FRITZED OUT A Cosmo Canyon NPPR Mike Tenay: Hi Ladies and Gentlemen. I’m Mike Tenay Jim Ross: I’m Jim Ross Tony Schiavone: And I’m Tony Schiavone. MT: Ladies and Gentlemen we have wonderful news, but first roll the clip A clip rolls of the conclusion of the Luna VS Ruby match at RUMBLE IN THE CANYON where Ruby blasts Luna with the bazooka. MT: Fans, after that horrible event we thought Luna was a goner. BUT after many hours of extensive and expensive surgery, Luna is FINE, and looks as good as new. TS: It’s a miracle. JR: Anyway, as you probably know, this story (and all authentic) Cosmo Canyon NPPRs are written by "Big Sexy" Owen Humphreys. Owen walks out hands Jim Ross twenty bucks then walks off again. MT: What the hell was that about? TS: Yeah, Why did he just give you twenty bucks. JR: (Lying) I don’t know. TS: Anyway folks we’ve got a great evening planned for you. We have the following matches planned: CLOUD VS DOMINO RUFUS VS CAIT SITH RUDE VS RENO HANPAN AND SPENCER VS OWEN HUMPHREYS AND CID MT: Another all-star lineup. JR: Sure is. Let’s goto the first match. Cloud and Domino are already in the ring. And Domino is wearing a hat (foreshadowing kids!). Mills Lane: Ok you too, this match is for credit for saving the world from meteor and Sephiroth. I want a tough clean fight, no weapons ya pussy. Lane throws Cloud’s sword into the crowd where it impales Don King. Don King: What a great experience to be here tonight, with such great people in such a great to... Don King dies and there was much rejoicing Crowd: (in a monotone voice) Ya. Lane: OK YOU TWO LET’S GET IT ON! Domino takes off his hat and his baldhead reflects the light and blinds almost everyone in the arena (except naturally the Turks who always wear sunglasses). Everyone but the Turks (and Domino): MY EYES! I’M BLINDED! GOD IT HURTS! Domino exploits this opportunity by pulling a carp out of his jacket and hitting Cloud with it. (Editors Note: Come on! Getting hit with a carp hurt, it’s not like I’m the only person who’s been hit with one (cricket’s chirp). Goddammit! Why the hell am I ALWAYS the only that these thing happen to?! Anyway back to the fighting.) Cloud gets KO’ed by the carp and Domino pins him for the three. TS: Domino wins! Now HE is the true star of...hold on Huey from Square has come out with a Mic. Huey: You think you’re gonna be the star of FF7 do you Tortellini? Well, so be it. But, we’re not changing the game what so ever. So you’ll be the unsung and un-regarded hero, baldy! MWA HA HA! Domino: OK then! Now I’ll have to fight as the person who actually gets regarded as the hero! MT: I swear this job gets weirder and weirder. TS: Mike, don’t EVER ask me to announce with you here again. MT: Fine, whatever. The next match is between Cait Sith and Rufus in a hair VS hair match. Rufus and Cait are already in the ring and Cait has grown his hair into a really big Afro (FORSHADOWING!). Lane: Ok you two no pulling on the hair, so LET’S GET IT ON! Cait Sith starts off by bum rushing Rufus and knocking him down. Cait Sith then starts bouncing up and down on Rufus’ stomach. Cait Sith: BOUNCY! BOUNCY! BOUNCY! BOUNCY! Rufus casually grabs Cait Sith by his tail and just hurls him into the turnbuckle. Stunning him effectively. Cait Sith: Oh, my head. Rufus pulls cat to the center of the ring, steps on his back and pulls on his tail, (HEY! It hurts my friend’s cat. Yes is really IS my friends.) Which makes Cait tap out (you know submit, give up because of pain). Rufus, with and evil little grin on his face grabs the electric razor. Rufus: Ya know cat, I’ve wanting to have payback like this for a loooong time. Rufus then shaves Cait’s head until he’s bald. JR: WHATTA MATCH THAT WAS! TS: Yep, it was a great match, probably wasn’t so good for Cait though. Let’s go backstage where Hampton Rose (Author: he’s a friend of mine) is going to interview Cait Sith. Hampton: Cait, how do you take losing your hair, and how the hell did you grow that Afro. Cait: Well, I think this will explain it all... Cait Sith rips of the bald spot which was really one of those bald wig-like thingy bobs. Cait: IT WASN’T REAL HAIR! I thought since Rufus had such a height and weight advantage on me that, I’d be prepared in the event that I lost! My plan worked perfectly. JR: Wow. Talk about strategy! MT: That is one SMART cat. TS: Most certainly. Onto our next match between Reno and Rude, this match is two fold. First it’s for leadership of the Turks, and secondly it’s to go on a date with Elena. Elena: (In a southern Jezabelle type accent) I love it when men fight over me, really I do. Reno: (Is VERY drunk) I’m gonna be *hic* leader of the group. Rude: (Sober for once) Yeah right, and Scarlet doesn’t have any low-cut dresses. Scarlet: (audience) HEY! Reeve: (Next to Scarlet) it’s true ya know. Scarlet: You’ve been noticing? OH REEVE! Reeve: NO! NO! THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT! NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Scarlet pounces on Reeve. Reeve: HELP ME! HELP ME!!! AAHHH!!!!!!! Back in the ring. Lane: OK YOU TWO, LET’S GET IT ON! Rude starts off by doing some karate chops and kicks to Reno, but since he’s drunk he hardly feels a thing. Reno: What ya doing? Rude continually pummels Reno Twenty Minutes Later Rude is now completely exhausted from hitting Reno constantly to no avail and topples over. Reno seeing a break pins Rude for the three. At the announcer’s table, Jim Ross and Mike Tenay are asleep. TS: Hey guys, wake up the match is over. MT: Huh, what? Oh ok, man that was a GREAT match, I think. JR: Yeah, it was a heart stopper. The suspense put me out. Michel Buffer: Ladies and Gentlemen, are you ready?! Crowd cheers MB: I SAID ARE YOU RRREADY?! Crowd Cheers really loud MB: Then with the thousands in attendance and the millions reading around the world, ladies and gentlemen LET’S GET READY TO RUUUUMMMBBBBBLLLLLLLEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Owen and Cid start down towards the ring. MB: Coming to the ring now weighing a combined weight of 300 pounds Owen Humphreys and Cid! Owen is a charter member of the New World Order WOLFPAC! And Cid...well...He’s just stands around, smokes and cusses. Hanpan and Spencer start down the ramp. MB: Coming to the ring now weighing a combined weight of 160 pounds HANPAN AND SPENCER! Lane: LET’S GET IT ON! Owen and Spencer start out in the ring, and circle each other. Owen: You be going down, WE’RE gonna win. Spencer: Yeah right. HEY IS THAT CINDY CRAWFORD?! OH MY GOD SHE’S NUDE! Spencer points at the audience and Owen (being gullible) looks. Spencer takes this opportunity and performs the Tombstone Piledriver. As Cid trys to save Owen from the pin Hanpan attacks Cid, Stunners him and Spencer makes the three count. MT: HANPAN AND SPENCER WON! TS: They won again! JR: Owen has been handed another loss. Hanpan and Spencer leave the ring to celebrate. Owen grabs the Mic. Owen: HEY HANPAN AND SPENCER! Umm...we now know that we’re evenly matched so let’s call a truce. Hanpan: OK WHATEVER! JR: Well folks it’s been a great night! We have a new leader of the Turks, a truce is now called between Hanpan and Owen and Domino is now the hero of FF7 but it is not widely know yet. Tony Schiavone: Thanks for being with us tonight folks, I’m Tony Schiavone Mike Tenay: I’m Mike Tenay Jim Ross: And I’m Jim Ross. All Three: GOOD NIGHT! AND PLEASE READ AGAIN! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Author’s Notes: HEY YO! I wrote this over the span of a full week, and I was in a pissy mood the entire time (hey, having your teacher say ALL your ideas were garbage would make you upset too!). I’ve changed my mind, Instead of just six of these things, I’m gonna keep writing them until I run out of ideas. The next one will be called well, I dunno what it will be called what It’ll be called something cool. BTW all matches in ALL my NPPRs are decided by coin-toss. The line-up for the next one is as follows: Westward Stabber VS Yuffie Travis Allen VS Ben McKee VS Fritz Fraundorf (Triple Threat Match!) Owen Humphreys VS Ally-Chan