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The Dragon Quest Illuminati is Taking Over the World

by Joan Christopher

It's time to put on your aluminum foil helmets again, sports fans. Enix has just announced Dragon Quest VIII and I already know that it will have no plot and not be any fun. It's all very simple -- Enix is an agent of darkness, and this latest game of theirs is simply another step in their drive for world domination.

Like any evil organization, Enix has already outlined their sinister plans. The creators of Dragon Quest stand at the head of a vast conspiracy infecting every branch and level of our government. A conspiracy to destroy every known tenet of game design. A conspiracy to force medieval RPGs and non-existent storylines into the console of every man, woman, and child in America. A conspiracy to steal our very gaming souls. I know this because Ershin knows this.

It will only be a matter of time before Square games are outlawed. People like you and me will be reduced to rogue gamers enjoying Final Fantasy X in our secret underground bunkers, safe from the eyes of Enix's Dragon Quest Gestapo. Yuji Horii is no less than a reincarnation of Adolf Hitler, my friends, and he will stop at nothing to take our beloved games away from us.

You might think Dragon Quest fans are just ordinary people who like a different game series than you. But don't be fooled. Lurking under their fansites and cute "slime" artwork is the greatest threat to civilization humanity has yet seen. Make no mistake, the only good Dragon Quest fan is a dead one.

We must remain ever vigilant, my friends. The Dragon Quest Illuminati has already seized control of Japan. Final Fantasy IX has been outsold by Dragon Quest VII. Now only Fortress America stands in defiance of the madman Horii. We must take every action we can to ensure that Dragon Quest cannot establish a foothold here in the Land of the Free.

I may have already said too much. As I write this, one of Horii's hench-fans is no doubt recording my every word and preparing to write a thinly-disguised "flame" that will let his dastardly compatriots know just when to strike against me.

I fear for my life. And you, my readers, should too.

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