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The Mailbag - September 7th, 1998

The Mailbag is under new management! It's now being run jointly by Cait Sith, Hanpan, Max, and Spencer the press secretary. In today's edition, the Mailbag team tackles Yuffie, Stone Cold Hanpan, the Anti-Glick, Sam & Max, Peco, and Brave Fencer Musashi.

Q: How does it feel to be knocked out by Hitler's exploding head??

Well, anyway...

1) Hanpan is getting a little annoying with this stone cold crap. I am gonna tell Steve Austin.

2) Maybe that wasn't a question. Am I annoying?

3) Is Yuffie really that annoying? It can't be true. She is too cool to be annoying!!!

4) Why do you have a fan club, you suck.

5) What game is Peco in.

6) Hey Fritz, can I help with the Yuffie page? I have my own Yuffie site on geocities. The one Cait mind-willed me to delete. Can I have the job?

7) What is the religion in FF7 called??

8) Why is that dick head, Lieberman, all overt the religious conbtent of Xenogears when Final Fantasy Tactics was probably just the same content?

9) Should I stop calling myself the anomynous reader?

10) Hey Fritz, why don't you just make your own site, something like www.cosmocanyon.com . You deserve it. Your site is the best on the web.

11) Have you ever seen that Zorro cartoon on the WB network. I am watching it now.

12) Did you know they swear in the Superman show on that network? That dark side guy from apocalypse was destroying eart and I heard shit and damn several times. On a kid's show!!

13) Could you put in a good word for me with Fritz Cait, I want to work for this site someday. My dream...

14) Actually my dream is to be payed for playing video games.

15) How did isdneil send that letter to you and make it look like it was from RPGamer???

16) I got this letter saying if I sent it to 20 people I would go to Disney Land. Like 796 other people have forwarded it so far. I threw it away. Will I ever go to DisneyLand?

17) What is the deal with the Cosmo Canyon Now button? Why not just Cosmo Canyon?

18) What is Travis Allen's site?

19) What is a Glick?

20) Finally thought of 20 questions. Agg, I am turning into Butch and Mukkie. Must go to question 21.

21) Ahh, that's better. Is this the longest letter you have ever gotten???

Hanpan sez:
1. Looks I'm going to have to open up a can of whoop-ass.
2. Yes, you are, simpleton. Why? BECAUSE HANPAN SAID SO!

Cait sez:
3. She's EVIL! If we could ever get that Yuffie Conspiracy Theory Page back up and running, you could all find about it...
4. Thanks man, I love you too. Spencer, send out a press release that this guy sucks.
5. He is in Your Mom 64, you suck.
6. It's is the Yuffie CONSPIRACY THEORY PAGE! Not the mindless slaves to the dark one page. BTW, Mei-Ling and Ele are both really Yuffie in disguise. Don't be fooled.
7. They don't have one; they had their minds erased by Pikacthulu. Aerith's is the only church in the game.
8. Wow, first you said I suck, then you said Lieberman was a dick head. I'm amazed at your ingenuity.
Max sez: Yeah, I'd pee my pants if I wore any.
Cait sez: There aren't that many religious themes in Xenogears, but it has sex scenes.
Hanpan sez: Lieberman never said a thing about Xenogears anyway. And overt isn't a verb, simpleton!

Hanpan sez:
9. We already know who you are anyway, simpleton. It says so in your e-mail address. Your name is Matt Elder.
Cait sez: Mwah ha ha! We know where you live!

Fritz sez:
10. I'm going to. By the end of the month, hopefully.

Cait sez:
11. In a word, no.
Hanpan sez: Cait only watches Sailor Moon.
Cait sez: Shut up!
12. That's scary. Hey, did you know that the Teletubbies are really swearing in Hungarian when they talk? Honest, it's true. I demand it be taken off the air!

Cait sez:
13. After you went on about Yuffie? I don't think so.

Hanpan sez:
14. It's spell "paid", simpleton. 15. Who do I look like, Emma? How would I know?
Neil sez: It wasn't me! It was my friend, the Anti-Glick.
Anti-Glick sez: Neil likes Aqua!
16. No. Why? BECAUSE HANPAN SAID SO!
17. Ever seen one of those Netscape Now buttons? Hmmmm...

Cait sez:
18. Somewhere in Canada. Oh, you meant his web site. It's called Off The Wall and it's at http://www.ffnetwork.com/cosmo/offthewall.
19. A member of the Glick family. Like Brian Glick, you know, from RPGamer? And then there's his evil twin, Grian Blick, and Neil's friend the Anti-Glick, and Fritz also has an evil twin called Franz.
20. That wasn't a question, so I can use this space to talk about anything I want. Yesterday I was trying to buy these gumballs from this gumball machine, and it jammed up. So I was trying to pry out my quarter when my hand got stuck in there, and some stuff happened. The end.
21. Yes. Go away.

In FFIV you're a bad guy! You're in the cave with the Dark Elf, and in the forest near Silvera! But how come you look like a leopard? And in the English one you're called a leopard. Furthermore, what's with that kick-ass attack? It kills a member of Cecil's party instantly! Why can't you do anything cool like that in FFVII? You're useless in FFVII, but you rule in FFIV! And also, what did you have against Cecil's party? I can't believe you tried to "off" Cecil and friends! Were Zemus or Golbeze paying you? I was certainly surprised to see you as a bad guy actually using a useful attack! You oughtta go to jail!

-BenGrande

Cait sez: Are you serious? I was in FF4, and nobody ever told me. I'm calling my agent. SPENCERRRRR!

1. When is "Cid Wars III: When Chocobos Attack" coming out?
2. What do you do all day?
3. What does Hanpan do all day?
4. Comment: In September 6's mailbag "webrunner with a capital nothing"'s 12th question was what is the question of Life, the Universe, and everything. I don't know what the question is, but the answer is 42 (I'm a Douglas Adams fan).
5. Beef. It's what's for dinner? (I couldn't help saying it)
6. What's scarier: Sephiroth's Super Nova or Rufus's hair?
7. What band do you dislike most: Mogu or the Incredibly Useless Characters?
- Kage

Cait sez:
1. We don't know yet. It can't go into production until we find out whether Cid is in FF8. That might not be until next spring, when the game is released.
2. Answer stupid questions about what I do all day from fascists like you.... oh no! The fascists are back! And led by the janitor!
3. He thinks he's cool by pretending to be Stone Cold.
4. The question was, "WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU MULTIPLY SIX BY EIGHT?" I think.
5. BEATH. It's what's for dinner.
6. Rufus's hair, definitely.
Rufus sez: That's not funny anymore. Just knock it off, okay?
Max sez: Yeah, well, I've got more hair on my fuzzy little butt than you've got on that hollow Shinra head of yours.
Rufus sez: All right, that's it. Nobody makes fun of my hair. TURKS!
(the Turks run in, grab Max, and throw him into the "Choco Golf" game at the Tin Saucer)
7. Seeing as how the Incredibly Useless Characters aren't a bad, I'd go with Mogu. But I dislike the Really Useless Characters more than Mogu and his Gramor kazoo corps. Hey, kids, if you ever need to improve your Gramor, try Hooked On Ebonics! It works for Barret!
Barret sez: Shu'up, foo'!
Ricardo from Xenogears sez: Yeah, jes' shu' yo' hole!
Square translator sez: We're not racist. Honest.

I know this isn't the time or place for this, but I have some disturbing news.

While I was at Square, talking to the BFM people about BFM2, I saw a time portal and a character who claimed he was from one of the Final Fantasy games. The strangest thing about it was that I don't remember anyone named Gilbert Barfly.

He told me he came back in time to warn me about Evil Cid, but not Cid I, this was Cid LXII. They came from FF LXX. All I know is, he has knowledge of nanotechnology and he used it for his master plan with a theme restaurant for kids.

Oh, and by the way, I checked with Square and they haven't started the BFM II yet.

Spencer

Cait sez: Edward (The Spoony Bard and ex-CAC song writer) was actually called Gilbert in the original FF4. Both names are really stupid, huh? Speaking of nanotechnology, I think they should make a spin-off of the FF series that's like an educational version for kids called "The Magic Airship". They could have like "The Magic Airship Inside the Human Body", "The Magic Airship Under Sea", "The Magic Airship On Yuffie's Homeworld", "The Magic Airship In Palmer's Stomach", etc. Oh, and Square hasn't started BFM2, they just said they might make one.

Q: Uh...that was strange..... But little did you know you only beheaded the.. um robot that looks a bit like me.
1) Hitler looks like hitler but strype (me) doesn't.
2)Socio...no won't do it again.
3)what the heck, Socioploitical ramifications!!
4)hanpan you dumbkopf, you're such a simpleton!
5) who's max?
6) No I never saw the half mystic ending, and I don't know if I want to.

Strype the Nazi Janitor

Cait sez:
1. Yeah, whatever.
Daravon sez: Kiss I with his mouth salamander you mother umbrella!
2. Ok, don't. See if I care.
3. Suit yourself.

Hanpan sez:
4. As a reader wrote to inform me, it's actually spelled dummkopf. Simpleton!
Fritz sez: Ich spreche nicht sehr gut Deutsch.

Cait sez:
5. Max is from Sam & Max, a really cool comic book and later computer game by LucasArts. I think they might have had a TV show a while back too.
6. It's like the best ending of the three. I guess. I never saw the others; the half-mystic one is just a bunch of dialog.

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