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The Mailbag - September 12th, 1998

The Mailbag is under new management! It's now being run jointly by Cait Sith, Hanpan, Max, and Spencer the press secretary. In today's edition, the Mailbag team tackles various stuff. Cait Sith and Spencer are busy putting the finishing touches on their 500-page report on whether Rufus had inappropriate sexual relations with his door, and are off mailbag duty tomorrow. Send your questions and comments to Red XIII's Mailbag instead.

Q: Hey, Cait, how's it going? I don't have much to say, despite my long absence, but a few things come to my mind. First of all to Hanpan, the word is dummkopf, not dumbkopf...Simpleton. You are lower than a pet. Ok, now, back to you Cait. I just read about your adventures in Washington...and thanx for saving Rufus. Rufus really is the best character in FF7...and Seph is definately number two....you have managed to raise yourself a little in my esteem. Although Sephiroth did most of the work, I suppose you deserve some credit for your moronic but strangely useful idea of buisness cards. Nice job. About the Jade Monkey, I really though #6 was a better story than either of the winners....just my worthless oppinion which has no effect on the way things are whatsoever. That's all for now, I am sure I will have some questions to boggle your feeble, I mean feline brain later. Auf Wiedersehen!

P.S. That was really sick what you did to Ruby.....really sick

Hanpan sez: I already printed a correction of that dummkopf thing a couple days ago! Haven't you been paying attention? Thimblehead.

Fritz sez: Picking a Jade Monkey winner was really tough. Next time I'm going to have some criteria on which the story will be based, so it won't be such an arbitarty decision.

Cait sez: What did I do to Ruby? I didn't do anything to Ruby! SHE was the one trying to kill me! I'm innocent, I tell ya! Innocent! I've been framed!

1. Is Kefka a relative of Beavis?
Cait sez: Due to popular demand we are now putting the replies below each individual question.

2. Will their be a Fanfic that stars Rei? He's a favorite character of mine!
Fritz sez: Not as a star, but he will be a major character in one of the upcoming ones.

3. Or how about one that stars Magus? I like him to.
Hanpan sez: Don't get your hopes up, kid.

4. Will Cid Wars 3 be worth reading? I read the first 2 and liked them.
Cait sez: Absolutely not. It's going to be utter garbage. We highly advise that you do not read it. Even Fritz is not going to read it and he's writing it.

5. Im also pretty sure that Hart will have an outburst due to repressing his urges to get angry at a PaRappa references, you guys better watch him.
Cait sez: The last we heard of Hart is that he is hunting down anyone who kills Vicks and Wedge because he feels that now that joke is getting old.
Max sez: Old jokes are always the best.

Thanks guys!
Dan the Hippy

Cait sez: But if we answer the questions up there, what are we going to put down here?

Well it is in base 13 but..

Anyway 1. How big is the average Materia Orb?
Cait sez: As big as your mom. Hee hee.

1a. How come the mateira slots in the Buster Sword are so big, yet the size of your megaphone is small..?
Cait sez: They aren't that big at all. What are you talking about? Get some glasses!

2. How big is the average Magicite Shard?
Cait sez: Judging from the game, they appear to be almost as large as a person. Of course, so are most treasure chests.

3. Has Jean wrote a Black Materia song?
Jean sez: Black, black, black... this is the Materia song.
Cait sez: He has now.

4. Kett Shee.. ok i get that part but whats the "WIthout a t on the end" part.. see there's still a problem with that.. I dont pronounce it Kett Sheet normally. I pronounce it Kate Sith.. which is how it's spelt..
Cait sez: Then you are a lamer and I hate you. I have a Gaelic name. Please pronounce it correctly. It's "Kett Shii"
Hanpan sez: Yeah! Or else I'll have to open up a can of whoop-ass!

5. Did the original Cait Sith use that Manipulate Materia he comes with?

6. Max, kick that Lorn (THe Friend For Life) for me, will ya?
Max sez: Hey, Lorn, this mailbag guy says I get to kick you! And I get to discharge unregistered firearms within city limits, too!
Hanpan sez: You crack me up, little buddy.

7. Hanpan, if you wrote a song would it be called "Brain the size of a planet, and they make me do a mailbag?"
Hanpan sez: Your intelligence is determined by the number of wrinkles in your brain, not your brain's size. Obviously you don't have very many wrinkles.

8. I know Lucca ya know. I did her new link button (and her old imagemap before she made the new version)
Cait sez: Well, aren't we all proud of you, Mr. Fancy Pants!
Hanpan sez: I beat Lucca in Scrabble. Twice.

9. wassailing basically means "toasting", ok!?
Cait sez: No!?

10. This one's for Wedge. Is that a 10 tonne weight falling on your head?

11. I guess it was. Bye.

Cait sez: Hey, everybody! Tomorrow is Answer Your Own Questions Day! Write in with a question and answer it yourself! It's loads of fun!

Thanks for your advice about 2 months ago. I'd buy Wild ARMs, but I can't find it in a retail store... shoot.
Cait sez: Does anybody remember what advice we gave this guy?
Hanpan sez: I wasn't around, don't look at me.
Spencer sez: Yeah, same here. Max sez: I want my money back.
Cait sez: You didn't pay any money.
Max sez: Well, somebody better give me some money right now!

(1) Does Blue in Saga Frontier have a good ending and a blah ending? I went through all the trouble to beat the last boss and all I got was "THE END". Did I do something wrong?
Cait sez: Yes. You have not been deemed worthy to view the true ending. To view it, you must send me three marbles for my collection.
Hanpan sez: Shut up Cait.
Spencer sez: No. There's only that one ending.

(2) (Similar question about BOF1.)
Cait sez: (Similar answer to first question)
Hanpan sez: No, Cait, you're wrong. EVERYBODY knows that to get the good ending, you have to use the Agni (aka Anfini) dragon form on Myria, which you can get by going back to the place where you got the Sacred Water.

(3) I'm thinking of writing a fanfic with you as the star, but I can't think of anything good... would you mind living in a pinkish submarine?
Cait sez: As long it has a paddleball set, sure. I need to keep training... someday I'm going to break the world record. And when I do, you can bet Spencer will be there to send out a press release.

(4) I would still have your portrait on my wall, but my sister took it just in case she needs it for an art project. That wasn't a question, was it?
Cait sez: No.
Hanpan sez: Sievebrain.

(5) What's the best PSX RPG in your opinion(s)?
Cait sez: FF7, it has lots of cool characters.
Hanpan sez: I like Persona and FF Tactics. Everything else is too easy.
Max sez: Is Carmageddon considered an RPG?

I was going to ask you something else, but I forgot what it was. Don't you hate that?
Cait sez: No. It means less work for me.

Q: (If the address is jgrof@texas.net,it's wrong. It's epoch@texas.net!)

Hi! Hurricane Whatsiface is supposed to be ripping through here later on,so I'll write this down before all the electricity gets cut off. :)

1: I'm writing a psuedo-FAQ like Beath of Flams! It's called Doofia and contains lots of Sailor Scout stuff in it. However,I am having a lot of trouble with humor,as I'm not naturally a funny guy. Any ideas for a bunch of yuks which aren't already taken by Beath?
Hanpan sez: Oh yeah. We just have hundreds of jokes that we don't use. We're saving them all for you.
Cait sez: Oooh! Oooh! Is Luna gonna be in it?

2: Tell everyone to stop fighting,or I,Cosmic Knight,will come out and whoop everyone's ass with my silver darts! Ha ha ha!! Hanpan sez: Yeah! If you don't stop beating each other up, we'll beat you up! Play fair now. U.S. foreign policy... because we have bigger guns!

3: Don't worry,you'll still have me,even if everyone else leaves the FFnetwork. ^_^
Max sez: That's really sweet, Cosmic Knight. I may weep openly.
Fritz sez: Actually I meant sites leaving the FF Network, not visitors.

4: Come to my site,Society of Eden,or die! I don't care if it IS Spam! I want more hits and more feedback! B)
Cait sez: Spam spam spam spam!
Hanpan sez: Might help to include the address...

5: Sorry,I don't like PaRappa the Rapper - it's a weird game with lots of stupid stuff in it. No offense,everyone.
Fritz sez: THAT'S THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE GAME! Now I shall put on my magic gloves and take you on a cruise to destroy all of you.
Max sez: Shall I confront, subdue, and pummel the suspected perpetrator, Hanpan?
Barret sez: I don't like that stupid game either. That foo' onion keeps sayin' I be rappin' awful when I be rappin' good. Wha' the dilly yo?

6: Have you ever noticed that Molly in the Sailor Moon story gets attacked so many times. Maybe she has the Vicks and Wedge syndrome.
Cait sez: Molly?
Hanpan sez: Cait only watches Sailor Moon for one thing...

7: You write an Oscar-fic,Cait Sith,you die. Me and Hanpan agree. :P
Cait sez: HEY! I would never write an Oscar-fic! Oscar is evil! He likes small talking cats! You have insulted my sensitivity! I demand a 20-page written retraction.

8: WAAAAAAAAAH!!! You're so MEEEEAN to Yuffie! She's my fave female in FF7,and I don't see why she deserve such abuse. :(
Cait sez: Are you sure YOU aren't Yuffie? You sound just like her.

X: Color me insane. @_@
Cait sez: FONT COLOR="insane"

Cosmic Knight (Keeper of the Key of Eden)

2. Ok, I'm almost done with numero dos in the NPPR line It's really freaky, hee hee hee.
Hanpan sez: After he wrote this letter, he finished it. It's over on the sidebar, so check it out. Why? BECAUSE HANPAN SAID SO!

3. What were you guys smoking ( and where can I get some of it) when you hired Max? No offense to Max I think he's pretty cool I just wouldn't wanna work with him.
Max sez: Just don't call me Hello Kitty or I'll plug you.

4. What is your names?
Daravon sez: What is my names? My names are is Bordam Daravon! Translate Xengolears did I! Meets are my friends Citan! And playings demo Parasite Eve -- using I none contractions no!

5. What is your Quest?
6. What is the air-speed velocity of an un-ladin swallow?
Hanpan sez: You guys, this is like the third time some simpleton has sent this in to us. It was moderately funny the first time. Stop sending it or I'll have to open up a can of whoop-ass.

7. Why is the WONDERFUL SITE PALMER HQ (sorry shameless plug) referred to on your site (and Vice-versa) and yet neither of you have links to the other?
Fritz sez: Palmer HQ was a great site, but they haven't updated in ages. Which is probably why they haven't linked to here ^_^.

8. To that Louie guy, actually there is another page where Shin-ra does TV it's at here. IT's A VERY WONDERFUL SITE AND I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT! (shameless plug!) Ok guys you rock.

"Honorary Cosmo Canyon Member in his own Mind" Owen Humphreys
-OwenWOLFPC@aol.com
Writer of the great NPPR series (WOO-HOO! PLUG 3)

Anti-Glick -
It's not my fault! Those numbers claimed to be as cheap as a regular phone call!
I shall return, and I shall kick Glick's butt in spectacular style. Unfortunately my Nazi Warlords have deserted me, now I need a NEW army of Square.net fans to assist me in my quest!

Hugs & Kisses

Cait sez: Hey Anti-Glick. I bet you got tricked by Yuffie Cave.
Max sez: You should try the Rubber Pants Commandoes for your army.

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