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Domino's Mailbag - August 20th, 1998

Today's edition of Domino's Mailbag covers the scum of AVALANCHE, swivel chairs, acronyms, Hart's PaRappa problem, furnisexuals, and other stuff. Tomorrow's guest editor is Wedge, so send your questions and comments to Wedge's Mailbag. Be sure to put "Wedge's Mailbag" in the subject line so Wedge will know it's for him. Cait Sith will return as soon as the normal server comes back up.

Q: Hi Domino. I got some questions for ya.
1. Do you own a share in Dominoe's pizza?
2. How did you get the Omnislash manual for Cloud? You and your friends are pretty pathetic. I mean the best thing you guys can do is race swivel chairs. Of course Zangan on teh other hand...
3. Why are you bald in the logo for your version of FFVII (the true version) even though in FFVII you look like you have hair?
4. Was it the other way around in the Shinra building when AVALANCHE came charging in and had to pay Hart for hints? Did they just demand hints from Hart and a little bit of money too?
5. Why did Hart become a psychopath after the Parappa references became common?
6. Were Vicks and Wedge ever part of your team at some point in FFVII but ended up being cut out of the final telling of your story?
7. Will you be making an apperence in Mr. Sith Goes to Washington?
8. Do you think Palmer is a fat idiot with wierder hair than anyone else in FFVII? If not do you think Cid has wierd hair?
9. Why is Butch hanging out at that little materia store in upper Junon? Shouldn't he be tending to his store back in Costa Del Sole or out traveling with you?
10. Last Question. Why is Johnny scoping out the Honey Bee Inn? Shouldn't he be doing recon at Corneo's mansion?

Domino sez:
1. I founded it. But then Barret and Cloud came to work for it, and ended up taking over the place, so I quit and started a talk show, and wound up founded a terrorist group, which Barret and Cloud also took over.
2. 3. WHAT? They changed my picture in FF7? Is there any part of me that haven't concealed? Man, they're everywhere...
4. No, we actually made some money off them, since nobody could possibly solve that puzzle without the hints (Erg: He's right about that). Making money off them is about the only thing AVALANCHE is good for.
5. He got sick of all the PaRappa references and thought they were getting old. But after he realized his hating them was getting older than the references, he's managed to put it behind him.
6. No, they were founding members of AVALANCHE, but they joined the Dark Side. They did help me out with the Three Inch Island project, however.
7. Yes. In fact, you can read it right now.
8. Weird hair? Rufus, now that's weird hair. Palmer is a brilliant, but misunderstood, scientist. Cid definitely has weird hair. He also has a weird mind. Only a complete insane person would act such a twerp.
9. He has two shops. Two shops = more money = more funds for the cause.
10. What? What he doing there? I'm going to have to speak with about this...

I don't think you were the real hero of ff7. I think you are like Monical Lewinsky and Linda Tripp: will do anything to get attention. So, the next time you tell Fritz Whatchamacallhim to write a fanfic about you, tell him not to lie.

(1) And what's with the swivel chairs! You can't go 35 mph on a swivel chair.

(2) Also why did you go ballistic in FF x-mas? I thought that was pretty strange that you just appeared with a grenade launcher.

(3) Do you know if Fritz ever updates Yuffie Conspiracy page?

(4) Where is FF7 does it actually say the character's last names?

(5) What would spam taste like with rotten eggs and cheez wiz taste on it?

Anomynous Reader

Domino sez: It's the truth! You're being deluded by the lies of AVALANCHE!
1. You can if you've got skillz.
2. They cut me out of the fanfic! It was an FF7 Christmas story, and since I'm the main character of FF7, I should have been in it! I was going to teach those AVALANCE chumps a lesson. As it is, I ended up having one heck of a medical bill.
3. Fritz says, "It's very difficult to make Yuffie sightings, and I just haven't had time to do it." (how hard is to make Yuffie sightings? It's not like she's not out terrorizing the galaxy every day). However, it may be taken over by a future staff member, like the thin man from Cid Wars.
4. In the manual, under the section that lists all the characters, or at the least ones AVALANCHE deemed worthy to print.
5. Um... bad?

Q: Domino
I've been wondering something about your account of Final Fantasy VII that perhaps you could clear up for me. You say that you started AVALANCHE and all, but from Barret it sounds like some other guy who lived at Cosmo Canyon did. Also, in your account of the events, Wedge and Biggs were at Cosmo Canyon sometime before the actual video game started. But in the game, when you first reach Cosmo Canyon, Barret comments about how he had promised to bring Biggs and Wedge their when there war was over. The way he said it it sounds like they had never been there before. It makes me wonder the credibility of your story. Please explain.

-BenGrande

Domino sez: Well, of course Barret'd change his story! I mean, the Planet forbid anybody would actually know the truth! Gosh, no, we can't have people knowing what really happened.

Q: Domino man, they cheated you! Well, maybe not. Anyway, I've got a few questions:

1. I know where Holsoff, Butch, Fred, Zangan, and yourself go in the game, but where did Hart come from?
2. Is Hart that crazy guy that's always hanging around Cid IV or is that Dr. Lugae?
3. Who's more annoying? Yuffie or AVALANCHE?
4. Ha! I knew it was Yuffie! Do I?

-MagicHammer (A.K.A. - Some weirdo bored out of his mind)

Domino sez:
1. Hart's my assistant. He's the one who gives out clues to our devious puzzle.
2. No, that's just "the thin man". He doesn't seem to have a name.
3. But Yuffie's part of AVALANCHE. So AVALANCHE.
4. WRONG!

Q:Okay, Mayor Domino, I've been meaning to ask you this for some time. I didn't get an answer from that lame lardo Palmer, and I hope you'll do something better. Anyway, what's the deal with insect politics? Are they facists? Do they practice voodoo economics? Do they praise the dark religion of Kusaderism?

Okay, and another thing... this guy called Kusader was thinking of making an anti-Erg site. I have spied for the great lord! Now, gimme those brownie points. Send your minions to haunt him! Uwee hee hee (it helps in my political campaign)...

-- Avatar

Domino sez: Insect politics are what those lamers at AVALANCHE practice. As for this Kusader guy, more power to him! This awful site has so many stories about AVALANCHE it makes me sick just thinking about it. I will not cease in my quest for justice!

Fritz sez: There's no such thing as bad publicity.

Q:Hey Domino, I have some ?'s and comments for ya.

1. I actually think you're the real HERO of FF7. Screw Cloud and the others ('cept for Red XIII).
2. How'd you land a job at Shin-Ra?
3. Besides the hair, what do you hate the most about Rufus?
4. In a rank list, describe the members of AVALANCHE you hate and the reason?
5. Hart has some problems, I tell you. Him and his hate for PaRappa. Give that poor man some counseling.
6. One of these days, you should put Mukki and Butch in the Chump Team. (all they do is sit and play 20 ?'s)
7. Where else can I get an Omnislash manual?
8. In your party, who's actually more useful?

That's it for today. (gratuitous PaRappa reference)

Domino sez:
1. THANK YOU! At least someone believes me! 2. Read my memoirs. 3. He basically screwed on the Planet over, except for AVALANCHE (who screwed absolutely everbody on the Planet over).
4. Yuffie -- She killed Tseng! And Aerith.
Barret -- He took over AVALANCHE after I founded it just because he can talk in fonts.
Cloud -- A pawn in the scheme of Mr. T.
Cid -- His assassination attempt ended up with Hart getting stripped of his post, and he renamed the Hart as the Highwind.
Red XIII -- His lamer "grandfather" copied my doctoral thesis and posted it on every newsgroup on the Internet. Guilt by association.
Tifa -- Also a pawn in Mr. T's scheme.
Vincent -- He didn't seem like that bad of a guy, except that he wouldn't talk to us and then joined right up with Clod and Mr. T.
Aerith -- Yuffie killed her, so she couldn't have been all bad.
Cait Sith -- Aside from the fact that Reeve stole Hart's plans to build him, he's Reeve, and Reeve is usually a pretty nice guy.
5. He says he's gotten over it. But I'm worried he's prone to another outbreak.
6. Butch knows a lot about Materia, though. Besides, I need all the help I can get.
7. In the Gold Saucer Battle Square, with 32000 BP.
8. Me (I'm the main character), Palmer (has that Mako gun), Zangan (lots of nifty martial arts moves). Hart is good against enemies that attack with PaRappa references, or at least he used to be.

Q: Hello Domino. I got some questions for ya. 1) You're the Shinra librarian, right? Well, I looked all over the Shinra building when I played Final Fantasy VII, but I can't find the porno mag. Where is it? 2) Shinra didn't censor the porno mag out, did they? I couldn't find the programmers room either. 3) If Reeve of Shinra planned the construction of Midgar, how could you be the mayor? 4) Did you jam up the candy machine? That's all for today. But I expect some good answers.

Domino sez:
1. There is no porno mag. Well, I did see a furniture catalog on Rufus's desk open to a page of doors, but that was it.
2. You're thinking of FF4. There's a porno mag in the Japanese version, it's in the Dwarf Castle somewhere. You go down into the Programmer's Room and it's on a book shelf.
3. I run the place, or at least I did until Shinra took over. He just came up with the basic plan for the city.
4. Yes. Those damn Shinra (I was the original creator of that phrase, I might add) wouldn't let me have any candy, and if I can't have it, no one can!

Q: Couple of questions for you...

1. What's your best time with your swivel chairs? 3. How come you said there was an FF7 Civ 2 scenario in Cosmo Canyon when there's not?

Domino sez:
1. I got 4'23"80 on Grand Valley East and 3'80'25" on Clubman Stage Route 5.
2. ...furnisexual? No, Rufus is the only furnisexual person that I know of.
3. Um, there used to be, but it didn't work.

Fritz sez: This is not an actual letter. It is some questions from mail to Domino that I accidentally deleted, but happened to remember. You probably don't care, but I just thought you might want to know if one of your questions was here.

Q:Do you know what these acronyms stand for? P.S., A.M., P.M., B.C., A.D., A.S.A.P., R.S.V.P., S.C.U.B.A., R.O.B.O.T., L.A.S.E.R., and F.U. mean. That last one was told at me when I was in a chat room with a lot of mean people.

Anomynous Reader

Domino sez: Here's what they mean, in order: Post Script, Ante Meridian, Post Meridian, Before Christ, Anno Domini, Responde Sil Vous Plait, Shoot Cows Up Barret's Ass, this one doesn't stand for anything*, Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation, What To Say To Rufus.

* Robot is a Polish word.

Q:It's-a-me, Mario! Before I ask my questions, I request of you to please not steal my line anymore. i.e. "It's-a-me, Domino!" Nintendo was very upset about that, and wanted me to talk to you about it. I'll forgive you, but the company flipped out about it. Now, to the questions!

1. Why does Hart hate PaRappa references so much? Is he worse at the game than Barett is, or was there some traumatic experience with the game in his past?

2. At what furniture outlet can I find the highest quality swivel chairs? I've gotten a little bored with the go-karts.

3. Not really a question, but a reassurance: Tortellini Domino isn't such a bad name. Mine is Mario Mario, 'nuff said there...

4. If you were faced with the choice of visiting an esteemed Italian restaurant for a special dinner in your honor, or going out and saving some princess, which would you choose?

~Mario Mario, who is definitely considering a change of name

Domino sez: I didn't-a steal-a your phrase! I made-it-a up and you-a copied me, you AVALANCHE-a scum! You can-a tell-a Miyamoto to quit-a copying me or I-a will-a go-a postal!

1. He-a hated them because he thought they were being-a overused. But then he-a realized his hatred of PaRappa was being-a overused too, so he-a stopped.
2. Mine are-a custom-manufactured racing models by-a Aston Martin. 3. Mario Mario is-a stupid-a name! That's-a-what you get for-a copying me!
4. I-a would-a save-a the princess because-a I need-a some-a political clout, no?

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