Quistis' successful venture into hell restored a note of hope to Balamb Garden. Though the "museum warez" debate raged on, Garden's inhabitants once again were able to view their fates with some degree of confidence. At last, someone had actually done something to show their lives were still vessels they could aspire to steer. It had seemed like they had already crossed the event horizon of utter despair, and that the inevitable decay of order was stronger than anything their humanity could put forth. They could only watch as their worlds fell apart.

But the world had surprised them. Something good had finally happened. Quistis and her friends had come through and found some way to push forward yet again. Perhaps this downward spiral was not forever. Perhaps some things were still stronger than the pull of despair.

The Free Kisaragi Foundation slowly grew into an actual foundation. Selphie could not help but feel she was accomplishing something when people she didn't even know were showing up to their meetings. Then she knew they weren't doing this as a favor to her, but because they really cared! They really believed in what she spoke; really wanted to save Yuffie.

And yet she had a thorn in her side that was steadily growing into a full-size patch of artery-piercing brambles. Rinoa hated admitting she was wrong under the most amenable of circumstances; when her insistence that Selphie's mission to hell was a born failure was thrown back in her face, she turned her into a violent crusader for dignity. Selphie could not help but wonder if sometimes Rinoa was disagreeing with her - which was pretty much all the time - just for the sake of disagreeing.

She probably wouldn't have noticed, could have gotten the worries off her mind, if it wasn't for the indisputable fact that her close friends were dwindling in number. Chu-Chu was in hell. Quistis had gone to stay at the lighthouse in Centra to wait for Xu. Fujin and Raijin seemed to be gone for good. Squall was still a hopeless heartbroken mess. And Mikoto - not that she had ever been Selphie's friend - was still heralding a new savior of rock'n'roll every other day and proclaiming that she "didn't care enough to care about anything" as if it was something to be proud of.

At least she still had Zell. She thought she felt a little more grateful for him every day, especially now that she could do more with him. His determination to expand his horizons was starting to show; he quoted Julia Heartilly lyrics and was excited as she was about seeing Jet Baby 5. So when she wanted to take a trip to the planetarium - she was a sucker for anything with stars, of course, and she would have already gone had she not been busy campaigning for Yuffie's freedom - she no longer felt that she was molding him into anything he wasn't.

Selphie, of course, was still Selphie, and she managed to find twenty other interesting things she wanted to do on the way to the museum. First she stopped for groceries. Then when they were crossing the Fourth Street bridge, they had the idea to stop and feed the ducks. That was fun, and the ducks sure were cute. Well, even if Rinoa was perpetually angry, the ducks were happy to see them.

Then they stopped at the mall, where Selphie bought a new chocobo farm set for her model train. She even tossed a couple of gil in the mall fountain to wish Yuffie luck. Selphie grinned. One of the best things about life was that there was so much more than what you had planned.

Zell was happy to come along, of course. He always had a good time on these excurions; besides being with Selphie, these activities were all fun. And eye-opening. Yes, he felt a little silly each time he did something new or forgotten - why hadn't he been involved like this before? But he figured that it was slowly rubbing off on him, even if he was lagging behind. He wouldn't have thought to stop and feed the ducks, but he would want to stop and check out stores he'd never been in. And buy silly little things. Maybe there was hope for him yet.

He was thinking about all the places that she'd taken him he'd never have gone before when she grabbed his hand and pointed into the Hot Topic storefront they were passing by. "Hey, it's Squall!"

Bwahahahahaha! Oh, this was priceless. Squall really was shopping at Hot Topic. He tried to burst out at laughing at the image of Squall sorting through racks of earth-toned striped shirts that could have been copied-and-pasted off a Weezer album cover. It was all so terribly, horribly fitting.

Seeming oblivious to the comedy gold on display here, Selphie had gone into the store. "Hi, Squall, what's up?"

"I hate myself and I want to die."

"Okay, let me rephrase the question: What's new with you?"

He shrugged. "I'm looking for some new T-shirts. Seifer thinks that maybe they will help Rinoa realize what a huge mistake she's made. I'm just trying to help her, you know. Like, she told me the other day she couldn't talk because she was about to eat lunch, so I told her I hoped she had a supremely tasty lunch, and then I called up her later to ask her if she was a good lunch and to find out what she ate. I want to make sure she feels special and appreciated, even if she says I'm 'creepy' and 'incredibly annoying.' She just doesn't know what she missing."

"Squall, um ... with all due respect and kindness, and I do think you are a good person, perhaps you should consider whether your 'help' is really necessary."

"But she can't live without me! Seifer said so!"

"Mm-hmm."

"Oh, Hyne, no!" Zell had spotted, with great horror, a Filth Brigade T-shirt. Oh, how could they? The teeny-boppers had claimed the friggin' Filth Brigade. Now he could no longer enjoy one of his favorite bands in good conscience; they were no longer a name to be dropped but a pariah to be vilified. And what a shame, too; he was really getting to like them. Sell-outs!

Of course, when he was home alone, their seminal album "Bloodsucking Penis Fish" would still find its way into his CD player. But it would be coming out of his secret Drawer of Shame, not the racks where he proudly displayed the real records that established him as a true punk. It was just one of those things you had to do so you'd fit in. It wasn't that he liked the band any less. Gah. He was supposed to be above this sort of pettiness, but his avoidance of pettiness had turned into a pettiness all its own.

And it was kind of a nice T-shirt...

Blah. It was all too easy to perpetuate this running joke. It was funny! He made an amusing caricature; people liked him that way. And it made him easier to deal with; people knew exactly what he was and where he fit in their lives. He wasn't complicated; he wasn't difficult to understand. Hell, it even gave him a convenient place to belong, a pre-fashioned, plug-and-play identity that offered him the immediate comfort of thousands just like him. But, dangit, he liked Julia Heartily, he liked the color pink, he liked romantic movies, and the noble goal of making himself less complicated could only counter his soul so long.

One hand slowly lifted the shirt off the rack. Ugh, he knew it was ridiculous to feel self-conscious about this. No one in the store knew or cared about him except Selphie, and she didn't care where he shopped. But he was discovering that, despite his mastery of being an elitist punk, he was still terribly inexperienced at being anything else. He'd never really tried being a consumer whore before and it seemed it was going to take plenty of training. Yes, as much as he liked to pretend he was just plain better than everyone else, they were all only equally adept at living in their own niches. There was not only one standard to measure his life by.

"I thought you hated this store?" Selphie sounded more like she was making sure than rubbing it in.

But his look answered everything for her. He wished he could leave it all behind. He didn't want to have to justify himself, because it was only giving only more credibility to words he no longer believed in. He didn't really see his world in such a black-and-white way, didn't want to have his old foolish words placed in his mouth. He felt a little proud of changing, felt that his growth deserved some acclaim. But at the same time he didn't want to dwell on it to the point that he felt like a loser because his improvement was such a big deal. But mostly he wanted to live as if he had never been such a fool.

"I'd say I succumbed, but ... I wanted this," Zell said as they walked out of the store. He was not even hiding his bag - which contained the shirt and a copy of Now That's What I Call Unlistenable Pop-Rock Shit! 7 - but swinging it merrily at his side. "And I don't really believe in guilty pleasures. Why should you ever feel guilty about the things that you define you? Besides, there's only so much you can do with three-chord progressions."

Selphie nodded. Indeed.

"You know, I've always been frustrated because it seems like I have to cling to one identity, buy into all the values that go along with it, but the objective part of me can always see the value of the things that they're looking down. There's a part of me in all these groups, and that's what's confusing. I could be a punk, I could be a snotty indie scenester like Mikoto, I could be a teary-eyed emo kid, I could be an angry radical, I could be a consumer whore ... hell, I could even be a Linux nerd like Yuffie or something like that. But ... well, I guess I can be all of those at the same time. I don't have to choose my identity from a multiple choice list of convenient social circles. I can have my own tastes and personality, like whatever I really like and do what I whatever I really do, no matter how eclectic they seem. I'm me; I'm not just a stereotype. So what if I like some of the same bands as someone who's a complete jackass? That doesn't mean I'm going to be like him in other ways. I don't have to be scared to me. Anyway, I'm babbling, so let's go play Funky Fantasy." He chuckled out of sheer delight.

Fair enough, Selphie concluded. Problems that had already been solved were not worth dwelling on. And she was happy to see him feeling a lot better about himself - she knew it would only bring better things for the both of them.

They headed across the mall towards the arcade. Rinoa darted out of the bookstore, carrying some recently redistributed wealth. She was quite happy with her latest acqusition: Reviving Celeste: Exposing Oppressive Gender Roles in Contemporary Elephant Society. This should come in handy when rewriting the cultural narrative contexts of savannah life. Oh, those elephants always seemed to ignore her, acting like they didn't need or care about her revolution. One of the elephants - a female one, no one less! what an Uncle Tom! - even tried to step on her. But she would not quite! She was not content to leave things the way they were; she would find a way to fix the world. Unfortunately, Mother Nature seemed to be winning not just the battle but the war.

As soon as she made eye contact with Selphie, Rinoa scowled and rushed over to confront her. "What the hell are you two doing here?"

"Shopping," Selphie said defensively. She knew Rinoa had already found her guilty as charged and was just waiting to launch into some bitter invective. Had her willing purchase of more than one material product proved that she was a slave to the capitalist pigs? Did her shocking lack of a Che Guevara T-shirt not conform to anarchist fashion? Or was someone doing it all for the oil again?

"Well, you're not clapping, that's what you're doing," Rinoa said. "Remember? Yuffie isn't coming back unless you all keep clapping." She gestured angrily towards their shopping bags. "If your life was threatened, wouldn't you expect your friends to rescue you instead of hanging out at the mall?"

Selphie frowned. Yes, Rinoa did have a point, but it irritated Selphie that Rinoa had made everyone else's life her business. "What's it to you? She's my friend, remember? Come on, even if I was in Yuffie's situation I wouldn't to completely destroy my friends' lives."

"Like I said, she could be any of us. One for all, all for one. We have a responsiblity to the future to fight, you selfish hedonistic rat. Whatever stupid fun you have now is gone as soon as it's over, but everybody goddamn bit of freedom you win us will be a benefit to countless people until the end of time. What are you going to tell the next one thousand years of human civilization, Selphie? That you were too busy playing video games, caught up in your selfishness, to win them the freedom they yearn for? I'm sure the history books will look real kindly on that. Like I said, the world isn't going to stop because some preppy white girl wants to party. Now you'd better show up at the next FKF meeting. We're depending on you, after all; you're supposed to be our leader." Having temporarily emptied herself of rage, Rinoa stormed off in a huff without giving Selphie chance to reply.

Not there was much Selphie could have said. Rinoa was right, and Selphie knew it. She was selfish. She was failing in her duties. And yet ... she had been doing the only things she knew how to do. She wasn't Rinoa. She wasn't cut for such relentless fighting. But that was her problem, not the world's, wasn't it? She had to face reality, and the reality was there still far too problems in the world for her to be having fun. So much for her joyful mood.

Zell hugged her. "Don't listen to her," he assured her. "You can't discriminate against yourself in favor of others, remember? It's the same thing you told me. You're doing the best job you can."

"Yeah, I guess I should take my own advice, huh? But..." Her restless eyes meandered about the mall. She could not say she was looking for anything, but neither was she secure enough to look straight ahead and be happy with what she saw. "I'm not so sure I really am doing the best job I can. I don't have to be here. I could be writing more letters and doing interviews and raising money and..."

Zell nodded sympathetically. He didn't think that Selphie should feel guilty, but he also completely understood why she did. "There's only so much you can do, Selphie," he said. "One person can't fix all the world's problems."

"I know. But... I want Yuffie home. I really do want to save everyone, Zell. Every last child, every last criminal who has turned down a bad path, every victim of disease, last person suffering, and ... and I can't." No, she told herself. She couldn't get too upset; here she was standing in the middle of a crowded mall, it wouldn't do to burst out in tears. She took a breath to calm herself and summed up her feelings. "I know I can't change everything; you're right. But I just can't shut off my heart, Zell; I just can't. I like people; I want them to be happy."

To distract her troubled mind, Selphie took her Rubik's Cube out of her pocket and clicked the rows and columns around. It seemed like she was making progress, yet a completed cube remained as elusive as ever. "You know, I still haven't gotten this thing figured out." She chuckled ironically. "I suppose that's the story of my life. Every time I try to fix one thing, it screws up my solution to something else. It's like ... I want Yuffie back very much, but I don't know how much long I can keep this up."

Her hands moved idly over the cube, seeking comfort in something tangible and unchanging. She did not twist the rows and columns any; after all, she wasn't paying attention, so why screw up the progress she had already made? "Dreaming is such hard work, Zell. It's tiring to try to keep your vision alive. To force yourself no matter how much you're down to reimagine your suffering as just another obstacles along the way. It's like you made this perfect painting that somehow embodies your entire soul. Of course, the painting has to sit somewhere, so you put out in the park, out in the world, so that people can see it. But it also rains out there, and mud gets on your painting, you know, just from being out in the physical world, and a few people will smear your painting just to make it look worse. Or because they're jealous that your painting is prettier than theirs. And you have to come back every day and try to remember how it looked and paint all the blank spaces over again. But ... after so many times, it gets harder to remember what it looked like originally, and you get tired of having to keep fixing it. Because it's never quite as good as it was originally. That's what I feel like, Zell. I used to be able to paint a perfectly realized picture of the future I wanted, but now... I can't keep fighting, not when there's this great a vaccuum of love in the world. If they want to destroy the light that badly, then fine. I guess they deserve to, if they're going to try that hard. I can't go on caring; I can't. My heart can't take it."

"I know," he said softly. He faced the same challenges, too, trying to change himself. He wanted so much to grow up and be and do everything that he could, that the world offered, but ... that took a lot of work. A lot of struggling to break his old habits, a lot of swallowing his foolish pride. There were many times when he wanted to just crawl up and go back to listening to punk records all day. It was certainly safer that way. So he knew how hard it was to go on dreaming. Perhaps not to the degree that Selphie - or perhaps so.

"Sometimes I start to worry if there's any hope for us," Selphie murmured, staring with great intent at the tiles on the floor. Once she got started, the thoughts came pouring out. Her pent-up sorrow was yearning to be bared to the world so at least it did not have to deny its own existence. "I mean ... all of us. It seems like there's always going to be people suffering. Like there's always going to be someone willing to push that button to fire the missiles and take away another dozen best friends. Maybe they can say that Yuffie made bad decisions and she's being punished. But what about Sun Hye? What about people born with crippling physical defects? What did they ever do wrong? It's easy for us to pretend that everything will work out, but what if doesn't? We all like to think we're the Hollywood heroes who always emerge victorious and in love; we turn away from the suffering of others because they're just the expendable sidekicks. We think that we're the main characters and only we matters. But everyone wants to be the main characters. And yet most of us are we going to be end up as flunkies and sidekicks. The ones who have to sacrifice our lives for the cause, or who have to forget our hearts' longings so the hero and heroine can get together. The ones who die for the chosen few. It's like a game of musical chairs. There's not enough caring in the world for all of us and we're all fighting to get in one of the spots where we can be one of the chosen happy ones. And the people who don't, who aren't happy... what justifies that kind of suffering? How can we look anyone in the eye and tell them that their life isn't as important as ours?

"I suppose that's the same argument Rinoa used against Quistis to justify campaigning for Yuffie, but... but it works both ways. Our crusade to free Yuffie is hurting people like Xu just as much as Garden's need for financial solvency is hurting Yuffie. It seems like anything anyone wants is only going to take away from someone else. And ... I can't bear to hurt anyone. I don't want to fight at all. I want everyone to be happy. But that's not going to happen, is it?"

She sighed and looked up. "I'm thinking maybe I should let Rinoa take over the Free Kisaragi Foundation. I mean, she's the one that's really into this campaigning and she makes pretty much all the decisions anyway. I'm sure that would take some of the stress off me..."

Zell nodded thoughtfully as he considered this proposition. "But you're worried that you'll be helpless."

"Yeah, exactly."

"Well, you could still help out. Just let her do what she's best at and you can fill in in the ways you're comfortable. Don't forget, you matter to a lot more people and entities than the FKF. I care about you, so do Irvine and Quistis and Emma. And you're still in SeeD ... you still like to play music. You still like trains and Beanie Babies and video games. You're a multi-faceted person. Don't try to reduce yourself to existing for only one thing. You'll still be a three-dimensional round peg that doesn't fit into that two-dimensional square hole. And that's what living for the FKF is..." Hyne, that had sort of all slipped out. He hoped it didn't sound too corny.

She stuffed the cube back in her pocket and looked him in the eyes. Time to get on with this. "I know you're right; it's just hard for me to really convince myself," she sounded resigned to her helplessness yet determined not to give into worser things. "It's not easy to walk away from suffering."

He smiled. "Well, we're here to play Funky Fantasy not suffer, remember?"

She laughed. When things were going badly, it was so easy to get sucked into a spiral where people only made each other more depressed and miserable. Thank goodness Zell could still break out of that enough to give her something to hold onto and pull herself out with. "...thanks," she said.

They finished their journey to the arcade. Selphie hopped up on the Funky Fantasy dance pad, quite determined to lose herself in the game. She needed to prove that she was not merely a slave to the FKF before she lost herself completely. And she had to admit that a rather selfish part of her wanted to spite Rinoa for trying to take away all the joy in her life. Her soul told her she was working hard enough and Rinoa deserved a slap in the face for guilt-tripping her so much.

So what was left to do but rock the arcade? "Oh, you two are GOOD friends!" the Funky Fantasy announcer bellowed, impressed by their cooperative performance on "Eyes On Me."

Selphie let her feet carry her through the familiar song and glanced over at her partner. "Have you been practicing?" she shouted over the music.

"Well ... sorta."

She grinned.

"Hey, you never know when dance practice will come in handy, right?"

The results popped up on the screen. Whoo hoo! They rated a B! They certainly did make a good team, and they were only getting better. Selphie flashed an excited thumbs-up. "Booyaka!"

"Yeah, we're getting better," Zell agreed. "Remember last summer when we rented the kayak at Obel Lake? Hyne, did it ever take us a long time to get coordinated." Irvine had been having another panic attack, so Zell offered to go with her intead. And then Fujin rear-ended their kayak and knocked them both into the water. Heheh. Yeah, they certainly were a lot more coordinated now. Hmm, on the other hand, though, they had certainly done a bang-up job when they were attacking Lunatic Pandora. She had been manning the guns (of course) and Zell had been flying the Ragnarok... maybe they just tended to rise to the occasion. When crises came they always knew what to do.

She frowned. Thinking of her past confused her. So much had changed. Even last summer was a big leap back in her life: she had still been dating Irvine and she remained blissfully ignorant about intellectual property debates. Did all the change amount to something good or bad? She liked to think that she was moving forward, yet the past taunted her with memories of laughter and love. That Obel Lake trip was such a pleasant memory; she couldn't help but chuckle to think of her and Zell floundering about, soaking wet, in the lake and Fujin's expression of puzzled guilt. But sometimes "pleasant memory" felt like an oxymoron to her: the fact they were only memories now made her heart ache.

She had been about to wish could return to such halcyon days, before this whole museum warez mess... but. But. But this, but that. But now she wasn't sure they were really so halcyon, that was it. She couldn't wish to go back to a time before she was so close to Zell; couldn't pretend that what she had with Irvine was really what her heart desired. It would be like boarding her heart and her mind up again.

And as carefree as those times might have seemed, she knew even there had been plenty of strife. Sun Hye was still gone. So, what did she want? To regress all the way back to when she was 16? Yes, she might have been happier then, but she could hardly believe that the last four years had only made her worse off. Who was she to trade one friend for another? To give up Zell and Quistis for Yuffie and Sun Hye? Every moment of her life had its ups and downs. It was like that butterfly thing Irvine used to talk about; she didn't know where she'd be if anything in her life had happened differently.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Eh, nothing important."

"It's important to me; you know I care."

Heh. She hadn't been expecting him to say that, but now it made her smile. She got used to hiding her pain from the world that sometimes she forgot some people really did want to help her. So she offered an explanation: "Well... I'm not sure whether I'm wishing things were as simple as they had been, or being surprised that for all that I've lost, I seemed to have gained plenty too." She sighed and shrugged. "I don't know what to think."

On a sudden impulse, she hugged him - and a little surprised, he quickly embraced her back. The thought of how much her life could be had suddenly slammed into her mind like a liberating army of common sense. "Thank goodness you're still here," she sighed.

"Woobaby."

Their heads turned simultaneously to see Chu-Chu rolling into the arcade. "Selphie! Zell!" She came to a flying stop in front of Zell and planted her feet firmly in the ground to halt herself. "Hey there, sweetcheeks. Is that some pulsating man-meat in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"

"Um... well, yes, I'm happy to see you, but, uh, not like that..."

"Chu-Chu!" Selphie bent down to embrace her friend. She was so delighted to see another friend -- any friend. "What are you doing back here? Is Xu...?"

"No," Chu-Chu said. "But I think she's getting better. Chu-Chu is just here chu deliver some letters for her: one for her parents and one for Instructor Trepe. I wrote Franzy-poo a letter chu." Chu-Chu held out her hand. "See, Auron stamped my hand, so Chu-Chu can get back into hell for free. Irvine told me chu guys went to the mall. So I came here to say hi before I went back and maybe I'll try chu break my high score on the Muff Diver machine while I'm here." She licked her lips.

For once, Selphie just grinned and patted her furry friend on the head. "Don't ever change, Chu-Chu."

Chu-Chu beamed. "Okay! By the way, chu guys, Colonel Xu convinced me that I should take a vow of celibacy when I become a SeeD."

Two stupefied stares tried to believe this.

"April Fools'!"

They both groaned and shook their heads. Chu-Chu basked in her triumph (silly humans!) for a few moments and then she took a few 50-gil pieces out of her piece. "C'mon, let's go. 'Do it All Night.'"

* * *

Waiting was not as easy as Quistis had expected. She had thought that with a promise from Mengshi of her imminent return, and even a physical token of it, she would feel completely secure and be perfectly content to wait in the little shack by the lighthouse until Mengshi escaped from hell. Being alone was supposed to give her a good chance to sort out her feelings, come to peace with these tribulations, and prepare herself for both Mengshi's reappearance and the possibility that the month might pass without her return.

But this had turned out even more trying than journeying to hell, Quistis reflected as she trudged up the stairs of the lighthouse. Then she had been acting to decide her fate, but now she was completely helpless. Her mission was now to muster up enough faith to counter her feelings of futility. There was no new path she could hope to seek, nor any new action she could undertake to bring them together. Everything lay in Mengshi's hands now.

But Quistis was certainly not without faith. The world being as dreary as it was, it was hard to remember that things were getting brighter. But she knew they were: Mengshi was clearly feeling more confident about herself if she was honest about her sorceress powers now. Quistis had certainly been overjoyed to receive that letter; she had immediately dashed off a letter of her own for Chu-Chu to take back to hell. That was a welcome whisper of comfort, enough to drown out the screams of despair in her heart.

She reached the top of the lighthouse. By the building's lamp, she could see the waves crashing against the moonlit beach, bearing in rocks and shells and bottles but no Mengshi. Quistis had adopted a completely nocturnal schedule, rousing herself every evening as the sun set to go tend the lighthouse in case Mengshi emerged during the night and needed it to find her way to shore. Then she would call Selphie to chat as much as they could before Selphie had to go to bed. Even letting go of Selphie at night was sometimes difficult - when she hung up, Quistis lost her last line to civilization. She had discovered that living by herself quickly became oppresively lonely. She was drowning in a torrent of emptiness, deprived of a chance to be a part of something greater than one's own soul. She had a few ways to keep herself entertained, though: reading, needlepoint, playing Triple Triad in her head, pounding training dummies to let off her frustration. But many times she would simply sit and watch the waves, holding her yang amulet, until the sun rose to guide Mengshi and she could sleep.

She had to be eternally vigilant. Mengshi could return at any moment - and she would be stuck on this uninhabited rock were Quistis not waiting for her. And what other choice did Quistis have? Go back to Garden and pretend to forget about her lover? It was like she had told Selphie: Even if she didn't want to, she'd be dreaming of her. Abandoning Mengshi was simply unthinkable. This vigil was frusterating and torturous but it was the only option her heart knew. She simply couldn't imagine what sort of circumstances could force her - could force anyone - to take quick, fleeting fulfillment over the promise of a blissful future that Mengshi offered.

She had faith. They would be together again, sooner or later. And living without Mengshi, struggling to preserving Mengshi's memory, made it even easier to appreciate all that Mengshi had brought -- and would again bring -- to her life. It was all too true that one could not appreciate what one had until one had lost it all. So there was a strange sort of upside to all this.

Quistis tore off another page from her desk calendar. She had been worried when she started this ritual that the countdown might seem like a death sentence, but it didn't really. No use getting worried yet. Mengshi still had several weeks; it was only March 30th, and Midgar had never been built in a day. She knew that, insecurities aside, Mengshi was a wonderfully capable and determined person, and could probably force her way out of hell in no time now that she was properly motivated.

What worried Quistis more was the possibility that she might start to resent Mengshi for taking so long to return. It would be a groundless resentment, of course. Quistis was here out of free will, because she believed in Mengshi and wanted to wait for her. And she knew that Mengshi certainly did not want to see her suffer and doing all she could to escape hell. Still, she worried that this temporary torment might have a permament effect on her. So as to ensure that she would not forget why she was enduring this torture, she re-read nightly Mengshi's letters and looked through as many photos as she had of them. They made her wish very much that Mengshi were here beside right now. But that was wanted to feel.

Yes, she conceded, most people probably never endured trials as brutally honed as this. But extraordinary circumstances called for extraordinary measures. A month of agony was a small price to pay if she could truly cheat death.

She held their promise in her hand and watched the waves.

* * *

While Quistis kept up her vigil, heartache of a different - and extremely petty - kind continued to haunt SeeD's former rising star. Squall was still lonely without his one true love and when he got out of bed in the morning he tripped over his Gunblade and by mistake he dropped his emo sweater in the sink while the water was running and he could tell it was going to be another terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.

And the cafeteria was out of his favorite black coffee, so he had to settle for pop instead. He put his money in the machine and spent an inordinate amount of time deliberating over the many new beverages offered. There was Milk: Code Red and Vanilla Orange Juice ... Midnight Black Ruby Red Sprite and Dr. Pepper Mud Fusion. Or perhaps Diet Coke: Bilious Green, or even Mountain Dewprism: Red Fusion: White Flash: Condition Green. He pushed the button for Diet Coke: Bilious Green, but nothing came out. And when he tried another button, it told him he hadn't put any money in. That wasn't fair! Didn't this piece of junk realize he had feelings? The machine hurt him on the inside when it ate his money.

I bet in Esthar, the pop machines never eat your money. But here in Balamb, the whole world was conspiring to make him miserable. He was so depressed that he started crying right there and then Zell called him a crybaby who was fiddling while Midgar burned and while he was punching Zell for saying crybaby the Headmaster walked by and scolded him for fighting. I am having a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day, he told everybody. No one even answered.

Maybe he should just kill himself since everyone obviously hated him, he thought. But knowing him, he'd probably fail at that too.

So he grudgingly went back to Seifer to report his progress on winning back Rinoa's heart. "Well, I bought some T-shirts like you said. And I came up with some jokes that might make her laugh. Okay, get this one: Why do gophers wear two pairs of pants? In case they dig a hole in one!"

Seifer smirked. How perfectly horribly. Squall was sure to keep that stupid bitch tormented for a long time. Damn, am I ever clever.

"But I can't talk to Rinoa. She keeps avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak. What do I do?"

"Don't worry; I've got it taken care of. I cut the power cord to the elevator so it'll get stuck. The two of you can trapped together there. Chicks dig it when they're physically unable to avoid talking to you; she'll fall for you in no time when she has no other options."

Squall frowned. "Didn't Selphie try something like this one? I seem to remember it being kind of a disaster."

"Who are you to argue with me?"

Boy, did he ever not have an answer to that question. "Yeah, okay, sorry."

"This is the way the world works, Squall. Trust me."

* * *

Selphie hated to see Chu-Chu traipsing back to hell, but she knew her friend had a job to do. Chu-Chu was quite convinced that she could make a difference and would not hestiate to do so. Selphie had to admit she was a little jealous of her friend's unwavering faith, the ease with which she shrugged off any evidence suggesting she wasn't good enough. Chu-Chu was unflinchingly sure she could get Xu out of hell and her determination probably meant it would come true. At the very least, it was infectious -- Selphie had no doubts that Chu-Chu could get Xu out of hell. But her own ability to save Yuffie? She'd never give up, but she sometimes despaired that she would ever accomplish anything. What made the difference between them? Chu-Chu seemed intrinsically full of faith, and it frustrated Selphie that she couldn't be the same way. She simply didn't know how to be that confident about herself, not when she still had so much work to do.

But at least they had gotten to see each other. Connecting to her friends gave her soul the nourishment it needed to endure times like these. She was just a lone one-winged angel and she needed many peers to lift her up into the sky. And she was also quite pleased with their Funky Fantasy performance - she had finally rated an A on the five-Chocobo-track version of "Somnia Memorias."

It was getting rather late, but they still managed to make it to their original destination: the planetarium. And the upshot of arriving so late was that they were the only visitors in the theater. Bugenhagen was still there, of course, waiting to ramble about stars to anyone who would listen. But when he saw the distant, melancholy looks of his latest visitors, he decided not to test their endurance further. "Ah, greetings, greetings," he said. "You don't look so well."

"It's okay," Selphie said.

"Have you lost your way? When that happens we each have to take a good long look at ourselves. There's always something in the deepest reaches of our hearts. Something buried, or something forgotten. Remember it. Whatever it is, must certainly be what we are all looking for..."

Selphie shook her head. The offer of advice was appreciated, but at this point, no stranger could hope to understand what she was grappling with. "No, we just want to be alone... thanks."

Bugenhagen nodded and muttered a final "Ho ho hoo!" under his breath as he floated away.

And they were left alone with the stars. Even with Zell standing beside her, Selphie felt very alone in this great universe that sprawled over her head. There were millions of galaxies spanning billions of light years, and they would all go on with or without her. Or Yuffie. Or Zell. What could one person really hope to change about the universe? Maybe Mikoto was right. Maybe she was just a bunch of amino acids that had deluded itself into believing it had a personality and a soul. But she didn't still believe it.

Because though gazing upon infinity humbled her, it also inspired her. Whenever she was surrounding by stars and other symbols of the great mysteries out there, she found her thoughts drifting to equally cosmic subjects. Life. Love. Hope. Friends. And, yes, the terrible burden that she bore. But... but... looking at all this, she remembered that there was more to the universe, a chance to seek answers even when this broken world could not offer them. There was always more out there ... always another hope that something could turn things around. Surely a universe this grand and magnificent knew how to take care of its children, didn't it?

Someday this would all be over, she reminded herself. Someday they would win Yuffie's freedom and she could return to the peaceful life she had once known. A life without a massive hole that she was fighting to restore. That was the only thing that kept her going: the prospect that she would one day free from all this. But even then ... no, she had seen too much now. As long as there was anyone like Yuffie, she had to keep fighting, didn't she? Others had come to the aid of her friend; she was obligated to come to the aid of theirs. She could not really rest unless the world was perfect ... and, well, that was impossible. An endless striving - was that all that was left?

And certainly part of her told her that any rational person would have given up already, that society did not expect the inhuman endurance she demanded of herself. But she never really paid it attention; she knew that her heart would always find more endurance, more patience, and more faith.

"This is so impressive," Zell murmured.

"Mm-hmm." Selphie nodded. Her mind was elsewhere, but she struggled to drag it back to the wonderful sights before her. She did appreciate his attempts to stay positive. And she wanted to make the best of this visit. She always needed to have more happy memories to carry with her and remind her that goodness still existed in the universe. "I don't think I could ever fully grasp how much space we're really looking at here."

"Yeah," Zell said. "It's a great big universe, and we're just a tiny part of it."

"Cosmically insignificant?" She said it with a wink, though it was only half a joke.

He chuckled. "I don't think so. You're certainly significant to me, and I'm part of the cosmos, so you're not insignificant to the cosmos. I mean, er, right? That's good logic, right?"

She laughed. His matter-of-fact reasoning seemed almost naïve at times, especially in the face of her existential quandaries, but she knew it stemmed only from goodness in his heart. He wanted to resolve things; he really cared. And often, she confessed, he did have a good point.

"I mean... to the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world," he added.

Mmm. Thank goodness someone still felt that way. It was certainly a comforting thing to hear: that she wasn't replaceable, that she mattered just the way she was. "Did you just think that up?" she murmured.

"No," he confessed. "I stole it from the liner notes to the Filth Brigade's seminal 1992 record 'Bloodsucking Penis Fish.'"

Well, that sort of killed the moment, but she tried to think about its appropriateness, and about him pulling it out at the perfect time, and not about bloodsucking penis fish. And even still, even after telling herself it over and over, she wasn't quite secure about it. What was missing?

"Here's another good one: 'The best way to change the world is to change yourself.'"

Somehow it still wasn't enough. She wanted to appreciate the quote, wanted to let her mind boggle at the wonderfully succinct advice, wanted to be delighted by how simple and good the world really was. But that sort of thing no longer rang true. She had seen too much suffering for a few words on paper to be enough to reassure her that things would work out. Oh, she wanted to believe. Still hoped their problems would be solved, still thought they might be. But she had been forced to realize that writing sappy slogans did not necessarily mean said slogans were true. If the meaning of life could truly be crammed on a bumper sticker, their problems would have all been solved long ago.

"The stars sure are pretty, aren't they?" she murmured. "You'd think they were real."

"Yeah..." It was true, yes, but why that comment now? What was she getting at?

"When I think about how much knowledge and ingenuity - about the stars, construction, electricity, everything - is required to build something like this, I'm amazed. Amazed at how much people can do. If we were rotten to the core, if we were really damned to self-destruction, I don't think we could have built up all the ingenuity to do this. Which is why, no matter what Rinoa or Mikoto says, I just don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things could be bad. So I keep asking myself the same question: Why is there all this pain and sorrow and suffering in the world? That's the big one, isn't it? I mean, sure, we all want to know where the universe came from or what happens to us after we die, but those aren't quite as in your face. I mean, you can still go through life without really knowing what made matter, but if you're lying dying of cancer or your best friend just got a gunshot wound in the face, you've got to wonder why anything bad should ever happen at all. Is it because the universe is just big ugly mass of random atoms that doesn't mean anything at all? Is our existence a runaway train that got away from its creator? Are we being tested, have we fallen out of peace with some cosmic truth? Or is this all part of some big master plan beyond our mortal comprehension? I mean, forgive my curiosity, but when one of my friends gets sent to jail over a trifle, I have the death of another at least partially on my hands as a result of trying to save the first, and half the rest were blown away by missiles, I can't help but wonder."

That was the big one indeed. Zell could not say nothing, but neither could he pretend to answer an issue as eternal as this one by tossing off another unsubstantiated Hallmark gift card maxim. Well... there was always what he just felt at the moment. "Maybe we're not meant to know," he said with a shrug. "I mean, if we were, we would know, right?"

Both of them were startled that this made any sense at all. It was not a victory by any stretch of the imagination, but at least knowing they didn't have to win right now was somewhat comforting. "Yeah," she said. She struggled to find something more to say and failed. "Yeah." Perhaps words of wisdom could not solve all their problems, but they could at least offer some them guidance and reassurance.

"If you spend all your time asking questions," he added, "you won't be able to hear the answers."

"And did you just think that up?"

"Actually, yes." He sounded only slightly embarrassed.

She had to admit she was surprised - not because she thought him incapable of coming up with such insights, but simply because every previous one had not been his invention. "It's nice."

He smiled. It was such a reassuring feeling to be able to say things like that and feel proud instead of hopelessly dorky. After all, everything he thought was part of him in some small way, and every thought he had validated meant that another tiny bit of him was good for the world. "'s like I said earlier; too many people think they need to convince themselves they know everything. Gotta keep an open mind and not be afraid to admit we still have a lot to learn about the universe."

"Yeah," Selphie conceded. It wasn't the best of answers, didn't solve all her problems, but at least it gave her something to go on. She pulled out her Rubik's Cube again and held it up. Oh, this was silly all right, but at least if she could be whimsical and dorky then she still had something alive in her. So she smiled. "Just like my Rubik's Cube -- maybe sometimes we don't understand it all, but I'm still having fun playing with it."

* * *

Selphie announced the Free Kisaragi Foundation's change of leadership at its next meeting. "I'd like to thank everyone for your continued support in seeking justice for Yuffie. While I'll continue supporting the Free Kisaragi Foundation and taking an active role in its work, I've decide to handle the actual management of the Foundation over to someone more experienced in fighting the good fight. So as of today, April 3rd, Rinoa will be running things in my place. Let's Positive Thinking!"

Rinoa immediately jumped to Selphie's makeshift pulpit -- a stool stacked on some books. "Hi, I'm Rinoa Heartilly. You may remember me from such activist organizations as Food Not Bob-ombs, Students Against the Treacherous Use of Fur, and the Society for the Promotion of Elvish Welfare. And I say it's time to get this fucking show on the road!" The FKF supporters applauded for her.

Irvine squinted. "Hey, who's that in the back waving a 'The Strokes 3:16' sign?"

"Goddammit! " Zell swore. What was wrong with that stupid monkey? Didn't she have the common sense to leave their political rallies alone? What she did possibly hope to gain by showing up at other people's parties and ruining them? Being a sarcastic asshole didn't make her smart, it just made her ... a sarcastic asshole.

"This is a war, and we're losing it!" Rinoa explained. "Niccolo Group is kicking our asses all over the public's eyes. Our image is a nightmare! And you know that's what they want. They're hysterical nutjobs that thrive off fear! If we left them, they'll take away all our rights with their self-fulfilling politicizing. Do you guys hate demagogues and political rhetoric?" She received a cheer of approval. "Yeah, see, that's why we need to do something. We've lost our momentum ever since what's-her-face died. We're no longer the big issue. No one feels threatened by Niccolo, so they don't care about supporting us. That's why the masses need to be goaded, shocked into falling in line behind us. People are sheep."

Selphie no longer needed to actually object to know how the conversation would play out. "But apparently you're not a sheep?" "No, I read pose in public with Noam Chomsky books; they can't pull the wool over my eyes!" Besides, she wasn't supposed to be getting involved like this. She knew she had to make herself step back and let go of Rinoa's brain, even if something deep within her objected violently to Rinoa's ideas.

"We need to make this seem like more of a threat to the average redneck idiot. We know that museums should be free, but why would Joe Sixpack bother to think about intellectual property when he could be drinking beer and watching porn?" Selphie hated that, too - how Rinoa really seemed to think that some people were inherently gifted to be more enlightened and that the rest were "morons" - but ... yes, yes, it wasn't her business. But this must be how Zell feels about Seifer. She knew they were on the same side; it wasn't like she was really fighting Rinoa - but, Hyne, every word she spoke just had this way of getting under her skin.

"Talking to those stupid sheeple is not the solution. No one will change their mind because of a bunch of people standing around with 'Make bukkake not war' signs. We need to create something real and in their face. And we need a martyr. Something, someone else has to get cut down by Niccolo Group before people will say they have to be stopped. If their crime is locking up a few criminal kids, no one cares; they have to be posing a real threat to freedom everywhere. Our job is to pick a fight with them and make sure we come across as ordinary people when they're crushing us. We have to lose to them before we can win in the court of public opinion."

"Rinoa, you're sounding just like Niccolo!" Screwing with people's minds, making threats out to be bigger than they seemed to be, playing the role of the tragic oppressed ... she really was just as much of a politician as he. The same as everything she claimed to be fighting against. How quickly her war against war had revealed itself to be just a, well... war. But in the end, what faction, what cause didn't mutate into the same dogma-spewing army of machines?

Rinoa turned to glare over her shoulder, and Selphie immediately started to regret her outburst. "You want to run things here? You're the one who quit in the first place - because you're fucking wrong, because -" Rinoa was growing so consumed by rage that she could no longer even raise coherent objections to the world. Not when everything was wrong, not when everything was an offense to her. She tried to regain control by slamming her fist in her palm and declaring, "This is a war, damn you!"

"No, it's not," Selphie retaliated. She looked around to check that she was not standing alone. Zell's glower expressed clear frustration with Rinoa, Irvine looked as neutral as ever, and everyone else looked mostly confused. "I don't think fighting and politics can solve any problems, Rinoa. No one's behind all this. There's no evil sorceress that we can defeat to make everything right this time; there's just us. The only way we can solve this is to educate everyone. Fighting isn't the answer at all. It's... learning. Education. Understanding. I mean, ideals and principles can be good, but I don't want them to come before people. Because that's what's really most the important. Love."

Rinoa's fury was inconsolable. What a nice little speech, she could have snapped, but she was far beyond snappy comebacks. This was the worst torment imaginable. Surely the name of justice entailed her to exact whatever retribution her rage demanded. "Your naïve optimism isn't going to get you anywhere." She was talking at the top of her voice, but not even adding enough emotion to make it a yell. Just demolishing everything Selphie stood for as publicly as possible. Because, oh, she deserved it. "I've seen so much more of the world than you. And you're just like all the rest. You're just like them all, you heartless monster. You chickenshit comformist say you're on my side and then when it really matters, at the crucial point, you turn away and abandon me. Whose friggin' side are you on here?"

Selphie was already sobbing on the inside. She was not, by nature, an argumentative person, and having this kind of malice thrown into her face was a test of her ability to get knocked down and come up loving. Her heart could not write Rinoa off as one of the 'bad guys' who were inherently wrong; it knew that Rinoa was no less human than anyone else and that her opinion did matter. That was why it hurt. But she knew how much was riding on her at this moment, and she had to keep her composure. "I'm not fighting against anyone," Selphie said. "The only side I'm on the one with everyone on it. And I like to think that not all optimism is naïve..."

"You're holding us all back!" Rinoa howled. "There's only one way this can be solved and you're still in the way! You know what? Get the hell out of here. I don't want to talk to you. You handed this organization over to me and I'm not going to let you fucking take it away from me again. I'm kicking you out. You can go start a Save Yuffie Organization if you want, but the Free Kisaragi Foundation belongs to me. And you are with me or against me."

Was this what it all really came down to? Selphie felt almost as betrayed as Rinoa did. It seemed she had reached the end of this narrative, and all her love, all her struggling, all her sacrificing had become futile in the end. No matter how hard she fought, it would never be enough. Was there truly no inner goodness of the universe that she would find if she only dug deeply? How can you do this, Rinoa? How can you think that you alone hold the answers to the universe's problems? That six thousand years of human history can all be compressed into a few pithy psuedo-philosophical sayings that will solve everything? The meaning of life can't be found on a bumper sticker; it was really that obvious, we wouldn't be here arguing about this.

By now it was just Selphie, Zell, Irvine, and a few stalwart allies. "I guess I'm against you, then." She turned sadly away. The trial was over, and the universe had judged her guilty as charged. And she could not help but insist that if only she could have pleaded her case better, she would have won, but ... well, it was too early to give up yet. But somehow she knew a death sentence had been handed out. Perhaps not to a person, but to a dream.

"That's about what I'd expect from a bunch of anthrosexuals," Rinoa said. "You know, one hundred percent of reported rapists are anthrosexuals; what do you have to say for your sorry hegemonical selves now? Statistics don't lie."

Next chapter: The Thing With Feathers