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Disclaimer: The opinions expressed within this column are those of the participants and the moderator, and do not neccessarily reflect those of the GIA. There is coarse language and potentially offensive material afoot. Guy Kazama, if you DON'T want the hostage killed, you should KEEP QUIET. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Yesterday I promised you my early Final Fantasy VIII impressions, and here they are. Since most of you are probably playing FF VIII and not reading this column anyway, I'm going to go ahead and just ramble on for a while. Now, don't worry, I won't reveal that the final boss is Rinoa's dog Angelo (oops! *); these are spoiler-free impressions.

Wow. That's really all that needs to be said. I knew it was going to be good, having been forced to listen to Andrew Vestal ramble on for seven months about why FF VIII rules and how Cactrot won't find him any A or B class items in the PocketStation game. But I didn't know it'd be this good. I wasn't that big of a fan of Final Fantasy VII, but FF VIII corrects virtually all of its flaws -- the hardcore gamer types who shunned FF VII because of it lacked the "FF feel" (whatever that is) should give VIII a look, as it's much more similar to the classic FFs. (And it's good to have 'em back!) I didn't think I'd identify with the "universal" characters, but they fit with the backgrounds perfectly and most of the main characters seem like real people.

There's also lots of little touches: the students that are always milling about Garden, the lens focus shifts, etc. Summoning GFs over and over gets a little old (hint: get Boost right away), but I like the Junction system so far; you can customize your characters without having to bother with all sort of hokey equipment contrivances. I never though I'd celebrate the loss of traditional equipment or magic schemes, but when they're gone, you realize just how much it slowed games down. The best feature is the ridiculously addictive Triple Triad game, which has consumed most of my playing time thus far. Of course, there's always a few dissenters...

You think you're smart, don't you? By wishing death on some poor would-be SeeD, you think you can get a head start on your card collection. What you don't realize, mister, what you don't realize is this: I am that dick in the halls of the Garden. Yes, I'm the one who keeps taking your cards; the one who's amassed a collection of some 40-odd unique cards without having left for Timber. I am your worst nightmare.

Now give me that MiniMog, bitch.

I knew someone would find a game somewhere that had different music, and you just did. (And now that I mention it, I think Earthbound did as well). Let's hope more developers wake up and follow Sting's lead.

Awww, you shouldn't have. For the record, I did not print this letter because its author sucked up to me and dissed Xenogears. But since he included some questions, I might as well provide some convenient numbered answers, right?

1) Probably. There were also far fewer RPGs available in those days, so if you wanted a new RPG, you were pretty much stuck with one of the Dragon Warriors or Final Fantasy -- and guess which one was published by Nintendo itself?

2) The hype machine is still running on a lower gear for Grandia, though I'm not sure it exactly qualifies "good-looking games" -- personally, I think it looks about as lame and generic as you can get, and I have no idea why it's attracting so much attention. And since this is my last letters column, I can say absurdly controversy things like this and let other people deal with the inevitable backlash. Ah, power is good...

Er, in answer to your question, Metal Gear Solid: VR Missions, Climax Landers, Jet Force Gemini, Evolution, Silhouette Mirage, and Donkey Kong 64 are all due out by the end of the year and all sound at least mildly entertaining.

3) FF Tactics was a great game -- and one of my all-time favorites -- but it also got a lot of bad press in Japan for ripping off Tactics Ogre so badly (since TO had been out for years there), which might explain why Square didn't rush out a sequel. It still sold plenty of copies, though, so a future sequel is a likely prospect. Bbesides, Final Fantasy ties will sell just about anything, even awful Mario Kart clones.

And if anyone else comes to the startling "revelation" that the GIA's "FF IX" artwork is actually for FF Tactics 2, I will personally drive to your house and release dozens of incontinent stoats into your kitchen.)

4) You mean besides SaGa Frontier, Kartia, Front Mission 3, and some other games that probably exist but I'm too lazy to think of?

5) Don't count on it.

A missing letter award causing Armageddon? A dead custom that needs resurrecting? The world going insane? No, you're the insane one, my friend, which is why I'm bestowing a very special award upon you:

Despite the number of them (or lack thereof) on the market, I'm still a big fan of graphic adventures myself -- you certainly can't go wrong with any of LucasArts's (except Loom; that sucked). Unfortunately, they only rarely see the light of day on console systems, which is why the GIA doesn't have any coverage of them -- if there had ever been a console port of Sam & Max, at least four GIA staff members (myself including) would be fighting to the death over Vaulting rights.

But not all RPGs are walkthroughs. Sure, it doesn't take much effort to talk to characters and read the dialogue, but, believe it or not, RPGs involve some strategy in the battles -- or they used to, anyway. The RPGs with the best gameplay are those with bosses designed so that leveling up isn't the answer; plotting a clever strategy is. And there's also puzzles; I don't think that anyone would call The World's Most Difficult Trick in Lufia 2 a cakewalk.

First, the bad news: Bandai isn't releasing the GF figures in the U.S. Now the good news: Palisades is. Look for the first four Guardian Forces -- Cerberus, Ifrit, Odin, and Siren / Cactaur -- in stores later this month. However, the second batch (Bahamut, Shiva, Diablos, and GILGAMESH) probably won't be available until next February.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for...

Only one space remains; one space that could throw a wrench in my last bid at victory or assure me triumph -- but we'll never find out who wins! This is my last letters column, so the game will go unfinished, and the mystery of what would have happened on Neil's next turn will haunt you all to your graves!

(P.S.: Neil, you didn't beat me after all)

Closing Comments

Yup, this is the end of my six-day stint as Double Agent. I've had a lot of fun writings these columns, and I hope you've managed to tolerate my less-than-Cosner-quality ramblings. I'll be returning to my news/media hole for now, but if someone needs a vacation in the future, I'd be happy to return and sing Chu-Chu's praises once again.

And speaking of Chu-Chu, here's a topic for you all to bother AK with: Do we need the inevitable "cute animal sidekicks" that appear in nearly every RPG? Sometimes they play a role in the story (Peco); sometimes they serve a function in the game(Hanpan); but often they're just in their for laughs. Is this the kind of comic relief every game should have doses of? Or would it be better just to scrap any sidekick character that's not a key figure in the story? Send your reponses to AK, because I'm out of here. So long, and thanks for all the fish!

- Fritz Fraundorf, Triple Triad master-in-training