Hey, Everybody's Doing It!

THE GREAT (CERAMIC) WHITE HYPE

PLAYSTATION PORTABLE

Everyone expected Sony's PSP to dominate the handheld gaming market... and really, who could blame them? People had gotten used to Sony crushing its competitors with little more than a slick ad campaign and a few outrageous promises. That tactic worked well in the past, but it couldn't sell an overpriced, undersupported portable game system with everything its customers could possibly want... except video games.

PINCH THAT PENNY 'TIL LINCOLN BLEEDS

GAME BOY MICRO AT $59.95

Yeah, just keep telling yourself that you're not going to buy another Game Boy. Try to convince yourself that Nintendo's newest system is much too small to be practical. Even remind yourself over and over that it won't play Game Boy or Game Boy Color titles... it doesn't matter. You'll change your tune mighty quick when the price of the Game Boy Micro is nearly slashed in half by some online retailers. This was the best deal you could find in an already generous year filled with price cuts, clearance sales, and rebates.

LIKE LEMMINGS TO THE SEA

THE HANDHELD GAMING TREND

Every year, inexperienced and hopelessly optimistic hardware manufacturers make the mistake of challenging Nintendo's dominance of the handheld gaming market. Refusing to bow to common sense, terminally retarded companies like Tiger Telematics, iRiver, Amp'D Mobile, and Polaroid (POLAROID?!) continue to line up around the block for the chance to dive straight into the lion's mouth. What Nintendo can't digest is quickly cleaned up by Sony, whose PSP is the hands-down leader among interactive convergence devices. Some advice to these would-be competitors... you're only wasting valuable LCD displays that could be put in consoles people will actually BUY.

CURSE OF THE ANCIENTS

THE ATARI BRAND NAME

Like the Klotman diamond, or a scarab ring torn from the finger of a long-dead Egyptian pharoah, the Atari brand name is a cursed artifact that only brings misery to those who possess it. The company that once accounted for a quarter of Warner Bros.'s profits left the entertainment giant scrambling to get rid of it after one too many greedy business strategies. Since that time, Atari has stumbled through the video game industry like a zombie, feeding on the bank accounts of any company that dares get too close. Atari's latest victim is Infogrames... the French corporation has done more to make the brand name relevant to today's gamers than any of its past owners, but this effort has cost the company dearly in both lost licenses and profit.

SAME AS IT EVER WAS

RIDGE RACER 6

Could someone kindly tell me what the difference is between Ridge Racer 6 and the PSP game Namco released earlier last year? Sure, there are new tracks (somehow less appealing than the ones on the PSP thanks to sterile designs and the greyest color palette this side of a game.com), but the artistic direction is exactly the same, and so are those mindbending physics that leave you feeling like you're behind the wheel of a tank one minute and on the shoulders of an ice skater the next.

THE THING THAT WOULD NOT DIE

SEGA DREAMCAST

Don't call it a comeback... the Dreamcast has been here for years, despite Sega's best efforts. Although the notoriously fickle company had dropped its support for the system back in 2001, the Dreamcast still fights to stay alive, assisted by the occasional homebrew game (everything from Feet of Fury to Beats of Rage) and even a small handful of official releases (Puyo Pop Fever and Border Down). Even after the debut of the Xbox 360, there are STILL titles in development for the Dreamcast, including Milestone's cel-shaded Radilgy and the more promising G-Rev shooter Under Defeat. In an age of disposable technology, the Dreamcast's own stubborn refusal to accept defeat is what makes it truly remarkable.

SURPRISE OF THE CENTURY

RESIDENT EVIL 4

Never in a million years did I think that I would actually enjoy this. Although the game was hotly anticipated by critics from the moment it was announced, the same critics had also told me that the first Resident Evil was terrific. All the flaws in the game which seemed so obvious to me when it was first released (and to everyone else ten years later) had somehow escaped their notice. Fortunately, Capcom themselves realized the mistakes they'd made in past Resident Evil games, and addressed nearly all of them in the fourth release.

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND

GITAROO-MAN

Story-driven music games never had much of an audience in the United States. Parappa the Rapper was the most popular one of the bunch, and even that quickly lost its novelty value after Sony twisted the arm of developer Masaya Matsuura to cobble together a half-hearted sequel for the Playstation 2. Koei's Gitaroo-Man quickly followed Parappa 2 to the clearance bins, then vanished from stores entirely... until four years later, when GameStop just happened to stumble upon a bunch of spare copies. And right around the time the game was selling for eighty dollars a pop on eBay, too! Regardless of GameStop's suspicious timing, it's great to see the original guitar hero back for an encore after being dragged offstage prematurely during his first US appearance.

SOME DISENCHANTED EVENING

PAC-PIX

You'd think that after twenty years of crummy arcade translations, I'd know better than to approach a Pac-Man game with high expectations. That lesson still hasn't sunken in, though, as clearly evidenced by my purchase of the creative but ultimately unsatisfying Pac-Pix. It's exciting to watch your hasty scribbles come to life and sink their misshapen jaws into the monsters scurrying around the screen... but then you actually have to play the game. Pac-Pix's frustrating puzzles and counterintuitive handwriting recognition (who the hell draws arrows like that, anyway?) are sure to leave you with a case of buyer's remorse, and at least a couple of broken styluses.

GENRE-SPECIFIC GAME AWARDS

BEST ARCADE ACTION

GRADIUS V

Gradius V was released at the tail end of 2004, but technicalities like that are easy to ignore when you've got a game this great on your hands. You just won't find a better shooter on a current generation system... Treasure and Konami have made damned sure of this by taking the winning Gradius formula and pumping it up with astonishing polygonal graphics and the most sinister boss challenges ever experienced in a video game. Konami hasn't always had the best of luck updating its classic franchises, but they made all the right moves when designing Gradius V... including asking an old friend for help.

BEST ACTION-ADVENTURE

RESIDENT EVIL 4

Resident Evil 4 was everything the past games in the series weren't, but should have been. No longer are you trapped in a cramped mansion... this time, you have free run of an eerie European town crawling with hidden dangers. No longer will you be put at a disadvantage with stiff control and awkward camera angles... a new behind-the-back perspective and fully interactive polygonal environments give you the speed and accuracy you'll need to survive. Even the voice acting and dialogue have been upgraded from unintentionally hilarious to knowingly campy, the finishing touch that makes Resident Evil 4 more entertaining than the last three games combined!

BEST PLATFORMER

PSYCHONAUTS

Psychonauts earns the distinction of being the best 3D platformer you've already played. The core of the game is achingly familiar... you run from one end of the stage to the other, uncovering a wealth of hidden items while swatting away any creatures that happen to be guarding them. Never mind what your mother always told you, though! In Psychonauts' case, it's what's on the outside that counts. That includes the surreal artwork, a delightfully mad cast of characters, and ingenious levels set in such out of the way locations as a 1970's disco and a suburb under constant government surveillance.

BEST CLASSIC COLLECTION

CAPCOM CLASSICS COLLECTION

Age-old rivalries were reignited in 2005, with companies from Taito to Tecmo fighting tooth and nail to prove the superiority of their respective legacies. Many fantastic classic game compilations were released as a result of these ego-driven battles, making nostalgic gamers from around the globe the biggest winners. However, in the battle between the greatest software developers of the 1980's, Capcom was ultimately victorious with its Capcom Classics Collection. Take all five volumes of the Japanese Capcom Generations series, then throw in a clever menu screen straight out of the film Napoleon Dynamite, and you've got a totally awesome retro release that's long overdue but well worth the wait.

BEST RACING

BURNOUT LEGENDS

With the console versions of Burnout on their way downhill, Burnout Legends on the PSP is the only way to ride for fans of the early games in the series. Based on Burnout 3: Takedown, this welcome PSP release is just as fast and even more challenging than the game that inspired it, thanks to more aggressive computer opponents and the removal of those accursed multipliers in the crash events. Best of all, Burnout Legends trimmed away most of the fat in both Burnout 3 and its unfortunate sequel, leaving far less standing between you and the next exciting challenge.

BEST ROLE-PLAYING

PAPER MARIO: THE THOUSAND YEAR DOOR

This probably wasn't the best role-playing game released last year, but it was the best one I bothered to play. I'm not a huge fan of this genre... it's slow-paced and largely devoid of action. However, the Paper Mario series always manages to reel me in with a combination of hilarious dialogue and an involving combat system. In Paper Mario, selecting options in a menu is only half the battle... proper timing is required to ensure that every attack squarely hits its target. Paper Mario: The Thousand Year also brings character development to the table, finally giving you a valid reason to rescue Princess Peach from her captors.

BEST SPORTS

TONY HAWK'S AMERICAN SK8TELAND

Like Donkey Kong, Tony Hawk's still got it... and he doesn't have to throw barrels at surly arcade owners to prove his worth! The DS extension of the long-running series is loosely based on Tony Hawk's American Wasteland for the XBox, GameCube, and Playstation 2. However, it wisely chooses to tighten the focus on skating action, throwing out the sandbox gameplay of Grand Theft Auto (cat turds and all) and replacing it with smaller, more cleverly designed stages reminescent of the first three Tony Hawk games... you know, the FUN ones. Amazing cel-shaded graphics and DS-centric features like the ability to record your own voice make American Skateland the perfect example of how every Nintendo DS port SHOULD be done.

BEST DANCE / MUSIC

GUITAR HERO

This was not the first time a game like this was attempted, but it is the first time that it was done right. Konami's Guitar Freaks was never this intuitive, and its guitar controller never felt as comfortable as the one included with Guitar Hero. Konami's game showed no pity to beginners, but here, you can pick up the axe, play an easy song like Joan Jett's I Love Rock 'n Roll, and get every note right on your first try. Believe me, I know, because I've done it! However, other songs present a formidable challenge to even the best players, forcing them to use all five buttons on the controller at once. No matter how good you get at Guitar Heroes, you'll always have a reason to come back for an encore performance.

MOST HOTLY ANTICIPATED

FULL AUTO

I haven't been this excited about a playable demo in years! Heck, I haven't been this excited about a GAME in a long, long time. Full Auto is one of the rare Xbox 360 releases that truly demonstrates a need for next generation hardware, letting you tear apart not only your rivals but the whole damn playfield as you race. Nearly everything can be destroyed (either with weapons or the business end of your car), and the shortcuts you'll take through each track are through busy stores and on the roofs of casinos. It won't be released for another month, but Full Auto is almost certain to be the best racing game Sega's released since the first Crazy Taxi.

SYSTEM-SPECIFIC GAME AWARDS

BEST PLAYSTATION 2

GRADIUS V

Of all the Playstation 2 games I've played this year, Gradius V surprised and impressed me the most. It's surprising because it's the kind of game you just don't see enough of on this system (or any other, for that matter). It's impressive because Konami and Treasure went to great lengths to make it the best game in the history of an already outstanding series of shooters.

BEST XBOX

ODDWORLD: STRANGER'S WRATH

It's a platformer! It's a first-person shooter! It's a little of both, yet so much more. Oddworld: Stranger's Wrath dips in quality after the climax, when it transforms from a rootin', tootin', bounty shootin' Western into Lorne Lanning's usual granola-munching tale of environmental woe. Still, you'll get a lot of mileage out of the first half of the game (how could you NOT love blasting gangs of dusty bandits with exploding bats?), and even the second half makes it worth suffering through all the whininess.

BEST GAMECUBE

PAPER MARIO: THE THOUSAND YEAR DOOR

Sad but true... this year, players spent more time wiping the dust off their GameCubes than inserting games into it. If it hadn't been for Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door, the system may have wound up a doorstop in many households. Luckily for Nintendo, this lengthy, lighthearted adventure kept frustrated GameCube owners too busy to break out a hammer and treat the box of broken promises to the fate it probably deserves.

BEST PC
CAVE STORY

There is a second dimension, beyond that which is unknown to today's gamers. It is a dimension of humble sights and modest sounds, but of vast imagination. It is a wondrous land, living in the past but built in the future... lying between pits of deadly spikes and islands perched in the sky above. There is a door ahead. You unlock it with a key taken from a living suitcase. Beyond the opened portal lies a world of shadow and substance... of kidnapped rabbit people and the scientist holding them all hostage. Your next stop? The Doukotsu Monogatari Zone.

BEST NINTENDO DS
CASTLEVANIA: DAWN OF SORROW

As the saying goes, "It's always darkest before the dawn." Nintendo DS owners had to suffer through a drought of lackluster software for months after its release, while anyone with a PSP was living it up with polished sequels to Sony's most popular properties. Life was hard for Nintendo fans, but they always kept their eyes on the prize... namely, a DS-exclusive sequel to Castlevania that was announced just after the system was launched in the United States. Their patience was rewarded in a big way when Dawn of Sorrow was finally released in October. Even DS skeptics couldn't resist the siren's call of the game's outstanding visuals and massive levels.

BEST GAME BOY ADVANCE
GUNSTAR SUPER HEROES

Often rumored but never actually confirmed, Gunstar Super Heroes was finally announced for the Game Boy Advance early last year. Fans of the original had high hopes but even greater fears for the sequel; Treasure's last release for the Game Boy Advance proved that even it was not bulletproof as a game developer. To everyone's great relief, the mistakes Treasure had made with Advance Guardian Heroes were not repeated in Gunstar Super Heroes.

BEST PSP
BURNOUT LEGENDS

Grand Theft what now? Burnout Legends takes this award for not only being the best racing game on the PSP, but for dethroning all the other titles that were in the running for that honor. There were a lot of them, too... Need for Speed Underground: Rivals, Ridge Racer, Twisted Metal, and WipeOut Pure were all fantastic, but Burnout Legends tops them all with the most wreckless fun you can have in a car without raising your insurance premiums.

SYSTEM AWARDS

BEST CONSOLE
XBOX

This was my first year with an Xbox, and I must admit that it hasn't let me down so far. The system's powerful 733MHz processor practically guarantees that any cross-platform titles will be best on the Xbox, and the ability to create and replay MP3s lets players select their own soundtracks, rather than being at the mercy of whatever game developers choose for them. There have even been a few nifty Xbox exclusives, like Oddworld: Stranger's Wrath, Outrun 2, and Phantom Dust, along with all the software SNK wasn't allowed to release for the Playstation 2. Add the most complete online service of any console and a hard drive for painless game saves (and, heh... other things) and you've got a system that's hard to criticize.

WORST CONSOLE
GAMECUBE

Silly Nintendo, cowardly system abandonments are for Sega! The GameCube's fate was already set in stone before 2005 even began, but you'd think that Nintendo would have rewarded its fanbase for their ~~foolishness~~ loyalty by more aggressively pursuing third party support, or by releasing awesome system exclusives that would leave the owners of other consoles jealous. No dice on both counts.  The Cube's only killer app, Resident Evil 4, was eventually ported to the Playstation 2 (despite series creator Shinji Mikami's objections), and the long-awaited Zelda: Twilight Princess was delayed, probably for the sake of new, Revolution-exclusive features. A word of advice to Nintendo: you'd better show some backbone in the next console wars, or the Revolution won't be televised for long.

BEST HANDHELD
NINTENDO DS

During the first half of the year, it seemed as though this award was going to that brash young upstart, the PSP. Not only is it a more powerful and versatile system than the Nintendo DS, it just had better launch titles, including near-console quality sequels to WipeOut and Ridge Racer. It seemed that the PSP would be the system of choice for discriminating gamers on the go, but then things changed. It started out slowly enough with the release of Meteos and Yoshi's Touch and Go, but as the months passed, the games continued to grow in both quality and quantity.  By the end of the year, DS owners were finally happy with their purchase... and PSP fans were starting to doubt theirs.

WORST HANDHELD
GIZMONDO

Oh man, just wait until you hear this one! You'll bust a friggin' gut! Okay, so there's this handheld game system, except it wasn't designed by a video game company, or even an electronics manufacturer. No, it's by... you're not going to believe this!  The Swedish mafia! Yeah, Sweden, the country that gave us ABBA. Wait, wait, it gets better. This thing costs like, three hundred dollars, and even after you pay for it, you have to watch ads. Yeah, like commercials on television. No, you can't skip 'em! And the games... they've got all the important genres covered, like Ping Pong and lawn mowing! Wait, wait, you haven't heard the punchline yet! OK, OK, I'll let you catch your breath. All right, here's the best part... I'm not kidding about any of this. It's all real!

GAME OF THE YEAR

IF YOU BOUGHT ONLY ONE GAME IN 2005, YOU SHOULD HAVE MADE IT...
RESIDENT EVIL 4

It's not your older brother's Resident Evil... and for that, we can all be thankful. Not since Street Fighter II has Capcom taken such a deeply flawed game and transformed it into a masterpiece.