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Cait Sith's Mailbag - July 5th, 1998

Today's sole edition of Cait Sith's Mailbag answers questions on Hanpan, the Jade Monkey, Tifa, the "C" key, Secret of Evermore, fanfics, and more stuff.

Cait Sith is out looking for the Jade Monkey again, so send your questions and comments to Rufus Shinra.


Q: Hi Cait!

Big fan of yours, Lobsterboy here! I use you all the time in FF7! Ya know what? Hanpan's a meanie! I admit that SOME of my questions were a bit...... absurd, but he doesn't need to be so damned irritable! On a side note, if he is listening, I HAVE READ "BLUE AND GREEN!" I was the guy in the very back row! The one with the exoskeleton who was eating the corn dog! Anyhow, I have some questions in numbered form for no real reason whatsoever...

1. Who would win, Your Mog or the real Mog?
2. GA2 Kicked! It was my first time laughing at a fanfic for..... well, WEEKS, I s'pose......
I guess that last one really wasn't a question, but what the hell!
-Lobsterboy
Better finish "The Quest for the Jade Monkey" for the hell of it......

Cait sez: I should have known better than to let "Stone Cold" Hanpan take over my letters section... 1. Tough call. The real Mog has the dances, so I'd give the edge to him.
2. Fritz says thanks. I say: Hee hee, I saved Rufus there, didn't I?


Cait, you've already made a cameo appearance, remember? You were the cat gurdian in Wild Arms, the most powerful gurdian at that. Also, I think you should have been in Banjo, you have way more attitude than Kazooie.

P.S. Why does Fritz always give Tifa crappy roles in his fan-fics? Does he hate her? Do YOU hate her?

Cait sez: Yeah, but that wasn't an official appearance or anything. It was more like they copied me. I still think they should make a game called Jack-Hanpan, where Jack runs around hitting people with his sword and collecting "jiggies" (I don't want to know...) while Hanpan rides in his pocket and calls people simpletons.

Fritz sez: I don't hate Tifa. On the other hand, I don't like her at all. In case you were wondering, here's how I'd rank the FF7 characters:

  1. Cid
  2. Cait Sith
  3. Aerith
  4. Barret
  5. Bugenhagen
  6. Biggs and Wedge
  7. Red XIII
  8. Rufus
  9. Cloud
  10. Vincent
  11. Tifa
  12. Sephiroth
  13. The blank spot left after Aerith dies
  14. Yuffie (heh heh)

Cait sez: SECOND? How much cuter do I have to be? Give me a break! You don't see Cid writing this column, do you?


Q: Sorry about the Fascist questions last time I wrote. It couldn't be helped. I'm better now. Here's some new ones, and I'll number them for you. :)

1) Now that you know that the whole Jade Monkey thing was a hoax, is the contest still on? I wanna write a fanfic! :)

2) In GA2, why does Akuma say stuff? In the games he doesn't say Hadoken or anything like that, he just grunts alot.

3) Why does Hanpan call everyone a simpleton? Doesn't he know any other insults? Couldn't he call everyone "repugnant" like the Brain did?

4) Do you know how to fix the c key on my keyboard, it's kinda not working all the time. Sometimes I have to push it two or three times to get it to work.

Cait sez:
1. Turns out the hoax was a hoax. See the bottom of the column!
2. Mistakes were made.
3. Because he is one.
    Hanpan sez: BECAUSE HANPAN SAID SO!
4. Try vaseline. It might void your warranty or something, though. I have the same problem with the decimal button on my calculator. That kinda sucks.


Q: Hey Cait,

Do you ever plan to have your band team up with Sephiroth and release an album of your greatest hits? I think that a CD with "Jenova World" and all your band's songs would sell lots of copies. At least in the hundreds.

Just wondering.
Mark

Cait sez: I don't know about a greatest hits album (sad to say, we didn't have any hits). But now that Sephiroth's a screenwriter, and we're a movie company, we might be making When Chocobos Attack.


Q: Dear Cait Sith,
Greetings, Cait Sith! I am a very big fan of yours and a very big fan of Fritz's site. It's painfully hilarious! Anyway, on to the point of the matter. What's your favorite party for Final Fantasy VII? Mine is: CLOUD (I hate not having the option to NOT have him in the party all the time), CAIT SITH, and TIFA. I hope I'm not trying to be fascist. If I am I apologize.

-Sir Timothious Magus

Cait sez: Mine? That's easy. I use a GameShark and play with CAIT SITH, CAIT SITH, CAIT SITH. Sometimes I use Red 'cause he's pretty cool.

P.S. Why did you say "I hate not having the option to NOT have him..."? Why not just say "I hate having to have him...."


Q: I thought that Secret of Evermore was one of the best RPG's ever made. I look at all games for story line and game play and don't care about anything else [not even graphics]. I was just wondering how you could possibly not like this game. Also I think that it was stupid to double cross Cloud in FF7. Coming from some one that likes the game of course.

-Ryan B.

Cait sez: I'm not going to reply to this, because it's funnier than anything I could write.


Q: Hey Cait, when is the webmaster gonna update this site so my fanfics get up?! Cid's page (Rocket Town) has already put up two of them, and he's the last place I sent them and you're the first!!!! By the way (sorry to send in another facist question), why does it matter how strong your weapon is in battle when you don't use it? Your moogle just conks people over the head, and the only thing you use the megaphone for is shouting at people!!!!!!! As a final note, RUIN RUFUS'S LIFE IN THE GUARDIAN AMULET 2 CROSSOVER!!!!!!! I want to see Sephiroth running a fully constructed Jenova World, so be and the crew can go burn it down!!!

See ya,
Cloud Strife

Cait sez: Because he hasn't added reader fanfics yet! He says he will sometime, but he hasn't yet. As Hanpan would say, "SIMPLETON!"


Q: How come you always make fun of Rufus, Cait? Are just jealous cause he's cooler than you? Why don't you do this to Cid or Barret (that would be more interesting for us readers)?
some guy

Cait sez: Because Cid and Barret are somewhat cool. Not as cool as me, of course -- I'm the man with the masta' plan. Hey, I gotta tell you this really funny story about King Truffle and grape Kool-Aid. See, I was trying out this new spell and -- whoops! Out of time! Gotta go.


Q: How could you trick a robot into pissin' on an electric fence? They're inadimate (did I spell that right?) objects! They can't piss! What did you really do to Cait II?! Tell me!
P.S. Mr. Saturn does rule!

P.P.S I think Chrono Trigger sucked. It was TOO short and easy, plus the storyline wasn't as good as Wild Arm's or FFIII's (FFVI).

just call me Mr. P.S.

Cait sez: Hey, Mr. B.S. Oops, I mean Mr. P.S. Didn't I answer this question already? Cait Sith #2 had to get rid of his old oil. Read the column from two days ago. Oh, and Chrono Trigger was a cool game. It had Spekkio in it; Spekkio rocks.


Q: You are SOOO pitiful, Cait! You don't know how Red fights with a comb?! Come on, it's SOOO simple! He doesn't use normal combs. The combs he uses are made out of stuff like diamond and are very sharp. When he does that flip he kinda headbuts the enemy with the comb, but then it really wouldn't work on machines very well... And you don't even know how you fight with a megephone! Now that is pitiful! Plus Fritz doesn't know how you fight with dictionaries or harps! You can whack people with dictionaries and harps. You can also bore people to death by reading dictionaries! You know how bad the FFT soundtrack is. They just play the harps and the enemies will either commit suicide or get incinerated (like Vicks and Wedge in Fritz's Blue and Green). Now how does Relm (that @^^$@%%&$R@#~$$^&^^#$%!##~~$# &&^(((&&(^&$#%##!!$^ %%*&)^&$@$!$%#^&&* (^$##@$#%&%($*(&(#$@$^ *(%#(@(&!%^%&*(*%$@@#^%@*!) fight with a paintbrush? I have no clue.
some guy

Cait sez: It's Mr. BS again! Yes, he wrote this question, plus the two previous ones. Actually, I wasn't going to reply to this one, I just wanted to point out that Mr. BS wrote me three letters in the same day.


Q: You spoony bard! I thought I told you to get the Jade Monkey! If you don't, Yuffie will take over Spamoslavia and then the world. Help me, Cait Sith, you're my only hope!

- You know who.

Cait sez: Luna? It's you, isn't it? Again? That means the hoax was a hoax... so I do have to get the Jade Monkey.... arrrgh! This is too confusing! But I'll do it for you, Luna....

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