5/30/07

I've been struggling for a way to say this... but since Parish already did it for me with his usual eloquence, I'll just dispense with the pleasantries and tell the so-called "hardcore" gamers out there that they're being dicks.  For that matter, so are the analysts, but I doubt that's news to anyone.

They're all gnashing their teeth and rending their garments, lamenting that the Nintendo Wii will be the end of gaming as they know it.  "The hardware won't be powerful enough to handle the industry's latest innovations!," they shout, while clinging to their copies of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and Halo 2.  "All we're getting on the Wii are mini-games!," they squeal, while conveniently forgetting Konami releases like Elebits, Kororinpa, and the upcoming Dewy's Adventure.  And when all these arguments don't grant them the comfort they desperately seek, they offer themselves false assurance.  "Oh, the Wii's just a fad anyway... all of MY friends have stopped playing it!," they boast, ignoring that the system still outsells the Playstation 3 two to one and that stores are still having trouble keeping units on shelves.

Why does the Wii strike so much fear into the hearts of these individuals?  I just told you... because they're dicks!  Specifically, they're selfish dicks.  The "hardcore" gamers who never picked up a controller in their lives prior to the release of the Playstation have gotten used to the industry catering to their every whim... at the expense of everyone else.  For the past twelve years, Sony has actively discouraged the development of 2D games, opting instead to promote the latest pop culture trends and the most retread of sequels.

Thanks to the popularity of the Wii, there's a possibility that another game company will be in the driver's seat of the industry... and the "hardcore" gamers are in a panic, acting as though the apocalypse is upon them.  It doesn't help to remind the Haloites, the Thefties, and the Madden-men that the companies which have historically serviced them (in that "oldest profession in the world" sense) will remain open for business.  They'll just throw themselves on the floor and pound their fists until the entire industry gives them exactly what they want, when they want it, regardless of who gets shut out.

Well, since they're so unwilling to share, maybe it's time the dicks get a taste of their own medicine.  The more experienced gamers, those of us who've been around since the Atari days, have been left out in the cold for over a decade thanks to the tunnel vision of companies like Sony and Microsoft.  Nintendo wants to expand that focus beyond the "hardcore" gamers to those of us who have been forgotten by the rest of the industry... and normally, that would be enough to satisfy me.  But since the dicks are so intent on keeping the hobby exclusively to themselves, that's no longer enough.  

I want Nintendo to forget about the "hardcore" gamers entirely and work harder to win back those of us who were alienated from the industry.  I want more mini-game collections, more brain-sharpening exercises, more pet simulations, and dare I say it?  Yes, even more Pokemon sequels.  I want Microsoft and Sony to follow the big N's lead in a desperate attempt to catch up to their competition.  I want the dicks to watch helplessly as all their favorite franchises wither and die, just like Sonic and Mega Man and Street Fighter and all the other classics that suffered an agonizing demise after the Playstation 2 was released.

In short, I want it all.

ILL-ANNOYANCE: When you're governor Rod Blagojevich, there's no price too high to keep those nasty video games out of the hands of kids... even if it means cheating your other constituents out of important government services. Blagojevich used a million dollars earmarked for health care and economic development to revive an anti-gaming bill that was already ruled unconstitutional by a federal court, proving that it's not video games that present a danger to Americans, but the politicians they elect. - - - THE ART OF FRIGHTENING: Electronic Arts chairman Bing Gordon raised some eyebrows in an interview with Gamasutra, when he asserted that "everyone is for sale" and that "the thing about acquisitions is that the only time it works is if you've got an intellectual property that can succeed without the people." Gordon followed up this provocative response by giving a Nazi salute, sacrificing a small child to Cthulhu, then biting the neck of the interviewer for his sweet, lifegiving blood. - - - DOC KAWASHIMA TO THE RESCUE!: Gamers who weren't grooving with the mustached blob in Big Brain Academy will be ecstatic to know that Japanese neurologist Ryuta Kawashima and his big-ass head will be making a comeback in the true sequel to Brain Age, coming to the Nintendo DS at the end of the year. Kawashima will be bringing a handful of new mini-games along with him, as well as handwriting recognition that's even better than it was in the first game. However, there's still no news on whether or not Kawashima will understand the word "blue." - - -

5/26/07

You're going to hear a lot of alarmist warnings from internet pundits about Odin Sphere and its importance to the continued development of 2D games.  They'll tell you that this could be the last one you'll ever see on a home console, and that if you don't purchase it, developers like Atlus will never take another chance on a side-scrolling action game again.

It's tempting to buy into the fear-mongering if you're an old-school gamer, but don't take the bait.  Regardless of your motivation for doing so, Odin Sphere is NOT the kind of game you want to blindly purchase.  With so many flaws in its design, it doesn't deserve your forty dollars simply because it's the last of a dying breed.

Odin Sphere's first major flaw is that the fighting is slightly awkward and very limited.  By now, we're all tired of turn-based combat, and Odin Sphere deserves some credit for distancing itself from those boring battles with fast-paced, side-scrolling swordplay that borrows heavily from Capcom classics like Street Fighter II and Strider. 

However, you'll start to notice after the first few fights that you're not given many options while locked in combat.  There's only one attack button, and it's limited to elaborate, long-winded strikes that do less damage than expected and leave the player wide open to retaliation.  This isn't a problem when taking on a single soldier, but it's a lot harder to accept in a battle royale against a pack of crazed Vikings bent on earning a one-way trip to Valhalla.

Items and magic do add some variety to the fights, but both require you to stand still and pause the action before they can be accessed.  You can't bust out your best moves with a handy controller motion like you could in Guardian Heroes or Castlevania: Symphony of the Night... you've got to freeze the action and choose them from a menu, defeating the purpose of real-time combat.

Strike two comes from the jaw-droppingly cheap bosses, which will use every trick in the book and then some to empty your health bar in the blink of an eye.  The dragon Belial is especially obnoxious, gobbling up a squadron of your comrades and turning their vacant armor into lethal projectiles. 

As he fills the screen with leg braces, boots, and chestplates, you'll also have to contend with wave after wave of hostile reinforcements, taking potshots from the distant edges of the playfield.  Try to kill the fairies and you'll get clobbered with the rain of scrap metal.  Try to attack the dragon himself and you'll get swallowed for hefty damage.  Throw the disc against the wall and you're out forty dollars.

That brings us to the game's last, but perhaps most serious flaw.  When you've got a combat system that's woefully lacking in depth, what do you do?  If you're the developers at Vanillaware, you put that depth into everything BUT the fighting that needs it the most!  Ordinarily simple tasks like collecting experience points and buying items from shopkeepers is turned into needlessly obfuscated ordeals.  Why am I making change to buy things?  Why do I have to grow trees in the middle of a battle to restore my health?  Why am I even playing this when Oblivion offers dozens of fun things to do that DON'T seem like pointless busywork?

After playing Princess Crown on the Sega Saturn (essentially the same game with fewer dumb gimmicks but even clumsier combat), I should have known better than to buy Odin Sphere with nostalgia for a past era of gaming as my sole motivation.  However, you've got a chance to avoid repeating my mistake.  Don't give this one a free ride.  Rent Odin Sphere first, THEN purchase it only if you feel it's earned your money.

5/22/07

I'm breaking the weekly cycle of updates for this important (and completely puzzling) announcement...

5/21/07

Lately, it's been getting harder and harder to force myself to sit down and write.  Just finishing the end of year special was an epic struggle.  Needless to say, that doesn't bode well for the other features I planned for the site.  I've got to find a way to shake this funk!

Anyway, I just wanted to warn... tell... er, warn-tell you about Etrian Odyssey.  It's the latest role-playing game by Atlus, the company that's taken Working Designs' place as the king of making obscure Japanese titles relevant to an American audience.  However, there's not a lot of text here for Atlus to cleverly localize.  What Etrian offers instead are fifty layers of underground forest, packed with nasty monsters. 

The game's first-person perspective and character creation will remind older players of SirTech's Wizardry series.  However, there's a twist inspired by an even crustier computer game, Hunt The Wumpus.  Ludicrously powerful enemies called F.O.E.s roam each level, forcing the player to either sneak past them while their backs are turned or man up and challenge them to make progress. 

Every F.O.E. can (at least in theory) be defeated, but it's up to you if you want to take that risk.  Victory earns you a huge bounty of experience points and the satisfaction of bringing down a beast that would have torn a lesser band of adventurers to shreds.  Defeat costs you any progress you've made since the last time you saved the game... and with the only available save point being placed not-so-conveniently at the forest's entrance, that can be a lot of hard work down the drain.

So when I tell you to look out for Etrian Odyssey, you can interpret that in one of two ways.  If you don't have the patience for a game that puts you on a leash, then yanks it violently whenever you try to outpace it, then it's in your best interests to treat this one like cyanide-laced kryptonite.  If you're the easy-going type, and you don't feel threatened by any game you can't finish in less than a week, then Etrian Odyssey is worth a shot.

5/16/07

Boy, that sure took a while.  I hope it was worth the wait!  And by "it," I mean this...

It's going to take a lot of time and effort getting the site back in shape after three months of almost total dormancy... but I have a funny feeling that it's going to be a lot of fun doing it!