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Rufus Shinra's Mailbag - July 6th, 1998

Today's edition of Rufus's Mailbag answers questions on employment, Weapon, Luna, the door, my hair, and that stupid cat (WARNING: GA2 spoilers). Cait Sith is out looking for the Jade Monkey. Tomorrow's guest editor will be Crono, so send your questions and comments to him.

Q: Mr. Rufus Shinra, Why did you make Sephy close Jenova World? I hadn't gone there yet. I wanted to ride all the rides! Besides, why do you need Junon Harbor anyways? It's such a dull place.
-Concerned (and confused) person

P.S. Why does Cait think your hair's funny?

Rufus sez: It's MY city! I'm not letting some psycho ghost run the place and turn it into an amusement park. He's moved into screenwriting now, I hear.

1)Are there any openings at the SEPC? My parents have threatened me at gunpoint to get a job.
2)Why couldn't you have been a secret character? (other than the fact that most of the heroes are twits)
3)After your "accident" with Weapon, did you have to get like a big metal plate over your face, kind of like Breetai from Macross? That would make you even cooler.
4)On the subject of Macross, who's more annoying: Yuffie or Minmei?

forgot to sign it!
Mafia Boss Vinny Valentino

Rufus sez:
1. The garbage removal division is always recruiting...
2. That's exactly why.
3. Um... no. 4. I would have said Scarlet, but I guess that wasn't a choice.

Q: Rufus, this is not Cait Sith. I was told by him to give you this letter, don't blame me... yes he has a lot of time on his hands....

Cait: HEY RUFUS! I finally found the perfect way to describe your hair, I was only messing around with words...until now. Ha! I also left a "present" on your desk, it is a gold peice, genuine classic, (Just wait till Ramuh finds out who "stole" it...) bye, and your hair is... Yuffie spawn!!! ARRRRGH! Even the thought makes me sick, but its real...hold on, I need to get ot the bathroom.

Urk.....
-C.S.

Rufus sez: Look at the garbage I have to put up with every day.

Q: Rufus

Hey, all hail the hero of GA2! I haven't finished it yet, only at Chapter 10, but it is cool so far. The only thing is though, I have this horrible premonition that Cait is going to do something horrible to your door. I hope you take a shotgun to his furry little head if he does. Well, I already wrote a letter to Cait before I saw that you would be doing the column today, but I will ask you the same questions.
#1 [question removed at author's request]
#2 How did you and Aeris survive the events in FF7?
#3 Is anyone sure that Cait wasn't the one who peed on the electric fence? Something must have happened to him for him to be like that. They don't have LSD in the Esper World do they?
#4 What is the imaginary problem with your hair? I didn't see anything wrong with it....especially next to Sephiroth and Cloud!

Sincerely,
Kain Darkwind

Rufus sez: 1. NULL 2. This was explained in Guardian Amulet 1, but I escaped through a portal when Weapon attacked and was teleported to the Suikoden world, where I posed as a guy named Clive. Aerith was killed, but Angol Fred, the King of False Rumors, revived her as part of his plans. But she turned good aain.
3. I still think he's on crack...
4. He has to find some fault with everybody to cover up his own insecurity.

Q: Rufus,
Tell Cait Sith that I didn't say "I hate having to have him" because I make things harder for me all the time. Also, ask Fritz if he read any good fan-fics lately! Oh, and I have nothing to ask you. Why? Well ... you're evil. Don't take it too hard. I'll make it up to you. We could go camping together sometime! Won't it be fun? Oh wait, that's a question ... Um, nevermind. ^_^
-Sir T. Magus

Rufus sez: I'm not evil anymore. I'm the hero now! I showed Cloud! As for your other question, try The World Goes To Hell And It's All Locke's Fault: Can You Guess Who I Don't Like?; you can find it at Abilene. It's hilarous; although it would have been better if it was The World Goes To Hell And It's All Cait Sith's Fault...

Q: Hey, you're not actually making a When Chocobos Attack Fan Fiction that would be cool.

-MagicHammer

Rufus sez: In a word, no. But it would be cool.

Q: Guess what, Rufus? You know how Cait Sith always annoys you and makes fun of your hair, and basically makes your life a living hell? Well, I know something that will make him a most unhappy cat, uhmm, Esper, and then you can tear him down. Fritz was wrong, the hoax is a hoax is a hoax. That's right, the whole Jade Monkey thing is a bunch of hooey. Luna already has a husband(Artemis) and a daughter(Diana). And last time I checked,(which was today) they're happy and Luna isn't thinking about divorce. So Luna doesn't want Cait, and Diana's too young. Oh, and one more thing, make sure Cait doesn't try to steal her or anything, beacause they'd call the Sailor Senshi and they'd whack the hell out of Cait.(though, if it's Rufus getting this, he may "forget" to tell Cait about this "small" detail.....) However, there are some anime-cats more Cait's style in Samurai Pizza Cats.(Again, Rufus may "forget" to tell Cait....) Well, I hope I've been some sort of help, Rufus and have fun crushing Cait's spirits.

Rubeus
P.S. If Luna didn't send the letters, then who did?............

Rufus sez: Why are you telling me this? Do you think I care about that stupid cat's love life?

P.S.: Artemis is a female name.

Cait sez: (Just dropping by briefly). Hey, Rufus, at least I'M not in love with a door!

Q: Hi, Rufus!

Well...just wanna say that your hair isn't THAT bad. (Well, it could be worse..) Anyway, I have a couple of questions for ya:

1. What on EARTH POSSESED YOU TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A DOOR?!?
2. Why don't you run after Aerith instead? (To give that Cloud dude some competition)
3. Why don't you dye your hair?
4. Is there anyone special someone? (besides the door)
5. Why does Cait Sith frequently tease you?

By the way, sorry for calling you "manipulative" (on my last e-mail ot Cait), but at least your cute! (HONEST!)

This is all for now,
ShadowLady

Rufus sez:
1. Are you makin' fun of my door? My door rocks!
2. I think you're mistaking me for Tseng.
3. Why would I?
4. Stop making fun of my door! No.
5. Because of his own insecurity about the fact that he's in love with some cat who's married to somebody with a female name but is actually a male cat and is probably Laguna Loire's cat. Or something like that.

Q: agh. more dobermans... oh. sorry. wrong mailbag. i thought, for a second, that i was writing to the anti-doberman campaign. i forgot... weren't there some dobermans in the shinra building? ...nice door, by the way. ga2 rocked, maaaan. tell fritz that, or i'll make fun of your hair... i do like that door, though. oh, by the way. want to laugh at how pathetic i truly am in final fantasy tactics? i blew the coal city mission (save olan!). god, i'm going to be the center of mockary for years to come. "hey, ralph! let's laugh at tseng, for losing the coal city mission... twice!". ...where can i get a door like that? okay... i've wasted enough space with this letter. my pen's running dry, and i'm bored. have a nice day.

-tseng

Rufus sez: I don't know where you could find another door like mine... the Master Librarian was really reluctant to sell that one, and you're as heck not getting mine.

Q:Hey Rufus!
Anyway, this isn't really a question, but everyone's always asking how Relm fights w/ a paintbrush and by actually watching her fight w/ this paintbrush I would assume that there's some sort of magic in this paintbrush that makes her paintings come to life and they fight for her.
Utahie

Rufus sez: Ok.

Q:Hey, Rufus, or Mr. Almighty President of the Great Shinra Incorporated (Umbrella can just go to . . . that Underworld place you were stuck in), I have a few questions for you. I'm a major fan, unlike my stupid sister (that used my screen name) who hates you. . . Anyway:
1.) Who does your hair? It's really cool with those three bangs.
2.) How do you keep your hair the way it is?
3.) How do you rebuild Shinra Inc. so fast?
4.) What do you hate the most about Cait Sith?
5.) How did you feel once GA2 ended? I'm sure I would be disappointed if I was robbed of my chance to kill the main villain. and. . .
6.) What did you do with all the shotgun shells you got from Tyrant? I'm sure you had more than you needed in GA2.

Thanks! You can kick Cloud's butt any day of the week, I'm sure. ^_^
-- Athena (The REAL one, this time)

Rufus sez:
1. I do. And thanks for being the voice of reason.
2. Super glue!
3. The same way Wedge and Vicks come back to life so fast.
4. His mouth. He wouldn't be so bad, if he couldn't talk.
5. The worst part was that the stupid cat had to save me from Squall. Next time I see that so-called hero, there won't be a Ball Mode.
6. You never know when they might come in handy... if somebody tries to make off with my door or something...

Q: Hiya Cait. Fritz is a really good writer (my mom yells at me for laughing so hard) but why do his stories take so long to write?

Rufus sez: I'M NOT CAIT SITH! Do I look like that stupid cat to you?

Fritz sez: In answer to your question -- quality, not quantity. Oops, I sound like Nintendo. Actually, I'm breezing through Cid Wars II; it'll be done in a week or two.

Q: Dear Rufus,

Your end is coming, you Final Fantasy 7 slime! You and your crew will be deported from your bodies, and into the underworld. None of you are safe from the wrath of Maduin. You cut me from FF7 and FFT, and now, now, you will never see the light of day. Say your prayers, rat wigged boy!

Signed,
Maduin Ighstool Branford

Rufus sez: You see what I mean about all the crap I have to put up with? You didn't see Cait Sith getting these letters, did you?

Q: Hey How come in GA2 the Garding Armlet [spelling] is never mention

Mr. Smartpants

Rufus sez: The Guardian Amulet was a major part of the plot in the original Guardian Amulet. GA2 is a sequel because it has the same characters, but the plot is totally unrelated.

Q: Hey Rufus,

Are you feeling all right? Do you need to lie down? Why are you so attached to a door? Is it a personal problem?

Oh, a word of warning: I heard that when Cait Sith gets back from his Jade Monkey Quest, he's going to do some heavy damage to the door. Be prepared...and don't say I didn't warn you.

Mark

P.S. The EPA is after you for singlehandedly destroying the ozone layer or something. Must be the 4 cans of hair spray you use every day.

Rufus sez: NOBODY touches my door! Especially not Cait and his stupid band / movie crew / book discussion group. I'd step up the security precautions, but I think I already have them all in place.

Q: All right, Rufus, the jig is up! Stop dancing! I mean it! We know you have the Jade Monkey in one of your safes... or... whatever. I trailed it to the auction, where it was sold as "RUFUS's priceless Jade Monkey!" I tried to buy it, but it was already bought by some guy and a brat who owns half an airship! And all this was just a clever plot to take over the mailbag! My god, you're low!

-Lobsterboy

P.S. And your hair sucks too.

Rufus sez: I'm not even going to be here tomorrow. Why would I want to waste my time answering some cat's stupid mail about his girlfriend and a monkey? [ed. note: I hope he didn't mean what that sounds like...]

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