Chapter 16: Death Wears a Richard Nixon Mask

Zenogias sat in his desk in Umbrella headquarters, under Castlevania -- or rather, a robot model of Zenogias's original body sat in his desk. The real Zenogias, in the body of the Topaz Weapon, rested in the room beyond. Zenogias had adapted Reeve's Cait Sith robot to create a robotic version of himself that he used to run the company. For one thing, he might have a hard time assuming authority in his current body, and, besides, the Topaz Weapon didn't have any hands, so paperwork was a wee bit difficult.

Someone knocked on the door. "Mr. President, sir, it's me, Zastava," the knocker said.

"All right. Come in," Zenogias said through his robot body.

The door opened, allowing a masked man in a red cloak to step into Zenogias's spacious office. Zastava quickly kneeled in Zenogias's presence. "Mr. President, sir, we've closed the deal to acquire Time-Warner," he said. "Combined with yesterday's acquistion of the Orion Nebula, we now own approximately 98% of everything that exists in the universe."

"98%," Zenogias reported. "That's still 2% to go."

"We're working on the Gongaga Gas and Electric deal, sir," Zastava said. "And AT+T."

"Good," Zenogias said. "Hurry those up. We don't have much time. I'm worried about Vincent and his friends. I want you to go back to your homeworld and investigate what connection this 'Tower' thing has to the Nus. And get Nakajima working on those new space probes." Zenogias, of course, was completely unaware of the fact that all of Rufus's party had just been killed.

"Yes, sir," Zastava said. "Will do, sir." He saluted and hurried out of the room. As soon as Zastava had gone, a bat perched in the ceiling fluttered out through a window and flew away to report to the others what he had learned.

Zenogias did not notice Alucard escaping. "98%," he repeated. "And we still don't know where the damn Nu planet is."

* * *

Rufus found himself floating down a dark tunnel towards a bright light. "Uh... where am I?" he said. "Am I... dead?" But there was nobody around to answer.

The light approached. Rufus passed through and into a completely normal-looking cave, in a passage leading downwards. The rest of the party was already there. "What is this place?" Rufus asked. "What happened?"

Wordlessly, Vincent pointed at a sign on the cave well. The sign showed a smiling skeleton and read "Welcome to the Underworld. Please Drive Friendly!"

"Not this place again," Kefka said. "This place sucks. It's, like, boring 'n stuff."

"So we are dead," Rufus said. "Now what?"

Aerith pointed down the tunnel. "We have to go check in."

"Oh yeah, I guess you've done all this dead stuff before, haven't you?" Rufus said.

The party set off down the tunnel, descending deeper into the ground. The tunnel eventually narrowed into a wooden door set into the rock. A sign next to the door read "No shirt, no shoes, no service."

"Crap," Cait Sith said. "I guess I'm out."

"I'll think they'll let it by," Aerith said. She pushed open the door and stepped through.

"Besides, I'm cute and marketable," Cait Sith, scurrying after Aerith.

Beyond the door lay the entrance gate to the underworld. A long line had formed between two lines of red foam, stretching off to a ticket booth far in the distance. Alongside that line was another line that, strangely enough, was completely vacant. Off to one side was the official Hades Gift Shop.

"Yes, the gift shop!" Cait Sith scrambled off to the neon-lighted building, accompanied by Spekkio and Lucca.

"How come that one line's totally empty?" Jack asked Aerith.

"I don't know," Aerith said. "It wasn't like this when I was here."

"Yeah, same with me," Elmina agreed.

"Me too," Sephiroth said.

"Gee, we really have a lot of formerly dead people here, don't we?" Hanpan said. "Aerith, Elmina, Sephiroth, Kefka..." His voice trailed off when he realized that he had listed everybody in the party that had died in the past, and more importantly that they had already run off towards the ticket booth at the end of the empty line. Hanpan flew after them and perched on Jack's shoulder.

"Cards, please," the skeleton manning the ticket booth sneered.

"Cards?" Rufus asked.

"Your year-long membership cards," the skeleton said snapped. "This is the express line for members ONLY. I don't have all day, you know, so if you don't have the cards, you'll have to leave."

"But there's nobody in the line!" Jack protested. "Why are you in such a hurry?"

"What foo'd want a year-long memba'ship to tha' underworld?" Barret interrupted.

"We have plenty of privileged customers," the skeleton said haughtily. "That Antilles guy, and his buddy... Darklighter or something. And his cousin -- the one that you can never understand what he's saying. Now GO AWAY."

"Hey, can I see about getting one of those cards?" Aerith asked.

"I said go away," the skeleton repeated.

"But -"

"Are you deaf or what? Get lost and don't come back!" the skeleton shouted. "Am I going to have to call security?"

"All right, all right, we get the @$%*^$% message, #!$*%$@%" Cid spat. The group turned and walked back to the end of the other line.

Elmina looked down the line in front of them. It appeared to stretch out for nearly a half-mile, reaching out towards the ticket booth that was barely visible in the distance. "Looks like we're going to be waiting for a while," she said.

* * *

Emma and Bartholomew made their way through the streets of Umbrellahyde, dressed in two Umbrella trooper uniforms that they had stolen. "We've got to get into the castle somehow," Bartholomew said.

"We'll take the passage through the sewers," Emma suggested. "Follow me." She led Barty to a small building in the corner of town.

* * *

Several hours later, the party had advanced perhaps a little less than a sixth of the way up the line. They were cramped into a small space in the line, with some albino squirrels in front of them and behind them, a bunch of grass that had been tragically killed by a lawnmower.

"Let's just kill everybody in the line, this sucks," Kefka complained.

"They're already dead, Kefka," Cecilia said patiently.

"Oh."

"'Scuse me, pardon me," a high-pitched voice said from the back of the line. Cait Sith, clutching a bag from the Hades Gift Shop to his chest, forced his way up to where his companions was. Lucca and Spekkio followed his wake. "Heya, guys," C.S. said. "Check out all the cool stuff we got." Cait rummaged in the bag and produced a cute plush Cerberus doll. "Look at this stuffed Cerberus. Ain't it kawaii?"

"Um... yeah," Hanpan said. "Real kawaii."

"And Lucca got this." Cait Sith pulled a t-shirt out of the bag. On the t-shirt was written "I Died And Went to Hades and All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt". "But Spekkio got the coolest thing of all. I wish I'd seen this before I spent my money on the Cerberus doll." Cait Sith reached into the bag and produced a ten-inch figurine of Death, complete with dark robe and scythe. "Check out this piggy bank. You put a coin in Death's mouth and his eyes flash and he says 'Foolish mortals!' and there's evil laughter."

Cait Sith scrounged around in his cape for a 1 gil piece and popped it into Death's mouth to demonstrate. Death's jaw closed, depositing the penny inside, and then his eyes started flashing blue. "Foolish mortals," a recorded voice said. "Mwah ha ha ha haa!"

"That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen," Red XIII said.

"Wow, you and Hanpan sure have seen a lot of ridiculous things," Jane said.

Cait Sith stared appreciatively at the bank. "This is just so damn cool," he grinned. C.S. stuffed all the merchandise back in the bag and joined the rest of the party in the thoroughly exciting activity of waiting in line.

"This line has advanced like two feet in the last ten minutes," Jane observed.

"Foolish mortals! Mwah ha ha ha haa!"

"I hope you guys weren't planning on doing anything for the rest of the afternoon," Hanpan said.

"Foolish mortals! Mwah ha ha ha haa!"

They stood in line for another twenty minutes, with Cait feeding coins into the bank incessantly. "Foolish mortals! Mwah ha ha haa!"

"You know, that's my bank, and all those coins are mine," Spekkio said.

"Foolish mortals! Mwah ha ha haa!"

"Do you know how old that's getting?" Cecilia sighed.

"Foolish mortals! Mwah ha ha haa!" Cait Sith continued to pop coins into the bank. Then, suddenly, he broke into song. "Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques, dormez-vous, dormez-vous?"

Rufus shook his head and sighed in exasperation. "This is going to be a long wait..."

* * *

Emma and Bartholomew crept through the Adlehyde Sewers. Emma pulled back her lab coat and drew a pair of knives of her belt. "Umbrella might have done some experimenting down here," she explained. "There could be monsters."

"Oh, now you tell me," Bartholomew said nervously. He glanced over his shoulder to see if anything was following him.

Nobody was. They advanced cautiously through the sewers, Bartholomew listening carefully -- and fearfully -- for any sign of danger. There were none, but he knew there would be one eventually. And there was.

It was not a growl. It was not a hiss. It was not footsteps. It was an off-key voice singing "Muskrat Love", and it was getting closer.

Beleslk rounded a corner in the sewers and came face to face with Emma and Barty. Bartholomew screamed.

* * *

They eventually reached the ticket booth. "Why is this place so busy today?" Aerith asked the skeleton manning the ticket booth, while Rufus was counting out their admittance fee -- 500 gil per person, 300 gil for small children and senior citizens.

"Hey, I'm a senior citizen," Cait Sith said. "I'm over five hundred years old -- I'm an Esper."

"Not mentally, you're not," Rufus muttered.

"Me too," Spekkio said. "I'm infinitely old."

"It's been this way the last couple of months," the skeleton answered Aerith's question. "Ever since the soul of Keiko the whale came here. It's been, well, hell."

Rufus scrounged up the requisite cash and handed it to the skeleton. "I'll need your names and some photo ID," the skeleton told them. Rufus noticed he was a wearing nametag that identified him as "Harvey".

"Rufus Shinra."

"Barret Wallace."

"Vincent Valentine."

"Sir Spunky the Pirate."

All heads towards Cait Sith. "Shut up, Cait," Rufus said. "That's Cait Sith," he told Harvey the skeleton.

In response to Rufus's comment, Cait popped a coin into the bank's moutth. "Foolish mortals! Mwah ha ha ha haa!"

"Have you committed any major crimes or abominations of nature in the last six months that would render you eligible for eternal damnation?" Harvey asked after they'd all given their names.

"Rufus has," Cait Sith blurted.

"Shut up," Rufus said. "I have not."

"Do you have major unresolved issues or obligations in your former life?" Harvey continued.

"Yeah, we still have to hunt down Zenogias and make him pay," Rufus replied. "And I never got to install my door, either."

"Your application to become a ghost will be filed. Do you or any of your immediate family believe in reincarnation?"

"If we say yes, do we get reincarnated?" Rufus asked hopefully.

"We might get wind up as naked mole rats or water buffalo or something, though," Hanpan cautioned.

"Er, no, we don't," Rufus said to Harvey.

"Do you have any other particular religious beliefs that would influence your life after death?"

"I want a hamburger," Cait Sith said.

"I need to return to the Planet," Aerith said. "And so does Red."

A plan suddenly hit Jane with a two-by-four. "I believe than we die, we immediately back to life, but lose half our gold," she said.

"Please specify the organized religion to which your beliefs belong."

"The Cetra religion," Aerith said.

"Er... Dragonquestism?" Jane said hopefully.

"I don't think so," Harvey said.

"Foolish mortals! Mwah ha ha ha haa!"

"Dang, I thought that was such a good idea, too," Jane said.

"Okay, I'll need to stamp your hands in case you need to return to the underworld." Harvey stamped a skull on the back of each party member's right hand. "You are now officialy dead. Welcome to the Underworld. I hope you have a hell of a time."

The party passed beyond the ticket booth and reached a sign directing them towards various caves. "Damned, turn left. Reincarnted, turn right. Other souls, continue straight."

"I guess that's us," Rudy said, referring to the last category.

They proceeded down the middle tunnel and eventually came to the River Styx. The cold black river stretched a wide, cavernous, chamber. On the near banks of the river, Charon the boatman and the Furies were marching back and forth, carrying picket signs. Charon's homemade sign read "MY JOB HAS GONE TO HELL", while the three Furies were carrying signs from Furies' Local 303, demanding higher wages and early retirement.

A large crowd of other souls were hanging around the area. Cid stopped one of them. "What the @#!%$ is going on here?"

"Charon and the Furies are on strike," the man explained. "We can't across the Styx until Charon goes back to work."

"Charon and the Furies," Cait Sith said. "That sounds like the name of a band."

"This is a bit of a problem," Vincent said.

"Let's swim across," Sephiroth suggested.

"We'd better not," Hanpan said. "Styx and stones may break our bones."

"Someone take that pun out and shoot it," Rufus said. "That was even worse than the Jenova's witness one."

Lucca noticed a vending machine in the corner of the cave, dispening the official candy of Hades, Grizzly Twizzlies. Sort of a combination with Twizzlers and Laffy Taffy with its own macabre touch, Grizzly Twizzlies was a black rope-shaped candy that came in a wrapper covered with morbid thoughts. "Hey, Cait, give me that bank a moment," Lucca said.

"No way," Cait replied. As if to emphasize his point, he popped another coin in Death's mouth. "Foolish mortals! Mwah ha ha ha haa!"

"Hey, Cait, that is my bank, you know," Spekkio said.

"Oh, all right." C.S. handed the bank to Lucca, who turned it over and emptied all the coins out of it. She started feeding them into the vending machine and grabbing the packages of Grizzly Twizzlies that came out.

"What are you doing?" Vincent asked her.

"We can knot these together to make a rope," Lucca explained. "Then we can swing across the river."

"Good thinknig, MacGyver," Jane said.

Lucca used her supply of coins, which, given the frequency with which Cait Sith had been adding them to the bank, was rather large. She gestured towards the huge stack of Twizzlies packages. "All right, let's go to work. And no eating them."

* * *

Lucca examined the completed rope in a critical fashion, then gave it a few experimental tugs. "Seems strong enough," she said. "Let's give it a shot." Lucca tied a noose in the candy rope and tossed it around a stalagtite on the ceiling.

One by one, they swung across the Styx. Cait Sith, being the lightest, went first, followed by Spekkio. The last to cross was Barret, carrying Red XIII tucked under one arm. Amazingly, the rope managed to support even this heavy load. When they were on the other side of the Styx, Lucca yanked the rope off the stalagtite and stuffed it in her purse for later use. She waved at the staring crowds as the party continued deeper into Hades.

The cavern began to widen into a large central chamber that branched off into many caves, each leading into different parts of the underworld. In the center of the main cave was a statue of Hades atop a blood-red fountain. A few souls were standing near the fountain, conversing. Rufus approached them. "Excuse me," he said. "I'm new here. Where can I talk with the management?"

"Hades doesn't talk with just anyone, you know," the soul said. "And neither does Death. But if you want to try, you have to go up that middle cave, get by Cerberus, and make an appointment with the secretary."

"All right, thank you," Rufus said. He and the rest of the group entered the tunnel that the soul had pointed out. The passage spiraled downwards for about a mile before leading out into a circular cave. In the back of this cave was a pair of ornate wooden double doors, guarded by the three-headed hellhound Cerberus. In the corner of the room was a large doghouse

Cerberus barked. "Did anybody think to bring a piece of meat to get by Cerberus?" Red XIII asked.

"No, but I've got a better idea," Cait Sith said. He tossed his plush Cerberus on the ground and cast a spell on it. It started to grow and let out a growl. The doll's mouth opened as the toy came to life. Cait Sith hopped astride the animated toy, which was now larger than the real thing. "Get 'em!" C.S. commanded through his megaphone.

The real Cerberus backed fearfully against the door, its eyes wide. Cait Sith's Cerberus charged towards him, baring its fangs. Cerberus scurried out of the way and ran into his doghouse, whimpering.

"Good job, boy," Cait said to his Cerberus. He jumped off and cast another spell on it, returning it to a stuffed animal.

Spekkio held his bank up to the doghouse and popped in a coin. "Foolish mortals!" Death said. "Mwah ha ha haa!"

Rudy opened the door Cerberus had been guarding and stepped into the lobby of the Hades Building. The floor of the lobby was made of gold, and the wooden walls were painted a similar color. Palm trees lined the walls, and a fountain decorated the center of the room. On the far side of the room was a golden desk at which sat a (presumably dead) man in a business suit.

Rufus pushed by Rudy and walked to the desk. "Excuse me, sir," he said. "I need to make an app - Tseng?"

"Long time no see," Tseng greeted him. "Looks like reality finally caught up with your plans."

"What are you talking about?" Rufus asked, confused.

Tseng ignored the question. "What are all those AVALANCHE losers doing here?"

"It's a long story," Rufus said. "But we need to talk to Death. You can get us in to see him, can't you?"

"Why should I?" Tseng replied.

"Why?" Rufus exploded. "I'm your boss, that's why!"

"I don't think so. I work for Hades now. I posed as the mail boy posing as a random soul, and that's how I got this job."

"Old time's sake?" Rufus said hopefully.

Tseng leaned back in his chair. "Oh, please. Don't tell me you were so naive not to know I was working for Domino."

"Uh.... I take the Fifth," Rufus said.

"Tseng," Red XIII said. "You need to help us. We were fighting against the Umbrella Corporation and we were all killed. Umbrella has bought out Shinra. We have to talk to Death, so that we can be reincarnated."

"Yeah, let us in, dumbass," Kefka said.

"Shinra doesn't even exist anymore, Tseng," Aerith said. "Everything's been replaced by Umbrella."

Tseng's hand stopped halfway on the way to throwing a piece of paper in the trash can. He froze and stared, and Rufus could almost hear the gears turning in his head.

"Look at this way, Mr. Whatever-Your-Name-Is," Jane said. "The fate of the universe is in your hands, and you don't want to be known as 'Butterfingers.'"

"Foolish mortals! Mwah ha ha haa!"

Tseng sighed. "All right," he relented. "Just don't tell Tortellini about this, okay?"

"Oh, we won't," Rufus said.

After another moment's hesitation, Tseng got up and ascended the staircase behind him. He disappeared into a golden door. About fifteen minutes later, Tseng returned and gestured for them to join him at the door. "Death will see you," he said. "Come on. He's a busy guy."

"I can imagine," Elmina said.

They followed Tseng down the hallway behind the door, up two flights, and down another hall. They stopped in front of an ornate black door decorated with skulls and tombstones. The nameplate over the office door said simply "DEATH."

"That's a nice door," Rufus said. "Not as nice as mine, though."

Tseng rapped the skull-shaped knocker. "Mr. Shinra is here, sir."

"Come in," the voice from inside was deep and booming, but not as ominous and powerful as you would have expected from Death. Tseng stepped aside, forcing Rufus to open the door himself and step into the office of Death.

Seated in a large chair on the far side ofthe brown-carpted room, with his feet on the desk, was a figure clad in a baseball cap (a Seattle Mariners cap, to be exact), a Tommy Hilfiger shirt, low-riding black jeans, and white Nike hi-tops. The figure had the face of Richard Nixon, but its arms were nothing but bone. "Don't just stand there, come on in," it said.

Rufus stepped nervously into the room. "Are you... Death?"

"That is what they call me."

"I... didn't know, uh, looked like Richard Nixon."

"This is a mask, you fool," Death said. "The flashing eyes give people the creeps, so I wear this."

Spekkio looked reflectively at his bank. "I dunno... I kind of like 'em."

"Oh..." Rufus said. "Death wears a Richard Nixon mask. I see. You, uh, really look like ol' Tricky Dick himself."

"Huh huh, he said 'dick,'" Kefka chuckled, back in the hall.

"Knock it off, Beavis," Hanpan said. "That's getting really annoying."

Cait Sith poked his head into the office. "Er, is it safe to come in?" Seeing that Rufus was still alive, he padded inside. "Aren't you supposed to say 'Greetings, mortal,' or something?"

"Would that make you happy?"

"It just seems right, that's all."

"Very well," Death agreed. "Greetings, mortal."

The rest of the group started to file into the room. "There's been a terrible mistake," Rufus explained. "We seem to have died. That just doesn't happen. Have you ever heard of a fanfic where all the main characters die?"

Death was not paying any attention to Rufus. "Haven't I seen some of you before?"

"Well, er, yes, I did, uh, before," Aerith said.

Death sat bolt upright and dropped his feet off his desk. "Do you have a resurrection permit?"

"Oh, yes, of course. It's right here." Aerith summoned some papers and handed them to Death. Death took them and examined them, searching for some reason to reject him. To his disappointment, everything appeared in order.

"Okay, you're off the hook," Death said grudgingly. He handed the papers back. "But I don't think you have one." Death stared piercingly through his Richard Nixon mask at Sephiroth.

"I don't need one," Sephiroth said. "I was a ghost. Never officially dead, y'see."

"You got lucky," Death said. He continued to search the party for a target. Elmina tried to hide behind Jack, but the movement only attracted Death's attention. "YOU," he boomed, pointing a bony finger at the Fenril Knight.

"That's not fair," Elmina said. "I've had amnesia up until now. How would I know I needed a permit?"

"Rules are rules, Ms. Ensis," Death said. "You need the permit to be resurrected. Nobody argues with the boss."

"Boss?" Elmina swallowed. "You have a boss?"

"Hades," Death said. "He runs the place. I just handle the in-and-out stuff. Mostly in, of course... or at least, it used to be mostly in. Now Umbrella's running around reviving pepople left and right. Everything's staying put in a handbasket."

"That's what we're here for," Rufus jumped in. "That's why we need your help. We're trying to stop Umbrella."

"Tough," Death said. He waved his hand to dismiss them. "I'm not going to talk to you rezzies if you don't have your permits. Get out of my office."

* * *

Emma and Bartholomew fled down the sewers. Belselk pounded after them, whirling his morning star over his head and singing "Muskrat Love". The song somehow only added to the terror.

"Do you know where you're going?" Bartholomew hissed.

"Not exactly," Emma said. "But I'm sure we'll find a way out." She turned a corner and ran until she saw the wall in front of her. "Oops. Dead end."

Belselk plodded towards them. "Yeah, in more ways than one," Barty said.

They backed towards the wall as Belselk advanced on them. Emma looked around for a way out. Barty just cringed. "Muskrat Suzy, Muskrat Sam," Belselk sung. "Doin' the jitterbug out in muskrat laa-aaauugh!" Belselk was thrown off the ledge and into the sewers by an unknown assailant behind him.

The man stepped forward. He was a human, wearing a purple suit. His age was evident in his gray hair, which stuck out of his head in two gravity-defying protrusions.

"Hi," Emma said.

The man nodded. "Heihachi Mishima, former president of the Mishima Financial Empire."

"Emma. And this is Bartholomew."

Heihachi looked down into the sewer muck. "He must have been another one of Umbrella's goons."

"You said you're the former president," Bartholomew said. "What happened?"

"We were bought out," Heihachi said. "By Umbrella. They've bought up all the big evil corporations."

"They're everywhere, aren't they?"

"Yes," Heihachi said. "They own 98% of everything in the universe, including this city."

"So we noticed."

"I'm here to do something about it. Follow me."

* * *

Elmina and Kefka stood in line at the Hades Department of Ghosts and Resurrections. Elmina fiddled with the hilt of her sword impatiently. "Come on, hurry up," she said under breath.

"This sucks," Kefka declared. "I want to kill somebody."

After a while, they reached the front of the line. "Can I help you?" the clerk said irritably.

"Yes, we need to get our resurrection permits," Elmina said.

"Have you been approved for a resurrection?" the clerk snapped.

"No, see, we were already resurrected, but we didn't get our permits," Elmina explained. "Now we've died again. We need to get the old permits retroactively."

"You can't do that," the clerk said.

"Why not?"

"It's never been done before."

"So?" Elmina said. "Why can't we do it now?"

"I'm busy, and I don't care about your stupid little problem," the clerk said. "You need to go talk to the Corrections Department."

"Where's that?"

"You figure it out," the clerk said. "NEXT!"

Elmina sighed and left the building with Kefka in tow. After some looking around, she managed to locate the Corrections Department. Just as she arrived at the department, an employee was putting up a "Closed for lunch" sign in the window. "Open the door, dammit!" Kefka said.

"It's their break, Kefka," Elmina explained patiently. "We'll have to wait."

The two sat down outside the building and waited for about half an hour until the department opened again. Elmina hurried in, expecting to be the first in line. However, some people had snuck in during the lunch break, or were there the whole time, and there was a line of about twenty people. They were in for another wait.

"Man, this really sucks," Kefka said. "I wish I, like, had some nachos 'n stuff."

"For once, I'm inclined to agree with you," Elmina said.

After reaching the end of that line, they talked with another clerk. "We were resurrected without a permit," Elmina explained. "But now we're dead again. We need to apply for a permit from that previous resurrection."

"You're in the wrong line," the clerk said condescendingly. "This is the wrongful death line. You need to be in the ghost and resurrection line, over there. But Bill isn't back from lunch."

Elmina and Kefka sat down on a bench to wait. "Son of a submariner," Kefka said in a rare moment of semi-intelligence, "all we're doing is waiting."

Rufus entered the building. Cait Sith hopped along behind him, playing with Spekkio's bank. "Foolish mortals! Mwah ha ha haa!"

"There you guys are," Rufus said. "Any luck?"

"Nope," Elmina said. "We're getting a real bureaucratic runaround. First we went to the Department of Ghosts and Resurrections, then they sent us here, but it was closed for lunch, and the guy we need to talk to still hasn't come back from lunch yet. So we're waiting until Bill comes."

"When Bill comes," Rufus repeated.

"Ouch!" Kefka suddenly exclaimed.

All three looked at him. "What?"

"I was bendin' a paper clip and it got hot," Kefka replied.

"Um... yeah," Rufus said.

"Foolish mortals! Mwah ha ha haa!"

The door to the building opened and a skeleton in a plaid shirt and black pants walked in, munching on a sandwich. "Excuse me, are you Bill?" Elmina asked.

"Yeah, can I help you?" Bill the skeleton said.

"We need to get a permit for a past resurrection," Elmina explained. "We were resurrected without one, but now we died again, and Death wants us to get a new one.

"Were you approved for the resurrection?" Bill asked, barely understable because of the sandwich he was chewing.

"I don't know," Elmina said. "I had amnesia."

"Then you'll have to go to the files department and check to see if you got your approval signed."

"Errr..." Elmina clenched her fists angrily and counted to ten to stop herself from throttling Bill.

Cait Sith cut in. "Hey, where does the sandwich go when you eat it?" Bill ignored him and walked to his post at the counter. "They never answer..." Cait said sadly.

* * *

Elmina and Kefka stood in yet another line at the files department. Rufus, Cait, and Lucca lounged around to keep the pair company and offer Elmina someone to talk to besides Kefka. The ex-general was currently pulling the plugs out of all the lobby's inflatable palm trees to hear them deflate.

"I need to see if I was approved for a resurrection," Elmina said when she finally got to the front of the line. "I had amnesia, so I don't know."

"Sorry, our computers are all down," the clerk said.

"When are they going to be back on?" Elmina asked.

"I don't know," the clerk said. "When Bill comes. He's our computer repair guy."

"The last time we spent half an hour waiting for Bill," Elmina said icily.

"Would you like me to fix the computers?" Lucca said. "I'm good with computers."

"Only approved personnel are allowed to use our computers," the clerk said.

"Look!" Elmina shouted angrily. "I think you're doing this to us on purpose! She forgets more about computers in one day than this Bill fellow will ever know in his entire life, so LET HER FIX THEM! NOW!"

The clerk meekly backed away. Lucca ran to the computer. "What's wrong with it?" she asked the harried clerk.

"We don't know," the clerk said. "I've pushing and pushing the foot pedal, but nothing happens?"

"Yeah, the foot pedal. Right there." The clerk pointed at the mouse, which he had placed on the ground under the chair.

"That's a mouse, you idiot," Lucca said. She picked it up and put it on the counter, then pressed the computer's On button. "You have the press the On button to turn the computer on. I know that's terribly confusing, but I think you can handle it."

"Could you write that down?" the clerk replied dimly.

"Look, I turned the freakin' computer on, so just see if Elmina was approved for a resurrection, okay?"

"Name?" the clerk said.

"Elmina Ensis," Elmina answered.

The clerk typed the name into the computer and waited. "Nope," he said. "You're not on here. You'll have to go to the Department of Ghosts and Resurrections to get an approval form."

* * *

After waiting in line yet again to get their approval forms, Elmina and Kefka sat down to fill them. "This sucks," Kefka said. "You have to, like, read all this junk 'n stuff."

Elmina stared at her paper, trying to tell if you were supposed to write on the line above or below where it said "NAME". It was impossible to tell, so she picked the line below it. Elmina then proceeded to fill out the rest of the background information -- address, date of birth, species, telephone number, experience level, greatgrandmother's pet's name, and meaning of the word "zamboni". She then moved to the next box. The top read "Cause of death", and in the rest of the box was printed "DO NOT WRITE IN THIS SPACE". Seeing no other alternative than to write in the space, Elmina went ahead and filled out her reason for death.

Elmina moved onto the next section, which required her to write a brief essay on the history of Prussia. The final question then asked her to scratch a scratch-and-sniff circle on the sheet and write what it smelled like. Kefka, meanwhile, was a bit slower. "Hey, what's a zamboni?" he asked. "Is that, like, one of the words for 'schlong'?"

"Uh... no," Elmina said. "It's what they use to clean the ice at hockey games."

"Why didn't you tell me that earlier?" Kefka said. "Now I have to erase this." Kefka started violently erasing his answer to the zamboni question, tearing a hole through his paper. Kefka stared at the shredded paper. "Dammit, this sucks," he said. "I have to, like, start all over."

Kefka got another paper and started over, while Elmina tried to figure out what the smell was. "Hey, that smells like chocobo dung," Kefka said. "Chocobo's mysterious dung, y'know."

"Are you serious?" Elmina said. "Thanks." For once, Kefka had actually come in useful. She finished the form and handed it in to the clerk.

The clerk stared at critically. "You're off a line. You're supposed to write on the lines above the labels, not below them. Here, take another one and try again."

Elmina sighed and filled out her form over again. She and Kefka handed their forms to the clerk, only to have them rejected. "You have to go get Death's approval," the clerk said.

"Not again..."

* * *

Elmina and Kefka stood in Death's office while Death stamped his approval on their resurrection approval forms. Suddenly, a skeleton flunkie burst into the room. "It's Charon and the Furies!" the skeleton exclaimed. "They're threatening to turn off the furnace if they're demands aren't meant!"

Death swore. "I'll handle this," he said, grabbing his scythe and rushing out of the room.

Elmina and Kefka jogged after him. "What's the big deal?" Elmina asked. "So what if they turn off the furnace?"

"Then hell will freeze over!" Death said. "And if that happens, all the things that people said would happen 'when hell freezes over' will all happen at once! It'll be complete anarchy!"

"Anarchy," Kefka said. "Cool."

"No, not cool," Death said.

They descended the Hades Building towards the furnace room. Cait Sith, Red XIII, Jane, and Barret were sitting around the lobby when Death, Kefka, and Elmina ran by. "What's goin' on?" Barret asked.

"Charon and the Furies are trying to turn off the furnace and make hell freeze over!" Elmina shouted. "There'll be hell to pay if we don't stop them!"

"All right, all right, I think we've gotten all the mileage out of that particular joke," Red XIII said. "It's getting very old."

"I still think Charon and the Furies sounds like a rock band," Cait Sith said.

"Shut up and follow us!" Death said. He led the gang down into the dusty basement and into the furnace room.

Charon and the Furies were standing on a walkway over the huge furnace that heated all of Hades. Charon had a drum set, and the Furies were carrying guitars.

"Hey, whaddya know, they are a rock band," Cait said.

"Don't move or the furnace gets it," Charon said.

"We've got you now, Death," one of the Furies said. "You made us work for peanuts! You didn't give us enough holidays! Now you'll face our wrath! HA HA HA HA!"

"A bit harsh, isn't she?" Red XIII commented.

"Hey, hell hath no woman like a Fury scorned," Jane said. "Or something like that."

"I'd like to scorn her, if ya know what I mean," Kefka chuckled. "Huh huh huh."

"Shut up, Kefka," Elmina said.

Death, after analyzing the situation, decided rushing Charon would not be a good idea. "What are your demands?" he asked.

"Demands?" Charon looked at the Furies.

"Quick, think of something," one of the Furies said.

"I want to hear you sing 'Old MacDonald Had A Farm'," Charon said to Death. "With all the animal noises in it."

To everyone's amazement, Death complied and started singing the song, with all the oinks, baas, and moos in it. "I can't believe he's doing this," Elmina whispered.

"Death be not proud," Red XIII explained.

While Death was singing, Kefka pulled a piece of Magicite out of his cloak. When nobody was looking, he used it to summon Hades. An altar appeared floating in the furnace room, and a chandelier over it. Hades appeared on the altar, wearing a dark red cloak that showed only his skeletal face.

"Oh no, it's Hades!" Charon exclaimed.

Hades mumbled something unintelligble in a nonsense voice.

"Oh no, it's like that Kenichi guy," Jane said.

"Here!" Cait tossed Hades his megaphone.

Hades held the megaphone up to his mouth. "DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY THIS, CHARON?" he said.

"Up until this point," Charon said nervously.

Cait fed a quarter into the bank. "Foolish mortals! Mwah ha ha haa!"

"GET BACK TO WORK OR I'LL MAKE YOU PUSH A BOULDER UP A HILL FOR ETERNITY."

"They don't let us do that anymore, remember, Boss?" Death said. "The human rights activists got really ticked."

"SHUT UP, DEATH. ALL RIGHT, CHARON, GET BACK TO WORK OR I'LL CALL IN THE SINGING YOSHIS."

Charon cringed. "Yes, sir. Right away, sir." He and the Furies set down their instruments and left the room. Hades disappeared, taking his altar with him. Cait Sith grabbed his megaphone as it fell down from the air.

"Good thinking," Elmina said to Kefka. "I think you've redeemed all those moronic comments you made."

"Actually, I was trying to, like, summon Shiva," Kefka said. "She's pretty hot, huh huh."

"Never mind."

"Well?" Jane asked Death. "We saved Hades. Do we get resurrected now?"

"Why should I?" Death said. "What's in it for me?"

"Hey, I saw this movie once where this guy played chess with Death for his soul," Cait Sith said. "Could we do that?"

"And what happens if you lose?"

"Uh, we're you're slaves for eternity," Cait said. "Fair deal? We win, we're resurrected; we lose, we work for you?"

"It's a deal," Death said.

"Are you crazy?" Jane hissed to Cait. "What if we lose?"

"Don't worry," Cait Sith whispered back. "Red never loses at chess."

"You will be the one playing me, of course, Mr. Sith," Death said. "I know all about Nanaki's chess talents."

"Damn," Cait said. "Hey, could I build a chess computer? If I do it all by myself, it'll still be me playing you, won't it? Is that okay?"

"Very well," Death said. "If you build the computer all on your hand, you can use it."

"Cool," C.S. said. "Well, I got work to do."

* * *

An hour later, Cait pushed a mainframe into Death's office. Although it was big, the interior of the computer was devoid of parts -- instead of parts, Red XIII was hiding inside it. "Okay, here it is," Cait said. "I call it 'Deep Red'."

"I see," Death said. "Let us begin." He took a chess board and some chess pieces out of his desk and set them up. "You move first, Mr. Sith."

"Okay," Cait said. He pushed a button on the mainframe shell, making a beeping sound. A bunch of lights that Lucca had rigged up started flashing, creating a rather hollow illusion that the computer was working. Inside, Red XIII scribbled his opening move on a piece of paper and fed it out through a slot. Cait took it and followed Red's advice.

Death took his move. Cait wrote it on the paper and slipped it back inside "Deep Red". Red XIII read it, added Cait's next move, and slid it out again. And so Cait played chess against Death.

The match was over quickly. "Checkmate," Cait Sith said. "YOU LOSE! In your face! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!" He leaped out of his chair and did an excited dance around the room.

Death stared at the board. The cat was right. He had lost. "Very well," Death said. "I lost. You and your friends will be approved for resurrection."

"Cool," Cait Sith said. "Hey, do you have a brother named Taxes? Because the only two sure things in li-"

"I said you will be approved for resurrection," Death said. "Do you get the message?"

* * *

Emma, Bartholomew, and Heihachi stood examining the satellite antenna that had been attached to the statue of Zeldukes in Umbrellahyde. "I don't get it," Heihachi said. "Is this modern art or something?"

"I think they're channeling his power out or something," Emma said. "Hey, look at this, on the back. It says 'Shebat Shield Generator -- Do Not Touch'."

"So what do we do?" Barty asked.

"We touch it," Emma said simply. She tore the antenna off the statue and tossed it in the bushes.

* * *

The newly-resurrected party materialized outside the factory where they had been killed. "Well, I've still got the gears," Spekkio said. "Let's go fix up the Protowing."

Cid made a few quick adjustments to the Protowings, attached the gears to their proper receptacles, and slammed the hood shut. "All @#$#$*in' ready to go," he said. "Let's go."

The team climbed in the Protowing and took off. "What are we looking for?" Rudy asked as he flew the vehicle over the Nu planet.

"Something that might tip us off about the connection between Jenova and Mother," Cecilia said. "Maybe a library, or something."

"How 'bout that big PlayStation down there?" Spekkio said.

"Huh?" Rudy stared out the window. Sure enough, there was a giant PlayStation-shaped building standing alone in the grassy fields below. It was gray and rectangular, with a slight dome on the top.

Rudy flew down for a closer look and parked the Protowing on the top of the building. They disembarked and poked around the roof, examining everything with puzzlement. What was the purpose of a building like this?

Aerith was walking around the side of the dome. "There doesn't seem to be any door here," she noted.

"No problem," Jane said. She ran across the roof to the corner of the building and sat on a circular pad. "Hey, I need some more weight over here." Some of the other team members ran over and sat down on the pad with her. It clicked down into the roof of the building, and the dome rose back on a hinge.

The party descended a short staircase into the interior of the building. Its stone pillar-lined halls were vacant, but the lack of dust or cracks indicated it was still being maintained. They wandered around the maze-like halls until they came to a clear-floored room. It was circular, enclosed by a metal wall and a ring of pillars in front of the wall. In the center of the room was a tablet.

Rufus peered at the tablet. "What language is this?" he said. "Aerith, is this Cetran?"

"No," Aerith said. "It doesn't look like any language I've ever seen before."

"It must be the Nu language," Lucca said. "Too bad we can't read it."

"Wait a second!" Vincent said. "I can use my decoder ring! The one I got from the cereal monster in New York." He pulled the ring out of his cloak and examined it. "Yup, I think this works." Vince spun the wheels on his ring and decoded the three lines of text on the tablet.

"The first line says... 'A flash of light,'" Vincent said. "The second line says... 'A broken mirror.' The third line says 'An angel's voice.'"

"What the @$%&*$% is that supposed to mean?" Cid said.

"We probably have to get all those things," Sephiroth said. "I can provide the angel's voice."

"No way!" Kefka said. "I thought of that whole idea first!"

"Yeah, well, I have the patent on it!" Sephiroth retorted.

"Oh, not this again," Hanpan sighed.

"Ha! Watch this!" Kefka glowed and transformed into his angel form.

"You wanna fight, huh?" Sephiroth said. He too changed into his angel form.

"Hey, hey, guys," Jack tried unsuccesfully to break up the fight.

"Super Nova!"

"Light of Judgment!"

The two unleashed their corresponding attacks simultaneously, knocking each other unconscious. "What'd you do that fo', foo'?" Barret said. "Now we got no angel's voice!"

"I guess we'll have to get another one," Rufus said. "Anybody know any other games with angels in them?"

"FF Tactics," Red XIII said.

"Yeah, but we have to use the Deva System to get there," Rufus said.

"How 'bout Xenogears?" Cid suggested. "I think that does."

A bat winged its way into the room and landed in front of the tablet. It shimmered and turned into Alucard. "Hey, Count Chocula's back," Cait Sith said.

"I found out what Umbrella's up to," Alucard reported. "They're looking for the planet of the Nus."

"That's where we are, numbskull," Hanpan said.

"Yes, but Umbrella is coming, too," Alucard said. "They're investigating something called the 'Tower' to find out where the Nu planet is. They're also sending out space probes from this one place called Nakajima Robotics."

Spekkio scratched his head. "Why are you telling us this?"

"Shouldn't we do something about it?" Alucard said.

"This planet must be important for something," Lucca agreed. "We might want to keep Umbrella away from it."

"Okay, then," Rufus said. "I and the rest of the FF7 characters will go see if we can get the angel's voice. Rudy, you take the Wild Arms gang and go shut down the space probes. And the miscellaneous characters will check out this Tower place."

"Wow, I'm a miscellaneous character," Lucca said sardonically.

"What about Seph and Kefka?" Aerith asked. The pair was still unconscious from their brief scuffle.

Rufus shrugged. "Leave 'em here. And everybody be sure to keep your eyes peeled for a broken mirror or a flash of light."