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Red XIII's Mailbag - September 13th, 1998

Today's edition of Red XIII's Mailbag covers a bunch of stuff that we're too lazy to type up. Cait Sith and the gang are trying to figure out what makes sprinklers turn, and are off mailbag duty tomorrow. Send your questions and comments to The Guy Who Always Cuts Off Your Limbs's Mailbag instead. Be sure to put "Limb Guy's Mailbag" in the subject line so The Guy Who Always Cuts Off Your Limbs will know it's for him. And while Cait is gone, we're conducting a survey behind his back... which type of mailbag do you prefer? A) Cait Sith's Mailbag (original flavor) B) The Mailbag (current format) C) Guest Editors (a different person every day) Send your vote to Spencer!

Q: Hey Red! Here's a couple of questions.

1) What the HELL was that scene in the ff7 ending about? C'mon, you can tell us! We're your BUDDIES!
Red XIII says: Further information on this topic is pending in Cait Sith and the Forty Thieves. Please revisit us on next Sunday for further information.

2) Why does Fritz keep ragging on Xenogears? I've played the demo, and it looks pretty good. Not to mention that Square seems to have laid off Daravon -- the translation is actually legible! Plus, Lucca from Chrono Trigger has a cameo. No, really! She's the one who explains how to save your game in the beginners room.
Fritz sez: Ragging on Xenogears? Where? Honestly, I don't remember bashing it anywhere. It looks pretty cool; I'd get it if it wasn't coming out on the same day as Metal Gear Solid ^_^.
Red XIII says: That's interesting about Lucca. Perhaps I will have the chance to challenge her in Scrabble.

Well, that's it. Whoop Hanpan's little blue hiney at scrabble for me, OK?

Dear Cait Sith, Got a couple of questions.

1. How is "Cait Sith and the Forty Thieves" coming along?
Red XIII says: Very well. We expect it to be completed on September 20th, 1998.

2. I'm working on a fanfic. When I was reading Guardian Amulet 2 I remember the part when they ran into Aya Brea (from Parasite Eve). Can I add her (in New York) into my fanfic? If I can finish it (and if I think it's good enough) I'll try to send it to you.
Red XIII says: Yes, you are welcome to do that.

3. Where IS Sephiroth right now?
Red XIII says: He is currently working on his next movie, Beowulf II: Grendel Strikes Back. It concerns an object from space hurtling towards the Planet.

4. Ever played "Commados: Behind Enemy Lines"? That's a great game.
Red XIII says: I can't participate any forms of electronic entertainment as I lack opposable fingers.

5. Question for the Entire Staff: What's your favorite video game?
Entire Staff says: Hi, my name is Entire R. Staff and I live in a shoe. My favorite game is Xexyz because it has a weird name.
Red XIII says: My favorite game is Chessmaster.
Fritz sez: Donkey Kong Country 2. Hold on while I drag Cait back here for a moment...
Hanpan sez: Carnage Heart. The only game that challenges my superior intelligence.
Max sez: My own game! What else?
Cait sez: Every Day Is Cat Day! That game's da bomb!
Random Guy sez: Boombox cars are da bomb!

6. Do you think "James Bond: Tommorow Never Dies" (video game) will be better than "Goldeneye" (video game)?
Red XIII says: That chances are good that it will not be, due to the fact that it is not being developed by Rare.

7. Wild Arms rocks! (I was playing it and I had to say it)
Red XIII says: I will pass your comments along to Hanpan.

8. Hey Hanpan, where's Jack, Rudy, and Cecilia?
Red XIII says: Unfortunately, Hanpan is not here, so he cannot answer your question. Please send your comments to him when he returns.

9. Is Aya Brea going to make another cameo in another of your fanfics?
Red XIII says: As of this time, that has not been fully decided. The odds are leaning towards a positive statement regarding this matter.
Fritz sez: It's Alan Greenspan! In the body of Red XIII!

10. What does Peco eat?
Red XIII says: He doesn't eat anything. He is a plant, so he creates energy from sunlight and nutrients.

-Kage

1. What's 100 + 300
Red XIII says: 400.

2. what's 500 x 600
Red XIII says: 300,000.

3. do you have the answers to my math homework?
Red XIII says: Yes, but if I helped you, you wouldn't learn anything.

4. What is parasite eve about?
Red XIII says: It is about mitochondria in cells revolting and turning organisms in mutants. I am quite upset by this premise as it is scientifically impossible. I tried to warn them, but they would not listen to me.

5. I heard that a chocobo once attacked racing champion joe, is this what cid wars III is going to be based on?
Red XIII says: Cid Wars III will be based on the exploits of the Cids to rescue Cid VIII from Square, who is attempting to slay him.

6. Did you see that new ff8 villian, she stole coon's(saga frontier person) hair
Red XIII says: For those of you who are not clear as to what this question is talking about, Coon was known as Riki in the English version of SaGa Frontier.

7. plus who the hell is spencer?
Red XIII says: Spencer is Cait Sith's press secretary. He was hired because Cait Sith liked his name.

8. also last but not least, are you all one person or are you each individual people, if you are individ people in RL and like just answerin' the mail at the webmasters house i think that kicks ass.
Red XIII says: All the mailbag editors are figments of Fritz's imagination.
Hanpan sez: Hey!
Max sez: Cait, what's a figment?
Cait sez: I think it's like a Fig Newton, only mint-flavored.
Max sez: Oh. ...I want one of those.

---Louie

1. Hey, Red XIII, what do you think of The U.S. Unoffcial Fianl Fantasy VIII Home Page?

A: It's the best FF8 page ever!

2. Who do you think is smarter, you or Hanpan?

A: Hanpan is stupid, he can't fight, it takes smarts to fight....

3. Why do you people think that incorrectly answering math problems is funny?

a: Because we are totally lame! We suck! USUNFF8 Rules!

4. Um, I was only kidding about that last one.

A: We bow down to you, O mighty Clyde Hudman.

5. When can I host a Cosmo Canyon mailbag?

A: Tomorrow! Clyde is da bomb! Send all you questions and comments to Clyde Hudman's mailbag!

6. I like cheese.

A: Did you know that 4 x 2 = 42?

7. La la la

A: Hey, it's Clyde Hudman day tomorrow! Rejoice!!

-Clyde Hudman

Q: Red,
The Yuffie conspiricy files disappeared all of a sudden. Why? I never got the chance to read them! Could I have the pre-august copy? Otherwise, cool page. I think I'll enjoy reading your mailbag.

Frank

Red XIII says: Just go to the Humor section of this page, and click on the "Yuffie Conspiracy Theory" link. I am glad to help.

1) Yes

2) The turks

3) Well, it's either because cloud was taller than him, or because of the megaphone.

4) No. Never.

5) Cait did.

You're right, that was fun!
Drakkus

1. Wanna see how far i can dropkick an alien?
Red XIII says: If you wish to demonstrate your talents, I would be glad to watch.

2. You are tatooed 13... that must mean there are at least 13 of you... WHY DONT YA GO LOOK FOR EM LAZY PANTS! ?
Red XIII says: I was the 13th test subject for Hojo's experiments with Jenova cells. The other subjects, numbered 1-12, respectively, are all human. They were ebony cloaks and work for the tobacco industry.

3. Whos smarter you or hanpan?
Red XIII says: I believe that I have a higher IQ than Hanpan, however, we both excel in certain areas.

4. Who won that chess match? You or Hanpan?
Red XIII says: It was a stalemate.

5. Can you believe that smart Chrono guy? Im gonna kick his ass so hard that the next smart chrono is gonna feel it....
Red XIII says: Perhaps you should participate in a friendly chess match.

6. You think i can beat him.... right?
Red XIII says: I do not have the information to make a proper judgment.

7. Did Travis get that fanfic i sent? Did fritz get the song i sent? just curious.
Red XIII says: You will have to ask Travis about the fanfic.

8. Care to have a philisophical discussion on the role of religion in history and war? How about theexistance of god and his(?) relevence to life in the universe?
Red XIII says: I would enjoy that. Please contact me via e-mail.

Okay thats all until we meet again- The Infamous Westward Stabber

Is that thing Cait said yesterday about answering your own questions true?

I guess it was. Bye.

anomynous reader

1. Red, would you say your species is more closely related to the lion or tiger?
Red XIII says: We are more closely related to the lion.

2. Would you have preferred to have been assigned a more creative name, like "Crimson" or something like that?
Red XIII says: I do not mind going by "Red". My real name, of course, is Nanaki.

3. Do you get special government protections, since you're an endangered species?
Red XIII says: I did not previously, but I do now that Shinra has enacted an environmental protection act.

4. On the same note, do you get disability benefits for all those war scars you've built up over the years?
Red XIII says: No, I do not.

5. What happened to Bugenhagen's legs? And, if they were cut off or something, why is he still alive instead of dead from mass hemorrhaging?
Red XIII says: Bugenhagen lost his legs in a tragic wallaby mishap.

6. Why didn't you notice when Kasparov cheated against you in the chess match?
Red XIII says: I was attempting to locate the celebrities that he was pointing out for me, but I could not detect them. And who is Tupac?

Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions.

~Freak Newsman

1. Have you ever though of getting in the ring in a royal rumble against every single person who thought you were a dog? I'll help you if you want me to! I'm useful with a crowbar.
Red XIII says: I do not bear malice towards those who believe I am a dog. My species is not well-known.

2. Do you know when Fritz will have the MSTing section up, Nanaki? I wanna send 14 parts of the Neo-Scouts MSTing for him for the section! And I still got 2 more of them to do.... weird huh?
Red XIII says: We estimate that the MST section will be functioning at a later time during this week.

3. How many licks does it take to get to a center of a tootsie roll pop?
Red XIII says: 498.

Ok... That's about it for me! Ciao!

CrowBar
-MSTier of bad fanfics

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