Wedge plugged the cyberspace jack in and entered the access code that Palmer had given them. "ACCESS GRANTED," the monitor read. Wedge took off his standard Imperial helmet, put the cyberspace jack on, and clicked OK.
There was a loud screeching sound from the computer. Wedge started to glow a faint blue as the cyberspace jack took effect. Then suddenly the glow disappeared and Wedge fell back in his chair. A message appeared on the monitor. "This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. If the problem persists, contact the program vendor."
"Wedge? Wedge? Are you okay?" Vicks asked, waving his hand in front of his friend's face. There was no response.
"He's dead, Jim," Spekkio reported.
"This whole dying thing is really starting to annoy me," Vicks said.
"Stupid @#!^$%& computer!" Cid swore, kicking the computer. A spray of sparks came out of the monitor. Cid bashed the computer with his spear, this time causing a much larger spray of sparks. Electricity jumped through the computer, which then exploded. A pale blue rift expanded from the explosion and sucked the whole party in.
Hanpan looked around. They were standing on a wide plain, with a few hills, extending as far as they could see. The plain was glowing a faint blue-green-purple color, and the sky was a hazy dark blue. "This must be Cyberspace," he said.
"This could take a while," Aerith said, scanning the horizon for any points of interest.
"Let's look for some signs of civilization," Emiko said. "Angol Fred has his greatest strength in populated areas."
"In Cyberspace, you might be looking for a while," Red XIII said wryly.
* * *
Several hours later, they arrived at the outskirts of a large, futuristic-looking, city. "Well, now where do we go?" Pesmerga asked.
"Let's find a tavern or someplace," Rufus said. "We might be able to pick up some information on Angol Fred."
"Oooh!" Cait Sith, pointing at a Chocobucks down the street. "How about an espresso joint? Besides, I need some sugar. Keeps me hyper."
"Oh, that's just what we need," Rufus said sarcastically.
They entered the Chocobucks and looked around. A ruddy-brown demon with horns and large black bat wings that was wearing a blue suit and hat sat alone a table, drinking some Java. "Hey you!" Cait Sith shouted at him, hopping down off his moogle and trotting across to the table. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"
Without waiting for a reply, Cait Sith climbed into a chair across the table from the demon. "Hi, I'm Cait Sith. I'm an Esper. What's your name?"
"Rupert," the demon said. "I'm a mailer-daemon."
"Really?" Cait Sith asked. "That sounds interesting."
"Not really," Rupert said. "All I do is run around hauling e-mail for people and shouting 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL.' If it wasn't for Angol Fred, I might go postal."
Cait Sith glanced quickly at the others. "Who's Angol Fred?" he asked Rupert.
"You've never heard of him?" Rupert asked. "You must not be from around here. He's the King of False Rumors. He likes to send out lots of Spam... he must have some promotion deal with Hormel or something. Anyway, sometimes people will get mad at him for sending them all that spam, so then he pays us mailer-daemons big money to send them firebombs -- you know, flame them."
While Rupert was talking, Cait Sith noticed a bill sitting on the ground. He picked it up and looked at it. It was cyber-money, and according to the bill, was "legal tender for all class members, public and private."
"So where's Angol Fred live?" Cait Sith asked.
"Oh, he lives in a cave in the hills to the north," Rupert said. "But you might have a hard time seeing him. He has a firewall around the cave, you see."
"Okay, that's it!" Cait Sith snapped, standing up. "This cyberspace bit has gone too far!"
Rudy and the others, who were standing in the doorway, quickly jumped to the sides as a group of camouflagued Wintel Dynasty soldiers burst through the doorway, armed with machine guns. "Oh no!" Rupert cried. "The Inquisition!"
"Everybody stand up and put your hands in the air!" one of the soldiers barked. "We've received reports of Java in here. You all know that using a non-Wintel product is a crime against the state. Resistance is futile. Prepare to be assimiliated."
The Inquistion troopers opened fire on the Chocobucks. Patrons tried to flee by jumping through windows, but found more Inquisition soldiers waiting for them. Kefka fired the Light of Judgment at the soldiers, incinerating them.
Meanwhile, Jane jumped on a table was using her Chainsaw ARM to cut a hole in the ceiling. More Inquisition troopers raced into the Chocobucks, keeping up a steady stream of fire. Vicks was shot in the head and crumpled to the ground.
"They've killed Vicks!" Aerith exclaimed.
"It was inevitable," Spekkio said. "Don't worry, he'll be back, if only so he can get killed again."
"Quick!" Jane shouted as she removed a chunk of ceiling. "Through the ceiling!" They climbed up through the newly-made exit and up onto the roof of the Chocobucks.
"Now where?" Mog asked. The building was surrounded by Inquisition soldiers and armored cars.
"I'm still thinking about that one," Jane said.
There was a shout from on the of the soldiers. The soldiers turned and ran away from the building. A group of figures ran out of an alleyway and started fighting the Inquistion.
"Come on, now's our chance!" Jack shouted. They slid down from the roof of the building and ran in the opposite direction from the Inquistion.
The Inquisition forces were routed by the oncoming group. "Hey... guys! Wait up!" a voice shouted.
Rufus turned. Running towards them were the Turks, Yuber, Kuromimi, Stallion, Hanzo, Cids VI and IV, Cloud, Tifa, Vincent, Barret, Relm, Edgar, and Zed. "Zed? Kuromimi? Cloud? What are you people all doing here?" Rudy asked, surprised.
"We heard Yuffie was still alive, so we came to investigate," Rude explained.
"I owe you guys one for saving me from Angol Fred's control," Yuber said.
"With me on your side, Angol Fred will be more black and blue than a macaw in an ink factory!" Zed said.
"One Cid for all Cids, all Cids for one Cid!" Cid VI said triumphantly.
"Shut the @#@! up, you raincoat-wearing phony," Cid VII snapped.
"Thanks for your help," Rudy said gratefully. "All of you. We've got to stop Angol Fred."
"We'll secure the portal back to the real world," Cloud said. He turned to his group. "Shall we be off?"
"He did it again," Cid VII muttered as the other group headed off. "@#$#."
Rudy's group headed to the parking lot behind the Chocobucks, where several modem-shaped cars were parked. "Do your thing, Hanpan," Jack said.
Hanpan wriggled through the tailpipe of one of the cars and up into the car's interior. He then pushed his way out through a ventiliation grille into the body of the car. Hanpan unlocked the doors, then flew outside and repeated the process on several more cars.
"I think you owe me overtime pay," he said when his job was complete.
"We can discuss that later," Jack said as Jane hot-wired the cars. They piled in.
Cait Sith found himself sitting in the front seat of a modem-car next to Rufus, who was driving. Red XIII took up the whole back seat. "Hey, Rufus," Cait Sith said as he got off his moogle and into a child-safety seat. "I guess this makes you a modem driver, huh?"
"Just shut up," Rufus said as he started the car. The group drove out of the city and headed north to the hills. They circled around the hills until they located a small rocky opening in the side.
"Is this it?" Hanpan wondered as they climbed out of their modem-cars.
Rudy looked inside and immediately jumped back as flames lept out towards him. The narrow tunnel inside the cave was blocked off by a massive wall of crackling flames. "It's gotta be it," he reported. "There's the firewall that the daemon talked about."
Cecilia ran back to the modem-car, grabbing the Magic Vase, and returned. She began to pour an endless cascade of water out of the vase until the fire was quenched.
Forced into single-file, the party slowly advanced into the cave, their weapons at the ready. The passage turned several corners and descended a gradual incline, growing steadily dimmer. As they turned around the fourth turn, they found themselves facing a bright light at the end of the tunnel.
They cautiously advanced towards the light, which was coming from a chamber at the end of the tunnel. As they passed into the chamber, they fanned into a larger group.
The room was a circular cave with a high ceiling. The ceiling was covered with stalactites; the floor was broken up by bubbling pools of Spam. Kneeling by a pool and stirring the Spam was none other than Angol Fred himself, wearing the Guardian Amulet around his neck.
Angol Fred looked up as they entered. "Well, well, well," he chuckled. "I've been waiting for you. You're just in time to witness the opening of the Promised Land of Yuf!"
"You can't do that," Emiko said defiantly. "We've got all three gems. The Guardian Amulet is useless."
Angol Fred laughed and stood up. "Fools! Your battle with Yuffie between the dimensions generated more than enough energy to complete the process. I am inveeeeencible!"
"Oops," Jack said.
"Now you will see, hear, and feel my power!" Angol Fred laughed, raising his hands. "Spam Wave!"
The Spam pools began to bubble and a vast tide of Spam rose out of them. Angol Fred flew into the air on his dark blue wings and watched as a seven-foot wave of Spam built up over the pools.
The Spam wave began rolling towards the party. "Do something, kupo!" Mog urged. Rudy fired the Arch Smash at the Spam, but there was no effect. Jack cast Heaven's Flare, but the wave of fire dissolved when it touched the Spam. Sephiroth tried Meteo, but the meteors only caused minor ripples on the Spam.
"What can we do?" Rudy asked desperately.
"There's only one person who can save us now!" Spekkio said.
"PEPSIMAAAAAAAAAN!!!" The wall of the cave collapsed as a tidal wave broke through, with Pepsiman surfing on. Wordlessly, Pepsiman hopped off his surfboard and smashed the Spam into pieces with his metallic hands.
"No! Pepsiman!" Angol Fred cried.
"We've been saved by the cool, refreshing, taste of Pepsi!" Rudy exulted.
Pepsiman shot a blast of Pepsi at Angol Fred, who was still flying over the Spam. The impact knocked Angol Fred sideways. He spun around several times and then plummeted towards the ground. With a sickening gurgling sound, he crashed through the ground and was absorbed into the semi-liquid Spam veins below. The Guardian Amulet floated up to the surface.
Emiko took the Amulet and affixed the three gems to it. There was a flash of rainbow light that illuminated the whole cave. "At last!" he said triumphantly, holding the Amulet over his head. "The Amulet is complete!"
"We did it!" Spekkio said. "We beat Bangle Fred!"
"Angol Fred," Jane said.
"Sorry."
"It's over, then," Cecilia said, exhausted by the whole journey.
"I don't think so!" a voice shouted from above. The ceiling of the cave began to crumble. The entire floor of the cave began to rise until it through the passage created by the collapsing ceiling. The floor broke through the surface and stopped rising at ground level.
Rudy blinked in the sudden light and looked around. "Up, here, idiots," the same voice said. Rudy looked up. Hovering over them was a winged angel version of Yuffie.
"Yuffie!" Red XIII exclaimed.
"Ha ha ha!" Yuffie laughed. "Angol Fred might be defeated, but you'll never stop me! I have now evolved into my ultimate state, Yuffie*SYNTHESIS!"
"Give it up!" Jane shouted. "When was the last time you played a game where the bad guys won?"
"How 'bout getting something original?" Kefka asked Yuffie. "I came up with that ages ago!"
"What are you talking about?" Sephiroth asked angrily. "That was MY idea!"
"No way! It was mine!"
"See this?" Sephiroth asked, producing a piece of paper. "This is my patent! It's mine!"
"Oh yeah?" Kefka asked. "Why don't you just take your stupid patent and stuff it where the sun don't shine? You're just some cheapy third-rate villain! Nobody can top me!"
"Calling me names, eh?" Sephiroth asked. "Well, take this!" He smacked Kefka in the forehead with the side of his sword.
"RUFUS! Sephiroth hit me!" Kefka complained.
"He called me names!" Sephiroth retorted.
Meanwhile, Yuffie was preparing a spell. "Behold!" she shouted. "The opening of the Promised Land of Yuf!" Yuffie raised her both hands and shouted some arcane word that sounded to Rudy like "Bodabow!"
A huge rift started to open up in the sky in front of Yuffie. "Now look upon the dread landscape of a land of pure Yuf energy, pathetic mortals!" Yuffie laughed.
Hanpan stared through the rift at the Promised Land of Yuf as the rift continued to widen. "Evermore!?" he said, startled.
"Mwah ha ha!" Yuffie cackled. "Yes! Come, my minions!"
The kid from Secret of Evermore, his dog, and Benjamin from Mystic Quest leapt through the rift. "Now I know how Big Tiny felt in Big Tiny and the Tarbaby of Doom," the kid observed.
"SHUT UP!" Rufus shouted. "Nobody thinks you're funny, so just SHUT UP!"
"My, how many times I have heard this," Cait Sith said.
Snarling, Red XIII leaped at the dog and clawed at it. The dog retaliated, biting at Red XIII's leg. Red XIII bit the dog's tail and clawed at its chest. The dog snapped back, tearing at Red's chest, but Red XIII clawed the dog in its neck and killed it.
Meanwhile, Pesmerga charged at Benjamin and swung his sword down with two hands over his head. Benjamin dodged to the side. "Now, let's see.." Benjamin said, confused. "To fight, I... uh -"
"Like this!" Pesmerga said, knocking Benjamin's sword from his hands with a swing of the Stingray Sword.
"Cruis'n USA wasn't this hard," Benjamin complained.
"You're so stupid, if you threw a rock at the ground, you'd miss," Pesmerga said, running Benjamin through with his sword.
The kid from Evermore started to mix an alchemy spell. "This is a lot tougher than my old chemistry set," he noted.
"That's it!" Rufus roared. "I can't take it anymore!! All these people trying to be funny or singing stupid songs! I've had enough! DIE!!" He fired his shotgun repeatedly at the kid and gunned him down. Cait Sith wisely hid behind a rock.
"Okay, time for the next wave," Yuffie*SYNTHESIS said. "Fire Eyes! Professor Ruffleberg!"
Jack blasted Fire Eyes and Ruffleberg with a Heaven's Flare, incinerating them. "We'll never be able to stop her unless we close that portal somehow!" Sabin shouted.
Hanpan looked around for an answer. Yuffie was hovering over the rift to Evermore, and the party was surrounding her with their weapons drawn... all except for two. "I am rubber, you are glue, everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you," Kefka was saying to Sephiroth.
"Kefka! Sephiroth!" Hanpan shouted, pointing at the portal. "There's a whole world of annoying people for you to kill in there! Go! Go!"
"Uwee hee hee!" Kefka laughed as he jumped through the portal. "This'll be fun!" Silently, Sephiroth followed him. The pair used Meteo and the Light of Judgment to destroy Evermore city by city.
"Okay, now it's time to play hardball," Yuffie said, removing a Materia that was placed in her Conformer. "I didn't collect Materia for all these years for nothing."
"I thought you wanted them for to help Wutai," Red XIII said.
"Ha!" Yuffie snorted. "They were to open the way to the Promised Land! All I want is power! I am Jenova's heir! I will not be stopped... not when I have this!" Yuffie held up the red Materia she had removed. "This is the Spice Girls call spell!"
"NO!!!!!" Emiko shouted. "If she uses that, it could mean the end of the world as we know it!"
"No fair!" Cait Sith said. "I always wanted to say that!"
Jane pointed her Hand Cannon ARM at the Materia and fired.
The Materia shattered.
"NO!" Yuffie shrieked. "You can't do that! You'll pay for this!" She swooped down, the Conformer raised.
Time seemed to slow, either as a result of an impending disaster or the folks over in the special effects department. Rudy leaped towards Yuffie, but saw that he could not arrive in time. He reached into his vest and produced the Death Song ARM that he had received long ago in the Elw Castle. He braced himself for the imminent cacophony, held the ARM out towards Yuffie, and flipped the switch.
John Tesh music began wafting through the Death Song's speakers. Yuffie screeched, halted her attack, and fell to the ground. Screaming in agony, she writhed on the ground while the music continued to play.
Cecilia rushed up and started to pour water from the Magic Vase on Yuffie. "Nooo!" Yuffie cried as she started to dissolve in the water. "I'm meeeeelllllttttiiiiinnnn-"
Rudy stared at the pool of water on the ground. "She's gone."
"We have done the universe a great service," Cait Sith said.
Aerith shook her head. "No," she said. "She's still alive. That was just her... body. Her spirit of Yuf energy lives on... in Evermore."
"Let's get going, then," Rudy said, jumping through the rift.
"Wait!" Emiko said. "That portal's not sta -" But it was too late. There was a tearing sound as the rift closed up with a snap.
"Rudy!" Jane exclaimed.
* * *
Rudy landed near what used to be Fire Eyes' village in Evermore. The sky was raining meteors, and Kefka's Light of Judgment flickered across the horizon. Fires raged everywhere, and the sky was a deep purple.
Assembled in a clearing were Kefka, Sephiroth, Lavos, Zeromus, Exdeath, Zeikfried, Emperor Barbarosa of Suikoden, Dolf from Vandal~Hearts, Tyr, Deathevn, the Sinistral Daos, Thanatos, Panzer from Shining the Holy Ark, Chaos, Madruk from Dragon Force, Dracula (as in Castlevania), Dark Force, Giygas of EarthBound, and Deathtamoor from Dragon Quest 6. "Whose are all these folks?" Rudy asked Kefka and Seph. "What are they doing here?"
"Kickin' butt and taking names," Kefka laughed. "This is the most fun I've had since I moved the statues out of whack. Heh, heh."
"Is Yuffie still here?"
"Unfortunately," Seph said. "She's up in that space station, Omnitopia. She's surrounded it with a barrier of Yuf energy. Nothing we can do can shatter it."
"Maybe you should leave this up to an expert," a voice behind the assembled villains said. They turned. A white sphere appeared in the sky and formed into the shape of Alhazad.
"You amateurs watch and learn," Alhazad said. "Super Transmitted Mega Crush!" Alhazad held up his right claw. A lightning bolt flew out and struck the space station above. Omnitopia exploded into flames, obliterating all of the station, Yuffie included.
The villains fell to their knees. In unison (except for Lavos), they began to chant. "WE'RE NOT WORTHY!! WE'RE NOT WORTHY!!"
* * *
Rufus's party and Zed's party waited in the computer room of Malduke. A sudden crack opened in the air and Rudy stepped out.
"You're back," Hanpan said. "What happened to Yuffie?"
"She's dead," Rudy said. "Alhazad destroyed her."
"We figured as much," Reno said.
"Now it really is over," Cecilia said.
"The Guardian Amulet is recovered," Emiko agreed. "The power of the Guardians has been restored, and the evil force of Yuf has been toppled."
"Of course, you couldn't have done it without my help!" Zed said fervently.
"Shut up, Zed," Jack said.
"What happened to Kefka and Sephiroth?" Sabin asked.
"They still had some tidying up to do in Evermore," Rudy said. "And I think Sephiroth was trying to get Alhazad to autograph the Masamune."
A blue sphere of pulsing light appeared in the air over the group. "Thank you, Innocent One," Stoldark said. "You have freed us from Angol Fred's control, and defeated an evil far greater than Angol Fred. Your mission is complete."
"Well, we've beat Shingle Fred and saved the universe," Spekkio said. "What are we going to do now?"
"I'm going to Disneyland!" Cait Sith said.
"Look, it's Angol Fred! ANGOL!" Jane shouted. "For the love of Zephyr, it's ANGOL Fred! Can't you get his name right?"
"I guess it's time for us to head home," Aerith said.
"You know, I'll miss you guys," Cait Sith said. "Uh, except for Rufus, that is."
"Just leave me alone, okay?" Rufus snapped. "I'm having a bad hair... month."
"For you, every month is bad hair month."
"And ESPECIALLY no more comments about my hair," Rufus said, turning from Cait Sith.
"Maybe we can all get together again sometime," Sabin suggested.
"Oh no, not a sequel," Jane groaned.
* * *
Rufus, Cait Sith, Red XIII, Cid, and Aerith disembarked from the Protowing as it dropped them off near Junon in their homeworld. Red XIII looked around, a puzzle expression on his face. Faint music that sounded vaguely familiar was coming from nearby. The sound seemed to be coming from the northwest, the direction in which Junon was.
Rufus ran up a hill to investigate. His mouth dropped open in shock. Junon had been repainted in bright pastel colors and covered with balloons and confetti. The Jenova World song was blaring out of giant speakers. And a huge cardboard cutout of Sephiroth stood in front of the city, holding a sign that read "WELCOME TO JENOVA WORLD, the Seph-iest place on Earth!"
"SEPHIROTH!" Rufus roared as he charged down the hill. "SEPHIROOOOOOTH!"