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Cait Sith's Mailbag - September 6th, 1998

Cait Sith takes on Moogles, rake fights, megaphones, armor, delayed questions, Nazis, Crash and Gex, and other stuff in a particularly deranged edition of the Mailbag.

Q: Here's some Q's, with 35% Mikodaran Chemicals AZA!

1. Why dont any of the Moogles in FF7 have antennae?
2. Where did the name Cait Sith come from!?
3. How does having a better _megaphone_ for Cait increase the Moogle's attack power?
4. Why isnt a Megaphone a Long Range weapon!?
5. Here's your info:

wassail (wòs´el, wò-sâl´) noun
1. a. A salutation or toast given in drinking someone's health or as an expression of good will at a festivity. b. The drink used in such toasting, commonly ale or wine spiced with roasted apples and sugar.
2. A festivity characterized by much drinking.

verb
wassailed, wassailing, wassails verb, transitive
To drink to the health of; toast.

verb, intransitive
To engage in or drink a wassail.
[Middle English, contraction of wæshæil, be healthy, from Old Norse ves heill : ves, imperative sing. of vera, to be + heill, healthy.]
- was´sailer noun

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Third Edition copyright © 1992 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Electronic version licensed from InfoSoft International, Inc. All rights reserved.

Wait that isnt a question is it?

6. There is no question 6. Why would there be a Question 6?
7. Question seven has been delayed sorry.
8. Where are all the materia slots on a megaphone?
9. Which part of you wears armor equipped to yoou?
8. Here is the long awaited question 8!
10. Why don't you get extra power from Choco/Mog. You're riding on a Moogle aren't you?
11. How much money have you spent on Vicks/Wedge funerals?
12. Why doesnt Cloud just sell his hair to wigmakers if he's low on cash, he could make Millions.
13. Whenever you ask Cloud to change a lightbulb are you afraid he might get stuck in the ceiling (his hair)
14. Is this getting to long?
15. 1142?
16. What is the Ultimate Question of Life the Universe and Everything?

- webrunner with a capital nothing

Cait sez:
1. My Moogle doesn't have one 'cause it's a stuffed toy and the antenna would come off too easily. Other than that, it's called Square hates moogles; they want to replace them with chocobos. It's a conspiracy! It's all the work of the Ice Moogles lobby! Stay tuned to Cid Wars III: When Chocobos Attack!
2. It's Gaelic. See yesterday's mailbag or my fanclub.
Hanpan sez: Yeah, do some research, simpleton.
3. I can yell louder. Making noise is fun.
4. The moogle hits people. I dunno. It's just a robot anyway. I'm the REAL Cait Sith! The other one peed on an electric fence. Hee hee.
5. Um, thanks. Now if I had any idea what the hell you were talking about, I'd be even more grateful.
6. Hanapn sez: BECAUSE HANPAN SAID SO!
7. Wow! A Working Designs employee wrote me! I feel so special! Spencer, send out a press release.
8. On the side, where else?
9. Hanpan sez: This would be a good question, until you realize that YOU DON'T EQUIP ARMOR IN FF7. Simpleton.
8. You already asked a question 8, dammit! Did you mean Question #7
10. Okay, this one makes NO sense whatsoever. I'm not even going to try to answer it.
11. Ditto.
12. HeLP i'M goIN g INsaNe I can'tT tTaAK TEH THIS ANymORE
13. No, he can't change the lightbulb. I saw a picture of him trying to in PSM. It was the issue with Squall on the cover.
14. Yes. Stop the insanity!
15. 398!
16. Chocobo's Mysterious Dungeon -- why?

1. Could you blow up all the people who asked you how you tricked Cait Sith #2? (btw, I'm not asking, already know)
2. Question to Hanpan: Since when did you start calling yourself "Stone Cold Hanpan"?
3. Back to CS: Who would you like to see a Celebrity DeathMatch between?

Cait sez: Hooking up Crash with Gex? I think they're both straight, actually. And the whole bandicoot-gecko thing just doesn't work.

1. No, that's okay. It's one of my more favorite tales and I don't mind recounting its many exciting moments. See, I tricked Cait Sith No. 2 into peeing on an electric fence, and then I tied it up and forced it to play Chocobo's Mysterious Dungeon...
2. Hanpan sez: I started calling myself Stone Cold Hanpan after I joined the EMW (Extreme Mouse Wrestling). Why? BECAUSE HANPAN SAID SO!
3. How about Artemis and ME?

That's it for today!

-Hitler the school janitor, AKA Strype.

Stone Cold Hanpan sez: It's spelled "dumbkopf", simpleton! Get it right! Or am I going to have to open up a can of whoop-ass?
Max sez: Shall I confront, subdue, and pummel the suspected perpetrator, Hanpan?
Hanpan sez: Sic 'em up, little buddy.
(Max jumps on Strype, beats him up, and pulls off his/her head) Max sez: It's not a real cat, Hanpan! Can I keep its head as a souvenir?
Hanpan sez: That's no head, it's one damned ugly time bomb. Let's get out of this place pronto.

Cait sez: Um, anyway, let me answer the questions.
1. Yea.
2. Because Max just pulled off your head.
3. Phylogeny recapitulates octogeny! Or something like that.
4. Um, okay.
Fritz sez: Honest, our janitor looks like Hitler. Right Ben?
Ben sez: HAAA FRITTER! Zucchinis are ripe!
Fritz sez: Never mind.
5. First Crash and Gex, and now Asellus and Gina. O--kaaay. No, Gina, is straight (see the Half-Mystic ending). Asellus and White Rose, on the other hand...

(suddenly, the head explodes, blowing the entire room into rubble. Hanpan and Cait are knocked unconscious)
Max sez: Whoops.
Fritz sez: Looks like we're going to need somebody else to take over the mailbag.
Kefka sez: Hi. Huh huh.

I regret to inform you of the recent decision by RPGamer staff to forgo the dual in a parking lot, especially with gardening implements. Furthermore, any Nazi movements of any kind will simply not be tolerated. The last time my employer let us play around with Nazi propoganda posters, we ended up rolling them up and whacking each other over the heads with them. It wasn't very pleasent, especially since AK has a vicious backhand.

However, let it be known that myself, as well as the RPGamer staff will be more than open and willing to consider whatever types of conflicts and engagements you have in mind for the future. Thank you again for your time.

Sincerely,

Brian Glick
kupan@rpgamer.com

Kefka sez: Huh huh, he said "implements". Huh huh cool.

Fritz sez: How did the Nazis get involved in this whole thing anyway? I don't remember.

Q: Hi Cait. It is I! Your cousins sisters husbands friends old room mate The Infamous Westward Stabber! (So what does that make us? ABSOLUTLY NOTHING!)

1. Hey cait... if you give me 3000 gil I'll y'know "do" artemis for ya...

2. NO!!! WAIT!!! That didnt come out right! I meant assasinate! Ice! Waste! you know

3. Whew... so any way do i have a job?

4. If not you wanna buy a slightly used mini gun? If armed with AP (armor peircing) rounds it can kill a super mutant in a single shot... eh? eh?

5. Have you ever played fallout?

6. You should its the best RPG EVER made. Even better that Wild Arms! You have the Westward Stabbers garuntee!

Ok thats it... now dont think i wont "Ice" artemis too... and for an extra 100 zenny I'll waste his hermaphrodite lover (that man are sick) for ya also!

The Infamous Westward Stabber

Kefka sez:
1. Do Artemis? Heh heh heh. Heh heh cool.
2. Huh huh, he said "assassinate."
3. No. Get lost.
4. "Piercing". Huh huh.
5. Is tha' the one game where they had those
6. Do you get to SCORE in it?

Fritz sez: Okay, that's enough of this. Jean, I'm putting you in command.

Jean sez: Hullo.

Q: I accept this fight on a condition Firstly I will not fight Glick alone, I am frail and weak. I will only fight a special tag-team match with my teammates comprising of nazi warlords and very bad wrestlers. Once I have defeated Glick's team, I shall move onto.......Cait Sith. For trying to accuse me of being my Aqua liking flatmate, I have kidnapped your Friend! I will only release Mog if you pay me a hefty randsome of 100gil!........uh, 100,000 gil! I will not rest until my task is completed!

The Anti-Glick

Jean sez: Gil, gil, gil. This is Yuffie's song.

Fritz sez: All right, I'm calling this off. Let's hope Cait is awake tomorrow. That's it for today!

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