1/30/03

It bothered me enough that Ain't It Cool News, the silly, self-absorbed film review site edited by Harry Knowles, was getting more visitors per minute than The Gameroom Blitz does in an entire day.  It's even worse that they'll be in direct competition with video game sites like this one soon.  As you may have read on Penny Arcade, Knowles plans to launch Ain't It Cool Games, which in all likelihood will be every bit as lousy as the site that made him famous. 

Knowles plans to use "industry spies" to uncover information about games still in development, a technique that helped give the otherwise abysmal Ain't It Cool News an edge over other film review sites.  Fortunately, a particularly sharp poster on the Toastyfrog message boards pointed out that Japanese game designers have a little more dignity than conceited film directors like Kevin Smith, and aren't nearly as likely to share inside information about their projects after getting their egos massaged by Knowles' army of zit faced nerds.  Heck, those designers may not want to talk to them at all!  I suspect that Ain't It Cool Games will be finished shortly after they print this "revealing interview" with Shigeru Miyamoto:

"Wow, Mr. Miyamoto, we really, really, REALLY love your work!  So, is it true that Luigi will be a playable character in Super Mario 128?  You can tell your biggest fans, right?"
"Go away, you pathetic little dorks."
"Uh, OK."

1/27/03

Blarrgh... I'm sorry this update is so late.  I couldn't even get the Zoo Logic comic finished in time, but at least I managed to scrounge up a review for Fighter's Misery.  Namco's made some lousy fighting games in the past, but this one is so bad that it'll actually make you GRATEFUL for Tekken.  I mean, at least Tekken inspired the outstanding Soul Calibur and its sequel.  I can't imagine anything good coming out of Knuckle Heads, except the few quarters gamers foolishly dropped into the arcade game when it was first released.  Even those are so tainted with its failure that they may as well be sent back to the U.S. Mint for a refund.

By the way, it's worth mentioning that the latest MAME build takes a lot less time to load than the previous one released two weeks ago.  I guess I wasn't the only one that found the six second wait just a little irritating.

1/24/03

Aw, crap, I missed a day.

Have you visited Atari Age lately?  You'd be surprised at what programmers have been able to squeeze out of the 2600 hardware.  It's over twenty five years old, yet it's kicking out incredible techno soundtracks (courtesy of Paul Slocum) and rendered full motion video clips (courtesy of QB creator Andrew Davies).  Both programmers are designing games as well... Slocum's already finished a Super Monkey Ball derivitive called Marble Craze, and Davies is planning a fighting game that's already in the running as the best of its kind on the 2600.

It's really exciting, yet a bit frustrating too, because I'd like to be able to work this kind of magic on classic game systems.  Sadly, I have a tough enough time just making hacks of previously existing 2600 games... actually designing them is a bit past my scope.

1/22/03

I want to apologize to everyone who hasn't received an E-mail from me in a while.  I haven't been especially active or social in the past few months, but I'm starting to understand things about myself that didn't make sense to me before, and I think I'll be able to better accommodate my readers and the online gaming community as a whole now that I'm on this road to self-discovery.

1/21/03

Sorry I waited so long to do this, but I've finally refreshed the Fire Sale page.  Most of the items are gone or reserved now, and once the currently pending orders are completed I'll probably close up shop.  I'd like to thank everyone who participated... the sale may be over soon, but The Gameroom Blitz will remain thanks to your support.

1/20/03

I thought I'd never have to make this complaint again after I upgraded my computer, but after downloading the newest version of MAME, I'm gonna say it one more time... the stupid emulator is WAY TOO SLOW.  I'm forced to wait six seconds before it'll start, and even your ordinary average 2D fighting game has frame rate issues and echoing voices.  This mediocre performance, by the way, is on a 1.0 gig Duron processor with 512 megs of RAM and a 64 meg video card.  Those aren't amazing specifications by today's standards, but come on, it should be more than enough to play Street Fighter the fricking movie.

More than ever, I'm convinced that the designers are wasting system resources with inefficient code and support for games nobody wants to play.  I can think of a pretty easy way to trim some of that fat MAME's put on its waistline over the years... just take all the cheesy strip Mahjong and Shanghai titles and move them to their own MAME build.  After all, nobody really wants them.  Hell, nobody even knows how to play them!  The few who do can get all the Mahjong (and everything else) they want just by downloading PornMAME.  That way, those of us who want to play REAL video games can do it without having to wait a decade for them to load.

1/18/03

Whoa, whoa, whoa... what the heck is John Roche's review doing with my name on it?  Rest assured that I've taken care of this nasty little editing problem, and that John has been given the credit he deserves for his work.

Now it's time for some fun... are you ready to play Something Awful mad libs?  It's really easy... simply take the paragraph below, add the words listed in parentheses, and you've got yourself your very own Something Awful web site review, just the way the pros do it!  You're encouraged to be as uncreative as possible, because it just wouldn't be an Awful Link of the Day article if it you used your imagination to write it.  And once you're done there, you can have even more fun by sabotaging the server that hosts the web site you just insulted!

AWFUL LINK OF THE DAY

(insert web site that isn't really awful here)

Well, look at this... it's yet another (furry/goth/conspiracy theorist/webcomic) page!  I tell you, you just can't get enough of these, especially when they're as (write the slander of your choice) and (add another libelous comment here) as this one.  I have seen so many of these (furry/goth/conspiracy theorist/webcomic) sites in my life, but it never gets boring to write about how much I (synonym for contempt) them!  Well, boring for YOU, maybe, but not for me!  Anyways, I would rather (insert horrible torture you'd love to see inflicted upon Rich Kyanka) than to ever visit this (furry/goth/conspiracy theorist/webcomic) site again.  In fact, I wish the all editors of these web sites would just (insert lame insult that was probably dug out of Seanbaby's garbage can), so I would never have to read them again!  You would be (adjective that best describes a Something Awful reader) to visit (insert web site that really isn't awful here), but I'm going to post the URL here anyway in the hopes that you'll either overwhelm it with site traffic or find some other way to destroy it!

(insert name of Something Awful contributor that sleeps with Rich Kyanka; either Emily or Zach will do)

1/16/03

All right, so yesterday's update was a bit of a cop out.  Hopefully, this one will make up for it.  I've added two of John Roche's Game Boy Advance reviews today.  Don't worry, Phil... your review of Otogi for the XBox will cap off the week.

I guess the hot button issues right now are Soul Calibur II and Penny Arcade, so I'll briefly discuss both.  I'd just like to know why everybody on the planet threw a fit about the new art style Gabe experimented with a couple of weeks ago.  I thought the slightly sketchy but richly colored comics looked fantastic, and if the editors of Penny Arcade had switched to that format, I wouldn't have objected to the decision.  Perhaps everyone else would rather have cold comfort than change, but come on, it isn't like this is the first time Penny Arcade's been redesigned.  That redesign, by the way, led to the comic looking a whole lot better than it did when it first started.  Everyone needs to drop the pitchforks and torches and just let the site evolve as its creators have intended.

Speaking of web comics, have you checked out VG.Cats lately?  It's really good this week.

It looks like Link won't be the only exclusive character in Namco's sequel to its incredible Dreamcast fighter Soul Calibur.  Regardless of the system they own, everyone's going to get an extra incentive to take up arms and head into battle.  Link is the most appealing of these new characters (even with an incredibly short skirt that leaves precious little to the imagination... brr...), but Spawn and Heihachi are pretty good consolation prizes if you don't own a GameCube.  I just hope Todd McFarlane's deadly touch doesn't affect Soul Calibur II the way it has every other video game he's helped create.  Remember, he not only has three mediocre Spawn titles under his belt, but was a creative consultant on the wimpy XBox platformer Shrek as well.

Ever get that feeling that you're running on bullet time?  I just woke up and am listening to a Journey song on the radio that sounds like it's been drastically slowed down.  Now if it were sped up, that would make more sense... that's what they've done to films on television to squeeze in more commercials.  I can't imagine why anyone would slow down their tunes, though, leading me to believe that I'm the one who needs a speed adjustment.

1/15/03

(Jess crawls to the keyboard after getting home from work, looking like hell and feeling like crap)

bv ,n   vnb b nl ,m

(Having completed his update for the day, Jess flashes a dazed yet triumphant smile.  He teeters a bit on his knees, then falls face forward to the ground)

EXTRA RANT: It might be time to dump what was one of my favorite holiday traditions... namely, watching Dick Clark's New Years special.  I don't remember it being this lame and pandering when I was a kid.  Maybe that's the problem... the show reflects the current trends of the year in which it takes place, and the past five years haven't been especially endearing to me.  It doesn't help that they've added Steve Douchie (er, close enough) to the annual celebration.  His jokes somehow manage to be both timely and stale all at once... now here's a guy who could give the the undisputed champion of lame, Jay Leno, a run for his undeserved money.  Even the crowd in New York has lost their magic... last year, shortly after the 9/11 attack, Steve asked one of the New Yorkers who they'd first like to see in the new year.  The response was pretty obvious... Osama bin Ladin, so the guy would have the opportunity to kick the crap out of him.  Well, Steve tried to change the subject this year, asking a member of the crowd who they'd like to KISS once the ball dropped.  The answer, again, was Osama bin Ladin- the official numbskull of the new year later explained that it would be the last kiss Osama ever received.  What the hell...?!  Was he really so desperate to get on television and flex his proverbial muscles that he was willing to make a puzzling, vaguely homoerotic statement like that?  While this dimwit is burying his lips in Osama's thick, gnarled beard, I'll be kissing Dick Clark goodbye and warming up to the Red Green New Year's show instead.

1/14/03

Wicked, I'm two for two right now!  Just three more updates and I've met my goal for the week.

It's tough to decide whether I want to buy a Game Boy Advance SP or just invest that money into making my current Game Boy better.  The SP is a slick piece of technology; extremely small and convenient to carry, but that size could make it much less convenient to use.  The antiquated Nintendo crosspad's been made even crummier now that it's recessed, and the L and R buttons haven't been moved to the face of the unit as I hoped.  It does have a built in light, and the system now includes rechargable batteries that give you a reasonable amount of gaming mileage (hey, ten hours with lighting is a whole lot better than the Game Gear's three, or the Nomad's one), but I can't help but think that a better Game Boy Advance could be built by Frankensteining the original system.  Er, by "Frankensteining", I mean opening it up and swapping out parts, not tucking it between my thighs and dropping it to the floor in a sexually suggestive throw that instantly earns me thousands of horny fans and a film portrayal by Kylie Minogue.

1/13/03

Looks like I'm officially part of the Digital Press "dream team" of writers now.  Joe's shifted his attention from the print fanzine (delegating those responsibilities to Dave Giarrusio) to the web site, and he needs staff members to write new articles.  I just happened to be one of the folks he selected for the job, so you'll see my monthly column MAMExpose, along with the occasional game review, on the official Digital Press home page.

What will this mean for The Gameroom Blitz?  Actually, I'll be updating more, not less, because of it.  I'll need to write on a regular basis to keep Joe happy, and regular updates to The Gameroom Blitz will help keep me in that habit.  I can't make any promises, but I'm aiming to refresh the website five times a week, starting riiiight... now.  Thank goodness I have my own contributors... their reviews will help keep this site worth visiting on a daily basis.

Zoo Logic won't be updated nearly this much, but I'm going to experiment with the format a little, turning it into a combination furry/sprite comic.  Since my backgrounds are nothing to get excited about, I'll be, heh, "borrowing" some from a variety of video games and using them to add more detail to the strip. 

And while I'm teasing the corporate lion with my flagrant copyright violations, I may as well post these pictures from the 2600 version of Jungle King.  That's right, Jungle KING!  I've returned the famed lord of the apes to the game twenty years after Taito was forced to replace him with a Dr. Livingston clone.  Let's just see what Eddie Burroughs and his army of Tharks thinks of THAT!

1/6/03

You know what really sucks?  Tendenitis.  So does carpal tunnel syndrome.  I'm a little worried that I may have one or both, because my right hand is tingling like crazy, and it's been this way for an alarmingly long time.  I'll have to visit the doctor about it when I can afford it, but in the meantime, does anyone have any suggestions that would help keep the problem in check?  If you do, send them my way... I'd really appreciate it.

I'm kind of worried about this because it's my right hand we're talking about here.  In my line of work and with my hobbies, an ailment like carpal tunnel attacking your most used hand is a serious problem.  If I can't draw, can't type, and can't play video games, this site is dead in the water.  Luckily for me, the latest game I've received, the obscure RPG Shadow Hearts, doesn't require much in the way of fancy joypad work... I could play it with my left hand and a bloody stump if necessary.  I've written both a comic about and a review of Shadow Hearts in this update.

One more thing... I finally sent the profile questionnaires out to most of my contributors.  If you write for the site and didn't get one, let me know and I'll make sure you do.

1/2/03

It's the special Gameroom Blitz birthday update!  The birthday is mine, but the review on Fighter's Misery is for you.  There's a helpful file to go along with the article, too... it should take you straight to the last boss in the game.  That is, if you actually want to waste time playing it, and that's a little doubtful.

I've fixed a few of the problems with the new review page, too.  Some of the links didn't take you directly to the reviews, but that should no longer be an issue.

Guess that'll do it.  If any of you guys want to surprise me with, you know, guest art or something fun like that, I'd really appreciate the gesture.  Since my birthday also happens to be my first day back to work, and the day everyone decides to feed their Christmas trees into the nearest chipper-shredder, I could use the encouragement.