Yuffie had been running all the way to the Duchess' mansion from the abortive tea party. So by the time she finally reached the stone wall at the end of the road, she was somewhat winded. She pushed open the swinging metal gates and then leaned against the BMW in the driveway for a moment to catch her breath.

Yuffie approached three-story mansion and pounded on the door. She was received by Eve. New York's favorite mitochondrial mutation was wearing a simple line-art party dress and full make-up, looking ready to depart for somewhere else. Her husband Sephiroth stood a few feet behind her, adjusting his tie. His hair was as long as ever, but he had put on a nice suit - black, of course, but everything in Dricas was either black or white.

"Oh, you must be the babysitter," Eve said. "It's about time you got here."

"What? I -"

"Valentine's upstairs in the first room on the left. Be sure she gets to bed by eight o'clock. We'll be back around nine. Don't mind the zombies; we're sorry for the hassle, but it's impossible to find a mansion these days without them. Oh, and if the door's locked, you can open it by using the chrysanthemum key from the pantry to open the secret genetics lab in the basement, where you can use the pitchaxe that we keep in the living room like everyone does to break into a randomly sealed off room with the code to turn off the electric field blocking the magic gem that you can put in the fountain out back to get the forget-me-not key that you can use to get into the library where you'll find a book with a hint so you can solve the riddle in the secret room behind the fireplace and get the missing pump handle, which we stashed there for no reason at all, so you can turn off the water in the underground cemetery to get to the crypt where you'll find the petunia key that will let you into Valentine's room. Thanks; goodbye!" Eve and Sephiroth breezed by Yuffie and into their waiting vehicle.

Yuffie ran after the car as it backed down the driveway. "Wait! Wait! I'm not the..." Their car sped off into the distance, and Yuffie's shoulders sagged in defeat. "Gawd. What am I gonna do?" She was stuck in a mansion where there were friggin' zombies, and the owners had left their kid in there and expected her to take care of it. What the hell? Not to mention that the Bumbling Recurring Minor Villains were still after her and bound to catch up with her any time now.

Well, it would have been rather cruel to leave the baby unattended -- she had to do something about it. She went back to the mansion and stepped inside.

An instant shudder ran through her body. She didn't like the looks of the foyer. The big set of stairs leading up to the second floor and the balcony overhead didn't look right when the house was so vacant. This looked just like that creepy mansion in Nibelheim. Except bigger. This place was even bigger than her dad's house in Wutai, Gawd. She'd never seen a house this big. Why did anyone need this many rooms? And that chandelier that was probably going to fall on her, or those unnecessary pillars that creepy people could hide behind. She just knew some scary creep in a cloak and a Wiseman mask was going to jump out any moment now and try to stab her.

"Gawd, I hope this doesn't turn into another one of those 'Yuffie the Vampire Slayer' stories," she muttered. "I got so sick of doing those." Besides, why did she need to kill vampires in the first place? Like there was something wrong with having pale skin and sleeping during the day.

Yuffie cautiously proceeded up the stairs to Valentine's room. The door looked slightly ajar. She tapped it and swung it freely open. Oh, thank Gawd it didn't need unlocking - she hadn't remembered half of the instructions Eve had told her, let alone the order she was supposed to go in.

Like everything in the mansion, the baby's room was huge. Rich as they were, Sephiroth and Eve had clearly spared no expense in ensuring their daughter started off on the right road to successful villainhood. Valentine's favorite storybooks -- Baby's First Book of Mutant Powers, Arthur the Aardvark Meets Shub-Niggurath, The Berenstein Bears and the Problem With Too Much Heroin -- lay scattered on the floor next to her crib. Easy-listening demonic chants wafted out of the CD player; they were the first step in Valentine's all-important music education. And, of course, as soon as Valentine took her first steps, she was getting driven out to the community college to be signed up for youth soccer. It was never too early to start working to make that varsity soccer team. College admissions were waiting!

Yuffie approached the crib. It had a separate plastic lid on top, which Yuffie thought was a little strange - but what did she know about babies? She lifted it off and peered inside. Valentine was crawling around in her Abercrombie & Fitch designer diapers. She had her father's white hair and Mako eyes, and long, claw-like arms like her mother. She still possessed normal legs instead of Eve's single tail-like appendage, however. Even with those, she looked completely out-of-proportion - mutated adult women could be written off as yet another bizarre incarnation of evil, but babies were supposed to cute and innocent.

Yuffie shook her head. Gawd, what an ugly baby. Like she didn't hate kids enough. And she was supposed to take care of this ugly thing? Ick. "Hey, uh, you," she said.

Valentine took one look at Yuffie and started crying.

"Hey!" Yuffie said, offended. "You're, like, way more than ugly than I am."

"Waaaaaaaaah!"

"Gawd, SHUT UP!"

"MAMAAAAAAAAA!" Valentine screamed. "Waaaaaaaaah!"

Yuffie reached into the crib and lifted the bawling toddler out. Gawd, was it supposed to be doing this? What it was infectious? Babies had all kinds of diseases, didn't they? What if it threw up on her?

The miracle of life let out ear-piercing shriek after ear-piercing shriek as it flailed its claws about. Yuffie pointed a finger in the baby's face. "Look, you knock it off, okay?" She had to let this thing know who was boss. If she didn't immediately establish her dominance in the baby pecking order - as the alpha baby - that stupid bundle of joy would try to push Yuffie around. That was why you had to be tough to train these things. They could smell your fear.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaah!" Valentine cried even louder than before.

Gawd, I think it's broken. She set the baby down on the floor. Maybe she should get it something to eat. Babies liked to eat a lot, didn't they? "Uh, do you know where the kitchen is?" she asked Valentine.

"Waaaah!"

"Gawd, some help you are, you stupid little runt." She wandered out of the room, in her absent-mindedness leaving Valentine unattended and the door wide open.

After a few mistaken steps into the haunted chapel, the hedge maze, and the Satanic altar, Yuffie finally located the kitchen. She crossed her fingers and opened the refrigerator. She was in luck! Plenty of Sunny Delight! Sunny D Get! She took a bottle out, retrieved a bowl and a box of ice cream from the freezer. Humming to herself, she started preparing her favorite desert by dumping the Sunny Delight all over the bowl, table, and floor. Maybe that dumb thing would like her once she fed it. That was all babies really wanted, anyway - food and regular exercise. She could take it out to play frisbee later.

"Bottle?"

Yuffie looked behind her. The baby was floating two feet off the ground behind her. What the hell? "Gawd, how did you get here?"

"Bottle?" Valentine repeated.

"Here, eat this; it's good for you," Yuffie pushed her concoction across the table. Valentine looked at it, wrinkled her nose, and then psychically levitated it off the table. Yuffie dived out of the way just in time as the bowl flew at where her head had been. "Okay, that does it." Yuffie lunged for the flying baby, stepped in the pool of spilled Sunny Delight, slipped, and fell flat on her back in the puddle.

Valentine giggled and floated out of the room. Fuming, Yuffie climbed back to her feet, tried to wipe off as much of the Sunny D as she could, and took off after the baby. Now that she had left the ground behind, Valentine could travel quite swiftly, bobbing up and down through the air while giggling madly. She was having the time of her life -- Mama and Papa never let her fly around like this! This was the best babysitter she'd ever had!

"Come back here!" Yuffie shouted, chasing her charge down the hall.

Valentine led her babysitter into what Yuffie immediately recognized as the playroom. The floor was littered with toys: a bunch of letter blocks, a foot-propelled plastic car, an elaborate wooden rocking-chocobo, a plushie that matched the fetching Hello Cthulhu wallpaper, and numerous other gadgets.

Gawd, how could one kid need all these toys? What a spoiled brat. She was all rich an' stuff and had all these big rooms and Yuffie only had one crappy dorm room. It wasn't fair. Then again, Yuffie had just as much when she was a kid.

She wondered how dad ever put up with her infancy. If she was anything like Valentine, she must have spent a lot of time crying and screaming and being totally annoying. (Not that people didn't still think she was annoying.) What a pain in the butt she must have been. Ugh, she felt, like, all guilty now, but she probably deserved it.

How could anyone ever have wanted to be around her? Her dad must have really wanted to take care of her. I guess I owe him a lot, she conceded. It was kind of weird, thinking about her dad as a person just like her. To Yuffie, her father had always been a mere institution. He was a parent, and parents only existed to yell at their kids and buy them shoes. And children were the horrible banshee spawn that people had for no reason at all that made lots of loud annoying noises. She'd never really acknowledged that either of them had feelings of their own and lives that didn't pertain to her. She would really have to try to be a little less selfish around them. Even if her dad was, like, a total dork, he obviously did care about her. And all she did was yell at him an' stuff. She had a hunch the next time they met, she'd be a little more appreciate. That, of course, was assuming she saved the world and got out of jail.

In the mean time, she could try to be a little more forgiving of the next generation.

Valentine had seated herself in the plastic car. She looked up at Yuffie, for the first time seeking a playmate. "Race ca'," she announced.

Whew! Maybe this would keep that vicious bundle of joy entertained. What a lucky break; Yuffie was determined to seize this opportunity as viciously as she could. Sure, she hated playing with kids, but she hated being physically abused by kids even more. "Yeah, uh, do you want to play car?" Yuffie said almost pleadingly. She was definitely not the one in command here.

Valentine beamed and started pedaling. The car zipped across the room and slammed into Yuffie's foot.

"OW!" Whatever tolerance Yuffie had been building up vaporized immediately. Here she had been thinking nice thoughts about Valentine and the dumb thing had betrayed her by ramming a car into her foot!

Valentine cackled with glee. Her little feet pounded the peddles, propelling her out of the room. "Hey! Your license has been suspended, you stupid brat!" Yuffie tried to chase her, stepped on her stubbed foot, and cringed with pain.

Barely able to motivate herself to chase Valentine any more, Yuffie hopped after the child on her good foot. Then she sighted a large butterfly net amongst the toys. Ha! Just what she needed! She snatched up the net and gave pursuit with renewed vigor.

Valentine, of course, was having the time of her life. She gripped the steering wheel tightly and pedaled as hard as she could. She whizzed dangerously around the house, barely steering around obstacles and taking most of the corners on two wheels. Yuffie hopped painfully after her, praying that Valentine would run into something and Yuffie could catch her in the butterfly net.

With Yuffie hot on her wheels, Valentine cruised into the kitchen. She drove right through the puddle of Sunny Delight. The car's wheels kicked up the juice, splashing it all over Yuffie. Undeterred, Yuffie plunged headlong forward and, not too surprisingly, slipped on the puddle again.

She crawled painfully back to her feet again. The car's wheels were now tracking orange juice along the carpet. Yuffie hurried along the trail to the dining room. Valentine had stopped there, beneath the dining room table. Oh, brother. "Okay, you little brat, I think it's time you got your car impounded." Yuffie bent down on her hands and knees - ugh, this dumb baby was torturing her - and crawled in after her. As soon as she did, Valentine giggled and took off in the opposite direction, leaving Yuffie under the table.

"GAWD!" Yuffie howled. She had to crawl back out and stood up again; by this time, Valentine once again had a sizable lead on her.

Panting and still limping, Yuffie chased Valentine into the back stairwell. Valentine tried to turn her car onto the spiral staircase - boy, would that be a fun ride! - but that was a bit too difficult for a child to do at top speed. The car smashed into the wall, which collapsed to reveal a perfectly preserved pork chop.

Valentine burst into tears at the conclusion of her joyride. Oh Gawd, Yuffie thought. How was she supposed to calm the baby down? And why was she even trying, after all that rat had done to her?

Yuffie lowered her net and stepped towards the child. "Um... let's play another fun game," she volunteered. "How about Counter-Strike? Do you have a computer around here? C'mon, I could show you how to set up a firewall." She fumbled in her back pocket and pulled out a CD. Aha! She did have this with her.

She waved the CD and briefly attracted Valentine's teary-eyed attention. "Look, Valentine, I've got a copy of SuSE. Look, look!" She traced the words on the disc with her fingers and read them as she did so. "See? 'SuSE Linux.' It's lots of fun. We could install it on your mommy's computer; how about that?"

But Valentine was already pouting again. "POO POO!" she yelled in Yuffie's face. She stood up in the car, leaped onto the banister, and started sliding down. Yuffie briefly pondered following that lead, but figured she'd probably go flying off and smash into the wall or something. No, it was feet for her.

Valentine led Yuffie down two flights of stairs and into the secret genetics lab in the basement. Yuffie gasped upon seeing Valentine flying directly towards the electric field that Eve had cautioned Yuffie about. "No! Get away from that!" She dived forward and made a desperate swipe with the net. But Valentine had already had her attention diverted by a passing spider and was floating away from the field. Unable to stop herself, Yuffie hurtled right past her and pitched headfirst into the electric field instead.

Valentine giggled with delight as she watched the crazy girl twitch about on the floor. "Googaa!"

As soon as Yuffie had regained control of her muscles, she scrambled to her feet and grabbed her net again. Yuffie made one, two, three failed swipes for the baby. She tried a mighty overhead smash that missed entirely and caused her to fall flat on her face. Valentine bobbed away out of each strike, trying to see how close she could come without being caught. What a fun game!

Finally, in desperation, Yuffie pointed behind Valentine and yelled, "Look behind you, a three-headed monkey!" Valentine did not understand Yuffie's words, but she quickly jerked her around to follow Yuffie's finger. Yuffie immediately swooped the net down on her. "Gotcha!" She grabbed Valentine by her head, pulled her out of the net, and clutched the baby to her chest, determined not to let it escape again. The damn thing was like a helium balloon; it would float away from her given half a chance. "All right, you little wretch, it's back to the crib with you."

A loud moan came from behind her. Yuffie whirled around just as the first of several stick-figure zombies lurched through the doorway. "Oh, crap."

"Zamba!" Valentine giggled, pointing at the creatures.

"It's not funny!" Yuffie snapped. "These things are going to, like, eat our brains 'n stuff and it's all your fault."

"Brraaaaaiiiiinnsss," the zombies moaned in unison as they shuffled in a straight line towards Yuffie.

Yuffie looked down at Valentine, hoping her nemesis could at least use her creepy powers to save them from the zombies. Although she had to admit it would serve the infernal thing right if it were eaten. Still, she had promised her sort-of-friends to take care of it, and she didn't really want it to die, just stop bugging her.

This could mean only one thing: it was time to put her Power Glove into action. But that would mean putting down the stupid demon-child... oh well. She wasn't in the mood to have her brains consumed, so it was a risk she would have to take. She set Valentine on the ground, praying against all plausibility that the baby would still be there in a few seconds, and ran towards the zombie. She smashed the first one in the chest with her Power Glove. "Ha, take that!" The zombie topped backwards, hit the next zombie, and they fell over domino-style. So much for them.

Yuffie turned around to see that Valentine had telekinetically blown the screen off the window and that her rear end was just disappearing through it. The baby tumbled outside, then her head bobbed back up to the window. "Peek-a-BOO!" she cackled.

"GAWD!" Yuffie shouted. She raced to the window and stared through. Valentine was floating merrily away - too far to grab from inside the window. Sigh. Yuffie stuck her arms through the window - being a stick figure did have its advantage - and tried to pull herself out. Her head got stuck halfway through. Dammit. "Oh, come on, my head isn't that big!" Yuffie pressed her arms against the outside wall and tried to force herself through, but that just made her head hurt more.

"Brraaaaaiiiiinnsss." The zombies had gotten up behind her.

Gaaaaawwd! Yuffie vainly kicked her legs and tried to force her head through the window. Still no luck. She tried to pull it out, so that she could at least get away from the zombies, but it was quite firmly lodged in the window frame. "Help!" she wailed.

Suddenly, some magic force yanked her through the window, streaked across the garden, and towards the forest, where she slammed her head on a tree and fell at Valentine's feet. "OWWWW!" Yuffie looked up through her blurry vision to see Valentine hovering over her, laughing crazily. This was the most fun she'd ever had!

"Erple!" Valentine chortled before disappearing into the woods.

* * *

The zombies had stopped shuffling as soon as Yuffie went flying through the window. "Aw, dammit," one of them said. "Not again."

"Well, I guess that's it for today." A few of the zombie in the back of the pack turned and started to lurch away.

"Hey, hey, wait," the lead zombie said. "Let's see if we can get this 'door' thing figured out."

"Bah, forget it," another zombie said as it turned to leave. "It can't be done."

"Hey, didja hear that?" one of the departing zombie sneered. "The boss wants to open a door!" The speaker and a few of the other deserters burst into riotous laughter.

The chief zombie growled. "We can be heroes!" it insisted. "The zombies who finally cracked the Doorknob Paradox!"

Sadly, the Doorknob Paradox was not to be cracked today, as the other zombies were shuffling off to find new one-way mirrors to hide behind. "Wait, I have this!" the chief zombie said to the few stragglers. It reached into its tattered clothing and produced the petunia key it had liberated from the crypt. "I've seen some hu-mons use like this to make doors open! It must be some sort of magical talisman. Maybe we can figure out how it works and use it ourselves!"

"Look, boss, no offense, but if God had meant for zombies to open doors, He would have given us brains. Mmm, brains." The flunky zombie gave his superior a hearty slap on the back and shuffled away. "Seeya."

The chief sighed. Damn conservatives. Didn't its followers realize that modern conveniences that all zombies took for granted -- like the collapsible floorboards and the fire-breathing hellhound sidekick -- were once just as violently opposed as his quest for a solution to the Doorknob Paradox? These were problems that were waiting to be solved, not parameters of their existence! They could improve the condition of zombiekind worldwide! It drooled at the thought of all the hu-mon flesh that they could lay their decaying teeth on if only they could figure how to open doors! Too bad its peers were unable to see past the myopic worldview promoted by such low-brow jokes as "QUESTION: How many zombies does it take to open a door? ANSWER: It can't be done, you idiot!"

Oh well. Great restless spirits had always encountered violent opposition from mediocre brains. Minds, that was to say. Not brains.

But... brains. Damn, it was making itself hungry now.

Itchy. Tasty.

* * *

This probably wasn't such a good idea, Yuffie thought as she stumbled through the woods behind the mansion. By the time she'd recovered enough to walk, Valentine had disappeared from sight completely. And she knew it was only a matter of time before she was attacked by one of the monsters that she knew lived in woods like these. Giant mutant alligators, giant mutant snakes, giant mutant firebreathing squirrels, giant mutant koalas, those sorts of things. At least she was sticking close to the stone wall bordering the mansion so she'd be able to find her way out.

Then she heard footsteps that were not her own. "Ohmigawd!"

Yuffie froze. The footsteps were getting closer -- they were right on the other side of the wall! And closer... and closer... now they were right beside her. A huge thump caused the entire wall to shake; a crack appeared on the wall. There was a second thump and then, on the third hit, a section of the wall collapsed into rubble. Too terrified to move, Yuffie could only scream as something came leaping out at her.

"OHHHH YEAH!" the Kool-Aid Man exclaimed.

Yuffie almost collapsed in relief. "Oh, it's the Kool-Aid Man."

"After battling the undead, nothing beats the cool, refreshing taste of - OH NO! IT'S GOT ME!" Kool-Aid Man was yanked off his feet by something behind me. Yuffie backed away, her eyes widening in horror as she saw what had nabbed it. It was a small shed with barn-style doors. The doors had opened wide to reveal two rows of drooling fangs, which were currently biting into the Kool-Aid Man's glass sides.

"Ohmigawd!" Yuffie gasped again. What she supposed to do? She backed away from the beast, but she was unable to stop watching it shake the Kool-Aid Man about.

"YUFFIE!" Lucca dropped through the forest canopy, Zapper gun at the ready. She quickly sized up the situation and started firing at the shed. The shed flung the Kool-Aid Man aside and started after Lucca. It moved in great bounding hops, its rickety boards collapsing into a crouch before each pounce.

Lucca tapped the right arrow on her NES controller to try to propel herself out of the way, but it only caused her to spin in place. "What the - my controller's not working right!" She hit the up arrow, but instead of jumping ran straight forward into a tree. She continued running in place against it before she managed to use the right arrow to turn and guide herself in another direction.

Lucca ran away from her pursuer. She stopped, pivoted slowly around while walking in place, fired at the shed once, then turned back around and continued running in a straight line. After several repetitions of this process, the shed eventually toppled over on its side and lay still, evidently dead.

"Whew, that was awkward." Lucca blew smoke off her gun. "Good thing this baby never runs out of ammo."

Yuffie crawled from the bush she had been hiding in. "Gawd, what the hell was that thing? It looked like a big shed."

"That was no ordinary shed, Yuffie. That was the Devil Shed! You were almost a Yuffie sandwich!"

"Oh." This really didn't mean much to Yuffie, but she pretended that it answered her question. And, Gawd, a Yuffie sandwich? That sounded totally gross.

Lucca stepped closer to her. "What are you doing here out in the woods anyway? We got you an exit in the mansion. You've got to get out of Dricas and stay out; the Bumbling Recurring Minor Villains are looking all over for you. You can't be wandering around out here!"

"Well, I was looking for this baby I had to babysit. 'Cause, like, when I came here, Eve and Sephiroth were just leaving, and they thought I was their babysitter 'n stuff. And I couldn't just leave their baby alone. I mean, they're kinda my friends. I guess."

"Oh," Lucca said. "Well, I'm glad you're such a caring person. And it's cool that you're good with kids; I like that! Everyone likes babies."

I don't, Yuffie thought. She looked nervously around, suspecting that something was going to jump out at her any moment now. "And there's zombies all over. You didn't tell me about the zombies."

"Sorry, I thought you would have known. I mean, a mansion without monsters is like... like a rabbit without a crack pipe."

"Whatever happened to rabbits eating carrots, anyway?"

Lucca shrugged. "Well, he does when he gets the munchies." She put her hand on Yuffie's back and guided her away from the Devil Shed's corpse. "C'mon, I'll help you find the kid and then we'll get you out of here."

* * *

Raijin and Fujin advanced into the Duchess' manor. Once they realized Lucca and Kefka had duped them, the BRMV Local #203 had split up to search for Yuffie. But there were no immediate signs of her here. "She's probably hiding somewhere, ya know?" Raijin ran up the main staircase and looked around again.

"HALT!" Fujin shouted. Why was he planning on running around a zombie-infested mansion - she knew it was zombie-infested because all mansions were zombie-infested - by himself? It would have been a lot more logical to stick together. But he had ignored every principle of common sense and went running right into some room where he was liable to be seized by a giant tentacle or have his head cut off by some nonsensical laser trap.

She shrugged. "FOOLHARDY."

The front doors swung open again, and Fujin whirled. It was none other than Yuffie herself, not to mention her bespectacled partner in crime. Wow, what an easy job that was. "YUFFIE, DESIST!"

Lucca already had her gun out before Yuffie grabbed her wrist. "Gawd, wait, don't shoot her!" She received a challenging stare from Lucca. "She's, like, my friend, sorta, I guess."

Giggling all the while, Valentine plummeted straight down from the rafters, holding an inflatable baseball bat ready to strike. "Yuffie, look out!" Lucca shouted. She tapped "right" on her NES controller and accelerated towards the wall. The vertical barrier posed no impediment to her; she continued running up its side. Halfway up the wall, she hit the A button to launch herself off it. She hurtled, almost flying, towards Valentine. Then they both froze in mid-air. Lucca and Valentine stared at each other for at least a full second before Lucca tapped Start again and delivered a flying kick to Valentine that catapulted her through an open second-story window.

Lucca landed and brushed off her hands. "Kodak moment," she said, quite pleased with herself.

Yuffie and Fujin, however, looked horrified. "GAWD, I can't believe you did that!" Even if Valentine was cruel to her, even if this was no ordinary baby but one with freaky mitochondria powers, you couldn't just around punting infants through windows! She was supposed to be looking afYuffie was supposed to be looking

Lucca appeared confused. "What?"

"It's cruel!" Yuffie said. Fujin nodded in agreement.

"But I did it in slow motion."

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?"

"'Cause there's nothing wrong with senseless violence as long as it looks cool, silly. That's another important lesson. I suggest you write it down."

"Um... okay." Yuffie did not sound entirely convinced. Meanwhile, Fujin had already gone back outside to retrieve the baby. "But ... I was supposed to be looking after her!

Fujin stepped back in the mansion, carrying a bawling Valentine. Fujin held the baby to her chest and whispered soothing monosyllabic grunts to it.

Lucca jerked a finger towards Valentine. "Wait, that thing was the baby you were looking for?"

"YES!"

"Oops." Eager to make amends, Lucca scampered across the foyer. She bent over the baby - yes, she could tell it was a baby now that she saw it up close - and beamed with vacuous glee. "Awwww, wook at the wittle baby and her cute wittle baby toes!" She tickled them, eliciting grins and giggles from Valentine.

Oh, brother, Yuffie thought. This is revolting.

Lucca started making goofy faces - stretching her mouth out, looking cross-eyed, and so on - electing further grins and giggles from Valentine. Yuffie scowled at the scene. She had been watching carefully over Valentine's safety, and Valentine only paid her back with physical abuse. Lucca had kicked it through the window, and now she and Valentine were best friends. What the hell was with that?

Lucca took Valentine from Fujin's arms and rocked her gently against her chest. Fujin stepped behind one of the pillars, hid there a moment, and then stepped back out. "PEEK-A-BOO." Valentine shrieked with delight and clapped her tiny hands together.

Yuffie continued to fume. This was all too much. The world hated her and she hated the world. Anything but this. She tapped Fujin on the shoulder. "Hey, you were here to arrest me, remember?"

Fujin gazed dopily at Valentine and back at Yuffie. "FAILED," she said with a slight smile.

"See? Everyone loves babies," Lucca explained. She lit a cigarette, prompting Yuffie to step away from her. Grossness! "Can we go now? I'm sure the rest of the Minor Villains are still looking for us. Fujin, you'll watch Valentine?"

"AFFIRMATIVE."

Valentine reached up to touch Fujin's white locks as she was passed back to Fujin. "Papa hair!" she gurgled.

"Uh... I don't know where the fax machine is," Yuffie cautioned Lucca. "I've been looking after the stupid kid ever since I got here."

"Oh, it's behind the fake wall across from Valentine's room."

Yuffie frowned. "Gawd, how did you know where all the secrets are if you've never been here before? Wait, let me guess, 'nanotechnology.'" She felt a little proud of herself; she was finally catching onto how things worked in Dricas.

"No," Lucca said, bringing a disappointed frown to Yuffie's face, "blast processing. By the way, there's also a perfectly-preserved porkchop in the back stairwell."

"Yeah, I know."

"See? Blast processing at work!"

Yuffie sighed and rolled her eyes. She trudged up the stairs behind Fujin and Lucca while feeling sorry for herself. This was, like, totally unfair! She had been trying to watch out for Valentine and the dumb kid hated her! And nobody cared about her; they were too busy gushing over the stupid baby. It was an ugly baby, too! Even uglier than most babies, she meant. Gawd, why did babies get all the sympathy?

"Hey, Yuffie?" Lucca called from down the hall. "This door seems to be locked."

Oh, crap. Valentine must have shut it, probably just to spite her. Now they were mired in several hours of key-hunting rigamarole. And here she was hoping she might be able to take a nap soon. "Okay, Eve told me what to do. Um, first we have to, like, find the chrysanthemum key, and then go into the underground cemetary ... no wait, that was later. Was the science lab next? Or maybe we're supposed to go behind the fireplace first and get the magic gem to..."

Fujin gave the door a mighty kick and it swung open.

"SIMPLE."

"Oh. Uh, thanks."

"See, Yuffie? What did I tell you? Violence is the solution to all our problems."

Yuffie waved her hand to brush off any conversation. "Okay, fine, I don't care; just get the kid out of my sight." Good riddance to bad rubble.

Fujin was already carrying Valentine back to her crib. The baby waved to Lucca. "Buh bye!" She then turned to Yuffie, picked her nose, and bounced a booger off the back of Yuffie's head.

"Gawd, why does it like everyone but me? Fujin is at least as ugly as I am!" Yuffie protested in vain.

Someone else walked down the hall. "Yuffie!" Ja Rule said. "Will you 'feature' me on a Wu-Tai Clan track?"

"Aaaaaaaah! Get away from me!" That was all the motivation she needed to take a headfirst leap into the fax machine to escape this nightmare.

* * *

Fujin set Valentine down into her crib. She then went and filled Valentine's bottle with formula and placed it in the crib with her. "DRINK."

Valentine beamed. "Bottle!" she exclaimed, waving her hands in delight. She telekinetically guided the bottle into her hands and started sucking on it.

A thin smile managed to break onto Fujin's stern face. The baby's blasé; command over its abnormal powers was adorable, and it was nice to interact with someone so easy to please. Especially someone who finally communicated on the same levels as her. "CUTE."

"GOO-gah!"

Fujin seated herself in a rocking chair. She rocked back and forth, lulling her mind free of the world, while her good eye kept vague watch over the baby. Rest, true solace, was something Fujin rarely - if ever - experienced. Her anger and resentment was never ending. The world never suited her, or rather she didn't suit the world. But perhaps she could thrive in a situation like this. Here there was no conflict, and even the simplest of her actions would please the people that depended on her. That was really all she wanted.

Valentine's empty bottle suddenly dropped, perfectly centered, into Fujin's lap. Oops. Valentine must have finished it. Fujin filled it up, returned it to the crib, and sat back down.

"SEIFER," Fujin murmured.

She had left because she had gotten tired of loving him with no return. He was too busy finding some new girl to toy with or letting himself be consumed with rage against Rinoa. She knew him better than anyone, and she knew that was not what he really wanted. No, his soul was still searching for that romantic dream of his, but he had gotten so wounded searching for that he could only hurt others to conceal his own pain. He would never realize that all he wanted lay right there with him. No, she gave and gave so much that she was taken for granted. One day, she didn't remember when, it had gotten too much. She had simply decided that. So when Rinoa and the union came calling, she left.

But... "GARDEN." Was that where she belonged? She had not accomplished anything with this band, nor did she really plan to. The money was irrelevant. All she wanted was a place to belong - like here, but on a more permanent plan.

The phone started ringing, forcing Fujin to get up to answer it. If this was one of those damn zombies... "HELLO?"

"'ey, what's your favorite survival horror game?" a raspy and definitely zombie-like voice asked.

"RETARDED."

"Aw, come on, didn't I scare you?"

"NO."

"Fujin?" Raijin's voice called from down the hall. "Where are ya, Fuj?"

"Not even just a little? No 'eek?'"

"NO."

"Ah, fuck you damn kids; nothing gets through to you these days. Can't you give me a little respect here? I'm just trying to do my job. I'm just like a telemarketer, but for scares. So can you at least -"

Fujin hung up, sat back down, and tried to resume thinking where she had left off. Maybe her time away from Garden would beat some sense into him of what he was missing - though she hated to think what havoc he was causing without his posse looking after him. Maybe she should go back. Nothing she had found with the Minor Villains had given her any more than what she already had, and if she could not recieve at least she could give...

Raijin thundered into the room. "Ho! Found you!" he said. "Any sign of Yuffie?"

"ESCAPED."

* * *

"Hey!" Wedge said. He trained his gun on Yuffie's stomach, prompting the girl to cower and start sweating. "Where are you going?"

"Uh, to my cell!" It was true -- where else could she go?

Wedge frowned. Well, he couldn't very well stop her from doing that, could he? That was where she belonged. Yep, no matter what angle he looked at this, there was no reason to detain her. She must be in the right, even though there was still something about this that didn't sit quite right. "Well... go ahead."

Whew! Yuffie slinked into her cell, wanting to be out of harm's way as soon as possible. At least it was safe in here, and she had a bed to sleep on, even if it wasn't all that comfortable. But again wasn't sure how she was supposed to go about the saving-the-world bit. She was stuck in prison again. And now she could not even find another way into Dricas, because the Bumbling Recurring Minor Villains were looking for her there.

Gawd, what a gyp. Maybe she could start writing her memoirs or something to distract herself. But, no, that mangy cat had already beaten her to that, and she'd never be caught dead doing anything he was doing.

Oh well.

"The Camptown ladies, like, sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah."

Next chapter: World Leader Pretend