"Selphie?"

Selphie jumped and looked over her shoulder. Rinoa had crept up on her little resting place. Well, so much more for her solitude. She was not really done thinking, but the corporeal world demanded her presence. Time to she force her wandering thoughts to fall in line for the moment.

"What's going to happen now?" This was no longer the defiant Rinoa, but a broken, frightened Rinoa. The fight had gone out of her. Or perhaps, the illusion of a fight that had never existed evaporated. She was not in the least bit comfortable with where she stood now, but she was terrified to find out what might lie elsewhere because she harbored a sneaking suspicion that it was only worse. And she dared not attempt to find out lest she confirm that suspicion and squelch her hopes completely. She didn't even want to think about how she would be punished, if she would ever see them again.

Selphie did not want to flat out ask what had happened - the poor girl looked half-traumatized - but she couldn't really answer Rinoa's question without knowing. Rinoa managed to discern from her questioning look that she wanted more information and supplied what she could. "I slipped away from Quistis and Xu when they were arguing with Seifer. I don't know what to do. I mean, I... I've destroyed too much now. I certainly can't expect any sympathy from you guys." She was reluctant to even mention the possibility. Of course she didn't want to abandon these people - they were sort of her friends, she had to admit - but to ask about it was to suggest it could happen, and that was asking for far more than she deserved.

"I'll pay for the damage," Selphie said wearily. It was she wanted to do, of course, but she could also not help but wonder how much longer she would be making up for the problems Rinoa caused. Would Rinoa ever change? Was she wrong in putting faith in her? She knew that Rinoa could never do good until she gave her the chance to do good, told her she could do good, trusted her to do good, but she was having to reach deeper and deeper to find that trust every time Rinoa let her down. "It's replaceable. You're not." Selphie noted sadly that by this point, that comment was not so much an emotional statement as an automatic, mechanical reassurance.

"I guess I fucked up or something, but..." Rinoa shook her head, violently, as if doing so would shake the confusion out of her. It didn't. She still felt the desperate, hungry pleading inside. A pleading for love and sympathy, a pleading for someone to drag her out of an exile she could not persevere in. And though she felt she was now so exposed and sensitive that any further contact would shatter her completely, that hunger was greater than her ego. She sat down beside Selphie, in the shade of the tree. "I don't know what else I can do, Selphie. I've never known anything else."

Selphie sighed. What more could be done? She felt like she had given every bit she could and had it all come not even to the glory of a spectacular failure but to the mediocrity she had begin with. "I thought we had all this all settled, Rinoa. I thought we decided that we didn't have to destroy ourselves for the sake of the future."

"I don't what else to do! You've got friends, you've got a boyfriend, you've got talents and hobbies, you've got all sorts of things you can devote yourself to, but ... I'm nothing." She shook her head sadly. "Just a ball of negativity. I'm anti-everything and pro-nothing. Take away the anger, and I'm nothing. I need it, Selphie, don't you see? I don't even care about these causes, not really. All I care is about having something to fight. The anger is the only thing I have, Selphie. For a brief moment, when I'm pissing people off, when they don't understand me, I'm in control of the world. I'm making an impact on it, I'm changing it, instead of it changing me. It's the only way I can have any friggin' self-worth. Anger fills in the gaps in your life that are missing love. And my life is just one big gaping hole."

Rinoa was so totally wrong that Selphie feared she would not be able to connect with her at all. And that was frustrating, becuase Selphie still wanted to fix everything, to make every human being's life better. Everyone deserved happiness. She just didn't know how to give it to some people. But, she reminded herself, Rinoa was probably more like her than she liked to admit. "Come on, that's not going to solve anything, Rinoa, and you know it."

"I know!" Rinoa howled. She accused herself of all this constantly; she didn't need to hear it again from Selphie and double her pain. "Look, Selphie, you know I don't want to be like this. I know destroying things doesn't solve any problems. But I need it to get by. It's... it's like a drug. It lets me forget about my problems just for a moment by filling my head with something else. Only problem is it's never enough to appease a void as encompassing as me, so I have to do it more and more each time while my life descends into nothingness. You know, I don't really want to be full of anger. I never chose this, but... it's too late to go back. I know I had potential. I could have done a lot; I'm not without my talents, I suppose. But I've fucked up too much for it to matter. I've chosen the wrong path and there's no turning back now. I'm doomed. I'm addicted."

"Come on, Rinoa. You're not a robot. You can control what you do."

"YES!" Rinoa seethed. "Yes, I am a robot!" Selphie seemed to have hit on a sore point. "That's what they've turned me into! You don't understand!"

Selphie fidgeted idly with her shoes. "I guess I don't."

"I want to live, Selphie. I want to have an actual say about what happens to me. I mean ... when the fuck have I ever had any control over my life? When I was a kid I had to go to some strict fucking private school and be a perfect little girl to not make my dad look bad. Now I have to work my ass off to sustain myself and to stay at Garden; I can't complain or I get fired. And everyone thinks they know everything about me and won't give me a chance to be anything more than another fucking drone. Everyone wants something from me; no one wants me." She looked over at Selphie. "I guess that's why I want to be unpredictable. At least destroying something beautiful gives me some control in my life, some way of proving to the world that there's more to me than they think. Because I'm terrified that they're right, Selphie. I'm terrified that I'm really as one-dimensional as they say, and that the only place for me in the world is to have a one-dimensional relationship with a one-dimensional guy like Squall."

She was certainly full of resentment, and it was ugly to see. Selphie had to keep reminding herself that it was good to see Rinoa finally owning up to what she did and trying to work her issues out. And she was starting to catch on, I think. "And all this is so people won't understand you and will be forced to admit you're more than one-dimensional," Selphie surmised.

"Yeah, I guess. I have to show them that I won't smile and take their shit without striking back," Rinoa continued. "That they have to pay attention to what I want. I mean ... at least if people hate me, they noticed me, and if they're upset about the shit I do, then my desires are actually impacting the world. And, yeah, I know you'll say that's selfish, but, fuck it, after all the shit I take from the world, I think I'm entitled to indulge myself a little. I know it's not the most appealing idea, but I gotta get by somehow." She sighed. "I'll admit when I met Seifer, I thought for a time that things could be different. That maybe would someone could really want me only for who I was ... but, no, he was just using me and screwed me over the worst of everyone."

Hyne. She tried so hard to pretend that it was behind her, but it really wasn't. Not at all. And given how long it had been now -- almost three years? -- she doubted it ever would be. Of course, having to see him every single day certainly didn't help matters.

Rinoa sighed and looked distantly into the sky. "I was so naïve, I know." She laughed bitterly at her follies. If she did not reclaim her scars as badges of noble suffering they would be still-festering wounds. "I was sixteen; I'd just run away from home. You know I didn't have a clue about the world. I was just flailing about, like I am now, trying to cover up how I empty is. I don't know why the hell he chose to pick on me. You know, I was never even his girlfriend, not officially. He wouldn't even allow me that dignity. And I should have realized right then that he and I would never amount to anything. But ... he promised me the world. He told me all about his 'romantic dream,' and I fell for it completely. I believed it when he said I was perfect, that I was all he ever wanted, that we could forget the world and just have each other in this... perfect fulfillment of his dream. Of course, as he spent more time with me, reality sunk in and he started to wake up to the fact that I wasn't exactly like whatever he envisioned in his fantasy world. So I got dumped like a lead brick.

"I don't know whether to hate him for what he did to me or to hate myself for not being good enough for him. I was torn, torn between wanting him to take me back and wanting to make him suffer as much as possible. I was up until now. It certainly doesn't help I have to see him in the halls every day. I suppose I can't really blame him as much these days, though. Not after I've seen myself doing the same thing to Squall. He turned me into himself, Selphie, and now I know I do hate him." Selphie nodded to show that she was listening, though she reserved comment.

"The rest of that year, after Seifer left, I was totally depressed. I thought I had everything; I had centered my entire life around him. And then it was taken away from me as fast as it was given to me. I was desperate for attention; I've always been. And when Squall came along ... well, let's face it, he doesn't have much of a life. He clung to me like superglue as soon as I prodded him out of his shell, and he was all too happy to bail me out of all the stupid crap I got myself into. And I guess he made feel safer, at least. I wasn't hating myself day in and day out for not being good enough for Seifer. And I hoped that if I just stuck with him, he'd start to develop into an actual person instead of having the personality of a toothpick forever. Yeah, well, it didn't happen. All he ever did was to ape everything I did, agree with everything I said, and basically turn himself into my toadie in every way he could."

It was nice to see Rinoa actually talking about her own feelings for once, Selphie thought, and she would not risk disturbing this rare moment by interjecting. Besides, Rinoa was probably doing herself the most good just by talking through all this. It was a lot to take for Selphie to take in, but she was also perhaps beginning to understand things a bit more.

"It was after Quistis and Xu moved in together. Squall started dropping hints, wondering why we couldn't do the same. I had to ask myself why that didn't appeal to me at all. And I was forced to admit that it was because I didn't really love him, not the way I wanted to. I mean ... I tried. I really did try, okay? But in the end, he had become just as dependent on me as I had been on Seifer. I'm the only thing he has in his life, you know. His entire existence revolves around me. And ... that's not the kind of relationship I want. So I got out. But it's too late. I already did to him what Seifer did to me. I know he's never to going be happy. Fuck everything." She grabbed a stick and hurled it angrily into the stream.

"I don't want to play these friggin' games; I really don't. But what the hell else is there, Selphie? Is anyone going to care about me, not because I'm the only one who shows any interest in him, not because he wants to mold me into his romantic dream, but just because I'm me?" She shook her head. "I can't even try anymore. I'll just corrupt more people. Seifer infected me, I infected Squall trying to cure myself from what Seifer did to me, and I know Squall will probably ruin some poor other girl trying to get over me. And none of us are ever going to get past it. We'll never find that happiness with anyone else, and the more we try, the more victims we create. Who knew that insecurity was a sexually transmitted disease?" She clenched her fists, shaking with an anger bred of futility. The first few tears slid silently from her eyes. "Damn you, Seifer," she seethed. "Damn you to hell."

Selphie turned to wipe the tears away with her finger. Rinoa quickly calmed only to stare ahead in perfect silence. What else was there left to say? Selphie meditated on this for a moment, then turned back to Rinoa and asked, "Did you ... tell Squall any of this? About Seifer?"

"No," Rinoa admitted with a shrug.

"Maybe you should."

Rinoa shrugged again, insulating herself from the pain with apathy. As long as she did not let it reach her heart, she was safe. "It doesn't matter, Selphie; it's over. He'd never understand." Guilt compelled to defend her actions more and more, because she was beginning to sense this explanation was not good enough. "Look, Selphie, he doesn't have the emotional intelligence to make sense of this. He doesn't have opinions; he doesn't have any experience with anything that I haven't shoved him into; he's just a big blank mark. I hate it. It's the same thing that everyone else does to me, except of treating me like shit no matter what I do, he fawns over me no matter what I do. Either way, I've lost all responsibility for myself. I could dismember him and he'd still say 'Well, that's okay.' He makes me feel like a fucking robot, and I hate it!"

Selphie drew her knees and wrapped her arms around them. She tilted her head to peer inquisitively at Rinoa. "If you don't tell him ... how can you expect him to understand?" That thought was allowed to sink in for a moment before she continued, "Maybe you should give him the respect he needs to grow up. He cares about you a lot, you know."

Rinoa looked away and sighed. "I know, and that's another one of the reasons he bothers me so much, Selphie. I don't feel like I deserve to be doted on. What have I really done for him? He's just trying to justify his own existence by clinging to me; that's the only reason."

"Rinoa, please," Selphie said. "He might not be who you thought. Just ... talk to him. For me?"

Rinoa sighed. She had to admit that Selphie was right about one thing -- she hadn't really given Squall much of a chance to prove himself more than a yes-man. And while she was still skeptical he could be more than that, she couldn't really say it with any authority if she wasn't speaking from experience. "All right. I'll talk to him. I'm not getting back together, you understand; I'm just going to tell him about why I dumped him."

"I wasn't suggesting that, of course not," Selphie said. "I just think it would be ... foolish to throw everything away and never speak to him again, not even to wrap up loose ends."

Rinoa frowned. Yes, what Selphie suggested was what she would have liked the most, but it seemed so difficult a plan to implement in this cruel world. Could she really bear to let her defenses down and risk getting hurt again? "I guess this means I have to give up the furnisexuality game, then."

"Rinoa, no offense, but, um, you weren't exactly fooling anyone with that to begin with."

"Yeah, but ... at least I can tell myself for a little while that I don't need people, you know? Then I can lie and pretend I'm misunderstood and that there's hope that someone will see good in me, when I know I'm really perfectly well understood and just worthless dirt."

"You're not dirt," Selphie quickly cut in, but Rinoa continued on.

"I just need some kind of cover. Some way of convincing myself that I don't need people, that the reason I'm alone is because I'm better than all them. It's like I said -- I'm just trying to make noise as much possible to cover up the deafening silence that my life really is. I need to be able to see him in the halls without feeling like shit for needing him."

Selphie sighed. "You have to let go of your pride, Rinoa." Perhaps a bit too stern, not quite understanding enough, but she was not perfect and Rinoa's anger was difficult to bear.

"Have to? To do what?" Rinoa said. "I don't want to submit. No matter how hellish my life gets, I'd still take my freedom and dignity over any supposed solution that requires me to bow down and beg from another. That's the only one way I can live, Selphie. I mean, sure, I'll go talk to Squall, but don't expect to get down on my knees and beg anyone for anything. I have my dignity, and even if it destroys me I won't let go one of the thing I have over the world. I won't let them win. Y'know ... better to reign in hell than serve in heaven."

"And what if we can all reign in heaven?"

Rinoa said nothing and just kept staring at Selphie. This was not enough of an argument to bother replying to, so she waited for Selphie to elaborate her ideas.

"Rinoa, sometime you have to put away the training wheels and strike out on your own without anything to lean on. Or you'll never really solve the problems that are causing you sorrow. You can give up your pride now without losing it forever. If you can give up control, forget what you know for just one moment, you can find a chance to seize a better future. You know ... swallow your pride and talk to Squall and maybe you'll find a reason to feel even better about yourself. You have to take chances sometimes, even though I know it's not easy."

"And what if things don't work out? I have to cover my bases somehow. And like I said, I don't have much left. I can't risk getting hurt and dragged through the mud again..." She looked away sadly, gazing up into the tree's leafy boughs as she thought of all the humiliation she had suffered. "...I'm not sure I could take it."

Selphie nodded. "Yeah," she agreed. "I know it's a risk, but ... you can find the courage to let go if you have faith. Faith in people, faith in ... whatever you think is important. When circumstances strip away everything you think you know, all that's left is whether or not you believe. The goodwill that you will invest in others by trusting them, helping them, and allowing them to help you will be paid back to you, I promise you. Maybe not every time. But enough times." She paused for a moment, having said her piece, but more thoughts quickly jumped to her. "You know, despite all that's happened, despite all that's happened, no matter how bad things get, I still believe in people. I've seen too much to dispute that. Not after everyone in Trabia rallied to help someone they didn't even know, not after Xu managed to find her way out of hell - with your help!, not after Chu-Chu volunteered to stay with her, not after Zell and Irvine saved me and Xu saved you and Seifer."

Of course, finding faith in other people was something far easier said than done. Selphie knew her own faith and trust had been battered and tested uncountable times, and she was a seasoned optimist. But if Rinoa could just take that first step... all she had to acknowledge that she wanted better than what she had; then she could begin to realize it...

Rinoa had fallen silent instead of retorting, and Selphie's heart surged with hope. She had made a difference; taken an axe to the frozen sea within Rinoa and somehow managed to chip a path to the light in it. She had done it! Even if Rinoa did not change her mind now, she had shown some inkling that she had not given up on the universal quest for love and peace. Well, Selphie, this shows you do know what you're doing, after all. Don't forget this the next time you or anyone else starts doubting you.

"All right," Rinoa said at last. "I'll do it." Whoo-hoo! "But I... can I ask you a question?"

"Of course." I did it! I did it! Not only had she averted a crisis ... she grinned and giggled with delight to think of the future rewards that might come from this.

"If I don't ... if I don't want to take pride in being a victim, or get angry, what should I do when I hurt?"

"You'll have to find something for yourself, Rinoa. Something positive."

"Just ... tell me what you do. I want to know."

"What do I do? Well... I have wonderful friends to lean on, first and foremost." Her previous thoughts started to drift back. "People who believe in me and give me the faith to know that everything will turn out all right. People who support me, who pick me up when I'm down, applaud me when I succeed, ease my sorrows and amplify my joys." The events of the morning filled her conscious, forcing to acknowledge her just how little she would be without them. "People who ... often know me better than myself and can guide me back to what I really want when I've been led astray."

"Yeah, but how many fucking friends do I have? I'm either the stuck-up rich kid or the loudmouth counterculture loner; no one likes me either way."

"I believe in you, Rinoa. And I know that, no matter what the movies may say, you are a beautiful and unique snowflake."

"I..." No one had ever said anything like that to her before. Selphie believed in her? And she hadn't even done anything for Selphie, just caused a lot of trouble and nearly got her thrown in jail. "Thanks. I ... I guess you're my friend, too."

"Of course I am, silly." Selphie giggled. The angst and frustration was giving way to moments of levity. Her spirits rose, carrying her whole soul, mind, and body with it. Everything about the world just seemed better. The jokes funnier, the birds' songs more melodic, the grass greener, and herself an infinitely more important and beautiful person.

Friends. Yes, she liked having those. She put her arm around Rinoa's shoulders and grinned. Not only was it such a relief to see Rinoa shattering her facade of iconoclasm, it felt good to have her so grateful for Selphie's efforts. After so many weeks of feeling like she was useless and struggling to keep everything together, genuine appreciation was hard to come by.

"But I can't leech off you all the time," Rinoa protested.

"Well ... my music helps me a lot too. Have you ever tried singing or playing an instrument? I ... well, for me, it's a really good outlet, something I can put my feelings into, even when I'm by myself. Even if I feel like it's just me and Gracie and my guitar versus the world, that's a lot better than being completely alone."

Rinoa shook her head. "Nah. I'd never live up to Mom." She picked up a pebble and skipped it across the water to distract herself from this sore point. "Really, what can I do? The only way I can justify not being as important as my parents is by objecting to everything that's good about them. And I know that's never going to get me anywhere." As her feelings gravitated back towards frustration, she saw her attempt to distract herself had failed. She pounded her fist against the grass. "I feel like such a failure sometimes."

"No person is a failure who has friends, dear. And I'll always be your friend."

Rinoa was silent again. It seemed to a satisfied silence, though, like Selphie had finally given her satisfactory observations to all her questions. Selphie smiled as peace enveloped them both and warmed with the wonderful knowledge that the universe was not wrong after all. She had to admit that she had never thought this conversation capable of yielding a bounty it did. She hadn't wanted to get involved Rinoa's problems, she had thought she had too many herself, but this time her faith in others had paid off. She certainly felt a lot more confident about herself and her capacity to drag herself out of the holes she dug. And it was so nice to hear Rinoa talk about honestly about her frusterations instead of trying to mask them with anger.

The desire to emote tugged at her. But the linear conversation had reached its limit. Perhaps it was time to explore the reaches of the soul that spoken words could not. Without the slightest hesitation - she did this too often for it to be difficult - Selphie leapt from speech to song.