12/28/07

If there's one company that knows exactly what its fans want, then gives them something completely different out of spite, it's Electronic Arts.  EA's latest thumb in the eye of gamers is Burnout Paradise, which brings something entirely new to the popular series... boredom.  The arcade-style racing you loved from previous games has been integrated into a real-world environment, which means less of the driving excitement you've come to expect from Burnout and more of the ordinary driving you've come to expect from your daily trips to work.  You can't just start a race, oh no... you've got to find the starting line on a hopelessly tangled web of streets, highways, and back alleys, then drive there with one eye on a map and the other on the eerily deserted roads.  The only thing missing from the mind-numbing experience are the kids in the back seat shouting "Are we there yet?  I need to go to the bathroooom!  Daddy, do we have to play Burnout Paradise?!"

Preening Criterion developer Alex Ward is quick to defend the aimless new direction of the Burnout series, patting himself on the back for the new design while insulting the collective intelligence of his critics.  "There's no need for replays!" he proclaims, so blinded by his arrogance and self-delusion that he can't see what a pain in the ass it would be to drive three miles to return to the last remaining goal on the map.  "Who needs a crash mode?" he asks, blissfully unaware that many Burnout fans still want it and expect it from the series.  "We're the experts... we know what we're doing here!" he boasts, conveniently forgetting about all the other dumb play mechanics Criterion introduced to the series that were swept under the rug shortly afterward.  Do you know what you're doing here, Alex?  Do you really?  Let's take a look at your recent, post-EA sell-out track record...

 

POINT MULTIPLIER

Introduced: Burnout 3: Takedown (2004)

Concept: Add a target to the playfield that sends the player's points through the roof in the crash mode

Problem: Multipliers were worth so much they became more important than actually crashing the car

Removed: Burnout Legends (2005)

 

TRAFFIC CHECKING

Introduced: Burnout Revenge (2005)

Concept: Lets players use incoming traffic as deadly projectiles

Problem: Removed challenged from most races; resulted in the most pointless Burnout event EVER

Removed: Burnout Paradise (2008)

 

START METER

Introduced: Burnout Revenge (2005)

Concept: Challenges players to time their starts perfectly for a speed boost in the crash mode

Problem: Blew up cars well before they actually reached the crash site, annoying gamers

Removed: Burnout Revenge (2006)

 

RADIO DISC JOCKEY

Introduced: Burnout 3: Takedown (2004)

Concept: Justifies the introduction of music from Fall Out Boy and other lackluster artists

Problem: Smarmy morons made the player want to run over the DJs rather than concentrate on racing

Removed: Not yet.  Keep hoping, folks...

 

CRASH MODE

Introduced: Burnout 2: Point of Impact (2002)

Concept: Send a car careening into rush hour traffic, filling the street with wreckage

Problem: Post-EA acquisition Criterion wanted to be thorough in taking the enjoyment out of Burnout

Removed: Burnout Dominator (2007)

 

Hmm, looks like a whole lot of mistakes to me!  And the marketing-mandated, wholly uninspired sandbox design of Burnout Paradise will be your biggest one yet.  You've taken the purity of Burnout and polluted it with adventure elements that nobody wanted, just like Activision did with Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 4 back in 2002.  You have the gall to claim that this adds value to the game, but let me ask you this... if I take this juicy steak, then stuff it into a food processor along with an equal amount of cereals and fillers, have I given you more for your money?  No, I've made dog food.  And while there may be more of it, it's sure not as tasty as the steak. 

12/15/07

I've put another semester of college behind me, giving me ample time to work on the site until the next one begins.  Viva la winter break!

 

So what's happened during my two week absence?  Well, I've been looking for a suitable replacement for my Xbox 360 wireless controller.  It's just not up to snuff for Pac-Man Championship Edition or many of the other games on the Xbox Live Arcade service.  Unfortunately, extensive research (and a hundred dollars wasted on third party peripherals) has proved to me that there aren't any viable alternatives to it.

 

It's no great surprise that the MadCatz Arcade Stick is terrible.  The first hint is that it was developed by MadCatz, which has no business making controllers, or doing much of anything except keeping  Dr. Claw company while he plots to kill Inspector Gadget.  The second are all the negative reviews this stick has gotten from the mainstream press.  It deserves every unkind word it's gotten... although its design suggests great versatility, none of the dials, sticks, switches, and other assorted geegaws on the controller are of much use to the player. 

 

The spinner that surrounds the second analog stick is especially heartbreaking.  A controller with a built-in dial is the dream of every red-blooded classic gamer, but MadCatz was intent on killing that dream with cheap plastic parts.  Without ball bearings to support it, the spinner just grinds against the base of the unit, making it feel sluggish and deliberate in most games.  Instead of spinning your ship into position with a flick of the wrist in Asteroids, you'll crank the spinner until the ship slowly creaks its way toward the right direction... and by then, you'll probably be struck by a stray chunk of rock.

 

Even the games packed with the controller don't work particularly well with it.  While you're playing Time Pilot, you'll find your ship constantly stuck in position and unable to turn, forcing you to twist the spinner in the opposite direction to get it unstuck.  Naturally, the spinner's no good for a game like Frogger, which requires you to move in four directions.  The only pack-in that seems to work with the dial is Astropop Deluxe, and this clone of Data East's Magical Drop works just as well with a joystick.

 

You could use the joystick on the top of the controller, but why bother?  That elongated shaft is there just for show... deep down inside, it's just an oversized analog thumbstick, with all that this implies.  Its wide range of motion is ill-suited to 2D games, which require lightning-fast movements in a limited number of directions.  The face buttons ARE digital, but they're also nearly flush with the base of the unit, making them as useless as everything else on this misbegotten controller.

 

Hori's EX2 joystick is a little less disappointing.  Hell, for sixty dollars, it ought to be!  However, it's still not the right choice for most old-school games.  Although it's truly digital, the stick on the EX2 is much too loose and has very little "throw," resulting in many frustrating sessions of Pac-Man Championship Edition.  The six button layout suggests that it would be perfect for Street Fighter II, but the odd placement of those buttons coupled with their light, unsteady feel makes you wonder if there's ANY game that's right for this joystick.

 

One week and a hundred wasted dollars later, I feel like I'm back on square one with my Xbox 360.  It looks like I'll have to return to my original plan of making an adapter for the system... at this point, I think it's the only thing that will truly satisfy me.  Fortunately, someone's already way ahead of me, not only building their own adapter but providing the schematics on his web site.  I just have to find a handful of these optocouplers and I'll be in business!