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Bugenhagen's Mailbag - August 31st, 1998

Cait Sith is still in the hospital after his battle with Cid and Owen Humphreys, so today's edition of the mailbag is hosted by Bugenhagen. Tomorrow's guest editor is Beath of Flams's Pokerman, so send your questions and comments to his replacement, Pokerman.

Before we begin this edition of the mailbag, Cait would like to apologize for the printing of the phony RPGamer letter, which seemed to have been sent by Neil Hughes. However, it was actually faked to appear that it was sent by Neil Hughes, and not actually by Neil. Cait, as usual, did a little leaping to conclusions.

Q: Q: Bugenhagen, I have many questions to be answered by your infinite wisdom...

1. Why don't you have any legs?

2. If you can just fly around, why do you bother taking the long way around and floating just above the ground to everywhere you want to go?

3. Are you Nanaki's real grandfather, or was there a multiracial thing going on between you and his grandmother? Inquiring minds want to know.

4. You have any ideas what this week's winning lottery numbers might be? I'm guessing one of them is "42"...

~Seeker of Knowledge

Bugenhagen sez: Aha, Seeker of Knowledge you have come to the right place. Welcome to my world of knowledge. I would show you the way, but I have no legs.

1. Ho ho hooo, I do have legs. I just hide them under my cloak in a cross legged position. I sit in that pose as a way of Yoga to increase my mental state of mind.

2. I'm an old man that sits in an observatory all day. Why would I need to hurry anywhere?

3. I don't think the answer to this question is appropriate for the mailbag...

4. I predict the winning number is 6542339021.344565

Can you PLEEEASE have a Clyde Hudman's mailbag? PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE???????????? I wanna do a mailbag for you! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE??????? PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE?????????

-Clyde Hudman

Bugenhagen sez: Ho ho hooo. What? Who is this loser scum of the earth who dares ask this question?? For this you will feel the mighty wrath of Stone Cold Hanpan!

Stone Cold Hanpan sez: Looks it's time for me to open up a can of whoop-ass.

1) Why don't you have any feet?

2) How can you be related to Red XIII if you're not even the same species?

3) Just how old ARE you?

4) What's your IQ?

5) Are you smarter than Hanpan?

6) Do you know the probability of a guy like me marrying Yuffie? I'm her age and I'm a really nice guy.

7) Can you see the future?

Thanks alot, man. Bye!!!

~Jeff

Bugenhagen sez: 1. I believe that question was answered.

2. I said it's not appropriate for the mailbag.

Red XIII sez: Grandpa, how could you?

3. I'm a sensitive man. My age is a delicate matter.

4. Last time I checked it was 671.

5. Ho ho hooo yes, but that little jerk thinks he's smarter than me. Sometimes pets like that begin to loose their minds over time.

Hanpan sez: Grr...

6. Do you know the probability of a old guy like me killing lunatics like you?

7. Yes. I use the Mako beams bouncing off the Planet to transmit off of Shinra HQ, therefore hitting a mountain 7.90843 miles east of The Crater, then bouncing off the top of The Da-chao statue, then relaying off the ocean and into the top of my telescope and into my mind. It's really quite simple.

Ho ho hooo....I've got a few questions for ya!

1. How do you float around? Do you use one of those Jetson's anti-gravity belts or something?

2. Why don't you have legs?

3. Do you have a Santa-Complex? You keep saying Ho ho hooo....why?? It's the weirdest laugh...well, it's better than Gya ha ha ha...so nevermind.

4. What's the secret to having a long lifespan like yours? Is there some hidden "fountain of youth" at Cosmo Canyon that nobody knows about? The people want to know!!

Have my People call your People!
Invisigirl (a.k.a. Shera)

Bugenhagen sez:
1. Ho ho hooo, I actually have an eagle's nest under my cloak. It makes me feel kind of funny late at night, but oh well.

2. Stop asking me that question please. I do have limited time to do this you know.

3. Actually I worked as Santa at the West Midgar Mall for 59 years straight. Old habits die young I suppose.

4. Hard work, excersise and a pointless plot line that made me so old.

Q: Hey Bugenhagen!!! I gotsa few qwestins fer ya!

1. How do you fly around like that?

3. What kinda aminal is Red XIII, anyways?

7. Red is an animal, so just how are you his grandfather? Did you adopt him after his folks died?

4. Can you teach me about the Life Stream?

5. If you were a plant, what kind of soup would you eat? Thats it.(Nope, no Parrappa reference here, folks!)

Thanx >=)
David Green
(Mindless slave to his majesty Lord Bahamut Smirk)

P.S. Tell Cait that my master sends him his best wishes towards a speedy recovery!

P.P.S. Hanpan is a geeky pet!

Bugenhagen sez: Who taught you to count?

1. The eagle's nest. See above.

3. Ho ho hooo, he's a granacrialcosmomatakilofarill. Also known as a red lion.

7. That's already been answered...

4. Sure just read my book on the study of planet life.

Domino sez: Hey! I wrote that book! You just took the credit!

Bugenhaugen sez: Shut up you dullard!

5. Hmm...if you were a plant I think I'd eat tomato soup.

Hanpan sez: In responce to your lame-o PPS, I'M NOT A DAMN PET!

Q: Hey, there, Boogie! I've got some questions for ya:

1. Where're your limbs?

2. Why isn't Red's name changed to Nanaki when he goes back to CC?

3. How did you open the sealed door with no limbs?

4. Is Cosmo Canyon the best place to live ever?

5. How does Red fight with a comb?

6. Finally, why do you say "Ho ho hooo" so much? Are you Santa Claus or something?

See ya!
--Serpent231

Bugenhagen sez: Bugenhaugen will do just fine. Boogie is one of your "new age hip-hop terms." Ack.

1. Under my cloak. Come to think of it, there's a lot of things under there. Ho ho hooo.

2. Um...Squaresoft couldn't handle it? It's the same reason that when you go to Cosmo Canyon and you've already named him Nanaki. They say "Nanaki? Who is Nanaki" when he's been there all along. Hmmm....

3. No one heard me mumble the secret password. In case you're wondering it's "open sesame." Ho ho hooo.

4. Yes. Why? Because I live there of course! Ho ho hooo.

5. Ok, since no one seems to know, I will explain. First he runs up to the enemy, and starts combing their hair, but he does it only to distract them, then he attacks with his claws. It's all just a conspiracy to make you think like Square's twisted mind.

6. That's already been answered.

We now bring you a special press release from Owen Humphreys:

I know you folks are wondering what started the fight and what went down. It's ALL Hanpan's fault. You see I got tired of Hanpan calling himself Stone Cold and calling other people simpletons. So I challenged him a wrestling match. Meanwhile Cid had gotten "knocked-up" somehow by Cait Sith. Cid had stated that the baby would be pretty ugly which apparently pissed Cait off. So Cait and Hanpan decided we would all settle it in a streetfight. They invited Spencer so they wouldn't have to fight a "fair" fight. So that night at Midnight we all meet at the Shinra Buildings parking lot. No one was there except Reno who was in a cardboard box (which I just found out is where he lives). Cid and myself told Spence to go home, and Cid would take him on at a later date but he just kinda hung around and only threw occasinal punches. And so they fight broke out. We grabbed anything we could, especially Cid who threw Reno at Cait but "accidently" threw it over him. Cid mostly fought Cait and I mostly fought Hanpan. I had been pretty much dominating Hanpan until halfway through the match until he transformed into Mighty Mouse. Meanwhile Cid and Cait were pretty much exchanging blows with each other until Spence snuck up behind him and hit him with a steel chair. Cait and Spence started running and when I went after them Hanpan kicked me in the chest, gave me the Stone Cold Stunner (which I'm still not how THAT happened considering I have like a 3 foot minimum height advantage) then ran. Fritz, who was appently watching the fight with Rufus from his (Rufus') limo, declared us the winners. Then Cid and I consumed some victory/medicinal beers. On a closing note, Spencer, Cid says he'll see you at "Rumble in the Canyon", the first in a series of Cosmo Canyon NPPR (No Pay Per Reading) events. And BTW way, EVERYONE, I need some Ideas for matchs in it. All I can think of is Luna VS. Ruby and Cloud VS. Domino.

Stone Cold Hanpan sez: My fault? MY fault? You were the one who brought this whole thing up in the first place, simpleton! And don't go around revealing my secret identity or I might have to open up a can of whoop-ass. Why? BECAUSE HANPAN SAID SO!

Fritz sez: Hanpan's fault or Cid's? You make the call, and stay tuned to the next edition of Cosmo Canyon NPPR!

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