Somewhere in Rocket Town, a phone was ringing.

Cursing, Cid Highwind jumped out of the cockpit of his Tiny Bronco plane and jogged--torso tilted awkwardly backwards--across the backyard and into his bedroom. He opened drawers, shoved aside papers, and upturned furniture until he located his PHS phone. The screen was dim and the ringer silent. "#$*%!@%," he said.

As the ringing continued, Cid jogged back out to the Tiny Bronco, fished a key out of his pocket, and unlocked a small compartment on the instrument panels. He swung the compartment open and checked the plane's on-board emergency phone, only to discover that it also wasn't the phone that was ringing. He swore, retrieved another key from inside the compartment, and ran back into the bedroom. With the insistent rings continuing unabated, he entered the proper combination into the safe on his wall and opened it to reveal a second, smaller safe inside. This one he opened with the key from the plane. Inside the second safe was another telephone mounted on a plaque: his Secret Crisis Line, reserved for secrets and/or crises.

It wasn't ringing.

Cid grunted. This could only mean one thing. He ran outside, grabbed a shovel, and started digging as quickly as possible. Two minutes later, with the mysterious phone ringing the whole time, he had hauled up a box made of solid mythril. Cid placed his eye to the box's built-in retinal scanner and the box popped open. From inside, Cid retrieved yet another phone: his Very Secret Emergency Line, reserved for business too secret and urgent for even the Secret Crisis Line. This one was, in fact, ringing.

Cid held it up to his ear. "Yeah, you've reached the Cids' Very Secret Crisis Line. This is Cid."

Fortunately, his caller had remained on the line this whole time. "This is Cecil Harvey. Which one of you guys am I talking to?"

"Number Seven."

"Are you the one with the raincoat?"

"#$*&!@% no! That's Number Six. I'm the chain smoker."

"Which one is Cid Pollendina?"

"That's Number Four."

"Can you put him on the line?"

"Haven't talked to the guy in months, but I'll see what I can do."

On board his airship, Cecil motioned for his crew to continue trying to fend off the monstrous snake--apparently known as "Midgarsworm"--that had burst out of their cargo hold. A line of Red Wings spearmen kept the beast pinned against the rear of the airship while Rosa launched arrows at it from afar.

Cid Highwind finally succeeded in transferring the call to Cid Pollendina. "CECIL? That really you, man?" Cid exclaimed. "Everyone in Baron's been wondering where the heck you and Rosa waltzed off to. Where are you?"

"Sorry I was gone so long. Needed a little time to get away and try some new things, but I realized that my place is back here in the kingdom. Besides, the bazooka market was really drying up. I'm on my way home, but ..."

"You didn't forget the way, did you?" That would only serve him right for straying away for so long.

"No, a giant snake burst out of the cargo hold and ate half my crew."

"...we'll be right there."

The Midgarsworm burst through the line of spears. Its forked tail lashed out and skewered two of the Red Wings. Rosa shrieked. "Oh my God! The snake killed Biggs and Wedge!"

Cecil reached for his sword. Some homecoming this had turned out to be. It was probably all he deserved, though, for leaving his throne for so long. But why did it have to be snakes?

Hurling spears and bags of airship peanuts at the Midgarsworm, the Red Wings managed to keep the beast at bay until help arrived. Two other airships--the Enterprise and the Highwind--approached overhead from opposite horizons and stopped over Cecil's airship. A pair of ladders were thrown down and followed by two different men with the same name.

Cid VII pulled on his gloves. "OK, 'fess up. Which one of you was that snake sent to assassinate? Any diplomats on board? Any spies? Fess up, which one of you @*#$ers is carrying the experimental isotope?"

Giant battle hammer clutched in both hands, Cid IV crouched into a fighting stance. He kept a close gaze on the Midgarsworm, and, as soon as the snake turned to one side, rushed in to strike with his hammer. He clobbered the side of the Midgarsworm's head and the snake instantly crumpled into a limp coil on the ground.

"Dang, nice hit, Number Four," Cid VII said. "You been workin' out or something?"

"Yep," Cid IV said. "I think I've made some real advances."

But it would take more than Cid IV's mad hammer skills to delay the Midgarsworm. It quickly shook itself out of the daze and, furious, cast its "Beta" blue magic spell. A mushroom cloud of energy exploded from the deck, blasting the Cids off their feet. Now Cid VII was angry. "I WANT THIS #@#$*ING SNAKE OFF THE @$&#$ING AIRSHIP!" he shouted, jumping up and rushing the Midgarsworm. Before his spear came within stabbing distance, the snake smacked him with its tail and sent him flying against the railing.

"Sir, can we help?" one of the Red Wings asked.

"NO! Sit your asses down and eat your goddamn PEANUTS! Damn, I'm pissed!"

Cecil pointed skyward. "Look! Up in the sky! It's Sephiroth! No, it's Dante! No, it's -- oh, wait, dammit, it is Sephiroth."

A dark shape plummeted from the heavens like a fallen angel. As it descended towards Cecil's airship, flames fanned out in circle to herald the arrival of Sephiroth. He touched down amidst the flames, his sword already drawn and shining in the light of the fire.

The cigarette fell from Cid Highwind's mouth. "Sephiroth? What the @#&$* are you doing here? I thought you retired!"

"Thought I'd experiment with a new business model: Undercutter monster slaying." He turned to Cecil and nodded by way of introduction. "Whatever you're paying these guys to fight this thing, I can do it cheaper. I've got plenty of experience killing Midgarsworms, so I can offer you a very competitive rate. Don't waste your gil on an overpriced alternatve."

"Well, there's a couple problems with that." Cecil tried to remain rational even as the Midgarsworm chewed up Wedge's body. "First, these guys are working for free. Second, you just set the entire airship on fire and now we're all going to die."

Indeed, one of the propellers had already burned through and toppled onto the deck, setting it further ablaze. Cecil's airship went into a freefall. Enraged by the flames licking at its tail, the Midgarsworm regurgitated Wedge only to devour him a second time.

"#$&@#$, I'm not gonna die here!"

All would have been lost had it not been for the remnants of Cecil's failed business ventures. Crates full of unsold bazooka ammunition still sat in Cecil's cargo hold and, having resisted being sold even at substantial markdowns, were awaiting transportation back to Baron ... that was, until the flames eating through the airship caught up with them.

There was a bang. "GET DOWN!" Cid IV shouted, tackling Rosa.

In the resulting explosion, the rear half of the airship was blown into pieces, taking the Midgarsworm with it. Pieces of wood and exploded snake filled the sky, blotting out the sun over Agart and causing a local weatherman who had predicted the first sunny day of the year to get fired from his job.

Sephiroth shrugged. "I could have done that."

"Cid! Cid!" Rosa immediately looked to the man who had protected her. "Are you OK?"

Cid Pollendina jumped back to his feet. "Of course! It takes more than a few explosions to stop me. I'm just like Billy Lee Black, Man of Action, in Mars Needs Geomancers."

The remaining chunk of the airship descended towards Baron. On the ground, some enterprising citizens had already gathered up the fractional pieces of the airship for later auctioning off. From atop a mountain, two cloaked figures watched the conflagration through binoculars. "Excellent. Everything is proceeding according to plan."

QU'S MARSH presents
a FRITZ FRAUNDORF fanfic
CID WARS IV: FABULA NOVA CIDOLFAS
The Cid Wars Trilogy: Part 4 of 3

The sun was just rising over the husk of the Shinra-26 when Cid X jogged into Rocket Town, winded by the top-speed run from his airship. His daughter trailed after him, looking rather dubious but left with no choice to follow. The call on the Fairly Secret Emergency Meeting Line had come in last night, waking Rikku and interrupting Cid's midnight snack. They'd had just hours to pack and prepare, but Cid had done his duty to heed the call and join his comrades. Finding his way to Rocket Town had been an ordeal, however; he hadn't visited in many months, and by the time he finally tracked it down, he was already running late.

As Cid passed through the front door of the Shanghai Inn, he slowed to a casual saunter designed not to attract any undue attention. He rapped on the bathroom door. "I'll be out in a moment!" came the call from inside.

"Lavatrina et intervigilum et viator," Cid spoke the password.

The door opened. Cid and Rikku passed inside. The "bathroom" was, in fact, not: the toilet had been torn out and replaced with a metal ladder leading down some impossibly long chute. Cid gave an appreciative nod to their gatekeeper, who sat reading the latest installment of A Series of Unfortunate Random Battles, and then it was down the ladder to the underground bunker.

"Hurry it up!" Cid snapped to his daughter, who was lagging behind. "We're late enough as it is!"

At the bottom of the ladder lay a square room made of shiny, sterile white metal. It was spartanly decorated, with only Shera's wooden reception desk placed alongside one wall. Cid granted Shera a quick nod as they hurried past her on the way to the conference room. "Pops?" Rikku prodded. "Aren't we even going to say hi to these people?"

"Shh. International terrorism is serious business."

Beyond the threshold to the conference room, a shiny table extended down towards a projection screen at the far end of the room. The table was surrounded by eleven chairs, only nine of which had been filled. Cid X grabbed the tenth, looked around, and realized the Cids had failed to provide a seat for his daughter. "Hang on, I'll grab you a chair," he said, and ducked out of the room.

While she was waiting to be seated, Rikku glanced around the room. A variety of slightly grumpy but good-natured inventors and mechanics--Pops's coworkers--filled most of the seats. A mythril plaque hanging on one wall identified one of them, Cid Number Seven, as "Cid of the Year."

At the far end of the table, the Cid of the Year stood up. "OK, I think everyone's here. Time to start the Cid Roll Call." He grabbed the meeting log. "Number Two?"

Cid II awakened from his dozing and jerked his head up. "Damn tootin' I'm here! I'm the most important part of this team! You think I'm going to let you whippersnappers run the show when none of you know the darndest thing 'bout surviving on your own? Let me tell you, back in my day, most of us heroes had to save the world alone; none of this 'swapping party members' rubbish, nosirree. Heck, we thanked our lucky stars if we ever met an NPC who didn't knife us in the gut, steal all our gil, and leave us for dead in an alley!"

"#$@!%, you haven't changed. Number Three? You here?" He scanned the table for the Cids' second member and his famed pointy hat.

"Peco and I are both here." Cid III patted his talking onion sidekick on its short, oblong head.

"Puddy tweep!" chimed in Peco.

"Damn, I barely recognized you, Three; you get a makeover or something? Number Four, you're here, of course. Number Five? Mid?"

"Here."

"Here," Mid sat in a wicker chair behind his grandfather, polishing his thick glasses with the corner of his coat.

"Number Six, I can see the @$#*in' yellow raincoat clear over here. Number Seven, damn right I'm here. T.G. Cid?"

"Here," said Cidolfas "Thunder God Cid" Orlandu.

"Number Eight?"

"Here."

"Number Nine?"

"Here and presently human."

"Good. Number Ten?"

Cid X had just returned from retrieving a chair for Rikku. "Here."

Rikku jumped up and shot her hand skyward. "Rikku's here too!"

Cid VII stared at her. "Hey, Ten, lose the damn kid, OK? We're dealing with the future of our civilization here; we can't get #$!@ children involved."

"But it's Take Your Daughter to Work Day!"

"Yeah, well, Number Four has a daughter, but you don't see him bringing her to Order business."

In fact, Four had attempted to, but after Cid X once tried to enlist her as a test subject for his new machina colonoscopy device, Miss Pollendina studiously avoided involving herself in any of the affairs of the Cids.

"She didn't know anything about machina. Rikku does."

"All right, fine." Cid VII continued the roll call. "Number Eleven?"

The Cids all looked to a computer monitor built into one wall, and Rikku followed their gaze. The screen had turned on to display another gruff inventor, standing against a plain blue backdrop. "Signed on and getting 12 Mbps upstream," Cid XI said.

Rikku leaned forward and whispered to her father, "Why is he on a computer?"

"Number Eleven was killed in action during a battle with our vice-arch-nemesis," he explained. "We weren't able to save his body, but before he died, he uploaded his consciousness to a distributed computer network."

"Number Twelve?"

Unlike the others, this call was met not with a response but with a conspicuous silence.

"Number Twelve?" Cid VII repeated. The Cids looked to the end of the table, where one chair still sat empty. Cid XII, it appeared, was running a little late.

"Has anyone seen Number Twelve today?"

The table remained silent.

"Has anyone seen Number Twelve ever?"

More silence.

"Well, #$*#$ it, I'm not going to waste any time waiting for him. Let's get started."

Cid IV took over the floor. "Gentlemen, you all know why you've been called here today. I know it's been a long time since we've been together and we've all been busy with our own lives since Pimp My Airship went off the air. But the time has come for the Order to form once again and resume its hallowed duties of repairing airships and fighting crime." He snatched up a sheet of paper left at his seat and read off it. "A list of incidents that have occured over the past week: In Canaan, Number III's airship was hijacked by mutant snakemen demanding safe transportation to their secret mountain headquarters across the border."

"Buncha damn fools, really," Cid III muttered. "Ain't no airship that can land in the mountains."

"Karnak, airship rigged with a bomb nearly takes out Number Five and our Cid-in-Training. Baron, giant snake bursts out of an airship cargo hold and tries to devour me and Number Seven. Vector, hijack plans foiled when large snake answering to the name of 'Ouroboros' rendered unconscious by self-inflicted bite wounds." Number Four set down the paper. "Well, those are the facts; I think you can draw the conclusions. First, someone is out to get us. Second, I've had it with these snakes."

"Any leads?" Number Eight asked.

Cid IV started to pace. "Well, that's the tricky part. We no longer have an arch-nemesis, so who would want to do this to us?"

Rikku's hand shot up. "EXCUSE ME, I HAVE A QUESTION!"

Cid VII winced and gave Ten the dirtiest of dirty looks. Even Cid IV looked mildly annoyed at being interrupted, but he and the other Cids nevertheless turned to her. "Um ... OK ... Number Ten's daughter."

"My name is Rikku," Rikku said indignantly. "And my question is: Who was our arch-nemesis?"

As if she'd never asked the question, the Cids immediately turned away from her and resumed their previous conversation. "What about our vice-arch-nemeses?" Cid XI asked from his screen.

"Cid VII just got off the phone with Azkaban Prison; Pikachu and Charles Manson are still in solitary confinement," Four said. "So I suppose the question is: Do we have any other arch-nemeses we don't know about?"

This set Cid II off again, and he beat his fist against the table as he launched into another bitter tirade. "Well, let me tell you lads, back when I was a young 'un, we had more enemies than we could count. Random battles all over the place. Couldn't take more than a few steps through a dungeon without ogres appearing all over the place. And you know what? We liked it, 'cause how else were we going to gain any experience? None of this namby-pampy Junctioning rubbish for us, no sirree..."

He shut up only when Shera poked her head into the conference room. "Number Nine? Your wife's on the phone."

While Cid IX departed to take the call, Cid VII yanked the cigarette out of his mouth to sound off on the affair. "Well, whoever's behind this, we'd better figure it out before that #$&@^ punk Sephiroth beats us to it. I'm not letting him get one over on us again; that was just embarassing."

Cid IX rushed back into the room, pale-faced and obviously distraught. "We have a hostage situation developing in Burmecia. Eiko was nabbed right off our airship during a diplomatic mission. It was snakes again."

Chaos broke out. The Cids all sprung up from their seats, shouting plans and furious condemnations over each other. "HOLY @&#*$!" Cid VII's voice came through loudest over the crowd. Then he scowled. "Wait, who's Eiko?"

The din died down as, one by one, the Cids realized that none of them, in fact, had any idea who this was.

"She's my daughter," Cid IX snapped.

Rikku was horrified. "Pops! We gotta go save her, right?" Then she sat down, scheming. As the situation sunk in, her initial fear for the kidnapped daughter quickly turned to excitement. Good, some action and a chance to prove to these fuddy-duddies what the younger generation could do. She rubbed her hands together and grinned at her imminent success. "Watch out, snakes, here comes Rikku-Tikki-Tavi."

ACT ONE: Zen and the Art of Airship Maintenance

As the Highwind blasted off into space en route to Gaia, the Cids and associated family members reviewed the situation. A computer monitor on the bridge had been switched on to allow Number Eleven to continue his role in the discussion. "I didn't even know you had a daughter, Nine."

"Well, she's adopted," Cid IX explained. "Normally, she'd be in school at this time of day, but Hilda took her in to work today on a diplomatic trip to Burmecia. I guess that was when the snake attack happened. There's this giant snake sort of monster called Gizamaluke that lives down south ... normally, it's a peaceful vegetarian monster, but someone must have riled it up or enchanted it again."

"See, Ten, this is why the damn kids ought to stay home," Cid V said. "Unless they're a Cid-in-Training like Mid here." He nodded to his grandson, who was studiously penning notes in his journal.

Cid X snorted. "He's been in training for what, like, eight years now? I think someone's due for some academic probation."

"At least he keeps his mouth shut," Cid II snapped. "In my day, proper children were seen and not heard. That's why my parents always cast Silence on me when I was growing up."

The cause of their argument, meanwhile, stayed out of the debate, preferring to sit in the corner with her Popular Machina magazine and mid-morning snack. What a bunch of doofuses; it was like they'd never seen a girl before.

The Cids were still bickering when their airship came up on Burmecia. The skies grew dark and the driving rain that eternally besieged the kingdom pounded against the airship's windows. As soon as the airship touched down, it was greeted by the victims of the attack: a distraught Hilda guarded by Freya and several other Burmecian dragoons, all smelling of wet fur. While Cid IX embraced his wife, Freya wasted no time in recounting the kidnapping. "It happened out of nowhere. The Invincible was attacked by Gizamaluke."

"I guess it wasn't, then."

"The thing broke through the side window, and, before any of us had any idea what was going on, it stole Eiko right off the Invincible and took off!"

As Cid of the Year, Number Seven felt he should take command of the situation. Taking command, in this case, meant delegating responsibility and letting someone else venture through the deluge. He nodded to Number Six. "I say we leave this one to Poncho Villa here."

"Wait, wait, wait," Number Nine cut in. "Gizamaluke is a dangerous monster! We can't send in one attacker alone; we're going to need combos."

Rikku held up the slice of pizza she was eating. "Italian sausage and mushroom?"

"I was thinking a pincer attack."

"Good idea," Number Seven said. "We'll split up to cover the city. Um, let's see, what were our usual teams?"

Silence descended on the Cids as they struggled to recall their usual procedure. But it had been a year and a half since their last team-building laser tag retreat and none of them had spent much time thinking about their battle formations in the interim.

"Ah, to hell with it," Seven continued when it became apparent that none of them had a clue. "Let's say, uh ... one squad will be me, Two, Three, Twelve ... wait, is Twelve here at all?" A quick head count revealed only ten Cids, one grandson, one daughter, and one sentient turnip. "He never showed up? All right, fine. I'll take Two, Three, Nine, Ten, and Mrs. Frisby here, and Four will go with Three, Five, Mid, Six, and Eight. Eleven will coordinate the operation from the airship."

Cid VIII looked up from the laptop at which he had been staring. "Hang on. I'm downloading a torrent of Eleven onto this computer, actually."

T.G. Cid raised his left hand, the right maintaing a permanent position on the hilt of his sword. "Hope you're not leaving me out of this one."

"Damn, I forgot." Even the Cid of the Year couldn't keep track of all the Cids these days. "Sorry, T.G.; you're kind of the wildcard of the group. How about you go with Four's team?"

"Sure. I love being the wildcard."

Divided into their two teams, the Cids advanced into Burmecia. Rikku dashed after them, one hand holding up her low-slung pants. "Uh, wait up! You forgot me."

"Whoa, hang on," Cid II said. "You' nore going to let your daughter leave the airship dressed like that, are you, Number Ten? In my day, kids wore their underpants on the inside of their clothes.

Cid X nodded. "Yeah. You'd better stay here, Rikku; this is going to be dangerous."

"That doesn't sound like taking your daughter to work, Pops. C'mon, you know I'm gonna be a lot more helpful than a bunch of old fogeys in floppy hats." She sidled into Cid X's squad. Cid X, however, was serious about keeping his world-traveling, civilization-saving daughter out of the way of a hungry, hungry snake. He took her by the shoulders and relocated her out of the group. Rikku tried to squirm away from him, conceding defeat only when Number Seven grabbed hold of her worn-on-the-outside underwear and gave her a wedgie. At Cid X's command, the two Burmecian soldiers quickly grabbed her and hauled her back to safety on the Highwind.

Cid II rolled his eyes. "I knew we were headed for trouble as soon as that hussy in Baron started taking her clothes off."

Then, finally, they were on their way into the city. Once they had passed the gates, the two teams split up, one taking the east road towards the residential district, the other forking west towards the city square. "All right, you guys be sure to report everything that you see," Cid IV said. "We don't know what we're up against."

The two teams advanced slowly through the rain-battered streets, wary of whatever might come jumping out at them. Aside from Cid IV's ongoing monster-fighting efforts, none of the Cids had any actual combat experience since the long-ago success of Operation Dungeon Strike. They'd all gone their separate ways: Cid VIII and his wife had gone back to running Balamb Garden, Cid VII continued mourning his lost astronaut dreams while finding temporary work voicing a Q-Bert cartoon, and T.G. Cid launched a new "Greatest Hits" DVD showcasing his sword skills. Cid III wasn't even sure who all the new guys were -- was the bald one Number Nine or Number Ten?

Cid IV's team came to a halt beside a cheese factory. Every street in the city seemed to follow a twisting, windy path, and not only had not they seen any sign of Gizamaluke, they weren't even sure they weren't walking in a circle. And the city had already been evacuated in response to Gizamaluke's attack, so there was no one to ask for directions. While they tried to get their bearings, Number Ten's team radioed in with a report. "OK, we just passed an item shop."

"Copy on item shop," said Cid IV.

"What's your status, Four?"

"Um, I'm not really sure where we are, but Eight and Eleven are on Mapquest trying to figure it out."

"All right."

Eight seconds later, Cid X reported in again. "OK, now there's a Dunkin' Donuts on our left."

"Copy on Dunkin' Donuts."

"Number Three just blew his nose."

"Copy on -- look, when I said 'report everything,' I didn't mean everything."

Meanwhile, back on the Highwind, Rikku was not taking her confinement lying down. She was, in fact, standing up and pacing the room, trying to think of a way to convince her father to let her onto the Cids. "For the apparel oft proclaims the job," she mused, quoting Lord Avon. She strung her headband across the bottom of the doorframe and whistled for the Burmecian dragoons guarding her. This should be as good a plan as any...

The Cids, however, remained in desperate need of even a bad plan. Neither team had located any sign of the great snake that had nabbed Cid IX's daughter, and Cid IV's team was still lost in the driving rain. Then, at last, they heard approaching footsteps. "Hold on, I think we found somebody," Cid IV whispered over the radio. He raised his hammer and rushed forward to strike -- only to, inevitably, run into the other team. He lowered his weapon just in time to avoid rearranging Freya's snout. "Whoops."

The team was none too happy to see that their attempt to locate Gizamaluke had failed. Cid IX was growing increasingly worried about his daughter, and everyone except Number Six was sopping wet. "You know what? This isn't working!" Number Nine snapped. "We're rats in a maze here!"

Freya looked at him.

"Uh, sorry. Bad choice of metaphor."

The other Cids were not too sympathetic. "Well, don't look at us. This is your beat, Number Nine. You're supposed to know where we are."

"Hey, I'm a Cid. We fix airships and fight crime. Cartography isn't in the job description." Defeated, he sat down a nearby park bench.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Cid VIII said. "Have you forgotten? What's the one thing a Cid always has?"

"A sandwich."

"Besides that."

"Uh ... a hammer?"

"Nitroglycerin?"

"Diabetes?"

"A backup plan!" Mid piped up. He had been studying his Cid lessons, even if his elders hadn't.

"Exactly. That's why I brought my thermal goggles." Cid VIII set down his pack and rummaged through it for the awkward-looking pair of goggles he'd brought from Balamb Garden. Unfortunately, the goggles did nothing; the rain was so heavy that the lenses were covered up with rain in a matter of seconds.

But, fortunately, serendipity offered them another solution: they soon heard eerie carnival music wafting through the city. As eerie carnival music seemed to be an inevitable harbinger of evil, the Cids hunted down the music, following the streets in the direction of louder sound, until they located its source: Atop a series of statues of Burmecian heroes stood a tiny figure, its face and body covered by a dark trenchcoat and oversized fedora. The mysterious midget played a snake charmer's flute; Gizamaluke, enrapted by the flute's spell, hovered far overhead. Nearby, a second serpent, smaller and female, carried Eiko in its claws. "FREYA! HELP!"

The Cids came to a halt. Cid IX cringed, seeing his daughter dangling far above the rooftops.

Cid Number Seven claimed the rescue attempt. "I got this one; jumping is a Highwind family tradition." He was half right: The high jump was indeed something of a institution among the Highwinds. However, Cid VII never possessed any particular skill at it and had in fact been humiliated by his first cousin thrice removed, Kain, during a pick-up basketball game at a recent family reunion. In response, Cid had purchased a pair of rocket-equipped shoes that would purportedly enable him to perform improbable, physics-defying leaps and was now chomping at a bit for a reason to give them a try. "Watch this!" He rushed forward and spear clutched in his right hand, reached down with his left to press a button on his shoe. A small rocket activated in each of Cid's shoes and launched him into the air, over the statues, past the Gizamalukes, and into the sky. His figure grew tiny as the shoes propelled him still higher and he vanished into the storm clouds. Gizamaluke hovered in the same spot it had been the whole time, unperturbed in the slightest.

Freya took the second shot. Aided by a running start, she vaulted into the air under power of her own legs and deftly snatched Eiko out of the smaller serpent's claws. They landed safe and sound. As soon as she was back on her feet, Eiko raised her own magic flute. "Esuna!" The spell purged Gizamaluke of its berserker fury and returned the creature to its normal vegetarian diet. His enchantment having been undone, the mysterious fedora-clad midget quickly abandoned his former minion, dropped down among the statues, and scurried away before any of the Cids could catch him.

All should have been well at that point. Unfortunately, vision was not one of Gizamaluke's sharper senses, and, now hungering for some fruits and vegetables, made a lunge for what it perceived to be a gigantic banana. Cid VI shrieked as the talons sunk into his coat and lifted him into the air. By the time the Cids realized what was happened, Gizamaluke was already winging its way south, carrying its delicious potassium-loaded breakfast back to its lair.

Freya ran forth, preparing for a second jump to rescue Number Six. "LOOK OUT!" Eight yelled to her. She dived to the side just as Cid VII dropped spear-first out of the sky. Having missed his target, he rammed the cobbled street knee first and rolled over, cursing, "#$%, where the hell did that thing GO?"

Gizamaluke, still carrying Number Six, reached the city's southern gates. Its wings beat faster as it rose up in the air to fly over them. But as the creature worked on gaining altitude, Sephiroth again descended from the air, now surrounded by a group of men in black robes. This time he landed without setting fire to anything and perched atop the gate, his accomplices surrounding him. He bowed to the Cids. "Sephiroth's Undercutter Monster Slaying! The one and only man with the low-cost solution to your boss problem. Seems you need a hand."

"One and only man? It looks like there's, like, eight of you."

"Well, they told me it was Take Your Advent Children to Work Day."

"It's Take Your Daughter to Work Day, smarty pants. Take Your Advent Children to Work Day is in October."

"Oh. Crap." He put his sword away, backed away from Gizamaluke, and waved off his companions. "Fall back, guys!" They fled across the gate and down into the city.

Cid V covered his face in horror as Gizamaluke departed the city with Number Six still hanging from his claws. But, then, a mysterious Burmecian dragoon vaulted over the wall from outside the city. In a second leap, the dragoon rose up to kick Gizamaluke in the spleen, and, while the serpent was stunned, snatched Cid VI away and brought him down to a safe landing just inside the city gates.

Freya was the first to catch up. "Sir Fratley?"

Rikku tossed her helmet aside. "To hell with Fratley, I am Lord of the Dragoons!"

A grumble arose among some of the Cids, who were none too happy at being bailed out by a girl who wasn't even old enough for her driver's license. "I would have had him," Cid VII grumbled, tapping his shoes against the cobbles.

"Hmph."

Cid IX rushed to embrace his daughter. "Are you OK, honey? Did they hurt you? Any status conditions?" Eiko shook her head. A few scrapes and bruises aside, she had suffered no harm and remained unflustered by this latest adventure. "Good. But I'm not letting my family out of my sight until this is over," he announced to the other Cids. "Number Ten brought his daughter, so it's OK if Eiko and Hilda tag along too, right?"

Seven, having recently acquired a grudge against family reunions, exploded. "What the @#$@ is this, a *&($in' church social? Let's drop everything and gather 'round for ^#$%in' family game night, why don't we? Pull up a chair and play a little Scattergories, huh?" He banged his fist against one of the statues. "Damn, I'm PISSED!"

Cid IX had clamped his hands over Eiko's ears. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Watch the language; there's small children present! And I don't care what you think, Seven. It was one thing when the bad guys came after us, but when they kidnap our families, they've gone too far. We can't keep playing catch-up. We've got to bring the hammer down on these guys. I say we set up a trap. They come after one of us and them--BAM!--the rest of us jump out and nab them."

"Hmm ... it's a fat chance, but we've got slim pickin's," Cid V said. "I say we go for it. Now, who hasn't been hit yet? Number Two, Number Seven, Number Eight..."

"Ten."

"Yeah, Number Ten, and T.G. And Number Eleven; someone might to try give him a virus. And Twelve ... wait, are we still waiting for him?"

They looked around. "Maybe someone already got to him," Cid III said with a shrug.

"OK, here's my suggestion, then," Nine announced. "No offense, Number Eight, but you're kind of a wimp. If I were out to get the Cids, you'd be my next target. Let's set a trap in your Garden thingamajig. The next time that runt in the fedora shows up, we strike like a viper. Oh, er ... bad metaphor again, sorry."

"Actually, that one was a simile," said Eight.

"Oh, for crying out loud."

* * *

In a smoke-filled backroom of the Shanghai Inn bar, Duke Nukem stopped chewing his bubblegum long enough to proclaim, "This round's mine, Cid." He collected the two cards and added them to the bottom of his deck.

Cid XII checked his watch. "Oh, crap, you guys. I was supposed to be at a meeting an hour and a half ago. I gotta go. Here, Axl, you take over." He shoved his cards over to the man sitting next to him so that Axl could continue the game of "war" in his stead.

Axl Rose shrugged. "Eh, what's the rush, man? Haste makes waste; that's what I always say."

"This is an important meeting! If I don't show up, they're going to start a riot."

"Oh, yeah, I hate that."

That was enough talk. Cid XII jumped up from the table, toppling his chair, and ran to the faux bathroom. He was scrambling so fast that, as when he clambered down the ladder to the bunker, he lost his grip and fell the remaining six feet.

Shera nearly choked on her tea when he tumbled into the lobby like an extraordinarily clumsy Santa Claus. "Um, hello."

Cid staggered to his feet and forced his bruised body not to collapse. "Sorry I'm late."

This was strange. The Cids hadn't told her about any guests coming by, but how could he find their secret headquarters unless he'd been invited? "I'm sorry, and you are...?"

"I'm Number Twelve."

"Oh dear. The other Cids left an hour ago. There was another snake attack."

"Dammit." So much for his chance to get in on this operation from the beginning. He pondered what to do next. Show up late to the mission? No, he'd just be a useless hanger-on; they already had eleven other Cids who could perform the basic duties (fixing airships and fighting crime, naturally). He needed to prove to his new comrades that the wait had been worth it.

He unholstered his revolver. "You got a firing range around here? Better perfect my technique before I ship out."

Shera nodded down the hall. "Sure, third door down the hall."

Good, this was more like it. With a little more refinement, he was sure he could mold himself into the greatest Cid of them all. He didn't want his debut to be anything less than flawless.

"I'll be ready in just a second," he promised.

* * *

Edea Kramer could not help but be surprised when not one but ten Cids--and one Cid-in-training--paraded into her husband's office and started setting up land mines, pit traps, and some of their Mimic chests. "Sorry for all the noise, but we have to turn this office into a labyrinth of death," Cid VII said. "Has Squall been holding down the fort OK?"

"Well ... actually, he quit a couple hours ago."

"He what?"

"I don't blame him. You know business has been rough lately, Cid. We get a job, we send the SeeDs out, and then that jerk in a black cape swoops in and offers to do the job for half the price."

"Dammit!" Cid VIII pounded his fist against the wall. "Batman, you son of a bitch!"

Edea departed and Mid immediately claimed the swivel chair she had occupied. He began another entry in his journal, jotting down some notes for his Cid training. Confident that they would soon have their suspect apprehended, Cid X set about removing several floor tiles and then carefully placed Cid VIII's area rug back over the newly made pit. Meanwhile, Hilda sat Eiko in front of Cid's chalkboard so she could keep up with her math homework.

Rikku continued plumbing the Cids for clues to her unanswered question. "Hey, Number ... Four, wasn't it? Why is there no Cid Number One? Is this like how there's no channel one on the telesphere? Not fair to make one of you guys Number One?"

But Cid X only tugged away from the group and sternly admonished her. "Don't talk about that, Rikku."

"Why? Did Number One die? Is he sick? Did he get turned into a Moogle?" She gasped. "Oh my God. He's a Moogle now, isn't he?"

The Cids sat back to wait. Now all they needed was for their mysterious adversary to arrive in pursuit of Number Eight and spring their myriad traps. But as Number Three thought through the recent events, he grew more and more concerned. "Wait a second," he announced aloud. "Something doesn't add up here."

"That's right," Cid IX said. He gently took the chalk from Eiko's hand and tapped it on the chalkboard. "Now, what do we get when we put eight and four together? It's not eleven."

"No, no," Three said. "I'm talking about this plot against us. It doesn't make any sense. How could anyone have known in advance that Number Five and Mid were going to be flying that particular airship? Numbers Four and Seven didn't show up on Cecil's airship until after it had been attacked. And Six wasn't even on the airship that was hijacked in Vector."

"So what are you saying?"

"What if none of this is about us? What if it's about airships? And that's the reason Number Eight hasn't been hit; he doesn't have one. We should be looking for airships, not Cids!"

Now that Cid III explained it, the plot seemed so obvious that they should have realized it much earlier. "DAMN!" Cid X exclaimed. "My little niece is in danger! We gotta get to Spira STAT!"

Rikku rolled her eyes. "I'm pretty sure that Yunie can take care of herself, Pops. You're not the one who saved Spira twice, you know."

Edea poked her head into the room. "Cid! I just received an emergency distress signal from Esthar; the Ragnarok's under attack!"

Cid X was not leaving his niece in danger a second longer. He sprinted for the door, shouting, "Even numbers with me! Odd numbers to the Ragnarok!" The Cids scrambled to divide them into teams; T.G., after a moment's indecision, joined up with the odd numbers. Without even waiting for his even-numbered comrades to assemble, Number Ten fled out the door, stepped on the area rug, and found himself falling into a labyrinth of death. "Aw, crap."

* * *

Thirty minutes earlier...

"With the launch of the Loire Space Binoculars, Esthar is proud to usher in a bold new era of research, combining all the technology of a space telescope with depth perception." Ellone smiled as she faced the assembled crowd of journalists, politicians, and other dignitaries, all of whom--Ellone included--were wondering when exactly the President would arrive for his speech. "This historic launch today proves that if we really believe in ourselves, we can reach any goal, no matter how ludicrous, and that necessity is not the mother of invention, merely its awkward uncle. And now, President Loire will say a few words honoring Dr. Odine and the other scientists who worked to make this messed-up dream a reality." The crowd followed her gaze as she looked down the bridge of the Ragnarok to the side door.

At last, the door zipped open and Laguna scrambled through, laptop clutched tightly to his chest. "Sorry I'm late, guys!" He stopped in front of the podium and connected his laptop to the Rangarok's computer system. "All right, well, you know I'm not real good with speeches, so I figured I'd do this in PowerPoint." He plugged in his laptop and, after some mashing of keys, succeeded in bringing a leaf-adorned list of bullet points up onto the projector screen. He grinned. "You guys like this background? I think it's called 'Autumn Decor.' Man, that Pick-a-Look Wizard is really something."

Laguna began reading off his slides. "OK, people we want to thank. I'm probably forgetting someone here, but Kiros and Ward, for always having my back, my niece Ellone, for letting me take her to work today, Doc Odine, for not fisticuffing anyone during all the late nights spent keeping this baby on schedule." Someone at the back of the airship screamed. "Nah, nah, nothing to worry about, the Doc's a great guy. We owe half of Esthar to his inventions." He looked back at the slides. "I don't want to be someone who backstabs someone who deserves all the credit, so I've got a couple more slides of credits here..."

As Laguna's "Zoom from Corner" transition brought up the next page of credits, someone in the back bellowed, "SNAKE! SNAAAAAAAAKE!"

"All right, I just said I knew I'm leaving out someone else, but I mean it when I say I want to think each and everyone of you. Thanks, Tim and Steve and Michelle. Thanks, Jane; thanks, guy in the corner I don't know. Thanks, Piet. Thanks, giant snake. Whoa, guys, is that supposed to be here?"

Ogopogo, in fact, was not supposed to be on the airship; a pair of fedora-clad ne'er-do-wells had abducted it from its cave in the moon and planted it on the Ragnarok. The Greatest Hits of Eerie Carnival Music cassette now playing in the cargo hold had roused it from its tranquilizer-induced slumber and it wriggled forth in search of fresh adventurer meat.

"How'd that get on here?" Laguna scratched the back of his neck as he examined Ogopogo. "Elle, what do you think?"

But Ellone had already raced into the communications room to send a distress signal to her friends at Garden. Laguna's audience, meanwhile, produced its own distress signal in the form of terrified screaming. Laguna, not without some disappointment, stopped Zooming from Corner and took charge of the situation. "All right, everyone, stay calm and back away from the giant monster," he commanded, his PowerPoint notes projecting onto his face. "Try not to touch the fangs. Help is on the way. Is, uh, there a Parselmouth on the airship?"

"FIVE!" With its shrieking voice, Ogopogo began the final countdown to its ultimate attack.

The journalists and scientists less inclined to panic formed a temporary barricade against Ogopogo by pushing over chairs and security barriers, while others sobbed hysterically and broke out their vomit bags. Geraldo Rivera attempted to coax a cameraman to chop down on his arm so as to fashion himself a faux snake bite.

"FOUR!"

In the distance, they heard the sound of the pod bay doors opening. "Our distress call has been answered. Everyone stay calm."

"Come on, just one bite. Please. It'll make for a great lead."

Relief swept over Laguna when two sets of rescuers arrived: the odd-numbered Cids, in a mad footrace with Sephiroth. Elbows were flying and heads being butted as they fought to be the first on the scene. Sephiroth was slowed by the young girl riding on his shoulders, but Cid IX was also having to carry Eiko. Then, T.G. seized hold of Sephiroth's cape, causing him to stumble and fall. Cid VII tripped over Sephiroth and fell forward, landing just ahead of Sephiroth on the deck. "Ha!" he exclaimed.

"THREE!" Ogopogo screeched.

"I thought we were getting the Rescue Rangers," Geraldo moped. "Who the hell are all you people?"

Cid VII stood up. "Who the hell are we? Are you dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the hell do you think we are? We're the goddamn Cids."

"Sephiroth's Undercutter Monster Slaying, at your service!" Sephiroth looked to the Cids. "This time I brought my daughter. Say hello, Valentine."

Valentine peeked out from behind Sephiroth's head. "Hello," she squeaked in a barely audible voice.

"She's a little shy right now."

"TWO!" Ogopogo announced.

Sephiroth took a few steps towards the monster to clear a line of attack, then stopped. "You take a shot at him, honey."

Valentine pointed her Lego gunblade at the serpent and exclaimed, "Thundaga!" A lightning bolt struck Ogopogo, doing a modicum of damage.

"Her first spell was Blizzara," said her proud father.

"ONE!"

That was enough of a cue for Sephiroth to leave. Abandoning the fight, he turned tail and fled for the escape pods with his daughter. T.G. Cid, however, saw a chance to avenge their honor, show up Sephiroth, and make up for their humiliating Burmecian experience. "Go ahead and run, you coward; the Cids will defend any airship to the death!" Just as Ogopogo unleashed a magical wall of water, T.G. seized Laguna's laptop and hurled it at the beast. "Was it thunder, Sephiroth? I will show you how!" The laptop broke through the first wave and electrocuted Ogopogo. With Ogopogo slain, the waves collapsed, dissipating into a mere two inches of water on the floor. Geraldo knelt in the puddle and tried to make it look like he was drowning.

"Here's a tip," T.G. gloated. "Do not meddle in the affairs of Cid, for they are quick to anger and will beat your ass down with a computer. Hope you had a good warranty on that, by the way, Mr. President."

But all was not well, for the Ragnarok was not built to withstand flooding. As the water from Ogopogo's spell seeped into the circuitry, a warning siren went off, flashing emergency-countdown red and honking like an angry Mad Mallard. A male voice intoned, "DANGER, AUTOPILOT DISABLED."

"Hey, hear that, everyone?" Laguna enthused. "That's my voice!"

Set loose of the autopilot's guidance, the Ragnarok drifted out of its planned orbit and banged against the side of an asteroid. The spaceship shook, people screamed, and vomit bags were again filled. Ellone shepherded the panicking visitors towards the emergency escape pods. "Everyone off the airship!"

None of these calamities had made Doctor Odine any less intent on seeing his great binoculars through their glorious debut. "Ze great Odine never retreats!" he bellowed, climbing up on the podium for added effect. "Ven zey broke up into meinen lab, ven zey skoffed at the Herr Doktor behind hiz back with zeir letters to the editor and recall petitions, zey thought zey could stop me, but NEIN! Ze mighty Odine rises again with vim, vigor, and VITALITY!"

"You're a hair doctor?" Cid IX sounded impressed. "Do you think you could do something about this hairline?"

The Ragnarok crashed into a second asteroid, momentarily jolting the ship onto its side and triggering another pre-recorded warning from Laguna. "GRAVITY GENERATOR FAILURE!" In another few moments, everyone had left the floor behind to drift through the room. Peco landed on his head and rolled around before righting himself. "Puddy! Wheep!" Number Nine grabbed onto Eiko to keep her from floating into a candy machine.

Laguna tried to figure out a rescue strategy when Number Seven took things into his own hands -- or, rather, his feet. He trigged his rocket shoes, blasting himself across the weightless room to the cockpit elevator. "Hey!" Laguna shouted to him. "Can you fly this thing?"

Cid VII glowered at him, offended that this question even needed to be asked. "I can fly anything that's not a chocobo," he growled, then muttered, "Damn birds; you so much as look at them the wrong way and they try to bite your Venus Gospel off."

He helped pull Mid, who was floating nearby, and Laguna into the elevator. They rushed to the cockpit, where Seven grabbed the throttle and immediately jerked the Ragnarok into a dive to avoid crashing into the new Space Binoculars. "Whoa, don't hit that!" Laguna exclaimed.

"Yeah, thanks for the Protip, Chekov." The Ragnarok hurtled forward into an asteroid belt. "All right, everyone, hold on to your Dresspheres and and don't piss in 'em."

With Cid VII at the helm, the Ragnarok glided through whatever holes could be found in the dense field of asteroids. A Moai head on one of the asteroids rose up in front of them, threatening collision until Cid blew it to smithereens with a well-aimed missile.

Laguna kept up his backseat piloting. "Do a barrel roll! Do a barrel roll!"

This was not helping him navigate. "Mid, take the professor in the back." Cid ground his teeth and scowled at the view screen as he cut into a sharp turn to dodge a passing "space plane."

Finally, the Ragnarok emerged from the asteroid belt. Before the ship loomed a large gray object. "Look, a space station!" Laguna cried, pointing. "We're saved!"

"That's no space station ... that's the MOON."

"Oh, oops."

Cid slowed the Ragnarok as they approached. The ship descended into the Moon's atmosphere and skimmed over the surface while they looked for a safe place to land. After they passed a numbers of craters and jagged crystal towers, Mid pointed out a smooth surface of rock. Cid VII brought the Ragnarok down and they settled into a smooth landing on the surface of the Moon. The guests cheered. They were safe.

Laguna hadn't had so much fun since the Sorceress Wars. Nothing like a few life-or-death escapades to beat the budget negotiation blues. "Wow, that was some crazy Han Solo flying, Cid Whichever. And here I always thought of you guys more as the Yoda type."

"Only when my wife turned me into a frog," Cid IX moped.

"Yeah, well, yer lookin' at the %^#$!in' Cid of the Year," Cid VII said, lighting a congratulatory cigarette. The Ragnarok's smoke alarm went off and he hit it to make it stop. "I'm Number Seven, by the way, and, on behalf of my comrades, I'd like to say I deserve all the credit. Now how 'bout a look around the Moon?"

How about that? After all these years, he'd finally made it to the moon, and without any help from Rufus or fatman Palmer. With extravagant strides, he marched out of the ship and placed one foot on the moon rocks. "Haha, take that, Shinra! Now look who's walking on the @#&$ MOON." His head swiveled from side to side as he surveyed the endless gray plateaus and jutting rocks, barren except for the occasional roving band of flans and prokaryotes. "There is something interesting here, right?"

The other Cids and the Esthar contingent followed him outside. After the terrifying flight through the asteroid belt, they looked relieved to be back on solid ground--all except Geraldo, who was feigning asphyxiation. But as they looked around the empty landscape and saw nary a sign of civilization nor hospitable shelter, their spirits sank again. "You know, I sort of liked the Earth better," Ellone said with a sigh.

Laguna tried his best to appear unconcerned. "I know that in space, no one can hear you scream, but they can still pick up Morse code, right?"

* * *

Meanwhile, after another busy day of bailing Spira out of innumerable crises and scalping tickets for Tobli, Yuna was finally kicking back on the Celsius with the latest issue of Blitzball Illustrated and letting Paine try to work the knots out of her shoulder. She turned the page to the fold-out spread on the new Rin's Travel Agency Arena just as her uncle burst into the cabin, bellowed "HANDS OFF MY NIECE, YOU FILTHY BEASTS!", and hurled smoke grenades every which way.

Paine sprung back. "I was just rubbing her shoulders!"

As the smoke thinned, Cid X scanned the room and found it substantially less dangerous than he expected. He frowned. "Aren't there any, y'know ... bad guys around here?"

Yuna looked a little embarassed that her uncle had come all this way for nothing on her behalf. "Some mysterious shadowy figures came by with some of Leblanc's Sniper Vipers, but, well, we..."

"We gave them a hurtfest."

Rikku gave Yuna an apologetic look. "I tried to tell him."

"Damn." He'd been hoping for a chance at some heroism. Disappointed, he turned to report to the other even-numbered Cids, who were just now filing into the cabin. "Well, everyone, this is my niece, Yuna. Yuna, these are the other Cids."

Yuna smiled. "Hi. It's nice to meet you all." But when she looked over the small group, she grew puzzled. "I thought there were more of you."

"We're the even numbers only," Ten explained. "And Number Twelve still hasn't shown up yet."

"Yeah, there was a rumor going around for a while that only the odd numbers had jobs, but I can assure you that's incorrect," Eight said. "We're just as qualified to help as any big-shot prime number."

"I'm a prime number and don't you forget it, sonny boy!"

Brother poked his head into the cabin. "What's all this racket about?" he shouted. Then he spotted his father and the other members of the Order. "Oh, it's you. How come you never care if I'm in danger? Anyway, we've just picked up a distress call. Sounds like there's trouble right here in Guadosalam city."

He replayed the call. There was a brief burst of static followed by Leblanc desperately shrieking, "KAMOME-DAAAAAAAAAAN!"

Considering the amount of distress had Leblanc caused them, even the Friendly Neighborhood Gullwings weren't sure this really needed their attention. Maybe it was time to discontinue the neighborhood watch. "Well," Paine said after a moment's pause, "I say we leave this up to our leader."

Yuna sighed. "I suppose we'd better help them."

"That's me," Brother said. "I'm the leader." But no one paid him any attention.

And so, while Cid VII rocketed about an immobile airship, the even-numbered Cids flew the Gullwings' highly-mobile airship over to Guadosalam. Thanks to the Celsius's "new-fangled" engines, this trip took a matter of seconds. "Damn, these things are getting fast," Cid II muttered. "Too fast, if ya ask me. Nothing like flying your airship twenty minutes one way to get to the nearest town to build character."

As soon as they jumped off the airship into Guadosalam, they could tell what the situation was. Leblanc Syndicate's gun-equipped Viper Snipers wriggled one after another out of every door and window of Chateau Leblanc, forming into one column as they joined in a mass exodus. At the head of the formation stood the same flute-playing midget they'd seen in Burmecia, now joined by a second conspirator similar in both dress and height. The two of them led the snakes, Pied Piper-style. through the wooden halls of the city with their eerie carnival flute music. Leblanc and her Syndicate goons resorted to trying to grab the snakes with their bare hands, but the snakes were departing in far too great numbers for the goons to be able to catch 'em all. Furious, Leblanc bombarded her minions with stones from her new zen rock garden -- ordered during a fleeting moment of repentance after losing her temper and giving Tromell Guado THE HEEL because he refused her permission to build a statue of herself in Central Park.

Rikku could not pass up the opportunity to get back at her father. "I dunno, Pops. Maybe you'd better stay on the airship; this looks dangerous. I mean, if someone casts L.2 Death, you guys are toast."

Amused, he gave his daughter a playful jab to the shoulder. "You know, Rikku, yer old man isn't quite the old fogey you think he is. I used to be a pretty hep cat back in the day. Did you know that when I was a teenager, I played in a jug band with Braska and Wen Kinoc?"

"That's actually about the least cool thing I can think of, Pops."

Meanwhile, the midgets -- hidden beneath their trenchcoats and fedoras -- marched the snakes away from Chateau Leblanc and into the higher levels of the city. Leblanc abandonded her fruitless pursuit and, having spotted the Gullwings standing at the city gates, approached. "Come to fess up about the snakes, have you? I thought this seemed like one of your nefarious schemes, Yuna."

Yuna was too gobsmacked by this accusation to even reply. Paine merely rolled her eyes and said, "I don't think Yuna has ever come up with a nefarious scheme in her life. Not one that wasn't actually Rikku's idea, anyway. We were responding to your distress signal."

"Distress signal, what distress signal?" Leblanc huffed.

Buddy pointed, directing their attention to more urgent business. The mass of snakes had advanced up the road and through the magic gateway in Guadosalam's upper reaches. "No time to argue; we've got snakes on a Farplane!"

Batting aside the late-coming snakes that were still slithering towards the Farplane, the Cids rushed up Guadosalam's twisty passages towards the entrance to the Farplane. They were only a few yards away when Cid II suddenly winced and stepped aside. "Uh, you kids can handle this, right? Think I'd better sit this one out."

Without him, the other Cids clattered up the stone steps and through the gateway to the Farplane. Inside, a large freight elevator had been installed at the tip of the cliffside. Their midget nemeses were loading their latest haul of snakes onto the elevator. None of them seemed to have noticed the Cids. Cid IV saw a chance to cut off the snake attacks at their source. With a finger to his lips, he motioned for silence. Step by step, he crept forward until --

"DID YUNA TELL YOU TO TAKE MY SNAKES?" Leblanc roared.

Six hundred snakes aimed their built-in machine guns.

Leblanc held an embarassed hand up to her mouth. "Oops. Sorry. Zen time."

The salvo of bullets tore through the Cids' ranks, bringing them and the Gullwings to their knees in critical condition. Sweat poured from Cid IV's face. Cid X dropped to one knee, clutching where he'd been struck. "Dammit, and I'm down to my last elixir," Cid X said. "Oops, wait, this is a Megalixir!" He downed the magic drink, restoring not only his health but all of comrades' as well and bringing them back to their feet.

Then sudden inspiration struck him. He raised the empty potion bottle to his lips and blew into it. After a few quick pitch adjustments, he settled into a credible rendition of "Battle With Gilgamesh." Some of the snakes were just getting ready to shoot again, but paused to listen to this peculiar music. As Cid played on, a few of the pyreflies swirling about the Farplane condensed into the shapes of Braska and Kinoc, who joined Cid X on his tune before they all broke into a cover of the "Theme from Shaft."

By the time Braska began his washboard rendition of the intro to "Baba O'Riley," the reptilian mass had forgotten all about its previous master. They stared at the jug band in rapt attention, completely hypnotized. Leblanc sat similarly immobile, though it was unclear whether she was in silent meditation or had fallen asleep.

The cargo elevator started chugging, setting both the elevator and the midgets' escape plan into motion. Suddenly bereft of their snakes army, the midgets abandoned their recruiting mission and hurried for the elevator as it started to descend into the depths of the Farplane. Paine threw out a leg and tripped them. The two midgets tumbled head over heels, dropping their flutes in the process, but kept on running for the elevator.

"I've got them!" Yuna shouted. She vaulted over the hypnotized snakes to give chase. Pistols at the ready, she ran towards the elevator and would have had a clean shot had Leblanc not bashed her over the head with a rock gardening rake. The midgets scampered over the side of the cliff, onto the elevator platform, and disappeared.

When Yuna stopped seeing stars, she turned a sullen glare to Leblanc, wondering how in the world her nemesis was going to rationalize this. Leblanc piously explained, "The Macalania Sutra teaches us we must never resort to violence to achieve our aims."

"I can see you're holding up your end of the bargain."

But it far from a total loss. Number Six gathered up the snake charming flutes and stuffed them in his raincoat. "Wow, so I guess we control all the snakes now, huh?" Rikku said as they emerged from the Farplane. "I gotta say, Pops, that was some pretty cool playin'. Maybe there's hope for the previous generation yet."

Cid II sat waiting on the steps to the portal. "Sounded like rubbish to me," he snapped. "Kids these days just want listen to their sampled instruments and custom soundtracks; they don't know what the PCM is all about! Y'see, PCM is like ... beep boop boop beep. Actually, it's more like ... beep bloop bzz boop beep, so you gonna just sit here and enjoy it! I've got it, PCM is like the Virtual Boy; it'll be around forever, heh heh heh."

After listening to Number Two's ranting all morning, Ten was starting to wish that the Order's oldest member was dead already. "You know, Two, you're hardly in a position to complain when you were loitering around outside the whole time," he snapped.

"That wasn't really the place for me," Two said with a casual shrug.

Yuna looked strangely at him. "Don't tell me you're...?"

Cid II cackled. "Finally, someone's catching on."

The rest of the Cids, who were apparently not catching on, stared blankly at him.

Sounding terribly pleased with his ability to fool them, Cid II explained, "Damn, you kids are dense. You never had the slightest clue there was something different about me, did you? Yeah, I might look like a normal man, but on the inside, I've been dead since the 1980s!"

Cid VI shrugged. "Eh, don't worry about it; a lot of people are. I think it was all the cocaine and synthpop."

"No! I'm deceased! Inanimate! An ex-Cid! They killed me with a tornado years ago! 'course, I wasn't about to leave all the universe's airships in the hands of you whippersnappers, so I came back as an Unsent. And none of you shmucks ever even had a clue. You should be embarassed" He snorted. "Good thing I'm still around so the Order has at least one professional hero who knows what's going on." He cocked his head towards the odd buzzing sound. "Say, one of you bring a bee in here?"

"That's your CommSphere; you should probably answer it."

"My who to the what now? Someone tell me why my pants are shaking."

"Oh, here." Number Ten's hand darted into Two's back pocket and pulled out his CommSphere, which had been set to vibrate mode. He answered it. "Hey, Number Seven! We struck mythril. Didn't catch the midgets in the funny hats, but we got their snake charming flutes."

"Great, that should pull the rug out on their whole #!*$in' operation."

"Please, let's not talk about rugs like that." Cid X's rear was still smarting. "What's the situation on the Ragnarok?"

"The snake's dead, but we had to make an emergency landing on the moon and we can't go anywhere until we get the airship repaired."

"All right, we'll get Number Four's Whale thing and meet you there."

"Hurry, will ya? This place bites. Shinra told us there would be water on the moon and instead there's just more goddamn random battles!"

* * *

Two hours after Cid XII arrived in Rocket Town, he had still not left. When Shera went to buy food for her cat, she found him hanging out in the pet store, perusing the mongoose cage and taunting the animals with illegal flashbang grenades. "Uh ... weren't you going to join up with the other Cids? I just got word; they're on the moon now."

"Well, you said it was snakes, right?" he said. "Mongooses are the natural predators of snakes, so I'm trying to find the most vicious and ruthless of the bunch to recruit as my sidekicks. And they have to be able to resist sensory deprivation and twenty other forms of interrogation, too." He flung a children's alligator plushie into the cage and watched the mongooses ream it apart. "Ooh, I think that one has rabies; awesome."

"You really need bloodthirsty mongooses to help the guys?"

"Yes. And next, I'll take my chosen warriors back to my headquarters, where I'll put them through a rigorous crash course in Krav Maga and engineer a genetic supplement to boost their strength, agility, and endurance to supernatural levels. And just when the other Cids think they'll never be able to fend off the snakes, I'm going to swoop in with my mongooses and rescue them at the last possible moment, astonishing all the onlookers. I'm going to be the best Cid yet!"

Shera looked dubious. "That sounds awfully elaborate, if you don't mind me saying so. Me, I'd just show up and introduce myself."

"No! I've already embarassed myself being late, now everything's got to be perfect to make up for it."

She wondered if he really thought this mission required so many finely trained small mammals or if he was just looking for an excuse to stay out of the action. "Oh, stop beating around the bush. You can't expect to be a perfect ten from the start; everyone's got to practice before they get better. Mediocrity is temporary, but delays can be forever."

None of her comments affected him in the slightest. "No way. I'm the twelfth Cid; I've got to at least go to eleven." He shoved his vicious mongooses--one of which promptly attempted to chomp off his hand--into a cardboard box and headed for the counter. Phase One completed. "Now I need a costume. What else eats snakes?"

* * *

Back on the moon, Laguna and the odd-numbered Cids had taken refuge inside a cave they'd found. While the cave gave them shelter from the wandering monsters, it introduced a new nuisance: the cave's pre-verbal inhabitants, who hummed incessantly as they scurried about in their bright yellow pants and caps. The Hummingway Tribe's mildly out-of-tune renditions of "We Didn't Start the Fire," while initially amusing, turned annoying when it became apparent that none of them knew any other songs.

Finally, the transmission from the Lunar Whale came. "Hey, guys, we're looking at the moon right now through the Space Binoculars," Cid IV reported. "These are pretty cool."

They then heard Number Ten's voice. "Whoa, move it over to the left. I can see the Ragnarok ... and there's the Vieras' mochi factory."

"Quit screwin' around and get us off this dumb rock," Cid VII snapped into the radio. "I'm tired of these moon people and how much they keep humming. Matter of fact, it's all humming. I'm sick of it."

"Guys, I just found a huge rock that looks like a face. How much do you think NASA will pay me to keep quiet about this?"

Cid VII had started digging through his pockets for a Silence Materia when the Lunar Whale finally touched down outside the Hummingways' cave. Number Eight poked his head out of the airlock. "Hope you're all right, Laguna, sir."

Laguna had no complaints. Grinning, he replied, "Hey, you Cids are great. I just hope you can get the Ragnarok online."

"Of course!" Number Four said. "There's no airship that a Cid can't repair." He poked his head back inside the Whale. "Hey, Fat Chocobo, you got any spare adamantite in there?"

"Sure. Fresh off the tortoise, in fact."

"Great. Man, where do you keep all that stuff, anyway?"

Fat Chocobo handed over several pieces of sheet metal. "Trust me; you're better off not knowing."

The even numbered Cids filed off the Lunar Whale to commence repairing the Ragnarok. As soon Number Six set foot on the bording ramp, the Hummingways went berserk. In an instant, the entire cave was emptied as every single Hummingway flocked outside and mobbed the Lunar Whale as if Number Six were a rock star getting off his private jet. Dozens of voices joined in a jubilant hum. The sole Hummingway who could speak actual vowels translated. "Our legends tell of us a day when a Great One from the Blue Planet will arrive dressed in yellow to lead us to the next phase of our existence." He bowed to Number Six. "O Master, the Hummingway Tribe has bore your colors for centuries in anticipation of your coming. Your will is our command."

Seven took refuge behind a rock to hide his snickering.

Number Six, however, saw a source of cheap, exploitable laborers with funny hats. "OK, uh, guys, that's great. I've got a new job for you. We need some help fixing our ship." He whispered to the translator, "These guys know anything about aerospace engineering? Because it would really help us if --"

He stopped speaking when he saw two Hummingways push through the crowd, carrying the charred corpse of a small dragon over their heads. They dumped the dragon at his feet and hummed a joyous tune. "The Hummingway Tribe hopes its humble offering will please your palate, O Great One," the translator spoke.

"Um... thanks. Anyway, listen, I'm sorry I can't stay with you long, but ... the Great One must return to the, uh, Blue Planet. The, uh, dark forces of Humbaba are massing. Humageddon is at end." He hoped none of them questioned their Great One on his off-the-cuff theology.

Fortunately, the Hummingway Tribe seemed willing to believe anything that came from the mouth of their lost Great One. If they needed to get the Ragnarok ready in time for the apocalypse, they were only too happy to help. They joyfully set about repairing Cid IV's "Vessel of God" with much pirouetting and frantic dashing about. With the Cids and Hummingways collaborating, the entire repair job took a mere half hour.

Cid VI was greatly impressed by his mortal followers. "Good work, gentlemen. And ladies? I can't tell." He procured the two snake charming flutes. "In return, I'll give you a new instrument. No more humming. How 'bout that?"

The translator looked alarmed at this assertation but dutifully reproduced the message. As soon as word got out, an angry buzz-like hum rose from the Hummingways. Worried, Number Six looked to his guide. "What's going on?"

"They're saying 'He has come to take away our traditions! The Great One is a fraud! The elders have told us lies!'" the translator explained. Then he headbutted Number Six in the shin. "Die, foreign oppressor!"

"Peco tweep!" yelped Peco.

While the Hummingways formed into an angry, humming mob, the Cids beat a hasty retreat out of the tribe's territory. "Way to go, Number Six," Eight said. "I think you just destroyed their entire cosmology."

"Yeah, well, we stopped the snakes and got the airship fixed; those are the important parts." It had taken them a while to get their act together again, but now they'd fallen back into their old groove.

The Cids sorted through their belongings before departing. "So ... case closed, I guess?" T.G. Cid said.

"Eh, I'll feel better when we've tracked down the culprit," Five replied. "We still don't know who did this. They might be planning another attack as we speak."

"Yeah, we'd better head back to the bunker and plan our next move."

Laguna shook his head. "Man, you guys are really somethin'."

"Well, we're the Cids. Fighting crime and fixing airships are our duties," Two said. "You just don't know because Number Eight doesn't do either."

"Hey, I fight crime."

A new airship, foreign to all the Cids, circled overhead. Wary, with weapons at the ready, they watched it touch down a few yards away. A man in a stylized ocelot mask and swishy green cape jumped off the airship. A small army of mongooses, some frothing at the mouth, followed him. "Having snake trouble, my friends? Revolver Ocelot is here to deliver you from ophiomorphic hell with my mythril revolver and army of genetically modified mongooses."

"We're cool, actually," Cid IV said. "We stole all their snake charming gear. Could have used you a couple hours ago, though."

"NO!" The man sounded like his entire world had just collapsed. He flung his revolver against the moon rocks and released a sound halfway between a roar and a sob. "DAMMIT! If I hadn't spent so long on this costume..."

"That's already a guy, by the way," Eleven said. "Revolver Ocelot. He works for the La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo."

"GOD! SHIT! WHY?" Sobbing, "Revolver Ocelot" fled back onto his airship with his army of mongooses and blasted off.

Cid VII was so shocked he forgot to swear.

Number Two snorted. "At least we don't have a guy like that in the Cids. Probably wandered out of Chrono Cross or somethin'."

"That reminds me," Four said. "Big news, everyone. Number Two's dead."

"Goodness, he was talking a half-second ago! It was so sudden!" Eight gasped. "Hold on a second ... he's still there."

For the second time that day, Two elaborated his departure from and return to the world of the living with the same smugness that had accompanied his first explanation.

"Hmm," Ten mused. "This couldn't have anything to do with the people who are after us now, could it? Two, how much do you remember about when you died?"

"Not much."

"Damn."

"Well, forgive for me for not having a photographic memory when I was getting torn apart by 300 mile-an-hour winds, Sonny Boy, but I had other things on my mind. So unless one of you invented some rubbish time machine behind my back, yer out of luck."

Well, they didn't have a time machine, but if they could merely revisit the past ... Cid VIII turned to Laguna's niece. "Ellone, would you be able to send us back in time to Cid II's era?"

"I can't guarantee your safety, but yes."

Eight looked to Cid II with a inquisitory raised eyebrow, testing whether or not he would to agree to this trip. "Fine," Cid II said. "I'm only taking three of you, though. You show up in my era with twenty playable characters, people'd look at you funny."

After some debate, it was settled that Numbers Six, Seven, and Nine would accompany Two back in time to the allegedly halcyon days of his youth. While the other Cids looked on, Ellone pressed her special powers into service to transmit the Cids back in time. Sleepiness swept over the adventuring party; they topped right over and fell asleep right on the moon rocks, their minds voyaging to another time.

* * *

Soon the four Cids found themselves in Cid II's hometown of Poft, nearly twenty years in the past. Cid II stretched his arms in an expansive gesture of embrace. "Ah, just like I left it. Now you youngins get a taste of what real adventurin' was like, before the rugrats ruined everything with their Eff-Ay-Qus and talking help fairies." He waved his hand at the citizenry, most of whom were aimlessly milling about the town. "Bet none of these folks would give you more than two sentences to say to us."

"Welcome to Poft! I feel so good! If you're looking for --"

Cid II helped up a hand. "That's enough, sonny. Thanks."

The four Cids wandered the town, interrogating the townspeople for clues about Cid II's assassination. Since Number Two would not let anyone speak more than two sentences, they acquired little useful information. Eventually, their search led them to the magic shop, where a band of four adventurers were apparently not learning spells from leveling up after all. "Hey there," Cid VI greeted them. "You seen any bad guys lately?"

The adventurers looked skeptical, perhaps because one of these would-be heroes was wearing a bright yellow raincoat and another had a mustache that made no fewer than two right angles. "You guys not from around here?" their leader, Firion, said.

"Not really, no."

"All right, here's we do things 'round here. The way I figure, the only way to get tougher is suffer through a few hardships first. So before you go out to fight any bad guys, you gotta take some punches from your own team. Like this." Number Six suddenly found himself on the receiving end of a sudden punch to the gut. It was the most brutal punch he'd ever experienced. He gave a brief sob and then just crumpled to the ground. There he lay, gasping for breath and clutching his stomach.

"OK ... and now I'm tough enough to take on the bad guys, right?"

"Nah, you need to do this another couple hundred times," Firion said, and kicked him in the face.

Cid VII yanked the cigarette out of his mouth. "What the shit is this, Number Two? You've spent years telling us you grew up in a magical happy land where medieval adventurers pranced through twenty-floor dungeons and candy canes grew on trees of emeralds and instead it's just the @#$% Fight Club."

"Yeah, well, at least there's none of your high-falutin' guns and automobiles!"

A giant flying warship soared overhead.

"You're so full of crap, Number Two!" Seven cast cast Firaga on Two, setting his trousers ablaze. "Liar, liar, pants on fire!"

"Don't you young punks tell me what a Cid is supposed to be!" Two grabbed Seven by his collar and shoved him against the wall of the magic shop.

Cid IX rushed over. "Whoa, whoa, guys, break it up!"

"Stay out of this, Number Nine!" Cid VII hit Two in the face with a right hook and put him in a headlock. The two Cids fell to the ground, beating the stuffing out of each other and exchanging insults.

"I hear there's a job opening at Medieval Times with your name on it!"

"Lighting dynamite with a cigarette? You're all flash, no substance, sonny."

"Don't forget, you're talking to the Cid of the Year!" Cid VII shouted as he kneed Cid II in the gut. "The order would've gone to hell a long time ago if it wasn't for me!"

Cid II punched him in the neck. "No, the Order went to hell as soon you joined!"

"%!*&@$% you!"

After pummeling each other to the verge of losing consciousness, they finally tumbled apart and collapsed on the ground, breathing hard and bruised all over. Nine and Six--the latter still clutching at his side--had stood watching from the sidelines the whole time. Neither of them knew what to say.

Firion whistled. "OK, you two are definitely ready now."

ACT TWO: Ivalician Democracy

Having failed to uncover any clues in Number Two's era, the team headed back to Rocket Town to regroup. When the Cids first saw the unruly mob filling the town's streets, they thought their secret hideout had been compromised. Then they realized the crowd was not centered around the Shanghai Inn, but was, in fact, picketing Cid VII's house. Waving aloft placards--"AIRSHIPS: UNSAFE AT ANY SPEED" and "GROUND THEM FOR LIFE"--the protestors had surrounded the house from all sides, trapping in Shera in the front yard. Their apparent leader demanded answers. "What do you have to say to all the parents who let their children and virtual pets ride your hellish machina contraptions, believing that airships couldn't be attacked by enemies?" he bellowed at Shera. "When will your end your campaign of LIES and DECEIT?"

"Damn, the Amish are gettin' unruly," Seven said with a whistle.

Cid X, however, had already seen this scene far too many times. "They're Yevon," he explained with a weary sigh.

The Cids approached the house, prompting the lead protestor to turn his gaze towards them. It was only then Cid VII recognized him, for the man's oddly colored robes resembled nothing Cid had ever seen him wear before. The triangular pointy hair, however, was a giveaway. Cid uttered a stream of expletives. "Palmer?"

"Hey-hey! Guess what, Cid? I've finally seen the light! Since the space program collapsed, I've repented of my old ways and realized that an addiction to machina can NEVER replace devotion to Yevon. Now I'm using my influence to promote Yevon's word and speak out against the dangers of the lever, the pulley, and the inclined plane."

"You've got to be *%$%@in' kiddin' me."

Palmer, however, could not be more serious. "No!" he bellowed, already red in the face from his font size=+2 attempt to awaken the infidels of Rocket Town to their deviant ways. "Cid, if man were meant to fly, they wouldn't have given wings to just the bishounen. That's why our space project failed! It was an abomination against Yevon!" He offered a leaflet to Cid VII. "Here's a leaflet describing some Yevon-approved alternatives to machina flight, like giant birds, Gummi Ships, and teleportation. No machines there; it's all magic."

Cid VII immediately wadded the leaflet up and unceremoniously shoved it in his back pocket. "@*#$%, you're crazy! Cids and airships go together like you and lard!"

Palmer would have none of it. "Seven attacks on airships in one week, Cid! Isn't that proof enough that we shouldn't be flying on them? Sin may be gone, but in its place Yevon has sent a plague of snakes to punish the sowers of wicked machina. Airships make you a frequent flyer--to hell."

"Can I punch him, Pops? Please, can I punch him?"

Palmer squinted at her. "Gadzooks! Cid, do you realize this woman is one of the Al Bhed? Don't be taken in by her green-eyed wiles; these people are out to destroy Yevon society! Who knows when they'll command their AIBOs to rise up and strike against us?"

Rikku was, in fact, about to strike against him at that very moment, but she had to step out of the way of the Mognet mail truck turning the street corner.

"Cid, I'm your friend; I'm telling you this because I don't want to see you devoured by a snake," Palmer pleaded. "Society has become a cesspool of internal combustion engines! Machina will never be safe. Ground your airships now or face collision with the WRATH OF YEVON!"

He was so wrapped up in his angry fulminations that he did not notice the honking horn growing louder and louder. When he failed to move, the mail truck slammed into him, sending him flying over Cid's house with a wail of, "Oh NOOOOOOOOO!" This was followed some seconds later by a loud crash and a groan.

Cursing the vile machina that had attacked their leader, the protestors to dispersed, vowing to return once Palmer left traction.

Shera brushed aside the cartoon anti-machina tracts ("The Electric Toothbrush: Time-Saving Convenience or Insidious Al Bhed Plot?") that had been left atop the mailbox and took the day's mail from the mailman. "So did you learn anything from Number Two's memory?"

"We didn't really make it that far," Six said.

"Yeah, damn right we learned something," Seven said as he lit a cigarette. "We learned that Number Two is a lying sack of #&*$%."

They started towards the secret base, Shera sorting through the mail as they walked. "By the way," she said, "Number Twelve finally stopped by while you were out. He said he was going to catch up with you, but then he came back and wouldn't say anything about where he'd been. Did you run into him?"

Surprised that the mysterious Number Twelve had, in fact, shown his face, the Cids all indicated that they hadn't received the slightest word from him.

"Well, hmm. He kept ... wait, actually, here's a letter from him right now." She yanked the letter--addressed to "The Order " and with "Number Twelve" for a return address--out of the mail. When they reached the Cids' headquarters, she first put Number Seven's tea on the burner to boil and then opened up the envelope.

"'Dear colleagues,'" she read. "'I'm sure you've been waiting anxiously for Cid Number Twelve to join your Order. I am writing to inform you that I am unable to accept the position at this time. I apologize for the delay, but I have been under a lot of stress and have not been feeling well. Also, a blizzard delayed my airship, and a feral badger chewed up all my best clothes.

"'I know you are anxiously anticipated my appearance. However, at this time, I do not feel I am "feature complete" and ready to join the Cids. My friends assure me that I will only embarass myself if I appear in public before I gain crucial swordfighting skills and, of course, more pig cops. Therefore, I plan to debut "when I'm ready."

"'I am sure that you will get on just fine without me and you probably don't need my help in the slightest. I don't want to be a burden on you, so I have decided to return to Ivalice and continue my training until I can rejoin you with an improved skill set and pig cops.

"'Sincerely,
Number Twelve'"

Shera lowered the paper, indicating that this was the end of the letter.

"You've got to be kidding!" Cid V immediately exclaimed. "You can't just play hooky on the Order like that! We'd better go find him and haul him back ASAP."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Seven couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You're not thinking of dropping everything to look for this moron? We got more important %*%& to worry about, like tracking down whoever's behind all the snake attacks! Didn't you see the @#$&in' Moral Majority up there? We gotta close this case or Fatman Palmer will be picketing my house 'til he runs out of lard!"

"We can't do anything when we're down a man," Five said.

"Yeah," Cid II said. "Goodness knows the last thing we need are more Cids, but you know as well I do that a Cid's duties are to fix airships and fight crime. This guy quit his post and he didn't hold down the Reset button when he did it. I move we haul him in and discipline him immediately."

"I move we strike Number Two from the roster because he's dead," Cid VII snapped back.

"Whoa, whoa," Eleven said. "I'm dead too, and, besides, there's no need to make this personal. That was some seriously un-Cid-like conduct, Seven."

He didn't take too kindly to that comment. "Don't you guys keep #@!$in' telling me what's un-Cid-like!" he shouted back. "I'm the number one Cid; you guys would be nothing without me! Who brought you all together in the first place? Who runs the Very Secret Emergency Line? Whose broad makes our goddamn tea? Who brings cookies to the meetings?"

"Number Four."

"Yeah, Number Four brought the cookies last time."

"OK, fine, you got me on that, but c'mon! I'm the Cid of the #*$&*%#%in' year! I'm all the Cid you need! If you really want more Cids, maybe you should think about cloning me instead of recruiting more Ren Faire blowhards like Cid II."

"Guys, guys, guys," Cid IV intervened. "No fighting. We need to resolve this in a marginally more civilized way ... democracy! All those in favor of going to Ivalice to find Number Twelve, wark like a chocobo."

This proved to be everyone except Seven and Ten.

Ten shrugged. "Fine, Ivalice first, then we'll continue the sabotage investigation."

But Cid VII was not so ready to concede defeat. "Wait!" he said, hauling himself up from his slouch to sit upright. "Number Eleven didn't vote."

"Yeah, he pinged out."

"OK, well ... I bet T.G. agrees with me. Right?"

"Come on, you know I'm an adjunct," T.G. said. "'No airship, no vote.' And, for the record, I think we'd better find Number Twelve on the double. If he doesn't know what's going on, his airship could be a target. He might be in trouble right now."

"Fine, how about Ten's kid? Ten should count double."

"Yeah," Rikku welcomed this sudden attention. "Frankly, I think I'm more of a Cid than some 'guy' on a computer network."

"Seven, even if Eleven and Rikku and T.G. all voted with you, you'd still lose."

"I demand a recount!"

Cid IV looked almost apologetic for getting his way. "Sorry, Seven. Ivalice it is."

Number Seven blew his top. He jumped up, kicked the leg of the table, and released an unending stream of vulgarities. For @#$& *$(#*$ $&@(#$ sake, you @(*#$ *&!%# !#%!&# $*&#$& sons of @#!& @#*!# (*($#($! &*&#^ #$^&#$ ^&#@#^& @%^@# $^&#$ ^&#@ the @#^&#^$ you @^&*#$ !&^@#$& #$&^#$& !&^@#& @&#*$ sit on @&*#$ @#^&! that @$^&#$ !&^#$& !&^@#& #$&^#$ !&^&#, @&^#$&--@*&$*#$ @&^#$& @&^#$--@#$& %^@#!@ #$^&@$ your GODDAMN TEA!" Kicking his chair aside, he stomped out the door, pausing to shout over his shoulder, "You can go traipsing around Ivalice all you want now, because I quit!"

It took a moment before any of them were willing to speak. "Well, now we're down two men."

"And plus one woman," Rikku insisted. "By the way, you still haven't told me why there's no Number One."

Cid VII rushed back into the room, tore his Cid of the Year plaque off the wall, and then re-stormed out.

"Well, a decision's a decision," Number Four said with a heavy sigh. "We'd better track down Number Twelve. We need him now more than ever."

* * *

"I couldn't do it." Number Twelve stumbled back into the bar, where the game of war did not appear to be any closer to reaching an end. "There was no way I was going to show my face after screwing up that badly. I'm going to have to start my training all over before I join the Order."

"Good man," Axl clapped a hand against his back. "Nothing wrong with a little procrastination. Why put off 'til tomorrow what you can worry about next week?"

"Yeah, you're only human," Duke said. "Unless you're a pig cop, of course."

"I suppose," Cid XII said. But right now, he felt a little too human. He slid into his seat and picked up the beer he hadn't finished. "Hey, either of you guys want to buy a dozen mongooses? Mongeese, even?"

"Hell, you know what you need to do, Cid?" Duke said as he collected another pair of cards. "You need a vacation. You worked hard this morning, man. You should take the rest of the month off."

"Yeah, how about Madagascar?" Axl said. "I was thinking of going there to get away from the I.R.S."

Duke turned up his next card to reveal the three of spades, which lost to Axl's five of hearts. "I dunno, Axl. Does Madagascar even have pig cops?"

"Eh, I don't even feel like going on vacation," Cid moped. "I think I'm just going to head home, stick a bucket over my head, and pretend the world doesn't exist."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Axl protested. "That was our idea."

* * *

The Cids' first stop in their hunt for Number Twelve was the Gariland Magic Academy. There, a professor gave them marginally coherent directions to a local bar at which a man named Cid was reported to hang out. Hilda was not too excited to hear this. "I don't care if they claim they're only serving juice; you're not taking Eiko."

"I can come, right?" Rikku prodded. "I made a fake ID; it says my name is Janean O'Coopernickel and I work for Bob's Bait, Tackle and Games in San Francisco."

While Hilda and Eiko waited on board Cid IV's airship, the Enterprise, the Cids headed into Gariland to track down who they hoped was their new comrade. They found him at a table in the corner of the bar, glowering at the wall and downing alcohol like it was going out of style. Soon he found himself surrounded by ten Cids and one Janean. "Hey. We're the Cids. Are you Number Twelve?"

"I think so," the man said. "I'm definitely a Cid. 'round here, people usually call me Cid T.A. - 'Tactics Advance.'"

The disappointment was instantaneous. The ten Cids encircling him with great interest a second ago immediately rose and dispersed, grumbling and impatient. "Oh, for crying out loud." "What a waste of time." "This isn't Number Twelve; this is just some punk wannabe."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, jerks." Cid T.A. turned away and resumed drowning his sorrows in imported Paan (slogan: "Al Bhed for Beer").

Out of leads again, the Cids shuffled out of the bar. On the way out, a long-haired man from Valendia stopped them. Introducing himself as Ashley, he inquired about their mission. "I thought I overheard you saying you were looking for a Cid...?"

"Yeah, do you know one?"

"I know a Sydney."

"Hmm, that's Japanese for Cid II; we'd better check it out."

With Ashley as their guide, the Cids loaded everyone back onto the Enterprise and set their course for the cursed city of Leà Monde, far away on the other side of the Ivalice. While Mid continued writing in his journal, T.G. Cid leaned over the railing and watched the medieval villages and church spires of his homeland pass in clusters on the ground. Coming from a technologically impoverished world, he had never experienced air travel before he joined the Cids and still found himself impressed by things such as airship, robots, and riding lawnmowers.

The Enterprise came up on Leà Monde. Despite its reputation as a haven for the undead and a conflux for the powers of the Dark, the city looked normal enough from the outside. Bushy trees and a tall cathedral rose over the gold-tinted brick walls of the city. They parked the airship on the far side of the woods surrounding the city and headed for the gates. "Wow, this is exactly what life must have been like in Balamb five hundred years ago," Cid VIII commented. "Whoa, Number Three, watch out for that Damascus Crab."

Ashley unlocked a gate in the city walls and led them inside. "If I know Sydney, we'll probably find him in the cathedral," he remarked as he casually pummelled the undead guardsmen with shots from his "Cramagram" crossbow.

"OK. You lead the way."

Ashley guided them through the narrow city streets, which zig-zagged between buildings and across rivers in every pattern except a straight line. Before long, they arrived at the large cathedral in the center of town. "We'll see if he's in the mood for visitors," Ashley said, flinging open the great double doors.

As soon as the party had assembled inside the cathedral, the doors magically slammed shut and locked themselves. "Hello, Cids," boomed a deep voice that was definitely not Sydney's. "Welcome to die!" Cid IV could have hit himself in the face with his hammer. How had they walked into a trap this blindly? What had happened to that battle-hardened Cid savvy?

The far wall of the chamber moved with an awful grinding noise. The room grew gradually smaller as the wall inched forward, threatening to crush the Cids. Cid IV rushed forward, leaned against the moving wall, and then downed a potion. As soon as he drank the potion, his skin began to harden and turn to gray, and soon he was nothing more than a stone statue. Unable to push the stone Cid out of the way, the wall ceased its forward movement. The crisis was over.

Grieving, Ashley hung his head. "He was a brave man. What a loss."

The Cids, however, were unconcerned. "Eh, Number Four pulls stuff like this all the time," Six said. "He'll find some way to be back right as rain before you know it."

Even after the moving wall had been stopped, however, the doors behind them remained shut. Cid X attempted to force the doors open, but found them magically immobilized. "Can we call for reinforcements?" he suggested.

"No, I am the reinforcements."

"Might want to reinforce your pants, sonny boy," Cid II muttered. "You look like a Chippendales dancer."

Ten gave up on trying to force the doors. "Eight, can you get in touch with Eleven?"

Cid VIII hadn't even bothered to take out his laptop. "Probably not. I don't suppose this cathedral is wired for wi-fi, is it?"

Ashley shrugged. "No, but there should be another way." He checked his map. "OK ... it looks like we're in 'During the Crippled Squirrel's Identity Crisis.' We need to pass through 'Slain by a Diseased Aardvark' and 'When the Pawn Hits the Conflict' to 'Where the Accountant Lost His Rolodex,' go up the stairs to 'Blackmarket of Kool-Aid,' and then we should be able to take the back door."

But when they reached "Blackmarket of Kool-Aid," the doors locked again, sealing them in the cathedral atrium. Large white blocks tumbled down the stairs and, upon, striking the floor, assembled themselves into vaguely humanoid shapes. "Haha!" the mysterious voice cackled. "We know your weakness, Cids ... my Styrofoam Golems are immune to physical attacks and biodegradation. Why don't you attack them with your magic? Oh, that's right, the Cids don't have any."

"Number Seven can use ... oh, dammit."

The Styrofoam Golems formed into ranks and marched on the Cids. One of the Golems brandished a pair of Nerf guns and pummeled Cid II until he fell and dissolved into pyreflies. Cackling, he reformed and was back on his feet in moments. T.G. Cid lunged forward and, bellowing awkwardly worded battle cries, assailed the golems with Shellbust Stabs and Holy Explosions. But even his most advanced sword techniques succeeded only in knocking the tiniest chip off one Golem's shoulder block.

The Golems started to close in on the Cids, forcing them to retreat through an archway to "You Have Just Won 100,000 Gil, Click Here to Claim Your Prize." "Maybe Peco has some hidden power he can reveal in our hour of need," Mid suggested.

"Puddy tweep?"

"Or, uh, not."

"Why do you have a turnip for a sidekick, anyway?" Ashley asked.

"The WonderSwan I bought turned out not to be an actual bird," Three explained.

Rikku sprung over the line of Golems and turned to attack from behind. Even from the rear, however, her daggers could not pierce the golems' polystyrene hide. She scowled at the monsters as one of her daggers broke off in a Golem thigh. "Geez, if I'd known you were going to be this helpless, I would have brought my Garment Grid." She realized now she had come woefully unprepared to Take Your Daughter to Work Day, but she didn't think Pops actually did anything at work.

A loud thud turned the Cids' attention to their rear. A giant purple bird had slammed against the stained glass window behind them. The bird backed up, demolished the window with a magic spell, and then flew in to a landing on the atrium floor, where it dissolved and was replaced by five blonde, winged girls. The Ninas immediately launched a storm of magic attacks against the Styrofoam Golems, pulverizing them into white chips with fireballs and lightning bolts. By the time they were finished, pieces of styrofoam covered every visible surface and the atrium looked like it had just buried beneath a a synthetic snow flurry.

"OK, who's ready for a trip to the landfill?" said Nina II.

Cid III nodded to their rescuers. "Thanks ... it's good to see you girls again. Rikku, Ashley, these are our friends, the Ninas. We helped them get their start and taught them to be Nina team. They fought with us against ... well, against one of our enemies."

Nina I sheathed her rapier. "Geez, there's so many of you guys now," she said. "And here we were all excited just because we were going portable."

"Tell me about it!" Cid II snorted. "Kids these days won't stop with this forty-thousand-player massively multiplayer online hullabaloo. Back in my day, 'massively multiplayer' meant playing Burger Time while two of my friends watched."

"Well, we're glad you showed up when you did," Three said. "What are you doing in Ivalice?"

"We're trying to track down the Mini Grimoire, a pocket-sized reference to the occult powers of the Dark," Nina IV said. By way of explanation, she added, "Like Two said, we're trying to make all our operations portable."

"I see." He scanned the battle site. Cid VIII was gathering up some of the Golem pieces to use for packing supplies. "We came here looking for our Number Twelve, but some bad guy trapped us inside."

"They're probably on the roof; bad guys love roofs," Nina II said. "Wanna take a look?"

The Ninas clasped hands and transformed back into a bird. Clinging tightly to its feathers, the Cids and Ashley hitched a ride on the bird's back and flew out the shattered window and up. Sure enough, atop the cathedral roof, they found their culprit: a bulky mercenary clutching a tiny magical tome to his chest.

Ashley looked surprised. "Tieger?"

He held up his hands in protest. "I had no idea you'd be involved in this, Riskbreaker! They paid me to set a trap for the Cids, that's all!"

"Who paid you?"

"I dunno! Some mysterious, shadowy figure."

"What did they look like?"

"Shadowy," said Tieger. "And mysterious. He told me he'd let me control the Dark if I took out the Cids, but you can have this stupid book." He flung the Mini Grimoire down at their feet. "I'm renouncing the hate-filled ways of the darkness. I believe in a thing called love!" So repenting, he fled down the stairs to the cathedral interior.

T.G. Cid, sword still at the ready, scanned the roof. "We'd better make sure there aren't any more of them."

"Unlikely," Ashley said. "There's at least one wonderful thing about Tieger: he's the only one."

Sydney emerged from the stairwell, his metal hands clicking together in applause. "Well done, Riskbreaker. Tieger was a fool. Anyone who thinks he can control the Dark with a paperback is in for a Rood awakening."

"Where in blazes have you been, Sydney?" Ashley said. "These men came here to see you and were almost slain!"

Sydney held up a small piece of fabric. "Apologies. My hands got stuck trying out this Chinese finger trap that John gave me. I don't believe it was made for people with claws."

"Are you Twelve?"

"I'm twenty-seven," Sydney sounded offended. "I had to try the finger trap because it was a gift, all right?"

"No, I mean ... are you Cid XII?" Ten prodded. "Do you own an airship? Hammers and explosives are also preferred but not required."

Sydney remained dubious. "Airship? I have a wyvern." He shook his head. "I'm sorry; I believe you must be thinking of someone else."

"Well, have you invented anything? Been a source of wisdom for any young adventurers?"

Cid IV wandered up the stairs and waved to his friends. "Hey, guys! Sydney turned me back to flesh with his magic."

The Cids all turned to Sydney. "Wait, you have magic powers?"

"Naturally," Sydney said, looking quite impatient with these clueless lunkheads.

This disappointed them greatly. "Well, that settles it. This can't be the Cid we're looking for, either," Cid IX said with a sigh. "I guess it's back to base, everyone."

* * *

Meanwhile, the former Cid VII had just arrived in Traverse Town to embark on his solo career. To hell with democracy. He could out-Cid any of those bozos ... plus he could light a stick of dynamite from his cigarette. How cool was that?

And while he might not have leads on the airship saboteurs, he could at least ensure that Palmer's anti-machina campaign never got any further off the ground than the Shinra-26. Following the pamphlet Palmer had handed him, he'd tracked down the manufacturer of these "Gummi Ships" things so he could to give them a piece of mind about their supposed technological advances. But even in this remote part of the multiverse, it wasn't long before he encountered some familiar faces. "Oh, it's Yuffie. And Squall."

"Don't call me that!" Squall snapped. When Cid looked startled, he explained, "I've created a new identity for myself. Squall Leonhart was too big a name with too many enemies. I don't want anyone here to have the slightest idea who I used to be, so if anyone asks, I'm Leon Squallhart."

Cid nodded. "So that's how you fool them. You just quit SeeD, right? Guess we're in the same boat now."

"Yeah, I moved out here to scrounge up some jobs with my new partner." He nodded towards Yuffie.

"Her?"

Yuffie pouted. "Gawd, don't look at me like that. I ran away from Wutai again 'cause I didn't want to spend all day working in my dad's stupid office."

Cid passed them the Yevon pamphlet. "Well, you guys know anything about some Gummi Ship nonsense? Buncha Yevon %#$!@heads have been talking crap about our airships and recommending these instead. I need to dig up some dirt."

Squall nodded down the street. "Oh, yeah, the Gummi Ship factory is right over there. I think there's an abandoned item shop too; maybe you could rent that out while you work on your investigation."

"Thanks, Squall." Cid jogged off, torso still tilted freakishly backwards.

"LEON! It's LEON!" Irked, Squall took another long look at the "WANTED" poster he hadn't been standing in front of, the one that listed all the Cids. He hadn't had any intention to turn any of them in, but if Cid was going to blow his cover in public like that ... well, he had he to protect himself somehow, right?

He grabbed a nearby pay phone. "Yeah, I found your man."

* * *

Following their escape from Leà Monde, the Cids returned to their Rocket Town bunker despite the absence of the bunker's original creator. It was a grim time for the Order. None of the Cids could deny that the mission to Ivalice was a disastrous failure: they hadn't managed to locate Cid XII, and even though they'd neutralized the snake threat, someone was still out to get them. "What happened in Leà Monde was no accident," Cid IV said. "Whoever was responsible knew us well enough to attack our weakness--and they somehow knew we were coming."

"We have a leak," Cid V summed up their thoughts.

"Time to grab the plumber," Ten said.

"Yeah, I never trusted that guy, either."

Cid II, as usual, had plenty to grumble about. "This is why we shouldn't have all these useless sidekicks running around. The only helper a Cid really needs is a monkey wrench. How do we know all these hangers-on are really on our side?"

Rikku could not help but feel this comment was directed at her. "Right, like I'd waste my time leaking information about you guys."

"I think it's that turnip," Five proclaimed. "Frankly, I don't trust him."

Cid III wrapped his arms around his sidekick as if to shield him from the other Cids' words. "Peco isn't a spy! He's a vegetable!"

"Well, there's only one way to find out for sure."

Ten minutes later, all the non-Cids in the bunker had been lined up outside of the conference room, waiting their turn to be interrogated. Rikku slumped against the wall and looked over at Mid and Eiko. "This is ridiculous. They don't have any reason to think I did anything wrong."

"Don't sweat it," Mid said. "All we're going to do is take a polygraph test."

"Oh, no, I'm going to fail. I can't do math."

"There's no math; you just have to answer embarassing personal questions. Don't worry. Grandpa knows what he's doing."

Meanwhile, inside the conference room, Peco had been hooked up to Cid V's polygraph machine. "OK, let's start off simple. What's your name?"

"Peco! Peco!"

"OK, very good. Has anyone outside the Order asked you about our activities?"

"Putty tweep?"

"Have you ever met with any mysterious shadowy figures?"

"Puddy peco?"

Frustrated, Five brandished the Mini Grimoire. "What's this? Have you ever seen it before today?"

Peco did not appear in the least bit flustered. "Tweep tweep puddy?"

Five shoved a container of silly putty at him. "And what's this?"

"Putty!"

"Do you understand any of what I'm saying?"

"Peco putty tweep!"

Satisfied, Cid V took Peco out of the polygraph machine and ushered him out of the room. "The little dude has an effective vocabulary of, like, three words. He can't be the mole."

Rikku was next in line. Terrified that Number Five would be testing her knowledge of college algebra, she was already hyperventilating and swearing profusely when she sat down.

"What's your name?"

"Janea- uh, Rikku."

The polygraph machine erupted into a spasm of beeping speakers and flashing lights. Rikku jumped. "Are you sure?" Cid V prodded her.

"Yes! I mean no! I mean ... yes."

"Have you ever stolen anything?"

"Four Megalixirs, a Door to Tomorrow, Key Spheres ... geez, where do I start? It was all for a good cause, though, OK?"

"Did anyone outside the Order ask you about our activities?"

"No!"

"Meet with any mysterious shadowy figures?"

"I said no. Can I go?"

"Hang on, just one more question. An airship leaves Junon and flies towards Midgar at 300 miles per hour at the same time a helicopter leaves Midgar and flies --"

He was interrupted by Rikku jumping up and pounding her fist on the table. "You know what? I think the spy is your grandson, because he said there was going to be no math on this and HE LIED."

Cid V checked the polygraph. "Hmm ... looks like you're telling the truth. OK, I'll let you off the hook on that one."

She tapped her foot. "Can I go now?"

"I suppose. But if we still haven't found the mole by the end of the interviews, I'm bringing you back in here. Better brush up on your algebra."

"Maybe there isn't a mole," Rikku said. "Maybe someone planted some kind of bug ... or hacked Number Eleven."

"That's ridiculous," Cid XI said from his monitor. "My checksums are flawless and I've never gone within a thousand yards of Bonzi Buddy."

"Yeah," Five agreed. "Kid, this place is airtight. We know everybody who works here, you'd have to be the size of an oglop to fit through the air ducts, and we don't allow a single cardboard box through the door. And our janitor is illiterate, right?"

"UNGH!" grunted Umaro as he passed with his mop and bucket.

"So it's gotta be one of our hangers-on leaking information," Five concluded.

"What if it's one of the Cids?" Rikku pointed her finger at Cid V. "Maybe it's you. Trying to throw everyone off our trail with this polygraph nonsense."

"No Cid would ever betray the Order! Except ... well, you know, but other than that."

Rikku looked suspicious, but allowed herself to be led out into the bunker lobby. Just outside the door to the conference room, Cid IX and his wife were getting into an altercation: Hilda had just emerged from the ladies' room and was horrified to see her daughter being marched in to take a polygraph. "Cid! You're not letting them put Eiko through this, are you?"

Nine mustered a half-hearted defense, already knowing that he was on the losing end of this argument. "Now, Hilda, you know they have to test everyone; it's only fair..."

This did nothing to placate her. "We all know she's not a spy! And she's six years old; what are you thinking, wiring her up to heaven-only-knows-what?"

"Well ... this is what we do at work, and it's Take Your Daughter to Work Day ... "

"Yes, and she's MY daughter too, you ignorant pig!" Hilda shouted, and brandished a finger at Cid IX. "Ispo, facto, meenie mo MAGICO!" A puff of smoke enveloped him and he once again found himself in the form of an oglop.

"Dear, please, let's <gwok> talk this over a little more!" he squeaked.

Too furious to talk any more, Hilda shepherded Eiko through the door to the bunker playroom, a room seldom used since Miss Pollendina had grown out of Hungry Hungry Shoopufs. They were not followed; the Cids were all far too intimidated to dare facing Hilda's wrath by pursuing the matter further.

While Cid IX continued banging on the door and pleading for Hilda's return, Umaro entered with his mop and trash bucket. Spotting a bug crawling around the floor, he summarily scooped it up and dumped it in the trash bucket. "No! I'm not a bug! I'm <gwok&rt; Cid IX! Put me down!" He banged on the sides of the trash bucket. Umaro, however, took his job quite seriously and was not about to let one noisy insect keep him from taking out the trash.

Pushed by Umaro, the bucket continued its bumpy journey to the other end of the bunker, where Umaro emptied it. As trash of all sorts fell down around Cid's head, he tried to cling to the side of the bucket, lost his grip, and, with a wail, plummeted into the bunker trash compactor. The landing was softer than he expected; he rolled over to see that some spider webs had cushioned his fall. As Umaro turned to return to the bunker and collect more trash, Cid desperately attempted to attract his attention by rearranging the webs to spell out "SOME YETI." This, of course, proved to be a futile gesture, since Umaro was illiterate.

The trash compactor hummed and buzzed. Oglop-Cid hopped into an air duct to escape. Using his sticky oglop legs, he scrambled up the vertical portion of the vent. Now he was above the bunker; it should be easy enough to find a way to drop back in. (Fortunately, oglops always landed on their feet.) He followed the air ducts along. Through the grating below him, he could see each room of the bunker: the storeroom ... the lobby ... Number Seven's smoking lounge ...

As he approached the conference room, he encountered an unexpected presence: a small blue fly wearing a red shirt. The fly had aimed a directional microphone through the grating into the conference room and was attending to the proceedings below with great interest. "A-ha!" Cid IX shouted. They had their mole! Perhaps this was a fortuitous event, after all. He tackled the fly and seized him with his pincers. Biting at each other, they rolled along the air duct until they tumbled through one of the vents. Both oglop and fly fell into the conference room, where Number Five was conducting a leisurely interrogation of Mid. When they hit the ground, the fly managed to push away from Nine and launch himself into the air. "That's <gwok> him!" Nine shouted as the fly buzzed around the room. "That's the spy! Stop him!"

Cid V quickly switched off the overhead light, leaving the fly to spiral towards the flashlight Five was holding up. "I feel ... strangely drawn to you," the fly mumbled. When he approached the flashlight, Number Five slammed a glass jar against the wall, trapping the fly inside.

"Gotcha! Now, how about you tell us who you're working for? Otherwise, we have ... ways of making you talk." He held up a large flyswatter.

The bug did not look as intimidated as Five had hoped. "Which Cid are you? Number Negative One?" he jeered. "It doesn't matter. Not even Number Four could get a peep out of me from unless you guarantee me full immunity first."

"Immunity from what?"

"Everything! Espionage, possession of contraband items, reckless driving, jaywalking, yak smuggling, failure to appear in court. The works."

"We can't do that." Number Five scowled through the glass at him. "Mid, hand me the magnifying glass."

"NO!" The bug squealed and thrashed about in fear. "I'll talk! I'll talk!"

"Good. What do you work for?"

"Money. Fame. Sense of job satisfaction."

"No, I mean, what organization do you work for? Who's calling the shots?"

"I don't know," the bug said. "I get all my orders from anonymous phone calls. As long as I get my munny, I don't need to know any more."

"You're lying!"

The bug laughed. "That's all you're getting out of me. The Cids, ha! You guys are always such squares; you don't have a prayer of stopping an operation like ours."

By this time, word had gotten around and the other Cids were beginning to file into the room to check out the recently apprehended spook. "We found a mole," Five explained to them.

"Looks more like a fly to me," Six said.

"See, I told you we'd been bugged," Rikku sounded exasperated.

Cid X pushed his way through the crowd. He squatted in front the glass jar and squinted at the tiny spy contained within. "Who's this little fellow?"

"That's what we're trying to figure out," Five said. "He's not cooperating."

"Uh, Dad," Rikku said. "That little guy? That's Zipper, from the old Chip 'n Dale show. I mean ... duhhhh."

"...Chip and Dale?"

* * *

When Cid VII came to, he was lying on his back, his head throbbing and his body bruised. No sooner had he set foot in the item shop than someone had jumped him from behind and clobbered him over the head with something like a wrench. He must be losing his touch.

As his shaky vision cleared, raised his aching head to survey his captors. It was obvious he was in some type of workshop -- but not the airship workshop that was the natural habitat of the Cid. Instead, it appeared that the Chip and Dale were using their workshop to build aircraft out of large gelatinous blocks. The two chipmunks were tinkering with a stack of blocks, while Gepetto and Pinocchio sketched out new ship designs at their workbench. From his elevated office, Scrooge McDuck kept one eye on the workshop and the other on a television broadcast of the ongoing protests outside Cid VII's house.

Cid rose to confront them, only to realize that his ankle was chained to a large barrel. "I don't @#!^% believe it," he swore. "Laid out and chained up by a bunch of &*^#$ chipmunks." He rattled his chain to attract their attention. "HEY! What the ^&#!@ do you want from me?" Whoever these punks were, he could take them all on his own. What had he ever gotten from the other Cids besides a stream of insults and a hernia?

Seeing him awake, Chip and Dale scurried over. "Oh, we don't need anything from you," Chip said. "I'm afraid that you Cids and your airships are relics of a bygone era."

"Yeah, that's right!" Dale said. "The age of the airship is over!" He nodded towards the television. "Meanwhile, the Gummi Garage is waking up from its long hibernation. Thanks to our work today, the skies will soon be filled with nothing but glorious gummis!"

"For #%!*$'s sake, don't tell me this whole plan was orchestrated by two @&!$s who spend half the year collecting nuts."

"Well, it was partially Scrooge's doing," Chip said, with a nod towards his boss's office. "He bought us those snake charming instructional audio tapes."

Scrooge poked his head out of the office. "How does it feel, watching your airships' stock plummet?" he gloated. He started down the steps as he continued, "You don't know how long we've had to endure watching everyone pass over our superior, state-of-the-art Gummi Ship technology and buy your clumsy, outdated airships instead! But, now, thanks to Operation Snake Leader, everyone's too scared to get on an airship. They'll be flocking to Gummi Ships--a technology to which, of course, we control exclusive rights. The profits will be enormous!"

Cid remained defiant. "Good luck with that, @#$*heads. 'Cause wherever there's an airship, there'll be a Cid to protect it." Then he remembered he had, in fact, quit the Cids and called them a bunch of Ren Faire blowhards. "Well, I will, anyway."

Scrooge rolled his eyes. "Don't give me that do goody-good stuff -- all's fair in love, war, and international commerce. I'm clawing my way back up the Forbes Fictional 15 one way or the other." He rubbed his hands together. "And I have feeling that Montgomery Burns and Rufus Shinra are going to be ruing the day they passed up the chance to get in on the ground floor of an investment like this one."

"You @#$#$!" Cid tried to take a swing at Scrooge, only to double over in pain as soon as he tried to move his arm.

"Your arms are broken!" Scrooge cackled.

"Yeah! And so is the airship industry!" Dale chimed in. "And your pitiful, pathetic life! And the future! And the human race! And your bank account! And modern civilization! And the WORLD!"

"OK, settle down, Dale."

* * *

This time, when the Enterprise lifted off from Rocket Town, Number Twelve decided to follow it. He couldn't let the other Cids have all the other adventures! Sooner or later, he'd have to find a way to join the group. "OK, I'm leaving," he announced to his pals in the bar. "See you later."

"Aww, come on, those guys aren't your real friends," Duke said. "Besides, don't you want to see how this game ends?"

Axl turned up a ten of spades and claimed Duke's card. "Yeah. I'm sure they can always find a replacement if they need another man."

"No, I've got to follow my dreams! I can't spend the rest of my life waiting for the perfect opportunity."

Duke won the next round, bringing the game back to a dead tie. "Eh, nothing lasts forever, Cid," Axl said. "Except for cold November rain and this card game."

But Cid XII had his mind made up. He boarded his own battlecruiser-class airship and, with the Enterprise still visible in the distant skies, adopted an identical course. Through open sky and outer space he tailed the Enterprise, intent on introducing himself as soon as the Cids made their next stop.

But when the Enterprise finally touched down in Traverse Town, Cid XII hesitated. Maybe it was better to rehearse some catchy one-liners first before he walked up and introduced himself. It never hurt to be wittier, right? He parked his airship on the opposite side of town from the Enterprise to give himself more time to rehearse his lines before he bumped into the Cids. Come to think of it, why drop in an inopportune moment? It would be more exciting if he waited until the Cids were in danger; then he could rush in at the last minute to save them.

He turned off the engine and leaned back in his pilot's chair, his mind filled with increasingly elabroate visions of his grand entrance. He could keep planning; there was no need to rush things.

* * *

Inside the Enterprise, the Cids reviewed their new mission. "Okay, here's the plan," Cid IV said. "Zipper gave us a list of people he was working with. We've got Chip, Dale, Scrooge McDuck, and Gepetto. They're all supposed to be here in this town, so let's round 'em up and make sure they never lay hands on an airship again. I know they're just a bunch of chipmunks, but don't forget what they've already accomplished. And they're being financed by a billionaire. Now, we've frozen all of McDuck's bank accounts, but, unfortunately, word is he's swimming in liquid assets, so who knows what kind of weapons they've been able to purchase."

"Not to mention they obviously know who we are," Five added. "Maybe we should send someone else in so we don't tip them off that we're coming."

"Ooh, I'll go!" Rikku was so excited she was pawing at the air.

Six nodded. "That's a good idea, Five," he mused. "When Number Twelve shows up, we can send him, since no one's ever seen the guy."

"Wait, wait," Five remonstrated both of them. "That wasn't who I had in mind. We need a new Number Seven, don't we? I move we promote Mid. He's been a Cid-in-Training for years now. Isn't it about time we promoted him?"

Mid flung aside his diary and ran to join them. "Really?"

Cid II exploded. "That kid doesn't even have an airship; what the heck are you thinking? That's the golden rule: No airship, no Cid! Written right in the Bylaws, it is. I know we grandfathered in Number Six, and Number Eight got in on a technicality because of his Garden whatchamacallit, but we can't go bringing any old kid who's never touched a propeller!"

Rikku coughed. "I have an airship; make me a Cid! Well, it's really Brother's airship, but who cares about him, right?"

"This is an emergency," Five insisted. "We can appoint him on a provisional basis until he comes up with that airship."

"Article 3 of the Order Bylaws, section 2," Two read. "'No person not possessing at least one (1) airship shall be made a Cid, excepting persons already in the Order on the date this statute is enacted.'"

"Number Three has, like, forty airships; I'm sure he can loan Mid one later. Overruled." Five passed the ceremonial hammer to his grandson. "Do you, Mid Previa, being of sound mind and body, solemnly swear to fix airships and fight crime and to uphold the dignity of the Order, so help you Bahamut?"

"I do."

"Congratulations. You're our new Number Seven." He handed Mid a set of standard-issue Cid equipment. "Here's your hammer, some explosives, and a box of random wires and crap I found in the back seat. You might want to start thinking up some sage advice, too."

Unfortunately, it was at that moment when Sephiroth and Valentine dropped out of the sky and positioned themselves in front of the Enterprise. "Listen, why promote Mid when I can crush your enemies for half the price?"

"Go away."

And so Mid set off on his first mission as a Cid: to locate their enemies without tipping them off that the Cids were in town. That seemed easy enough, he reasoned; he could pretend he had a business meeting with McDuck and needed directions. Maybe he could stop by a hotel and pretend he was from out of town.

Mid wandered Traverse Town until he spotted a hotel towering over the city waterway. So far, so good. But when he stepped inside, he found the building substantially more crowded than he would have expected: a line extended from the counter all the way to the door, running beneath several banners proclaiming, "WELCOME GYSAHL GREEN FARMERS." Mid didn't know what else to do, and he still thought he had a good plan for tracking down McDuck, so he got in line. Ahead of him stood two chocobos ranchers, in line for the Gysahl Green Farmers International convention. Mid was forced to listen to them discussing the intricacies of breeding a Gold Chocobo for the next five minutes -- which soon became ten minutes, and then fifteen, and then twenty....

At last, he reached the hotel counter. "Excuse me, I was wondering if --"

"Here you go." The clerk shoved at him an information packet, promotional button, complimentary sample of fertilizer, and commemorative belt buckle. "Conference starts at 8:00 on the dot tomorrow."

"Wait, I'm not --"

"HURRY IT UP!" someone back in the line bellowed.

Cringing, Mid bolted out of line. But when he was clear of the crowd and no one was yelling at him, he regretting fleeing the scene so quickly? He couldn't be a real Cid if he ran away as soon as someone yelled at him! He needed to be tough and obscene, like the old Cid VII, not a coward! Now all he had was a shiny new belt buckle and no actual clues.

Just as he stepped out of the hotel, a woman in a pink dress approached him. "Hey, does that stuff work with flowers, too, or just chocobo feed?"

Mid stared at her, completely baffled, until he looked down and he realized he was still holding a button that said "ASK ME ABOUT MI-TEE GRO FERTILIZER." "Oh ... actually, I don't sell fertilizer. I'm here for a business meeting with Scrooge McDuck. Do you know where I could find him?"

"No," said Aerith, "but the people I'm staying with will probably know. Hang on just a second." She ran into the hotel.

Mid tossed his button in the garbage so that no one else asked him about Mi-Tee Gro Fertilizer and leaned against a lamp post to wait for Aerith.

Meanwhile, back on the Enterprise, Sephiroth was still trying to undercut Mid's investigation. "A quarter of the price," he begged, "but I'm slashing me own throat." He patted his daughter on the head. "Come on. How can you say no to a cute kid like Val?"

"She has claws, Sephiroth."

Aerith returned to the lamp post accompanied by Yuffie and "Schtolteheim Reinbach III." "You need a tour guide?" Squall said with a shrug. "...whatever. Sounds more like a job for a do-gooder like that Sora kid."

"I thought you said he went crazy."

"I didn't say he was crazy," Squall said. "But, whatever; I guess I don't have anything better to do. Who are you and where are you going?"

"I'm Cid VII!"

Yuffie and Aerith looked agog at him. "Uh, like, no you're not."

"Yes, Cid VII smokes like Mt. Gulg and always get us fined by the FCC."

"He quit. I'm the new Number Seven."

Crap, thought Squall, I turned in the wrong guy. Now I have to help them.

After Squall professed his contrition for Cid Highwind's abduction, Mid took him and his friends back to the Enterprise. There, Squall's crew explained a plan to amend for their mistake, rescue Cid Highwind, and capture the gummi manufacturers. "So, like, this town's full of underground passages," Yuffie said. "Great for getting past bank security systems 'n stuff. Not that I, uh, know anything about that." She whistled.

"Okay," Four said, "we'll break into the workshop from the underground, then. Everyone with me?" He did a quick head count. Number Seven was gone, of course, but he still counted only eight Cids. "We're missing Number Nine."

"I'm right here!" Oglop-Cid snapped from underneath the steering wheel. He tapped Eiko's knee. "Be a good kid and give Daddy a <gwok> ride on your shoulder, OK?"

Yuffie directed them down an alleyway and into an underground waterway. Sephiroth followed them. "Are you paying Yuffie for this? Because I can offer a very competitive rate..."

They followed Yuffie around several bends in the cavern before stopping in front of a wall. "OK, the gummi workshop should be on the other side," she said.

Cid V nodded to the newest Cid. "You do the honors, Mid."

Mid set the explosives his grandfather had given him. The group backed away from the wall and, expecting a great blast, Mid activated the trigger. The explosives ... didn't explode. Mid continued staring blankly at the wall. Perhaps a moist cavern and ten years in Cid IV's back seat were not the best environment for preserving explosives. With a frown, he looked to the other Cids for assistance. But his grandfather shook his head. "A Cid always has a backup plan, Mid."

Mid, however, had no such plan. He dropped his stuff, sat down on the rocks, and tried to brainstorm another way to get through the wall. He met with little success until his eyes fell on his complimentary bag of Mi-Tee Gro Fertilizer.

"I hope no one wanted that fertilizer," Mid said after he had blasted through the wall.

Cid III shrugged. "Nah, Peco's a healthy weight as he is."

"Tweep puddy!"

Yuffie's directions proved correct: the hole Mid had blown in the wall led directly into Chip and Dale's gummi workshop. The Cids found the workshop empty save the former Cid VII, who was still chained to a barrel. "Ha," he greeted his former comrades. "Guess what? While you were guys were playing Time Bandits, I did a little detective work and figured out who came up with all the ^&@!$ snake stuff. Don't mind the shackles and the broken arms; I've got all this under control."

"Yeah, we figured that out too."

Mid, taking heed of Number Four's advice that few of life's problems could not be solved by hitting them with a hammer, dealt the shackles a mighty blow and shattered them into pieces. "Huh," Cid Highwind said as he stepped free. "Gettin' pretty bold there, aren't ya, Mid?"

"Well, you quit, so I'm Number Seven now."

He laughed out of sheer surprise. "To hell with that; I'm irreplacable!"

Cid X shook his head. "You should just count yourself lucky we didn't get Gackt to fill your shoes. Don't be so full of yourself; Mid's doing a fine job."

"I don't know about that." Cid II brandished Mid's journal, which he'd picked up on the Enterprise. "Look, the kid's been writing poetry! It's bad enough listening to all those long-haired youth of today yakkity-yak through their tragic backstories, but from a Cid?" He consulted his copy of the Bylaws again. "Acceptable personality traits for a Cid include 'gruff,' 'fatherly,' and 'eccentric' ... I don't see 'touchy-feely' anywhere on the list, do you? That's five Cid Demerits on you, kiddo. Back to the minor leagues with you."

Mid sighed and set down his hammer. Well, at least he'd had one great adventure as a Cid. And he'd helped the Order; that was what really counted. Who cared about his title?

Sephiroth began, "Now, I don't know what the usual salary for a Cid is, but I--"

"No." Four tossed the ceremonial hammer to Seven. "You back on the team or what?"

"Eh, I suppose things would get boring if it was just me all the time. Fine." He tried to raise one arm to light a cigarette before doubling over in pain again. Aerith cast a cure spell on him to fix his arms.

Cid II chortled. "Toldja you'd see it my way."

Downstairs in the Gummi Garage, Gepetto, Pinocchio, and Jiminy Cricket were giving the chipmunks and Scrooge a tour of the latest Gummi Ship design ... before the Order and its allies stormed down the stairs in one great mass. It took Chip and Dale only one glance to realize that they were hopelessly outnumbered by nine Cids, one grandson, two daughters, a turnip, Squall, Yuffie, Aerith, and Sephiroth. They raised their hands in surrender, Chip admitting, "OK, you jerks got us. Go easy on us."

"I'm just the assistant vice-president for future revenue stream development!" Scrooge tried to deny responsibility. "I was only trying a new marketing strategy!" With a disappointed mumble, he added, "And we would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling Cids and your turnip."

"Actually, it was pretty much just us Cids," Cid V said. "I don't think Peco really contributed anything."

"Puddy!"

"And me," said Rikku. "Don't forget the sidekick."

Cid VIII was not so forgiving of Chip and Dale's antics. "Yeah, and you tried to have us killed in Leà Monde. We haven't forgotten about that."

But he received only an awkward glance from the chipmunks and instantly Cid VIII knew something was wrong. "Huh?" said Dale. "Lemonade what?"

"Leà Monde, the city where you hired that guy to attack us with golems!"

"Never heard of it."

"Yeah, that wasn't part of the plan at all," Chip said. "We hadn't even heard of you guys until a couple hours ago when we sent Zipper to spy on you, so how could we set up an ambush? We just wanted to make airships look bad; we weren't out to hurt anyone!"

As his suspicions grew, Eight realized that this wasn't the only part of the day's events that didn't fit together. "That reminds me ... how did you find our secret headquarters, anyway?"

"Mapquest," Scrooge said.

The Cids looked to the laptop and Number Eleven. After a moment's pause, Eleven reported, "He's lying. We're not on the Internet at all. Google just thinks I meant 'the kids' secret headquarters.'"

"OK, so it was an anonymous letter I received, but I figured the other guy had just looked it up on Mapquest, all right?"

Cid IV kicked the chair out from under him. "You spoony assistant vice-president for future revenue stream development! Don't you realize you were manipulated into this whole plot? You were a stooge, Scrooge! Whoever sent you that letter was just using you to get at us! There's only one question: who did this, and why?"

"That's two questions."

Scrooge backed away. "I really don't know," he apologized. "All I got was that one letter. Signed with the initials E.C."

"It wasn't me; I swear," Eiko said.

Squall entered the conversation. "Guys ... I don't know if has anything to do with this plot against you, but I have some top-secret information that you might want to hear."

Cid IV stopped trying to inflict permanent organ damage on Scrooge. "Great, what have you got?"

"First of all, I'm actually Squall Leonhart."

They all looked baffled. "Were we not supposed to know that?"

"Second, I didn't quit SeeD because of the job market. I left and changed my name because I'm in the witness protection program. Three days ago, I was visiting Doc Odine's lab when I witnessed a theft from one of his special collections. I tried to stop the thief, but he made off with two items. One was a big hunk of rock called the 'FLOATER.' In all caps, mind you. The other was some kind of precious relic from an alien society. It was a little square ornament greatly lusted after by its wealthy elite; they were even known to kill, send chain letters, and publically humiliate themselves for it. Supposedly it allowed them to receive messages from with the gods, which would send them into an ecstatic dance. Here, I have a picture of what I'm talking about." From his jacket pocket, he took out a couple Polaroids and passed them around to the Cids.

"Uh, that's an iPod, Squall," Rikku said.

Cid VIII scratched his head. "So ... you quit SeeD and went into the witness protection program because you saw someone steal a useless rock and an iPod? Isn't that a little extreme?"

"Who cares?" Cid II grumbled. "This guy just think he's all hot stuff because he's got a voice actor now. You know, when I was a little shaver, the only kid on the block with a voice was Sinistar, and we all thought he wasn't quite right in the head."

"Why are you telling us all this, anyway, Squall? Is this another one of your shaggy dog stories?"

Squall shrugged. "Like I said ... I saw who took the stuff."

Squall did not need to say any more, because the culprit identified himself. Sephiroth had been trying to inconspicuously inch out the back door the whole time Squall had been talking. Seeing the conversation come to a head, however, he pointed with the Masamune and bellowed, "Pinocchio, my boy! The time has come! Crush the decrepit fool who calls you his son!"

Pinocchio stared at him, all wide-eyed innocence. "Why would I want to do that?" he asked timidly.

"Because you are ... a puppet."

"Don't listen to him, Pinocchio!" Jiminy Cricket begged.

Sephiroth cackled. "Search your feelings! You know it to be true!"

Pinocchio's eyes lit up with sudden fury. He sprung across the room and landed on Gepetto's drafting table. "YOU LIED!" he bellowed. "You told me that I was a real boy now!"

"Yeah, OK, so I fudged a little. That wasn't the Blue Fairy, that was just a laser pointer. Sorry."

Pinocchio knocked him to the floor with a right hook. "Give me a number, Gepetto! GIVE ME A NUMBER!"

"Pinocchio! Please!" Jiminy continued his tearful pleading. "You don't have to be like him! Don't go down the path of Sephiroth, Pinocchio!"

Smoldering with genre-defining rage, Pinocchio looked up at him. "Not Pinocchio, dear Jiminy ... PUNCHING PUPPET PINOCCHIO!" He wound up and socked Scrooge in the face, breaking his glasses. By this time, the Cids were sufficiently alarmed to intervene. But as Cid VII rushed in to strike, Pinocchio grabbed Chip and hurled him into Seven's torso.

His diversion successful, Sephiroth sprinted out the back of the workshop with Valentine clinging to his back. Meanwhile, Pinocchio's fury triggered his latent powers. A dark swirling cloud formed around him as he rose into the air, bristling with magic energy. "I AM PINOCCHOMUS, THE PRODUCT OF PINOCCHIO'S HATRED!"

Cid X shook his head. "Oh, you've got to be kiddin' me."

Pinocchomus hurled one fireball after another, the manifestations of his fury spiraling around the room and setting the entire room ablaze. "I WILL CREATE A MONUMENT TO NON-EXISTANCE!"

Jiminy Cricket's hand reached out through the flames as if to halt Pinocchomus's rampage. "YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!" he sobbed.

"I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate you!" Pinocchomus roared. He flew out of the room as one of the ceiling beams crashed to the floor.

The Cids scrambled to catch up with him, chasing him down the length of the Gummi Ship hangar. Pinocchomus soared out of their reach, hurling fire every which way and blowing up each Gummi Ship he passed. Unable to stop the destruction, the Cids merely kept on his tail, following him out of the hangar and into the open air of the Traverse Town town square.

As Pinocchomus rose up into the air, the cloud of darkness surrounding him dimmed the sky. Pedestrians stopped their shopping and coffee-shop telecommuting to gaze up into the sky and gasp in horror. "I am the one chosen to become ruler of this ... planet ... town ... dimensional stop-over type place!" Pinocchomus bellowed at the puny humans who cowered before him. The sky flashed and thunder crackled. He took off through the air, declaring as he flew, "Life ... dreams ... hope ... where did they come from? And where are they headed? These things ... I AM GOING TO PUT SCHLONG.JPG ON MY WEBSITE!"

Jiminy looked defeated. "Great, now he's really lost it."

* * *

On the outskirts of Traverse Town, Cid XII sat in his airship, still trying to work up the guts to approach the Cids. The upside to endless procrastination, he figured, was that it meant his ambitions never had to be tested against reality. He could always imagine himself to be the number one Cid as long as he steadfastly refused engaging in any experiences that might provide evidence to the contrary. Showing up for the mission seemed less and less appealing; why forfeit the elaborate victories of his imagination for lackluster reality? He switched on his airship stereo and listened to some Queen to try to pump himself up while he rehearsed his one-liners.

He could be forgiven for being surprised when an angst-ridden puppet suddenly crashed through the window of his cockpit and startled hurling fireballs everywhere. "If the Blue Fairy does not exist in our world, I will create the Blue Fairy with my own hands!" Pinocchomus bellowed, igniting Twelve's vinyl panther seats.

"Holy shit!" Twelve exclaimed. A real live enemy was attacking him! He jumped out of his chair and, in his haste, tripped on his toolbox, falling helplessly to the deck while Pinocchomus soared by him. He stumbled out of the cabin, kicking aside the scattered tools. What was he supposed to do? He felt helpless, a newbie Cid fighting this guy all by himself. This was why a man needed pig cops on his side! "Wait! No!" he cried, fumbling through the tools for his weapon. This couldn't happen now! He still didn't have a single clever one-liner!

Pinocchomus rose up into the air. "Wait, he says," the puppet cackled. "Do I look like a waiter?"

Cid XII realized he was searching through his tackle box, not his weapons cache. Dammit, he was flubbing his big introduction in every possible. "STOP! I'm not ready!" He shoved aside the tackle box and looked for a place to stash the pair of fishing poles.

"NO ONE is ready for the wrath of Pinocchomus!" Pinocchomus charged up a powerful spell. "I, Pinocchomus, will --"

At that moment, Cid XII knocked him down with a fishing pole to the face and shouted his one-liner, "No, Pinocchomus, I expect you to die! Wait, that didn't make any sense. Damn."

Pinocchomus tumbled out of the sky, bounced off the deck off the airship, and landed on the cobblestone street as the other Cids and Gepetto came hurrying up to the port. With a short, stocky Black Mage in tow, Gepetto sprinted forward to look over the prostrate body of his puppet child. The cloud of evil had dispersed. "Pinocchio! Pinocchio, my boy!"

Pinocchio sat up. "Yes, father?"

"Pinocchio, I'm so sorry for lying to you! Please be good now!" Gepetto said. He nodded to the Black Mage. "This is Vivi. He wants to become a real boy, too. Maybe the two of you can hunt for the real Blue Fairy together." Then he whispered to Cid V, "Do you know where I could rent, like, a digital projector or something?"

But the other Cids were all fixated on the airship, where Cid XII stood shocked at what he'd just accomplished. The fishing pole dropped to the airship deck as he looking down his trembling hands. He'd done it! He'd saved the day! And he hadn't even needed a show-stealing one-liner!

"Number Twelve?"

"Hi, guys."

ACT THREE: Half-Baked Wonderland and the End of the World

"Horrible," Cid II said of Number Twelve. "Another useless girly-man. Going to be the worst Cid yet."

"Don't worry; he says that about every new Cid," Number Ten whispered with a grin.

With the smoke still rising from the remains of Chip and Dale's gummi factory, the Cids were getting acquainted with their new recruit and planning their next move. In spite of their reunion with Number Twelve, they felt stymied. Someone else was clearly behind Scrooge's scheme to discredit their airships, but, with Sephiroth and Valentine having long since teleported away, they were currently devoid of any further leads in this increasingly labyrinthine plot against them.

Nine was trying to placate an increasingly cranky Eiko with some fruit snacks. "I still don't get why Sephiroth would <gwok> go to all this trouble to steal an iPod and a Floater," he said.

"FLOATER," Squall corrected. "It's in all caps."

Cid VI was pacing. "We don't even know the break-in had anything to do with the Scrooge affair, though. Maybe Sephiroth just wants to listen to 'Technologic' on the go."

"Eh, I know trouble when I <gwok> see it. My oglop senses are tingling."

Number Seven polished his spear. "Well, I don't think we're going to figure out anything unless we track Sephiroth down and beat the facts out of him," he said. "Too bad the bastard could have gotten anywhere while ere busy re-enacting *@#$ Child's Play 8."

Cid III scratched his head. "Hmm ... if I were a vengeful supersoldier, where would I be headed?"

"Peco puddy!" chirped Peco.

"No, Peco. You aren't a vengeful supersoldier."

Chip pulled a small, sticky device out of the pocket of his work apron. "Our gummi radar might be able to pick 'im up," he said. "Let's give 'er a whirl." He fiddled with the dials, producing a staccato series of beeps.

"Oh, you're on our side now, eh?"

"Well, we do have a conscience, you know." He nodded towards Jiminy Cricket.

The radar played a electronic fanfare signaling its success, and Chip squinted at the screen. "Looks like he's headed to Agrabah."

"Agrabah?" Jiminy said. "Why, he's probably after the Princesses of Heart. We have to stop him!"

Cid VII shrugged. "Eh, who cares 'bout a bunch of @$%* princesses? It's bad enough putting up with Ten's damn rugrat. Crotch dropping. Spin-off."

"Spin-off, I like that one."

Jiminy protested, "But with the Princesses, he could open the way to Kingdom Hearts and use its power to destroy all the Disney worlds. The loss of life would be catastrophic!"

"Not really," Squall said with a shrug. "I've been through them and there's, like, four or five people out there. Maybe six, tops."

Cid IV intervened to prevent any further foot-dragging by Seven. "OK, let's go," he said. Even if this princess stuff had nothing to do with the plot against them, fighting crime was second only to repairing airships in importance to the Cids.

Dale jumped off his workbench. "You won't be able to get there with one of your airships! You need a gummi engine if you want to get to any of the other worlds."

"That, uh, might be a problem, Dale," Scrooge said. "Pinocchomus just destroyed all our Gummi Ships."

Dale shrugged. "No problem! They've got an airship, right? We can fit the gummi engine onto that."

"Wait just a #^&#$ minute," Cid VII said. "How do I trust you little buggers aren't going to set us up and plant more snakes onboard? I haven't forgotten you were trying to sabotage our industry just a few hours ago, you know."

Chip looked at him like he had lost all sanity. "If our only way we can stop this crazy guy is an airship, we don't have much choice! Besides, I'm sure there's some advantages to both gummis and airships."

"This is everyone's fight now!" Dale chimed in.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Save it for the final boss fight. But, fine, if your stupid engine will get us where we need to go, do whatever you want. Hell, it's not my airship, anyway."

Chip and Dale scurried off to refit the Enterprise, leaving the Cids to discuss battle strategy. "So who are the Princesses of Heart?" Number Twelve asked.

Cid VIII looked up from his laptop. "Number Eleven says there are seven of them, each in a different world. Aurora, Snow White, Cinderella, Jasmine, Kairi, Belle, and Alice."

Nine frowned a tiny oglop frown. "Is he sure about that? I don't think that <gwok> Alice girl is a princess. At least not if I remember all of Eiko's DVDs correctly."

"Yeah, is he getting this from Wikipedia again?" T.G. Cid asked. "Tell him I haven't forgotten the time we spent two weeks trying to track down the flesh-eating panda that Napoleon Bonaparte rode."

"I bet the other princess is really Ariel the Little Mermaid," Eiko said. She held up the wrapper from her Disney Princess Fruit Snacks. "Look, see, she's a princess!"

"Great, let's head him off at Atlantica, then. He's got to come for all the princesses, so we can <gwok> ambush him when he shows up."

"Hey, guys!" Chicken Little bounded through the door. "You probably need some summon spells, like me, Chicke-" Cid X grabbed him by the ear and hurled him down the stairs before he could finish the sentence.

Jiminy Cricket climbed up onto Four's shoulder. "I expect you will need my services, however, gentlemen. I have a 100% complete understanding of the worlds out there, so I can be your guide." He paused and eyed Nine suspiciously. "Assuming oglops don't eat crickets, that is."

Squall, Yuffie, and Aerith stepped back from the group. "Well, I guess it's on us to hold down the fort here, then," Squall said. "Good luck, guys. Half a dozen lives depend on you."

The Cids proceeded to the Gummi Garage, where Chip and Dale had already finished upgrading the airship -- or so they claimed. "Uh, you just dumped the engine right on top of the deck and covered the cockpit with guns. Are you sure that thing can fly?"

"Of course!" Dale bragged. "We've never built one that didn't!"

* * *

The sun was setting over the seas of Atlantica when the Cids' new Gummi Airship descended from space and settled on a small island. The Gummi Airship's boarding ramp carefully slid between the palm trees and out trooped the Cids and their entourage, now including Chip, Dale, and Jiminy Cricket.

Cid VII surveyed the scene. Aside from a few rocks jutting out of the ocean, there was nothing but water, tinted gold by the sunset, in every direction. "Well, uh ... who wants to go for a #$!*%in' swim?"

"Me! Me!" Rikku dived into the water. "I can hold my breath almost as long as Guybrush Threepwood!"

"Great. All yours, kid."

Rikku held up a finger. "On one condition. I pull this off, you make me a Cid for real."

"Wait, wait, wait," Cid II said. "Just how do you think that's going to work? Number Seven's back now, your father's Number Ten, and we already have a Number Eleven. What are we supposed to make you, Number Ten Two?"

"Works for me!"

And with that, she plunged into the sea. "Good luck, Rikku!" Mid shouted after her.

Rikku spiralled down towards King Triton's undersea palace. As per Squall's prediction, the palace was curiously devoid of life, save the requisite half-crustacean band. Rikku swam through the front gate and continued on to the throne room, where she found both Ariel and her father, King Triton. As soon as Ariel saw a four-limbed figure swimming through the archway, she clasped her hands in delight. "Oh boy! Visitors from the surface! Did you bring any more AOL discs? I love those!"

"Hi, I'm Rikku. Me and the Cids are here to save you from the bad guys and make sure we don't end up with the ending where you die and turn into sea foam."

Ariel blinked. "Save me? But ... whatever from?"

"Wait," Rikku said. "Are you sure no one tried to kidnap you? You've been safe here the whole day?"

"Of course," King Triton said. "It's Take Your--"

"Right, right. I wasn't thinking."

Rikku folded her arms. "OK, I guess we'll just camp out around here and play watchdog. Someone is after the Princesses of Heart, so you're gonna need some protection."

"Thank you, Rikku," said Ariel, "but the Princess is in another world. I'm not one of the women you're looking for."

"Oh, poopie. Don't tell me it was Alice after all."

Ariel's voice took on a terrified urgency. "You'd better get to Wonderland right away! Alice is in danger!"

Rikku freestyled out of the palace at breakneck speed and pushed herself to the surface, tearing through the water with her hands as she could. As soon as she broke the surface, she shouted out to the gathered Cids, "She's not a Princess of Heart! It's Alice! We've got to get Wonderland!" Then she glanced down at her watch. "Six minutes and twelve seconds. Not bad."

"Well, I'll be a Moomba's uncle," T.G. Cid said. "Wikipedia was right."

"When am I ever wrong?" Number Eleven said from the laptop.

T.G. Cid was preparing a biting reply when a panda sprung out of the brush and clamped its jaws around his leg. "Oh, son of a bitch, IT'S GOT ME!"

* * *

Thirty minutes later, Thunder God Cid hobbled on his crutches down the boarding ramp. "Geez," he mumbled. "I thought those things only ate bamboo."

He shuffled to the edge of the rabbit hole before them and peered down the deep cave leading into Wonderland. A jump of that length, he decided, was probably not such a good stunt to attempt with one leg wrapped in bandages. "On second thought, maybe I'd better sit this out."

"FLOATER, FLOATER ..." Cid II repeated. "I still think I've heard that somewhere before."

While Chip, Dale, and T.G. waited on the airship, the rest of the crew vaulted down the rabbit hole. Down, down, down, they fell, Cid VIII checking his watch no fewer than three times on the way down. Finally, they hit bottom. They now stood in a cramped underground passage that led, down a slight incline, further into Wonderland.

Pinocchio and Vivi emerged from a door at the far end of the passage. "Pinocchio!" Jiminy spoke from atop Mid's shoulder. "How goes the hunt for the Blue Fairy?"

Pinocchio shrugged his shoulders in a glum gesture. "Oh, I don't know," he said. "I was all excited because Vivi said he knew a purple fairy, but it turned out Kuja wasn't the person we were looking for."

"Have you seen Alice around?"

He nodded. "Yes!" He gestured towards the Queen's castle ahead. "She went that way. Said she was going to a tea party."

This was good news to them: If Sephiroth hadn't caught up with her yet, they could still set up their ambush. Using the Mini Grimoire, Eiko shrunk them down to miniature size, allowing them to continue through the tiny passages ahead.

Their passage through Wonderland was soon halted, however, when they stumbled into the Queen of Hearts's castle. "Off with their heads! This means WAR!" she bellowed without even looking to see who it was.

"Sorry, I've wasted enough time playing war with cards today," Number Twelve said. "Let us by; we outrank you and everything."

This finally attracted her attention enough to yank her up out of her bored slouch. "I'm the Queen of Hearts! Who could possibly outrank me?"

Cid VIII whipped out his Triple Triad cards. "G.F. Eden!"

She shrivelled away, holding up her fan to shield her face from the card. "Fine ... fine ... go wherever you want. Just stop pointing that thing at me."

They rushed on through the side gate of the castle and, following Jiminy's directions, passed through the lotus garden to the tea garden. There, they were relieved to see Alice enjoying a peaceful cup of tea with the Mad Hatter, Dormouse, and March Hare. "Hey," Ten said. "An annoying guy in a black coat hasn't been through here, has he?"

The partiers all shook their heads.

"Oh, good. Alice, there's a bad man named Sephiroth who wants to kidnap you. But we're the Cids; we're here to protect you." Ten casually pulled up a chair at the table, only to have the Mad Hatter and the March Hare violently yank his hand aside and attempt to push him away from the table. "No room! No room!" they both chanted. This did not strike Cid as a particularly valid complaint, as the Hatter, Hare, Dormouse, and Alice were together only taking up a third of the table

Cid X tried to strongarm his assailants aside, but they clung to him with vicious tenacity. The Dormouse finally woke up and joined the fray; he jumped off the table, seized Ten's right arm with his forepaws, and hung dangling in the air, doing his best to drag Cid's arm down. Seven seized the March Hare by the back and tried to pry him off Ten's other arm. "Settle down, ^&#$heads," he insisted. "We've trying to keep an eye on Alice so Sephiroth doesn't kidnap her."

"No room! No room!"

Cid VII was forced to yank his arm back when the Dormouse bit it. "DAMMIT! Sit your ass down in that chair and drink your goddamn TEA! This is important!"

Sephiroth dropped out of the sky. In mid-air, he bowed his head and went into a glide, his cape billowing behind him as he dived towards the table. One arm hooked Alice and pinned her to his chest. While the Cids struggled with the partiers, Sephiroth swooped past them and, in an instant, was gone into the forest. Cid VII uttered a stream of expletives at the March Hare, Mad Hatter, Sephiroth, and the world in general.

Though Sephiroth already had a substantial head start, the Cids gave chase. They scrambled through the lotus forest and managed to track him back to the gates of the Queen of Hearts's castle. There, Sephiroth stood perched atop the castle wall, dangling an squirming egg over the side. "Make one wrong move, Cids, and Humpty Dumpty has a great fall!"

"Don't listen to him!" Humpty Dumpty squeaked.

This brought them to a halt. Unwilling to risk any harm to Humpty, they could only stand still and shout at their adversary. "What are you going to do with Kingdom Hearts, anyway?"

Sephiroth shrugged. "I don't know. The guy I'm working for didn't tell me."

While the Cids scrambled to make sense of this new information--Who was Sephiroth working for? And why?--six of Sephiroth's black-robed followers approached him from further back on the roof. Each carrying a Disney heroine trussed up and slung over the shoulder. "Your will is done, Master."

Cid VI was not happy to see the Advent Children again. "That's cheating, you dick! You can't bring those guys to Take Your Daughter to Work Day. We already discussed this!" Furious, he hurled a rotten fish at Sephiroth, only to see it bounce off the battlements and flop to the ground.

"Hmph." Sephiroth turned away. With a casual cruelty, he flung Humpty Dumpty over the edge and departed with his underlings. Humpty wailed as he plummeted towards the ground. All the Cids' men could neither catch him in time nor put him back together, and, alas, they ended up with a pile of scrambled eggs at their feet.

"Oh my God! They killed Humpty Dumpty!" Rikku shrieked. "Sephiroth, you bastard!"

Number Twelve reacted to the death with a sad shake of his head. "He was a hero among eggs."

"And he'd taste pretty good in a soufflé, too," Cid VIII said, licking his finger.

With Sephiroth and the Advent Children gone, the Order sagged into defeat. They'd lost the Princesses of Heart, Humpty Dumpty had fallen to a delicious demise, and it turned out that the man they'd been chasing around wasn't even the big bad guy.

But then, Cid II made a serendipitous recollection. "Guys, I just remembered what the FLOATER is. It was his invention. To hide his airship."

Cid IV suddenly felt very stupid. "Of course! 'E.C.' was the signature on that letter! I should have known he was behind all this."

"Uh, whose invention? Who was behind all this?" Rikku gave off an exasperated snort. "You know, you guys couldn't be more obtuse if you worked for Vector Industries."

Number Ten sighed. Now that she was a Cid, he couldn't really keep it a secret from her, could he? She was going to have to hear this sooner or later. "Long ago, the Order was betrayed by one of its own members," he began the story. "The man whom we called Number One became corrupted by his ambition. He wasn't satisfied with repairing his own airship. Oh, no. He had to repair every airship, and no one else's inventions were ever good enough for him. Plus he cheated at Pictionary.

"And so ... he became Evil Cid, the sworn archnemesis of all good Cids. He allied himself with Pikachu and commenced war against the rest of the Cids. After a grueling battle with the Order, Evil Cid was finally slain by a monster he himself summoned ... or so we thought. Apparently, he's survived somehow. And, knowing him, he's going to be doing everything he can to get back at us. We don't have any time to lose."

Cid VIII asked the laptop, "Well, Eleven, they have the princesses; where would they be going now?"

"The End of the World."

* * *

Chip and Dale guided the Gummi Airship on until they arrived at the furthest reaches of the Magic Kingdom. Here, at the very borders of time and space, the stars were only dim lights in the distance behind them. Before them, a nebulous purple cloud served as a gateway to the darkness beyond: the End of the World.

Hovering before the purple cloud, like an airborne watchdog, was a yellow airship powered by three propeller blades. "That's definitely his airship," Cid III said. "Damn. I thought we'd finished him off, but I guess not."

"His airship?" A gravelly voice projected out of Evil Cid's airship. "Let's not be so impersonal. It's me, the man you swore would never lay hands on another airship, the first and greatest of all the Cids!"

The Cids looked dubious.

"Oh, please. Number Eleven isn't the only one who can digitize his consciousness, you know. And you should know a Cid always has a backup plan. While you were celebrating your supposed victory, my consciousness lived on in the computers of my own airship, waiting for the time when I could rise again and destroy the cheap imitators who sully my name. Once I hired Sephiroth to raise this airship from the Ryukahn Desert with the FLOATER and free me from my prison of sand, there was finally nothing standing in the way of my vengeance. Revenge is a dish best served freeze-dried."

Cid IV nodded to Chip and Dale. "Arm the cannons!"

"Oh, go ahead and waste your time battling this airship," Evil Cid said, bubbling over with evil glee. "This is no longer the only computer with my consciousness. While you struggle to break through my defenses here, I'm also synced to the iPod that my loyal servant is carrying down to Kingdom Hearts at this very moment. Just try to stop me, Cids!"

"You're outnumbered; one versus thirteen Cids and two chipmunks," Cid IV reminded him. "This is your last chance to surrender!"

"Surrender? In my hour of triumph?" Evil Cid laughed. "You overestimate your chances."

Chip and Dale fired all the gummi cannons in a simultaneous barrage. The blasts of energy simply bounced off Evil Cid's shields. He cackled. "Is that the best you can do? Maybe you should settle for repairing go-karts!"

Cid IV pounded his fist into his palm. "All right, you've missed your chance to deal with the nice version of me. I'm ready to play hardtype."

A black mecha pulled up beside the Gummi Airship. "My fist is the divine breath!" Grahf proclaimed. "Blossom, O fallen seed, and draw upon thy hidden powers! Grant unto thee the power of the glorious 'Mother of Destruction!'"

Cid IV unleashed his sealed powers. "ACTIVATE SYSTEM HARDTYPE!" His skin paled, his beard burst into brilliant red flames, and his hammer changed into a spoon. With the strength of his berserker rage, Hardtype Cid hurled his spoon at Evil Cid's airship. The spoon spun through space and struck the fore of the airship, smashing straight through the shields. The whirling kitchen utensil continued down the deck, tearing the airship into pieces as it went. Evil Cid's cackling continued even as his airship exploded, eventually silenced when there was nothing left but shards.

The spoon flew boomerang-like back to Cid IV's hand. When he caught it, he returned to his normal self. He sighed. "I usually try to keep those powers dummied out, but..."

Number Three practically swooned. "Great throw, Number Four! Didn't even know you had the ability."

"Let's go." Cid X nodded towards the portal ahead of them. "We've got to destroy the other copy of him in that iPod."

The Gummi Airship sailed on through the cloudy portal. On the other side, a great rocky chasm opened up below them, bordered on either side by great blue-green cliffs. The chasm was too narrow for the airship to fit through, so Chip and Dale landed on the top of the cliff, amidst some glittering crystals. From there, the Cids--sans T.G., who was still recovering from the panda attack--made their way down the cliffside on foot, climbing down vines and hopping from ledge to ledge. Cid III carried Peco tucked under arm since his turnip sidekick, on account of having no arms, was not particularly adept at climbing.

At the bottom of the chasm, Sephiroth awaited them. His cloaked henchmen formed a semi-circle behind him as he stood with his daughter's hand clasped in his own. Number Five nudged Number Four. "I don't see the iPod," he whispered.

"I don't get it, Sephiroth," Cid VII was not too intimidated to reach for a cig as he spoke. "What do you care about the Order? Why are you working with Evil Cid?"

"Because I could do the job for half the cost of Kuja or that silly U-DO thing."

"Yeah, but aren't you supposed to be an undercutter monster slayer?"

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "Please. You should know one man's monster is another man's guardian deity. I go where the money is." He drew the Masamune. "But enough talk! Have at you!"

Seven stood his ground. "Hold on, hold on. You've got like 500 @!$%@in' billion gil already."

The Masamune went back in its sheath. Sephiroth leaned closer and explained in a low voice, "I know, but it's Val." He wiggled his daughter's hand. "I want her to grow up with a good role model who works hard."

"Oh, a good role model," Two said. "After you burned up the airship and broke into Odine's laboratory and kidnapped the princesses, how could we not have guessed?"

Ten grunted in displeasure. "So she can grow up to be a money-grubbing tool? Come on, man. Go home. Be a family man. Spend some time with your kids before they hit the teenage years and no longer want to be seen in the same room as you." He reached out his arm to indicate Rikku as an example, only to discover that she had moved to the other side of the group when he wasn't looking.

"Yeah!" Rikku said. "The only thing kids ever learn from Take Your Daughter to Work Day is how lame their parents are."

Sephiroth's face wrinkled in thought. His decision was soon made when Valentine tugged on his arm. "I'm tired. I wanna go home."

He lifted her up to carry her. "All right, sweetie. Let's go home and watch a movie. Now, remember, we never saw them Send Bambi's mother, so she's probably still out there, watching over him in ghoulish undead form."

"Before you go anywhere, you're handing over that iPod," Number Twelve insisted. "The one you downloaded Evil Cid's consciousness to."

"Oh, I don't have that anymore," Sephiroth said. "He gave that to his real follower. I was just the hired hand."

Damn, there was a third person in on this? Cid V wondered who else could possibly want to conspire with an diabolical mastermind like Evil Cid.

Father and daughter levitated into the air. "Val, say bye-bye to the Cids."

"Bye-bye."

The two of them rose up and flew away. "Wow, that was weird," Five said. "It's like he disappeared and was replaced with Bizarro Sephiroth all of a sudden."

Meanwhile, the Advent Children had been left behind to howl over their perpetual abandonment. "GIVE US A NUMBER!" they wailed in unison.

"Four thousand, six hundred, and eighty-two. Ya freaks happy now?"

"Yay!"

Once the Advent Children had departed, the Cids found what Sephiroth had been guarding: a cave opening in the chasm floor. They climbed down through the hole. Inside, a sequence of neon-colored caves led them further down until they reached the final cave. Set into the last cave wall was a small pair of white doors leading to the End of the World's deepest depths ... and Kingdom Hearts.

Cid IV pressed his ear to the doors. On the other side, he could hear someone listening to the Caesars and two voices discussing what to do with all the money they'd saved on henchmen. "Well, we definitely need one of those stylish leather cases," one was saying, "and a portable charger would be handy too. And if you could download me into one of those limited edition U2 models, that would be awesome."

"That's him," Cid IV reported. "I can't figure out who he's with, though. OK, ready, everyone?"

The Cids and friends readied their weapons and marched through the door. Beyond lay a pale gray cliff marked by a few outcroppings of white rock. A small outcropping of rock like a bridge let out from the end of the rock to another cliff. On this far side of the bridge rose the two great white doors to Kingdom Hearts.

Halfway across the bridge stood Tactics Advance Cid, holding the iPod with Evil Cid's consciousness. Upon hearing the doors open, he turned to face them.

"Cid T.A.!"

"Surprised?" Cid T.A. sneered.

"No," Cid X said, though his slack jaw betrayed him.

"Thought I was just some useless lackey you could leave in a bar? Well, I have a new friend now, and he's going to crush your stupid Order." Cid T.A. removed his earbuds and plugged a radio transmitter into the iPod. "The so-called 'Evil' Cid recorded a Podcast for you guys." Cid T.A. tapped 'Play' on the iPod.

"So we meet again, Cids," Evil Cid spoke from the iPod. "Uh, turn the volume up."

Cid T.A. did so.

"TESTING, TESTING, 1-2-3. OKAY, THAT'S BETTER. SO WE MEET YET AGAIN, CIDS. I TOLD YOU THAT DESTROYING MY AIRSHIP WAS NOT ENOUGH. I ALSO HAVE MY CONSCIOUSNESS SAVED IN A PORTABLE, DRM-PROTECTED FORMAT SO THAT I MAY ACCOMPANY MY LOYAL SERVANT ON HIS VOYAGE TO THE SOURCE OF ULTIMATE POWER. THIS IS ONE OF THOSE NEW IPOD VIDEOS, TOO. T.A., HOLD IT UP SO THEY CAN SEE."

Cid T.A. obligingly held up the iPod. The screen was displaying the face of Evil Cid--a photo-negative clone of Cid VII.

"IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE WE LAST MET. DISGUSTINGLY LONG, IN FACT. YOU DESTROYED MY BODY AND LEFT ME WANDERING IN THIS PATHETIC HALF-FORMED EXISTANCE, LIKE LORD VOLMEDORT, A SHELL OF MY FORMER MIGHT."

"It's 'Voldemort,'" Cid T.A. whispered.

"I DON'T CARE. BUT MY YEARS OF EXILE WERE NOT IDLE. I CONCEIVED A FOOLPROOF PLOT TO REWRITE EVERYTHING THE CIDS' ORDER KNEW--PROJECT R.E.T.C.O.N.. AND WHAT BETTER CHOICE THAN THE MAN YOU ABANDONED DID I HAVE TO SELECT AS MY NEW LIEUTENANT ... THE SKINNER TO MY BURNS ... THE WORMTAIL TO MY LORD VOLERTMO-- LORD VOLDOMER-- VOLTMORD--" Cid T.A winced. "OH, THE HELL WITH IT. YOU KNOW WHO. ANYWAY, CID T.A. KNOWS BETTER THAN ANYONE THE FOLLY OF YOUR ORDER."

"Yeah," Cid T.A. said. "You think you can just kick me around and expect me to take it? To hell with you guys; the Order is going down!"

"WHAT DOES THE UNIVERSE NEED WITH SO MANY CIDS?" Evil Cid concurred. "A WHOLE ORDER OF CIDS ONLY BRINGS STRIFE!"

"Nah, he doesn't work for us." Cid VII shook his head.

"WHO GETS TO BE COUNTED AS A CID? WHICH CID IS THE BEST CID, THE CID OF THE YEAR? YOUR 'ORDER' HAS PRODUCED NOTHING BUT CHAOS. IT IS TIME TO END TO THIS NONSENSE! WITH THE POWER OF KINGDOM HEARTS, I WILL ACHIEVE 'TIME COMPRESSION,' RETURN TO A TIME BEFORE YOU WERE EVER BORN, AND REWRITE HISTORY SO THAT I DO EVERYTHING YOU BECAME KNOWN FOR. ALL AIRSHIPS WILL BE BUILT BY ME, ALL SAGE ADVICE DISPENSED BY ONE CID ALONE! YOU WILL ALL BE FORGOTTEN! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE TRUE CID!"

The podcast concluded. "Great speech, huh?" Cid T.A. said. "He's a regular Donald Sutherland."

"OK, if he offers a choice between backgammon and Pictionary, this time let's choose backgammon," Cid VI whispered to the team.

But Cid II was already making other plans. A return to the time before all the other Cids? No more voice acting and warp-speed airships? This was exactly what the universe needed! The only problem was that it was going to be a lunkhead like Number One in charge afterwards. But maybe if he let Evil Cid open Kingdom Hearts, then put the jump on him before he could rewrite history, he could take charge...

"One true Cid?" Cid VII said aloud. "#@&^, as if that'll ever be you, Number One. You're looking at the true Cid right here!"

"Oh, to heck with you, Seven!" Cid IV exclaimed. "Everyone knows I'm the best Cid! Don't forget you tried to quit the whole Order!" Furious, he seized Cid VII by the collar of his jacket and tried to hammer him. Cid VI joined the battle, slapping them both around a bit with a large yummy fish before being punched by Cid III.

Cid VIII stepped back from the conflict. I'm so much more sophisticated than these morons, he thought with a smug grin. They should make me the One True Cid.

If I can become the One True Cid, then they'll have no choice but to finally accept me! Rikku put Eight in a headlock and gave him a wedgie; both were then tackled by Cid XII. "Get out of my way and let me be the One True Cid!"

From the iPod screen, Evil Cid smirked as the Order descended into chaos. While the Cids pummelled each other to determine who would become the One True Cid, Cid T.A. started unopposed across the narrow bridge towards Kingdom Hearts.

"WAIT! STOP!" Mid shouted at the Cids. "Don't you realize that this is exactly what Evil Cid wants?"

For a moment, the brawl halted and they all turned to look at him.

"We can't be fighting against each other! We made it here because we worked as a team!"

As the Cids started to back away from the melee, Evil Cid looked alarmed. "SHUT HIM UP!" he commanded Cid T.A.

"There is a reason we have so many Cids--it's because we're all good at different things! Seven can light a stick of dynamite with his cigarette, Six is not stopped by rain nor sleet nor snow, Rikku can hold her breath a really long time, Peco ... is Peco good at something?"

"He's good at photosynthesis," Cid III said defensively.

"Puddy tweep!"

"DROWN HIM OUT! PLAY SOMETHING EVIL! I WANT SWIZZ BEATZ FEATURING JA RULE AND METALLICA, 'WE DID IT AGAIN.'"

Cid T.A. fumbled with the iPod, trying to obey his master's command.

"YOU HAVE TO USE THE CLICKY WHEEL THING."

"None of us would be here if it weren't for the others," Mid continued. "It's because of the combination of all our talents that we're where are we now! That's what the Order is all about! There can never be One True Cid!"

"JUST PUSH RIGHT ON THE SCROLL WHEEL, YOU IDIOT," Evil Cid was still trying to get Cid T.A. to play his evil music.

But Cid T.A. had other ideas in mind. "Hold on. I think Mid has a point. If you become the One True Cid, then what does that make me? Chopped liver? I think I'd rather take my chances with the Order. At least I can be an adjunct instead of being erased from history. Screw you, Evil Cid."

He hurled the iPod over the cliff. "NOOOOO!" Evil Cid wailed as he disappeared into the abyss. "I... WILL... NOT... PERISH... AS... LONG... AS... THERE... ARE... SEQUELS... IN... THE... HEARTS... OF... MEN... HUFF... PUFF..."

In a final act of defiance, Evil Cid's iPod played the lowest, loudest note imaginable. The note shook the ground, knocked stalactictes from the cavern ceiling ... and jarred open the great doors of Kingdom Hearts. As soon as the doors were open the first crack, Heartless rushed out. The creatures swarmed the Cids in seemingly limitless numbers, filling every inch of the cliff with shadowy black bodies.

Cids Seven, Four, and Ten-Two fought back. Rikku's daggers slashed apart the Heartless, and Cid IV's hammer set them tumbling off the cliff in great numbers. But, though they succeeded in fending off the immediate attacks, the supply of Heartless from the door seemed endless. More and more of the creatures rushed out of Kingdom Hearts in a constant stream. The cliff, shaken loose by Evil Cid's blue note, continued to rumble.

"Number Eleven!" Cid VIII shouted into his laptop. "Number Eleven, what's the story with these guys?"

The laptop screen remained silent. "Oh no, I think he's got the Blaster worm."

Finally, Cid XI reappeared on the screen. "Oh man, you guys, I just found the funniest video on YouTube--"

"Not now! We need everything you know about the Heartless!"

Meanwhile, the unending Heartless assault was gradually the forcing the other Cids to retreat across the cliff, away from the door.

"The Heartless ... um, let's see. The Heartless are created when hearts are corrupted by darkness. They'll try to steal your heart and make you one of them."

"Is there anything we can do about that?" Number Eight asked. "Maybe Nine can sneak through them; he's an oglop."

Eleven shook his head. "That's not going to work; oglops still have hearts. If you have a heart, the Heartless can take it. And, I mean, even artichokes have hearts."

"What about turnips?" Number Ten said.

"Whoa, whoa," Cid III said. "You're not suggesting about getting Peco involved in this, are you? It's dangerous! He could be hurt!" He scooped Peco up in his arms to shield him.

Cid VII struggled to fight off the Heartless clawing at his legs. The edges of the cliff began to crumble. "You have a better idea?" Ten shouted.

"I guess not."

Cid III reluctantly released his turnip sidekick. Peco scurried down the bridge, ducking between the legs of the Heartless. He was halfway across when a claw swooped in front of him and one of the Heartless snatched him off the ground. The monster tried to take a bite out of his side, only to make a disgusted face and drop him back on the bridge. Peco raced the rest of the way to Kingdom Hearts. With a running start, he sprung into the air and hit the door with a flying body slam. It creaked shut, sealing off the Heartless' supply of reinforcements.

"GO PECO!" Cid III cheered.

Four and Seven mopped up the remaining Heartless, and then all was calm.

For a moment.

The earthquake caused by Evil Cid's final low note had shaken the cliff from its foundation. It was teetering more and more to one side, sliding dangerously close to toppling over. Several pieces of rock broke off from the edges and disappeared into the blackness below. Half the cliff shuddered and began to lurch away from the other.

The Cids needed no further prompting to leave. With the End of the World crumbling around them, they hurried back up through the caves. The caves, their foundation having given way, were now beginning to collapse. Ceilings collapsed and floors broke into pieces as the Cids rushed upwards and upwards.

They emerged from the caves. The steep cliffs still towered before them, equally ravaged by the ongoing earthquake and collapsing into pieces. Without delay, the Cids began hauling themselves up the vines. A few vines up, Cid V paused to put a hand on his grandson's shoulder. "I'm proud of you, Mid," he said. "That was one hell of a speech you gave back there; I think you're the real Donald Sutherland! But, you know, you've always been the spirit within our team."

They scrambled along a ledge leading further up the cliffs, the ground rumbling beneath their feet. "Well, I guess you're not quite the bozo I thought you were," Cid IV admitted to Cid T.A. as they ran.

"Great! Can I join the Order now? Do I get to be a Cid? Am I Number Thirteen?"

"I'm afraid not. You know the rules. No airship, no Cid."

"What?" he howled. "GIVE ME A NUMBER!!!" When Cid IV, alarmed, raised his hammer to strike, Cid T.A. just laughed and slapped him on the shoulder. "I'm kidding, man. Just messin' with ya."

"..."

"I'm serious. I'll work on getting that airship."

On the other side of the chasm from the Cids, the shaking set loose an avalanche, spilling a host of rocks out of the canyon wall. The rocks battered the canyon floor below like hailstones, some shattering crystals as they fell. "Hurry! Hurry!" Eiko urged them on.

The Cids hauled themselves up to the top of the cliff. Amidst the broken crystals, Chip, Dale, and T.G. Cid waited in the Gummi Airship ... with an unexpected visitor blocking the way to the boarding ramp.

"A-ha!" shouted Palmer, bandages wrapped around his chest where the mail truck had hit him. "I finally caught up with you and your technological monstrosities! I heard all about Evil Cid and his plot. See what happens when you expose innocent minds to the iniquity of machina? Now I shall deliver the righteous judgment of Yevon to you degenerates!" He raised his fists. "Put 'em up, Cid!"

"What the heck?" Cid XII exclaimed. "How did you even know we were here?"

By way of explanation, Palmer jerked a thumb over his shoulder at Axl Rose and Duke Nukem. "Too good for us now, Cid?" Axl sneered. "Get in the ring!"

Duke Nukem unsheathed the Daikatana. "Duke Nukem is gonna make you his bitch!"

Behind the Cids, a huge piece of the cliff broke free and tumbled into the abyss, leaving the party standing on only a small arc of rumbling earth. In the distance, a rope bridge gave way and fell into oblivion. The End of the World was disintegrating. "You <gwok> idiots! Let us on the airship or we're all going to die!"

"I only regret that I have but one life to give for Yevon!"

Chip poked his head out of the cockpit. "Hey, fatso!" he said. "Get out of the way or get moving! Airships aren't so bad; you get used to the propeller noise and it's more comfortable than riding a bird. Besides, this airship has a gummi engine! It's the best of both worlds!"

Palmer inched one foot forward, then quickly reconsidered and withdrew it. Axl and Duke, however, decided their personal feud was not worth risking their lives over. They hurried aboard, Axl muttering, "Man, I can't believe I'm hanging around with a bunch of lame Final Fantasy dudes. Sounds like something that asshole Slash would do."

(This was inaccurate, of course; Slash only appeared in Chrono games.)

Duke grunted. "This ship of yours is all right," he said. "Needs more PIG COPS, though."

Cid VII held out his pack of Malboros. "Cig?"

Duke took it without hesitation. "Thanks, man. I'll be sure to give you dudes a shout-out in my new game when it comes out in a few months."

Jiminy Cricket silently pointed at him and Duke suddenly found himself with a nose several inches longer.

As the cliff continued to disintegrate, Palmer was still standing halfway up the boarding ramp, looking back and forth beneath the dreaded machina and the collapsing canyon. "Get on board, you #&*$%, or we're leaving you behind!" Cid VII shouted.

Palmer gingerly placed one foot onto the airship deck. When the airship failed to devour him, his other foot followed. "I guess airships aren't all that bad," he confessed, sounded somewhat disappointed about this.

"Damn right," Seven said. "They keep us telling us that airships are about to go the way of the chocododo, but I still haven't seen come 'em up with anything better. You'd think they'd realize that after all these years that we know what we're doing, wouldn't you? There ain't any half-wit criminal mastermind who can outwit us. With the Order patrolling the skies, airships are going to be here 'til the day I die. Cids forever!"

As the Gummi Airship blasted off into space, Cid III cradled his heroic sidekick in his arms. "You know, we should make Peco a Cid."

"Don't be ridiculous."

* * *

One week later...

The call had gone out on the Not Too Secret Party Line and the Cids' conference room was now packed. Shera had brought in a few extra chairs to accomodate all the new members of the Order, their family members, the visiting Ninas, Cid XII's friends, and several uniformed pigmen who seemed to have come out of nowhere. It was elbow to elbow all 'round the table. Cid IV stood up. "Well, that's what I call a job well done, men," he said. "And, uh, you too, Rikku."

Rikku nodded, indicating that these were only the accolades she expected all along.

"Now that we've closed the Evil Cid file once and for all, it's time to celebrate with the first annual Order Potluck. On the menu: roast flesh-eating panda."

Six raised his hand. "I was gonna grill some Just a Fish, too."

"As long as you're not going to make us eat that dragon of yours."

"WOO! PARTY TIME!" Dale cranked up Greatest Hits of Eerie Carnival Music on his boombox. "Just checking: you guys don't have any snakes in here, do you?"

"Hold on," Cid VII said. "Before we can start the party, we gotta run through the Cid Roll Call. It's tradition! Chip and Dale?"

"Here!" the two chipmunks said.

"Number Two?"

"Ain't nobody performed no Sending on me yet," Cid II cackled. "Long after your Blu-Ray whatchamacallits crap out on you, I'll still be here, fixin' airships and teachin' young folk how to blow in the cartridge to get it workin' right!"

"That's nice. Number Three and the damn turnip?"

"Here," said Cid III said. "Say 'here,' Peco."

"Peco puddy here!"

Three beamed. "He's learning English so fast."

"Number Four, got you already. Number Five, you too. Cid Team Spirit?"

"That's me, right?" Mid said. "Here!"

"Number Six, saw the raincoat. T.G., I saw you too. Hope that cast comes off soon. Number Eight?"

Cid VIII raised his hand. "Here."

"Number Nine?"

A webbed green hand went up. "Still sleeping on the <ribbit> couch, I'm afraid."

"Number Ten?"

"Here."

"Number Ten-Two?"

"Here," said Rikku.

"Numer Eleven, how's that expansion pack working out for you? Good? Number Twelve, I see you're on time for once. Number Thirteen?" He looked to the last chair, presently unoccupied. "Uh ... not here, I guess. One of you guys seen Number Thirteen?"

No one in the group responded.

"Hello? Number Thirteen? Have we seen Thirteen? Anyone heard from Number Thirteen...?"