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The Mailbag - September 8th, 1998

The Mailbag is under new management! It's now being run jointly by Cait Sith, Hanpan, Max, and Spencer the press secretary. In today's edition, the Mailbag team tackles German, anime, Sam & Max, whether Parasite Eve is worth buying, Spyro the Dragon, NPPR, business cards, cameo apperances, and more insanity.

Q: Whoa... man, it's been one crazy week. This is like only the second time I've been on the net! That's scary. I think I might be losing touch...
1) Fritz obviously doesn't speak German that well. "Ich spreche nicht sehr gut Deutsch"? Heh... He should have said "Ich spreche Deutsch nicht sehr gut", I think...
2) The Question to the Answer to life and everything was never given in the book "Life, the Universe, and Everything". The alien race that wanted to know made "What is six times eight?" up, to try to make up for their terrible mistake (the destruction of Earth a few hours before it gave the question...) But otherwise, you're right.
3) There's already a Magic something-or-other on TV. I don't think we need another. Which reminds me. There's a new TV station where I reside, called Fox Family, and, on weekends, they run a program for little kids. Wanna know what it is? Too bad. It's Donkey Kong Country, or a version that resembles Donkey Kong Country. It's really sad (to me) that anyone would do that... But, then again, they did make a few Mario Brothers TV shows...
4) Got your hand stuck in a gumball machine? Do like Homer did: Let go of the can of soda. Huh? Oh... okay. Let go of the quarter.
5) Does anyone in Cosmo Canyon watch anime? Cid Highwind (my brother, the one who beat you up) has his son. I think he's going to put it up for adoption... (don't see how they can call it a kid... looks like a green slime to me....)
KainDragoon

Fritz sez:
1. Doesn't that sort of prove the point? 2. No, they didn't make that up, that is the answer. The one they (the mice) made up was "How many roads must a man travel down?"

Hanpan sez:
3. It's the Magic School bus, simpleton. 4. Cait was trying to get the gumball out of the machine, not the quarter. That wouldn't work. Of course, if this was me, I would never have gotten my hand stuck in there...
5. Cait does.
Cait sez: Luna.......
Hanpan sez: Sometimes we can get him to watch other stuff too.
Pikachu sez: Everyone watch MY anime! It started today! Bow down before or die, mortals! pi... Ka... CHU!!!
Max sez: I wish he had an anime.
Hanpan sez: You and me both, little buddy.

1. ***SPOILER!!!*** (HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY SPOILER! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO RUIN THE BOOK DON'T READ THIS!) The question of Life, the Universe, and Everything isn't "What do you get when you multiply six by eight". See, the mice on earth where doing research on the question on earth. They knew the answer was 42, but minutes before they got the question earth was destroyed. So, the question is still unanswered (I'm not insane. It's in the book!)

2. Should I buy Parasite Eve?
3. Hey Peco, Just what does a mutated onion eat? (That IS what your are, isn't it?)
4. Hey Max, where's Sam?
5. WARNING- DUMB QUESTION: Hey Cait, who's SPENCER?
6. Have you played SpyroTM for Playstation? If so, how is it?
7. Hey Fritz, are you getting the Sega Dreamcast? I'm not!!! I don't like sega.
8. Hey Hanpan, who would win in a fight: You or Stone Cold Steve Austin?
9. Question for the entire Mailbag staff: What are you favorite Television shows?
-Kage

Cait sez:
1. Yeah, whatever.
2. No, it doesn't have any cute animal characters in it.
Fritz sez: I wouldn't recommend it. It's only about 7 hours long. It's probably worth a rental, but you should save your money for Tales of Destiny. (Sorry Travis!)

Peco sez:
3. Wheep pukyu pususu pukiii!

Max sez:
4. He's over visiting Flint Paper.
Sam sez: Flint is insane. I really respect that.

Cait sez:
5. He's my press secretary! I hired him because he has an awesome name.
6. Yeah, Fritz has, he said it wasn't all that great and he doesn't see what the hype is about. He's still going to rent it because it has a Crash 3 demo, though.
7. We don't like Sega either, but the specs are awesome... so, yeah.

Hanpan sez:
8. Click here to find out. Why? BECAUSE HANPAN SAID SO!
9. Mine's EMW (Extreme Mouse Wrestling).
Cait sez: Sailor Moon. Oh, Luna...
Max sez: My own show. I think I had one a while back.
Spencer sez: Hmm, that's a tough call. I like those When Chocobos Attack! or When Meteor Strikes! specials.
TV announcer sez: Coming up next! When the Apocalypse Strikes: Home Movies of the End of the World!

1. Still mad at Cid and me?

2. Did you know you opened a time warp? Because that letter you printed from Spencer was printed like a week ago.

3. Hanpan, didja know you're still a jack@$$?

To Ben: Can I use you in one of ny NPPRs? I don't reall care what you say I'm gonna use you anyway, you being polite.

P.S. Hurry up and put up my NPPR of I'll...um...HIT MYSELF WITH A PIE! DON'T MAKE ME DO IT MAN!! DON'T MAKE ME!!!

P.P.S. Westward Stabber, You're confirmed for my third NPPR and fighting Yuffie.

-"Big Daddy Cool" Owen Humphreys
OwenWOLFPC@aol.com

Cait sez:
1. You I can forgive, but Cid is really on my nerves. All this stuff about my kid and sonograms... if I wasn't a three-foot wimp, I'd really show him what I thought.
2. I was rerunning it as part of the "Best of Cait Sith's Mailbag" series.

Hanpan sez:
3. Okay, am I going to have to open up a can of whoop-ass?
4. You should e-mail him and ask him. Why? BECAUSE HANPAN SAID SO!

Cait sez:
P.S. Ok, we will put it up tomorrow.
P.P.S. I think he's going to fight her right now...

Yuffie: Like who is more the fool? Like the fool or like the fool who like follows him! GAWD!

Westward Stabber: Enough of your games! The time has come! There can be only one! * eyes and mouth get REALLY wide (anime style)* YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (He charges at yuffie)

Yuffie: LIKE SHORYUKEN! (an uppercut strikes WS and for a second as the blow connects everything stops)

WS: ARRRGGGGHHHHHH! (goes flying into the wall) (gets up) YAAAAAAAAAATOOOKI! (shoots a fireball at Yuffie)

Yuffie: LIKE DONKWIAHDO OR SOMETHING!!!! (shoots two blue blades at WS the blasts connect with a ridiculously (sp?) large explosion)

WS: you are indeed a worthy opponent Yuffie.... but im afraid it is time to end this.... (draws an insanely huge gattling gun) SUPER SPECIAL MEGA ULTRA REALLY BIG BEAM THING THATS GONNA KILL YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!! (a blast larger than the gun AND its user flies from the barrel)

Yuffie: LIKE NOOOOOOO!!!! (the blast engulfs Yuffie) GAWWWWWWWWWDDDDDDD!!!!

WS: (gasping) i have won father! I have avenged you!

Father: whatre ya talking about? Im right here.

WS: oh.... ok..... hey there is no body.... (looks to horizen and eyes narrow) somehow... i dont think this is over yet...

The end?

Cait sez: Whee.

Hanpan sez: Fight! Fight!

Q: Wassup Cait,

I have a couple q's for ya. All right g fang? K.

1) Don't you hate it when people try to get you to write a fanfic or a humor faq that starts with their letter. Like that guy who started Tactics Beath and the person who started the Jade Monkey. I am sick of reading those.

2) What is Travis's new site??? I thousht I say a banner for it. Looked like on the wall. Maybe in the wall or off the wall.

That's all for today. I have never even played PaRappa. Why the hell am I making PaRappa references?

That anomynous reader

Hanpan sez:
1. Then don't read them, simpleton.
2. It's Off the Wall, and you can find it here, assuming FF Network is running. Once it starts functioning again, I'll put the banner back up.

Oh, and you weren't making a PaRappa reference. The correct quote is "That's it for today!", Mensa boy.

Fritz sez: You MUST play PaRappa! Lord Pikachu wills it!

OK WESTWARD, LISSEN UP! I'LL MEET YOU UNDER THE FLAGPOLE AFTER SCHOOL!! IT'S A DEATHMATCH, PAL!!! YOU vs. ME!!!!! *Ahem*...Be there or I'll tell everyone you're a smeghead!

I despise you all,
Smart Crono!

Hanpan sez: Fight! Fight! This looks like NPPR material... LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!

Max sez: Random acts of gratuitous violence are my forte, Hanpan.

Cait sez: Laguna Loire IS Oscar in... Artemis's Lover! Let the truth be known! Luna...

1. How are the Cute Little Charecters doing right now? Any new songs?
2. Sorry about the Kenny Question a couple of days ago. Hey, maybe you can help me who killed Kenny (Or Wedge or Biggs) with your 8-Ball? Care to help?
3. Any luck getting into other squaresoft games?

That's all.... I don't have a lot of Q's today, so I'll be going. Bye!

CrowBar
http://crowbar.cjb.net/

Cait sez: No, it's not ok! Just kidding. (in Princess Toadstool voice) Let's go!
1. We are going to have a new song or two posted tomorrow. Rude wrote them for us when he was drunk.
2. The magic 8-ball says... FREE 15 MINUTE PHONE CARD. Hey, I won, I won! I get a free 15 minute phone card!
3. Maybe I will be a Guardian in FF8. Why'd they have to change our name to Guardians, anyway? I know they wanna be like Wild Arms, but still...

Fritz sez: CrowBar's coming up to the end of the letter... and here's the setup... and, oh, he missed the PaRappa reference! Right through his hands! Cosmo wins! Cosmo wins!

e. exactly what's the deal with the "stone cold hanpan" thing...? oh wait. if i were going to ask that question, i'd have to write to hanpan's mailbag. er... forget about that question. now.
t. dammit. i only got to collect a blue business card. i must not be lucky. or something to that effect... shoot! this isn't a question! so... are you going to bring back mint green, or am i going to have to get tough?
r. i need to get someone like spencer. y'know. to send out press releases of the omni-idiotic things i seem to do once in a while. ...okay. now i'm at the point where i'm not even asking questions.
n. i should be involved in that fight in the parking lot of the shinra building. i could be spencer's punching bag. what time was that showdown again?
y. i heard somebody say "burn, baby, burn, disco inferno!"... am i crazy?

okay. that's enough out of me. i needed to shut up anyway, because i ran out of ideas.

-tseng

Hanpan sez:
e. You got a problem with that? Am I going to have to open up a can of whoop-ass?

Cait sez:
t. Geez, everybody wants blue these days.
BenGrande: Blue! Blue! Join the cult!
Cait sez: Ah, that's why. r. I think Microsoft Word has a press release template.
n. Midnight, about a week ago. See you yesterday.
Hanpan sez: Last night I saw upon the stairs, the little man that wasn't there. He wasn't there again last night. Gee, I'd wish he'd go away.

Hanpan sez:
y. It was Hojo.

Q: Hey. I have only two questions for you guys...
1)Does Spencer have a fan club? If so can I join? I have all his cd's!!! ^_^

2)Do you know where I can get the Sam & Max comic?! I've been lookg everywhere for it!!!

Thanks! ^_^

~Confetti

Cait sez: Spence doesn't have any CDs, but you can join his fan club by writing to them.

Max sez: There's a book of our comics! It's called "Sam & Max: Surfin' the Highway" and has a whole bunch of comics collected in it. Look for it; it's really funny.

(Back to the Cait Sith's Mailbag archive page.)