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Palmer's Mailbag - July 24th, 1998

Today's edition of Palmer's Mailbag covers Bugenhagen, insect politics, Crono, Celebrity Deathmatches, roll models, town names, and... lard! Mmm! Tomorrow's guest editor is the infamous Professor Daravon, so for the are the be query and with commentator is Daravon's Mailbag.

Q: Yo Palmer! I wondered where the hell you went. You're in Cosmo Canyon to see yer ol' war buddy HaaganDaaz, er Bugenhagen, right? Anyways, I have to make this quick, Druggy's making some weird comments about the building's mailman and I gotta stop him before he sets fire to the carpeting again.

Strange, I could've sworn you were in Costa Del Sol...

Austen
PalmerHQ

(Note to Fritz: You know that Bugenhagan lost his legs in the great war against Wutai 12 years ago? This ended his glorious miltary career. It's true! Ask Palmer!)

Palmer sez: Hey-hey! It's my election staff! How's the campaign going? Say hello to Ultros for me.

-- Avatar

Palmer sez: Hey-hey, you need to talk to Tortellini; he's the politician. Mmm... tortellini... I like tortellini...

Q: Ok.... My Q's for the day.
1. Why the heck are you so fat?
2. How in heck did you get a job at Shinra?
3. Are you related to Eric Cartman?
4. Did you kill Kenny (or Wedge or Vicks)?
5.How would you like to be trapped up on a Sattelite on my MSTings?
6. That Mako Gun is pretty sweet. Where DID you get that thing?

That is all. Tata.

CrowBar
--MSTer of bad fanfics

Palmer sez:
1. Lard! It's mmm-mmm-good!
2. Hey-hey, Hart and I were the originators of the Jenova Project. But after Gast got pulled and Hojo showed up, we resigned.
3. No. But, hey-hey, Kenny is Wedge's long-lost cousin.
4. Nope.
5. Is there lard up there? I wouldn't mind if you had lard and tea... and honey too...
6. Hey-hey, I bought it at a government seizure auction. It's where I bought my house too.

Q:Hi Palmer. I got some questions for you.
1. Why do you find the word "fat" so offensive? Do you think that's the f-word that is always censored in video games?
2. What's with the hair man?
3. Why do you wear that stupid bow-tie instead of a suit tie?
4. What's this thing about you and lard? Did your mother put it in you bottle when you were a baby?
5. Why do you have to repeat hey everytime you say something? Every line out of your mouth (well almost every) starts with "Hey-hey!"
6. How did you get to the top of Shinra if your an idiot that always says hey?
7. Cloud didn't kill Sephiroth in Nibelheim! Yuffie put on a Cloud costume and killed him! (I don't really hate Yuffie but I figured it would be funny to say that)

The person
who thinks Palmer is a fat idiot

Palmer sez:
1. Hey-hey! Don't say 'fat'! Hey-hey-hey!
2. Of all the people in FF7, you pick my hair to make fun of?
3. Hey-hey, the ties only come halfway down. It looks weird.
4. Hey-hey, no. I don't even know my mother. I've been working at Shinra since my mama was a baby, hey-hey-hey!
5. Hey-hey, what's wrong with that? Hey-hey-hey!
6. See the last letter, hey.
7. Hey-hey!

Q: hey hey hey, it's fat albert!
1. what the hell is so good about lard?
2. you should make your own band, so you can dance in it. it'd be good for a lau... er.. nice day.
3. how'd you survive that truck encounter?
4. have you ever tried searching for the people that hit you with that truck?

Palmer sez:
1. It's tasty! Hey-hey!
2. I'm a good dancer! Just watch!

3. I was in traction for a while...
4. Hey-hey, it was Tortellini 'n the gang. It was an accident. No hard feelings, hey-hey-hey!

Q: Before I start this letter, you must know this: There are TWO parts to this letter. They are responses to Gobi's statement "The other Crono was an imposter..." The first part should be applied as my answer I Gobi considered the Slide Show Ending Crono to be the real Crono, and the second should be applied if he meant the Crono in the slide show ending was an imposter.

To the Donut Packin', Lard Snackin', Fat Frackin' Palmer:

Excuse moi? I, Crono, an IMPOSTER!!?!?!? Even the mere thought is atrocious. Atroscities are something you' have experience with Palmer, considering your eating habits, during which you consume inhuman amounts of animal fat!!?!?!? AND LET ME TELL YOU...ahem, sorry about that, it's just that my emotions tend to get the best of me at times. Well anyways, it appears GOBI is just as despicable! I, Crono, who worked hard, long, hours (or millenia, depending on which way you look at it), all the while restraining my vast intellect, get THIS as thanks?!?!? "The other Crono is an imposter" INDEED!! I was going to speak in the Slide Show Ending, but the script Square had prepared for me was dull, lifeless, and flacid. Therefore, when the recording began, I launched into a wonderous ballad of the beauty of the Space-Time Continuum, but was immediately cut off. It was at this point I became furious, and dived at Sakaguchi (who happened to be present), Rainbow Sword arched high above my spikey head, screaming, in the words of the immortal Mr. Hat, "YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!!!" Alas, before I could reach my mark, I was grabbed and forcibly restrained, bound, gagged, and flown to the Tin Saucer in Beath of Flams World, where I was forced non-stop to read "Domino: TUS" to antelopes of various shapes and sizes. I only recently escaped, and am now living in a classified area of the United States, hoping to prove my existance to the immortal Cosmo Canyon. Oh, and the fake Crono who did the ending? He...Was, THe, RED HAIRED GUY DRESSED IN DENIM FROM THE BATTLE SQUARE IN FF7!!!!.

Part Two,

Thank Mog, my story is finally told. My immortal thanks to you Gobi, and the rest of Cosmo Canyon.

Oh, and Yuffie? You did it, I saw you do it, and I can prove everything!!

Regards,
The One and only Crono

Palmer sez: Hey-hey-hey!

Q:YAHOOO!!! Break out the booze, lard, spank the monkeys and lissen up! This letter is mostly ta' Fritz, but i figured ya' could give it to him for me, Fatman. Y'see, I woke up late last nite after reading the "smart Crono" letter, and I thought might pass this on. Buuuut , since i know ya like QUESTIONS, I'll give my idea's in question form.

Numero Uno! (1) Who is the REAL Crono? The smart one or the one who answered letters?

2. Do you see the potential in this question? FANFICS BABY!!!!!! CELEBRITY DEATHMATCHES!!!! Imagine, if you will...a question long gone unanswered......a concept beyond your wildest imagination...WHO IS THE REAL CRONO??????

3. Print this letter!!!

4. Number three wasn't a question, but do ya see the logic behind it? If I feel this way, others could too, right? So if ya printed the letter, the Idea could catch on to other people

Until next month, I remain
Reno Balbeano!!

Palmer sez:
1. Hey-hey! The one who answered the letters! Crono doesn't talk!
2. Hey-hey, you read Fritz's mind, hey-hey-hey! He's working on something just like that, so stay tuned! Hey-hey!
3. Hey, okay!

Q: Hey Hey, Palmer! I have a few questions for you (in that evil numbered format, too).

1. How are you feeling after being hit by a truck? I thought that was the funniest part in the whole game!
2. Who was driving that trukc again? Was it Domino?
3. Want some Lard?
4. How on Earth did you get so fat?
5. Who in their infinite stupidity put YOU in charge of launching the Rocket at the aptly named Rocket Town?

Ok, that's it. Now, a Question for Fritz: What the heck is up with Yuffie's mailbag? Not the "like's" every 5 words, I mean the last four or so entries. They were all bold! Gawd, was that confusing! You forget an unbold tag or something?

The very thin Mark

Palmer sez:
1. All that lard I ate protected me, hey-hey!
2. Yup.
3. Sure! Hand it over! Hey-hey-hey!
4. Lard! MMMM!
5. Hey-hey! I'm the head of the space division! Hey, and speaking of Rocket Town, I think they should rename all the towns to more userly friendly names like that:
Costa Del Sol: Beach Town
Junon: Cannon Town
Midgar: Polluted Town
Icicle Inn: Snow Town
Gongaga Town: Meltdown Town (hey-hey, that rhymes!)
Wutai: Pagoda Town
Bone Village: Excavation Town
Cosmo Canyon: Fanfic Town

Fritz sez: I... forgot... to close... the tag...
Mark sez: You... forgot... to close... the tag...

Q: HEY HEY! It's fatman Palmer! Anyway i was just wondering if you could answer a few of my questions.

1. Why do RPG Characters never change their clothes shower etc. I mean they fight and sweat stuff i bet they smell TERRIBLE!
2. How exactly did you survive getting hit by a truck of that size?
3. How can you eat LARD!?
4. Are you related to Don Corneo? I mean your both fat and obsessive in one way or another (you with food he with girls).
5. Does it really take 11 Zerg to screw in a lightbulb?
6. Who is your roll model?

Okay that's all. Cya in hell Palmer!

-The Infamous Westward Stabber

Palmer sez:
1. Cid's the worst of them...
2. Hey-hey, it's all that lard I ate! And you thought my weight was a DISadvantage!
3. With my mouth! Hey-hey-hey!
4. No...
5. Hey-hey-hey, I don't know!
6. The picture on the package of rolls. Or did you mean role model?

Q: Hey Fatman. This is actually going to Yuffie, so please forward it to her. The X button thing when Yuffie hugs Cloud was something along these lines: You press X three times just as Yuffie hugs Cloud. Supposedly, it would show a hidden FMV sequence of Cloud and Yuffie... in private, or so I heard. I'm not certain what they were supposed to be doing, though. Probably talking about life (yeah, right).

Okay Palmer, now it's your turn.
1) What unnatural power gives you the ability to eat lard straight? Even in tea it's got to be entirely gross and nasty.
2) How would a Mako gun be able to create magic spells? I understand that Mako is the predecessor to Materia, but Mako doesn't really do anything, does it?
3) And.... Last question. What exactly happened during that meeting Cloud spied on? Did Sephiroth come and cut you from behind? I mean, how were you able to lay half of your body on the table, and the other part just stayed on the ground?
4) Okay, this is the last. Am I going crazy?
KainDragoon

Fritz sez: Never heard that rumor (I never dated Yuffie at the Gold Saucer, as you can imagine)... but you can view all the FMV in the game on a computer through PSXVideo, so there's no hidden FMV.

Palmer sez:
1. Hey-hey, I don't eat lard in tea! That's disgusting!
2. Hey-hey-hey, it runs all the power plants!
3. Polygon breakup...
4. Hey-hey, I don't know. I'm clueless myself.

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