Cecilia continually check the Geiger counter-like device Stoldark had given her, using its readings to guide them to the planet where the demonic presence had been reported -- a tedious, but necessary, task. Rudy's attention was focused on piloting the plane, Hanpan was asleep in the glovebox, Elmina was seated reticiently in the back seat, and Jack and Jane were busy playing "Six Degrees of Cid Highwind."
"Okay, Garr and Dr. Wily," Jack said.
Jane considered this for a moment, then responded. "Garr was in Breath of Fire 3 with Mogu. Mogu was in Breath of Fire 1 with Chun-Li. Chun-Li was in Marvel vs. Capcom with Megaman. Megaman is in any Megaman game with Dr. Wily. That was too easy. Gimme a hard one."
"All right, Ganon and Kazooie."
"Let's see... Ganon is in the Zelda series with Link... Link was in Mario RPG with Mario... Mario was in the original Donkey Kong with Donkey Kong, and Donkey Kong was in Donkey Kong Country with Diddy. And Diddy was in Diddy Kong Racing with Banjo, and Banjo is in Banjo-Kazooie with Kazooie. Six degrees."
"Good one," Jack said appreciatively.
"The signal's getting stronger," Cecilia reported. "I think we're onto something."
* * *
Mogu and Gary ("Bo", as his friends called him) stared at the oblong metal object they had just hauled out of a pit in Dauna Mine. "Looks like it's from the Techno Age," Gary said. "How'd it get down here?"
The object wiggled slightly. "Uh... Bo, it's, uh, moving," Mogu said nervously.
The bottom of the pod slid open, and some rubble rolled out. A dirty, beleagured-looking, torso and head poked out. "About time," it muttered.
Mogu and Gary screamed.
The pod's inhabitant crawled out from under the pod and got to his feet. He was wearing a blue business suit and brown shoes, and had long black hair. His eyes were pointed and their pupils toned a dark brown.
Mogu and Gary turned and fled. The pod's presumed owner chased after them. A laser beam flashed by Gary's shoulder. The wolf turned and loosed an arrow at their pursuer, who simply shot it into pieces with his gun. "This is place is cursed or something!" Mogu said. "All we can dig up is monsters! First these dragons, and now this!"
Mogu and Gary passed by the entrance to another mine shaft that ran above them. Seeing the chase below, Ox rushed to help, wielding his massive hammer. The suit-clad man pulled a buzzsaw-endowed gun out of his business suit and fired it at the mine shaft. One of the buzzsaws flew off and spun through the wooden arch holding up the mine shaft, tearing it to splinters. The shaft ceiling came crashing down, blocking off Ox.
Mogu jumped forward and dived headfirst into the ground, burrowing a shallow hole with his claws. He and Gary ducked down inside it. Fortunately for them, their pursuer ignored them and continued on up out of the mine.
"I hate this job," Gary said.
* * *
The Protowing touched down in a dusty prairie. Jack hopped out and stretched. "Well, here we are," he said. "Let's get crackin'."
"This is a big planet, stupid," Hanpan said. "It's not going to be that easy. Finding one demon could be tough."
Cecilia knelt down to a passing chihuahua. "We might as well get a start," she said, tapping the dog on the head with her wand. "Is there any particular monster around here?"
"Yo quiero Taco Bell!" the chihuahua said. It wriggled out of Cecilia's hands and walked away.
"That was helpful," Jane said.
Rudy shaded his eyes and looked out over the mountain-studded horizon. "Any signs of civilization?"
Hanpan squinted. "Looks like some sort of lodge or something up on that short mountain."
"I don't see a thing."
"That's because you're a lesser life form."
"Yeah, well, I don't see any wind rats making dishwashers and stereos," Jane butted in.
"And the worth of a species is based solely on its ability to manufacture dishwashers and steroes?"
"Those are important things, you know," Jane said.
"Could we get going?" Cecilia asked icily. "We're not accomplishing much standing around here."
With Hanpan acting as a guide, the party set off towards the mountain lodge, which, when they arrived at it, turned out to be a whole town built on a wide wooden platform. The town and platform were both painted a bland, neutral, gray, except for the side outside that welcomed visitors to "P.C. City, an equal opportunity city. P.C. City does not discriminate based on race, creed, national origin, gender, marital status, sexual orientation, species, height, weight, age, intelligence, criminal record, experience level, ability to rub your stomach while patting your head, or any other physical, mental, or societal characteristic. All are welcome here."
Dubiously, the small party passed through the gates into the city. Beyond the gate lay a street wedged in between two peaks and lined with merchants' stalls. They approached the first stall, which was being operated by a bright orange fish wearing a blue tank top and green shorts. "Excuse me, sir," Rudy said, hoping the fish spoke his language.
"Whatcanihelpyouwithtodayivegoteverythingfromtraditionalyouthadvantagedclothing..." the fish paused for a breath, "...formarkersforthevitalitydisadvantaged."
"Come again?" Jane said.
"Whatwouldyouliketoexchangeyoursymbolsofeconomicimperialismfor?"
"Hel-lo... my... name... is... Jane..." Jane said. "Do... you... speak... Eng... lish?"
"Yes... I... do..." Manillo mocked. "Nowwhatareyoufolksinterestedin?"
Jane finally realized that Manillo was speaking her language, just at a pace about three times that conventionally used. "Slow down!" she said. "Slowwwww.... down..."
"He's a fish," Hanpan said. "What do you expect?"
Someone blew a loud whistle. Two unicorn-like guys, one blue and white and the other brown and green, strode up. The brown one grabbed Hanpan in one hand and yanked him off Jack's shoulder. "Excuse me," Sunder said. "The individual to whom you are referring is a Priman-Wyndian. In this more enlightened era, we do not use speciest terms like the F word. I'm afraid I've going to have to book you for special harassment."
The blue one, Balio, suddenly smacked Rudy in the back of the head, sending him to the ground. Jack drew his sword, but Balio skillfully kicked it out of his hand, while Sunder knocked the wind out of Elmina with a well-aimed punch. Jane scored a glancing blow on Sunder's shoulder with her ARM, only to have Balio slide up behind her and deal her a sharp blow to the head.
* * *
The little man in Rudy's head ran his drill through yet another part of Rudy's brain, setting off a fresh wave of pain. He sat up, blinked, and looked around. "Oh, man, my head's killing me," he said.
"Join the club," Jane said bitterly. She, and the rest of Rudy's party, were seated in a cell in a cramped jail built into the mountains surrounding P.C. City. Outside the cell, the two horse guys were cackling about their victory.
"We'll never lose our touch, eh, bro?" Sunder said.
"That blue-haired kid reminded me of that little twit," Balio said. "The next best thing, I suppose." He looked down at Jane's confiscated Hand Cannon. "And the boss is gonna be interested in these. All that chrysm stuff."
Both Balio and Sunder laughed a mocking, whinnying, laugh as they strode out of the jail. Seeing Jane's ARM appropriated by the pair, Rudy patted his pockets. "Shoot," he said. "They took our ARMs."
"I guess this is our farewell to ARMs, then," Jane said. "Good thing I brought my daggers."
Jack was examining the bars of the cage. "Hey, Hanpan, you think you could squeeze through there?"
"You really are helpless without me, aren't you?" a voice from inside Jack's coat squeaked. Hanpan crawled out and scuttled out of the cell. He looked around briefly, then pressed a loose stone on the wall. All three cells popped out, freeing not only Rudy's party but the occupant of another cell as well. The green-mohawked man was wearing a purple coat and pants and a red shirt, and had a shifty look in his eyes. Nevertheless, he promptly went to greet Jack, and muttered something unintelligible.
"Speak up, I can't hear you," Jack said.
"Mumble mumble Kenichi Vickson mumble."
"I think he said his name's Kenichi Vickson," Elmina said quietly.
"Mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble."
Jack gave Kenichi a slap on the back. "Well, anyway, you're free, thanks to Hanpan."
"You can save your applause until the end," Hanpan said. "Goodness knows how much more I'll have to do in this adventure."
"Considering we do all the fighting, you're still getting the better end of the bargain," Jack said to his shoulder-riding companion.
"Mumble mumble mumble mumble."
Kenichi trooped along behind Rudy's party as they left the prison (which, according to the sign outside, was actually a "Location For The Promotion Of Interspecial Harmony") and returned to P.C. City. "I'm getting the feeling we're not wanted here," Jane said. "We'd better hit the road."
"Yeah, but what about our ARMs?" Rudy said. "We've got to get them back first."
"Mumble mumble."
"What?"
"Mumble MUMBLE MUMBLE mumble," Kenichi said. He strode off down the street.
Rudy hurried after him. "Where are you going?" he asked.
"Mumble mumble, mumble mumble!"
"Speak up!"
"Mumble."
Kenichi approached a stall where a generic-looking blue-haired hero, a tiger, and a mole were bargaining with a merchant. "Mumble mumble mumble," he said.
The mole squinted at Kenichi through her glasses. "Don't I know you from somewhere?"
"Mumble mumble, mumble mumble mumble," Kenichi said, gesturing.
"Oh, yeah, the guy who mumbles all the time," the mole said. "Kenichi, wasn't it?"
Kenichi nodded his head. "Mumble mumble."
"Excuse me," Rudy said to the small group. "We're looking for two horse guys. They've taken something of ours. Have you seen them around?"
The whistle sounded again, prompting Balio and Sunder to leap down off a rooftop. "You just don't learn, do you?" Balio said. "We're Equestrian-Wyndians! I'm going to have to detain you again!"
"Ryu, it's Balio and Sunder!" the tiger exclaimed. "I thought you said they were dead."
Sunder turned towards the tiger. "Hey, brother..."
"What?"
"Look," Sunder said vaguely, not wanting to reveal the exact nature of the problem. He pointed at the trio of which the tiger was a part.
Balio stared at them for a moment, then recognition dawned. "OH NO! It's that stupid dragon kid again! How'd he get here? Er, I mean, Dragnieran-Wyndian."
"Don't you ever go away?" Sunder demanded.
While the horses' attention was diverted elsewhere, Jack leapt into action with a Trump Card, slashing down Sunder's back. Sunder turned, picked up Jack with both hands, and heaved him at the stall. Jack collided with Ryu and Rei and tumbled into the stall, almost hitting the terrified merchant. Kenichi ducked behind an overhanging rock for cover.
Rei roared and clutched his head, kneeling down on the wooden street. Pink light streamed out from him and he transformed into a huge tiger. "Whoa, that was cool," Jane said.
Rei leapt at Balio and slashed at him with his claws. Jack climbed out of the stall, holding his sword ready. Sunder ran to help his brother, and Jack and Hanpan attacked with Trickster. Hanpan scurried inside the bag hanging from Sunder's belt, hoping to find the ARMs, but instead finding merely several packages of Tic-Tacs. The wind rat started to fly back out of the bag, only to discover that the elastic around it had already snapped shut. "Help!" Hanpan shouted. "I'm stuck in here!"
Meanwhile, Ryu, Rei, and Momo were soundly kicking Balio around. Jack slashed through Sunder's belt with his sword. This had the desired effect of releasing the bag with Hanpan inside, but also caused Sunder's pants to fall to the ground, revealing his Pukey the Singing Squirrel boxer shorts. "Hey!" Sunder said, pulling his pants back up.
"I need a hand, bro!" Balio said as another of Momo's bazooka shells bounced off his head.
"Too bad! My pants have fallen and they can't get up!"
"Let's scram," Balio said. With Momo firing her bazooka after him, he and Sunder fled down the street. Rei dissolved into a line and transformed back to his humanoid form.
Jack opened the bag and let Hanpan out. "Did you get the ARMs?"
"Nah, the other guy must have had them."
"You wanna go after them?" Jane asked.
"Let 'em go," Hanpan said. "The poor guy needs a new belt. By the way, it would be nice if you warned me next time before you dropped me like that. I could have a concussion or something."
"Sorry." Jack scooped Hanpan up and returned him to his usual perch on Jack's shoulder.
"That's a cute pet you've got there," Momo said. As soon as she spoke those words, the Filgaians froze.
"What? Did I say something wrong?" Momo asked.
"Yes," Hanpan said icily. "I'M NOT A DAMN PET!"
"Sorry," Momo said.
"He seems to like you," Jack observed. "He didn't scream in your face like usual."
"I'm still shaken by that ordeal in that horse guy's bag," Hanpan said.
"Oh, shut up."
"I don't believe we've been introduced," Rudy said. "I'm Rudy Roughnight. My friends here are Jack Van Burace, Cecilia Adlehyde, Jane Maxwell, and, uh, Lucille." Since Elmina did not know her real name, they called her by the name she used, Lucille.
"Yeah, yeah, forget the rat," Hanpan said. "I'm just a worthless, scumlike, good-for-nothing, reject of society. No need to mention me."
"And Hanpan," Rudy amended.
"Ryu," Ryu introduced himself.
"Rei," Rei said.
"Momo," Momo said. She reached inside her robe and produced a small pinkish-orange metal robot, made of metal and about a foot and a half tall. "And this is Honey. She's a chrysm soldier from the Techno Age."
"Ooooh, the Techno Age," Jane said. "Ancient technology... mysterious robots... I think I've seen this somewhere before. Like twenty times."
"Why were Balio and Sunder after you?" Ryu asked.
"Those two unicorn guys?" Jack said. "Hanpan called a guy a f*sh, and they jumped us and tossed us in jail. We broke out, as you can see."
"I was positive they were dead," Ryu said. "I saw them die at the Maekyss Gorge. And if they were alive all along, how come they never showed up?"
"Maybe they came back to life somehow," Rei said. "Doesn't this just beat all?"
"Mumble mumble mumble," Kenichi said as he crawled out of his hiding place. "Mumble?"
"Does he ever talk intelligibly?" Jane asked.
"Kenichi? I don't think so," Rei said.
"Say, Kenichi," Momo said. "Have you ever heard of a place called Skytower? You can write your answer down. Here's some paper." Momo handed a small notepad to Kenichi, accompanied by a pencil that had been perched behind her ear.
"Mumble," Kenichi said. He scribbled "NO" on the paper and handed it back to Momo.
Momo read the brief answer. "Oh, well," she said.
"Have you heard of any sort of demon showing up lately?" Cecilia asked. She checked the Geiger counter. "Like around here?"
"I've heard they've been having monster trouble at the Dauna Mines," Rei offered. "Maybe another dragon?"
"We're looking for more something along the demon line," Jack said.
"Not necessarily," Cecilia corrected. "Stoldark said it was a demon-like presence. It could be a dragon or something."
"Dragons aren't demons," Ryu said hastily.
"We were heading up by the Dauna Mines anyway," Momo said. "You're welcome to come along, if you like."
"Sure," Rudy said. "Let's go."
* * *
"So what are you three trying to do?" Elmina asked Ryu. They were the first words Elmina had spoken since arriving on this new world.
"Momo can explain," Ryu said with a nod in the mole scientist's direction.
"We're looking for a place called Skytower," Momo explained. "It's supposed to control the world's climate. If we find it, we might be able to use it to turn all the deserts back into fertile land."
Jack wondered what deserts she was talking about, but thought it best to say nothing. The others apparently felt the same way, for they said nothing either, and the small band continued their hike through the Dauna Hills in silence.
"Oh, look," a sarcasm-laded voice said from somewhere ahead. "Here come the heroes. Just in time." The last sentence was particularly bitterly spoken.
"Hello?" Jane peered around a hill and found herself staring at a wolf clad in green overalls resting against the slope.
"Thanks for saving us," the wolf continued. "You came just at the right time."
"Mumble mumble MUMBLE mumble mumble," Kenichi said.
"Is something wrong?" Cecilia asked, concerned.
"Hey, it's Gary," Rei said. "I thought you worked at the mines."
"Yeah, until an hour ago," Gary said. "Mogu and I dug up some weird guy in a sphere and he went on a rampage. Well, not exactly a rampage. He just blasted through everything in his path. He still managed to take out three of us and collapse half the mines."
"Is that our man?" Jane asked Cecilia.
"It sounds like it," Cecilia said. "Where'd he go?"
"East, I think," Gary said. "I don't care. I've had it with those stupid mines. I'm going to become an insurance salesman."
"Jack, it's an insurance salesman in its larval stages!" Hanpan exclaimed. "You think we ought to capture it and take it back to be examined?"
"What the hell?" Gary said. "Shut up, you stupid little rat. I'd like to see you take on that guy."
"Look, we're sorry we weren't around to do anything," Ryu said. "But how could we have known what was going to happen?"
Gary shrugged. "I don't care," he said. "As I said, I've had it with those mines. I'm not going back there again. The place is cursed. Working there is about as dangerous as trying to disarm a nuclear warhead while wearing a straitjacket and on crack."
"Mumble mumble mumble."
Ryu handed Gary a business card. "The Porter's Guild in Rhapala is always looking for new people," he said. "Now that they've actually got some boats. Why don't you look them up? Tell them Ryu sent you."
"Okay, I will," Gary said. "Thanks."
"Aw, ain't it sweet," a voice sneered behind them. "Gets me right here."
"Oh no, not again," Ryu groaned as Balio and Sunder stomped across the hills. Sunder had found himself a new belt and was currently wearing it.
"You really think we're gonna let you off the hook that easily?" Sunder said. "Someday we're going to have a nice, long, talk about all the stuff you've done to us, and it won't be pleasant."
"For you, that is," Balio added. Both horses laughed an obnoxious, whinnying, laugh.
"Mumble mumble mumble," Kenichi said.
Balio produced a small box from his belt. "I wouldn't try anything funny," he said. "I've got a Barry Mannilow tape and I'm not afraid to use it."
"Hand over our ARMs," Jane said, drawing her daggers.
"Do you realize how weird that sounded?" Hanpan said.
"Mumble mumble!"
"I warned you," Balio said. He pressed the Play button on his tape recorder. While the party was paralyzed by the sound, he and Sunder moved in and beat them unconscious.
* * *
"Okay, whaddya guys want to do?" Sunder asked.
Jack shook his head to clear his mind and examined his surroundings. He and the rest of the small band were seated -- in varying states of consciousness -- in a cave of some sort. Sunder sat in a swivel chair behind an oak desk, tapping his foot impatiently while checking over something on a clipboard. Behind the brown member of the horse twins, a huge white banner advertising the "Balio and Sunder X Games" was sloppily tacked to the wall.
"I can put you down for street luge, hyena riding, or carbonation soccer," Sunder continued.
"Huh?" Rudy said, expressing the group's sentiments.
Sunder examined the clipboard further. "We're looking short on people for carbonation soccer. I'll put you there."
"Yo," Jane said. "What are you talking about?"
"Well, they closed the Contest of Champions, so we needed something new," Sunder said. "Bro came up with the X Games. You know, extreme sports."
"Yeah, extreme-ly stupid," Hanpan said.
"You'll be reporting to the carbonation soccer field in twenty minutes. You better not whiff, because we've got a lot of money bet on you." Sunder laughed his obnoxious whinnying laugh and trotted out of the room.
"Doesn't this just beat all?" Rei said, rubbing his ear.
"Does anybody have any idea what carbonation soccer is?" Cecilia asked. She received only silence, and a mumble from Kenichi, in reply. "Oh well, I guess we'll find out."
"Where are we, anyway?" Momo asked.
"Gramor," Gary replied. "The mole kingdom."
"Gosh, I didn't even recognize it," Momo said, gazing around the room. "I haven't been here since I was..." - she paused a moment to think - "...three."
"Let's find someplace to eat," Cecilia said. "I'm starving."
They left Sunder's office and stepped out into the bustling streets of Gramor. Moles of all types bicycled down the tunnels, which were lined with houses, shops, offices, and factories. It could have passed for any other city, except for the fact that it happened to be underground... and the fact that everybody was a mole... and the fact that all the buildings were actually caves... then again, maybe it couldn't have passed for any other city.
The party navigated the busy street and stopped at a nearby Hachio's to grab a bite to eat. "Now we need to find the carbonation soccer field," Rudy said. "Whatever that is."
"Hey, let's drop in at Mogu's and ask his folks," Gary suggested.
"You lead the way," Rudy said.
"Mumble mumble mumble! Mumble?"
Gary led the party to an average cave dwelling that belonged to Mogu's family. Since there weren't any doors to knock on, they stepped on in. "Excuse me," Gary said. "I'm a friend of Mogu's, and I've been, uh, recruited to play in the X Games. Do you know where the carbonation soccer field is?"
"I think they're holding that over in City Hall," Mogu's sister Rose replied. "Hey, before you go, do any of you know our visitor here? We found him tunneling through the desert." She gestured towards a bed where a purple-haired youth lay unconscious.
"Teepo!" Rei exclaimed.
"....bercler... conglomerate..." Teepo mumbled.
"What's wrong with him?" Rei asked.
"He was tunneling out through the desert, all by himself, using his shoe," Rose said. "He was pretty much delirious by the time we found him."
"...uhhh...a flash of light...a broken mirror...an angel's...voice... Zeno...gias...."
"Doesn't this just beat all?" Rei said.
Cecilia checked her watch. "We only have three minutes," she said. "We've got to go."
"But -"
"Come on!" Cecilia urged. She hurried out of the house with Kenichi, Garr, and the Wild Arms characters in tow. Rei shrugged resignedly, and he, Ryu, and Momo followed her. Cecilia idly checked the demon-Geiger counter on the way out. The signal had become much weaker.
They hurried to the easy-to-spot City Hall, the only actual building in Gramor. Balio was passing by the door just as they entered. "You here for the carbonation soccer?" he asked. "You're late. It's in the hall to your left."
Rudy dubiously opened the door and looked through, expecting to be hit by a flying object or otherwise assaulted. Instead, he found himself looking into a plain wooden hallway occupied by Sunder, Mogu, and Sten the monkey, and some assorted people making up the film crew.
"Hey, Mogu," Gary said. Mogu waved a claw in greeting.
"You're late," Sunder barked. "The audience is getting impatient."
"All right, Mr. Ed," Jane said, "Just what is carbonation soccer?"
"Did you hear that?" Sunder said, outraged. "She called me Mr. Ed! I hate that!"
"You didn't answer the question."
"All right, here's the rules," Sunder sighed. He picked up a can of Dr. Nusakan soft drink and started shaking it. "This is carbonation soccer. The ball is this can. You're in two teams, and you kick the can back and forth. See the line here?" Sunder pointed at a line of masking tape stuck to the floor. "The goal is to get the can to explode on the other team's side of the line. You can cross the line as much as you want, but you can only hit the can with your feet. Got that? Good."
"We're playing soccer with a volatile soft drink can? Kicking it?" Hanpan said. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my entire life! It's insane!"
"It's an extreme sport," Sunder replied. "All right, dragon boy, you and your friends get on that side with the mole. You're Team Canada." Ryu, Rei, Momo obediently trooped over to the other side of the line. Sunder studied the two sides for a moment, then amended, "And take the wolf over there too."
Sunder looked at the Wild Arms team, also including Kenichi. "You're Team Kenya. Team Canada will start with the ball." Sunder gave the can a few last shakes, then hurled it towards Ryu. "Go!"
Ryu backed away from the can as it landed on the ground and bounced once, staring uneasily at it as if it were a hand grenade -- which probably wasn't that far from the truth. Sten, however, fearlessly stepped up and kicked the can at Team Kenya. The game had begun.
Kenichi mumbled something and sent the can rolling back across the line with a light kick. Sten kicked it again, harder. The can arced over the line, hit the ground, and start bouncing. Amazingly, it did not explode.
Jack stepped up to the tumbling can with an evil grin on his face. He took a deep breath and gave it a mighty kick, sending the can whizzing through the air -- directly at Sunder.
The can struck Sunder directly in the chest and exploded, showering the area with shrapnel and liquid, and knocking Sunder back into the surprised film crew.
Pandemonium ensued. "RUN!" Jack yelled, racing for the exit. He threw open the door and darted outside -- only to find Balio standing right outside. Before Jack had time to react, Balio lashed out with his fist, catching Jack in the side of the head and knocking him out.
| Next chapter: Vicks and Wedge Do America |