7/22/06

Before I begin, I'd like to share this clip with you.  It's the only Macintosh commercial you'll ever need.

All right, now down to business.  I haven't been keeping up with the latest console games (mostly because I haven't been able to afford them!), so I've been playing catch up with the underground scene... those homebrew and emulator releases that I've neglected for the past couple of months.

Perhaps the most surprising of these releases was MAME4ALL.  Past attempts to bring the all-purpose arcade emulator to game consoles were miserable failures... up to this point, there wasn't a single port of MAME on the Dreamcast or PSP that was worth more than five minutes of my time.  However, all that changed with MAME4ALL.  Even on the aging Dreamcast, it's very impressive.  The interface makes starting games painless (although it's a bit more complicated getting OUT of them), and the emulation of 8-bit classics like Donkey Kong and Pac-Man is nearly airtight. 

You only start to see the emulator's full potential when you play it on a more powerful system, like the Gizmondo.  Wait, did I just say that the GIZMONDO had more muscle than the Dreamcast?  I think I'm gonna be sick.  Before I grab that barf bag, let me just say that this version of MAME4ALL is easier to use, and runs even Capcom's visually intense coin-ops from the late 1980's at full speed.  There's only one thing missing... accurate sound emulation.  There is sound here, but the scratchiness and constant pauses make you think that Beavis and Butthead are hovering over your shoulder, beatboxing to the onscreen action.  It's a sensation that's every bit as uncomfortable as it sounds.

The poor sound quality, and the unlikelihood that this issue will ever be fixed on a system as esoteric as the Gizmondo, has got me desperate for one of two things.  I'm hoping that someone will either crack the PSP's latest firmware update, or that I'll be able to afford a GP2X in the near future.  I had a PSP reserved especially for homebrew gaming, but was forced to sell it to pay for my Xbox 360.  Oblivion, bless its delicious cream-filled heart, has made that a decision I do not regret. 

What I am a little embarassed about is updating my second PSP with the latest firmware.  If I'd kept the system at 2.60, I could have used the downgrader to bring it back down to a homebrew-friendly 1.50, but noooo, I had to head straight to 2.70 to get the Flash support... "support" that turns the average episode of Homestar Runner into a slideshow.

I could buy another PSP when I have the cash for it, but why?  I'd rather sink my teeth into that Korean handheld that's become the homebrew community's new darling.  The thought of buying Swap Meet Louie (and for two hundred dollars, no less!) makes me a little apprehensive, but reviews of the GP2X suggest that it's better suited to old-school gaming than the blur-riffic PSP, despite a lower clock speed.

I'd take a chance with the system, but my current financial situation (read: I'm broke) prevents me from doing that.  Say, would anyone out there be willing to trade their GP2X for my Neo-Geo?  It's barely used... and I mean that.

7/19/06

EDITOR'S NOTE:  I've given some consideration to starting a GRB podcast.  However, filling in for Chris Larson on the Stage Select news cast has made it clear that I get a serious case of the umms and ahhs when I'm not working from a script.  On top of that, I wanted to offer something different from all the other gaming sites out there.  So here it is... the GRB Talkcast!  It's a spoken transcript of the latest site update, which should add a touch of spice to the commentary and let sight impaired readers get the most out of the Blitz, without cranking up the font size.

One of the editors of Gameworld Network sees a grim future ahead for the PSP.  I don't share that vision... in fact, I stand by my opinion that the system's sales will only improve once the Playstation 3 hits the market with a resounding thud.  At nearly one third the price of Sony's latest console, the PSP will be the only way for most gamers to afford the latest installments of Ratchet & Clank, God of War, and Gran Tourismo.  Hey, I imagine it'll be released for the system someday!

However, I do agree that the immediate future will be rough for the PSP... and Sony's doing very little to alleviate the problem.  In response to the news that major retail chains will no longer carry UMD movies, Sony's done the most stupid thing imaginable by selling them on memory sticks instead.  Memory sticks are even more expensive than UMDs, and anyone with even a sliver of experience with computers can transfer their favorite DVDs to ordinary memory sticks, saving themselves a ton of money in the process.

It's like Sony is trying to sell gallons of milk to people who already have the cow at home.  The PSP was specifically designed so that you don't need to buy movies you already own... you can take your film collection with you, with just a little work and a reasonably sized memory stick.  They've got to realize this... hell, they MADE the damn thing in the first place!  Yet Sony insists on selling films over the counter for the PSP. 

However, Sony still has room to make a few mistakes.  After all, Sega was able to get away with the Sega CD before they pressed their luck with the 32X.  I doubt anyone's still upset over that dumb card reader Nintendo released for the Game Boy Advance, or SNK's failed attempt to step into the 21st century with the Hyper Neo-Geo 64.  With this in mind, it's clear that Sony has plenty of time to get its act together.  It all depends on how many slaps to the back of the head it will take before the company pulls the reigns on Ken Kutaragi and takes the Playstation brand name in the right direction.

7/17/06

Today's editorial has been brought to you by John Roche, a long-time contributor to the site.  Feel free to contact him about at john.boyce.roche@gmail.com if you have any questions or comments.  John welcomes all feedback, but can't guarantee responses to every letter he receives.

7/12/06

Recently, I was reading a thread on another forum about Sega's unfortunate Shadow the Hedgehog.  It didn't take long for the topic to shift to a more broad discussion of Sonic the Hedgehog's steady decline over the past fifteen years.

The decision to introduce new play mechanics with a Sonic stand-in is typical Sega behavior... cowardly and indecisive.  Rather than hiding behind a horde of homogenized hedgehogs, the developers should show enough confidence in their ideas to give them to Sonic himself, like what Nintendo has done in the past with Mario.  If Sega continues to cough up second-rate characters like Silver and Shadow, it will only take three more games before Sonic The Hedgehog starts to look like an episode of The Smurfs.

7/10/06

I found this clip of the Japanese Dreamcast release Segaga over at Insert Credit.  In it, the hero battles a progression of increasingly powerful Sega game systems, from the lowly SG-1000 to the company's most popular Japanese console, the Saturn.  Now that's what I call must see TV!

In other news, it sounds like the rumored Microsoft Xboy is actually going to happen, except it's codenamed Argo and will offer games as a secondary feature (you know, just like the PSP!  Yes, I went there).  I wish I could say I had my doubts about this system, but if the Argo launches with Halo, you just know people are going to line up around the block for one.

And just what will the Argo look like?  It's entirely speculatory at this point, but here's one possible design...

7/5/06

Don't get me wrong, I really like Google.  However, I can't say I enjoyed their celebration of Independence Day.  The search engine's special 4th of July logo reminded me a little too much of that crappy NES game I made the mistake of renting fifteen years ago...

IGN recently published a list of the all-time worst arcade translations, which has come under fire by some video game enthusiasts.  One of those enthusiasts just happens to be me.  I haven't seen a feature this critically flawed since, well, the LAST one IGN published! 

However, instead of just sitting here and bitching about it, I'm going to make things right by offering my own list of lousy coin-op conversions.  And awaaaay we go!

STREET FIGHTER II
GameBoy

Some systems just aren't suited to reproducing the latest and greatest arcade titles.  The GameBoy scaled the very top of the mountain of wimpy consoles the minute it was released, but that didn't stop Capcom and Nintendo from making a GameBoy adaptation of Street Fighter II.  After all, the game was as popular in the early 1990's as it was resource hungry, and the two companies couldn't pass up a chance at milking the cash cow for a few extra bucks.  Since Nintendo and Capcom were more concerned with making money than making an advanced fighting game fit into the cramped confines of an underpowered handheld, Street Fighter II turned out the only way it could have on the GameBoy... poorly.  Frankly, those Hong Kong pirates with three dozen palette-swapped characters play a better game of Street Fighter than this.

MORTAL KOMBAT
Sega CD

People were so spellbound by the gorier warriors in Mortal Kombat that they didn't even notice the mediocrity under the thick coat of blood.  That goes double for the sad Genesis version of the game, and triple for its kid brother on the Sega CD.  In an interview with Electronic Games magazine, the incompetant dopes at Probe Software were quick to dispel rumors that the Sega CD version of Mortal Kombat would be a quantum leap ahead of its Genesis counterpart.  Once the game was released, it became obvious why.  Probe just took the Genesis version, complete with its supermodel-thin characters, limited color depth, and laughably anticlimactic fatalities, and threw in some redbook audio, a commercial, and oh yeah... game-killing bugs that put the Sega CD on ice in the middle of a match.  Wow, it's the first version of Mortal Kombat that actually performs a finishing move on your game system!

RAIDEN TRAD
Super NES

Hey, Electrobrain!  Don't you mean Raiden TRASH?  Oh yes, I'm so very clever.  But seriously ladies and germs, this game brought to mind painful memories of the early days of the NES, when nearly every third-party title felt third-rate.  It's not a coincidence, because Raiden Trad was developed by Micronics, those numbskulls responsible for unspeakable 8-bit horrors like Super Pitfall, Winter Games, and Hydlide.  The 16-bit power of the Super NES broadened Micronics' horizons slightly, but all the cutting edge hardware in the world couldn't rescue them from their own stunted development as game designers.  With its dull color palette and choppy scrolling, Raiden Trad looks like the kind of game Micronics should have released on the NES in 1988.

BERZERK
Vectrex

It just goes to show how desperate Vectrex fans were for games when this atrocity is frequently listed as one of their favorite titles.  Berzerk isn't just a bad conversion of the influential Stern coin-op... it's barely passable as a game, falling to pieces ten minutes after you start it.  Once the score starts glitching, you know a crash is just around the corner.  "But what makes the game an awful arcade port," you ask?  What, having your game freeze up after twelve rounds isn't enough for you?  Well, how's this?  There's flicker galore, the gameplay slows to a crawl when there are a lot of onscreen enemies, and oh yeah... remember how cool Evil Otto's voice was in the arcade game?  Well, I hope you do, 'cuz you won't be hearing it here!

GORF
ColecoVision

Like a pack of cigarettes (and just as toxic!), this game should have came with a Surgeon General's warning.  The label would read, "Any resemblence to the arcade version of Gorf is purely coincidential."  You'd be hard pressed to find any similarities between this mistranslated mess and the intense Midway shooter that flirted so daringly with copyright infringement.  Let's forget for a minute that the ColecoVision port of Gorf is missing the Galaxians stage and all that charmingly ridiculous voice synthesis... after all, most of the other versions didn't have those features, either.  What's really important here is that everything else has changed, and not for the better.  Every stage is pitch black, the new enemies come in one flavor (extra chunky), there's a bewilderingly cheerful new soundtrack, and it looks like the Gorfian empire stopped building the flagship days before it was actually finished.

TIME KILLERS
Genesis

Forget for a minute that the arcade game was already incredibly crappy.  When it comes to fighting game failures, it's the student that outsucks the master.  In fact, Time Killers on the Genesis gave arcade-goers a whole new appreciation for the time-hopping, limb-chopping, anything-but-chart-topping arcade title by Strata.  The Genesis game was developed by T*HQ, which at the time mistook the term "quality control" for "quality prevention."  Their low-to-the-floor standards were illustrated by Time Killers' garish color scheme, unreliable control (with or without a six button controller) and a cast of characters so tiny, you half expect to find a free magnifying glass in the box.  Time Killers was delayed for two years before it finally found its way to the Genesis.  It's a safe bet that gamers would have been happy waiting another twenty or thirty.

SAMURAI SHODOWN 3
Playstation

You wanna know what gave the Playstation such a terrible reputation as a 2D game console?  The answer is as close as the nearest copy of Samurai Shodown 3.  The game was already a pretty big letdown after the lofty peak of Samurai Shodown 2... the last thing it needed was for its animation to be sliced in half, yet that's exactly what happened when it was ported to the Playstation in 1996.  And oh yeah, we can't forget about those lovely access times!  They're more tolerable than what you'd find on the Neo-Geo CD, but SNK should have been aiming a whole lot higher than that!  Between Samurai Shodown 3, Darkstalkers, and X-Men vs. Street Fighter, it's no wonder it took years of atonement for the Playstation to redeem itself in the eyes of old-school fighting game fans.

HARD DRIVIN'
Atari Lynx

Hard Drivin' is many things... groundbreaking, innovative, daring, and cutting edge.  One thing it isn't is easily ported to home game systems.  Over fifteen years after its arcade debut, developers still haven't brought Hard Drivin' to home consoles without crashing into technological limitations.  Regardless of the system, you could always count on Hard Drivin' having a low frame rate and the slowest driving action this side of Roseanne Barr on a Hoveround.  However, the Atari Lynx threw in a few more unwelcome surprises, including a convoluted control scheme and the system's chunky resolution.  Next to the sharply rendered polygons of the arcade game, the Lynx version of Hard Drivin' looks like it was pulled straight from the stone age.  Take Fred Flintstone's advice and yabba-dabba-don't.

PIT FIGHTER
Super NES

This isn't a game.  It's more like the framework of a game, ripped from the developers' hands and put on store shelves before they could advance to the beta stage of its design.  In the past, underground writers were afraid to express such opinions, worried that they might step on T*HQ's delicate toes and risk legal threats from Nintendo (yes, this actually did happen once).  Now that the Super NES is dead and buried and nobody takes Nintendo's seal of quality (or cease and desist letters) seriously anymore, I'm free to shout Pit Fighter's inadequacies from the mountaintops.  The game's got scrawny characters, jerky animation, missing cinema scenes, and you can't even continue after you die.  Not that you'd want to play it past the first nigh-unbeatable opponent or anything.

PAC-MAN
practically everything

It's a sad irony that the most successful arcade game of all time would also be the most consistently ruined arcade conversion.  Pac-Man has disappointed gamers from the day he arrived on the Atari 2600 to his debut on 21st century consoles like the Playstation 2 and GameCube.  Atari's game, with its seizure-inducing flicker and a fitting brown and yellow color scheme, is the best remembered and least enjoyed of the lot.  But what about the dark, drab NES version of Pac-Man by Tengen?  Or the Atari Lynx adaptation of Ms. Pac-Man, with characters that look like single-cell organisms?  Or the surprisingly inferior conversions included in Namco Museum for the Nintendo 64 and Dreamcast?  Yes, the Dreamcast.  If you can't make a picture-perfect port of Pac-Man on the Dreamcast, you're doing something seriously wrong.