Chapter 14: Enter the Wu-Tai

Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, and Jane tumbled out the other end of the Time Gate and onto what resembled an old train platform. The lighting was dim, and around the platform, there was nothing but darkness and mist. Several pillars of light shone up from the floor in a grid pattern.

Somebody was running towards them. It was none other than the one, the only... Spekkio! "Hey, you guys!" he shouted. "You're the ones who beat Angle Fred, aren't you? Or has that happened yet? I get so mixed up sometimes."

"Yeah, that happened," Jack said.

"That's Angol Fred," Jane corrected.

"Yeah, whatever," Spekkio said. "You gotta help me! Some guys just burst in here, knocked Gaspar out, and swiped the last Chrono Trigger! They took the Time Gate to the future... I think they're trying to revive somebody at Death Peak. Help me, Jack Van Burace, you're my only hope!"

"All right, all right, calm down," Rudy said. "What do you want us to do?"

"We've got to get the Chrono Trigger back," Spekkio said. "Follow me. Oh yeah, only three people can travel through time, so one of you wait a moment."

Spekkio walked into one of the tubes of blue light and made a motion with his hand. A blue Time Gate opened up and Spekkio disappeared inside. A moment later, Jack, Jane, and Cecilia went through, and Rudy after them.

* * *

The Chrono Trigger crew -- Crono, Marle, Lucca, Frog, Magus, Ayla, and Robo -- wandered through the now-functional Lab 32 in search of Crono's mother and, more importantly, his horde of cats. A Time Gate suddenly opened in front of them and Spekkio hopped out.

"Hey, you guys, too," Spekkio said. "Great! I need your help! The last Chrono Trigger's been stolen."

"Methinks that we already useth the last Chrono Trigger," Frog said.

"There was one more," Spekkio said. "I brought some other guys along too." He nodded to Jack, Jane, and Cecilia, who were just climbing out of the Time Gate.

"Aren't you the people who blew up Leene Square?" Lucca asked.

"Wasn't us," Hanpan said. The wind rat crawled out of Jack's pocket, where he had been tucked away during the trip. "That was ol' Marlboro Man Cid."

"Who take magic egg?" Ayla asked.

"It was just some random bunch of guys," Spekkio said. "The leader guy, he was mostly bald, he had small glasses, suit and bow tie... you know him?"

Jack scratched his head. "Don't anybody like that, sorry."

Spekkio shrugged, or at least shrugged the best he could despite not having shoulders. "Anyway, we got to get to Death Peak and stop them from using the Chrono Trigger. Follow me."

Spekkio jogged off down the hall. The Chrono Trigger and Wild Arms groups followed him, introducing themselves as they ran. "What is this Chrono Trigger?" Cecilia asked.

"Technically speaking, it's a poly -" Lucca began.

"It's a device that opens a gate to a specific moment in time," Marle interrupted, while Lucca continued to give Hanpan the full technical explanation. "We used it to save Crono by substituting a doll of him." She looked around. "Hey, where is Crono anyway?"

"We don't have time to look for him," Magus said. "He'll have to catch up with us."

"Do you know a guy named Vincent Valentine?" Hanpan asked Magus. "Or, better yet, are you Vincent Valentine?"

"That reminds me," Jane said, "we left Rudy back there waiting to go through the warp."

"Tough toasties," Marle said. "We have to hurry."

Spekkio passed through the main doors of the lab, and the others followed him outside into the now-fresh air of the future, in pursuit of the Chrono Trigger thief.

* * *

Crono walked into the first meeting of Laconics Anonymous and sat down between Rudy and Young Master from Suikoden. Crono waited for somebody to begin the meeting, but the room remained silent. He waited... and waited... but nobody said anything because none of them could talk.

* * *

Spekkio led the band into a field east of Lab 32, where some small green security robots were waiting. "Hey, guys, I need to chat with your boss," Spekkio said to the robots.

"You mean The Man?" one of the robots asked.

"Yeah, yeah, The Man," Spekkio said. "I need to talk to him. It's urgent."

"All right," another robot said. All four robots emitted a series of beeps and whistles, then stood still and waited.

"Who's The Man?" Cecilia asked.

"You'll see," Marle replied mysteriously.

A mostly-humanoid robot rolled over a hill and stopped by the robots. It stood up, causing the wheels underneath it to fold into a backpack, making it look completely human. "Yo," Johnny said.

"The Man!" all the robots cheered.

"You know me, right?" Spekkio said, getting down to business quickly. "I'm Spekkio, the Master of War. We need to borrow your jet bike to chase some guys who swiped the Chrono Trigger... right now."

"Dude, chill, okay?" Johnny said, adjusting his shades. "Take a bike... I'll race you."

"Race?" Robo said in his metallic voice. "Why... a race?"

"Racing rules," Johnny said. "And if you lose, yo' gotta do it again." Jane made a mental note to report Johnny's point to Vincent as the gang climbed into one of the jet bikes.

"Ayla want drive," Ayla said.

"How could you drive?" Spekkio said. Seeing nobody else volunteering, however, he consented. "Okay, fine, go ahead. But if you whiff, you're in deep doo-doo."

* * *

Johnny and the jet bike sped across the central ocean, leaving trails of water behind. They were constantly jockeying for position, with Johnny taking a slight lead over the Ayla-piloted jet bike.

The two vehicles approached a whirlpool. Johnny swerved around to get out of the way, but Ayla recklessly drove right at the whirlpool, not knowing what it was. "Approaching whirlpool at high velocity," Robo reported. "Advised course of action: Turn rapidly."

Ayla ignored Robo's advice -- or, more likely, didn't understand -- and drove right into the middle of the whirlpool. The jet bike was violently whipped around 180 degrees, causing Frog to lose his lunch. It spun three-quarters of the way around the whirlpool, then broke free and was launched ahead by the currents, throwing the bike far ahead of Johnny. Jack stood up in the bike and made a gesture of superiority in Johnny's direction.

The bikes approached the southern continent where Balthasar's lab and Death Peak were located. A loud noise caused Magus to look up. A stealth bomber had materialized out of nowhere in the sky, trailing the group from above.

Johnny surged forward in a last-ditch attempt to regain the lead. Ayla swerved the bike towards the closest point of land. The jet bike zipped onto the land, ahead of Johnny, but it was turning so sharply that it completely spun out. The bike's rear smashed into a tree and sparks flew out.

Johnny stopped on the shore and walked up to the dizzy party. "Hey!" he said. "You bust my bike, you pay!"

"Ayla sorry," Ayla said. "Ayla no mean break move rock."

"I just knew this was gonna happen," Spekkio muttered.

"Hey, look, over there," Jane said, pointing through the small thicket of trees. A number of individuals were climbing out of a sewer entrance. "Aren't those the guys you were talking about?"

Spekkio turned. "Yeah!" The Kilwala ran towards the band, shaking his fist. "Hand over the Chrono Trigger, villains!"

"Where do you think you're going?" Johnny shouted, running after Spekkio. "Get back here!"

Mayor Domino pointed his Mako Gun at Spekkio. "AVALANCHE sent you, I'll bet."

"AVALANCHE?" Spekkio scratched his furry head.

"Don't play games with me, bucko!" Domino said. "I know what you're up to!"

Jack rushed through the trees, waving his sword. He leaped at Domino, who shot Jack with his Mako Gun. The blast knocked Jack back onto the ground, but meanwhile, Hanpan had leaped into Domino's pocket and yanked out the Chrono Trigger. Domino did a double take, then leapt after Hanpan. Hanpan flew upwards and perched in a tree for safety.

The rest of the party arrived, accompanied by Johnny. "I still have 59 more monthly installments to pay on that bike," Johnny said to Spekkio. "I hope you're ready to pay for everything!" Jane made another mental note.

Spekkio glanced at the party. "Somebody get rid of Johnny," he said. Frog smacked the robot over his head with his Masamune and knocked him out.

"Oh yeah? Trying to get rid of me?" Johnny -- Domino's buddy Johnny, not the robot -- snarled. He fired his own Mako Gun at Frog.

A melee quickly ensued. Hanpan tried to fly away with the Chrono Trigger, but Domino spotted him. "Somebody stop that pet rat!" he shouted.

The area went silent. Dead silent. Hanpan froze in his flight and turned slowly around. "What did you call me?" he asked coldly.

"Er..." Domino said, knowing he'd made a mistake.

"I'M NOT A PET!" Hanpan yelled, hurling the Chrono Trigger at Domino. It bounced off Domino's head and into the air.

"I got it!" Marle yelled, jumping for the Chrono Trigger. She collided with Ramza and missed the catch. "I don't got it!"

"Hey, quit ripping off lines from my story, you AVALANCHE scumsuckers," Domino shouted.

Magus scooped up the Chrono Trigger as it fell, but Mukki plowed into him and knocked it out of his hand. Magus dropped to the ground, dazed (getting hit by Mukki will do that to you).

The Chrono Trigger hurtled through the air. "It's mine!" Alma said, leaping to catch it in the air. Just before she could grab it, another hand swiped down from above and snatched it away.

"No, it's mine!" the hand's owner said as the Talon sped overhead. It was Gorky. "Wu-Tai forever!"

The Talon cruised away, Chrono Trigger on board. "Hey! That's one of those Wutai guys," Butch said. "Let's get 'em!"

Domino's gang ran off in a futile chase against the stealth bomber-shaped Talon. "Well? Now what?" Lucca wondered.

"Are you kidding?" Marle replied. "We've got to follow them and get the Chrono Trigger back!"

"Velocity of time machine exceeds velocity of human travel on foot," Robo said. "Abort, retry, fail?"

"We know they're headed towards Death Peak," Spekkio said. "Let's hurry."

* * *

Crono stared around the Laconics Anonymous meeting. Present were Rudy, Alundra, Young Master, Ryu, himself, and a host of other speechless main characters. Speechless indeed, as it had been a whole hour and none of them had said a thing.

"This is pointless," Rudy said, using one of his sparsely-alloted lines of dialogue. "Let's go." The other characters mutely nodded their agreement.

* * *

Spekkio's party caught up with Domino on Death Peak. Domino, Ramza, and their friends were trying in vain to fight their way up through the strong winds that swirled around the mountain's base. "There's no way we can get up that," Johnny muttered.

"Hey, you," Marle said. "We know how to get up the peak. Truce?"

Domino's group went into a quick huddle. "There's no way we're getting up otherwise," Hart said. "And we've got to get the Chrono Trigger back so we can revive Tseng."

"Hey!" Ramza said. "You said we were going to use it to revive Teta!"

"Liar, liar, pants on fire!" Alma called. She cast Fire on Domino's pants, setting them alight.

"Waahaahoo!" Domino shouted. He leaped high into the air with flames and smoke trailing from his rear. Upon landing, he ran around in circles, screaming, and accidentally stumbled off a cliff. "Oh noooooo!" Domino cried as he tumbled out of sight.

Another Domino appeared where the other one had been standing before being burnt. "It's a-me, Domino!" Domino exclaimed.

"Screw those chumps," Jack advised Spekkio. "Let's move."

"All right," Spekkio said. "When the wind dies down, run to a tree and wait behind it for the wind to die down. Got that?"

Ignoring Spekkio's advice, Jack had already started up the slope. A sudden gust of wind send him tumbling back down, and he broke his crown. "Are you pondering what I'm pondering, Jack?" Hanpan said.

"I think so, Hanpan, but is there really a Guardian of Spaghetti Noodles?"

"No, stupid, I'm talking about Fast Draw," Hanpan said.

"Oh. Yeah." Jack took a circular swipe with his sword, churning up a wind. This wind blew in the opposite direction -- towards the mountain -- and the party was swept violently up the slope. They were whipped around several corners and dumped unceremoniously onto a frozen lake.

"Or you could do it that way, I suppose," Spekkio said.

"That was cool," Jack said. "I'll call it 'Winds of Change'."

"Thinkest thou that next time thee could give a warning when thee planneth to do that?" Frog asked.

"What's he saying?" Jack asked Hanpan.

"He said 'I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!'" Hanpan answered. "Or maybe not."

Ayla looked up at the road ahead. "Too high," she said. "Ayla friend no get high 'nuff."

"I could try the wind thing again," Jack suggested.

"No thanks," Magus replied.

"May I be of assistance?" a metallic voice said. A pink robot with a blue bow strode out of the cave on Death Peak. It was Atropos. "I came to retrieve the Chrono Trigger myself, but I can offer you a boost."

"Atropos!" Lucca said, recognizing the robot.

Atropos strode over next to the cliff. "All right, climb onto my shoulders," she said. Marle did so, then pulled herself up onto the cliff above. The others did the same, Spekkio receiving a little assistance from Robo.

"Thanks, Atropos," Lucca called down.

"The peak beeth just ahead," Frog said. "Let us make haste."

* * *

Chekhov piloted the stolen Talon time machine towards Death Peak. Behind her, Gorky clutched the Chrono Trigger and the Resident Evil Licker action figure that they needed to revive Yuffie. Shake was in one of the side rooms, giggling about the name "Flushex".

"I bet most of the people reading this story haven't even played SaGa 3," Gorky said.

"Tough," Chekhov said. She circled Death Peak, looking for a good landing spot. "There's a flat space, right there at the peak."

"Shake, get in here!" Gorky called. The young martial artist hurried into the Talon's control room.

"All right," Shake said. "Beam us down, Chekky."

* * *

"This is it," Ramza said, folding his arms. "I'm not helping you chumps anymore."

"But we're both on the same side!" Hart protested.

"I don't trust you," Ramza said. "I want to do things my own way. Come on, Alma."

Ramza and Alma walked away from the mountain, leaving an angry Domino. "One of these days you're all going to be sorry!" Domino shouted. "I'm going to get what I deserve and you're all going to pay!"

"Hey, Tortellini, don't have an ulcer," Johnny said. "I overheard that furry thing saying how to get up the peak. Here's what we do..."

* * *

Spekkio's party rounded a bend and arrived at the peak of Death Peak, containing a lone, withering, tree. Overhead lay a night sky, the moon... and the Talon. "Man, my finger is sore," Jane said.

"Your finger's sore? Why?" Cecilia asked.

"From hitting the Square button over and over to stay warm," Jane explained. "It's cold up here!"

Three blue beams shot down from the Talon and into the snow. In the beams appeared Shake, Gorky, and Chekhov. Gorky was carrying a plastic Licker figure and the Chrono Trigger. "What are you up to?" Jack demanded of them.

Shake stepped forward. "Duh! We're trying to revive Yuffie, stupid. We need a lead singer for our rap group the Wu-Tai Clan."

"No!" Cecilia shouted. "You can't do that!"

"Wanna bet?"

Gorky turned and ran towards the tree. Jack quickly used his Vaccuum Fast Draw to suck him back across the snowy peak, then followed it up with a Slash Rave. Shake and Chekhov rushed to Gorky's aid. "It's morphin' time!" Chekhov declared. "Magic Change!" Chekhov transformed into a four-armed creature.

"Speed Change!" Shake changed into a penguin. Meanwhile, Gorky made for the tree again.

Magus slashed at Chekov with his scythe while Robo punched out Shake. Chekhov cast a paralysis spell on Magus, but Marle clubbed her unconscious with the butt end of her crossbow. However, while the party was occupied with them, Gorky had reached the tree.

Gorky hurled the Chrono Trigger up into the air. It dissolved into a cluster of stars, which then formed into a Time Gate over the tree. Gorky was quickly sucked inside. "Let's go after him," Lucca said, running towards the tree. Just as she reached the tree, Gorky leaped back out and landed on his knees in the snow. The Licker figure in his arms was gone.

"Power Change!" Gorky said, transforming into a red wyvern. He immediately cast Barrier on himself.

Lucca blasted at Gorky with her Wondershot, but the shells ricocheted off Gorky's Barrier. One of the shells whizzed over Ayla's head, just barely missing her. "Here, try this," Jane said, tossing her flamethrower to Lucca. Lucca caught it, and just as she raised it to fire, the sky went dark.

The Time Gate in the sky closed, releasing another cluster of stars. These stars descended to the ground, gathered, and formed into... Yuffie. "I'm baaack!" Yuffie said.

"Oh oh," Hanpan said.

Yuffie quickly leaped at the party and attacked them with Doom of the Living, hitting Jack, Marle, and Cecilia. Frog swiped at her with the Masamune, but Yuffie had already hopped back to the other side of the peak, where Gorky cast a Barrier spell on her.

Domino, Hart, Butch, Johnny, and Mukki came running around the bend in the trail that led to the peak. "Yuffie!" Domino shouted, seeing the Wutaian ninja.

Yuffie prepared to use an All Creation. Suddenly, another Time Gate opened up in the middle of the peak and out stepped Rudy and Crono, back from their Laconics Anonymous meeting.

Lucca ducked under Gorky's swiping claws. "Crono!" she said. "Where were you?"

Crono said nothing, but started miming being trapped in an invisible box.

Rudy looked around. "What? Yuffie? What's going on here?"

"Never mind that, help us out!" Jane replied. She sprayed bullets from her uzi at Yuffie and Gorky to no avail -- the pair was still protected by their Barrier spells.

Domino pushed his way through Spekkio's party. "You killed Tseng!" he said to Yuffie. "And Aerith, too."

Crono mimed looking for a contact lens.

"Gawd, I didn't kill them," Yuffie said. "Why does everybody blame everything on me?"

"Um... maybe because everything is your fault?" Hanpan suggested.

"I've had it with you and your twitty friends!" Domino continued. He started to fire his Mako Gun at Yuffie. Since the Mako blasts were a magical attack, they were able to pierce Yuffie's Barrier spell. Crono immediately mimed Domino's attack, producing a Mako Gun from nowhere and shooting at Yuffie as well.

"Hey! Stop shooting me," Yuffie whined.

"There's too many of them, Yuffie," Gorky said. "We're going to have to hit the road." He reverted to his normal form and whipped a remote control out of his kimono. Gorky pressed a button it and four blue beams came down from the Talon, transporting Gorky, Yuffie, and the unconscious Shake and Chekhov up into the aircraft.

"Bad guys get 'way," Ayla observed.

Spekkio turned to face Domino. "Yo," he said. "Do you wanna settle for binding arbitration, or are we going to take this outside?"

"We're already outside," Jane pointed out.

Domino looked at companions. None of them appeared in the mood for a fight. "All right," Domino said. "I'll let you AVALANCHE dumb-dumb heads get away this time." He and his troop descended the mountain the way the came.

"I don't think we were the ones that got away," Lucca said.

"Dumb-dumb heads?" Magus questioned.

Crono gestured mutely at the Time Gate. "I think he's saying that we're supposed to go through the Time Gate," Marle guessed.

The group trooped inside and the Gate closed. They hurtled briefly down a warping purple tunnel, then emerged in the Ends of Time.

"We're back," Marle said. She sat down on the cobbled floor of the Ends of Time. "Well, that was an interesting little adventure."

Crono mimed petting a cat.

"Oh yeah, that's right," Marle said. "We need to find your cats." She turned to Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, and Jane. "We'd better get going." The Chrono Trigger characters -- minus Spekkio, of course -- walked to the steps where the Epoch was parked and climbed inside. Just as the Epoch was about to take off, Lucca climbed back out and hurried back up the steps.

"Almost forget," Lucca said, giving Jane her flamethrower back.

Suddenly, a massive Time Gate opened up overhead and out dropped Flea, riding atop a metallic Tyrano. The robotic creature was painted a shiny, menacing, white. On its sides were Umbrella's logo. "Umbrella," Jack observed. He looked up at Flea. "How did you get here?"

"We have our ways," Flea said. He/she flipped a lever on the back of the Tyrano's neck. The Tyrano opened its mouth, roared, and released a massive laser into the ground. The blue beam cut a massive hole completely through the floor of the Ends of Time. The Tyrano's head swerved back and forh, enlargening the gap.

From the other side of the Ends of Time came the sound of engines starting as the Epoch initiated flight. "Hey, wait for me!" Lucca shouted. She looked helplessly around as the Tyrano's beam carved through her escape route.

The two halves of the Ends of Time broke apart with a loud snap. One one half, the side with all the Time Gates, stood Spekkio, Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, and Lucca. On the other, which contained the lamppost, Spekkio's room, and the Epoch dock, sat Flea and his/her Tyrano.

Rudy fired the Nimbus Shot at the Tyrano's head, whittling away at the structure of the robotic dinosaur. Flea leaped down from the Tyrano and used Waltz of the Wind on Jack. Unable to control himself, Jack started slashing at his friends. Cecilia quickly clubbed him over the head with her staff and knocked him out.

Spekkio cast Luminaire on the Tyrano and Flea, damaging both. The Tyrano retaliated with a breath of fire. Spekkio abandoned the battle and sat down to play the game.

The lid of the trash can wiggled, then flipped off. Wedge poked his head through and looked around. He hopped out of the trash can, followed as always by Vicks.

"Who are you?" Flea said. He/she leaped back onto the Tyrano and pressed another button, shooting bolts of electricity at the pair. Both were hit, but seemed unaffected.

Vicks loaded a shell into the bazooka he was carrying. Flea and the Tyrano charged towards him and Wedge. The Tyrano rammed both and skewered them on its horns. "Ha ha, you can't hurt us," Vicks said. "We don't die in Chrono Trigger." He slid off the Tyrano's horn and hopped to the ground, completely unharmed.

The Tyrano's foot smashed down on Vicks, flattening him into roadkill. But as soon as the metallic foot lifted again, Vicks popped back to normal. He raised his bazooka and fired. The Tyrano exploded, throwing Flea off its back and out over the railing. He/she disappeared into the mists surrounding the Ends.

"Oh my God, Wedge and Vicks killed them!" Hanpan exclaimed.

Wedge waved at the party, then he and Vicks jumped on to the trash can. They squatted down, producing a weird gulping sound as they descended into the the trash can.

"Thanks, guys!" Cecilia called.

Wedge's head poked back out of the trash can. "Hey, no problem," he said. "We like Chrono Trigger." Then he disappeared again.

During the battle, the two halves of the Ends of Time had slowly drifted further and further apart. "Now what am I gonna do?" Lucca said, surveying the situation. "We're screwed."

"Who are these Umbrella people?" Spekkio demanded indignantly. "How dare they do this to me, the Master of War?"

"You could be the Master of Warts for all they care," Jack said, having regained consciousness. "They have more money than Bill Gates has seen in his entire life, if you can believe that."

"Something tells me that you're currently involved in some sort of quest to overthrow them," Spekkio guessed.

"That would be correct," Rudy replied.

"I thought so. Well, seeing as I'm kind of trapped, as I might as well come with you. After all, you did beat Bangle Fred, and how can bad can this all be?"

"You have NO idea," Jane said, then after a moment's thought, added, "And it's Angol Fred."

"Uh, yeah, me too," Lucca volunteered.

Spekkio paused to think. "I'll bring some help from our last adventure. Ipso facto, carpe diem... MAGICO!"

A carp wriggled out of Lucca's hat and looked around apprehensively. "Damn, wrong spell," Spekkio said. "Let me try that again. Ipso facto, caseus vobiscum... MAGICO!"

The carp vanished and Kefka appeared. "Huh? Where am I?" Kefka said. "This sucks."

"Kefka, we need your help to overthrow the evil Umbrella Corporation," Rudy explained.

"Do I get to kill anybody?"

"Um, I guess so."

"Ok."

Spekkio scratched his furry head. "Where are we headed?"

"To the FF7 world," Rudy said. "Justine, I'd wish they'd give these planets names."

Spekkio pointed at one of the pillars of lights. "Then we want that gate." He hopped into the pillar and disappeared through a Time Gate. The others followed.

Next chapter: To Infinity and Beyond