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EDITOR'S NOTES |
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Joysticks was a pioneer in the short-lived "bitsploitation" film genre, where video games are the biggest stars. This genre would vanish shortly after Joysticks was released, only to make a brief comeback in Universal's two hour long Nintendo commercial The Wizard. After all these years, I still haven't seen The Wizard, but Joysticks was a film I secretly longed to watch throughout the 1980s, due to its arcade setting. However, it was the parent-frightening raunchiness which ensured that I would never see it until I was in my 20s. As you can probably tell from this review, it wasn't really worth the wait. The arcade setting is pretty cool, especially now that places like Aladdin's Castle are a dying breed, but the stereotypical, sex-crazed characters start to wear on the nerves in a hurry. Let's face it, if you've seen one of these horny teen films, you've not only seen them all, but you've seen one too many. |
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JOYSTICKS
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In the early
1980's, everyone from breakfast cereal manufacturers to film makers
were in a mad dash to capitalize on one of the decade's biggest
fads... video games. You'd think that gamers everywhere would love
the attention, but it was tough to appreciate all the products the
fad spawned when they were created by people who didn't understand
video game players, or care about their concerns. Because of this,
they came up with a lot of awful crap that nobody wanted, ESPECIALLY
gamers. Perhaps the worst product to come from this crass
exploitation was a stunningly bad movie called Joysticks.
If you've
already seen Meatballs or Porky's, you're already familiar with
Joysticks. It's your typical mysogenistic teen sex comedy from the
1980's... the only difference is that instead of taking place at a
summer camp or a greasy spoon, Joysticks uses an arcade as its
setting. The film starts by introducing us to its comic relief, a
textbook nerd who starts his job at the arcade... without his pants.
See, he was seduced out of them by a couple of hot chicks in a fast
car just blocks away from his new workplace.
Fortunately,
the ultra-dork's boss has a good sense of humor. I guess you'd
just about have to when you look this much like Ted McGinley from
Married... with Children. Apparently, the producers of Joysticks
couldn't afford to hire the patron saint of shark-jumping, so they
got the next best thing; his stunt double. You really won't notice a
difference, though, because the film is every bit as lousy as it
would have been with McGinley's poisonous influence.
But anyway,
back to the incredibly geeky Eugene. Our socially inept friend
arrives at the arcade, reclaims his pants, and is introduced to the
clientele, including vapid valley girls, berzerk game-addicted
monks, and, uh... Curly from The Three Stooges? I guess
everyone was playing video games back then, even if they
weren't technically alive. The most bizarre customer of the
bunch is a large, flatulent slob in a tacky Hawaiian shirt. After an
initial misunderstanding with this former school president (who fell
from grace after becoming addicted to video games), Eugene learns
that his true enemies are a bunch of leather-clad punks who try to
imitate the games but wind up sounding like a lost tribe of Dinks
from Spaceballs.
However, the
greatest threat of all is Joe Don Baker, the star of everyone's
favorite MST3K film. The grouchy, beer-swilling cop from Mitchell is
now someone you're supposed to hate... a concerned parent who
vows to shut down the arcade at any cost. Instead of getting his own
hands dirty, he enlists the aid of his two moronic nephews, who
bumble around in ridiculous costumes trying to ruin the arcade with
a handful of half-baked schemes. Meanwhile, the arcade's manager
launches a counteroffensive, sending his slovenly friend and new
employee into Joe Don's house to find incriminating evidence. The
slob gets the goods... while the nerd gets molested by Mitchell's
undersexed wife.
The wacky
antics continue (no matter how much you beg for them to stop) until
the film reaches its logical conclusion... a debate at city hall,
followed by a competition at the arcade featuring oversized
joysticks and such suitably intense video games as Bally/Midway's
Satan's Hollow. Here's where all the film's loose ends get neatly
tied up and everyone gets just what they deserve. The arcade manager
conquers an irrational fear, the painfully geeky Eugene loses his
virginity, and most importantly, the arcade stands victorious over
all who would destroy it... at least until 1985, when it gets shut
down anyway due to a complete lack of interest. Oops!
Video game
players who remember the 1980's arcade scene will appreciate all the
footage of their favorite coin-ops, and they probably won't mind the
extra helping of breasts served up by the film's female stars,
either. However, there were a lot of other films from the decade,
including Spaceballs, Revenge of the Nerds, and Weird Science, which
leave Joysticks looking pretty limp by comparison. If you've just
got to have your dose of 80's nostalgia, watch one of those films
instead, then cap it all off by spending some quality time with
MAME.
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