First there was Zeromus... then Kefka... and Sephiroth... but nothing has prepared the universe for the evil that is YUFFIE!
"We need another submarine," Red XIII said calmly.
"But where are we gonna get one?" Jane asked.
"Emma?" Cecilia suggested.
"The Protowing's totalled, remember?" Jane said. "We can't get back to Filgaia."
"I can have it all @#$in' fixed up," Cid said. "You youngsters just leave it to me."
* * *
Bartholomew and one of his crew members descended below deck on the Sweet Candy. "I thought I heard somebody shouting down here," the sailor said. "It sounded like 'Help!'"
Bartholomew looked around the hall and checked each of the rooms. "I don't see anything," he said. He and the sailor went back above deck. Zed called desperately after them, but neither of them heard him.
* * *
"It looks brand @#@#in' new," Cid said, staring at the Protowing.
"Thanks," Rudy said. "We won't take too long." He, Jack, Cecilia, Emiko, and Jane climbed in the vehicle and took off back to Filgaia. They landed the Protowing at Adlehyde and went in to talk to Emma.
"A submarine?" Emma asked. "That doesn't sound too difficult, not for someone like me. I'll get right to work. You, mousey, give me a hand."
* * *
The next day, Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, Emiko, and Jane filed into Emma's secret laboratory. "Here we are," Emma said.
"That looks like the Protowing to me," Jack said.
"Of course it is," Hanpan said to him. "We've turned it into a combination submarine and airplane. Now you can fly it back to Midgar and chase Yuffie. It wouldn't do to have a submarine that couldn't get off Filgaia, would it?"
"All right, all right, don't rub it in," Jack said.
* * *
The Protowing arrived back at Midgar City. Rudy and the group got out. Rufus's party was waiting for them. "Back already?" Pesmerga asked.
"We've got a new submarine," Emiko said. "Right here."
"Good, let's go fold, spindle, and mutilate Yuffie," Cait Sith said. "I never liked her anyways."
The whole group -- Rudy, Jack, Cecilia, Jane, Emiko, Pesmerga, Rufus, Cloud, Barret, Tifa, Cait Sith and his moogle, Red XIII, Cid, and Vincent -- climbed into the Protowing, which had a remarkable seating capacity. Rudy took the controls and flew the Protowing out over the water. He slowly descended until he was as close to the water as possible, then pushed a big red button on the Protowing's control panel. The wings of the Protowing folded in as it descended into the water. A periscope emerged from the top of the vehicle and the back fins opened up to reveal propellers.
"I have to go to the bathroom," Cait Sith complained.
"You should have taken care of that before we left," Red XIII said.
The Protowing-sub dived further down into the ocean. "Where do you suppose Yuffie's gone?" Cloud wondered aloud.
A turtle swam up next to the sub and landed on the windshield. It crawled up and down on the windshield in front of Rudy. When Rudy looked at it, the turtle started crawling in elaborate patterns.
"It's spelling something out," Red XIII said.
"LET... ME... IN..." Rudy read. "That's some turtle!"
"Pretty @#~!in' impressive," Cid agreed.
"Do you think we should let in it?" Pesmerga asked.
Barret shrugged. "What harm can it do?" He went to the airlock and opened the door. The turtle quickly swam inside the submarine and Barret slid the door shut again.
"Thanks for letting me in," the turtle said. "I'm lost."
"You can talk?" Barret was shocked.
"What is it with you people?" Hanpan asked. "Every time something other than a human talks, you all say 'You can talk?'."
"I know what you mean," Red XIII agreed.
"I'm Sage Ghido," the turtle greeted them. "I got sucked into the mu, but I managed to escape. Unfortunately, I don't have the slighest clue where I am."
"I'm sorry to hear," Tifa said. "We could get you a little tank, if you'd like. How about some turtle food?"
"Why, thank you," Ghido said. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Have you ever heard of anyone named Yuffie Kisaragi?" Rufus asked.
"Yuffie? I ordered something once from her mail-order video game store, Yuffie Cave, once. Boy, was that ever a mistake. Why do you ask?"
"She's stolen our Underwater Breath Materia," Rufus replied. "We're trying to get it back."
"More power to you," Ghido said. "You know, now that I think about it, I think Yuffie Cave's headquarters was located underwater somewhere."
"That's probably where she is right now," Emiko said. "There can't be that many underwater caves. Let's start looking."
The group started combing the ocean floor in the sub, making slow passes back and forth across the sea bottom. They closely examined every outcropping of rock, but found nothing. Eventually, as they were passing near the legs of the chocobo continent, Cecilia broke the silence. "There's a cave," she said, pointing at a rounded fracture on the side of an underwater ravine.
Rudy piloted the sub into the ravine for a closer look. Indeed, it was a cave. He drove the sub as close as he could to the cave. Just visible inside the gloomy opening was a heavy steel door. "That's got to be it," Vincent agreed.
The party put on diving suits to exit the submarine. Emma had even provided a tiny, rat-sized, suit for Hanpan. Cait Sith had to leave his moogle behind, however, as it was too big to fit into a diving suit. Jane also grabbed the Harpoon Gun ARM sitting in the closet. Cloud slid open the submarine door and the group swam out and into the the mouth of the cave.
Red XIII knocked on the steel door blocking the cave. There was no response. "Don't worry," Jane said. "I have the special key." She swam back to the sub and returned pushing a huge bomb that was bigger than she was. "Stand back," she cautioned. Jane rolled the bomb up alongside the door and then swam a safe distance back. Cautiously, she fired at the bomb with her Harpoon Gun ARM. The bomb exploded brilliantly, destroying not only the door but carving a large crater into the side of the ravine as well. Water rushed into the cave mouth. "Bombs are beautiful," Jane said, pleased with her work.
The group swam into the cave, which was rapidly flooding. "What's going on out there?" Yuffie asked, running up to the entrance from further inside the cave. "YOU!" she exclaimed, seeing the party.
"Hand over the Underwater Breath Materia," Rufus said, pointing his shotgun at Yuffie.
"No way," Yuffie said. She looked back into Yuffie Cave. "You've ruined all my merchandise!" she complained.
"Tough," Rufus said. "Now give me the Materia or you'll suffer a similar fate."
"No," Yuffie said adamantly. She retreated a few steps into the cave and picked up the Conformer.
"Surely you're not doing to fight against all of us, are you?" Rufus said, gesturing towards the rest of the party.
"Of course I am," Yuffie said. "And stop calling me Shirley."
"We'll buy it from you," Vincent offered.
"Shut up, Vincent," Rufus snapped.
"Okay," Yuffie agreed. "I'll sell it for, say, 20 million gil."
"20 million gil?" Rufus yelled. "Are you insane?"
"I think we know the answer to that question," Jack said.
"That's got to be at least three times what it's actually worth!" Rufus shouted, waving his shotgun at Yuffie. "I'm not going any higher than 10 million."
"It's on sale, actually. It's a 40 million gil value. But the customers are always the first priority at Yuffie Cave," Yuffie mused. "We'll comprise. 19 million gil."
"15 million," Rufus countered.
"Nineteen," Yuffie said.
"Fifteen!"
"Nineteen!"
"Fifteen!"
"Nineteen!"
"Fifteen!"
"Nineteen!"
"Nineteen!" Rufus said.
"Fifteen!" Yuffie said.
"Deal!" Rufus exclaimed, grabbing Yuffie's hand and shaking it. He then carefully wiped it on his diving suit.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Yuffie said. "You tricked me!"
"My condolences," Rufus said sarcastically. "I'm terribly, terribly, sorry. Fifteen million gil it is."
"Well.... okay," Yuffie said. "I'll ship it to Midgar by overnight delivery. Oh, and take a free Yuffie Cave catalog with you." Yuffie shoved a catalog into Rufus's hand and darted back into the cave.
The characters returned to the submarine. "Let's hope she follows through on that," Tifa said.
Rufus idly examined the catalog Yuffie had given him as the submarine headed back to Midgar. "Look at this, she's selling a Flame Materia for 200,000 gil. The catalog makes it sound like it's one of the best Materia there is."
* * *
A week later...
Rufus watched from his office as a delivery truck pulled up to the Shinra Building. "That better be the Materia," he muttered as a Shinra flunkie went down to pick up the package. Indeed it was. Rufus quickly tore open the box from Yuffie Cave. He removed the styrofoam peanuts and bubble wrap and took out the Materia Orb inside.
It was broken.
"That does it!" Rufus shouted, throwing the box down on the floor in frusteration. "Yuffie must die!"
"Tar and feather her!" Reno suggested.
"Crucify her!" Elena said.
"Make her watch synchronized swimming!" Rude said.
"Even I wouldn't go that far," Rufus said.
The door to Rufus's office and Sephiroth entered. "Sephiroth!" Rufus shouted, reaching for his shotgun.
"Put that down," Sephiroth said, pointing the Masamune at Rufus's shotgun. "Despite my better judgment, I'm not going to hurt you."
Rufus warily put down his shotgun. "Very good," Seph said. "Now, it seems to me you have a broken Materia."
"Thank you so much for pointing that out," Rufus said. "I wouldn't have noticed."
Sephiroth ignored that. "I'll fix it for you if you'll do me a favor."
"What's that?"
"It's something you do for somebody to be nice or helpful."
"No, what's the favor?"
"I want buy Junon from you," Sephiroth said.
"What?" Rufus exclaimed. "Junon? Why?"
"I want to turn it into a theme park," Sephiroth said simply, folding his arms.
"You want to do WHAT?" Rufus said incredulously.
"Jenova World," Sephiroth explained excitedly. "The Seph-iest place on Earth! Where a genetic experiment can be a genetic experiment! I've got it all planned out. There's a roller coaster ride through a Makou reactor, souvenier stands that sell Hojo's 100% Pure Makou Juice, and shooting galleries where you shoot at little models of that loser Cloud. And the Underwater Reactor will make a great ride, too."
"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," Rufus said.
"So you're not interested?" Sephiroth asked, disappointed.
"Of course not," Rufus said. "I don't trust you, Sephiroth."
"The feelings are mutual."
"Enough with the snide comments," Rufus said. "Are you going to fix the Materia or not?"
"If you'll sell me Junon, it's a deal," Seph said.
"Absolutely out of the question," Rufus said, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms.
"I'm disappointed in you, Rufus."
"Are you under the mistaken impression that I care?"
"Sir!" a Shinra soldier burst into the room, out of breath. "Aerith's troops have surrounded the city!"
| Next chapter: The Chocobo That Ate Midgar |