursting to share what he had labored so long for. "I think I need to give you my surprise now," he said, trying to keep his voice level despite his giddiness. He had waited so long for this, and he was so excited thinking about how happy it might make them both. "Close your eyes."
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm not going to touch you; I promise."
"I'm more worried about what you might do to yourself," Selphie teased, but obliged.
She heard Zell rummaging around in the box, zipping sounds, and then ... Zell playing guitar!? Wow. And then she realized that he wasn't just playing the guitar, he was playing "Eyes on Me."
Selphie melted. Yes, he was missing quite a few notes, and he wasn't totally in time, and the guitar was out of tune, but he was still playing the song. Zell, whom she never even saw touching a musical instrument, was making a sincere effort to play her a long song. For her! She could have simply listened to him, and that certainly would have been magical enough - she already found her sorrows and worries being swept away by melody. But she was compelled by the sort of transcendent awareness of what had to be done that only blossomed when things were going absolutely perfect - a kind of perfection inertia, when the universe wanted to hold onto working totally right for just another glorious moment. She quickly sat up and joined him. Again the sum became more than the whole of its parts, as her voice melded with the guitar's melody to again create one beautiful harmony.
So let me come to you
Darling, so share with me
Darling, so there you are
He quickly set the guitar down as Selphie gleefully tackled him to the ground. "Booyaka, Zell," she gushed. "I knew you had it in you."
She kissed him adoringly on the cheek. He reached up and pulled her closer as her lips this time planted on his. They kissed some more, and Selphie's spirits surged far beyond her normal life and into a limitless realm of clouds and stars and life. Love could bring her confusion and pain and suffering and self-denial, but it could also bring her ... well, love. She didn't know what else to call it. Euphoria? The chance to catch hold of the perfect music of the universe and dance their hearts out? Whatever it was ... well, at times like these, she was pretty damn sure the unhappiness was worth it. In the end, only the good mattered.
"You make so happy," Zell murmured. "Just knowing that you exist in this world is so joyous and comforting. I know that I'll always have a place to belong, that one person will never expect anything out of me but me. As long I'm with you ... I feel like I've succeeded."
"Thanks," Selphie said. "That makes me feel like I've succeeded too." She flopped over and laid her head back on his shoulder. Stars. She couldn't really see them up there yet, but she knew they were up there. Chu-Chu was no doubt at her window, waiting for them to come out so she could send her prayers to the Wondrous Mambo God. Selphie had always figured it best not to consider whether the North Star was really the Chu-chu Tribe's guardian god. Perhaps the facts didn't matter. Chu-Chu knew that the Wondrous Mambo God was out there, just as Selphie knew that the stars lay behind the clouds though she could not see them. And maybe that was good enough.
She could think of few things besides that she was on top of the world, but one other thought popped into her head. "Thanks for making me feel that it's okay being to be a little bit different."
He only smiled and hugged her closer. "And thank you for reminding me it's okay to be a little more normal."
They were both okay. Everything was. Oh, not really. There was still plenty of war and death and stuff in the world. Sun Hye was still gone and Selphie would always miss her. But she could pretend for a moment, at least, that everything truly did work out. And that fleeting instant of perfect grace was a miracle unto itself.
She had won. She had strived for something, kept her faith that the universe was more good than bad, and it paid off. The world would never be perfect like Rinoa wanted it to be, but it was not devoid of that spark she had searching for. Her life was not futile, and tomorrow she would have the living proof she had been looking for.
"I love you," he whispered.
"I love you too."
They both turned their gazes back to the sky. Neither spoke for some time. They had all they needed for now in this moment of perfect tranquility. They were nestled together, their woes were behind them for the moment, the setting sun was their blanket, and the world was all before them.
"I don't think I could ask for much more than this."
"Yeah."
"It really is a wonderful life," she said with a touch of awe. She shrugged. "I don't know what else there is left to say about all this..."
"Well," he said, "it's a magical world out there. Let's go exploring."
* * *
Miang had observed with great interest how Mengshi interacted with everyone on the way they ran into at Garden. She forced herself not to see this not as how Mengshi obeyed another new set of rules, but as how Mengshi did what she actually wanted to. Because that was what Miang had to reproduce - not Mengshi's specific actions, or even her attitudes, but how she lived as an actual person.
"Mengshi..." she began as they stood waiting in line at the cafeteria.
"Yeah?"
"I didn't want to ask you this until we'd gotten out of hell, because I didn't give myself any more reasons to doubt ... what am I going to do? I don't have shit to offer the world. I'm supposed to be dead. I don't have any money; I don't have a job; I don't have any training or even anyone who gives a shit about me. I've spent the past 10,000 years destroying human lives. It was only yesterday I was still swearing that I existed only to be hated. Who's going to trust me with a track record like that?"
Mengshi was not entirely unprepared for this issue. "You have yourself and everything you can to do offer, Miang. And you can stay with Quistis and I for as long as you need to."
"And? What can I do? I'm nothing. Anything that tied me to life I carefully undid." She shook her head sadly. "And I can't ask anyone to help me ... not after all I've done to them."
Mengshi frowned. She wanted to paint a completely rosy picture to reassure her, but Miang's concerns bore an unfortunate pragmatic insight. "Well... you're right that not everyone is going to be totally understanding. Some people are going to hold grudges. I know that one hour spent in the light nullifies an eternity of darkness, but others ... haven't seen yet the full value of forgiveness. Not yet, anyway ... with time they'll forget the bad and remember the good and learn to trust you. But even now ... if you put your trust in people, I bet you'd be surprised at what they can do in return. Faith, remember?" She smiled at Miang.
Miang sighed heavily. This was too much effort, too much work to drag her out of this hole when all she wanted was peace. "Whatever." She was tired, dammit. She wanted this to be over. How foolish she had been to think that getting out of hell was the end of the road when it was only the beginning.
Desperation gripped Mengshi. "Please don't start that again." She was honestly concerned that any moment Miang could slip back into her old ways.
"I'm not good for anything. I just cause trouble. Everything I touch, I destroy. I should go back to hell."
Quina returned with the ice cream cones the pair had ordered. "Why make everything so complicated?" he asked Miang, having overheard their last bit of conversation. "I do what I want but no hurt you. You do what you want but no hurt me. Where problem?"
Miang silently took her ice cream. She had listened to Quina's words, but could not respond to them. They were too alien - they stemmed from a perception of existence that from its very core was not like hers, and that she doubted she could ever remodel her mind enough to see things the way Quina did.
The pair sat down at a nearby table to eat. "I wish I could be like him," Miang murmured. "To have never been cursed with any knowledge of how things work. To be able to live in childlike bliss, knowing that things would work themselves out ... because someone else was fixing things. But ... now I am as a god, knowing good and evil, and it has become my responsibility to fix the world for the masses."
"Miang ... you can't think understanding is a curse, can you?" But of course she could. If she thought the universe was fundamentally bad, then understanding it, knowing more about its awfulness, would be a curse. But ... but it wasn't.
Miang shrugged. "Well, if knowledge is power, and power corrupts, then isn't best that only one person takes all the knowledge and power so that all the others can live in uncorrupted happiness?"
"Power doesn't corrupt, Miang," Mengshi said. "An unbalance of power, perhaps, but we can all gain power without anyone losing anything. Remember what I said about expanding the pie instead of dividing it? It's like that. When Quistis came to visit me in hell, she told me to create something. Something from nothing. To bring to this universe more than there was before. And after having to justify my existence to you, I've really come to believe in my heart that I can do that - and that, if I can, everyone can. Existence isn't a matter of balance, a fixed sum, give and take. Existence is ... growth. As the universe expands, so does our understanding, our happiness, our ability to love and forgive and celebrate life in its all glories. And you know what? It may never end. Things can just keep getting better infinitely. It all makes sense to me now. Everything ... everything seems to be evidence of that to me. I mean, we keep learning and understanding and inventing new things. And doesn't our population keep expanding? That makes sense, because that means there's more people who can be happy, more people who can create and live. There's more life. Life is just ... goodness. And creation, creation of anything positive, like art and music and writing and buildings and cities and movies and computers and cars and cures for diseases and parks and monuments and games and inventions, anything that makes people happier or eases suffering, that's good too. So is understanding, because it lets us appreciate what's already been created and what's in ourselves and we can learn what we can do to conquer our problems. See, the solution to the problems that knowledge creates is more knowledge. You're right that knowledge can bring about discontent or the capability to create more suffering. But it also gives the capability to fix all those problems, to elevate ourselves to heights we never even thought possible. Maybe we create new problems for ourselves in the process. But we can forge the understanding to end the wars that we start, find cures for the health hazards we create, rebuild the lives shattered by the revolutions. If it's all for nothing, Miang, then how do you explain where we've gotten so far? Surely you have to admit that things are better off for us than they once were. We live longer, are free from more diseases, understand each other and our universe more than we ever. And I know that problems and crises come and go, but I still think we're always getting better. We may have started in an ugly, brutish world, not knowing anything, having to fight each other to support ourselves, but we can overcome the limitations of our limited imperfect universe and create order from chaos. We're clawing our way of the darkness and into bliss. The universe is the best it's ever been, Miang, and it's only going to get better. Problems and limitations will fade away and be replaced with boundless happiness. Happiness for everyone. Happiness not just for the masses, not just for the elite, not just for the virtuous, not just for the innocent, not just for monkeys, not just for robots, not just for people who can afford to live in plush mansions, not just for people who live in mud hovels, not just for humans or Chu-Chus, not just for Balamb or Galbadia or Dollet or Esthar, not just for white or black or male or female or gay or straight or smart or stupid or handicapped or not handicapped or native or immigrant or atheists or creationists or Mamboists. But for every single damn person that exists and ever will exist. And all of us have something to contribute to that."
A feeling of peace had come over Miang as Mengshi talked. It was a peace born of a new kind of understanding - not the understanding that had left her with no alternative but to make herself perfect, but one that gave meaning to what she already was. She smiled, her eyes staring vacantly at Mengshi in a sort of reflective admiration. It had taken Mengshi a long time, but she had finally done for Miang what no other visitor to hell had ever done. She had convinced her that her optimism was not necessarily based only on self-interest, but perhaps on a true and greater understanding of the universe, and that the good of the individual and the good of the many were not in conflict after all. And that grain of doubt was enough - enough to prove to Miang that she didn't know everything. Perhaps no one could know everything. But they could know some things, and seek to discover what they did not while still enjoying themselves in the process. She had read somewhere once in her many years of existence that it was far better to know you believed than to believe you knew. And she believed now.
"Thank you," she said quietly. "I think I'm beginning to understand now. I guess we're all beginning to understand. But ... that was a very nice speech."
"Thank you." Mengshi had not really been planning to define the meaning of life when she started talking. She felt a little embarassed for having philosophized at such length. It had just sort of all spilled out in one continuous epiphany, one thing leading self-evidently to another. Once she had reached the conclusion, it had ceased to become even a line of reasoning; it was a holistic insight. She had to admit she thought she had actually given a nice little speech. Perhaps it might even be able to help others. She should write it down.
"I still don't know what I can do, though..."
"You want to ease others' suffering, don't you?"
"Yes..."
"And do you still believe that understanding is a curse?"
"I suppose not."
"Then why not help to enlighten others? So they can be better equipped to enjoy their lives, and in turn improve others' lives. You can help create the wings upon which humanity will soar into the heights. Goodness that begets more goodness. The world is a fine place and worth fighting for, Miang, and you hold the power to fight that better future just by being you."
"What are you trying to say?"
"That I'm offering you a job."
Miang folded her arms and scowled in resistance. "Don't lower your standards for me."
"I'm not pitying you. Miang, you have enormous strength of will, a caring soul, a talent for eloquent speech, and an irreproducible catalog of knowledge and experience. You think that doesn't make you valuable?" Miang still did not seem entirely convinced, so Xu rambled on, speaking each thought as it came to her. "You have a gift, Miang. Don't let it go to waste by feeling guilty about it. You can use what you've blessed with to help others, to improve their lives. Your life, your talents, those are the universe's gifts to you. But what you choose to create with them ... that's your gift back to the universe."
"I..." This really was all she could ever have dreamed of. A chance to improve others' lives, to bring good to the world, without having to hurt herself any more. Perhaps she might even be appreciated for what she did. It seemed too good to be true, but it probably wasn't. "I'll ... no, okay. I'll do it right now." Why spend any more time "thinking" about it? She knew what she wanted.
"Really?"
"I'll try." Miang shrugged. "I don't know what I can really do, but..."
Mengshi smiled. "You're just as equipped as any of us to change our destiny, Miang." Driven by a sudden burst of inspiration, she stood up and walked away from the table. She was not going anywhere, it was just that her mind was moving at such speed that her body had to keep up. She sighed thoughtfully and turned her gaze skyward, her eyes growing distant. "And I think that's the responsibility of all of us. Our fate is not in our stars but in ourselves..."
From: rikku@resnet.balamb.edu
To: cid@bikanet.com
dear dad and brother
well this week has certainly been something to write home about!! lol ^^ omg wtf lol so like i got stuck in this elevator
with ths cute guy his name is SQUALL and he's famous here at garden. i think he is really deep because he hurts a lot on
the inside lol but i guess he's made up w/ hiz ex slash acquitance slash friend slash best friend slash best friend with
benefits slash gf i don't likeher but i guess he's happy u know???? i should MMOB O_O
also this other guy gave me a cactuar plushie. it reminded me of home which is y i am writing u! lol but i don't like him
at all. even though this other guy thinks i do I THINK *HE* SHOULD MIND HIS OWN BUSINESS 2 U KNOW?? lolly but ig uess he
is jsust looking out for me. he reminds me a lot of u brother just like squall sort of reminds me of poor auron-kun
*SNIFFLES* lol because he is teh strong silent type *SWOON* ^^;;;
and then there's also this furry pink rat that wants to have sex with every1!! bombette really blew up at her yesterday
rotflmaotsetsung
i wish ppl would pay more attention 2 me lol m(_)m it's not like @ home where am i fammous. but i guess im in the middle
like in tht one quina eat world song (SHT UP BROTHER!!!1111333threethreehtree ITZ A GOOD SONG) maybe i will b3 the star
again smday
omg i almost frogot garden got attaceked yestreday 2 but i m geting rely tired and my tpyting is getting poer coz i stayed
up LATE last nite wking on a new desisgn 4 my laivejournal its brite red on brite green and i learned all abt teh markee
tag lol so i want 2 let u know that i strujjgk lve t smf thst in graboomung on est pojeo
also here is a rlly funny pik of a cat and some domo-kuns i bet u hvn't seen it at all before!!! lel
luv 2 u all
xoxoxoxo
rikku
How you shyly placed your eyes on me
Did you ever know
That I had mine on you?
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer
Close as I want to be
Close enough for me
To feel your heart beating fast
And stay there as I whisper
How I love your peaceful eyes on me
Did you ever know
That I had mine on you?
Your love if you have enough
Your tears if you're holding back
Or pain if that's what it is
How can I let you know
I'm more than the dress and the voice?
Just reach me out then
You will know that you're not dreaming
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer
| Next chapter: Through the Looking-Glass (And What Yuffie Found There) |