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Cait Sith and Hanpan's Mailbag - August 27th, 1998

Today's edition of Cait Sith's Mailbag talks about Professor Daravon, Spencer the press secretary, spontaneous combustion, Peco, Oscar, Luna, Ben McKee, movies, fascists, business cards, and more insanity. Cait Sith was on a deadline due to the filming of Cait Sith and the 40 Thieves, so Stone Cold Hanpan pitched in to help.

Q: Hey, Cait. Why do you want to go look for a stupid Jade Monkey???Becuase jade is worth some $$$$? Well, whatever.
1. If you got hungry enough, would you eat Peco?
2. What's the point in pissing on an electric fence?
3. You are always making fun of Rufus!!! Especially his hair! THE NERVE! (Keep it up, 'kay?)
4. HANPAN!!!!!! (Sorry, I couldn't help myself)
5. If I killed hanson, how much money will you pay me?
6. Wow, FF7 has such good translation!
Proffeser Daravon sez: Items being used are items consumed in battle.
Steve sez: Shut the hell up!
--Stephen .T

Cait Sith sez: Wowee, another numbered letter.
0. Hanpan sez: You should have numbered this question, simpleton!
1. Cait Sith sez: I'd never eat Peco! He's our buddy! We were going to add him to the band but he's a cute vegetable character and not a cute animal character.
2. Hanpan sez: Try it sometime, you might be surprised.
3. Hanpan sez: Was that a question? It didn't seem like one to me.
    Cait Sith sez: Yeah, me neither.
4. Hanpan sez: That's my name, don't wear it, or I might have to open up a can of whoop-ass.
5. Cait Sith sez: Eighteen cents. I'm operating on a budget.
    Yuffie sez: You can't kill Hanson! Waaaaaaaaahhh!
6. Hanpan sez: Professor Daravon was from FF Tactics, simpleton.
    Cait Sith sez: Actually, FF7 had a really good translation, except I was supposed to talk in Reeve's voice occasionally. Y'all know that?

1. Have you ever told Malak to get a nose? (and get a brain as well)
2. Ever consider cutting off a lock of Rufus' hair?
3. Do you think you'd do a whole lot better if SQUARE made you a lot bigger and ditch the popeye arms?
4. Could you whack Hanpan around for me?
5. Tell Mog I said hi.

Cait sez:
1. At least he's not Anorexic Fencer Musashi. That guy has pencil-thin arms, and he booted me out of his game too.
2. What in the heck for?
3. POPEYYYYYEEEEE THE SAILOR MAN! You'll never defeat me, Brutus! Hey, watch where you're singing that, you might hit somebo - OH MY GOD, BRUTUS KILLED WEDGE! You bastard! Now it's time to unleash my special power. Super Transmitted Mega Crush! Huh? It didn't work? Wait, here comes Jet Baby! Kaboom! We're saved! Hey, did anybody notice Jet Baby is like a hermaphrodite or something? In the song it says "SHE flies through any weather", but when PaRappa and the gang is walking out of the movie theater, Katy said "HE could probably beat Superman." Weird, huh?
    Hanpan sez: Keep this up and this place is going to turn into Unpaid Gameplayers Online.
4. Hanpan sez: Of course not, simpleton. Why? BECAUSE HANPAN SAID SO!
5. Cait sez: Okay, I'll have Spencer send out a press release. Get to work, Spence.

Cait sez: Of course you can put me in there with Luna! Luna.... um, and I guess you can put Ben in there.

Fritz sez: Ben probably wouldn't mind, but you could mail him and ask.

Ben sez: Pretty coy!

Mr. Saturn

Cait sez: Sailor Moon, of course; it has Luna in it.

Hanpan sez: I think I should have my own anime.

2. Want you Runa why? Runa like Ultimus not she like Caetto.

17. Found Jade Monkey you? Powers what have it? I had a good feeling!!!

$. Really want you Runa I sent can Ultimus Koorong to Mugnum Parts get also he pick up Organics and OctopusBoard Gunge Lance!! You 2 sneak for off date!!

A. Magic you want I teach you? Teach you Myollnir will I!!

0. Reaving again are you? Meet again new fanfic in will we? Joined I up with Lafa and Marak, fight we for honor useress characters band we in.

I off be!! Fun you have!!

"Instructor" Daravon

Cait sez: Oh no, it's Japanglish Man again.
2. She just hasn't gotten to know me very well. I'm sure she'll be charmed by my natural aura of charisma and sueve red cape. I hear she might show up in a future Cosmo Canyon fanfic...
17. Haven't I gone over this before?
Hanpan sez: Yeah, am I going to have to open a can of whoop-ass on you?
$. Hanpan sez: @%&*^, speak English! Why? BECAUSE HANPAN SAID SO!
A. Cait sez: I already know magic. I'm an Esper -- just check out my Cat Rain move in FF6. And some guy thought I was peeing on the bad guys.
0. Hanpan sez: Zephyr, I hope not.

Q: I have a few simple questions about the fanfics that Fritz writes.

1) If Sephiroth and Aeris are dead how are they in the fanfics?

2) If Sephiroth blew up the Solar Sytem with Super Nova how is it in the fanfics?

3) Yuffie didn't kill Aeris and Tseng!!!!!

4) Okay that last one wasn't a question. How does the Shinra bulding, or Midgar for that matter, exist if Meteor destroyed it before Holy and the Lifestream blew it up?

5) Why doesn't Fritz write some fanfics about Emerald and Ruby weapon taking over the world.

That anomynous reader
http://welcome.to/yuffie

P.S. I am about to beat FF7 for the 10'th time today. If you don't post this letter please at least send an e-mail to me replying.

Hanpan sez: Man, you don't pay attention do you, simpleton? Aerith was brought back to life by Angol Fred's Operation Lansing, and Sephiroth was just a ghost until he merged with his true self in the Deva System. And the Shinra Building was rebuilt. Read the fanfics! Why? BECAUSE HANPAN SAID SO!

Cait sez: Yuffie did too kill Aerith and Tseng! I have the videotape that proves it, and the top-secret government Daravon Report. Unfortunately, the Daravon Report is all written in Daravonese, so nobody can understand it... but trust me, it's irrefutable proof. Back and to the left... back and to the left...

Hanpan sez: Why in the heck would we write a fanfic about Emerald and Ruby Weapon taking over the world? That makes no sense. Simpleton.

Cait sez: Yeah, Emerald and Ruby Weapon are dead... at least I think they are. Oh no! Here they come! They're headed right for us! Wedge, look out.... oh my God! They killed Wedge! You bastards!

Q: WAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I COMBUSTED! I COMBUSTED! I COMBUSTEEEEEEDDD... hey.... that really wasnt so bad really....Now if youll excuse me i have to roll around on the grass to extinguish the flams.

The Flaming Westward Stabber

Q: HIYO! Okay i do realize my letter yesterday was idiotic. Thanks for snapping me out of my stupor by not posting of it. for those who arnt fritz it was mainly "AAAAAA I COMBUSTED! That wasnt so bad" so from now on ill only write INTELIGENT letters with real and tasteful questions and.... Hey Yuffie what the hell are you doing here? what? NO! NO! PUT DOWN THAT KNIFE PLEASE! NO NO NO I TELL YOU! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! (Loud Chopping Noises are heard)

-The Infamous Westward Stabber

Cait sez: Heh heh, we just posted it.

Hanpan sez: And you know why we did? BECAUSE HANPAN SAID SO!

Cait sez: Spencer, send out a press release that this guy is only going to write intelligent letters with real and tasteful questions from now on.

Q: To Cait Sith

Oh thank you, thank you very much for noticing me!!! This is Spencer, the guy in the mailroom, and I am greatful for you noticing one of my letters.

For most of my life, I thought it had no meaning, but now, now-Whoo-hooo-hooo-hoooOOO!!! You saved me from a life of dullness. From now on, I'm your No. 1 Fan!!! Cait Sith Forever!!!!

Your Fan,

Spencer.

Cait sez: It's Spencer! The man with the masta' plan! The guy with the funky name! Heya, Spence. Did you send out those press releases like I asked?

Q: Dear Cait,

1. How long will you be under indictment for the K-Mart incident?
2. Can I have a burnt sienna business card?
3. How is Luna?

Cait sez:
1. I'm not under indictment any more. I got off after I saved Rufus from Domino and Hart.
::music starts playing::
Cait sez: Huh?
They're Domino and Hart
Yes, Domino and Hart
One is a mayor
The other is not
They'll assume a heroic stance
To throw down AVALANCHE
They're Domino, yes, Domino
And Hart, Hart, Hart, Hart.... Hart!
::music stops::
Hanpan sez: O--kaaaayyy...
2. Hanpan sez: No. Why not? BECAUSE HANPAN SAID SO!
3. Hanpan sez: Luna's fine.
    Cait sez: You got that right... Luna's fine.
    Hanpan sez: Are you going to shut up, or am I going to have to open up a can of whoop-ass?

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