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The Mailbag - September 21st, 1998

Today's edition of The Mailbag covers NPPR, Oscar, Every Day is Cat Day, Rat Patrol, Spam, Korky, Clyde Hudman, Ted Woolsey, and what is possibly the strangest letter in the history of the Internet.

Q: I just have one question, in Cid Wars Palmer says they used parts from the Mir yet in MSGTW the Mir is intact? how?

Hanpan sez: They just used parts from it; they didn't assemble the whole thing. All they did was make the Mir even less reliable that it was before. Simpleton.

=->. The Sam & Max show was for Sat. mornings, but Max was a total phycho! It ruled!
Max sez: You sound like you're reading from our contract.
Fritz sez: I'm sorry I missed it... I never get any good shows (no Pokemon...)
Hanpan sez: Phycho? Isn't that a drug store?

:P. Ohhh, to find out about Catreece go to:
http://www.tcp.com/%7Ebigboote/rchome.html
it hasn't been updated in ages, but there's a link to the main page here.
Hanpan sez: These smiley faces are giving me the creeps.
Cait sez:

= (. I'm sorry Cait, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, I just thought since Max is Hanpan's sidekick, it'd be useful for him to know that.
Cait sez: Know what? What are we talking about?
Hanpan sez: Don't worry about it. Cait's clueless. And that's the bottom line.

=o]). Hey! Can I use your Yuffie/ Artemis/ Icky thing in "Spawn vs Oscar"? It's an interesting twist that'll mess with people's minds!! Mwaahaahhaaa!! I'm evil! *cough* S'cuse me...
Cait sez: Sure, go ahead. It sounds like a great idea. Spencer, send out a press release annoucing this.
Hanpan sez: NOOO!! I forbid you! Why? Because Hanpan said so!

^_~. Finally, I will not be doing anymore business with "Yuffie Cave" anymore, all the figures I got there broke!
Hanpan sez: Figures, all the U.S. ones are made out of cheapy plastic.
Cait sez: Can you believe there's not a figure of ME? Why not? How cuter can you get?
Max sez: I'm cute, marketable, and totally psychotic!
Hanpan sez: Are you sure you don't mean "phychotic!"?

Thanks,
Ally-Chan

1. Hanpan, you picked the wrong sidekick (to be blunt.) As a matter of fact, I think you and Korky (that kickass spirit beast from Granstream Saga.) Or a trio! That would rule! I could just imagine you two sharing your dislike of people calling you various inferior things.
Max sez: I hate it when people call me Hello Kitty!
Hanpan sez: Korky is a copy of me, thimblehead.

Korky: I'M NOT A DAMN BIRD!

2. Max, you and I, we should party! I'll bring some push-up pops and Old Dutch bean dip and orange marshmallow peanuts and graham crackers with grape jelly and frozen burritos you can hammer nails with! Not only that, we can stay up till 8 AM watching "Monty Python's Meaning of Life" and old M*A*S*H reruns! Be sure to bring a videotape of "Rat Patrol!"
Max sez: Rat Patrol!
Cait sez: You ought to bring one of those really stale loafs of french bread from Beath of Flams.

3. Cait, where can I get a copy of "Every Day is Cat Day?" I know what it's about n' everything, but I suppose I'd want a copy of it when I begin work with you!
Cait sez: Go to PSMOnline (er, IGNPSX) and look in their list of import stores. One of them should have it. It's an awesome game. Now they just need to make a game about Luna...

-The New Guy

It's...The...
Moogle and the Cat...
The Moogle and the Cat...
They're owned and run by Reeve
Who really is a Rat.
They kidnapped little Marlene...
And tried to kill Charlie Sheen...
The Moogle and the Cat Cat Cat Cat Cat.....
1) Why did you kidnap little Marlene?
Cait sez: I didn't do nothings!
Barret sez: WHAT ABOUT MARLENE?!?

2) Why did you try to kill Charlie Sheen?
Hanpan sez: What in the name of Zephyr are you talking about?
Cait sez: Man, this is a weird mailbag today.
Spencer sez: It gets weirder, guys.

3) Uh, have you noticed that Hanpan looks exactly like that cat/bunny thingy from Tenchi Muyo?
Hanpan sez: No. Because I don't. And that's the bottom line.

4) Hey, Senator Leiberrman insulted Clinton a while ago! Does that mean that all the loyal gamers should now leap to Clinton's support?
Propmeister sez: Careful how you answer; he's killed people over less then this.
Hanpan sez: No, it just means we should give all politicians the finger.
Cait sez: Hey, I'M a politician! I have an embassy and everything!
Hanpan sez: I rest my case.

5) Sailor Moon? YOU LIKE THEM?!?!? They are one of the embodyments of evil, a twisted creation of the same demon who created Hanson, the Spice Girls, and Captain Planet! How could you like them???
Cait sez: Luna...
Hanpan sez: I have to side with you here, Totally Inconsiderate Man.
Cait sez: WHAT!? Hanpan, you've betrayed Luna!
Fritz sez: Dragon Ball, now that's evil... ::ducks head::

6) Daravon, Daravon, Daravon...Everybody talks about Daravon. Nobody mentions the his evil counterpart in the game... Alazlam!
T.I.M. sez: ALAZLAM!!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME?? YOU BETTER, 'CAUSE I'M COMIN' FOR YOU!!! YOU AND DARAVON AGAINST ME AND TED WOOLSEY!! IN THE RING!!! NEXT NPPR!!! I'LL MOP THE FLOOR WITH YOUR FAKE HISTORY!!!!!!
Propmeister sez: Oh, boy, he's mad now...
Hanpan sez: Are you crazy? Ted Woolsey is even worse than Daravon! At least Daravon tries to keep the names the same.
Fritz sez: HE RUINED BREATH OF FIRE! HE BROKE BOF1! NOBODY TOUCHES BOF!
Domino sez: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Cait sez: I've got it! Alazlam must be Ted Woolsey in disguise!
Daravon sez: This guy are sick.

7) Uh, actually, the books list the Ultimate Question as 'What is six times nine?' The math is wrong because of those hairdressers that invaded Earth or because the Universe is really screwed up. But we knew that already. Well, that's all I can think to ask for now. 'Til next time!
"Totally Inconsiderate Man, AWAY!!!"

Q: Hey Cait,

1) What is with that limb guy? Wasn't Clyde Hudman supposed to answer the mail.
Cait sez: Clyde didn't get any mail.

2) Fritz, were you forced to let Clyde answer mail because he is the new owner of FFnetwork?
Fritz sez: No. Clyde isn't even the new owner of FF Network anyway.

3) Cait, you never posted my letter saying I was sorry about saying you sucked and it was because of, *shiver*, your Death Joker move.
Cait sez: Hmm, I wonder why?
Hanpan sez: Simpleton.

4) Hey Clyde, you're cool. That wasn't a question so I will ask the rest of the mailbag gang what they think of you. Hey guys, what do ya think of Clyde?
Cait sez: Um, he's pretty cool, I guess.
Hanpan sez: He's a simpleton. Everyone knows Kiko was a fake. Why? BECAUSE HANPAN SAID SO!
Spencer sez: He didn't get enough mail.
Max sez: Who's Clyde?

5) What is sprynet?
Cait sez: Sprynet is an ISP with a weird name.

6) Hey Mailbag gang. What were you doing the past week?
Cait sez: We were trying to figure out what makes sprinklers turn back and forth 'cuz they don't have a power cord.

7) I am glad you started answering right after the question. I hated scrolling down then up, down then up, down then up. Crap! Yuffie just puked on me. I still like her though. I have a site about her. http://welcome.to/yuffie . Hey, I can't give up free advertising can I?
Cait sez: Ewwwww...
Spencer sez: In the words of the Evil One herself, "Grossness!"

that anomynous reader
a.k.a. gamaholic

P.S. I think a gunfight is happening down the street. Othewise I would have written a longer letter.
Max sez: Oooh! Oooh! A gunfight? Where?

Q: Propeller Beanie Man? Is he Mega Man X's next battle? Oh... wait.... it would have to be Mega Man's next battle... You see? By the way, Fritz, have you tried the Capcom vs. Marvel arcade game yet? There are some good fighters in there... mostly the ones from old video games though... they're the best, especially Mega Man and Strider Hiryu.

1) What was that I saw? The Kain Fan Club? Excuse me, the Official Guys Named Kain Fan Club and so on... I might have to get in touch with this Lady Marrah...
Cait sez: Huh? Is this a question?
Spencer sez: We're starting a certain fan club soon. Watch for it soon, along with an official press release!

2) That wasn't a question?
Hanpan sez: At last he comes to his senses.

3) Where can I learn to speak Daravonese in German? Eh?
Hanpan sez: Just take Daravonese and translate it into German. The more languages it's translated through, the better.
Daravon sez: I had a good feeling!

4) Non-English joke... possibly... ... ... okay, maybe not... I could send you a poem translated to German, but where's the fun in that? Huh?
Hanpan sez: There isn't any. Go away, simpleton.
Cait sez: Poems give me the willies.

5) Which person on the Mailbag staff has enough hand-eye coordination to juggle? Anyone?
Cait sez: Me! Me! Watch, I'll juggle three active chainsaws... look, look, I'm doing it, and... whoops!
Hanpan sez: Oh my God, Cait Sith killed Biggs and Wedge! You bastard!

6) Kett Shee? Really? Which reminds me... Did Katt in BoF2 have a last name?
Hanpan sez: Nope. None of the BOF characters have last names.

7) I want to apologize to Fritz. Hey! Don't go away yet, I'm not done! My brother (everyone knows him... I think. You know, Cid? The one that beat up Hanp... er... Stone Cold Hanpan. And had Fritz's child... Mmmmm... Fritz's....) He only ever sent one thing about Fritz's child, and I was the one who continued the saga. Well, of course, there never was a child in the first place. My brother just had a really bad case of bloating. And I had to continue this for my own enjoyment. So I'm stopping it here. Okay? Good.
Cait sez: Okay.
Hanpan sez: I owe Cid one... him and Humphreys...

8) Anyone watch Jackie Chan movies on the Mailbag Staff? They're pretty good... except Operation Condor... that was the one where he worked for America, right?
Cait sez: I like Kain Candy movies.
Hanpan sez: Yeah, me too. Especially Kain Candy's First Strike and Mr. Schizophrenic Guy.

Kain Dragoon

Q: I'm da farmer! I work with da animals! I work with da cows! I slaughter da cows! Da milk from chickens can be made into Post-It notes! My dog tastes like da Spam! I like da Spam! SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!
SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SP
AM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!
SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!
SPAM!SPAM!
SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!
SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!
SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPA
M!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!
SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!
SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!S
PAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!
SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!
SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM
!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!
SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!
SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SP
AM!SPAM!SPAM!
SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!
SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!
SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!
SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!
SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!
SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!
SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPA
M!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!
SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!SPAM!

Cait sez: Ok, this wasn't actually wasn't send to the Mailbag, but what the heck else were we going to do with it?
Hanpan sez: Let us take a moment to ponder the wonders of nature, like how your species ever survived natural selection.
Cait sez: This would have been the weirdest letter we've ever gotten, except this next one beats it hands down...

Q: Word up Fools

Yo, I wuz just sent to dis hood to set sum shit straight. You see, me and my homez be down wit' Palmer, and we seem to think dat you be trippin' on Palmer HQ. Well, me and mah bro Bob be da numba one g'z around here, we busted a cap in Parappa'z skanky bitchass, and fo'sed PJ Berry to mix sum rhymes fo' us at gunpoint. We be baaad muthafuckaz, and our beat don't stop fo' no one, you know what i'm sayin'? Now, all we ask fo' iz a little respect to those who deserve it! You bizniches don't even give my g'z at Palmer HQ a link, when yo' page be a direct ca'bon copy of it! You do, howeva', give that cocksucka' playahata John La Rusic a link!

We be sen-sa-ble Bubble Dinosaurs, but we also badass Bubble Dinos. If you don't comply, we be puttin' yo' ass in a bubble.

Oh yes, diz here letter iz to go in de mailbag. We want de whole world to be down wit' dis. Ya know what i'm sayin'?

Wit' much Bubble Bobble love,
Bub

Bub B. Bobble - Pimpass Bubble Dinosaur Extraordinaire
- bubblun@hotmail.com -
- http://macross.simplenet.com/gw/bubble -
I'm the mack daddy Bubble Dinosaur, and it ain't no
joke, my flow is fresh as i take a toke / the word on
da streets is dat i'm a baad muthafucka, if you don't
believe it you a fool ass sucka! / If you in a bubble
afraid you might burst, you just messed with the dino
ranked in first, y'all!
Bubble Bobble y'all, Bubble Bobble y'all. If you be
a turkey we make you gobble.
I'm fresh and phat, and I got my gat, all the fools
don't funk like dat / In the rain or in the snow, my
bubbles be bad and thunderbirds are go! / I mack yo
ladies, and if you don't like it i'll make you cry
like a baby.
Bubble Bobble y'all, Bubble Bobble y'all, We make the
fool ass playa hataz topple.
The Bubble Bobble crew be on the scene, gettin' so
many honeys it's almost obscene / When your bo'friend
comes around I put him in a bubble, Then boot his
bitchass up to hubble! / We mack you fine, we mack you
slow, the bubble bobble crew muthafuckin' knows!
Bubble Bobble y'all, Bubble Bobble y'all, we make all
the ladies squeal and hobble.
Bub got the ladies *yaya*
Bikke the pirate's got mateyz *yaya*
We're a game from the '80s *yaya*
Yet quake be for babies *yaya*
Bubble Bobble y'all, Bubble Bobble y'all, every show we
do is always a mobble!
Peace out, Oldschool 8-Bit Brothers!

Cait sez: And there you have it, folks. Conclusive proof that truth is stranger than fiction.
Hanpan sez: This is without question the strangest letter I have ever seen.
Cait sez: Honestly, anything we could say here would take away from the sanctity of this moment. So we'll shut up now.

(Back to the Cait Sith's Mailbag archive page.)