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The Mailbag - September 10th, 1998

The Mailbag is under new management! It's now being run jointly by Cait Sith, Hanpan, Max, and Spencer the press secretary. In today's edition, the Mailbag team tackles pink chocobos, Daravonese, Phantasy Star, the Anti-Glick, Shining Force, more on Sam and Max, the Dreamcast's future, and more insanity. Plus -- the debut of Cosmo Canyon NPPR! (See sidebar)

Q: Now i'm like a second time mailer....

1. I'm disapointed that you haven't even touched the Shining Force Games..... Where's that lovable rodent thief slade at? or that elven little elric like where are they!!!!!! The least you could do is have slade make a guest appearance.

2. Okay, this is for all of you, in ff8 why is the chocobo Pink?

3. Y'know what... well do ya?

4. Hanpan, were you ever possessed by satan?

5. Hanpan, your a guy right?

6. (bites a chunk out of peco's head) mmmm.... mutated onions make my stomache glow.....

7. What do you guys think of the whole monica lewinsky thing?

8. Cait Sith, Do you even know how to pronounce your name?

9. okay uhh.... i'm writing a fan fic can i use your magical school bus & when chocobos attack ideas? it's a fan fic about like the shinra corrporation becoming a TV broadcasting station.

10. do you feel like spontaneously combusting into flames? ---Louie

Hanpan sez:
1. Yeah, Slade's cool. It's not often that we talking rats get roles in games. He's also one of the best characters in the game, too.
Fritz sez: SF2 may appearing in an upcoming fanfic. Stay tuned.
2. It's not pink. It's yellow. Simpleton.
3. Yeah. I know your height, your weight, your likes and dislikes, your age, your entire DNA, and where you live! Mwah ha ha!
4. No.
Max sez: I was possessed by a beast from the cereal aisle once!
5. Of course I am! This isn't FF8.
6. Oh my God, they killed Peco! You bastards!

Cait sez:
7. I think we've all overlooked the real scandal... the whole Socks the Cat-Felicia affair. Socks is giving cats like me a bad name, and I'm not going to take it! I demand a special prosecutor!
Delita sez: I DIDN'T KILL HER! IT WAS A ONE-ARMED MAN! Kenneth Starr sez: Mwah ha ha! No one escapes my wrath!
8. Yes. "kett shee". Please note that there is no "T" on the end of the second word. A lot of people seem to have problems with this.

Fritz sez:
9. Go ahead and use the Magic Airship (although I'm not sure why you'd want to ^_^). However, I ask that you don't use When Chocobos Attack, as it serves as the basis for one of my upcoming fanfics (Cid Wars 3). I don't want to look like I ripped somebody off ^_^. Thanks!

Max sez:
10. I saw a spontaneously-combusting cultist once! It was neato!

Q: A few assorted questions 'n' stuff, in the very fashionable numbered format:

1) Cait, do you remember my sending you an email back when Cait Sith's Mailbag first started?

2) Hanpan, I would consider it an honor for you to call me a simpleton. You are a great genius, indeed.

3) Fritz, have you ever considered adding a Page of Random Insanity? They're all the rage around lucca.simplenet.com ^_^

4) Rufus and the door are having an affair! My good buddy, Foxfyre the Ruby Naga, took some photos of them at a romantic candlelight dinner in a furniture store.

5) KAIN FOREVER!!! I have started the Official Guys Named Kain Fan Club and Revolutionary Army Movement! Join or be destroyed!!! MWAHAHAHA!!

6) Hey Infamous Westward Stabber, remember me from the BoF3 board? That person who asked you about your Gargoyles fanfics?

7) I hope the Anti-Glick kicks Brian Glick's butt...or that of whichever staff member at RPGamer decided to get rid of the Phantasy Star discussion board, leaving good people/dragons like me, Rudra, tATy (or however you capitalize it), and Dragonfire homeless... :P

8) Sociopolitical ramifications! Hey, that sounds like something Hanpan would say!

9) Daravon: I are stalrting realn youl ranguage I am. I ale think Dalavonese more is bettel than Spanish is Spamish learn.

10) Beath...it's what's for dinner...but how does it taste with ketchup?

11)That's all the questions 'n' stuff I can think of.

The black wind howls...

Lady Marrah
http://members.tripod.com/~lady_marrah/

Cait sez:
1. Yeah! You never answered my question, though... are you a cat?

Hanpan sez:
2. Huh? You want me to call you a simpleton? You're even dumber than Jack...

Fritz sez:
3. This whole place IS a Page of Random Insanity.

Cait sez:
4. Spencer! Spencer! Send out a press release! SPEEEEENCE! Somehow, I'm not terribly, surprised, though.

Kain Candy sez:
5. I am Kain Candy, Ninja Priest! I have sailed the Seven Seas, climbed every mountain know to man, and know that the powers I have are enough to overcome jerks like you. And look for my new movie Kain Candy's First Strike, coming soon!

Cait sez:
6. Hey, Westward Stabber, Stabbing Westward signed on to do the music for Duke Nukem: Time to Kill. I just thought you might want to know.
7. Hey! Come to our message boards! (As soon as they come back up). They don't have a topic to begin with, so you can talk about whatever you want! And what kind of discussion would you have about Phantasy Star anyway?
8. Hanpan thinks using big words make him look cool. Maybe I should loan him my Think Yourself Worthless tapes.
9. If you learn Daravonese, you'll have a good feeling! You can also attempt to communicate your thoughts in both Japanese and English, but make sense in neither!
10. Mmm mmm good!
11. Okay.

Q: In response to Mr. Kage's comment on "not buying Dreamcast because it's a Sega product," you're really sad.How ignorant can one be when they won't buy a system simply because it's a Sega system. Maybe if you said "I don't like CD-ROMs," or "The upcoming Sonic game doesn't look too good," then I would understand (although why anyone wouldn't be impressed by the Sonic game, graphics at least, I have no clue). But so much stupidity is being shown by the general public that perhaps it is rightful for Square or any other company not to release certain games to the US because of the ignorance and stupidity of the public as a whole. Anyway, here are some questions..

1. Yo, Stone Cold Hanpan, I can take you down with my eyes closed! C'mon, fight the master of the USUNFF8 tribes, you better gimme a good reason why I shouldn't kick your ass.
2. I have nothing else to say... hey, do you like cheese, the mailbag gang?
3. Cait Sith, why do you suck so much in battle, yet you're such a cool character? Dammit, why can't we live in a world where everyone you obtain in RPgs are GOOD???
4. Oh yeah, USUNFF8 has just celebrated 100,000 hits! Yay!!!
5. La la la.

-Clyde Hudman

Cait sez: Yeah, the Dreamcast looks pretty spiffy, and I think the ball is in Sony's court right now. But I know Bernie is going to screw the system over big time when it comes to the U.S...

Hanpan sez: 1. A good reason? BECAUSE HANPAN SAID SO! Speaking of wrestling, we've posted the first edition of Owen Humphrey's NPPR (No Pay Per Reading) reports on the sidebar. More editions as he writes them.
2. You think I like cheese just because I'm a rat? Well, I got news for you, pal. Rats don't even eat cheese! It gives us heart problems if we eat it.
Cait sez: Behold the power of cheese!
3. You know, now that you mentioned, I tried to think of an RPG that had no useless characters in it, and I just couldn't. Can anybody out there think of one?
4. I'm so happy for you all. Whee.
5. As I walk the streets packin' horses and cases and everything in it, is it that I must always be ready for any action, or caution, or junction, or revolution, or constipation?

Q:
X) Ich bin ein Berliner?

Q) Just to settle the Hitchhiker's Guide question once and for all. The mice were going to say that the question was "What is six times eight?" in the first book, but they decided on "How many roads must a man walk down?" instead. A couple books later, they tried to find it by having a human pull Scrabble pieces out of a bag and got HOW MUCH IS NINE TIMES SIX or some such.

Z) And I'd also like to point out that six (6) times eight (8) equals forty-EIGHT (48), and six (6) times nine (9) equals 54. The only whole numbers you can multiply to get 42 are SEVEN and six. I'm surprised Hanpan hasn't figured this out yet. Simpleton.

K) Is Fritz going to make a page for Spencer's press releases?

R) Does Spencer ever even write those press releases?

L) Are there any plans to release a Mako-green business card? What about flourescent magenta?

R) Tell Fritz to draw Rufus's door.

K) Don't let Rufus get ahold of the picture. We don't want lipstick all over it.

~Nature Leseul

Hanpan sez:
X. Nein, du bist ein Hamburger.
Z. The numbers they had in the book WEREN'T factors of 42! They were six times eight, which was intentionally wrong, you blathering moron. It was supposed to be funny, I guess. In the immortal words of Troy Weathering, "I make mistakes to make other people feel better."

Fritz sez:
K. Hey, that's a cool idea! Look for it next week.

Cait sez:
L. Uh, the market kinda crashed... wow, just like the real stock market! I'm a psychic! Not that I didn't know that before.

Fritz sez:
R. Hey, another cool idea. I'll get to it as soon as I finish coloring all that Beath art.

Cait sez: It would have been cool if you had made all those letters spell out something, but no...

Q: Yo', Cait!

Who says you're a pathetic character. The Brady Games Guide places you and Yuffie in the party all the chance they get, according to them you're the two best characters! I didn't exactly want you two in since I'd already set-up my Healers and such, it was a pain when Aeris perished since I needed to find a brand new healer! Tifa was second, Yuffie, third, so I just transferred the stuff to Tifa.

Anyways, some questions.

1. If you had to prevent one of them from perishing to save the Universe who would you risk your neck to save: Wedge and Vicks (they can't perish at all) or Yuffie?
2. If Yuffie asked you out on a date what would you do?
3. Who's your favorite Esper (not counting yourself.)

Paul Nathans

P.S. I recieved a letter from something that reads the following. I don't know what it portends but I think you should read it.

I am the Spencer Clone.

I am going to take his place and am informing you all of this so you can be helpless, tell Cait Sith and he will be removed. If you recieve this letter meet me at the top of the Shinra Building, I'll be in my Pround Clod 2.0 Blue-and-Grey Armor. Just you and your retarded, idiotic, ugly pet Hanpan or I will hunt you down! I will rip you apart and feed you to Yuffie and then cast a Life 2 Spell so you'll live-on inside her.

You are a freak and a good-for-nothing excuse for a cat! Luna dates me, not you, so you're an idiot, she's already agreed to marry me! And you're the ugliest creature in the Multiverse!

Signed,
The Real Spencer

Hanpan sez: Brady Games said Cait Sith was one of the best characters in the game? LOL. Yet another reason not to ever buy published strategy guides...

1. I wouldn't prevent any of them from "perishing". I do want to save the universe, you know. (Wedge and Vicks are non-perishable items!)
2. I'm a rat! She wouldn't ask me out on a date... er, or would she?
Cait sez: Yuffie Kisaragi IS Yuffie Kisaragi in... Hanpan's Lover!
3. Chupon! He rules.

Spencer sez: I'm a human, not a cat. Why would I be dating Luna? Please, no more cross-species dating here. Just the thought of "Hanpan's Lover" is enough...

Q: Hey! It's the one, the only: Ally-Chan!
I read my last letter and all's I have to say is, I did it! I killed the things, with the things that go boom-boom! So, to start a new fad(as you know I like to do) I will not number the Q's and observations(to save the trees and stuff)
!. The answer to the universe and life and stuff is PIE! Don't ask me why, it just is!
@. I love Max!! Max Rules!! And the show wasn't on _that_ long ago, you know! It was on 'till about a month and a-half ago. I hope, I hope, that they will pick it up for this season!
#. Hey! I ask if I can put Ben in my fic, and some other guy wants to put him in his? That's it Humphreys, you, me, in the Shinra parking lot! You just bought yourself a one way ticket to Whoop-ass country! You don't know who yer dealing with buddy, I am an undefeated Chat-Room brawler! You're going down, little man!!
$. Hey Cait, you're right about the Felicia thing, but she does turn into a little cat, I think.. If not how's about Catreece from the Reality Check! comic? Or Shampoo from Ranma 1/2?
%. Hey Hanpan, did you know that Max has the startling abillity to un-hinge his lower jaw?
^. That kinda looks like half a face doesn't it?
&. Did you know that in the later works of Oscar, Artemis dies, and then is a 14 year old GIRL, with no explanation given?
*. What I really want to know is: Why do they package hot-dogs in packs of ten, when hot-dog buns are in packs of eight?

Later,
Ally-Chan

Cait sez: I refuse to conform! I'll keep using good ol' numbers until the government comes and takes them from me!
1. No it's not, it's Cheese.
2. Cool! Was it really like Sam and Max, or was it some kids' show? I mean, was Max psychotic and stuff?
3. It's NPPR time! Humphreys was a lot of matches to write...
4. Felicia was involved in the whole Socks affair; I'm staying out of that. And Shampoo was the one who taped all of her conversations with Felicia. Never heard of that other chick.
5. Why are you telling Hanpan this? Am I not worthy of this information? You've hurt my feelings... ::sniff::
6. Uh, yeah. Hey, wanna see something cool?

 |-(|:-)

Propeller beanie man!
7. Uh.... yeah... wait, maybe he turned into Yuffie, and now he/she is Hanpan's Lover! Or something like that.
8. You must be shopping at Yuffie Cave, where the customer is number 2! The stores around here sell the hot-dogs in packages of eight.

Q: Neil sez :
I haven't written in a while, but this should make up for it. I AM LEAVING FFNETWORK! (Abs got our phone line cut off) I'll be back, but not any time soon.
If anyone wants to stay in touch, I'm checking my mail account (isdneil@yahoo.com) about once every week. Maybe when I come back in a month I'll have a reader fanfic to offer you Fritz.
Cya

Anti-Glick sez :
As I regretably had our phone line cut off, I cannot attend the RPGamer vs Nazi Warlord fight in the Shinra Carpark. I'll be back when Neil comes back, and THEN I shall destroy Mr Glick. Ew.... were in a Cyber Cafe.... this sucks...... There's nothing else to do except write this EMail and Neil had to book an hour session! Now I'm bored...... uh, bye!

Hugs & Kisses
Neil & Abs
(Isd and Anti-Glick)

Cait sez: You lost your phone line? How!? Did Hanpan chew through it or what?

Hanpan sez: I don't chew through phone lines? Geez, you're think of the Rescue Rangers or something.

Fritz sez: Man, everybody's leaving FF Network, aren't they? I guess that's the end of the Anti-Glick saga... I'll have to work this into the PaRappa File somehow.

Cait sez: "Carpark". Tee hee.

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