TOO LITTLE, WAY TOO LATE
Did I miss something here? Aren't these shows supposed to
take place in ancient Greece? I can forgive introducing Julius
Ceaser as Xena's ex-lover, or Hercules coming face to face with the
virgin Mary, but setting episodes in the 1990's is just one
anachronism too many for me. Recasting the stars of Hercules as
Renaissance Studio's writers and producers was bad enough, but
putting Lucy Lawless's character in Ted Raimi's body has probably
ruined more sexual fantasies than Marilyn Monroe's death and Anna
Nicole Smith's appearance in Naked Gun 33 1/3 combined. Some
advice to the warrior prince and princess: know your place.
It ain't the 20th century.
TWIN CENTRAL STATION
Every campy action series has to try at least one evil twin plot,
but Renaissance's writers have not only taken the concept and run
with it, they've run it into the ground. How many characters has
Lucy Lawless played in both Hercules and Xena, anyway? The number's
gotta be closing in on a dozen already, counting her pre-Xena bit
parts on The Legendary Journeys. Then there's the "new" Iolaus
Hercules rescued from an alternate dimension. I thought it was
a pretty gutsy move to kill off Herc's best friend and saddle him
with a cowardly double, but it only took a handful of episodes
before Iolaus #2 became just like his deceased twin.
THE ENIMATED MOVIE
There aren't enough words for "crap" in the English language to
describe The Battle For Mount Olympus, a miserable animated film
that proves more than anything else that Universal Studios has no
business making cartoons. It's obvious that the producers were
trying to give this movie the same dramatic, action-packed feel of a
good Hercules or Xena episode, but thanks to the cheap,
inconsistent, and just plain BAD artwork, scenes which are supposed
to be wraught with emotion just leave the viewer rolling on the
floor laughing. Whenever Zeus throws out his hand to smite
someone, it looks as though it's been crushed in an industrial
press, and every scene change brings with it a new, even less
experienced animator. By the end of this travesty, you'll
swear that the guy who created Ren & Stimpy got drunk and tried
his hand at a few frames.
HERCULES, JR.
I'll admit that Young Hercules didn't last very long, but this
toned-down series for preteens shouldn't have been made at all.
Frankly, I could care less what Herc and his friends were
doing before they grew up, and if I did, I'd watch the Disney
cartoon long before I'd even consider tuning into this blatent
attempt to skim the cream off Saban's Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers
cash cow. At least the animated series is funny from time to
time, and has a few of the stars from the original feature film
(Tate Donovan, James Woods) along with several other celebrity voice
talents for good measure.
ESTUPIDO USA
Am I nitpicking for complaining about the new Studio USA logo at
the end of each Hercules and Xena episode? Perhaps, but I've
always had a sensitivity toward corporate logos, ever since being
traumatized by that wretched Paramount theme music as a small child.
To this day, I want to see the company and anything even
remotely related to it burn to the ground, and the fact that
Hercules is now subsidized in part by these bastards (who own half
of the USA Network) makes me very, very upset. And that's not
even the worst part... the new logo itself is terrible! When I'm
done watching an epic like Hercules, I want to see a symbol that
makes me feel like I'm in the front row of a movie theatre.
The Universal Studios planet did just that, but the new
blandola USA Network flag (pasted against an oh-so-exciting white
background) looks more like it belongs on the bottom of a box of
nails.
