BOLL BEATS TROLL: There is no joy in Goonville, for the mighty Kyanka was knocked out. The Something Awful editor was clobbered by awful movie director Uwe Boll in a boxing match sponsored by online casino Golden Palace. After the assault, Rich Kyanka angrily accused Boll of deception, claiming he was promised a clean fight before being thoroughly tenderized by Boll's fists of film-challenged fury. · · · KONAMI WAITS TO WHIP IT OUT: Dracula's greatest fear is not garlic, wooden stakes, or even the vampire-hunting Belmonts, but Final Fantasy III. That's probably why the release date of Castlevania: Portal of Ruin has been moved from November 14th to the beginning of December, weeks after the Square-Enix RPG hits store shelves. Both games will debut at $39.99. · · · SCAN-A-RAMA: What do you get when you cross a Dreamcast with the express lane at your local supermarket? Why, Mattel's Hyper Scan game console, of course! The recently released system reads lets players select their characters by passing special cards over a barcode reader built into the unit. It's like the Nintendo e-card reader, but with even less software support! · · ·

9/25/06

Those daily DDR sessions have really paid off... I lost fifteen pounds since I started playing the game last month!  Now those are some serious results!

So, have you heard the news about fiberoptic microprocessors?  Well, here's the deal... engineers are working on a chip that uses light rather than electricity to transfer data.  What that means to you the gamer is that future system will not only get a jaw-dropping boost in speed, but will consume less energy and generate less heat.  Imagine a handheld that rivals the Xbox 360 in performance, which can last twenty hours on a single battery charge... or a notebook computer that you can set on your lap for hours on end without the risk of roasting your happy apples.

There's just one issue that needs to be addressed... compatibility.  When you dig through the layers of fancy graphic cards and high-capacity storage options, you'll find an Intel processor that's not much different from what we were using twenty years ago.  Sorry Mac fans, but that goes for you, too! 

Intel's habit of building new features on a foundation built in the early 1980's has been a double-edged sword, offering users unprecedented backward compatibility at the cost of technological advancement.  When fiberoptic chips hit the scene, processor manufacturers like Intel will be forced to start from scratch. 

Even if they can make the new processor mimic the behavior of the x86 chips of the past, they'll have a devil of a time getting it to play nice with legacy peripherals.  Either the computers of the future will have to be built with adapters to transfer data to that MP3 player or LCD monitor (resulting in a marked drop in performance), or all those old playthings will have to be carted away and replaced, at a huge cost to the consumer.

The transition's not going to be easy for anybody, whether you're Bill Gates or Bill Jones from across the street.  However, with fiberoptic PCs expected to be over a hundred times faster than today's technology, the payoff will be worth the pain.

9/22/06

For those of you who thought that Viewtiful Joe was just a fluke, I've got news for 'ya! Clover Studios is going to own the hearts and minds of Playstation 2 owners this year.  It's not just because of Okami, either! I took the game home earlier this week, and after wading through the usual annoyances of unskippable opening sequences and training stages, found it to be worth the modest price. 

Gamers have frequently compared Okami to the later Zelda games; especially Wind Waker, which it most closely resembles.  However, I've noticed inspiration from an entirely different source.  Every time I play Okami, I can't help but think back to the golden days of Spyro the Dragon, when Insomniac was still calling the shots and each game was better than the last (rather than vice versa).  Maybe it's the four-legged hero, or the way you collect items by shoulder-checking clay pots.  I don't know, but the feel is definitely there.

Whatever vibe you get from Okami, you're sure to be glad that it's in your collection.  Make some space in that bookcase, though, because it won't be the ONLY must-have title that Clover Studios releases this year!  If this footage of God Hand is any indication, the game will not only make amends for Capcom's Final Fight: Streetwise, but all those other crummy 3D beat 'em ups released in the past couple of years. 

God Hand takes the musclebound machismo of the original Final Fight and Streets of Rage and cranks it up to hilarious levels.  Merely thrashing thugs with punches and kicks isn't enough... you've got to humiliate them by launching their battered bodies through walls ("Say hi to the Kool-Aid Man for me!") and taking them over your knee for a lightspeed spanking.  Now that's entertainment!

There's no guarantee that God Hand will be a keeper, but at the near-budget price of $29.99, and considering Clover's past track record (I won't mention Under the Skin if you don't!), I'd be willing to give it a shot.  Heck, the super-spankings alone are worth the cost of admission!

9/19/06

Wow, when I said I'd be back in a week, I really meant it!  My cable television and internet went out unexpectedly, stranding all my files on my desktop computer... and just in time for the announcement of the Nintendo Wii's price and release date!  Oh joy! 

I'll have to copy my site editor over to my wireless-enabled laptop in anticipation of the next time this happens.  However, the first order of business is to catch up with the last week of news and offer my opinion of the impending Wii launch.

I'll be blunt... my reaction to the Wii's price tag and ever-dwindling list of features was a creamy blend of disappointment and aggravation.  Let's go down the list, shall we?

  • STICKER SHOCK:  Seriously, Nintendo... two hundred and fifty dollars?  I never expected the Wii to retail for under two hundred bucks, but at the same time, it's a little absurd to ask more than that for what amounts to a GameCube with a jalepeņo shoved up its tailpipe.  Yes, it comes with a nifty remote control.  Yes, it comes with a pack-in game.  However, you're not getting much for your money when you compare the Wii to the marginally more expensive Xbox 360 Core Unit.
  • BORN (DVD) FREE:  Wait, this thing was supposed to play DVDs, right?  Come on, Nintendo, you promised!  When the system was first announced, Nintendo told us that the Revolution could handle movies, no problem.  Then when the console became the Wii, you needed an optional dongle to watch your favorite films.  Now, it's got no DVD functionality at all!  Hey Nintendo, if you wanted to make your system more appealing to non-gamers, it's not such a hot idea to take away the features that would appeal most to them.
  • ONLY IN AMERICA:  Speaking of broken promises, let's talk for a while about the most recent one.  Clueless Nintendo spokeswoman Perrin Kaplan told us that the Wii would be region free, letting players experience a world of games for the system.  Only problem is, she was completely wrong.  After witnessing her mistake, Nintendo of Europe was forced to step in to clean up her mess, deflating everyone's expectations in the process.  This leads any sane and reasoning gamer to wonder... why the hell is this woman still getting paid?
  • THE PARTY'S OVER:  When is packing your game system with a freebie a bad idea?  When it pisses off your already disillusioned third party supporters.  Every time a Wii is sold with a free game, an angel loses its wings.  Wait... a kitten dies, right?  Oh, I remember now!  Developers like Capcom and Konami lose the chance to sell one of their own games, at least until Wii Sports loses its flavor.  That's great for us, but not good at all for the Wii's long-term prospects.

OPEN PALM, INSERT MADDEN: It's official... there's no escape from John Madden! Unsatisfied with his appearances on everything from the Apple II to the Zodiac, the touch actin' Tinactin spokesman now stars in a game for the Palm handheld organizer. Talk about a tight fit! · · · ONE HOT LAPTOP: Ben Heckendorn is at it again! The engineer and gaming enthusiast has put together the one portable game system to rule them all... an Xbox 360 laptop. The slimline system features its own keyboard and monitor, although with a cooling system to keep the action from getting a little TOO hot. · · · STOCK, DROP, AND ROLL: More bad news for Infogrames, the latest company to be stung by the Atari curse. The French corporation has frozen its stocks, meaning that nobody can buy shares of the company until they settle their debts to European investment firms. That is, if those debts can be settled at all. · · ·

9/12/06

Extra, extra... news feed on the top of the page finally gets updated after who knows how long!  Read all about it!  Then wait a week for the next update!

So, what's going on at GRB headquarters?  I've been dipping my toe into the high seas of pocket PCs, that's what!  I really like my new laptop computer, but it's just too heavy to lug around with me to all my classes.  The solution?  A more compact Compaq... a truly palm-sized portable that I can stuff into my backpack with ease. 

I bought a bunch of these systems on eBay, hoping to find just the right one.  I regret to say that I struck out with the HP 620LX.  It's an early color handheld that looks like the dumpy love child of a PSP and a Nintendo DS, with some extra genetic material donated by a graphing calculator. 

The HP 620LX is functional, but only barely... it's got a sluggish processor, a screen that blurs at the slightest movement, and a touchscreen that's more adequately described as a smashscreen... you've got to nearly drive the blasted stylus through the display in order for your taps to register.

I know I can do better than this... and fortunately, I'll be granted that opportunity.  Over the next two weeks, I'll be getting an iPAQ and two NEC MobilePros.  The MobilePros have faster processors and higher-quality keyboards than Hewlett-Packard's dismal effort, but I think that I'll ultimately be most happy with the iPAQ.  Whatever happens, you can be sure that I'll keep you informed.

9/10/06

Just found this sign on the edge of town.  Wow... who knew music stores like this one would take the popularity of Red Octane's rhythm game so personally?

9/06/06

I usually don't post comics on the site these days... after all, I have an art gallery for that sort of thing.    However, in light of recent events, this Zoo Logic strip from 2003 seemed appropriate...

Perhaps the most frustrating thing about Steve Irwin's death (aside from the likelihood that his old time slot will be filled by yet another excruciating hour of The Planet's Funniest Animals) is that there are already rumors of a Australian backlash against stingrays.  If this is in fact true, those involved should be ashamed of themselves!  Nobody with half a brain could blame the fish for defending itself against what it thought was a predator.  The late Crocodile Hunter knew better than anyone else how a wild animal reacts to danger, and I can tell you with absolute certainty that he wouldn't have held such a childish grudge against the ray if he had survived the encounter.

I guess I just have trouble understanding the thought process that labels lions as monsters for defending their territory, bears as monsters for defending their cubs, and stingrays as monsters for defending themselves, but lets humans slaughter all of these creatures without even a hint of remorse.

All right, now on to the video games!  Here's what I've been playing in the past week...

BURNOUT REVENGE:  You know, I'm still not sure why I bought this for the Xbox 360.  I considered the Xbox version of the game a crushing disappointment, and expected Electronic Arts to half-ass this port to a next-generation system, as they had with nearly all of their sports titles.  Fortunately, Criterion understands what everyone else at EA doesn't... when you pay $400 for a cutting edge console with all the bells and whistles, you want those bells ringing and whistles blowing at maximum volume. 

Burnout Revenge fixes only a few of the critical flaws in the Xbox release... the visuals are still too dark and the developers have done nothing to achieve a proper balance between skill and reckless driving.  So essentially, you're getting the same game... yet it seems so much bigger and better than before thanks to the turbocharged audiovisuals.  Collisions fill the screen with photorealistic debris and the room with thunderous explosions, making you feel like you're really there!  Better bring along a helmet!

SHADOW OF THE COLOSSUS:  The best part of this award-winning action game is that it grants the player more freedom than its predecessor Ico.  You're not dragging around an autistic girl who's constantly pursued by demons, and you're not forced to navigate through the cramped remains of a crumbling castle... instead, you're granted total freedom as you hunt for monsters in a vast landscape dotted with hills, mountains, and towering monoliths.  Actually, those wide open spaces might be a little too wide and open for their own good.  You wouldn't think it would take a half hour to track down a beast that stands over fifty feet fall, but thanks to the seemingly endless environment, it often does.  At least you're rewarded for your effort with breathtaking boss battles!

ULTIMATE GHOULS 'N GHOSTS:  Ratings of this game on web sites and magazines have been relatively high, with 1UP's Jeremy Parish being the only reviewer to bring down Metacritic's average.  Jeremy may be the sole voice of dissent among professional game reviewers, but he's also the sole voice of reason.  The game looks fantastic, and the level design is surprisingly complex considering the series' arcade heritage.  There's a hidden surprise tucked inside every nook and cranny, but gathering all this treasure isn't as fun as you might think.  In fact, the enjoyment vanishes completely once you've finished the first stage.  Sorry Capcom, but sturdier armor doesn't make up for the game's aggravating combination of overactive enemy spawn points and instantly fatal traps.  What is this, Ultimate Tiger Road?

9/01/06

ONE STEP FORWARD, TWO STEPS BACK: Xbox 360 owners rejoice! Your favorite next gen system is now backward compatible with such Xbox classics as Aquaman, Catwoman, and Digimon Rumble Arena 2! Hey, wait a minute! Those aren't classics at all! Well, if it's any consolation, you can save yourself the cost of a few Xbox Live Arcade downloads by playing Namco Museum 50th Anniversary on your Xbox 360 instead. · · · WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET: Contrary to what you've heard on a number of gaming blogs and web sites, there will not be a redesign of the PSP hardware. That's the official word from a representative at Sony. However, when you consider that the system has just been hacked for what seems like the seventy-eighth time, Kutaragi and company might want to at least give a new design some thought. · · · DS D-STROYS THE COMPETITION: Well, in Japan, anyway. Since the release of the DS Lite, the handheld has consistently outsold every other console in the land of the rising sun. Now there's more good news for Nintendo... according to a chart compiled by Media Create Sales, all ten of Japan's best-selling games in the last week of August was released exclusively for the Nintendo DS! · · ·

I'm still playing Dance Dance Revolution on a daily basis... and after nearly three weeks of cutting the plastic rug, I'm starting to feel the benefits.  My leg muscles have become stronger and firmer, and my coordination has noticably improved.  I'm not quite skilled enough to advance to the Medium level yet, but I've finished many of the Light tracks, earning As and even AAs on several of them. 

Most importantly, I'm having fun.  Dance Dance Revolution Extreme is one of the smartest gaming purchases I've made this year... it's more user-friendly than DDRMAX, and it offers a sense of accomplishment that I just can't get from any of the other titles in my current gen collection.  That's saying a lot when I've got a combined total of over one hundred Playstation 2, Xbox, and GameCube games!

So, what else happened during my week-long absence?  Well, I dropped by the local Wal-Mart to pick up a quart of evil (they've always got it in stock!  Always!), and took a detour through the electronics department.  While checking out the prices in the television aisle, I was bitten by the high-def bug... hell, the damn thing clamped onto the back of my neck with its sharp, crystal-clear pincers and wouldn't let go! 

I've never felt that strongly about high-definition television before.  Then again, I've never found a high-def set that retailed for under three hundred dollars, either.  When you throw in the fact that my current television takes forever to warm up and is probably on the verge of death, the upgrade to high-def has never made more sense.

I thought long and hard about a purchase, but was rescued at the last minute by my common sense.  He apologized for being gone when I bought that laptop last week, then explained to me that if I was going to buy a high-def set, I should take my time and do it right.  Why spend a fistful of C-notes on a cheap Wal-Mart TV when a little more money and a few hours of research would net me a much better product?

The next television I buy will almost certainly be a high-def set.  It will not only prepare me for the FCC mandate in 2009, but will improve my gaming experience right away.  However, I've got plenty of time to decide which television is right for me.  It's not a purchase I need to make right this minute... well, unless the Sanyo finally dies on me, anyway.